Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 10:59:36 EDT
From: luvjc no1fan <n_luvjc@hotmail.com>
Subject: Heartstrings / Chapter Two

Well, after being an avid reader of stories from the Nifty Archive for some
time, I've decided to make an entry of my own. I hope you all like it.  If
so, let me know and I will continue. My name is Richard, and my email is
n_luvjc@hotmail.com.  I will repeat the info at the end of the story for
your comments, etc.

The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it
revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart'
with 'No Strings Attached'.  As a FYI, I am writhing this story the way I
most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex (but later) I
will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to
develop.  They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story
goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets.  But I can
assure you that they won't all have the same secret.  These first parts of
the story are also a little dark.  I certainly do not condone any of the
things done to our young heroes, but I feel it is important to portray it
in a way that is true because this story is one of healing.  And in order
for there to be healing, there has to first be a wound.  Bear with me... I
promise brighter times are coming.

A little hint for reading this part of the story.  It should be evident, but
most of this chapter is in flashback form, where JC is remembering times
from his past.  I tried to make it fairly clear when I was switching (I
separated the sections with a series of ========), but if it is confusing,
let me know and I will do something with the formatting to make it more
obvious.

As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about
the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and
meant for amusement only.  If you shouldn't be reading this because of your
age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male
relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.



Light is streaming in through the window as the long lean form of Joshua
Scott Chasez stretches to shake himself free of Morpheus' embrace.  The
guys all tease him about sleeping so much, but they couldn't guess the real
source behind him being so tired during the day... or could they?

He pulls his arms down from his stretch and rubs them down his chest, over
his tight abs... past his groin, throbbing from a night filled with dreams,
and down over his thighs.  Each muscle tenses as his long fingers dance
over his skin.  Fingers that could come alive on a keyboard.  Create
beautiful music.  These same fingers could create great pleasure as well.
His hand slowly, deliciously, begins to enclose his hard erection still
encased in his black boxer-briefs.

A sigh escapes his lips as his body responds to his own touch.  His heart
rate increases and his hips buck, straining to press his now aching
erection even harder against his touch.  His mind is lost in the sensation
and all thoughts flee.  He thinks of past lovers.  He thinks of recent
flings.  He thinks of future love.  JC has been in love three times in his
life.  Each one is a very different love.  He thinks of all of these
simultaneously.  The physical sensations combine with the flood of mental
erotica, and he can wait no longer.  With his left hand he pushes his
underwear off his hips and over his ass... his right hand immediately
grasps his hard penis.  There is no thought of making this last... enjoying
the moment.  Lust has overtaken all thought.  Feverously, he strokes his
penis... his cock.  The orgasm begins in his toes.  They curl downward and
tense.  The feeling moves up through his calves and into his thighs.  Each
muscle tightens to an unbelievable tension.  His scrotum tightens and his
testicles pulse sending an eruption from his hard cock.  His chest is
covered now with white, thick and gooey cum.  The orgasm subsides with a
deep and soulful sigh.  He now lazily runs his finger through a puddle of
semen.  He brings the finger to his lips and saviors the taste.

Euphoria ends abruptly as the cruel reality of life forces its way back
into his thoughts.  'I have to tell the guys,' he thinks.  Josh has known
he was gay since about the time he became JC.  The story he tells the media
of being discovered is that a friend coaxed him into auditioning for this
new Mickey Mouse Club.  What he fails to mention is that he was in love
with this friend.  His name was KC.  He was beautiful, at least to Josh.
He was awkward at school and didn't have many friends.  He was tall for his
age and his eyes were so deep a shade of brown you could see your own
reflection.  Josh never knew exactly why, but he was immediately drawn to
this guy.  KC wasn't popular.  They didn't have the same friends.  But,
from the time they first met, Josh knew that they were going to be friends.
KC started showing up at Josh's soccer games and they would hang out after.
Soon they were staying over at each other's houses all the time.  It was
shortly after his 13th birthday that Josh realized he was gay.

