Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2000 23:18:29 -0700
From: CrazyStar <crazystar@canoemail.com>
Subject: crazy 10

Hey hey... yeah, I finally tossed ya another one. It's a little different,
but... maybe y'all will like it.

Props go out to seth (yeah, JLS), jeff, and everyone out there that I'm
forgetting.

I'm not at all suggesting anything here... it's all fiction, and whatever
you read into it is your own business.

Stay cool yo...

[Last Time....]

"Hello son. This is your father." His voice sounded cold and I shivered at
the thought of the disapproving look that I knew was on his face.

"Uh, hi Dad."

"Listen, I don't have a lot of time right now, so I'm just going to cut to
the chase." I could feel my blood pressure start to rise. I knew this was
not going to be good.

"Uh huh."

"I think it's time you come home now. You've been fooling around long
enough."

"What are you talking about? I'm taking a vacation. It's not like I'm
missing school or anything. And I *am* an adult. I think I'm capable of
deciding when it's time to come home." I hated it when he tried to treat me
like a child. I just want to be treated like someone who's capable of
making their own decisions. Besides, it's not like I was using his money
down here.

"Look, I'm not going to argue with you. You are an adult, but I am still
your father. I want you to come home tomorrow. I've had Kristina book you a
flight and she'll call you later with the details."

"Dad, you know I love y'all, but I am not coming home tomorrow just because
you tell me to. You have to give me a reason why it's so urgent that I come
home." Not to mention, I was so not going to just leave Justin. Not
now. But I definitely couldn't tell him that. This was so not fun.

"Did you hear me?" He was practically yelling into the phone. "I don't have
to justify myself to you. If you don't get on that plane tomorrow, don't
bother ever coming home." He hung up and I just sat there with tears
streaming down my face. This was NOT happening. It couldn't. NOT NOW!

****

Crazy
Chapter Ten

I zoned out. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. I was desperately
trying to convince myself that I was just day dreaming, and that I hadn't
just had that conversation with my father.

"Ryan?" Justin ripped me back into reality and I knew that the conversation
really had happened.

I briefly looked up. Everyone was staring at me. No... everyone was
studying me. Chris looked confused and a little embarrassed to have been
privy to my side of the conversation. Josh was sitting there with his jaw
on his knees and his eyes on the other side of the room. Lance was
thinking, which wasn't really all that unusual, but he was concentrating on
something very, very deeply. Finally Justin... Justin looked really
scared. All of the colour had been drawn from his face. He looked like he
was five years old and someone had just taken his favourite toy away from
him.

I pulled myself away from the peering eyes and went back into my own little
world. If my mind usually went at a thousand kilometres an hour, then I was
now thinking at over a billion. My thoughts and emotions became all jumbled
into one crazy mess that it was really difficult to determine which way was
up.

I was angry that I was being pushed around like a little kid. I was
disappointed that my relationship with my Dad had turned so sour. I was
furious that someone was attempting to cut my trip short. How could he do
this to me? What could possibly be so urgent that I needed to be home
tomorrow? Why wouldn't he tell me why I had to come home? Why was he so
insistent? Why was he angry? Why didn't my mom get on the phone? I don't
want to leave Justin. What would happen to us if I left? Would he forget
about me? How would I manage to live at home after this? I HATE my
father. I love Justin. I... I...

Finally my mind went so far into overload that I couldn't see
anymore. Everything was just a huge jumble of colours and odd shapes that
would never have any meaning to me. And then... everything went black.

When I finally became conscious again, a few minutes later, Justin was
sitting cross-legged on the floor tightly holding my right hand and looking
even more freaked out than he had before. The other guys had disappeared,
but I could hear the sound of their voices in the kitchen. I was now lying
flat on my back on Lance's black leather couch. I was having trouble
breathing and my head hurt. That always seemed to happen when I had way too
much to deal with. My body just starts to say "no" and slowly shuts itself
down. Nice and comfortable for the mean time, but not the most effective
thing to do when trying to deal with problems.

When Justin realized that I was awake again he jumped up and pulled me into
a deep hug. With what little energy I had I hugged him back.

"I love you Ry." He whispered softly into my ear. It made me smile, sorta.

