Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 03:33:36 EDT From: NCC1701DS9@aol.com Subject: every-little-thing-i-do-6 Greetings to my little band of fans! Yes, I'm back after a quick jaunt in California. Despite bringing my laptop, I got little work done, so now I present to you a chapter where half of it was written in the matter of an hour and forty-five minutes. Hehe...the first quarter is what I wrote before I left, and the rest is what I got done there. I'm not sure where it went this time, but like I said, I have no plans. It just goes. Thanks to all of you who keep me company and give me ideas! Jake, I love you! Best of luck to you! Oh, I don't know what the inside of their bus looks like...so I'm sorry if it's inaccurate! My Nsync obsession is rather short...just about a month and a half. So THERE! I like e-mail! So do e-mail/IM me! AIM users, be warned. I may ignore you the first few times since there's this nice new thing called IM spam that comes from "Internet users". If I do, just keep Iming me each day, and maybe the name will seem familiar next time. OK, and here are the boring, various disclaimers. This is a FICTIONAL story involving the band NSync, specifically member Lance Bass. I do not know NSync in any way, shape, or fashion with the exception of what I can get off of fan pages, their official site, various interviews, and the like. I do not know the sexual orientations of any members, although a guy can dream, can't he? :-) I do not claim to know the personalities of any member of Nsync either, and all reactions are the product of one deranged author. If you're part of Nsync, please e-mail me! If you're not, e-mail me anyway! Iff (test your math/science terminology here!) you are offended by homosexual relationships, or are under 18 or the legal age in your area, or your local laws/customs do not permit the reading of such material, then don't continue, even though this section contains no sex. GASP! Yes, I'm not one for writing porn stories. This is (hopefully!) a real story with emotions beyond passion. If those rules apply to you, then don't get caught reading this if you do decided to go on and read it. Prevoiusly in "Every Little Thing I Do"... It was fairly obvious what he was thinking of doing, kissing me. There was no way it could have been anything else. I mean, it wasn't as if I was an expert in such matters, but that was just BLATANT! This got me really thinking about the orientation of world-wide heartthrob Lance Bass. If anything, at least bi if not gay. Since I was still going through the whole deal of figuring myself out, I couldn't tell. I had no developed gaydar. Hell, everything was such a blur. But the one thought that stuck with me was "What if I hadn't pulled away? Would I have enjoyed it?" For some odd reason, I knew that the answer to the first would never come, but the answer to the second one felt like it would have an answer sometime in the near future. Every Little Thing I Do Chapter 6 By Mahka We joined the group waiting in near the entrance we had come in. Everybody was in street clothes, joking around. Steve and Sarah laughed at something Chris said, and Justin and Joey were leaning on each other, looking a bit tired, but having fun nontheless. "So we ready to go?" asked JC. I saw Sarah's eyes suddenly fly to JC and lock on him. A starstruck smile grew on her face. She was definitely infatuated with this boy! "Yeah, let's go! I'm HUNGRY!" shouted Justin, jumping up. "Cool, where're we going?" asked Chris. "Dunno, let's ask these guys," said JC, motioning to the three of us. "They're the natives!" We looked at each other. Yes, even Sarah took the time to break her gaze from JC. Our faces showed total confusion. Natives? In Philly? I was native to the mall...and so was Sarah. Steve was just...there. Steve finally spoke for the three of us. "Uh, actually, we have no idea. We don't spend any time in the city." "Great, I'm HUNGRY!" shouted Justin. Man, he just won't shut up! "Well, fine. We're just gonna drive the streets then. Let's go!" JC jingled some keys, and they were off. Actually, everybody but Lance. I saw him standing on the edge of the group, not really doing anything, just standing there, eyes on the floor, brow furrowed. "Coming?" I asked. I was concerned. Did our little encounter affect him that strongly? If it had, then I would have to do a LOT of damage control in a VERY short amount of time. I don't think the rest of the group would be happy with a depressed or upset Lance. "Huh? Yeah," he said, shaking his head. He followed us out into the parking lot. The lot was brightly lit, and cars jammed the highway and the parking lot. Thirty minutes after the concert was over, and they still weren't clear. JC walked over to a green Aerostar and unlocked the