Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 00:54:21 -0700 (PDT) From: Jay Chords <chords4@yahoo.com> Subject: Deceiving Secrets - 15 Hide-e Ho! hehe. I'm here with the next chapter. hehe. So...yeah! :) I hope you enjoy it! Disclaimer: and she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely, she's so high, like cleopatra, joan of arc, or aph-fro-dite.... I wanna do some quick thanks. THANK YOU TO : John (yes, gossip is a wonderful, wonderful thing), Neto, and Fred for editing this chapter for me *hugs and kisses to* You're the bestest-est. :0) I appreciate you guys putting up with my little quirks and ideas for the story. hehe. And one more thing. Check out 'ONE MORE TRY' by : Corrado (Grasshopper!!!) It's really good!! *nudges you* go! go go read it! it's good!! Screw my stuff, go read his! hehe. Some other stories to check out: Umm...whatever, My Surprise Romance, Brian and Me, A little bit of love, Puppy love and paper roses (this one is soo cute!), And Justin's Dark Angel (wonderfully wonderful) Okay, I think I'm done..Oh oh, no one more thing. Go here: http://virtue.nu/frustration Okay, now that WAS the last thing, I SWEAR 80) Don't forget to e-mail me and let me know what you thought of this chapter. :D :D chords4@yahoo.com Hope to hear from you and I hope you like the chapter. :) and the chapters yet to come. -Jay Chapter 15 Jeremy stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. He was trying to figure out if his last decision had just been a logical one. Spend the night with Howie. His hands were shaking as he stripped down to his boxers. Again, he stared at himself. Memories of the blood dripping over his fingers flooded his mind. He remembered violently slashing at the untouched flesh, hoping to find an answer. Hoping that with the scars some realization would occur. He sighed and pulled on his track pants. He was careful not to let his fingers touch the mangled skin. His body still hadn't recovered from the two week period of not eating. He stared at his shoulders. They had mostly scarred over but they stood out like the smile of the Mona Lisa. "Jay, babe, you okay?" Howie tapped on the door. Jeremy pulled his tee shirt over his head. He took a deep breathe and tried to bury down the emotions he had unwillingly uncovered. "I'll be right out," he called back. 'What am I gonna do?' he thought. 'Stay calm. If he doesn't see them or feel them, than your fine.' He took another deep breath and opened the door with a smile. Howie was leaning against the doorframe. He immediately covered Jeremy's lips with his own. Every thought that had been in his mind seconds before had vanished. "Ready for bed?" Howie asked, looking at his attire. "Yeah. I don't really like sleeping without something covering me." At least that part wasn't a complete lie. "Mind if I sleep in my boxers." "Not at all," Jeremy grinned and slipped in between the sheets of the bed as he watched his new lover slide out of his clothes. 'Howie has such a beautiful body.' He joined Jeremy in his bed. Jeremy propped himself up on his elbow. "Tell me about the relationship you mentioned this morning." Jeremy cringed. "I had hoped you forgot about that." "Nope, I don't often forget things." Jeremy sighed. "How much do you wanna know?" "Everything," he replied simply. "His name is Chad Westcott. Our mothers' were really close and we were born about 9 months apart. We had this joke that his parents screwed the night I was born, to bring them good luck, or something. Anyway, we'd been friends since we were little little kids, about one and a half probably. We did everything together and I mean everything. We were inseparable. One summer, I think we were about 7, we insisted on sleeping over at each other's house every night. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday we slept at his house. Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday we slept at my house. Anyway, that's not important." "It's cute though," Howie interjected. "I suppose." "Keep going." "He saw me through everything. I would've done the same for him to, except he never needed me in the way I needed him. He gave his support expecting nothing in return. When my dad left when I was four he helped me through it." "You're dad left you?" "Yeah." The memory no longer made him cry. It hadn't since he was 6. "I knew he wasn't coming back when he left. I knew it was forever." "I'm sorry," Howie whispered. Jeremy shrugged. "Don't be." "Keep going." "When we were in school, we were always placed in the same class. I'm glad for that because if they had separated us, God knows what havoc we would have caused. Right before Chad's 16th birthday, I got a call, about 11: 30 at night. It was Chad, begging me to meet him in our spot. There was a half an acre of forest that separated our two estates. And there was a stream that ran through the middle, that was our meeting spot. Our spot. So I rushed out to him." "What happened?" Jeremy placed his fingers over Howie's lips. "Stop asking so many questions, hon." Howie blushed. "Sorry." "Anyway, Chad had been withdrawing himself from me for the past few months. It was scaring the fuck out of