"I love ya too J." And then we both sighed. Him because he didn't know what
to say or do to make things better, and me because I had no clue what I was
going to do. I didn't even know where to start describing the fight I had
just had with my Dad. So, we just stayed like that... honestly, I was not
complaining either, and not just because we were putting on the
inevitable. It *did* feel good. Too good almost.

"Ryan?" Justin sounded so innocent. It was like he was about to ask his mom
if he could go out and play with his friends or have a cookie or something.

"Mmmm?" Nice to know that I had some sort of decent vocabulary.

"What's going on?" He seemed almost hurt that he had to ask. Then again, he
could be afraid that I would just push him away if he pushed too hard; it
wasn't that far from being a possibility either.

We both sat up and he held onto my hand again, except this time he was
sitting on the couch with me. I took in a deep breath and let out a long,
drawn out sigh. I trust J, and if he's gonna help me with stuff that I'm
gonna have to share things with him. Whether they're good things or bad. I
wasn't used to it, but that was going to have to change, starting right
now.

"Umh... well... it's like this yo. That was my Dad." I flinched; completely
involuntarily. Justin squeezed tighter to let me know that he was there and
he wasn't going anywhere. "He, uh..." Tears started to fall down my cheeks
as the realization of what he had asked me to do finally hit me. "He *gulp*
demanded that I come home... tomorrow." Somehow my chin found it's way to
Justin shoulder and I held him tighter than I had ever held onto anything
in my life. I didn't want to let go. Ever.

Justin shivered as if a chill had just passed through his entire
body. "Why?" We didn't move from the hug. At this point we needed each
other.

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me... All he said was that his executive
assistant would call me later with the flight arrangements...." Justin
pulled apart enough to look into my eyes. I stared right back into the
crystal blue pools before me. No matter where we were or how I felt, I
could always loose myself in them.

"That's not everything is it?" Justin stuck his lower lip out slightly in a
partial pout. He was curious, but at the same time, completely afraid of
the answer.

"No." It didn't even come out as a whisper. I cleared my throat and tried
again. "Uh... no." I hung my head and stared at the creases in the black
leather underneath us. I didn't want to finish. I didn't even want to think
about it. I wanted to just forget everything that was said between my Dad
and I, but I couldn't do that. Well... I could, but...

Justin started to lightly rub my back. He was so cute... and I don't mean
just physically either. He was so worried about hurting me. I just felt so
safe with him. And that was something I had not felt for way too long. I
couldn't even remember the last time that I felt safe like this. I didn't
ever think that I'd feel safe like this. I did know that I liked it
though. I let out one of my trademark deep sighs.

"Shh... it's cool Ry."

We stayed like that for a long time. Several hours actually. I wasn't
thinking, and I was barely feeling. I was just in this little protective
bubble. The only things in that bubble were Justin, the couch we were
laying on, and myself. Nothing could get in. Not even the other guys. Not
that they tried. I think they just decided to let Justin deal with it, and
then do whatever they could from there.

Finally Justin's watch broke the silence of our air tight compartment. He
gently glanced down and caught the time before saying anything.  "Ryan..."

"Mmmm?"

"We should go to bed dude... it's after three in the morning." He paused,
and looked as if he was going to say something else, but then changed his
mind.

"K." The two of us floated in out little bubble up the stairs and into the
bedroom that Justin used whenever he stayed at Lance's. His hand never left
mine until I dropped onto the bed.

"I'll be right back, k?" He seemed a little nervous about leaving me
alone. Even if it was only going to be a few minutes. So I gave him a
little smile and nodded to reassure him that it was coo with me.

I felt so exhausted that I didn't get a chance to see him come back though,
because I quickly retreated into the darkness that, at least at this point,
represented sleep. The last thing I remember is thinking that my arms and
legs felt like lead.  ***

"Justin? Is that you?" Lance's deep voice softly reverberated through the
blackness of the hallway as Justin padded his way towards the washroom.

"Yup." The word was Justin's, but there was nothing else that was
recognizably Justin in the response. He was emotionally, physically and
mentally drained in having to go through with this whole thing. It bothered
him that he couldn't fix it, and as such... his mind was preoccupied.