doors. "What, no limo?" Sarah asked. "No, we don't want to attract too much attention," replied Joey. "So we take a regular van." "Ah, ok." "Uh, guys?" I piped up. They turned to look at me. "There are eight of us...andonly-" "Seven seats," finished Lance, sounding dejected. "That's ok, you guys go ahead without me." "What? No, no, you're coming with us!" I said, grabbing his arm and pulling him toward the open side door. "We can squish, and if anything, Sarah can sit on top of one of us." Or you can sit on me, my mind added. Stop it! No more of that! "You sure? Really, I'm not feeling all that well and..." "C'mon Scoop. You gotta come with us!" said Justin. He climbed into the front seat, leaning out of the door. "Ok, fine, I guess." Lance finally relented and climbed into the last row in the van. Joey and Chris slid in beside him, and the three "natives" squished onto the middle row. JC jumped into the driver's seat and started the engine. We all closed our doors at the same time. "So where are we going?" JC asked as we pulled through the parking lot. He headed for a gate at the far end of the parking lot where a guard was standing. "Dunno, but I'm not sure if we really want to go driving around Philly this late at night," said Sarah. "Bookbinder's still open, isn't it?" I said, glancing at the clock. It was about nine. "Yeah, I think," replied Sarah. "You know how to get there?" "Uh, no. Just that it's near Penn's Landing, right?" "I have no idea." "Great. Lost in Philly, and I'm STILL HUNGRY!" whined Justin. "Shut up!" came a voice from the back. I figured it was Chris as it was fairly high pitched. I glanced back and saw him lean back in his seat. Lance was staring out the window, looking at the streets as we drove through. "Ok, just break out a map, and we'll get there!" Steve said. Smart boy. We found a Philadelphia City map in the van, and navigated our way around the many one-ways and such. We finally found Bookbinder's and parked twenty minutes later. We managed to secure a back table, to help lower the chances of getting spotted in public. Not that it would have really mattered anyway. The crowd inside wasn't exactly teeny-bopper. After ordering, we sat around the round table, chatting and laughing. The only person who seemed to not enjoy it as much was Lance. But after a few glances from JC, I saw him lighten up. I guess it was like my group of friends as well; just a few glances could say paragraphs. We joked, kidded, and enjoyed our food. The talk swung from the screw-ups from the concert to what we did during school. Finally it rested on the topic of me touring as we entered dessert. "So you think you'll be able to handle it?" asked JC. Lance and I had already had this conversation, but I figured it wouldn't hurt if they all knew more or less the information. "Yeah. I did a tour of Europe for three weeks last year, so I think I'll be able to handle it." "Cool. You'll intro us at each show, and if you're good, maybe we'll let you work with a crew of your choice." "Yay," I replied sarcastically, twirling my finger in the air. "What? Don't you want a chance to work with like lighting or sound or wardrobe or something like that?" "JC, you used the word WORK. That means getting up early, going to sleep late, and being stressed out, and actually getting busy. I think I'll pass and just hang out with the talent on the tour." I grinned at him. "OK, fine, whatever." He threw his hands in the air in mock defeat and settled back into his chair. Lance gave me a look that I couldn't figure out. I was extremely confused by this point as to where I stood in Lance's view. I would talk to one of the guys, but I didn't feel that I knew them well enough to ask something that personal. I obviously couldn't ask Sarah or Steve, because none of them had any idea that I was even thinking about being bi. Hell, I didn't know, which is why I wanted to see where I was in this whole thing. But I finally let it slide, allowing myself to get drawn back into the round of laughter erupting from all sides of the table. We polished off our main courses, and while the waitress cleared the dishes, we consulted the desert menu. Lots of whipped cream. Sarah and Chris read the menu out loud, emphasizing anything to do with whipped cream or chocolate syrup. Kinky people. It was hilarious though, and it took us a good ten minutes just to figure out what we wanted, the waitress having returned twice. Lance was finally back into the whole mood, which I was happy to see. I guess JC had managed to get across the fact that he was supposed to be a good little boy since they had guests for dinner. Not that we felt out of place, but I still didn't feel fully integrated into their "family." The deserts arrived, some drowning in syrup, others piled high with whipped