Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 15:19:12 CST
From: Phantom Writer <phantomwriter73@hotmail.com>
Subject: Dream_of_a_Guardian_Angel_2

"Dream of a Guardian Angel: After the Dream"
By: Phantom Writer

Special Note: After several requests, I decided to continue "Dream of a
Guardian Angel," only not in a dream.  The installments will be shorter, but
the story will still be emotive and entertaining.  This series will,
however, come to an end.  In my humble opinion, knowing when the story is
finished is the key to effective story writing.  This story WILL end, just
not today.

Legal Stuff: This material is not meant to be read by anyone under 18.  If
you're offended by literature with homosexual themes, step off!  If not,
read on.  This is a work of fiction.  Therefore, the author makes no claims
as to the sexual orientation of any member of *N Sync.  I have permission to
incorporate facts from the life of my friend and neighbor in the form of the
main character, Jase.

Side Note: First, for those wanting to just read about *N Sync, let me warn
you that installment further develops Jase's character before he meets up
with *N Sync.  Please read "Dream of a Guardian Angel" before continuing any
further as it lays the foundation for this installment.  As always, for
anyone who would like to send comments or suggestions, please do so.
(phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)

Special Thanks: Thank you to everyone who sent such positive feedback to
"Dream of a Guardian Angel."  I'm speechless with gratitude.

Now, without further ado...

(Previously...from "Dream of a Guardian Angel.")

"And just let me say this.  If I hadn't seen Justin last night, I would have
never come to terms with being gay and the tragedy of my family's death.  If
I hadn't met you five guys, I probably would have never felt happiness or
joy again.  In my book, you five are my guardian angels."  I allowed my
tears to slowly fall down my cheeks.  I had never felt as content and happy
in a very long time.  I couldn't imagine my life without JC, Justin, Lance,
Chris and Joey.

*	*	*

That afternoon, the guys left my apartment and returned to their hotel.
Later, I stopped by to say 'thanks' and wish them success, since they were
scheduled to fly to Orlando that evening.  To my surprise, when I arrived, I
was greeted by a representative of Jive Records and was offered a recording
contract with special guest artists by the name of *N Sync scheduled to
perform on my first release.  I was in shock.  I knew Jive wouldn't sign me
without having heard me sing.  That's when I heard myself singing.  I turned
around to see Lance smiling as he held a mini-cassette recorder up playing
the song I had sung to JC this morning.  I just shook my head, grabbed a
pen, signed my name...and then I woke up.

And now, "After the Dream."

I woke from my dream with a smile, something I hadn't done in a while.  My
dream had been so vivid, not the norm for me.  Unfortunately, I remembered
what was, and, what wasn't a dream.  I sighed heavily, trying to prevent the
tears I knew were inevitable.  It had been just over a week since I had come
out and then suffered the tragic lost of my immediate family.  My mind began
to race as the emotions once again overtook me.  'Why? Why? WHY?  What have
I done that's so damn terrible that God would make me suffer like this?
Please, someone, anyone, explain this to me!'  I wept quietly until no more
tears were left.

I realized I only had 30 minutes to get ready for work.  This would be my
first day back at the office.  Luckily, the company I work for offers a paid
week of leave when a member of your immediate family dies.  The intent for
this week is to allow you to make the appropriate funeral arrangements and
give you time to grieve before returning to work.  But in my case, I had
been forbidden to even attend my family's funeral.  So, I spent the week
locked up in my apartment trying to come to terms with the whole ordeal.
Needless to say, it hadn't worked.  I was more of a wreck now than when I
first learned of my tragic loss.  No matter how bad it hurt when my family
dismissed me and turned away from me, I still couldn't help but wonder if
they would have forgiven me had they been given the chance.  Now, I would
never know.

In a zombie-like state, I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it
and allowed the heat to penetrate my body.  I cleared my mind and psyched
myself out for the upcoming day at the office.  I kept telling myself 'Stay
true to who you are and everything will be O.K.' Little did I know what the
day held for me.

I don't care what anyone says, Mondays SUCK.  From the moment I walked into
the office, I felt like I was in a whirling dervish.  Luckily, around noon,
I could finally go to my office and do some real work.  I started typing a
memo regarding the project procedures I had been revising for 'Legal.'
That's when my day turned into something between an unanswered prayer and my
worst nightmare.

