Date: Tue, 07 Mar 2000 08:21:48 +0000
From: Eriker <eriker@earthlink.net>
Subject: boy-bands/front-row/front-row-3

This is a continuation of Front Row...I know I said it wouldn't be
continued but I lied. This started going in my head and wouldn't leave
til I wrote it all down.

This, however, is the end. I mean it this time.

Standard disclaimers apply. This is not meant to imply anything about
members of the Backstreet Boys.

All my thanks go out to my little family of sorts.
Gene.....remember always. <hugs>
Ashley...thanks for being the other half of my brain.
Kevin....I am so thankful that I got to know you. You are a sweetheart.

This is from Nick's POV.

Please send any comments to eriker@earthlink.net

Thanks for reading
Eriker

********************************************************
If I could right the wrongs that made you cry
I make a promise not to say good night
`Cause I'm holding on
With a love so strong
And I can't take a day without you by my side

If I could change
If I could change your mind
Baby, you could help me wipe these tears from my eyes

Don't stop
The sun from shining down on me
`Cause I can't face another day without your smile
And if you take away the loving arms that surround me
Then I might break down and cry just like a child



Front Row 3
by Eriker


		       2-15-02 (or six months later)

	This was supposed to go away. It has been six months since it all
exploded and this pain was supposed to go away by now. I have been so
good. I said I would let is all go when I wrote him that letter....and I
did to a point. I have come to accept a hell of a lot since that
happened. I accepted that Kevin will never be mine...at least not of his
own free will. I know he got my letter. I saw it in his room a few days
later and it was opened. But then again with his amazing powers of
denial he probably remembers little of what I said in it. He never
responded and I couldn't force the issue then. Maybe he was right. It
was a bit to early for me to consider a relationship. I knew I loved him
but I was so busy keeping my head above water. I knew I wasn't healthy
yet...I knew it. So why did I push it?

	I am seriously doing better now. They are lowering the dosages on my
meds. I have no illusions about all this and I know I will be on these
for the rest of my life but I have learned coping mechanisms for my
moods now and sometimes I can do it on my own. I talk to my counselor on
occasion but not as much as I used to. Then again it has been almost two
years since my hospital stay. My life is back together....we aren't on
the road. I can concentrate on this now.

	I know Kevin read the letter also because he addressed part of it. Of
course not anything to do with love or the connection between us...but
he addressed the whole  basket case thing. He doesn't think I am
hopeless and that isn't why he refused me. He showed me that in a
million little ways in the weeks following. It helped me to shut down
those feelings for a bit. When I wrote that letter I was drowning. And
now...I am floating...I am okay. Kevin isn't. He is drowning now....the
BSB are over.

	We knew they couldn't last forever and I think we all accept it. Howie
is happy leaving to be with his family and I think he wants to get
married soon. AJ wants a solo career. He wants to explore places he
could never go as part of the BSB. I can see him acting too....that
would be fun. Brian.....he wants a family. He wants to settle down and
maybe write. I know he wants to get away from me too. Our friendship has
become non-existent. It makes me really sad but I can't dwell on it.
Part of becoming healthy is that I need to cut out parts of my old
life....parts that were dragging me down.  Brian was part of that. He
never accepted that what happened wasn't all my fault. Hell..I think he
wants to blame the band breaking up on my mental problems. Fine...he can
if it makes him feel better.  Personally, I don't think he ever got over
the fans reacting badly to his engagement. He got really bitter after
that and shortly thereafter I ended up taking an enforced leave of
absence. We were never close again.

	And Kevin...after the contract breaking negotiations are over I don't
know what he will do. Probably write some and  produce...maybe manage
someone. He is so wrapped up in the ending of things that he is failing
to see the new beginning right around the corner.  I think that is my
job...to make him see that. He can't throw the `professional boundaries'
crap line at me anymore. He has been alone since his engagement ended a
few years ago. That whole sham was a mistake anyway. He ended that about
six months after it was announced.... He never really loved her anyway.
Kristen was a great person. She was sweet as all hell and probably
Kevin's best friend but that wasn't enough. The only person I ever saw
Kevin really in love with was Adam...and he ended that when the BSB took
off.  I think it is time for Kevin to be happy.

	So how am I going to do this? I need to make Kevin see that I am not
going anywhere. I need to make him listen to me. He is the most stubborn
of all of us. The only one that even comes close to him is me.  I know I
can do this if I try. I suppose the best thing is to ambush him. He
should be home in an hour. That give me enough time to go to his place
and figure out exactly what to say on the way. I need to stay firm and I
can't let him go...he is mine and I need to make sure he knows that too.


<finis>