Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 21:45:29 -0600 (MDT)
From: blackdove <blackdove@terra.com>
Subject: Re: Don't say you love me. Chapter 4

"Don't say you love" by Black dove

Note: This work doesn't imply anything about the sexuality of the band here
mentioned, this is just for fun.

Special thanks to: Yuli who is an incredible writer, if you haven't read
her story yet, go there immediately, it's called Busta; and to Collen
another excellent writer ( they make me feel unworthy, but I like to
humiliate myself, that's what I keep writting...I think:) anyways,
Colleen's story it's called Tears in the Dark, just magnificent. Another
special thanks to Giada, who had been very suportive and sweet with me,
thanks a lot!

One more thing, the songs here mentioned are not mine, there are from Bon
Jovi's, and if you're interest there are from the "These days" album.  It's
done, so here we go...


Chapter 4

"...I should have seen it when the roses died, should have seen the end of
summer in your eyes, I should have listen when you said goodnight, you
really meant goodbye..."

Lance


    I think I wasn't hearing at all, at some point I didn't care anymore, I
was feeling like in a dream... if only that was. JC was knelt before me, I
think he was saying something about us...or him...about Justin and him
maybe... I don't remember actually.

I stop hearing when he said that sometimes he felt me kind of distant and
even when he tried to help me I pushed him away...I felt hurt, but it was
true, in my desperation for not being hurt, I had push my JC aside...not
mine anymore, he wants to be with Justin now, and it's my fault. I know I
should be mad, but I can't, I love him so much, and I just want him to be
happy, and happiness is something I can't give it to him...

I have to make a choice between leave or stay in the group, with Justin and
JC as a couple...maybe it's not that bad, maybe I'll get over it, their my
friends after all, and I don't want to lose them...whatever it takes...

But right now I'm feeling lost, I know I lose something, a part of me had
died right here, my friends killed it, I had fought so bad to keep it alive
and I trust it to JC, I thought he will help me, that he may pick me up
...How could I been so blind? No one in this damn world helps anybody,
their not the exception...I should never have care about what they said,
that makes you weak... really? or it's just that I...so close, I was so
close...I was leaving everything behind me, the fear, the uncertainty, I
thought that no one would hurt me again, no one...not him...JC, please look
at me, tell me you love me, I won't care about anything else...just
don't...don't do this to me...please...love...

Joey

There's no way to stop the train now; the group is falling apart, with JC,
Justin and Lance's friendship. Lance is sitting in the couch, without
saying a word, I can't imagine what he's thinking now, he had build a very
strong relationship with JC, that no longer is there...I can't be mad with
any of them. I agree with JC, Lance sometimes pushed him away, however
Lance is too introverted, is that kind of person that build strong barriers
for anyone that want to hurt him, I just know one person that had passed
all those barriers: Chris.  He has a special bond with Lance, I don't know
where it came from, but they have it, I think that's what JC...we all are
missing, specially 'cause there's a reason of Lance's behavior. Lance has
always been quiet...but since that day, when that guy killed himself in
front of him, Lance changed a lot, he fell deep into an endless and painful
silence... his silence was hurting us and...killing him. We tried to help
him, but we didn't tried hard enough. However when JC told him that he love
...loved him, Lance got back something that he had lost a little while
ago...Looking at his eyes is to look at the pain. I know his holding back
the tears... that he had lost everything...again, and I can see the fear
returning to him.  Chris is too quiet right now, he must be very angry with
JC, however that doesn't stop him from being impartial though, Justin is
speaking now, but Lance seem not to hear anything of what they say, it's
because he's angry, it's maybe that the one who is falling apart is him,
I'm afraid that our friendship will never be the same... Lance it's no good
to keep your emotions for yourself, just let it go, man, Chris and I will
be always be here to pick you up when you fall...

JC

"My fault" he says softly, almost to himself, I hate doing this to him, and
right now I don't now what's going on anymore, I feel lost and confuse...

	He was sometimes distant and he didn't let me get closer to him,
then that night when we fought I was so pissed of that immediately I ran to
Justin side; we both got drunk, just enough to have sex... then I start to
think on Justin more often, but everytime I saw Lance I didn't want to
leave him... my world is turning upside down and here in front of me are
two of my best friends, both my lovers, and I'm just going to lose one...
"Maybe we need time," I said to him, but I'm sure he wasn't hearing just a
few moments ago, so I don't know if he's listening right now.  "Time?" It's
not a question, but he make it sound like he's not sure about it "There's
nothing else I can do" He's not talking to me anymore, I can't say he had
been doing it, Justin is looking at him, there's pain and guilt in his
eyes, he turn to look at me. Lance is in deep thoughts, and I feel Chris
staring at me, he's angry, I can sense it, he once told me not to hurt
Lance, this is going to change our friendship, if it isn't already
lost...and...Why do I feel this burn in my chest? Am I doing wrong?, Is
this really what I want to do?  I try to lift his head to look at him, but
he moves abruptly away from me, I'm losing him...  "Lance" I whisper
touching his arm, but he moves, again, away, he is afraid of something...or
someone...me? "You didn't let me help you, not when that guy killed himself
in front of you, nor when you woke up so scared from those
nightmares... I'm tired of feeling helpless, I wanted...I still want to
help you but I can't if you don't let me, I can't take this anymore, you
don't trust me, and that hurt me deep inside...maybe I'll help you more as
a friend instead as your lover" "How can you say that?! Maybe I'm not as
good as..."


