Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 23:43:55 EST
From: WiteLiteLeo@aol.com
Subject: Dealing Part 2

Well, hey. I am back. I am so happy. lol Anyway, thanks to you all who
e-mailed me. I wasn't expecting such a big response. A lot of you really
seemed to like it. I'm glad.  Sorry this took a little longer to get out
than I expected. I have like the first five chapters all written out,
before I even sent the first one, but after reading something the other
night, I had to change a couple of things. Don't worry, it's for the
better. Now, as for the usual, this is all fake, don't read it if you don't
wanna, or shouldn't, etc. One more thing, hope you like it Gary. You better
be reading! Don't make me come up there. lol So, no, on wit the story.


Dealing
Part2
By: CJ


	Stars give off light. The moon gives off greater light. But nothing
lights up the night sky, like millions of fireworks going up at one time,
light reflecting of a big, beautiful bay. Brian and Justin had wondered
down the beach, having to walk almost a mile to reach the viewing spot for
the show. Brian had said he had been walking the beaches all day, and knew
the perfect spot to watch. And he had known. It was completely empty, being
on the side of the bay that was all nature, no development, as of
yet. Justin didn't mind the long walk there, giving him and Brian some more
time to talk, while being an `official' couple.

"Hey Just, can I ask you something?" Brian said using a name that he had
only used when Justin was little. Justin smiled.

"You can ask me anything. I think that's like a rule or something in
dating." Brian laughed with Justin as he said that.

"Actually, I don't think there are rules for dating. Especially not in our
situation." Brian said grabbing Justin's hand. Justin stopped smiling and
looked at the hand intertwined with his own. It was like a warm, wind
blowing over him. It felt good to Justin, who had known a lot of bad
recently. Justin finally snapped out of it as they came upon the place that
they were to bring in the New Year.

"So, you had a question?" Justin said sitting down, pulling Brian by the
hand down with him. Brian shook his head.

"Oh, yeah. Umm." Brian voice got serious. "You were gone all day today. I
am sure I know what you did. thought about all of this and what
happened. That's what I did."  Justin nodded, as that was all he had done
today. "But. what made you come back?  What made you come back to me?"
Justin looked at him and smiled as he thought.

"Honestly, all I have wanted to do today was come back to you. I finally
just gave in to the feeling. But if you mean, what made me come down here,
and believe I wanted to be with you." Brian smiled as he listened to Justin
say what he was really trying to ask.  "When I came back here, I figured
you were in the room. I was I to know you had gone.  So I ran up there. I
thought you had gone back to NY or something honestly. All the lights were
off, I didn't see your suitcase or anything, and I didn't see you. But
luckily, you had left the balcony doors open. When I went to shut them,
something made me go out there. I guess the ocean is just as soothing to me
as you. And. that's when I saw you. You looked so sad and innocent. You
hair rustling in the wind, your silk shirt flapping against your
skin. That's when I knew. that's when I had to come down here. I don't know
what I had decided when I came back up here. I don't think it was this. I
don't think I had decided for us to be together. I don't know if it was for
me to be gay. I don't really remember. But I mean if it was, then I could
have easily." Justin was interrupted by finding himself gasping, and then
the loud popping of fireworks.

Brian turned to the sky and gasped also at the site in front of him. It was
truly beautiful.  The only problem was, Justin was gasping at something
totally different. Brian was so distracted, he barely noticed Justin get
up, and start running back to the hotel.

As soon as Brian took notice, he was up yelling Justin's name while staying
right behind him. The words didn't hit Justin for a couple of minutes when
he started to slow and turn around. Brian stopped suddenly in front of
Justin. He noticed the tears in his eyes.  "Justin, what's wrong? Did I."
Brian asked trying to catch his breath, and figure out what had just
happened. Justin stopped him shortly.

"No. No. It's not you.  I am sorry I took off like that. It didn't really
hit me until. I can't believe I forgot. I am so stupid." Justin said
chastising himself. Brian looked at him.

"Justin, what is going on? What's wrong?" Brian said trying to make sense
of what Justin was saying.

"It's just." Justin tried to calm himself. He didn't know what to say.
"JC." Was all that came out. Justin looked down not knowing if it sounded
out loud, like it did in his head.  Brian looked at him confused.

"As in, your friend, JC of `Nsync?" Brian asked trying to figure where this
was coming from. Justin shook his head.

"No, as in my ex-friend, my ex-best friend." Justin said slowly as he
turned to continue his walk. Brian took a second before he caught back up
with Justin. He wasn't sure what to say.