"What's going on J? We're worried." Justin couldn't see Lance standing in
front of his bedroom door, but he knew that he was there.

"Well..." Justin paused to sigh. He didn't know what to tell Lance. He
didn't ask Ryan if he could discuss it with the other guys because he
wasn't expecting to run into any of them that night. Justin sighed once
more because he knew what he needed to do. "Lance, I can't say much right
now. I'm sorry, but... I just think that you should wait to talk to Ryan. I
know how you feel about us keeping secrets from each other, but it's not my
secret to tell. I don't know how he would feel about me just blabbing all
his problems to you guys without asking first... I'm sorry Lance, but I
can't betray his trust like that."

Had Justin been able to see Lance he would've seen a broad smile appear
across Lance's face showing his straight, white teeth. "It's cool Just. I
mean you could... but you won't and I respect that."

"Thanks Lance." Justin responded with an unseen yawn in the blackness of
the hallway.

"That doesn't mean that I'm not worried though..." Justin stepped forward
and gave Lance a reassuring hug. It wasn't so much to reassure Lance as it
was to thank him. That and reassure himself. Lance released Justin and
patted him lightly on his head of curls. "Goodnight Just. Sleep well ok?"

"I will thanks Lance. You too a'ight?" With that they both retreated into
their respective rooms.

Once inside his room, Justin stripped down to his blue Old Navy boxers and
climbed into bed beside the sleeping Ryan; wrapping his arms tightly around
him, as if to protect him from what was to come.

***

Lance was sitting in his living room reading the paper early the next
morning. It had been a long night; one that he had found very difficult to
sleep through. It bothered him that he didn't know what was going on. He
always liked to be the one that fixed things. At the same time he knew that
he had to respect what Justin and Ryan had. He would have right to be upset
if this was Justin's secret he was being kept from and Justin wouldn't tell
him. He probably would have been upset if it was Ryan he had spoken with
last night instead of Justin. But, the fact of the matter was that it WAS
Justin he spoke with. In a way, Lance was kinda glad that Justin had been
thoughtful enough not to say anything before asking Ryan if it was ok to
discuss it with the other guys. It proved how much Justin cared about Ryan.

Lance heard the doorbell ring and he glanced up at the glanced up at the
oak grandfather clock at the entrance to the room. `It's only 7 o'clock...'
he thought to himself `it's a little early for anyone to be ringing his
doorbell.' With a deep sigh of annoyance he casually walked to his front
door and cautiously opened it. What he saw deeply shocked him.

Standing in front of him was a small Asian woman in her late twenties
wearing a navy blue business suit with a white blouse underneath. She was
attractive, yet she had this negative vibe to her. She was holding open a
silver badge with which Lance neglected to identify. Accompanying her were
four large, Caucasian male police officers. All in very threatening in both
physical appearance and posture.

"Mr. Bass?" Lance nodded, still completely dumbstruck. "I'm Anna Wong with
Federal Immigration. We're looking for Ryan Brent Scott of British
Columbia, Canada. Do you know where he is?" She was stern and almost polite
with her obviously Chinese accent, but at the same time she seemed
frustrated and seemingly extremely annoyed. What little colour remained in
Lance's face completely disappeared.

"Uh... yes, I do. But what, exactly is this all about?"

"Mr. Scott is being deported in accordance with United States Immigration
Laws based on the fact that he has remained in the country for a period
extending that which he stated upon being permitted to gain entry. These
men are to escort him to the airport where he will be flown back to his
country." She was now very cold, and it was quite obvious that she held a
Law degree and knew what her job was, and it seemed, was not going to waste
any time getting through with it. "I would like to remind you at this point
that interfering with this process is a felony punishable by state and
federal law."

"Umh... he's asleep upstairs right now." Lance's voice was shaking, but his
drawl was still quite apparent. "Why don't I show y'all to the living room,
and I'll wake him up so that you may speak with him."

"That's fine." She very coldly replied. Only one of the officer's followed
her in though. It seemed the remainder of the officers waited outside to
ensure no one snuck away. Especially not Ryan in this case.

