Date: Thu, 7 Dec 2000 05:15:13 -0800 (PST)
From: Jrok <jcduck275@yahoo.com>
Subject: colors of love/envy

Disclaimer: Fiction is defined by Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary
as something invented by the imagination or feigned; specifically, an
invented story.  Enough said.

One person that I *must* thank here is Rick.
Honey, thank you for letting me use and abuse you in my story!

Note: This story USED to be called "Fighting with the Past", but in trying
to keep with the colors theme that I'm now kicking myself for constraining
myself to, I renamed it.  Yeah, I realized that this isn't a color either,
but...  Well, "envy" has a lot of connotations and also a color associated
with it, so you can do that all on your own.  I'd rather not make the
cliched "green" connection.  Oops, I think I just did...  Damn!


~*~ Envy ~*~

JC hummed as he stood in front of the mirror, fussing with his hair.  He
could see Justin behind him in the mirror, sitting on the edge of the tub.
JC glanced at him in the mirror and sighed.

"Hon, don't *do* that, please," JC said, meeting Justin's gaze in the
mirror.

"Do what?" Justin asked, his lower lip jutting out further, his jaw
clenched.

"That," JC sighed, turning and kneeling on the ground in front of Justin.
"You're pouting."

"I am not," Justin said, crossing his arms in front of him, looking down
into his lap.

"Yes," JC said, kissing Justin gently, "you are."

Justin sighed, uncrossed his arms and softly kneaded JC's shoulders.  "Do
you have to go?"

"I haven't seen him in years.  He called and asked me to lunch, I couldn't
say no.  I didn't want to say no."  JC looked up and saw Justin watching
him carefully.  "He's special to me, Justin.  He was my first boyfriend."

Justin was silent for a moment, contemplating the words that were just
spoken.  "Do you still love him?" he asked quietly.

JC sat back on his heels and took a deep breath.  He knew he was about to
tread in dangerous territory.  "I won't lie to you, Justin.  Yes, I do
still love him."

"Do you love him more than you love me?" Justin asked, his voice barely
above a whisper.  It was as if he was afraid of hearing the answer.  He
couldn't bear to look at JC, so instead, he plucked at the hem of his
jeans.

Gentle hands cupped his face, thumbs rubbing softly over his cheeks, wiping
away the occasional tear.  Sweet lips kissed his own.  "No," JC said.
"You're my entire life, Justin.  God, it feels like my heart's going to
burst, I love you so much."

"Really?" Justin asked, raising his head slightly to look at JC.

"Yes, really," JC replied.  He got to his feet and held out his hands to
pull Justin up.  "Now, stop your pouting and give me a kiss.  I have to
leave soon."

Justin sighed and reluctantly let himself be pulled into a standing
position.  He kissed JC thoroughly, his tongue slowly exploring the inside
of JC's mouth, softly sliding back and forth against the roof.  He leaned
his forehead against JC's and asked again, "Do you have to go?"

"All right, that's it," JC said.  He took Justin by the hand and led him
into their bedroom.  Leaving him standing in the middle of the room, he
went to the closet and rummaged around in it.  "Put these on," he said,
tossing a pair of sneakers at Justin.

"What, why?" Justin asked, catching them.

"You're coming with me," JC stated firmly, sitting on the bed to put on his
own shoes.

"But, Josh..." Justin protested.

"No buts," JC said, walking over to Justin, taking the sneakers from him.
He took his right foot, lifted it slightly from the ground and slid it into
a sneaker, tying it quickly.

"Are you sure?  What about..." Justin trailed off.

"What about *what*, Justin?" JC snapped.  "I'm tired of listening to you
whine.  Now, you're coming with me, and that's final."  He quickly tied
Justin's other sneaker and stood up.

"I'm not ready, I can't go out like this," Justin said, gesturing to his
jeans and t-shirt.  A hand went up to tug on the bandana that covered his
unruly curls.