Lance

"Maybe I'm not as good as..." Don't! , I don't want to hurt Justin, he
doesn't deserve it, what it's happening it's my fault, everything that had
happened to me is my damn fault. JC is right I always end pushing everyone
I love aside, Mark, Danielle and now JC, it's not fair to blame them, Why
am I being so selfish? I hurt JC, and I'm not only taking JC with me in
this pain, I'm taking Justin too.  For once in my whole life I'm going to
do something right, I won't screw it up this time, not this
one... even...if that means...  "Maybe you right" It's hard to talk, I just
can't get the words out of my throat, it's as if the words were drowning
me...in blood... "We need time" Liar... you need time, JC, I was fine, I
thought everything will be fine, now I'm gonna lose, and there's nothing
else I can do.  "Lance..." Is Justin, he sounds guilty, and he moves next
to my side. I don't want to look at him, I cannot stop this feelings of
anger and desolation, and I know that If I look at him I would see my
friend a friend that I already lost, and that would make me feel
ashamed... and guilty...  "You better make him happy, Randall, or you will
be in serious problems" ...I never call him Randall, that piss him off a
lot, I start to laugh softly with this thought.  ...But...I fail...I
lost...It's all my fault...it's just that...I..I...  ...I can't live
without you, and I can't face the fact that you're leaving me, right here,
right now...but I have to let you go...if I could turn back the time, I
would... no, I don't deserve you ...and I have to pay for it...I will miss
you, your eyes, your smile...that smile...that once was for me, that smile
that comfort me when I was scared and in pain... not anymore, I already
lost you...Can I live like this...without you? ...Alone?

Justin

	He gets up and slowly he moves to the balcony's door, and he walks
out. He isn't laughing anymore...I...I thinks he's crying...in silence.
"What the he..." I say, there's a storm outside, but JC is already going
after Lance, looking at him I wonder if he really loves me, or if he's just
hurt... Do I love him...? I'm not very sure of what's going on here, we
hurt Lance, that's the main thing right now, and I can't think at this
moment... I... we can wait...I don't wanna lost any of them though...


JC
	Wow Man! Is really cold outside, I need to get Lance back before he
gets sick, I look at him, and he's no longer laughing, he's sobbing now,
very softly, I had never seen him cry, and that shock me. I just stand
there watching his tears becaming one with the rain...as if the rain is
trying to comfort him, crying with him... he's suffering and because of me,
I feel the need of hold him thigh, feel his warm skin against mine, those
soft lips on mine and... Am I doing right? , I don't wanna lose him, but I
think I'm in love with Justin...Why Am I so confuse...?

I feel someone pass by my side, is Chris moving next to Lance, taking him
to the room, he's whispering something to Lance, but I can't hear anything
with the rain.  "Come in" He says to me and I move behind him.


Joey

	Chris sits Lance on the bed and he cover him with a blanket without
saying a word, that is worrying me, in any other case he would have talk to
everyone, but his concerned for Lance is much bigger than any of us right
now.

	Lance stops crying and he's looking at the floor, I can't see his
eyes, and I don't want to, Lance eyes can melt my heart so easily when he
tries to convince me of something, but they can also broke my heart with
the same facility...  "I'm sorry" He says, now this guy is more like our
Lance, always polite, if it wasn't for that shadow of pain hanging over
him... "I just need time to get over it"


Lance

	Maybe I just need to runaway from here, it's my fault, but even so
hurts me seeing them together.

	'You got to be strong, You need to get over it... for you' That's
what Chris said to me outside..."If you don't mind" I said leaning back on
the bed "I want to be alone for a while" "Lance..."Is Justin again, I'm
angry with him, and I know this is not his fault. I'm just so tired of
talking...of fighting back the tears, of hold on..., maybe it's my fault,
but he's still the one who steal JC away from me "Please" That's all I
whisper, even if they want I'm not talking anymore, I'm going to
sleep... to hide myself... I don't care if they wanna talk, I'm not going
to... I don't want to.

	I think they got the message, they all leave, all except Chris, who
moves next beside me.  "Are you gonna be alright?" I'm not going to let him
now that I don't know for sure, I don't want to worry him.  "No, but I give
a try... Damn, I'm so busted! Why cannot I lie to you?" He just smiles at
me, rubes my hair and then walk out the door.
	Before step out, he turns again "Fight Lance, give you your own
time, but don't stop fighting"
	Fight?...Is he trying to say...?  I don't wanna think anymore, I
don't think I can anyway, I want to sleep and music has always been a good
guide to me, it helps me to cool the things a bit or to sleep, I take the
remote control and turn on the stereo, luckily with the music I'll fall
asleep... if that were enough to forget everything...

Rumour has it that your daddy's coming down
He's gonna pay the rent
Tell me baby, is this as good as life is gonna get
It feels like there is a stranger standing in these shoes
But, I know I can't lose me, 'cause then I'd be losing you

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I ain't too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times we've been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me you'll be brave
'Cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee, babe I got something to say to you
I ain't got the winning ticket
Not the one that's gonna pull us through
No one said it'd be easy, let your old man take you home
But know if you walk out on me
Then darling, I'd be gone

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me
Baby - I can take it

It's a bitch, but life's a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
It's hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so let's hold on

If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if that's what's meant to be
Right now if you don't love me baby - lie to me, lie to me
Baby I can take it
C'mon lie to me.....


	By the time the song ended I was sitting in the floor, completely
lost in the tears, the wound is open, I don't want it to stop bleeding...I
need it to bleed to know I'm still alive...


Hope you like it, please send your comments.
blackdove@terra.com