***

There was a strange knocking noise hurting my head. There was blackness,
but it sounded like someone was pounding a hammer against a cement
wall. "BANG! BANG! BANG!" Suddenly I was being shaken and I could hear a
deep voice calling out my name. It was then I realised that I wasn't
asleep, and that someone- namely Lance as I could tell from the deep
southern drawl that was passing through my ears- was trying very
frantically to wake me up.

I'm not an easy person to wake up in the best of times. Unfortunately this
wasn't anywhere near the best of times and it took a massive amount of
effort on both sides to get me to open my eyes.

I immediately noticed that Just still had his arms wrapped around me... I
smiled inwardly, once again feeling safe by the mere presence and contact
of another person. It felt good and there wasn't too much else to it.

After blinking a few times to bring everything into focus. I saw once very
pale Lance in front of me, and I knew instantly that something really bad
had just or was just about to happen. One of Lance's soft hands found its
way to my left shoulder and sat itself there. Lance gulped.

"Ryan ... you need to get dressed and come downstairs, right now." His
voice was tense and strained. His eyes betrayed a look of fear or
sadness. I couldn't tell; maybe both.

"Huh?" I may have had my eyes open, but that didn't mean that my brain was
working any better.

"You've gotta get dressed and come downstairs... there's someone here for
you." He paused for a moment to think. At least one of us was
thinking. "You better get Justin up too."

"Why? What's going on?" I was awake now and I could feel the heat rising in
my face. I don't get mad very often, but when I do, it's not pleasant at
all. The first thought that came to me was that Catharine, my father's
executive assistant, was downstairs. The memory of last night's phone call
came rushing back to me and I was furious. I mean, what the fuck was going
on?  "Lance??" It came out forcefully and I immediately regretted it. Lance
recoiled away from me as if he thought I was going to hit him or
something. I took a deep breath and continued. "Sorry Scoop, but what is
going on?" Lance sighed as I sat up so abruptly that Justin started to wake
up.

"Huh????" Justin mumbled out, obviously confused.

"Well... there's a Miss Wong here to see you. She came with police
officers." My jaw dropped open and Justin was instantly awake and
alert. I've never seen him wake up so fast. "Look, they sounded really
serious and were totally down to business. You guys should just down there
real fast. In the meantime I'm gonna call my lawyer ok?"

"A'ight yo..." My voice trailed off not expressing the mass confusion in my
head. My mind was racing as I tried to pull on a pair of blue adidas shorts
and a white sleeveless t-shirt that Lance handed me. Had I done anything
wrong? No, I couldn't have. I didn't steal anything. I didn't kill
anyone. I didn't buy, sell or do any drugs. What the fuck was going on? I
almost tripped on the corner of the bed as I made my way out of the room
and down the stairs with both Lance and Justin trailing quickly behind me.

When I reached the living room I saw a petite Asian woman whom I have never
had the pleasure of meeting before. She was extremely attractive, but she
looked like someone you definitely didn't want to mess with. And to be
honest, I was really wishing that I didn't have to meet her now.

"Mr Scott?" I nodded my head and dropped into one of Lance's oversized
leather chairs. "My name is Anna Wong. I'm with the United States
Department of Immigration." She opened the briefcase in front of her and
pulled out a beige piece of paper handing it to me. "This is an order
stating that you must depart the United States of America before Fourteen
hundred hours today."

I was completely perplexed. I mean... BUH! I raised an eyebrow in
confusion. "Uh... why?"

Miss Wong's eyes narrowed and a vein appeared as a blemish on her otherwise
perfect forehead. "Because you have remained in the United States for a
period longer than you stated upon gaining entry. That sir is an illegal
act and as such you are to be deported to Canada as soon as possible." No
sympathy. No compassion. No emotion at all. She was the coldest person I
had ever met... well, with the exception of my father.

The police officer I hadn't noticed in the hallway now entered the room. He
was in his early forties. Clearly in shape, and very aggressive
looking. His brown eyes seemed to pierce through my soul with such hatred
that one would think I had just murdered his own daughter in cold blood or
something.

"Officer Bradford will escort you to the airport once you have you things
together and will see to it that you leave the country at the earliest time
possible. He will wait for you outside." The large man nodded and removed
himself from the room.

