Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1999 14:45:17 EST
From: That's The Way I Like It <bsb_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: "Changes" Chapters 14-15

Here I am with four more chapters.  I hope people are enjoying
the story and don't find it too boring or difficult to read.
I haven't gotten that much feedback.  :-/  I tried to end it
with a cliff hanger - sort of.

Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex.  The usual
disclaimer applies.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Kevin stared out his hotel window.  It was going to be a dismal day,
drizzly and impossible to dress for, the temperature hovering
somewhere between chilly and sweaty.  Kevin leaned both hands on
the sill and just stared out at the old city streets, little bakeries
and family businesses tucked under ornate looking apartment buildings.
Kevin felt as though he just wasn't appreciating anything in life any
more.  He didn't go to a new place and take it in; he felt as though
everything just slipped by him, as meaningless as the next.  You can't
create love, Kevin said to himself, just like you can't create faith.
All you can do is try to open yourself to that possibility.  Hope
that it will flow through your body and heal you, allow yourself to
be carried away by its force.  A nice idea, he thought bitterly.

Brian was bending over to tie his shoes when he felt a spreading pain
in his temples.  He had another bad headache coming on, and Brian
walked stiffly over to the dresser, pulling open the top drawer on
Nick's side, since he'd seen Nick take some aspirin that morning.  He
pulled out the bottle of Advil and dropped two pills in his hand.
Brian was about to put them in his mouth when he noticed that they
weren't yellow, they were white.  He examined them and found that they
weren't even aspirin; they were in fact valium, and obviously not a
prescription since Nick had them in an Advil bottle.  Brian flung
the pills back in the bottle angrily and slammed the drawer shut.
He walked to the bed and sat down, rubbing his forehead as he
listened to the shower running.  How am I supposed to talk to Nick
about this?  All he's going to do is get pissed off that I went
through his stuff, and turn it around so that's all we talk about.
The shower shut off and Nick came padding into the room, clutching
one of the small European towels around his waist.  He turned to
give Brian the smallest, sweetest smile, like a special gift just
for him.  Brian's heart went out to him; Nick looked so tired, so
beaten down.  I'm not being good enough to Nick, Brian thought.  If
I were a better lover and partner, he wouldn't have to do this to
himself.  "Do you know how much I love you, Nicky?" Brian asked
gently.  "Mmm, you can tell me if you want, Bri.  Do you want to pick
out my clothes for me?"  "Sure, baby," Brian said, "I'll take care
of you."

"So, Danielle," Misha grinned as he buttoned his shirt up, "did you
and A.J. have an encounter of the hot and horny variety last night?"
"No, no," Dani laughed, "but we did have an eighth grade moment.
That's what Alex called it, anyway."  "Alex," Misha repeated,
chuckling.  Dani preferred to call A.J. that; it seemed more intimate
somehow.  "He walked me to my room and we stood out there like 'well,
good night.'  'see ya tomorrow.'  'ah... yep.'  It was pretty funny."
"No kiss?"  "Nope," Dani sighed, "definite kiss vibe, but no kiss."
"Alas," Misha said, checking himself over one last time before they
deparated for breakfast.  "Maybe it's all for the best.  I'm not sure
if I like you messing around with that McLean kid."  "Shaddup!  I'm
not the one who went out for a fancy dinner.  What's the scoop on
that?"  "Tell you later," Misha grinned, "we gotta jet."  "Brat,"
Dani laughed.

Dani and Misha came in Kevin's room to find the Backstreet Boys
already there.  They seemed to live in a bubble; only the
photographers and Leighanne penetrated their world.  Moreover, each
Backstreet Boy lived in his own little bubble, separate from the
others, or at least this was true until Nick and Brian merged.
They were feeding each other breakfast and kissing in between bites.
Everybody else was steadfastly ignoring them.  Howie looked comatose,
and Kevin glanced up once or twice at Misha before resuming his battle
with a piece of grapefruit.  A.J. looked huggable in a pair of pajamas,
but whether or not he was actually awake was unclear, since he had
sunglasses on.  "Ugh," Misha whispered to Dani as they served
themselves from the buffet, "it's Zombie Brian."  "At least they're
not actually eating the food off each other's bodies," Dani
whispered back, "at least not yet."