"Jason, can I see you in my office for a moment?"

"Sure, I'll be right there." I looked up at the door where my boss had once
been, but she had already left.  Leslie was really a great boss.  She had
been so concerned when my family died that she offered to send me on a two
week personal leave with pay.  That would be in addition to the week I was
entitled to due to my family's death.  I turned it down like a dumb ass.

I walked into Leslie's office and closed the door.  I sat down across from
her and looked at her blankly.

"Jason, I think we need to talk."

"What about?"  I knew the answer, but I wanted Leslie to spell it out.

"Jason...Jase.  You don't mind if I call you that do you?"

"Of course not, all my friends do..." I couldn't help but get teary-eyed as
I realized she was the closest friend I had left.

"Jase, I received a call from the lawyers settling your family's estate.
Evidently, one of your aunts gave them my number as a means of contacting
you.  Jase, I don't understand.  Why didn't the lawyers talk to you when you
went to the funeral?"

I was in shock.  Talk about a fuckin' Monday!  I couldn't imagine anything
worse than what I was facing right then.  I came to Leslie's office thinking
she was going to try to talk me into taking the two weeks off I had turned
down.  That, I could handle.

"I...I don't know...I just..." The tears began to fall.  I wasn't prepared
to answer such questions, and yet I knew I couldn't avoid them any longer.
I looked at the floor, not knowing what to say next.

"Oh, Jason.  Why didn't you tell me what was going on.  The lawyers told me
that your extended family had not permitted you to go to the funeral.  Is it
for the reason I think it is?"

My head snapped up and looked directly into Leslie's eyes.  Surely she
didn't know.  I mean, there was no way she could know.  Or could she?

"W...what reason?" I knew she could see the fear in my eyes.

"Is it...please don't take this the wrong way if you're not.  But are you
gay?  I mean, you are under no obligation to tell me this, and it will in no
way have any effect on your job.  I'm asking you as a friend." I sensed
Leslie was concerned that she had overstepped her authority and was in some
way trying to back-peddle out of her predicament.

"How did you know?  I've known you less than two years, and the family I had
my whole life didn't know.  How?  Most people would say I'm straight as a
board, but now I haven't got the foggiest idea what anyone really thinks
about me anymore."  My little speech caught Leslie off guard.  She stared at
me for several moments before she answered.

"Well, I just sort of knew.  Don't ask me how, I just knew.  But, now that I
know you are, can you please tell me what happened week before last?  I
really think you need to talk about this."

I couldn't believe I was about to tell Leslie about my life.  We were
friends, but not really close, for business reasons.  But for some reason, I
felt I owed her the truth.  I told Leslie the whole story, from childhood up
to and including coming out to my family.  I couldn't continue with the part
about my family's death until I had regained control of my emotions, if that
is even possible.

"Leslie, after I returned to Dallas, my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law,
and my two nieces were...were killed in a terrible traffic accident on the
way to San Antonio.  I can't keep thinking how I will never know if they
could forgive me for being gay.  I can't help but feel guilty that I...that
I caused the accident.  My parents would have never gone to my brother's
place that weekend if I had just left well enough alone and let them
continue thinking I was just enjoying the bachelor's life too much to get
married.  IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!"  As I finally looked up to meet Leslie's
gaze, I soon realized that I had not been the only one crying.

I looked at Leslie and suddenly fell out laughing.  Her mascara had run, and
as she had wiped away the tears, she had given herself the "I'm a raccoon"
look.  I laughed until I cried, but this time with tears of joy.  Leslie
looked at me with shock at my sudden change of emotions.  I was so tickled,
all I could do was hand her the mirror hanging on her office wall.  Soon,
both of us were laughing uncontrollably.

"Well, at least I made you laugh!"  Leslie said fishing a tissue and makeup
from her purse to repair the damage.

"I guess you were right.  I really needed someone to talk to."