My head was spinning. Why was this happened. Why are they being so anal
about this. So what if I told the fat customs officer that I was only
staying for two weeks. I didn't know I was going to meet some friends. I
didn't know that I was going to fall in love. What the FUCK? Why does shit
like this always happen to me. I became frozen and couldn't move. I saw
Miss Wong snap her briefcase shut and then quickly stand up.

"That's all I have to say Mr Scott. Good day." With that she floated across
the floor, out of the room, and let herself out the front door.

I still couldn't move. I was more than confused. I was shocked. What kind
of fucked up country was this anyways? The kick you out for staying in the
country a few days longer than you said that you would stay. I mean, I've
only been here for like two and a half weeks! BUH!!!

I was finally unfrozen and the tears started to fall. I was quickly
engulphed by two pairs of arms. One belonging to a great friend. The
other... belonging to the person that I had seriously fallen for over the
past few days. Justin... why do I have to leave... Oh my God!

"That fucking bastard!" It was a forceful whisper. Only barely loud enough
to hear, yet powerful enough to sting.

I shook the cobwebs from my head and saw Lance and Justin staring at
me. They were both crying. Their red puffy eyes were almost bulging out of
their heads. They had no clue what was going on, but I had a gut feeling I
knew exactly what had just happened... and it was all because of Gregory
Nickolas Scott: my father.

"Fuck!"

"What?" Lance was in his business mode now. He wanted to take care of
this. Justin, on the other hand, wasn't saying anything. He didn't know
what to do. So he was doing what he knew how to do: be there for me.

"Umh..." I was suddenly beyond my breaking point as the tears that had been
trickling down my face increased until a full blown storm of sobs over took
my body. "WHY?" I managed to get out in between. I've been way too fucking
emotional over the past few days and it was really starting to get to
me. It was exhausting... especially for someone who usually hides his
feelings from other people. Justin did his best to comfort me, and
eventually it worked.

Once I finally calmed down again I told them what I thought had
happened. "My dad... he's got connections and I think this is his twisted
way of forcing me to come home."

"Fuck..." Justin hugged me closer to his body. "We'll fix this. I
promise. Right Lance?" Justin was strong. He knew that they could do
something to help. Maybe not today... but, eventually. They could fix
everything. He sounded so sure.

"Definitely Just." Lance smiled. I don't know if it was to reassure me or
if it was to reassure himself, but at least it was mostly effective. Cuz I
believed him. "I'll get our lawyers on the phone right and now and see what
they can do. You might have to leave today, but they should be able to get
you back here tomorrow, or the day after at the very latest. This is the
stupidest thing I've ever..." His voice trailed off as he walked around the
corner into the kitchen to make his call.

Justin pulled away a little bit so that he could lightly rub his fingers
over my face. He circled around my lips with his thumb again and
again. Finally, he placed a soft kiss on my lips. It wasn't a kiss of lust,
or even one of want. It was just one that was completely filled with
love. It was warm and totally comforting. It, like everything about him,
made me feel safe.

"I guess I need to start packing huh?" Justin and I sighed
simultaneously. I was joking, but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to
stay here... with Justin.

"Yeah..." His crystal eyes looked off into the far distance for a short
period of time before he slid off my lap and stood up. Justin grabbed my
hands and pulled me up with him, so that he could drag me off to find
Lance. We found him in the kitchen on the phone looking like he was
concentrating on a math exam or something. Every once in a while he would
say "yeah..." and nod his head in acknowledgement; as if the other person
could see him.

"Ok, thanks Tim. Yeah, I will... k, bye." Lance hung up the phone and spun
around to look at Justin and I as we were leaning against the
counter. Well, actually, Justin was leaning against the counter. I was
leaning against Justin. He had his arms around my waist and it just felt
so... comfortable. It's really hard to put into words how great Justin made
me feel. It was a warm, soft feeling... and it felt so good. "Umh, I just
spoke to Tim- he's one of our lawyers over at Jive Ry- he said that they
probably wouldn't be able to stop this thing right now, but that they
should be able to get ya back here in a couple of days or so..." Lance's
eyes conveyed nothing but the utmost sympathy. "I'm sorry Ryan... I know
how much this is hurting you." Justin gently placed his head on my right
shoulder and tightened his grip around me. It seemed like the three of us
all sighed at once.

