Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 18:09:01 EST
From: That's The Way I Like It <bsb_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: Gay/Celebrity/Boy-Bands "Changes" Chapter 18

I am going to slow things down a little in this chapter and go
back and forth between the present and the past.  I hope that
this is not too confusing as I've written it.  Thanks again for
the feedback - it is GREATLY appreciated!  -- May

Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex.  The usual
disclaimer applies.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Kevin relaxed in the big easy chair and stretched his toes out,
letting them soak up the luscious heat of the open flames lapping
out at him from behind the metal grate.  He felt completely at ease
at that moment; his muscles were exhausted from a long day on the
ski slopes and although his skin felt tight and his lips chapped, he
delighted in it as further souvenirs of his efforts.  His insides were
warmed by the whiskey he was drinking, and his mind was spun into a
gentle lull, the pressures and worries that weighed him down during
the responsible life completely erased, seeming as though they were
somehow a part of somebody else's life, not his.  As long as I can
make myself happy, I can be alone.  Kevin hated feeling ashamed of
being alone.  He'd been alone for most of his life, it seemed.

Being busy was the best excuse for being alone.  In high school,
Kevin threw himself into everything.  He played football, varsity
football, he was the quarterback, he never missed a game, he never
missed a practise.  He volunteered for Student Council, he was
president, he never missed a meeting, he stayed late to tape up
flyers and clean up after parties.  He sang and acted, he had lead
roles, he never missed rehearsal, he practised on the piano in the
music rooms, he pushed himself in everything he did.  He always
did his homework.  He always did his chores.  All the girls at
Kevin's school thought he was their dream man.  He wasn't interested
in girls.  He dreamed of making love to his male classmates.  He hated
himself for it.  Kevin hated the way his mother would sigh and pester
him about the nice girl he'd taken to the prom or who'd come over to
work with him on a project, and why wasn't he seeing her again?  It
was depressing to be around his younger cousin Brian; Kevin always
felt inadequate since Brian was so happy and so carefree.  Kevin felt
as though he let his family down by not being perfect.

When his father died, Kevin was set adrift.  He found himself in
Orlando, trying to make a living in the entertainment industry and
burning the candle at both ends, partying all night at clubs and
exploring the limits of his sexuality.  By the time he auditioned
for the Backstreet Boys, Kevin knew that he couldn't keep up with
that kind of lifestyle; the superficiality and disposibility of it
all ate away at his insides.  So instead, I get to play daddy to three
little munchkins, Kevin thought.  A.J., Howie and Nick all came up to
his shoulder, all three full of energy, giggling, tussling, little
babies who had an edge on him because they were the original members
of the group.  When they found themselves desperate for a new fifth
member, Kevin thought immediately of Brian and his angelic voice.
But he had his personal reservations about taking Brian into his
world.  Nobody could know that he was gay, particularly Brian,
who seemed blessed with perfect contentment in life, so well
adjusted, so happy.

"I think it's really over this time," Brian said, letting Leighanne
bear all of his weight as he wept on her shoulder.  It wasn't the
right time to see Misha, and the photographer sat up in his room,
wondering what was happening between the long-time lovers.  "Brian,
think of it this way," Leighanne said, lifting his face so that she
could look into his piercing blue eyes, "you're setting yourself
free, but you're setting Nick free too.  You are destroying each
other."  Pop psychology, Brian thought immediately, it's so easy for
an outsider to dismiss something so profound, that runs so deep.
When Brian first joined Backstreet Boys, his status as "Kevin's
cousin" didn't immediately warm the hearts of the Orlando trio, who
resented the older guy's bossiness.  But before long, Nick was
following Brian around like a puppy.  Just as Brian had always
wanted a younger brother, Nick had always wanted an older brother,
and they became inseparable.  There was more to it, however.  Brian
was captivated by Nick's vulnerability and his beauty, and he found
himself completely uninterested in pursuing any relationships with
women.  He preferred being with Nick.  In the meantime, as Nick
grew a bit older, he realised that that his feelings for Brian were
not at all brotherly in nature.  He looked up to Brian as an idol
and his perfect man, and he wanted to be with him forever.  They
fell into each other more and more each day.  And in the heady
early days of their romance, Nick and Brian felt that nothing could
stand in the way of their feelings for each other.  It was their
little secret, shared only with their Backstreet brothers.