"If you wanna talk." That was all Brian would allow himself to say. He
didn't want press it. He knew he couldn't. Justin had changed so quick,
from being the same guy who had been with him these two weeks, the same one
he had kissed 20 minutes before, to someone who looked as though reality
just hit him. Of course everything had changed so recently for Brian. He
was just trying to keep up.

"You know, I never told you the reason I left New York. You told yours,
guess I should tell mine." Justin smiled to hide his distance. Not very
well. "I said I had to get away from everything for awhile. And I guess
that is partly true. Before I left JC told me. and I am telling you this
because I completely trust you." Brian smiled and nodded. He felt the same
trust. Justin had to start from the beginning. There was no other way he
could convey what was running through his head right then. "JC is gay. He
told me awhile ago.  I found him crying himself to sleep, just because he
felt lonely. So, he finally told me after crying on my shoulder. I didn't
care. He was my best friend. We have been forever.  Right before I told him
I was leaving NY, he came to ask what we were doing for Christmas. We
always spend Christmas together. Ever since I was five, we were with his
parents, or my parents, or both of them, or just us together. he was my
best friend."  Brian hated himself, for his thoughts were leading to some
place, he didn't want to go.

Brian interrupted having to know if this was going where he suspected. "You
have admitted your gay, at least I guess you have, so are you trying to
tell me that you're not?  Or are you telling me that you are in love with
JC? Because either way, this is a good time to tell me. Before this gets
too much." Brian said strongly, but ready to crumble if it came to those
options. He really didn't understand what was going on.

Justin let a tear fall from his face. "Was it coming out like that? I
didn't mean it too.  Brian, I wouldn't lie to you. I actually don't think I
can lie to you. I have told you too much for me to start now. I am not in
love with JC. And I guess that I am gay, because I. because I love you."
Justin wanted to go and hug Brian, but this was hard. That had just
starting dating, not even in it a day and he was already screwing it up.

"Then where are you going with all this JC stuff? I want to be here to help
you. You are one of my best friends, you are my. boyfriend. Let me be there
for you?" Brian said pulling Justin into a hug.

"I am sorry. I shouldn't have brought this.." Brian kissed Justin in a way
that was sudden and unexpected and made Justin stop in mid sentence.

"Yes, you should have. I am the one who is sorry. This just all seems so
unreal. If someone had told me three weeks ago, I would be where I am, with
you; I would have laughed them out the room. And then we met, really met
for the first time, became close, and now we are starting a relationship
that neither of us is really, can really understand what to do next. I am
just scared this is all going to. fall apart, or not be real. I
shouldn't. I'm sorry." Brian said, releasing so much, feelings that had
been building long before he and Justin even met. They just happened to
coincide with his feelings for this moment. "So, you were saying? Before
you left NY.?" Brian said after telling him self he wanted to hear this. Or
he at least needed to hear this. For his sake and Justin's.

"He told me he was in love. That he was in love with me." Justin sounded
small and unsure. He couldn't think of any other way to put it. He wanted
Brian to understand why he was upset without making it sound as if he was
falling for JC or whatever else came into Brian's mind. He hoped that would
be all right. Brian looked out to the ocean, just as he had been when
Justin stood watching from above. "I told him.. Nobody wants to see the
ones they love cry. It hurts almost as much as if you were crying for the
same reasons.  And nobody wants to be the reason that your loved ones
cry. And I was they reason he had tears. So, I told him I didn't know how I
felt. And I didn't when I left. I was confused, and things were going all
wrong for the group, and me and I needed to get away. It was all too much
for me. When he told me that he loved me, I told him.. I told him
that. That I didn't know how I felt. But I do now." He took his finger and
placed it under Brian's chin. He lightly pulled Brian's face to meet his,
their eyes locking.  "Please don't think I am saying something I not. I see
you looking out into those waves.  Look at me. I am here for you. You said
you have to replace people sometimes, but not this time. I am here. Don't
turn away." Justin was pleading now. How had this happened?  Things were
going to fast. And he knew Brian felt this too.

"Justin, I am not trying to replace you, I am listening to every word you
say. I just don't get why this came up, if you don't feel this way. Why, at
midnight, of the new Millenium, with me, did you think of JC?" Brian eyes
were filled with small tears, trying to escape. Justin saw Brian's force
holding them back.