cream. Numerous lewd comments started to fly, and Justin leaned over and sucked the whipped cream off of my desert, making some inappropriate moaning noises. I was shocked, to say the least, but I wrote it off to him being hyper, and joined in the laughter. The table was rocking, with everyone enjoying the rather kinky deserts. A few glances were thrown in our direction, but since it was dimly lit, there were no sudden shouts and screams of recognition. There was a sudden splat, and we looked up from our plates. JC had a bit of whipped cream hanging off of his nose, looking rather pissed. Across the table Joey held a spoon, looking into the air, whistling. The typical "innocent" look. Sarah took advantage of the situation, leaning over and dragging her finger through the cream and eating it. JC suddenly looked surprised, but I simply chuckled to myself. Sarah had a way of doing things like that. Besides, she looked rather happy. Boy, did I wish I could do that with Lance! But unfortunately, that wasn't possible. At least not now, with the present company. Dammit Mark! Stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your head! Never in my life had I felt such a rush of emotion, of passion. I know it sounds cheesy, like those sappy romance novels you find in supermarkets, but unfortunately, that's how I was feeling at the time. JC played along with Sarah's flirtings, smearing some chocolate sauce on her cheek and licking it off. The look on her face was pure pleasure, and the rest of us were rocking with laughter. We finally managed to finish our deserts, and Chris took out a credit card to pay. "We all get our own cards to pay for stuff," he explained while we waited for the waitress to return with the authorization slip. "Actually, the label provides us with cards for 'work related' expenses, but we all write off some things that shouldn't be written off." "Oh," chorused Steve, Sarah, and I. The waitress returned with the slip, and he signed off. We left the restaurant amid more chatter and laughter, with Lance hanging out with JC and Joey at the front and the three of us teens bringing up the rear. We piled into the van, taking our seats in the same fashion that had brought us down here - three Nsyncers in the back, three Philadelphians crammed into a seat meant for two, and the other two Nsyncers in the front, rather relaxed. Oh well, I guess we can't have everything we want! We returned to the venue in relative silence, with just a few remarks here and there. Justin fell asleep in the front seat, filling the van with an occasional snore, followed by a slap as JC smacked him. I myself was rather thoughtful as I thought about the upcoming tour. How would I assimilate into the group? Would I cope well with the whole tour scene? I knew that touring was tough, since I had already gone through something similar, but I figured this wouldn't be too bad since it was only two weeks, and for a whole week we were staying in a single city. Other thoughts such filled my mind. How would I keep in touch with my friends? Would I have access to a computer and the net? That was the biggest question, since I rarely go for long periods of time without access. It's my main mode of communication actually. I knew that I would call my mom, but would the label be willing to pay for millions of long distance calls to people they didn't know? And then there was the question of Lance. I wasn't sure where we stood at the moment. I knew that he had wanted to kiss me, and I found myself realizing that I actually wanted to kiss him too, but my logical side was too afraid. That and the fact that I had been raised Catholic, and therefore homosexuality was bad, a sin, and a direct route to Hell. Or at least, that's what they said. Myself, I was more of a liberal person, going for gay rights and being pro-choice than the church's stand, which was pro-life. So I had this problem with Lance. He had more or less ignored me during the night, giving me few glances, rarely speaking to me directly. I myself had been wrapped up in the entire group conversation, too busy having fun to really notice at the time. But now that I had time to think about it, I realized that I had no idea where we stood. I felt that it was sort of my duty to talk to him, but I have never been an excellent communicator with words. I don't know why, it just never came. If I had to speak, I just clammed up and got really nervous. But I knew that this time, I had to overcome that barrier and figure out just what exactly that aborted kiss meant. If I didn't, I might go crazy. We poured out of the van, a semi-tired mess. It looked odd, with seven guys standing there and just one girl, especially since some people's coif's had become rather unruly. "Well, I guess this is bye for two weeks," I