"You look fine, it'll be casual," JC said, the tone of his voice softening
as he saw how nervous Justin was.  No matter how irritated he was by
Justin's whining, he knew it was because Justin loved him and didn't want
to lose him.  "Come on, babe.  Let's go, it'll be fun, I promise.  And if
it's not, I'll make it up to you later," JC winked.

Justin smiled, his heart skipping a beat when he saw the sly grin on JC's
face, the sparkling blue eyes shining at him.  "All right, let's go," he
said, taking JC's hand in his.

The drive to the restaurant was quiet, each man lost in his own thoughts.
JC kept a reassuring hand on Justin's knee, tracing a random pattern on it
with his thumb.  He had to admit, he was nervous about seeing his
ex-boyfriend after all this time.  They had shared so many special moments,
JC had no idea what to expect from this meeting.

Justin was equally nervous, for different reasons.  He had heard JC mention
his ex-boyfriend a few times but had never pressed him for details.  But
from what JC had said, they had been in love, in a serious relationship
that had lasted for quite some time.  Justin fiddled with the hem of his
t-shirt, JC's words from earlier echoing in his head.  'He's special to
me...  I still love him...'  Justin felt his insecurities grow when he
glanced at JC and saw how eager and nervous JC was about seeing him.

He was startled when he felt the car come to a stop.  "We're here," JC said
in an overly cheerful voice which belied his nervousness.

JC quickly got out of the car, crossing over to the other side to get the
door for Justin.  Justin smiled at the sweet gesture, it was like they were
out on a date or something.  He took the hand JC offered and hauled himself
out of the car.

JC looked at Justin, his eyes begging.  "Be nice, please?" he asked,
squeezing Justin's hand before he let go.  He turned to walk into the
restaurant, but Justin reached out and grabbed his arm.

"I'm always nice," Justin said, risking placing a quick kiss on JC's cheek.

JC smiled, feeling the slightest bit reassured.  "Let's go, hon," he said,
leading the way into the restaurant.

It was a small, Chinese restaurant, dimly lit, the tinted windows prevented
the bright Florida sunshine from entering.  Justin saw a man sitting at the
bar, obviously waiting for someone.  When he spotted JC, he slid off his
stool and made his way over to the two men.  Justin hung back, almost
hiding behind JC as he stepped forward to say hi.

"Jazz," said the man, engulfing JC in a hug.  "I'm so glad you could make
it."

"Rick," JC said, returning the hug, patting him on the back.  "It's good to
see you again."  JC pulled back, looking beside him at Justin.  "I brought
a friend, I hope you don't mind," he said.  "This is Justin."

Justin stepped forward, eyeing the other man.  Rick was shorter than him,
though only by a couple of inches.  His brown hair was perfectly styled,
every strand in place, where it should be.  Justin glanced at his clothes,
suddenly feeling underdressed as he took in Rick's neatly pressed khakis
and crisp blue, button down shirt.  He felt like a punk teenager in his
jeans and t-shirt, not anything like the man that JC had just hugged.  He
wished that had tried to convince JC to at least fix his hair as he saw
Rick disdainfully eye his bandana.  "Nice to meet you," Justin muttered,
shaking Rick's hand.

"Yeah, same here," Rick said.

Justin quickly dropped Rick's hand and rubbed his hand against a leg of his
jeans.  Rick cleared his throat and looked at JC expectantly.

JC shifted nervously from foot to foot.  This wasn't going well.  "Um,
let's go sit down," he said, turning to the hostess.  He requested a table
for three, and the petite Asian woman led them through the restaurant to a
table in the corner.  She laid menus down on the table and signaled for the
waiter to bring over three glasses of water.

Rick pulled out a chair and gestured for JC to sit.  JC coughed nervously,
shot a glance at Justin and slid into the seat Rick offered.  Rick pulled
out the chair next to him and was about to sit down when Justin plopped
himself down in it.  "Thanks, buddy," he said, fighting the urge to stick
his tongue out at Rick.