"I'm ALWAYS right.  That's why I'm the BOSS."  Leslie couldn't keep from
giggling at the reference to an inside joke we had shared for several
months. (Both Leslie and I had gone to a training seminar on group dynamics
and team building.  Part of the training session was a skit demonstrating
what NOT to do.  Leslie could never get over the 'I'm ALWAYS right...' part
of the skit and loved to throw it at me when I needed a good laugh.  It
worked!)

"Well, now that I have wasted your time telling you my sad tale, I should
really get back to work." I tried my best to put aside my sadness.

"I have a better idea."  Leslie's tone was now more serious.

"What, better than me doing some real work around here?  I've got to earn my
paycheck some how!" I used my best smart-ass attitude, which is pretty damn
smart-ass, but I didn't get the response I was expecting.

"Jason!  Let me tell you something.  You are the best employee I have ever
managed.  You get more accomplished in one week than most do in two weeks.
I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend.  I'm saying this as your
boss.  So don't give me this 'I've got to get some work done' bull shit.  I
really think you need to take some time off away from this office.  You
can't keep hiding from the pain by laughing it off or working yourself into
an early grave!  I tell you what..."

I was taken aback.  I never knew how much Leslie appreciated my work.  Sure,
she always gave me a glowing review and my annual raises were generous, but
she had never vocalized her feelings.

"Hello...Marianne, I need a favor.  I need you to push through a paid two
week LOA as soon as possible... Yes, I know it's short notice, but one of my
department managers recently lost his immediate family in a traffic
accident.  (Leslie looked up as she spoke these words.  I could only close
my eyes and hold back the tears.)  Sure, fax the papers to me ASAP, then
I'll sign them and fax them back to you... OK, I'll inter-office you the
original paperwork overnight express... You're the best... I know, but it's
the least I can do... Let's do lunch next time I'm in Houston, my treat...
Once again, Marianne, you're the best... Bye"

"Leslie, there is NO way I can take a leave-of-absence for two weeks right
now!  Phase two of the project is scheduled to start in one week and I don't
know if 'Legal' will approve my revised procedures.  Without the new
procedures, all HELL is gonna break loose and I'll spend the next three
months trying to put fuckin' Humpty Dumpty back together again!"

"Guess what?  I'm well aware of the role you play in the project, but the
project can be damned for all I care.  I can cover all the managerial duties
you perform for the next two weeks.  I may not look it, but I can shovel the
shit with the best of them when the need arises.  I just want you to get
away for a while until you can come to terms with everything that's
happened.  I know you feel obligated to be in the office, and if I didn't
force you, you would never even take your regular vacation.  But in this
case, I'm calling the shots." Leslie was not taking 'NO' for an answer.

"OK, OK.  Just remember, page me if you need anything and I'll have my
cell..."

"Jason.  Let me see your pager."  Leslie's hand was out, waiting for me to
comply.

"What?"

"Give me your pager!  What the hell good will it do if you sit around
waiting for someone to page you when the point of getting away is just
that...GETTING AWAY!"

"Damn, do I know you?  I'm not sure I've ever seen this side of you." While
I said this, I unclipped my pager from my belt and handed Leslie my last
link to the office.

"Thank you!  I'll give it back to you when you return.  Now go.  Shut down
your computer, lock your office, and I'll see you in two weeks, and not a
day before!" Leslie smiled a heart-felt smile that made me realize she was
doing all of this for my well being.  It felt motherly in a way.  But
somewhere deep inside, I couldn't process the emotion I was feeling.

I walked to my office and sat behind my desk.  But something inside made me
at least finish the memo I had been writing some hours earlier.  I decided I
should cc: Leslie, so 'Legal' would have an alternate contact during my
absence.  After I clicked on SEND, I enabled my Out-of-Office message,
changed my voice mail, and shut down the computer.  Once I locked my office,
I stopped back by Leslie's office to say 'thank you' and let her know I had
finished the memo to Legal.

"Honey, I love you... I just wanted to call you and tell you... You never
know when the last words you say to someone will truly be the last... No,
there's nothing wrong..."

I felt bad listening to Leslie's call, but I couldn't help it.  I walked
away never letting her know I had been by.  I had to get out of there before
the tears started to fall.