Kevin cleared his throat to get everybody's attention, as much as
that was possible, and began speaking.  "As you all know, we have
two days off after our show in Frankfurt.  I'm not sure if you guys
already have plans, but I was thinking-"  "I have plans," Nick said
quietly, and Brian's head jerked around in surprise.  "Oh, well..."
Kevin said, looking back and forth between Nick and Brian.  "Never
mind then, it was kind of a group thing."  "What are you doing, Nick?"
Howie asked suspiciously.  "Going to London for a show," Nick mumbled,
speaking with food in his mouth.  "You are?" Brian frowned.  "Yup."
"A solo concert?" Howie asked, his voice squeaking into a slightly
higher register.  "Yup."  "Excuse me?" Kevin asked, furrowing his
thick eyebrows at the blond.  "You heard me," Nick said defensively.
He stared at his plate of food.  Misha and Dani felt the tension
level in the room skyrocket.

"Clive and Lorna know about this?" Kevin asked.  "Of course they do,"
Nick said irritably, rolling his eyes at him.  A.J. crumpled up his
napkin and set it down neatly.  Dani watched him closely.  "So
basically, you're using our tour and us as a group to promote your
solo career," A.J. said.  "And Clive and Lorna are selling us four
out from underneath for your benefit," Howie added.  "I just have a
lot of fans and they want to hear my solo stuff," Nick scowled, but
his smirk was fading rapidly.  "Now just chill out already, okay?"
"Nice, Nick," Kevin said sarcastically.  "Really classy."  "Yeah,"
A.J. said, "typical Carter class."  "Don't talk about my family
that way," Nick said quietly.  "Do you have any more of these solo
concerts planned?" Howie asked.  Nick didn't respond, and A.J. got
up angrily.  "Fuck this," he said, and he turned around to leave.
"This is bullshit," Howie said, and he got up too.  "You guys," Brian
pleaded, "come on, we've all been doing solo projects, this doesn't
mean-"  "Zip it, Rok," A.J. said.  "Your head's too far up Nick's ass
to know right from left.  He's already making more money than the rest
of us put together.  Aren't you, Nicky?  Now we're just going to be
the sideshow for the Carter family tour?  I don't think so."  Nick got
up and stumbled out of the room, shoving past Howie and A.J. and
slamming the door behind him.

Misha watched as tears began to slide down Brian's cheeks.  The
young man stood and wiped them away angrily.  "I hope you all are
happy," Brian said.  "I don't know how you expect to continue touring
this fall without me or Nick."  He walked out and slammed the door
again for good measure.  Misha and Dani looked at one another, alarmed.
They were supposed to do a show tonight?  "What happens now," A.J.
said dully.  "We can't bail on the tour," Howie said, "we have
contracts.  And we can't let down the fans who have tickets.  We have
to go on as just us three."  "Whoah," Kevin said, raising a hand.
"Slow down.  Calm down.  The Backstreet Boys are not breaking up."
Howie shook his head, frustrated.  "Kevin, I can't put up with this
crap any more.  It is not worth it to me any more!"  Realising what
he had just said, Howie sat down, slumping low on the couch and
seemingly crushed by his own words.

"Let's not all panic and do something drastic," Kevin said.  "Let's
just take today and think about it, and say, is it worth fighting for?
Do we have something together, as the Backstreet Boys, that we still
need to hold on to, or should we just quietly go our own ways, after
this tour, or end this tour early or... I don't know what."  Kevin
looked rather unemotional about the whole thing.  "The show must go
on," A.J. said sarcastically, and he got up to leave.  "Bone, wait-"
Howie called after him, but A.J. just walked out without looking back.
Dani wanted desperately to go after him, but it wasn't her place.  She
had no business getting involved in this kind of an issue.

The show went about as well as could be expected.  Nick and Brian
sequestered themselves in one of the dressing rooms and did not emerge
until the last minute.  There was some obvious tension during the
show, no banter or fooling around on stage, and people were off in
several numbers.  During one of Nick's solo numbers, "Lonely Nights,"
A.J. and Howie decided not to sing, and just sat there on stools
instead of adding their voices to the back-up.  Nick returned the
favour for one of A.J.'s songs which they had worked into the show,
"Tragic Day," walking off the stage and not coming back until the
last minute, when the band had already hit the first few notes of
the next song, "Quit Playing Games."  Nick sang another solo toward
the end of the show, "Losing You," which he always sang without backup,
and this time his voice was noticeably scratchy, and Dani could have
sworn that he was actually crying.  She asked Misha what he thought,
but he dismissed it as typical Nick theatrics.  "You can always tell
the child actors," he scowled.  "Hey," Dani frowned, "Alex was a
child actor."