"Uh, no problem," Rick said, sitting down opposite JC.

An uncomfortable silence settled over the table.

JC looked from the man who he first gave his heart to and the man who had
his heart now and forever.  He took Justin's hand under the table, running
his fingers over the palm in tiny little circles.  Justin looked over at
him and smiled, reassured by the love that he felt pouring through JC's
touch.

Suddenly, JC rose from the table.  "Excuse me, I'll be right back," he
said.  He leaned over and whispered to Justin, "Please, be nice!" before
heading to the bathroom.

Once JC left, Justin smiled weakly at Rick.  "So..."

"So," Rick said, "you and Jazz..."

"Yeah," Justin said, a huge smile spreading across his face.  Whenever
someone mentioned JC, he couldn't help but smile.

Rick nodded.  "I see," he said, taking a sip of his water.

The two remained silent until JC returned from the restroom.  "Hey, did you
guys think about what you wanted to order?" he asked, picking up the menu.

"Oh...  No, I didn't even think about that," Justin confessed.  He still
had a goofy grin on his face.  He opened up the menu and began to look
through the items.

"Hmm, Jazz, you still crazy about their chicken and broccoli?" Rick asked,
peeking over his menu at JC, winking at him.

Justin frowned, taking in the scene before him.  "You guys have been here
before?" he asked.

"Yeah, we used to come here a lot," Rick answered, his tone a bit smug.

'Two can play at this game,' Justin thought, shooting a dirty look at Rick.
"JC, didn't you say you had a craving for the shrimp lo mein?"

"Yeah, that sounds really good, actually," JC said, nodding his head.
Justin smiled triumphantly.  "Let's get an order of the chicken and
broccoli, too.  I'm kind of in the mood for that."

This time, it was Rick who smiled.  JC cleared his throat, caught the
waiter's eye and ordered for them.

As soon as the waiter left, JC turned to Rick, "So, what brings you back to
Orlando?"

Rick shrugged.  "I'm trying to start up my own company here, I got tired of
working out West."

"Aw, Silicon Valley not good enough for you?" JC joked.

Rick grinned, "Well, there's no place like home.  This place holds a lot of
special memories for me..."  He looked across the table at JC.

Justin cleared his throat loudly.  "So, Rick, what is it that you do?"

Rick looked over at Justin, almost forgetting that he was there.  "Oh, I'm
a web developer."

Justin nodded, not really caring.  He just didn't like the way Rick was
looking at JC.

"So, Jazz, how are things going with you?"

"Why do you call him Jazz?" Justin asked abruptly.

JC put a hand on Justin's leg, hoping the touch would be comforting.  "It's
just a nickname that he gave me, love."  Turning to Rick, he beamed,
"Things are going great, I'm really happy.  We've been busy, but..."  He
looked back at Justin.  "But life has been good to me, lately."

The conversation continued freely, without Justin being too hostile.  By
the time the food arrived, Justin actually participated in the conversation
without being snappish or rude.

"Mm, this is great," Rick said, taking a bite of the chicken and broccoli.
"Just like old times, eh, Jazz?"  The tone of his voice suggested that he
was talking about more than food.

JC ignored the comment and scooped some rice onto Justin's plate.  He also
placed a healthy portion of lo mein and chicken on the plate.  "Try some of
the chicken, love, it's delicious."

Justin clumsily pushed the chicken around on this plate with his
chopsticks, trying to pick it up.  JC watched and laughed.  "What's so
funny?" Justin asked, looking up from his plate.

"You," JC said simply.  "You can never use those things right."

Justin shrugged.  "I can't get the hang of them."

"It's not that hard," Rick said, expertly picking up a mouthful of noodles
with his chopsticks.

Justin glared at him.  He again tried to pick up a piece of chicken,
cursing under his breath when it fell to the plate before getting even
halfway to his mouth.