"It's just, he gave me until today. Or tonight I should say to make up my
mind. If he didn't hear from me, it meant that I didn't feel the same. And
I DON'T." Justin said making sure Brian understand this point. "But, I
completely forgot about everything when I met you. Everything that was
wrong in my life seemed to be fixed by you. Just being with you. So I
haven't called. I haven't thought about it. But then, we were bringing in
the New Year, and you asked why I came back, and it wasn't just `cause I
thought I was gay too, because I could have known that when JC told me how
he felt before I left. It's like." Justin tried to think of something Brian
would understand. "It's like I didn't think I was gay, and so it would be
easy to fall in love with you, but I fell in love with you and thought, I
guess I am gay." The things Justin was saying. about him touched Brian. He
too felt this about Justin, but all his life he had thought this moment
would never come for him, and that reality wouldn't leave in one night.

"Well, maybe you should go and give him a call now." Brian conceded,
letting Justin's hand go. Justin looked at him.

"You really want me to go?" Justin asked, more than the obvious
question. If was asking if Brian wanted him to go for good. He voice was
shaky at best.

"Justin, we have been together, what, a whole of three or four hours, and
look at us. We are already crying and.. This just doesn't seem right
between us. There is something not there. There is something missing."
Brian looked down as he said this. He couldn't believe it. He had just
spent all day crying that he had messed up his chance to be with Justin,
and now he was telling Justin to run to another man. Justin nodded and
turned away, not knowing what to say.

He got about 4 feet before turning around. "You know," He said getting
Brian's attention off the ground. "You say there is something missing
between us.but every since I met you, the thing I was missing seemed to be
found." Justin's words hit heard within Brian.  He didn't say anything
though. Letting Justin walk back up the shore. He never saw Justin turn
back once. And Justin never did. He hurt too much.

"Hey. I am so, so sorry for calling you at such a god-awful hour. And I am
really sorry for not calling you before New Year's Eve. I know I just kinda
took off. Left everything kinda unresolved. But I really need a favor."
Justin was speaking so fast, trying his best to hide the hurt in his voice,
and suppress the tears in his eyes.

"I know what you mean. I would have left if I could too. Don't worry
about. Are you OK though? What do you need? You know I am here for you
bro." The voice said a little too cheery for Justin, especially at 3AM.

"Well, I have a flight coming in tomorrow coming in at 10AM. I was hoping
you could pick me up. Please. I hate to bother you. But I have gotta get
out of here." Justin said Brian's image flashing in his mind. `What had
just happened between them?' Not just the fight but them even getting
together was so. different for Justin. But it was over now.  Over before it
had even started.

"Like I said, `I am here for you. Always bro. Are you sure you are all
right though? You sound. different. And a little anxious to get away from
whatever it is you are running from." Justin hated the fact he was so easy
to read. People, especially his best friends, always picked up even the
slightest things.

"Yeah, I am fine. I will explain when we meet. Just, please, be there."

"Sure. What gate?" The voice asked getting some paper and a pen.

Justin gave the man everything he needed and said his good-byes. He didn't
have much time to pack and get to the airport. The flights were pretty
empty, nobody wanting to fly with the whole Y2K thing in effect. But he had
to leave. Now. He had never heard Brian enter the room, until he turned to
find his bags to pack.

"Oh my!" Justin said seeing Brian's figure in front of him. "You scared the
crap out of me." Justin said still searching for his bags. He was uneasy
knowing Brian had to have heard his phone call.

"You are just going to leave?" Brian asked sadly, with a hint of anger and
sarcasm. But his face held nothing but pain. Justin simply nodded.

"Isn't that what you wanted. I wouldn't want to. keep you from finding what
you are missing." Justin said with his own sarcasm, and pain.

"You know, when we started off, we were both looking for something. Maybe
we can still look together?" Brian was trying to undo what he had done,
even though his points were real when he made them on the beach. They both
knew they still were. Even Justin had to admit it.

"We can't do that, because along the way, I found what I was looking for. I
thought you had too. But I was wrong." Justin was still gathering his
stuff, almost having his one bag back to its overloaded status.

"No! Don't say that. Don't ever say that. Even if you get on a plane and
leave, don't think you left nothing behind. Don't think this was nothing."
He said pointing to himself then Justin.  "At least remember that we gave
it a shot and it just didn't work out."  Justin's headed snapped and looked
at Brian. He flinched. "That didn't come out the way I meant." Justin
returned to packing.

"Doesn't matter. It's not an `if', about the plane. I already called. My
seat is all ready."

"And if I said stay? Stay with me? If I said I was an arrogant jerk who was
scared of losing something he didn't understand. But desperately wanted
to?"

Justin knew what Brian's eyes were saying, even without looking up. That is
why he couldn't look up. He knew they wouldn't betray Brian. They would
have the love and essence that Justin had been with these past two weeks.