me, but we always confided everything in each other. So I ran as fast as I could to our spot and there he was, sobbing. To make a long story short, he came out to me. And told me that he was in love with me. We kissed and we were together for a year before we came out to our parents. My mom basically shunned me and his mother and father embraced him and supported him. When he told me that, I almost punched him." "Why?" "Because he had both his parents and they were supporting him, I had one parent and she was furious with me." "That doesn't really seem like a reason." "There isn't a reason for anything." "Go on." Jeremy sighed. "So, I basically lived with him the rest of the year, I told her the winter after I turned 17, I was graduating that spring so I just stayed at Chad's house. I moved all my things into their extra bedroom. Although, I didn't stay in my room very often," Jeremy giggled at the memories he and Chad had. "So anyway, once again, to make a long story short, we went to the same College, we were room mates, and everything was peachy keen until I turned 20." "What happened when you turned 20?" "My mom was diagnosed with cancer of the brain. She had a large tumor growing rapidly on the left side of her brain. We hadn't spoken to each other since I came out to her. I found out from my grandmother. I was going to college in Seattle and she was living in Detroit at the time. I flew to Detroit and stayed with her in her hospital room for the last three months." "All three months?" "I never left that room. We never spoke to each other. I know that she appreciated me being there, she was just too stubborn to express it at the time. I would bath in the tiny bathroom in the room and grandma would bring me fresh clothes every day. The night she died she told me what I had been waiting to hear all my life. She told me that she was sorry for treating me the way she did and told me how, how proud of me she was. She closed her eyes and died right after." Howie pulled Jeremy close to him and kissed the top of his head. "You don't have to go on if you don't want to." "I'd rather get it over tonight and not have to have another night like this, later." "Okay." "So, mom died. I flew back to Seattle and somehow, I'm not sure how, made it through the rest of my college career. When we were 24, Chad started drinking. At first, just with buddies, then it got real bad. He would come home drunk off his ass." "D-did he ever." "Hit me? Nope. Never. We moved to Ohio when we were 26. 3 months before he left me." "He left you? For who? Why?" "I'll get to that part. On my 26th birthday, he got me a blown up picture of the Rolling Stones cover. One night, 3 months after that, he said to me 'I'll be right back.' And he left. I went to check my mail on my computer and I saw an open document in my word file. He basically said 'I've fallen in love with someone else. I'm leaving you.'." "Who did he leave you for? Did he say?" "Noelle. No last name, just a girl named Noelle." "A women? He left you for a women?" Jeremy nodded. "That's harsh." "Tell me about it. I was a mess for a week, then Mica got tickets to your concert and the rest is history." "Wow. Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What happened during the period when you were 20-24?" "Not much happened. We got our bachelors degrees and I asked Chad to marry me when we were 22." "So you were engaged?" Jeremy shook his head. "Oh no. Chad didn't want that. He didn't want to get married and he didn't want kids. I wanted both of those, badly. But, I loved him and if he didn't want to get married and have kids, I wasn't going to push him." "Do you still love him?" "Honestly?" Howie nodded. "Yes. I do. He was my best friend for 26 years and my lover for 10 of those years. You don't get over it that easily." "But, he left you for a women." "And Kevin was engaged to AJ. AJ is always gonna love Kevin somewhere in his heart." "True," Howie sighed. "I wish you hadn't been hurt so much." 'You don't even know the half of it,' he said in his head. 'You don't even know the half of it.' "These things happen. I can't do anything to change that past. What's done is done. I mean, sure, there's a part of me that deathly hates him. Hates him to a passion. He ruined my life but if he hadn't, then I wouldn't be lying here with you right now." "You mean, because you would've been with him?" "No, because Mica wouldn't have bought the tickets, Marcy wouldn't have made her take Daisy instead, they wouldn't have been in the car crash, I wouldn't have cu-, come to the hospital to meet Brian and Nick, I wouldn't have had a relationship with Kevin and I wouldn't have broken up him and AJ and I wouldn't have met you." "A lot has happened." "You're telling me. So, see, if he hadn't left me I wouldn't have gone through all that pain but I wouldn't have found you." "Do you regret him leaving?" "For awhile I thought it was my fault, you know? What could I have done? Did I do something wrong? But Mica helped me see that it wasn't me, at all. It was him. For awhile I did regret it, sometimes I still do. I remember what we had. It was nice and it was safe and it was familiar." "Do you