said, standing rather awkwardly. I had never been good at good byes, and this certainly wasn't the time. The five singers moved off a bit, giving us a bit of privacy. "Yeah, I guess so," echoed Steve. "You promise to keep in touch, right?" asked Sarah. "Definitely, if I can." "Cool. Well then, uh...hug?" I stepped to her, wrapping her in a hug. She hugged me back, and whispered in my ear. "Keep JC in good shape for me, 'k?" I stepped back, shock on my face. She was grinning from ear to ear. "Uh, ok, I guess," I replied. Man was she infatuated! I really didn't know what else to say to her. Steve stepped forward and raised his hand in the air for a high five. I gave him one, clasping his hand. "See ya later Mark." "Yup. I'll be online, I think." "Cool." "Uh, how are we getting home?" asked Sarah. I shook my head, indicating that I had no clue. I shouted to the guys, repeating her question. Joey came over. "The limo's still here, so there's your ride home, ok?" "Cool. Bye guys!" A chorus of "bye"s and "later"s came from the group as my friends walked away. I joined them, trying to look upbeat. I was heading off on a completely different life. I was a definite youngun, with the closest person to my age being Justin, and even he was two years older than me. "So, when are we leaving?" I asked as the group moved toward a looming bus. "Uh, now, dumbass," said Justin. OK! Sorry, I didn't know! It was late, around 11, and my mind wasn't quite working, especially since I had gotten up at an ungodly hour in the morning. "What about my luggage?" I asked. "It's on the bus already." "Oh." We approached the bus, which looked like any other coach bus - average size, average height, with luggage compartments below. The only difference was that all of the windows were tinted extremely dark, and there was a section in the middle that had no windows at all. Since I had seen some tour buses before, I figure those were the areas where the bunks were, but I wasn't completely sure. The paint job on it was non-descript, which made sense for a traveling sensation. They didn't want hordes of cars following them I guess. "And this is the bus," said JC opening the door and allowing me to step in. My jaw opened a bit, then a lot as I took in the interior. "Like it?" asked JC, coming up behind me. I could hear the grin in his voice. I nodded in dumb silence. "C'mon, let me show you around." He pushed past me, and I followed him blindly. I could hear the other four members get on the bus, and the bus shook slightly. The lights were on, but the air conditioning wasn't, due to the fact that the engine wasn't on. In the humid Philadelphia air, it wasn't a good thing. "Oh god, they left the A/C off!" whined Justin. "Where are the keys?" "Right there, dumbass," commented Joey, pointing to the ignition. "Oh." The bus shook and rumbled as the engine started, and a sudden blast of cool air came from the ceiling. It was a great relief to the stifling air within the bus. I shifted my focus back to JC, who was giving me the tour. "...and this is the bathroom, pretty basic. Small, but we can get our stuff done in here. And these are the bunks, where we sleep when we have to make a long distance move. And this," he said as he drew a curtain with a flourish, "is the place we love. It's got some formal name, but we just call it the game room." I looked around the room. A couch/sofa like thing curved around the edges of the room. It was obviously in the back of the bus. Windows lined two sides, the rear being solid. A table was in the middle. I walked in and turned around. Built into the walls was an entire entertainment system, complete with TV, VCR, DVD player, CD player, and the like. I could say just one word: "Cool." "So that's the bus," said JC, rubbing his hands together and turning around to leave the game room. The other four members were busy in their bunks, doing something or other. "Even though we won't be sleeping on the bus overnight for a while, you still get a bunk, for naps or just to store your stuff in." "Oh, cool!" I replied. This was interesting, getting a bunk. Oh well. Joey and Chris had finished, and pushed by us into the game room, punching each other. Justin headed for the bathroom, and Lance crawled into his bunk and drew the curtain. Odd, he didn't seem that tired! And besides, I thought he wanted to talk to me. He had been antisocial for a good deal of the night, and I wondered if I had outstayed my welcome with him already. I hoped that perhaps a night of sleep would work it out, that he'd come to his senses and talk to me. I had never been a big person on oral communication. Whenever a presentation had to be made in class, I got extremely nervous. I forgot where I was in my speech, spoke to quickly, sounded like a choking goose. I dreaded the