After the show, the guys split off, none of them in the mood for any
camaraderie, and sealed themselves into their rooms.  Dani figured that
if A.J. wanted to see her, he knew where to find her.  If he wanted to
get drunk and have sex with groupies, she would rather not know about
it.  She realised when she got back to her room that it would be nice
to see Leighanne again.  It did get tiresome being the only woman in
the "inner circle."  Maybe Leighanne could give her some dirt on A.J.
Dani put on headphones to listen to some non-Backstreet Boys music,
clearing her mind and distracting her from Nick and Brian fucking in
the room next door.  It was sweet how they loved each other and all,
but Dani hoped she wouldn't have to room next to them again.  Misha
debated going to see how Kevin was doing, but the tall singer was
just too unapproachable, and he decided to give it a pass.  Kevin,
for his part, debated going to see Misha, but decided that it was
too pushy, and what if Misha didn't really want to see him anyway?
After all, it was Brian that Misha was interested in.  He'd even
admitted to it back in Amsterdam.

Brian held Nick in his arms and listened to his lover's heart beating
wildly in his chest.  Nick had been just a little too bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed at the end of the concert for Brian's comfort, but Brian
couldn't bear to ask him any upsetting questions.  The concert had been
rough enough.  Nick kissed Brian's bare chest and slipped out of bed.
"Where are you going, baby?" Brian asked anxiously.  "Just right here,"
Nick said softly.  He sat on the couch, lighting a cigarette and
pouring himself a glass of vodka.  "Let me come sit with you," Brian
said, although he hated being around anybody smoking and Nick knew
it.  "It's okay, Bri," Nick said, "I just need to chill out.  You
just go to sleep."  "You can't just fall asleep with me?"  "I'll
be there in a few minutes, Bri."  Nick took a drag off his cigarette
and drained his glass.  He shut his eyes and felt the comforting
warmth of the liquor in his system.  "Are you okay?" Brian's voice
came floating across the room.  Nick smiled at him in the dark.  "I'm
fine, I just need to relax."  Relax, and forget, and smooth things
over.  Nick wasn't looking forward to seeing his mother.  Nick finished
another glass, and another, and another, wiping his lips and using his
cigarette as a chaser.  The day hadn't been so bad after all.  Just a
stupid argument, no big deal...  Nick lost track of time, and felt
Brian's hands on his chest, Brian kissing his neck.  "Come to bed,
baby."  "I'm falling asleep here," Nick mumbled.  "I know, come with
me."  Nick curled up in the warm spot Brian had left in bed, sighing
contentedly as Brian's arms wrapped around him, as Brian's lips softly
brushed his forehead.  "I love you Nicky," Brian said, hugging him
tightly.  "Love you too," Nick sighed.  "Let me take care of you,"
Brian whispered, "let me make you feel better."  "Hmm, you do Bri,
you do make me better," Nick mumbled, half-asleep.  Brian stroked
Nick's soft hair, his mind turning over and over.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The bus ride to Frankfurt was of little consequence.  Howie managed
to spend the entire trip talking to his wife Maria on a cell phone,
and Misha and Dani tried to figure out just how expensive that might
be.  Things were still very tense and A.J. made it clear that he
was not interested in talking to Dani or anybody else.  Kevin busied
himself working on a song, playing a few notes on a guitar and
scribbling lyrics in a notebook.  Nick and Brian hid in one of the
sleeping bunks and were probably sleeping for most of the trip, but
nobody went near them just in case they weren't.  There was a bit of
a scene at the hotel, since somebody had not done a great job with
crowd control and the guys had to run through a back entrance with
bodyguards surrounding them.  Dani and Misha waited a while before
going in, but they still got mobbed simply because they had been on
the bus with the Boys.  "They all think I'm Nick," Misha said drily.
"We should sign some autographs," Dani grinned.  "I'll be Howie."

There was another covert meeting before the show the next day, hosted
by Leighanne, who had come in from Switzerland that morning.  Kevin
gave her the details of the solo concert fiasco and its possible
consequences.  "Maybe we all overreacted a little bit," Kevin said,
looking at the others sternly.  "But it does need to be discussed."
"Here's what I think," Leighanne said, wrapping one tanned leg around
the other as she spoke.  She wore a pale blue power suit with a
miniskirt and spiked heels, her hair a bit frizzy from the damp in
the air.  "Nick is the one who's been fucking up.  If his mother tries
to pull something, take her aside and let her know that it would be
really unfortunate for the world to hear about Nick's drug problems
and how it brought down the Backstreet Boys."  "Oh, that's twisted,"
A.J. objected.  "It's not something we would really do."  "For one
thing, Brian would never speak to us again," Howie said, Kevin
nodding in agreement.  "Right," Leighanne said.  "But Jane needs to
know that we do have some leverage, like Nick's image."