regret getting together with me?" Jeremy stared up at Howie in disbelief. "Tell me you didn't just ask me that." "I'm just curious." Jeremy took Howie's face in his hands. "Never will I regret being with you. You make me happy, Howie. It's been a month since I was happy. I like being with you. I like you a lot. I don't know if I love you, yet but I do know that I want to make this, us, work." A grin spread across Howie's face and kissed Jeremy. "Me too." "Can I ask you something now?" "Absolutely." "Did you have any relationships before me?" "One." "Tell me." "Are you sure?" Jeremy nodded. Howie sighed. "His name was Curran. We knew each other for, oh, a week before we started sleeping together. He was adorable. About two years older than myself, a mop of brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes. Anyway, I was madly in love with him. This was about two years ago so the Backstreet Boys had been around. He was a smart ass just like you and almost perfect. Almost. He didn't drink, but he snorted coke." "Oh." "Yeah, and I tried to get him to quit but he wasn't one of those 'fun' highs. He got abusive and unfortunately for me, I was on the receiving end." "Oh my god," Jeremy held Howie close to him. "It wasn't anything to serious. Mostly a punch in the stomach or a smack across the face. At first. I was afraid to leave him because of the band. He could've gone to any newspaper and tell them that I was gay along with AJ and Kevin. They kept telling me to leave him but I wouldn't. One night, it was bad. I was basically knocked unconscious." "You should've left him." "The next night, he shot himself during one of his highs." "Oh my god." "Right in front of me. He landed and died in my arms." "I'm sorry." "Don't be. I'm not, not anymore." The two lay in silence. Embracing each other, reveling in what was just confessed. 'I want to tell you everything' Jeremy thought. 'I want to tell you about it all so bad. You'll try and send me to some clinic though. I know it.' "Honey?" "Yes Dear." "Do you regret dating him?" Howie thought for a second. "No." "Why not?" "He's the one who confirmed that I was gay. If he hadn't, I might not be here with you. If I had known that I would be with you as a result I would gladly go through it again." "All that pain and misery for me?" "Yes." Jeremy snuggled closer to him. "Thank you." "For what?" "Going out with him and putting up with all his shit. I wish you hadn't had to get hurt though." "Just like you said, we can't change the past." "I'm a smart one, huh?" "Yeah, yeah you are." 'He's right you know,' he thought. 'What?' 'What Howie said.' 'What about it?' 'That you're smart.' 'How's this for scary. I'm complimenting myself.' 'Shut up you moron.' 'You started it.' 'I said shut up.' 'Why don't you make me.' 'People would think you were crazy if they knew what went on in this head of yours.' 'Tell me about it.' Jeremy tried not to laugh. He would always amuse himself with little fights in his head. Jeremy vs. Jay. It always got interesting. His mind shifted back to what Howie had told him. They had both confessed what barely any other human being knew. He felt Howie's arm encircle his waist, as his fingers explored his stomach. 'Is there anything on my chest?' he panicked. 'No, no, there's nothing to hide on my chest. My chest is fine.' He sighed and let Howie's fingers wander. He couldn't keep living in a constant panic. 'You'll have to tell him sometime.' 'I thought I told you to shut up.' He felt Howie's even breath against his neck. He peered up and saw his eyes closed. "Howie?" he whispered. He didn't move. His love was asleep. So many things to think about. He needed to tell him. He knew that. He didn't know how though. He didn't know how Howie would react. What if he left him, too? 'Oh god.' The thought made him shiver and cower closer to Howie's sleeping form. He made sure Howie was asleep before sliding out from under his arms and kneeling next to the bed. He clasped his hands together and bent his head. "Hey God," he whispered. "It's Jeremy. Yeah, never thought you'd hear from me again, huh? I gotta hand it to you, God. You surprised me again. I gotta say, Thanks, for bringing me Howie. He's a really great guy. Well, I know you know that already. What am I gonna do, God? I want to tell him I really do but I'm scared. What is he going to think of me? This is so hard, God. Let me know if you've got any suggestions, I'm open for anything right now. I guess I'll let you go. I'm sure there's someone out there who needs your answering machine more than me. But I'm worried at that Lisa girl that Nick is dating. She doesn't seem quite right and she is kind of spooking me out. Anyway, I'll let you go, God. Take care. Oh, and look after Daisy and Marcy would you? Thanks. Later." He sighed and slid back under that blankets and back into Howie's grasp. "Jay?" "Yeah?" "Where'd you go?" "Just had to use the bathroom. Go back to sleep, dear." "Night." "Night." "I love you." Jeremy didn't respond. Lucky for him, Howie had already fallen asleep. Aw. Lemme know what you think : ) *bats eyelashes* You know you wanna : chords4@yahoo.com thanks for reading!! -Jay