"I would say, that I need to go before I miss the plane." Brian's tears
came like a floodgate that had broken. He still stood tall though, never
faltering in front of Justin.  Justin grabbed his bags and went to the
door. As he reached for the knob, a hand grasped his shoulders. He sighed
heavily.

He set his bags down and turned around. "I'll tell you this. If you still
want this, us when we next meet on the 13th, I would love to try and not
screw things up with you again. I admit I shouldn't have brought that stuff
up. But I also would like to be able to, I thought I would be able to tell
you anything. But it's not just that. We rushed this. We didn't even know
before we met how we felt, and we can't figure it out in two weeks, maybe
not even in two years. And I really think we should try the friend
thing. Sometimes it means much more than a relationship. And maybe that is
all that's in it for us. But I am not going anywhere. You always will know
where to find me. But I need to be away right now." Justin finally turned
around and picked up his bag. He opened the door and stared at the empty
hallway. He couldn't help. In one quick motion he turned to face Brian,
stared into his eyes, and he kissed him. He leaned in, took his hand behind
Brian's neck and kissed him. It was soft and reassuring, yet distant and
misplaced. He leaned back and stared at Brian. Brian nodded confusing
Justin.

"You better go, you are going to miss your flight." Brian stood there,
slowly stepping backwards. Justin turned his back and before he had a
chance to turn around, he heard a slam. The door now separated them
physically. However, Justin had never felt so far from someone in his whole
life.

"J! It has been two long. I have missed you!" Chris wrapped his arms around
his unexpected friend and squeezed hard. Justin couldn't help but smile. He
was glad he had called Chris. He was the only one left in Orlando besides
JC, and he couldn't call him.  That was a whole thing Justin couldn't be
ready to deal with for awhile. He hoped he could get over it by the time he
had to see JC again. But he shook these thoughts from his mind.

"I have missed you to Braids. It has been too long. Two weeks is like
forever for us.  Thanks for coming to get me. I wasn't in the mood to call
my mom and all. My time away didn't prepare me to deal with all that
again." Justin said smiling. He and Chris started walking towards baggage
claim as they caught up.

"So, JC is in town. Why didn't you call him?" Chris asked as they exited
the airport and they had gotten quiet. Justin looked at him. Was he really
ready to go through the whole story again? No. His episode with Brian ran
still fresh in his mind.

"Because, you are just as much my friend as JC. I love all you guys."
Justin continued staring out his window, trying to stop thoughts of Brian
enter his head. That was not going to happen though. Chris had become
silent and `I wonder what Brian is doing now?' kept coming up.

"Goodbye." Brian said to the door he had closed so many times on so many
important things, in such a short time. He had tried to sleep after Justin
had left, but 30 minutes later he found himself packing his things. He had
figured Justin had the right idea. He had started this journey to be alone,
and get away. He needed it when he was in NY, and he still needed when he
was with Justin. Justin just helped him forget he needed it for awhile. But
now that he had gone, he was free to finish up. To really find what he was
looking for. He just hoped he could find it with out Justin. He had felt so
much stronger when he was around. Now he felt small, weak, and, even worse,
alone.

January 13, 2000:

"JC, how ya been man," A deep voice boomed from behind him as he sat in the
3rd floor conference room. JC turned around and faked a smile.

"Lance, nice of you to finally come home to us. I felt so lost without
someone telling me to do every second." JC stood up and went to hug his
fellow bandmate.

"Ha ha ha. You are so funny. Is that what I missed this whole time? Your
humor?" Lance looked at him for a second. "Oh that's right." Lance said
overly dramatic. "No, it was your sarcasm." His face had turned dead
serious causing JC to burst out laughing. They both goofed around for a
couple of seconds until they settled until their seats. "So, I came early,
because I am always early. I needed to prepare and all. Why are you so
early?"  Lance questioned him because JC was always late. It was usually
Justin's fault, but the point was he was never on time. JC looked at him.

"I can be early. I just thought I would. prepare too." He wasn't fooling
anyone. He kept the act though, not knowing to tell Lance what was going
on, or even how to approach the subject. He wasn't about to say, `I am
waiting to see a man who has pretty much said he doesn't want to be with me
in any way.'

JC was taking Justin not calling hard. He had thought it would be easy to
get over, and for awhile, he had fooled himself into thinking it didn't
matter. And it wasn't that Justin didn't feel the same way, he had expected
it. He was still saddened by it, but he would get over it. It would take
time, but he would find another, hopefully. He had lost a lot more than a
love interest though. He had lost a best friend. He didn't know if he could
get that back again. And he desperately wanted to get back what he had. He
decided that he was stupid for telling Justin minutes after he told
him. And on New Year's Eve he had even told himself that he didn't even
want them together, just to be friends like before.  But he had talked to
Chris.