JC chuckled, picking the piece of chicken with his own chopsticks.  "Open
up, love," he said.  Justin complied, closing his mouth around the chicken
and JC's chopsticks.  JC slowly slid them out of Justin's mouth, smiling at
him.  "Pretty good, huh?"

"Mm, yeah, it is good," Justin said, smiling.

JC handed him a fork.  "Maybe you should use this if you want to eat more,
then," he said, his eyes sparkling with laughter.  "Because I'm sure not
going to feed you the whole entire meal."

Justin pouted, but took the fork.

Rick laughed.  "Remember when I was sick that one time, and you tried to
feed me chicken soup?  And you spilled it all over me?"

JC blushed.  "Yeah, I remember," he said, softly, wishing Rick wouldn't
bring up the past.  His heart belonged to Justin now, whatever happened in
the past was irrelevant.

Not to be outdone, Justin spoke up, "Yeah, remember when we had that food
fight on the tour bus?  You got chocolate syrup in my hair!"

Rick countered, "I remember when you tried to cook us breakfast one
morning...  I still haven't recovered enough to be able to eat scrambled
eggs!"

"What are you talking about, Josh is a great cook," Justin said,
defensively.  "We cooked dinner together last night."

"Yeah, I taught him a few things...  He learns quick.  And I don't mean
just cooking," Rick said, winking at JC.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Justin asked, looking at Rick suspiciously.

Rick said nothing, he simply scooped rice into his mouth with his
chopsticks.

JC was bright red.  He hated this.  He hated the way they were trying to
outdo each other.  He hated that Rick was baiting Justin and he hated that
Justin felt the need to rise to the challenge.  He met Rick's gaze and saw
a smug look on his face.

The rest of the meal followed the same pattern.  Either Rick or Justin
would bring something up about JC, and the other felt the need to bring
something else up to top it.  All the while, JC remained silent, turning
thoughts over in his head.  He needed to talk to Rick, it was obvious.

Finally, they had finished eating, the check had been paid, and they were
walking out to their cars.  JC led Justin over to his car and kissed him on
the cheek.  "I'm going to talk to Rick for a minute, okay?  I'll be right
back."

Justin nodded, even though he wasn't happy about the idea.  He watched as
JC trotted over to where Rick was, leaning against his silver BMW.

"We should do this again," Rick said, running a hand up JC's arm.  "Without
the kid."

JC pulled away.  "No, I don't think we should," he said.  "And he's not a
kid."  JC searched his brain for the right words to say, but all that came
out was, " I love him."

Rick looked at JC sadly.  "Is it forever, Jazz?"

JC nodded.  "It's forever.  I knew it the very first time I kissed him.
Hell, the very first time I laid eyes on him, even though I didn't realize
it.  What we had...  I'll always remember and treasure it, but what I have
with Justin...  It's magic, Rick.  The way he makes me feel, the things he
makes me feel...  There's no other way to describe it.  He completes me, he
makes me feel whole..."

Rick nodded.  "I was hoping that there could still be something between us,
Jazz.  But...  I guess we're just not meant to be.  Not like you and
Justin."

JC sighed, "I was hoping you would understand..."

"I do," Rick interrupted.  "I understand.  I only wish that I had something
like what you have.  Someone who loves me and someone who I can love."

"You'll find him, Rick," JC said, hugging him.  "I know you will."

Rick closed his eyes, hugging JC tight, knowing this would be the last time
he'd be able to.  "Thanks, Jazz," he whispered.  He pulled away, brushing
his lips across JC's high cheekbones.  "I guess the most I can ask of you
now is to be happy."

JC looked back at Justin, who was watching them closely, arms crossed and
that adorable pout on his face.  "I will be," he said, beaming.  "As long
as I have him, I will be..."


Feedback?  Comments?  Constructive criticism?
Wondering where I got the name "Jrok" from?
Emails to: jcduck275@yahoo.com