"Very impressive," Dani smiled at Leighanne as the group split up.
"Oh, you liked that idea?  I just thought of it," Leighanne laughed.
Her face fell and she shook her head.  "You know Dani, I'm worried
about Brian."  "You do really care about him, don't you?"  "How can
you not?" Leighanne smiled.  "He's what my grandmother would call a
'good egg.'"  "I'm sure he has *some* flaws," Dani said with a smirk.
"What man doesn't," Leighanne chuckled.  "I adore Brian, he's like a
brother to me.  And that's why I'm pissed at him.  He hasn't been
talking to me, because he knows that I want to talk him out of seeing
Nick."  Leighanne sighed.  "We'll see.  I would like to catch up with
him before this little break."  "You're taking off again?"  "Yep, to
London."  "Let me guess.. front row tickets to that Nick Carter
concert?"  Leighanne made a face.  "Uh... No..."  she laughed.  "I
have an audition for a play."  "Oh, wow.  Good luck."  "Thanks,"
Leighanne smiled sweetly.  "I've been working really hard to prepare.
We shall see...  Now, hopefully I can nab Brian before then."  It
wasn't a good moment to start pressing Leighanne for A.J. info, so
Dani left without bringing it up, going to see if she could find the
man himself.

"Misha, can I come in for a few?"  "Brian... Of course."  Misha smiled
excitedly and let the handsome singer into his hotel room.  Brian
perched on the edge of the couch a bit nervously.  "What's up?"  "Oh,
not too much.  Just wanted to see how you were doing."  There was a
hint of anxiousness or frustration in Brian's voice, and Misha tried
to set him at ease.  "Can I get you something to drink?"  "No, thanks."
Misha sat down in an armchair across from him and gave him an
encouraging smile.  "I'm doing okay," Misha said, "I have to admit that
I've been a little worried about the group and all..."  "Yeah, it's
been ugly," Brian sighed, his eyes sweeping the floor.  "I think it
will blow over.  It seems like the other guys feel bad about reacting
the way they did."  "Well, it would be nice if they told Nick that."
Brian rested his chin on his hand and gazed off into space.  Misha
was staring at him; he couldn't help it.  Kevin was a handsome man,
but Brian was the guy who Misha originally swooned over, and he also
had a much more welcoming personality.  Making casual conversation
with Kevin required work, whereas it came naturally with Brian.  He
was rather petite, but that only made Brian seem more perfect to Misha,
as though no centimetre of his person was wasted or excessive.

"So Misha... Do you have any plans for this little break?"  They made
eye contact, and Misha could see that Brian had something to suggest,
so he answered casually, "no, not really.  I think I was just going
to go on to Berlin...  I don't know."  "Feel like going to London?"
Brian grinned, but again, there was a flash of nervousness there.
"With you and Nick?" Misha frowned.  "Well, here's the deal," Brian
said quickly.  "Leighanne is going to London, and we'll be at the same
hotel, but in different rooms.  And Nick... well, he'll be with his
family."  "Okay..." Misha said slowly, still not understanding where
this was going.  "Anyway, I thought it might be fun to have someone
to go with.  Leighanne is going to be real busy with an audition, and
Nick will be doing the show and catching up with his family and all.  I
thought maybe you'd like it ... "  Brian's voice dropped off, and he
looked a bit nervous.  This was understandable, Misha realised, not
only because of things said by various people, but also because there
was a certain amount of sexual tension between them, whether or not
Brian pretended there wasn't.  Misha stared at Brian's knee, not able
to make eye contact right away as he considered this.  Did some small
part of Brian want to be with him?

Misha looked up at Brian and caught his gaze before the singer turned
away.  There was loneliness in those pale blue eyes.  Boy, Misha
thought, between the two of these guys, Kevin and Brian, there is a
lot of pain.  Kevin won't let anybody get close to him and Brian...
Well, he does love Nick, like his own flesh and blood, but is he
still in love with him?  Or is he in love with him out of guilt, or
out of pity?  Is he getting back what he is giving?  All these
thoughts crossed Misha's mind in a flash, and his heart went out to
Brian.  He was in a tough position, especially with Nick so needy at
that time.  "That does sound like fun," Misha said with a little smile.
"You won't see Nick at all?"  Brian sighed.  "Nick's family doesn't
really accept our relationship.  I just think it might be easier on
him if we don't.  I told him that I'll be there and if he wants to
get together, to call me, and we can figure it out from there."  "But
Brian ...  Nick isn't going to want me to be with you, is he?"  Brian
shrugged.  "I think he'll understand.  I just... I think you and me
get along real well and we'd have a blast together."  "I do too,"
Misha said.  "I just don't want to make things more complicated."
"You won't ... I just ..."  Brian sighed.  "Things with Nick are really
rocky and it's nice to have somebody else to talk to.  And even beyond
that, it's so hard to make friends living this kind of life.  Even if
you do connect with somebody, you're always travelling, and you can't
keep up."  He looked up to make eye contact with Misha.  "I know,
Brian," Misha said softly, "from the first time we talked, I just felt
like we connected."  "I felt that way too," Brian said.  "Misha, if I
weren't with Nick.  If I were single... Things could be very
different."
A rush of emotions swept over Misha, ending with anger:  why did he have
to say that?  "Sorry," Brian mumbled, "that didn't come out right."  "We
can be friends," Misha said, resting a hand on Brian's  shoulder.  "I
respect that you are with Nick."  "Thanks Misha... will you still come
with me to London?"  "Yes, I'll come," Misha said, his mind reeling.