=======

He was spending the night at KC's.  KC had two twin beds in his room, and
KC's was by the window.  Josh turned his head and looked over at his
friend.  It was a warm August night and KC had kicked the covers off his
bed.  The boys slept in their underwear.  They had seen each other naked
while changing to go swimming.  Josh had never thought anything of it
before.  Tonight though something changed.  He looked over at his friend
who was bathed in moonlight breathing the deep slow breaths of slumber.
Josh's pulse quickened, and he began to become aroused.  For some amazing
reason, he wasn't bothered by these new thoughts.  They felt as natural as
breathing.  He felt mesmerized as he arose from his bed and crossed the
floor to stand by KC's bed.

KC's breathing doesn't change.  It remains slow and rhythmic.  Josh on the
other hand was beginning to feel light headed.  A lifetime of pent up
sensations began to swirl.  KC's chest rose slowly; only to fall again.
Josh's eyes were transfixed on the form of his sleeping friend.  He was now
standing directly beside KC's bed.  He could feel the heat of his body.
With a simple gesture, he could touch him.  Would he touch him?  Josh was
certain in knowing that he wanted to, more than he ever wanted anything in
the world.  He wanted to caress his sleeping friend.  He wanted KC to caress
him.  To kiss him.  To what?  Josh was a virgin in every sense of the word.
He knew what boys and girls could do together, but he didn't know what boys
could do with boys.  He had heard about blowjobs at school, and maybe boys
could do that.

He had an irresistible urge to find out.  Slowly, with his hand shaking, he
began to reach out to touch KC.  His hand is moving on its own.  His mind
shuts off from the sheer overload of emotion and thought.  His hand came in
contact with KC's chest, just below his right nipple.  A bolt of electricity
surged through Josh on contact.  In that moment, he knew he was gay; he knew
he loved KC; and he knew that there was nothing wrong with that.  To him, it
was as natural as breathing and as beautiful as...... well what is more
beautiful than love?

"What's going on Josh,"  KC asked in alarm.

Josh pulled back too scared to breathe.  He wanted nothing more than to
profess his undying love and devotion and grab KC in his arms, but instead,
the fear in his head wins out and he replied "you were snoring asshole!  Try
and keep it down."

"Oh sorry man," KC replied sleepily.  "I didn't mean to startle you, but I
woke up and you were standing right next to me and I didn't know what was
going on."

"Same here man.  Didn't mean to scare ya.  I was just standing here trying
to decide whether or not to smother you with your pillow."  Josh laughed
back.  He amazed himself at how easily he covered up his anxiety.

"I'll try to do better.  Now please let me go back to sleep."  KC murmured
as he rolled over to face the wall.

And that was it.  That was one of his last nights sleeping over with KC.
The next weekend KC talked Josh into coming with him to an audition for the
New Mickey Mouse Club.  KC loved to sing, and Josh would join in with him at
times.  KC said that Josh was as good as he was so he should come to.  Josh
agreed for three reasons.  He had nothing better to do.  It sounded like it
might be a laugh.  And, it meant that he would get to be around KC all day.
He hadn't said anything to KC about the other night.  In the light of day,
his own fear of being rejected by KC took over.  He knew he would tell him
soon though.  'Cause there was nothing more that he wanted than to be with
KC.  Josh had no idea how much his life would change simply by going to that
one audition.

=======

'It seems like it was only moments ago.' JC thinks to himself.  He is unsure
about proceeding further down this walk down memory lane.  Being in MMC was
great.  He met a lot of great people.  His brother, Justin, to name but one.
  But there was also a lot of heartache too.  He lost a lot too while part
of MMC.  He was barely thirteen, and he was swept away from everyone and
everything he knew.  Hell, he even lost his name.  For thirteen years he was
Josh, to everyone, and in a few months the world would know him as JC.

He and KC had promised that they would remain friends.  That KC would
audition next year and that they would be able to be on the show together.
Josh offered to not take the part, but KC would hear of it.  It was amazing
really.  This was KC's dream, and Josh was getting to live it.  And most
surprising of all KC seemed genuinely happy for Josh.  The hectic pace of
the next few weeks was unbelievable to Josh.  His mom and dad were
reluctant, but they also knew what kind of opportunity this was for him.
Between meeting with business type people from Disney, arranging to move,
saying goodbye to all his family, getting all his school records
transferred, and beginning a hectic practice schedule; Josh had very little
time to see KC.