words "We need to talk" and anything similar. In group discussions, I was always quiet. I rarely asked questions, waiting too long before asking and working myself up. I envied those who could just launch into speeches without any problem. But last summer I had developed a stronger sense of talking. The friends that I had made on the tour helped me open up, gave me another sense of me. Made me find who I was, forced me to realize what I was, what I believed in. I still dreaded "We need to talk," but it wasn't as bad. Question asking became easier, although speeches still were difficult. However, in the current situation, it seemed that I would have to be the one saying "We need to talk." And we did. I had to find out just what Lance was about so I could put my own mind to rest. I was still confused about my own sexuality, whether I was straight or bi, if the thing with Lance was only a brief stint. I thought long and hard about it. I found myself physically attracted to men a lot, often envious of those with the perfect body. I had known that for a while, but it always just seemed like an inferiority complex or something like that. Emotionally, I was for the girls. Many of my friends were females, not all of them the picture of a model, but their personalities just fit me. I enjoyed hanging around with them, possibly flirting, but it was always in good, sarcastic fun. Or was it? I was never sure, since I could never tell if I was flirting or not. And that was my downfall. I was interrupted by JC, who was speaking to me. "This is yours," he said, drawing back the curtain to the bunk above Lance's. Shit. I was too close to him for my own comfort, and I was sure that Lance was thinking the same thing. He probably had arranged for my bunk to be near his ahead of time, before our aborted kiss in the dressing room. And now, both of us were regretting his decision. It was difficult, to say the least. "Oh, cool," I managed to say with forced enthusiasm. The look on JC's face told me that he hadn't caught the falsehood. I wanted out of the immediate area, away from Lance. I needed a computer and net access, to talk to one of my friends. "Hey, do you have net access?" I asked, abruptly changing the subject. "Ayup, wireless, so it's always there! There are hookups throughout the bus. Why, did you bring your computer?" "No," I said. Stupid me! How could I have forgotten to pack my lap top! It was fairly new, so it hadn't become part of my basic pack list yet. "That's ok, you can use mine." JC had to be one of the nicest members of the group. He was offering me everything, taking me under his wing, making sure that I wasn't too set off by being in a new setting. I was sure that Lance was supposed to have the job, but since JC and Lance seemed rather close, I guess JC had taken the clue and was doing Lance's job. "Oh, wow, thanks!" "Yeah, it's usually in the game room, in one of the closets. Phone line and power pack are in a bag next to it. Just use it whenever you need to." "Cool. You mind if I use it now? I want to try and catch my friends before they go to sleep." It was nearing midnight. In fact, that was a lie, since most of my friends didn't even sign on until midnight, but he didn't need to know that. At least, not right now. "Sure, go ahead. I think I'm going to go watch Joey and Chris battle it out on Mario Kart again." We walked back to the game room together, hearing shouts from the room. Joey and Chris were seated on the couch, shouting at each other, twisting in funny directions, their eyes glued to the TV. Justin sat on the floor, laughing at their antics. JC led me to a closet and showed me where the laptop was. "It's got AOL, AIM, Netscape, and other stuff on it," he said, handing me the computer and bag. "Just use whatever's there. There's nothing too personal, so just have fun." "Thanks," I said, taking it from him. "Well, I guess I'll go to the front of the bus so I don't take up room back here." "Alright, see ya later." He turned from me, sitting on the couch, watching the TV screen. I left the room, passing the bunks. Lance's was still curtained off, and I could hear breathing coming from within. I passed it, refusing to allow myself to think about him. I entered the sitting area, with two couches, and found the jack and power outlet near the floor. I guess on a bus you put things where you can! As I booted up the computer, the driver came onto the bus, said a quick hello, and walked to the back. I heard the game pause and some words were exchanged. The music started back up again, and the driver returned up front. He took a seat at the wheel, closed the doors, and started driving. "It'll be about two hours," he said, speaking to me. "Oh, ok." I didn't look up from the computer as I opened AOL. I signed on as a guest, inputing