A.J. and Howie had to grudgingly accept Brian and Nick as a couple
after their little secret came out, as it had to inevitably.  Once
Nick and Brian began the sexual part of their relationship, they
were fooling around every time they were alone, unable to keep their
hands off each other.  Howie went bumbling into the back of the tour
bus to discover Nick straddling Brian's lap.  The two of them were
kissing each other deeply, Nick's hands up Brian's shirt, caressing
the older boy's beautiful firm chest, as Brian stroked Nick's hair
with one hand and unfastened Nick's jeans with the other.  Howie
turned around on his heel and walked back out.  "You look like you've
just seen a spook," A.J. commented as the small guy came tottering
up.  "Nick and Brian," Howie said.  "Yes?"  "Nick and Brian..."
Howie wasn't able to say it, so he motioned to the back room.  "Are
dead?" A.J. asked, grinning.  "What?"  Howie just motioned, and then
held one finger to his lips.  A.J. went tip toeing to sneak a peek,
and rushed back two seconds later.  "Whoah doggie!"  They had to
admit that "Frick and Frack"'s relationship was weird enough that
it wasn't a huge shock after all.  It was Kevin who seemed the most
opposed to Nick and Brian's relationship, and he made it clear to
his cousin by telling him that he ought to just "cut it out."  "I
can't do that, Kevin."  "Why not?  Just keep your pants zipped."
"Kevin," Brian groaned, "Nick and I have a relationship."  "Don't be
ridiculous.  You can't have a relationship with Nick."  "What do you
mean?  Because he's a guy?"  "No, because he's a child, and because
he's Nick."

Touring took its toll on everybody.  Brian and A.J. were high school
age teenagers, without much sense of how to cope with the stresses of
their new lives.  Nick was junior high age, going through puberty
along with leaving his home and family, and understandably he
alternated between brattiness and fearfulness.  Nick got on
everybody's nerves; even Brian had his limits.  But Brian
couldn't stay mad at him long, especially when Nick went into
full-scale operatic tragedy mode.  Kevin found that his short
fuse was set off by Nick more than anybody else, and he
frequently yelled at the boy, irritated by Nick's tantrums and
demands for attention.  As time went on, Kevin came to an understanding with
Howie and A.J., but he never seemed to click
with the "baby" of the group.  Something about Nick really got
under Kevin's skin.  Kevin thought it was just some kind of
fundamental incompatibility, but as he stared into the crackling
fire, Kevin wondered if perhaps it wasn't something else entirely.
He thought back to the time that he and Nick kissed each other.  "Knowing
Nick," Kevin scowled, "he probably never said a word
about it to Brian."  He set his glass of whiskey down on the
floor and pulled the wool blanket up to his chin, basking in
the flickering half-light.

"Hey boozer," Aaron said as he gently woke Nick up.  "Here's your
spare key."  Nick groaned and rubbed his head.  "Are you taking off?"
"Yep," Aaron said, tracing the lampshade with his finger.  "Just wanted
to make sure you were still alive."  "Pretty much," Nick said.  He sat
up in bed with much effort.  "You look so skanky!" Aaron laughed,
tossing a bandana at him.  "Cover that shit up."  Nick's hair was
sticking out in all directions and he obediently tied the scarf
around his head, sticking his tongue out at his little brother once
he was finished.  Aaron just sat there resting his chin in his hands.
"What is it, Air?"  "Nuthin..."  They didn't have serious discussions
very often; usually the two of them just goofed around together.  Nick
gazed at his brother dully.  Aaron was about the same age that Nick
had been when he and Brian had fallen in love.  Aaron seemed younger
in a way, but in some ways he was more mature.  He'd never had to
struggle in school the way Nick did, he'd grown up rich, and he'd
always been more self-confident, even cocky.  Aaron didn't know what
to say to his big brother.  Nick was a grown-up, after all.  What
business did he have trying to tell him what to do?  "I'll miss ya,"
Aaron said, hugging him tightly.  "Me too," Nick smiled, "take care
of yourself, okay?"  "I will.  You too."  Aaron slipped sadly out
and Nick fumbled around for his planner, trying to figure out when
he needed to catch his plane to Berlin.

Nick reached over for the telephone, seeing that he had a message.
Four thirty a.m.?  Nick frowned.  Maybe Brian came over last night.
"Hey Nick, it's me."  It was Brian, and he sounded like he'd been
crying.  "I'm heading to bed now, I don't know if you tried to call
or anything, but I was just talking to Leighanne..."  Brian was
mumbling.  "I just wanted to say that ... no matter what happens
Nick, I care about you... I want us to be friends, somehow... Just
please don't shut me out."  There was a pause, as though Brian was
debating what to say to finish his call, and he just hung up.  Nick
deleted the message and ran his hands through his hair.  The last
thing he remembered about the last night was bitching to Aaron about
Brian and Misha while he drank himself into nothingness.  Nick found
it curious that he seemed to have no emotional response whatsoever to
the news that he and Brian had apparently split up again.  It was just
another piece to the puzzle, as though he'd been waiting for the last
blow.  Nick yanked on some jeans, sneakers and a big jacket, and called
his bodyguard Leo and told him to meet him downstairs.  Then he got
out his cell phone and called Lorna.  Have somebody pack up my
room and send the stuff to Berlin, I can't deal with it right
now.  Yeah, everything went fine last night.  Yes, I have my
passport.  Nick scowled as he shut his phone off.

