Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 17:08:13 +0000
From: Angel1313@att.net
Subject: Devotion ch. 5

Devotion
Chapter Five:
Feeling Around in the Dark

disclaimer: *NSYNC may or may not be gay. Hell, I'm not even saying that
they all are in my *fictional* story. It's up to you to decide what you
think, though. Feel free to send me feedback! I'd really appreciate it!
-Angel1313 ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Five:
Feeling Around in the Dark

	"You know," JC said, turning towards Justin, who was bouncing up
and down lightly on his new bed. "We never did decided what to do tonight."
	Justin stopped bouncing and sat down on the bed. "Well, what do you
feel like doing?" He asked his friend, glancing at the older man. JC smiled
and walked over to sit next to the young blonde.
	"I think we should go clubbing with Joey," Chris ventured.
	/Leave,/ Justin mentally commanded the oldest member of *NSYNC.
	"I don't know," JC began uneasily.
	Justin immediately turned to face the older man, concern plainly
written across his features. "Something bothering you, Josh?"
	JC turned away from Justin's caring gaze. Looking into his
beautiful blue eyes only made it more difficult for the older man. "Oh, um,
no. I just, well, sort of had something else in mind."
	Justin was all ears. "What?"
	JC blushed. "Nothing. I'd just rather stay in and watch a movie
with you, um, and everyone."
	Justin's disappointment was plainly written across his face. /I
wish he hadn't added "and everyone,"/ he thought sadly to himself.
	JC took his disappointment to mean that the younger man had wanted
to go clubbing, so he laughed lightly and nervously placed a hand behind
his head. "Oh, yeah, but you're legal now, Just," he said, trying to sound
happy. "You probably want to go clubbing with everyone."
	"No, I just-" the nineteen year-old began, but JC interrupted him.
	"No, it's fine." The brunette then turned to Chris. "Clubbing it
is! You gonna talk to Joey and Lance?"
	"Yeah, I'm gonna head over there before I go back to my palace,"
Chris responded with a laugh. Turning to Justin, he added, "I can't believe
you gave up that place to have your space cramped by Mr. Spaz over there!"
	"Hey!" JC protested, laughing.
	Justin simply smiled shyly. "He's more then worth it," he said
quietly. JC smiled affectionately and squeezed the younger man's hand in
appreciation.
	"Whatever," Chris laughed, rolling his eyes. "Well, I think I'll
leave you two lovebirds alone. I'll have Lance call you or something, once
we figure out what's going on."
	Ignoring the "lovebirds" comment, JC replied, "Okay, cool. See ya
later."
	"Bye Chris!" Justin called out as Chris closed the door, leaving
Justin alone with JC. "So," he said, turning to the handsome
brunette. "What do you want to do until then?"
	"Well," JC began, laying back on the bed.
	"Oh, don't you even *think* of going to sleep on me, Josh!" Justin
whined, playfully punching JC on the arm.
	Rolling on his side and propping himself on his elbow, JC replied,
"Actually, I was planning on sleeping *next* to you, not *on* you."
	Justin began to blush furiously. "Th-th-that's not what I meant!"
He sputtered, turning away from the teasing eyes of his best friend.
	JC laughed. "I know, Curly. I'm just playin' with ya." Seeing that
Justin still hadn't relaxed, the older man gently reached an arm across the
blonde's stomach and pulled him down onto the bed beside him. "Just," he
whispered, soothingly running his hand along the middle of the younger
man's chest and abdomen, "You know I was just teasing you, right? I'm not
implying anything about your sexuality. I'm not going to `drag you down' or
anything, okay? You can relax around me, all right? I'm not going to be all
over you or anything." In the back of JC's mind he noted that it was ironic
that his hand was rubbing up and down Justin's torso as he said that, but
he dismissed the thought immediately. Physical contact was always how he
comforted Justin. It was second nature to him.
	Justin sat up, sliding JC's hand into his lap. It was quickly
removed, and a faint blush graced the older man's cheeks, but Justin didn't
notice.
	"Just-" JC began, but Justin raised his hand, silencing him.
	"No. Let me speak," Justin interrupted. JC was quiet. "Listen,
Josh, I think I have to explain something to you, because apparently I
wasn't clear enough earlier when I yelled at Joey." He paused and took a
deep breath. JC remained silent. "There is no way that you could `drag me
down' because I don't believe that you are below me. In fact, sometimes I
think that you're so far *above* me that I'll never be able to reach you,"
Justin's voice caught, so he took another deep breath. JC opened his mouth
to say something, but thought better of it and closed it again. "Regardless
of my personal feelings towards you, regardless of how much I care about
you and what you do, there's no way that you could affect my sexuality. I
already know what I am, and there's nothing that you can do about it,"
Justin finally finished.
	JC was crushed. Justin had just plainly told him that there could
never be anything between the two of them. He had said it himself: no
matter how much JC loved him, he would never be gay. Justin wasn't