*   *   *

It was now Wednesday and I couldn't stand being cooped up in my apartment
any longer.  I had come home on Monday and drank until I felt no pain,
emotional or otherwise.  Then on Tuesday, I woke up late and did little but
play the piano and try to sort out my feelings.  Usually when I play the
piano, I can resolve most any problem, but I had no way to resolve my
predicament.  My family was dead and buried.  How could I confront them and
help them to understand I was the same person I had always been.  Needless
to say, several bottles of wine came to the rescue and I again fell into my
bed without a care in the world.

But now, the third day of my exile from work, I received a call around 2PM
from the lawyers settling the estate of my parents and my brother.  Leslie
had obviously given them my phone number since I'm unlisted.  They simply
informed me that I was the sole beneficiary of both the estates of my
brother and my parents and that they had sent the necessary paperwork to my
address.  I was in shock.  I never thought about getting anything from the
family that had cast me out.  I couldn't help but think that had the
accident not occurred just days after I told them I was gay, they would have
written me out of their wills and removed my beneficiary status from the
life insurance policies.

Around 6PM, I threw some clothes into a duffel bag, grabbed my cell phone
and called a taxi.  I was heading for DFW International Airport and had no
idea were I was going.  I just knew I was getting the hell out of town.  As
I left my apartment, I noticed a manila envelope taped to my door.  I
quickly put it in my duffel bag and headed out to catch the taxi I had
called.

As I arrived at the airport, I didn't understand why the airport seemed
rather deserted.  I guess most people didn't take flights in the evening on
"Hump Day."  I walked up to look at all departures from DFW and decided to
head east.  I preferred some place with a beach, or at least moderate
weather.  Orlando!!!  I've been there twice and it's nothing but a hop,
skip, and a jump to either the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico.  (For those who
are not from Texas, you may look at a map of Florida and ask 'A hop, skip,
and a jump?'  Well, in Texas, you can drive all day and still never leave
the state, depending on where you start from and where you're going, of
course.)

I walked up to the counter and asked the young lady if there were any seats
available on the flight leaving for Orlando in 45 minutes.  She quickly
brought up the flight data and said it was fairly empty since it was a
multi-leg flight.  I asked what leg the Dallas departure was and she
confirmed it was the second leg, with a short layover in Atlanta before
continuing on to Orlando.  I wouldn't reach Orlando until shortly after
midnight.  'Oh well, that's what you get for moping around all day and not
leaving earlier.'  I couldn't help but feel the sense that no matter the
length of the trip to Orlando, I was in some way making my way out of the
despair and sadness I had firmly entrenched myself in.  With my ticket in
hand, I moved toward the gate of departure.

As soon as I sat down, the PA came on announcing the delay of my flight due
to the first-leg flight running behind schedule.  I was pissed!  Couldn't
that little heifer at the counter have warned me before I bought my ticket!
I would have been just as content to go to Miami, or even Tampa!  Oh well,
no sense in crying over spilled milk.  I sat down in the row of seats
closest to the window looking out to the tarmac.  At least, I wouldn't have
to watch people roam the terminal.  I could peer out and watch the planes
come and go.  After thirty minutes or so, I saw the plane finally pull up to
the gate.  'Shit, the damn plane just got here and the original departure
time is in 10 minutes.  I sure hope the delay carries over to the
Atlanta/Orlando departure, or I'm screwed!

I decided to walk up to the gate attendant and ask for the new departure
time.  She took the ticket from my hand and wrote the corrected departure
time down in blue ink and handed it back to me.  'BITCH, it was a simple
question.'  I smiled my best kiss-my-ass smile and decided it might be a
good time to take a trip to restroom.

As I returned to my seat to get my duffel bag, I noticed a group of guys
walking with their heads down, sunglasses on, and a variety of hats covering
their heads.  I thought to myself, 'Now I know the reason for the delay in
the first leg of the flight.'  I figured they were celebrities of some form
or fashion, but since I wasn't a big OH-MY-GOD-YOU'RE-LIKE-FAMOUS person, I
simply grabbed my bag and proceeded to the restroom.

TBC...

Not hard to guess who Jase will run into next, but it will be entertaining,
to say the least.  The next installment will be out later this week.  As
always, comments are welcome, flames ignored. (phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)