========

He had tears streaming down his face as his plane took off headed to
Florida.  His mom, who was accompanying him on the trip, patted his knee and
told him everything would be fine.  He told her he knew, but he was a little
sad to be leaving all he has ever known.  Silently, he added to himself, and
the guy I love.  He promised himself that he would call KC everyday and not
lose touch with him.

======

JC squeezes his eyes shut as his memory shifts to his last day in Maryland
before moving to Florida.  He is in the shower now, and the warm water is
little comfort to the cold he is feeling from these distant memories.  "Why
does it feel so important to me to relive all this right now?" he asks
himself out loud.  He is rewarded with a mouthful of warm water, but nothing
else.

=======

His family was having a big dinner for him tonight.  They were all so proud
of him.  In fact, there was a banner hung in the living room that proclaimed
it to the world.  'We're proud of you, Josh...  Break a leg!'  KC was coming
to dinner as well.  There were going to be a lot of his friends here, but KC
was different.  Josh wanted to make sure that he got to tell him goodbye and
spend some time with him.  Josh had been in agony over the last few weeks.
He yearned to profess his love to KC.  He was going to talk to KC tonight!

Dinner was great.  Josh had no idea so many people cared about him.  His
heart swelled with all the love he felt.  He sobbed as people took turns
wishing him well and saying how much he meant to them.  KC elbowed him and
told him to stop blubbering.  Josh elbowed him back and allowed himself to
smile.  The evening concluded with Josh singing his audition song, then
joining KC in a couple of duets.  Everyone applauded and stood up to leave.
Josh went over to his mom and asked if he and KC could go for a walk.
Josh's mom, Karen, told him sure; but not to be out too late because they
had to go to the airport pretty early in the morning.

"That was a great night," KC began, "You're very lucky you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Josh responded.

"What's wrong?  You should be on top of the world."

"I know," Josh muttered, "It's just that I wish you had made it to.  I don't
even think I want to do this anymore.  It was supposed to be the two of us
taking on the world remember?"

"Listen, Josh," KC answered with emotion filling his voice.  "You are the
best person I know in the world.  Your heart is so big that you want
everyone to be as happy as you are.  I love that about you.  Hell, I love
you man, you know?  These last few years have been the greatest.  You were
this popular guy with tons of friends, but for some reason I have never
figured out, you became my friend too.  That has meant so much to me.  I
treasure our friendship, but I also know that no matter what we will always
be friends.  We might be different kinds of friends, but we will ALWAYS be
friends.  I am happy for you.  This is a great opportunity for you.  Don't
you dare feel guilty that I didn't make it too!  Hey, that's their loss!
You have to promise me that you will go to Florida and have the time of your
life."

Josh was speechless.  KC had always been the quiet one of the two of them.
He would stand back and allow Josh to do all the talking.  This seemed like
more than KC had said in the past year!  'He also said he loved me' Josh
thought.  He meant it like brothers though, but maybe he meant more.  He
realized that KC was staring at him waiting for a response.

"I.. I. I love you too, KC.  You mean the world to me.  I want us to be
together forever!  You have to audition again next year.  It would be so
great to be in Florida together.  You are my best friend.  I could never
have a better friend no matter how hard I tried.  No matter how many guys I
get to know.  You're the best."

The two friends hugged each other and held on as they cried.  This was not a
sight one would normally see between two teenage boys.  Normally, they would
express emotions by slugging each other in the arm, trading snide comments,
or the ever popular, pillow fight.  Tonight was different.  Tonight was
special.  The emotions that they were feeling were true and honest and had
to be spoken.  Josh realized that he had professed his love to KC, and he
didn't pull away.  Instead he was hugging him.  Josh hung on as if KC were
the last life preserver on a sinking ship.

They parted and KC asked if he was feeling better.  "I think so," Josh
began, "You are a great person."

"So are you."

"KC..  umm.. did you mean what you said?"