attracted to him in that way. JC felt like crying. He did cry.
	The tears came out quietly, sliding down his cheeks like the blood
JC was sure was seeping out of his broken heart. The tears that came deep
from JC's shattered soul went unnoticed by Justin, who was still sitting
up, his back to the older man. When he finally turned around, the sight
that met his eyes shocked him.
	"Josh!" he exclaimed, clearly alarmed. "Josh! What's wrong?"
	/I couldn't have caused this, could I?/ The blonde thought
frantically to himself.
	"I'm sorry," JC choked out, his angelic voice hoarse from the
tears. "I'm sorry for you to have to see me like this," he continued. "I
just...I think something inside of me broke."
	"Oh Josh," Justin breathed, taking the older man into his arms. "I
broke it, didn't I?"
	JC swallowed hard before answering. "It's not your fault. You
didn't mean to. You don't have a choice," he whispered back.
	Justin froze. It *was* his fault. He had broken JC. He had hurt the
only person that he never wanted to be even the littlest bit sad. Again. He
felt like dying; JC's pain became his, and more. Justin began to sob
quietly.
	Forgetting his own pain, JC quickly slid out of Justin's shaking
arms, and took the young man into his own waiting embrace. "Just? What's
wrong?"
	Justin gave up trying to be strong for JC and began to sob
uncontrollably into the older man's chest. "I'm so sorry, Josh, I really
am. I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I'm
so sorry," he trailed off, his crying preventing him from saying anything
more.
	"Shh," JC soothed, his own flow of tears slowed as he comforted his
friend. "It's okay, it's okay."
	The two best friends remained in the embrace until Justin's crying
finally ceased. JC then raised the blonde's face to meet his own. Gently
drying the last of Justin's tears with the hem of his shirt, he finally
broke the silence, "Just, you don't need to apologize. It's not your
fault. I'm sorry that I implied that it was. That's not what I meant at
all."
	Justin looked up at the older man, meeting the tender, loving gaze
that his deep blue eyes held. Justin's own red, puffy, eyes looked as if
they were going to spill over with tears once more. Just as JC pulled him
into another embrace, the phone rang.
	Cursing silently to himself, JC reluctantly let go of Justin and
made his way over to the phone. "If I wasn't positive that this is Lance,
I'd let it ring," he explained angrily, hoping Justin would understand.
	The younger man laughed lightly. "Yeah, and knowing him, if we
didn't answer it, he'd call hotel security to make sure we're all right."
	JC chuckled and picked up the phone. "Hello? Oh. Hi, Lance."
	Justin laughed at the monotone voice that JC used once he found out
it was Lance. "Real nice there, Josh," he called out to the brunette. JC
flashed him a smile before focusing on what Lance was saying once more.
	Justin walked over to the older man and slipped his arms around his
waist. Resting his chin on JC's shoulder he whispered, "I'm gonna go wash
my face, okay, Josh?"
	JC turned a bit so he could kiss Justin's cheek. Lifting the phone
away from his mouth he whispered back, "Sure, no problem Just."
	Justin took one more deep breath of JC's scent before walking over
to the bathroom. Gently splashing water onto his reddened face, the
nineteen year-old adamantly refused to think of what had just passed
between him and JC. He knew that if he began to think of JC crying because
of something that he had said, it'd set him off crying again. That was the
last thing that anyone needed right now. He had to be strong for JC. He
*had* to be.
	Justin sighed and splashed more water on his face before gently
drying himself off. He turned to see JC in the doorway, watching
him. Justin took a step back in surprise, then smiled at the older man.
	"Feeling better?" JC asked, gently placing a hand on Justin's
shoulder. Smiling, he added, "You *look* better."
	Justin laughed slightly. "Thanks."
	JC removed his hand from his friend's shoulder and exited the
bathroom. Justin followed behind. "So, what's up? What did Lance say?" He
asked, not really interested in the answer.
	"Well," JC began, glancing at his watch. "It's two now and we're
all getting together tonight to go clubbing at nine. We're on our own for
dinner, but Chris and Joey- and possibly Lance- are going out to dinner
around seven. We can go if we want to, but I was, um, hoping that we could
just hang out." JC paused a moment before hastily adding, "Oh, well, I
mean, you can do whatever you want, but I think I'm going to stay
here. Unless, of course, you want to go out with the other guys. Then I'll
probably go with you, but-"
	"Josh," Justin interupted with a smile. "You're babbling." JC
laughed, and Justin took his hand. Giving it a squeeze, he added, "I'd love
to spend the evening with you. We can order in and watch a movie or
something."
	JC smiled appreciatively and went to call Joey to tell him and the
others that he and Justin would be staying in tonight. Until they went
clubbing, of course.

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I hope you're enjoying yourself! Feel free to write me and tell me, and
thanks to those who did!!