"Thanks Scoop. Y'all have done so much for me in the past couple weeks..."
tears stared to slowly make their way down my cheeks again. "Man, I
just... uh... thanks." I managed a week smile at him before he made his way
across the kitchen to give us- I mean us, since at that point Justin and I
were one- a hug. We just stood there like that for a long time. Justin with
his head on my shoulder and arms snugly around my waist. Lance with his
arms around my shoulders. And me in the middle feeling like I was acting
like a baby about this whole thing. I mean... I don't know why I was being
all emotional and stuff. I guess it's just because I finally let some
really crunk people get close to me, and now I had to leave. Man, Murphy
really had a shitty way of enforcing his stupid laws.

We finally all let go of each other and headed for the door so we could go
to Justin's to pick up my stuff that was there. After that we had to head
to the hotel, which I had not been to in almost a week to pick up
everything else was there. The whole way we had a couple cop cars trailing
us. I tried to totally ignore it though because it would just start to piss
me off and then I'd get upset if I thought about it too much. Ignoring it
was made a lot harder by the lack of conversation between the three of
us. Lance was focused on driving and Justin just stared off into space the
whole time. By the time we reached the terminal at the airport I was
starting to get choked up all over again.

Lance parked his Four Runner and we walked into the semi-busy terminal. I
don't know what it is about American Airports, but they always seemed like
they were busy. People always had places to go and things to do. So many
people passed us as we walked to the Airline Desk to check in. Everyone
seemed like they were in a hurry or ten minutes late for an important
meeting or something. Lance pointed towards the Canadian airlines desk and
gave me a little push to wake me up from the current state my mind was
in. I hadn't even noticed that the cops were still following us. Even
here...

"Hello, how may I help you sir?" The young woman was way too
perky. Normally I would have appreciated her soft blue eyes and flowing
blond hair which framed her gentle face extremely well, but my mind was
still elsewhere at that point.

"Umh, hi..." I needed to clear my throat because my voice sounded like I
had stuffed it full of cotton balls, "ahem, sorry... uh, I've got a ticket
reserved for me here." I did NOT want to be doing this right now.

"What was the last name sir?" She was extremely polite, but it still
sounded harsh to me. I guess it was more the situation than anything
else. I dropped my luggage on the scale so she could tag it and get it on
the plane.

"Scott. Ryan B." I tried to bore holes in the counter with my eyes, as she
typed the name into her computer.

"Can I see some ID please sir?" This would be easier to do if I didn't have
Justin and Lance with me right now, but I knew that it wouldn't be fair-to
any of us- if they weren't here. I pulled out my passport and handed it to
her. She examined it and then set it back in my hands.

"Ok." She smiled, but I wasn't looking. I didn't really care either. "Here
you go sir. If you head down this hallway and make a right turn, you'll
find our lounge and you can wait there until the plane is ready to depart."
A boarding pass appeared into my field of view. I snatched it and took off
without even thinking about thanking her. It was out of character, but I
wasn't really me right now. I guess that was sort of an attempt at comfort,
because if I wasn't me, then I didn't have to go through this right now and
I could just have a normal, happy life. Me normal? That's an oxymoron.

Speaking of morons, I almost ran into one on the way to the VIP lounge. I
didn't bother excusing myself. I wasn't sorry he was in such a rush and
almost knocked me over. Justin did happen to be right behind me at that
point and he did run into the back of me, stepping on my heel.

"Sorry..." he mumbled. Apparently he wasn't feeling to great at this point
either. Damn. That hurt me, because I knew that it had everything to do
with me that he was feeling hurt right now. What kind of person was I that
brought pain to my friends? `I'm sorry Justin' I thought, even though I
knew that he couldn`t hear me.

We finally reached the large pale oak door that lead to the lounge. I
opened it slowly and stepped into the moderately bright room. Normally I
would've have appreciated how nice the room was, but at the point I really
couldn't give a fuck. I dropped down onto one of the large leather couches
and Justin plopped down beside me.