Chris had told him a couple of days ago, that Justin had come back to
Orlando on the first of the year. Chris was still wandering why JC had not
been called. All the guys were close, yes, but there was closeness even
within the group. Chris and Joey really clicked, Justin, JC, and Lance were
close, but Lance usually took control of things, so that left JC and
Justin. They had been close before, and being segregated like that brought
them closer. Chris was worried. JC played dumb, but knew why Justin didn't
call him. He tried to sound careless and as much in the dark, but Chris was
too smart for that.

"You know, don't take it personal man. Justin is going through something
really serious."  Chris had told him when they met for lunch.

"What do you mean?" JC had been concerned with his friend when he didn't
call; hearing he was back was a relief. He had too make sure he was OK
now. That he wasn't hurting like he was. But why would he? He is the one
who didn't call.

"Well, he called me up at like 2 o'clock in the morning, Jan. 1 and told me
he was coming in that after noon. He asked if I could pick him up. It was
obvious he was running from something. I didn't press it too much, it being
so early, and I was dead tired. I just agreed and went back to sleep. Then,
when I picked him up, he was so pale, like he hadn't slept or eaten in two
days. He was really silent too. He talked only when spoken too, and his
answers were short and not so sweet. He got real silent soon, and just
stared out the car window all the way home. I took him to my place, he
didn't want to go home, and he said he had just gotten out of a hotel in
SF." JC's attention was caught.

"Wait, Justin told me he was going to LA. I saw the tickets in his room
before I left. I was just walking out after I had." JC stopped when he
realized he was going to start rationalizing what he had just done with
Justin.

"Yeah, he said he went to LA, but ended up driving to SF." JC was hurt he
knew nothing about this. He didn't like not being the one everyone ran to
to find out about Justin. "Like I said, don't take it personal. Something
happened. It's not you." That was no comfort for JC. Even if Justin hadn't
been through whatever it was, he still wouldn't be running to JC. JC didn't
know if he would ever run to him again.


"You know, we really need to get up." A voice said sighing. He was talking
to the person who lay their head on his chest.

"Do we have to? I am rather comfortable right here." The voice coming from
his chest had a hint of sadness hidden in the joke. It knew that he would
have to get up.

"We can't be late. We both have stuff to do today." The man still had not
moved, despite his objections to do so. He had to admit he was comfortable
too.

"We really need to talk before we go though." The head resting on the man's
chest got up and looked him in the eye. "It's kinda important." They both
nodded as they adjusted themselves to talk.

"What is it you want to." the man knew to shut up as he saw a hand wave him
to stop.

"I love you. I have for a long time. And we have been together for almost a
year. " The man smiled as the voice mentioned how long they had been
together. Mentioned how long they had found what they were looking
for. "But we have been together in secret.  Nobody knows about us. And I
understood it at the beginning, we weren't sure this would last. We weren't
sure we would last. But we have. And we have done a pretty good job of it
if you ask me." The man lay there, knowing where this was going. The topic
had only been brought up one other time, but he knew it was due to
resurface. He just didn't know what to say about it. "I don't wanna hide
anymore Kevin. I love you. I wanna be with you. In every way. And that
means EVERY way. And I am not saying that everyone needs to know. Because I
not that shouldn't happen more than you do. But, I think it can be more
than just between you and me. I hate this sneaking from one room to the
other. Leaving before the sun comes up, or not being able to kiss you
around anyone.  I can't do it. I think we should say something. What do you
think?" The voice no longer held the strength it had when it started. It
was now low, and nervous. If Kevin hadn't been right next to it, he might
have missed what was said. But he didn't. He heard everything. All he had
to do now was respond. "Kevin, what. what do you think?"

Kevin sighed. He was in love. There was no doubt in his mind. He didn't
understand it, and didn't try to. He stopped trying to rationalize his
personal life a long time ago. It was getting too hard. He just aloud
himself to feel what he felt, and he wound up where he was. And he couldn't
say he was disappointed. He was happy where he was. "Alex, I don't know. I
mean, what is wrong with what we have? For just a little longer any ways?
It's too hard right now. We are going to start a tour in two weeks. We have
a meeting about it today. I really don't think it is the time to bring up
our relationship." AJ looked at him. He was so calm about it. "Don't you
agree?" Kevin knew he didn't. But things would be OK if he just kept things
like they were for a little while longer. Until he had time to figure out
what to say.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." AJ got out of the bed and started towards the
bathroom. As soon as he got the door shut his back was sliding down
it. Kevin had been to smooth about things. Why wouldn't he want to tell the
guys? It had been almost a year. One more month and they would have made
it. `We would have.' AJ thought to himself. It wasn't long before he
decided to do what he didn't want to, but what he had to do. He walked out
fully dressed. Kevin looked up from some papers to look at AJ.