"Every word!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," KC replied.  He could see the love in Josh's eyes.  He was confused
as hell.  When he told Josh he loved him, he meant it 'like a brother'.  But
Josh, .. Josh was different.  He really loved him.  He could tell.  Josh is
gay?  Am I gay?  KC didn't have the answers for those questions.  He knew it
felt great to have such a friend as Josh, and he never wanted to lose him.
He was pretty sure he wasn't gay though.  KC had started to notice girls a
lot.  Everywhere he went as a matter of fact.  He thought Josh was just a
little behind him on that.  Still clinging to his boyhood.  Maybe it wasn't
that.  Maybe Josh was gay and loved men; no loved him.  KC moved closer to
Josh and took him back in his arms.

"I am sure," KC said.  Their eyes lock in place and their heads move closer
to each other.  Their lips meet.  Lightly at first... then more intensely.
This is their first kiss.  It is a kiss that the two friends will always
remember.  Josh feels that it is a kiss more perfect than any other kiss in
the world.  In fact, he is sure that the rest of the world can tell that the
perfect kiss is happening right now.  They are sitting on the grass in the
abandoned playground of the school that is near Josh's house.  They kiss
forever in one sense, but not long enough in another.

"Wow!!!" Josh exclaimed finally breaking the kiss.  "I never dreamed you
felt the same way about me."

"How long have you known you were gay Josh?"  KC asked.

"A few weeks ago I became sure, but I think I have always known."  Josh
answered.  "How about you?"

"Josh... you are my world right now, but I am not sure that I am gay.  I
never thought about it before at all, and to be honest, I know I am
attracted to girls.  But right now, maybe just for this night, I want to be
as close to you as possible!"

Josh was puzzled a little by KC's response.  He was hoping for him to
profess his undying love, but he could understand his friend's confusion.
He would give him time.  He caught a glimpse of his watch and realized they
had been out there for hours!  He kissed KC once more and said that they
really had to head back to the house.  KC agreed and they walked back
playfully bumping into each other as they went.

Upstairs in Josh's room, Josh took off his shirt and shorts.  In only his
boxers, he moved toward KC.  They kissed.  They kissed again.  Josh took off
KC's shirt and stroked his chest.  KC pulled back and said that he needs to
take things slowly.

"I have never done anything like this before either," Josh said.  "I know I
want you so much right now, but I don't want to do the wrong thing either."

"I can tell you want me bud.  You're dick is poking me in the thigh!  Let's
just sleep together tonight, okay?"  KC said as he takes off his pants and
lies on Josh's bed.

Josh crawls in next to him and said that he would love that.  They kissed
and caressed each other for a while more, but finally sleep wins out and the
two drifted off to sleep.

The morning was crazy and Josh didn't have a moment alone with KC.  His last
memory of KC that day was the look on his face as Josh walked down the gate
toward the plane.  Josh swore to himself that he and KC would be together
forever.  Unfortunately, forever seems to have a time limit when you are
thirteen.

=======

Shaking his head, JC steps out of the shower.  He reaches for the towel and
begins to dry off.  He remembers the night with KC as the most perfect night
of his life.  'What are we doing today,' He wonders.  His brain was not
ready to shift gears yet back to reality though.  Without permission, his
brain forces him back into his past.

=======

Josh stepped out of the plane and walked into the world of show biz.  He was
greeted by a suit with a name attached.  "Hi there, you must be the Chasez
family" Dan Rushton announces.

"Yes," Karen Chasez said.  "It is nice to be here"

"I can't tell you enough how happy we are to have you joining the family
here at Disney.  There are a few things I need to talk to you about on the
way to the set.  I am going to be blunt here.  We are trying to create a
family on the show."

Josh looked at the guy in alarm.  'Was he losing the job before he even
started?' He wondered.

"Don't be alarmed," Dan interrupted Josh's train of thought.  "All I meant
was that we already have a young man named Josh on the show, and we need to
find something else to call you.  Do you have any nicknames?"

"I call him sweetie" Karen jested.

"Mom!"

"You're mom was just joking," Dan laughed.  "We noticed that your initials
are JC.  What do you think of that as a name?"