the required information and whatnot. I noticed that the number dialed was the number for AOLNet. I guess the label paid for net usage too! As it completed the sign on process, I opened AIM, knowing that AIM was always faster. I had to set up my buddy list all over again since I was at a new computer. I inputed all that I could remember. I knew that I could use my AOL list to add to the AIM list. I checked my mail, reading through the trivia subscription and a joke. There was a mail from Sarah at the end, which I opened after finishing everything else. I love using keyboard shortcuts. Subj: Have fun! Date: 7/28/00 11:53:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time From: <Removed for privacy> To: NCC1701DS9 Hey! What's up? Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for bringing me along on the concert and everything! JC is SOO cute! Say hi to him for me! I hope you have fun...assuming that you can read your mail while you're gone! Anyway, don't stress out too much...college app deads are only four months away...hehehe, and school starts in about a month! Yay...oh well. Make friends, try to hook me up with JC! Love you! Sarah Yeah, great, try to hook HER up! What about me? There were no other unread e-mails, and no one I usually talk to was on. I guess Sarah had just typed it quick and gone to bed. Oh well. I contemplated whether or not to reply. Sure, why not? It would be short, sweet, superficial. I wasn't going to involve her in my own troubles, yet. Subj: Re: Have fun! Date: 7/29/00 12:06:53 AM Eastern Daylight Time From: NCC1701DS9 To: <Removed for privacy> Yo! Word up! YES! I can check e-mail here! I'm using...JC's laptop! Hehehe...I guess I'm on the way to getting him for you! You are SOO obsessed! Oh well. Ugh, apps. I don't want to think about it. And I just realized that I didn't bring any of my summer HW to do! NOOOO!!!! Ugh...anyway...I'm making friends. Actually, my best friend right now is JC! Hehe, you hate me don't you? I know you do! I'll try to bring it up with him...if I get a chance. They're all in the back playing vid games. Well, all but Lance...he's in his bunk. Oh well. Off to NYC! Ok, bye! ~Mark I read it over, and sent it off. A little longer than I wanted, but it would be ok. I couldn't possibly involve her at this point. With no one else on, I just sat online, waiting, and thinking. What was the deal with Lance? Why was he being so antisocial? It wasn't like I had shot him or something. It was obvious from the failed kiss that he was gay and liked me. Wait, was he gay? I wasn't sure. Bi maybe? Or full blown gay? It wasn't possible to ask another member at this point...they might not know, or not tell to protect the group's reputation. Besides, I wasn't THAT into the family yet. They had yet to find out about me. I barely knew them, with the exception of Lance. With Lance, I could jump straight in. With the others, I had to get to know them first. Then there was me. I kept returning to the same question: was I bi? All my life, I thought I was straight, with the exception of envy toward those with nicer physiques. Me, I didn't fit them, so I thought it was natural to admire them. But mentally, emotionally, I was perfect. Unless Lance had an odd preference for physical standards, since he was so perfectly cute himself, he must like me for my personality. It got confusing again. What was my personality? I had about a hundred. It just seemed odd that I had become so friendly to him so quickly. It was unlike me, especially since I wasn't in a forced situation like the tour last year. I had to be friendly last year since I had to live with those people for three weeks. But not yesterday. I could have said "Sorry" and brushed it off, keeping the contact to about 30 seconds. That was the usual me. But now...I didn't know. Who was this new me? I signed off, resigned that no one was ever going to come on. I felt a bit depressed, but not very. Just a slight downer, nothing much. Don't stress? Yeah right, here I was, stressing before even a day had passed. Great advice, Sarah. I got up, setting the lap top on the couch carefully, and found the light switch. I dimmed them, placing me in semi-darkness. The driver drove on, oblivious to what I was doing. I stared out the window at the passing streets, watching the Delaware flow below us as we crossed into New Jersey for the jaunt to New York. My mind whirled and flowed, going in no particular direction with no goal in mind. It stopped thinking, then started, then stopped. It did whatever it wanted to do. I didn't care anymore. I just looked out the window at the passing cars, wondering if the occupants within knew who they were driving next to. Wondering if I was ever one of those occupants, and what brought me onto this side of the window.