"Don't we look nice for a dull meeting?" Kevin hopped out of bed and went
to kiss AJ.  He knew something was wrong though, when AJ pulled away. AJ
always liked the kissing part. He was one of the `It's in his kiss'
people. He believed that a kiss said a lot.  To him anyway. "What's wrong?"
Kevin asked as he put his arms around AJ's waist.

AJ shrugged. "I dunno." Kevin started to kiss his chin when AJ pulled away
again.  "Wait, I do. There is something wrong, and it is you. It is us. I
can't do this anymore. On that bed, I was trying to tell you, we need to
tell our friends, or we need to. we don't need to be together." AJ's eyes
were welling up. But he had decided he couldn't hide his feelings for
Kevin. He didn't want to. And the real test for Kevin was if he wanted to
hide it all away or not. AJ just prayed he didn't fell.

"Is that like a treat?" Kevin asked walking away from AJ. AJ shook his
head.

"Kevin, I love you. We don't threaten the one we love. We want to be with
the ones that we love, we want everyone to know that we are in love. That
is all I am asking. Is that really too much?" AJ had been angered a bit by
Kevin's hesitation.

Kevin turned and walked back to AJ. "You know how difficult it was for us
first to get together. But when we did we were happy, just like this. We
hide it from everybody, because we had each other and that was all we
needed. Has that changed? Telling everyone will just add more crap that we
will have to deal with. We are already dealing with another tour and with
Brian's incessant problems with his music and his life, Nick and Mandy are
already getting crap.. It will just be harder than it is now. I really
don't think we should change anything. I love you, and I want to be with
you. The only question that needs to be asked here, is do you feel the same
for me?" Kevin looked down at the ground. Kevin and AJ had had only one
fight since they had gotten together. It was small, and ended up being
nothing to even fight about. But even so, after that they promised never to
fight again. They were truly in love and they didn't want anything to ruin
that. But now, this didn't just seem like a fight, it seemed like.

"Goodbye Kevin." AJ said between tears as he opened his one drawer of the
dresser and shoved it into a bag.

Kevin looked stunned. That was what he had expected. He should have. AJ had
been wanting to tell since they got together, but he had held out. Asking
him to hold out forever was never the plan, but it seemed to even him, that
that is what they had been doing. "What do you mean, goodbye?" Kevin barely
uttered the words. Thinking of life without AJ was something he had thought
about for a year. They had grown so close so in love. This wasn't what
either of them wanted, yet Kevin just stood there, and AJ kept packing.

"Tell me, why? Why can't we tell them? Why can't that know? And you have to
tell me he truth. Don't lie. I know when you're lying, and I know the
truth. So be honest."

Kevin had never heard AJ be so. blunt. AJ wanted everyone to like him, not
hiding who he was to get it, but like him for being who he was. Kevin
should have thought about that before the relationship started. He could
see that now. AJ never hid who he was, and for him to hide this for a year
now, Kevin was suddenly amazed. But he still couldn't let them know. And he
couldn't keep AJ caged up any longer. And that is what he felt. As if he
was holding AJ back, and he loved him too much for that. The only that hurt
more than this little trip to reality, was the reality with out AJ, that he
would have to deal. He looked at AJ, dead in the eyes, before turning
around and walking away. He would never let AJ see him cry. He couldn't
start now.

Orlando. Brian couldn't say he was happy to be back. He had spent the last
13 days as he had suspected, alone. He thought he could find what he was
looking for, after Justin had left, but he only found despair. The early
morning fight, that had ended something so quickly, replayed in Brian's
mind. That was all he could think about. It tore him up inside the whole
two weeks he had time alone.  Now it was time. The tour was starting and
Justin would be there. Brian still found himself feeling the way he had
felt when he left NY, but he still was going back. He was going back to
everything he had tried to escape.  The only reason he could think of was
Justin. He stopped looking for everything he thought he was missing when
they met. He didn't even think that Justin was what he was looking for
until he had lost him, and was alone yet again. He came back for the
meeting, at least that was a good reason, but he had to see Justin. He had
spent the last couple of days trying to see what he could do to fix what he
had done. He still hadn't come up with anything.