Dani ran into Misha before the show and they conferred excitedly.
A.J. and Howie had decided that what the doctor had ordered was two
days of partying, clubbing and shopping in Berlin, and A.J. had
asked Dani to come with.  Once he'd convinced he that she was not a
third wheel and that Howie liked her, she'd let her inhibitions drop
and threw her arms around A.J.  "This is going to be so much fun!" she
grinned.  "So you do kinda want to come with," A.J. said slyly.
"Shaddup," Dani laughed, poking him in the stomach.  He had such a
cute little tummy...  "So now you're poking him," Misha said.  "I
guess we've moved on to that stage, yes.  Did you poke Brian?"  Misha
rolled his eyes at her attempt at a double entendre.  "No, there was no
poking.  But I tell you, Dani, I have to wonder why he's inviting me."
Dani nodded.  "Yep.  It's not like he doesn't know how you feel about
him.  Maybe he thinks you're a cheap slut and he just wants you around
for quickies."  "You really know how to build up my self-esteem," Misha
laughed.  "What are friends for, babe?"  Misha shook his head and Dani
went on, "maybe he'll make you put on a Nick wig."  "Yeah... and about
40 pounds."  "Ouch!"  "All in my ass."  "Double ouch!"  Dani slapped
his arm.  "I like Nick's ass, actually.  It's very spankable."  Misha
made a face.  "I think we've established that you think he's hot.
Personally, I can't see it."  "You are such a jealous queen."  "Thank
you," Misha said haughtily, "I try not to disappoint my fans."

The concert in Frankfurt was a bit of a disaster, although the fans
didn't seem to care.  Destiny had a cold and didn't sound great, and
the Boys had several silly mishaps.  Brian put a foot down wrong
doing some dance moves coming down from the steps at the centre of
the stage and twisted his ankle badly.  He limped gamely through the
rest of the show, but it affected the choreography for the others as
well, and everything seemed a bit off-kilter from then on.  Nick was
off on several songs and Dani and Misha both thought he was looking and
acting noticeably coked up.  Then A.J. screwed up in the middle of one
of Brian and Kevin's songs, completely forgetting the words and trying
to make something up on the spot, which was of course disastrous.
Thankfully, he only had three lines to sing solo before the chorus
cut in again, but he looked very sheepish for the rest of the song.
The guys hustled off after the show, looking more than ready to take
a couple of days off, even though the tour had only just begun.  Brian
flung his gloves down angrily and A.J. went up to apologise.  "No,
Bone, it's not you," Brian said, shaking his head.  "Really, Rok, I
feel like such a dink!"  "I'm not mad," Brian said, patting his
shoulder.  "I just need some fucking ice for my ankle!" he yelled out
to nobody in particular before limping off to find a chair to sit in.
A.J. put his hands up like "whoah - never mind" and went off to get
changed.

"Hey Kevin," Misha said, coming up to the elder statesman of the group,
who had just finished hashing something out with Tommy, the
keyboardist.  "Misha," Kevin smiled, "can you tell that we need a
break?"  "Yeah," Misha laughed, "that was a little wacked tonight."
Kevin frowned.  "Not one of our best nights.  Well, there are always
going to be nights like that... Just so long as it doesn't happen a
lot."  He looked up at Misha and smiled faintly.  "So what are you
going to be doing on your time off?  Any plans?"   Misha felt a
little guilty all of a sudden.  Here he was traipsing off with Brian
and leaving Kevin all alone ... and on top of that, Kevin was going
to feel weird about it being Brian ... "I'm actually going to London
with Brian and Leighanne and them," Misha said, making it sound like
it was a big communal thing.  "Oh, that's cool," Kevin said.  "I'm
going to go skiing myself."  "Great, well... I guess I'll see you
in Berlin."  "Yup," Kevin said, "have fun."  He walked away, deep in
thought, and full of regret.