I looked up at him. His eyes were closed. Not because he was tired, or
because his eyes stung, but because he was trying to do exactly the same
thing I was: shut out the world and this crap we were going through right
now. I grabbed his hand and squeezed. I wanted him to know that I was
thinking about him, and he was the reason that this was hurting so
much. It's so hard to find something like this. And it's even harder to
leave something like this. But this wasn't just anything... this was love.

Maybe it was totally crazy to be thinking so seriously about something that
had just started, but so what if we hadn't known each other for years. I
don't think that anyone that says it takes years to fall in love has ever
really been in love.

"This is all going to work out you know?" Justin's words were flat- he
sounded tired-, but his eyes were hopeful. I think he knew everything would
eventually be ok.

"I hope so J..." I sighed and stared out the large window across from us at
the planes and the "miserable" day outside. "Y'know it's kinda weird that
when y'all think the weather sucks here, it's really not that bad." Justin
twisted his face in concentration before breaking into a small smile.

"I love it when you do that." Justin started to trace the veins on the back
on my left hand with his index finger.

"Huh?"

"Random thoughts. You just spew them out sometimes. Although, I do have to
think about what you`re talking about to figure out what you mean." I hung
my head slightly and stared at the maple-leaf pattern on the soft blue
carpet.

"Sorry."

"No, don't be... I think it's cute." We both smiled and shared a moment in
our own little bubble. No one else could touch us when we were there. It
was all good there...

*POP*

"Hey guys... I don't want to interrupt, but..." Lance looked like he had
just ran over his best friend's dog.

`I have to go.' `He has to go' was silently broadcasted in each of our
heads. It didn't need to be spoken. We knew that it was coming, so there
was no point in verbalizing it.

It didn't even seem real. I was floating and yet I felt like my arms and
legs had concrete blocks tied to them. At first I had trouble moving, but
somehow eventually I was released from my restraints and I slowly stood up
pulling Justin with me. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. If I did... this
whole thing would fall apart and I'd never make it home in one piece.

The dreaded announcement to board came over the speaker in the lounge. I
tried to ignore it, but I heard it. If only I had plugged my ears, or if I
had suddenly become deaf. I figured I'd just hold on a few more minutes
anyways.

The tears started again; very slowly. Dripping silently down my cheeks. The
final boarding call floated out of the grey grate in the ceiling. Grrr.

"Guys?" Lance's voice was only a whisper, and it sounded sad, but he knew
that he had to say something. He rested his hand gently on my left
shoulder. He really was sorry this was happening.

"I love you Just." It was a soft whisper in his ear.

I just let go of him and briskly walked away. I wasn't going to be able to
do this unless I just forced it. I turned and I was gone. I was practically
sprinting down the passenger arm onto the aircraft after showing my
boarding pass to the attendant. I could hear feet running behind me and
someone sobbing. I knew that someone was Justin. And if I stopped right now
to look, I would not be getting on that plane; police officers or not.

Looking through what seemed like old, scratched up plexi-glass, I fumbled
my way into my seat and tried to buckle up. My hands were shaking so badly
that I had to get help from the flight attendant in doing it up. My body
was covered in goosebumps and there was a cold sweat running down my
forehead. As the 747 began to taxi I felt an immense sickness in my stomach
and quickly grabbed one of the puke bags in front of me and filled it to
the top. After we took off I filled another one and then became totally
consumed by sobs.

I wanted to scream. I couldn't breath. My insides hurt. There were tears
burning my face. I wanted to hurl again. I wished I could punch
something. My head was totally spinning. I felt completely disorientated.

Eventually the sobs and gasps for air gave way to more silent tears. They
were running down my face like a tap that wouldn't turn off. There were
people looking at me. Actually, they were totally staring, but at this
point I really couldn't give a fuck what they were thinking or doing. I was
in some serious pain, not only because I was missing Justin, but because I
knew how much he was hurting- not only from the fact that I had to leave,
but also because of the way that I had to leave- and this was so not
cool. I could never forgive my father for this one. Never.

***

Ok, well that's it for now. I know that it's totally been a long time, but
I've not exactly been around the last little while, and I'm sorry for
that. Until next time, keep it crunk and I'll catch y'all laterz.