"AJ, hey man." Brian snapped out of things when he saw someone reaching for
the door.  "Bone? Hey?" AJ quickly snapped out of things also.

"Rok! Hey." AJ pulled Brian into a hug. He was happy to see him. He was
worried about him, like the others, but he knew some of what was
bothering. Kevin had let him in on what he knew, which was more than what
the others knew to say the very least. They released both smiling.

"I was kinda worried about ya. You were kinda zoned out. You OK?"

"Yeah. I. just have a lot on my mind. The thing is, are you OK? I was
really worried when you left." AJ started opening the door again, letting
Brian in first.

"Yeah, I just had a lot on my mind too. Guess we have a lot in common."
They both smiled feeling a little more relaxed. They both had missed the
usual pattern of their lives.  Nothing good came from their freedom along
with their `loved ones' new and old.

They both wandered up to the third floor, getting ready for the briefing
for the tour. They both were doing a good job at hiding their
feelings. They both were also too wrapped up into their own feelings to
really take notice of the other anyway.

"Hey Lance, JC, Chris." Brian and AJ both said their hellos. Lance, JC,
Chris, Howie, and Kevin had already made it too the building, as well as
some of the management.  Everyone appeared to just be standing around,
waiting for the rest of the guys. Brian kinda wandered of own his own,
trying to make small talk with the suits, AJ wouldn't dare look towards
Kevin. He knew he would break down and cry, and run back to Kevin no matter
what he had to hide. But that wasn't the person he wanted to be. And for
Kevin not to be with him, he felt Kevin wasn't the person he had wanted him
to be either.

Nick and Joey came in not long after Brian and AJ. "So, are we all ready?"
Jason, the manger of the tour, said getting everyone in their seats. He
looked around. "I am only counting nine. Who is missing?" he asked still
becoming acquainted with the bands. The guys looked around.

"Justin still isn't here." Brian and JC looked down at the table as they
heard the all familiar name. Jason sighed.

"We'll give him five more minutes, and then we start with or without him."
Everyone remained seated, but turned to continue their conversations. Brian
got up and walked out, going to get something to drink. He couldn't take
the room any longer. He went to the soda machines and got some
Dr. Pepper. Not long after the first drink, he found himself with a
visitor. It was JC. He looked him up and down. He didn't seem in a mood
much different than Brian, so he took that as a sign that Justin didn't go
running to him. He was somewhat relieved. Justin said he would be waiting
when he got back, but Brian's mind only saw Justin running to JC for
awhile.

"Hey man." JC said as he stood next to Brian. Brian nodded in
acknowledgement. They stood in awkwardness.

"So, how did you enjoy the New Year's?" JC asked trying to make small
talk. Brian thought he was going to break down right there. He really
didn't know how he would handle Justin if he couldn't even handle JC's
question. He kept himself together though.

"Actually up until 3AM it was the greatest." Brian was very monotonous. He
shared no emotion in his moments or voice.

"What happened?" JC not taking the subtle hints, that Brian was giving. He
was not in the mood to talk.

Then the voice came from behind them. The voice they both knew all so well,
and a voice they had both longed to hear, as much as they feared it. They
turned to see the figure they had both fallen heavily for, and a figure
that had left them both behind.

"Hey guys." Justin said simply walking past the guys and going towards the
door. "You better hurray. I am sure I am the last, and we are already 7
minutes late." Justin walked in the room, the door shutting behind
him. They both stood in awe. What had just pasted them was not someone that
either recognized. He appeared cold, and distant. JC had managed to look
him over before he disappeared behind the door. He took Chris words in as
he watched the young boy's movement. `He looked so pale, like he hadn't
eaten or slept in two days.' JC could see it. It appeared that Chris hadn't
been helping Justin too much. He still looked pale, and the bags developing
under his eyes told his sleeping habits. JC looked and Brian, who was
shaking his head, mostly in shame and they both went back to the
meeting. To people whom had changed as much as they thought they had.

"Now that we have you all joining us at one time, we can begin. We are only
going over the dates and main setup this meeting, so it shouldn't take more
than three hours.  Everything here has already been decided. No
exceptions. We think that you will be pleased though with what we have
done." Jason started out a long, drawn out lecture, outlining every aspect
of the actually venues. "Brittany, Mandy, and EYC will open first.  Then we
will have a break, and `Nsync will come out and do the show. Then we will
get Aaron Carter, Blaque, and Innosense to come out before the BSB." AJ's
head snapped.