The guys had been on tour in Europe about a year after they had
gotten their contract with Trans Com, and Kevin had just told Nick
off after the blond had managed to lose his passport for the second
time that summer.  Nick was upset that day for some reason and burst
into tears, running off to the room he shared with Brian in their
Berlin hotel.  Brian glared at Kevin and followed his friend.  "You're
such a jerk sometimes," he said as he left, "he's just a kid.  He's
not perfect."  Brian came and lay down beside Nick, hugging him.
"Don't cry Nicky," he said, "Kevin is just being an asshole."  Nick
calmed down quickly, and lay there almost without breathing, not
wanting Brian to let him go.  The two of them had been sleeping in
the same bed almost since they had first met, and neither had ever
seemed to think this was strange.  Now they often slept with their
arms around each other, and they kissed each other chastely on the
lips, like two little children pretending to be a married couple.
It was still light out, and Brian lay there with Nick quietly,
stroking the long-limbed boy's back, feeling himself grow more and
more excited.  Brian had been questioning his feelings for Nick for
several months, but kept pushing it out of his mind, not wanting to
confront the issue.  All he knew was that it felt right to be with
Nick, and he wanted to kiss him, and touch him.  It all seemed so
natural, so right.  When Brian woke up in the morning with Nick in
his arms, his hard cock resting perfectly under Nick's round butt,
gazing at Nick's beautiful face as he slept, Brian felt as though
he was in heaven.  But the two of them kept pretending that they
were just friends.

Nick slid a little closer to Brian, hoping to use the excuse of
wanting comfort, and his stomach brushed up against the tip of
Brian's erect dick.  Nick gasped slightly when Brian kissed him,
this time sliding his tongue into Nick's mouth and kissing him
like a lover.  Brian shut his eyes and savoured the sensual
gratification, grabbing Nick by the waist and feeling his dick
throb against Nick's stomach.  "Mmm," Nick whined, "Brian..."  He
leaned his head back and looked up at him questioningly, his big
blue eyes shimmering, with what, Brian wondered, with lust?  Nick
rested his head on Brian's shoulder, not moving a centimeter away
from him.  Brian wrapped his arms around Nick and as he shifted
slightly, he felt Nick's hard cock against his leg.  This was too
much for Brian to take, and he started kissing Nick again, forcing
his tongue into the boy's mouth and running his hands up and down
Nick's body.  Nick suddenly clutched at Brian and moaned, his body
twitching slightly as he came in his pants.  Brian stroked Nick's
hair and held him tightly.  "Are you all right," he asked softly.
Nick squirmed out of Brian's grasp, unwilling to look at him.  Brian
couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or freaked out or what.  "Nicky,
it's okay," Brian laughed, "I have that effect on people sometimes."
Nick buried his face in Brian's chest and trembled slightly.

Brian would never forget the bare furnishings in the little sunlit
room where he and Nick became lovers.  Things had seemed so magical
then, before Backstreet Boys became famous, before people started
to worry about how things looked and who needed to be seen with
girlfriends, before their families knew, before the pressures of
living an unreal life began to wear them all down.  Kevin had
changed the least over the years, perhaps because he'd always been
pretending to be something he wasn't.  His way of coming out to the
group had been to call a special meeting and announcing that he was
gay and going to dating somebody who he would introduce at a set
time and they were supposed to react in such and such a way and
tell such and such people.  He told Brian that he didn't want to
hear any lectures, and that was that.  Nick adjusted his headphones
on the airplane, hidden behind a hat and sunglasses and the bulk
of his bodyguard, who entertained himself with one of Nick's little
hand-held video games.  He traced a shape on the cool window pane,
the faint form of the French shoreline occasionally peeking out
from behind dense cloudbanks.  Nick shut off his tape suddenly and
dug around in his bag for a notebook.  He scribbled frantically with
his pen until the ink began to run again, and wrote the first things
that came in his head.

If I can't have you
If you won't have me
If I'm back at the start of my life

Well, don't look for me
I won't be waiting on you
If you broke us apart, that's your right
It's your right

You held the key to every part of me
You let me go, you set me free
I wish you well, and I won't forget you
Won't ever regret you,
Oh no.

Everything's got to change
Nothing stays the same
Here I am back at the start of my life

I wish I could kiss you one last time
Mm I wish I could take back time
Let me hold you like we never ever gonna see the day,
No, no...

You held the key
to every little part of me
You knew just how
To break into me
You set me free, you let me go
How was I supposed to know
I wish you well
I won't forget you
Won't ever regret you
You stole my soul