"Wait, Innosense is coming with us? I thought that they were not on the
bill? I was told that." AJ was getting a little excited. He hadn't see
Amanda and so long and missed her greatly. He could never repay Amanda for
everything she had done for him. Especially what she had done for him and
Kevin. She had been his best friend through it. Kevin never knew that AJ
had told Amanda, and he would never find out. Not now, more than ever. The
only problem he saw was everyone thought of Amanda and him as a couple.
And granted they were, that was a long time ago. She had excepted the fact
they had drifted, and she was really understanding about AJ. She was even
excited about AJ's involvement with Kevin. He hated dragging her through
the motions of love through the guys though. Even though they said they
were only friends, everyone suspected more.  And AJ never denied it. Kevin
had him up on the whole secrecy thing so much; he was willing to go that
far. But not anymore. He would just get to be with Amanda now, as best
friends.

"Well, plans changed. They got through with their studio work way ahead of
schedule.  We picked them up. Now, moving on." Jason continued on but AJ
stopped listening. He saw Kevin's gaze from the corner of his eyes. He knew
he couldn't look at him. They were both hurting too much. And he wasn't
sure if he was willing to give up things he stood for, even to be with the
one he had believe his soul mate.

Brian's eyes were shifting between Justin and JC. He looked at Justin,
starting to notice what JC already had, the paleness, and tiredness in his
face. He had seemed to age 20 years in that two weeks they had been
apart. He couldn't help but feel responsible. But did he really over react?
He couldn't answer himself anymore. He fought an argument with himself
debating it much like he and Justin had done that night.

JC's mind was focused on Justin mostly, but his gaze shifted with Justin's
to Brian. He had found Justin's eyes fall upon Brian quite often, only for
seconds at a time. He had also caught Justin looking at him but quickly
turning away when the gaze was returned.  Chris had been right. He was
running from some thing. That is why he wouldn't look at JC. JC could
always tell about Justin, his life, all through his eyes.

Justin hoped no one was looking at him. He knew he had run off, and there
were questions left unanswered, but he also knew his appearance. He had
dropped 10 pounds in a week, not able to eat anything, or at least keep it
down. His sleep was always interrupted by nightmares he couldn't stop, or
even remember after they had awoken him.

Tensions in the room, that some knew nothing about, and others didn't know
how far it extended, seemed to calm somewhat during the meeting. Both
groups gave their comments, disagreeing with Jason rarely. Around 5, the
suits were heading out, taken the news back to the opening acts or were
unable to make the meeting.

"Now, you all hop a flight in two days Berlin. That is where we are going
to start. You will setup and rehearse. We are hoping to get you guys to do
a song together or maybe you guys and all the acts. We are not sure
yet. After the run through in Berlin, we will make the final decisions. Is
that all right?" Jason asked collecting his papers. As soon as they all
nodded, he was on his way out the door. "C-ya guys later."

The ten young men sat around the table in silence. They all seemed distant
and not really knowing where to do next.

"Hey guys." Joey said breaking the silence that had formed. "Me and Nick
were talking on our way in, and we were thinking that maybe for the next
two days we should spend time together. We are going to be on tour for
awhile. I think each group is pretty close, we just need to work on
everyone getting that close. What do you say?" Joey's idea was a good
one. They would be together a long time. He got nods from everyone more or
less, taken a yes from the silent ones. They all agreed to meet at Chris
and Joey's house around 7 to find out what they would do. They all agreed
and got out as fast as they could. They were ready to leave.

"Hey Justin." Brian said when he and Justin were the only ones left in the
room. Justin turned around and looked at Brian nodding very slightly.

JC hung outside the door waiting for Justin to come out. He had to try and
patch up a friendship. That was the most important thing for him right
then. It meant more to him than wanting to be with Justin
romantically. Maybe they were meant to just be friends?

"AJ, do you need a ride home?" Kevin asked as he held the door leaving the
building open for AJ. AJ went through and nodded.

"Actually, I would like a ride to your house. I have some stuff to pick
up. If that's OK?"  Kevin nodded. He was hurt. He had meant home as his
house, as their house. AJ had practically moved in there whenever they were
in Orlando and had a chance to stay at their homes. Now it was just a place
he had some `stuff to pick up.' He shook his head of these thoughts as he
walked with AJ to his car, in silence.


TBC

*OK, I am really sorry this is so shirt and it took so long. Like I said, I
had to do a lot of changes. I had a lot of different ideas. Hoped you
enjoyed it. Let me know. Send comments and suggestions to
witeliteleo@aol.com. The following chapters won't take so long to get
out. I can pretty much be sure. ? C-ya!