"JC... well, it's not my name; but I guess it is okay," Josh stated flatly.

"Great! Well it is all decided then."  Dan continued.  He then proceeded to
go on and on about schedules and contracts and stuff that Josh...oops JC
could have cared less about.  He didn't pay attention again until he walked
onto the set.  He was blown away by the set.  He was beginning to have fun
in spite of himself.  He is busy exploring his new surroundings when he
comes around a corner and runs smack into a body.

JC picked himself up and is greeted with a smile that is as bright as the
sun.  "I'm Tony," the smile said.  "Sorry about that.  I promise I dance
better than I walk."

"No problem.  I'm Jo.. oops JC"

"Are you sure there bud?" Tony teased.

"Yeah," Josh blushed. "It's just that they asked me to go by my initials for
the show, and I am not used to it yet."

"That's cool," Tony continued "We're roommates in the dorm so we'll get to
know each other well before too long anyway."

"Great" JC said.  He was blushing still.  Actually, he was flushed.  Tony
was very cute.  JC thought it could be trouble being so close to him all the
time, but he had KC anyway.  Tony seemed really nice and they seemed to
'click' so he was sure it would work out okay.

He kissed his mom goodbye and went about settling in.  The first month was
hard work.  They rehearsed the entire day, 7 days a week.  He and Tony grew
very tight.  They were always together.  JC grew more attracted to him as
the days went on.  Tony was a truly great guy.  He was funny, crazy, sincere
and wild.  He kept JC laughing even when he was depressed and missing home.
Missing KC.  The other folks on the set seemed cool too.  Dale became the
third musketeer of their little group.  JC felt like some hormonal floodgate
had been released the night he and KC kissed.  Granted, all the guys on the
set were picked because they were handsome; but JC spent hours each day
drooling over the guys.  Aside from Tony, there was this guy Blain that was
so hot.  He was cocky and arrogant and no one seemed to really like him, but
JC could barely breathe anytime he was around.  He downplayed all of this
when he talked to KC.  He and KC laughed about how they were now JC and KC.
JC didn't realize that was soon to change.

JC had been fairly homesick during the first months of the show.  There was
so much going on, and so much to learn that he rarely had time to think
about it.  Tony was also becoming very important to him.  He was a great
friend to JC.  He could make JC laugh anytime, but also stopped and listened
to JC when he needed it.  JC thought he could fall in love with Tony, but he
was going to be true to KC.  He hadn't been able to go home at all since
coming down to Florida.  He was too busy, but the show was taking a break
for Thanksgiving, which was 3 weeks away.  JC was going to get to go home
and see his family and KC.

JC was counting the days.  JC's life took a very different turn two weeks
before he was set to leave.  The gang had finished taping the show and was
done for the day.  JC was back at his dorm and noticed he had gotten mail.
He eagerly tore open the letter, which he noticed had KC's handwriting on
the envelope.  His eyes danced over the page as he began to read.

------------------------------------------------
	Dear Josh (or is it JC now),

I want to begin with how much you mean to me.  You are the best friend a guy
could ever have.  I hope we will always be friends.  I have been very
stressed over how to tell you this, and since you're going to be home soon,
I wanted to be honest with you and tell you before I hurt you even more.

The night before you left was great, and I will never regret it.  But I also
know that it wasn't me.  I don't know if you are definitely gay or if you
are bi, but I don't think I am either.  This year at school the girls have
been turning my head all over the place.  I know I am attracted to girls and
fantasize about them all the time.  I think my fondness, my love for you as
a friend clouded those thoughts that night.  I do love you Josh, but as a
brother, as a friend.  Please let us stay friends.  I would be lost without
you.

I know you will find someone to make you happy someday.  I am sorry that
that person won't be me.  This is not easy for me to write, as I am sure
that it is not easy for you to hear.  I hope we can talk more when you are
home.

Please don't hate me.

Love,
KC
-------------------------------------------------


"Hate you!  How can I hate you?  I love you!" JC gasped as he ran to his
room with tears starting to flow.

Before he could get to his room, he ran into (literally) Blain in the hall.
Blain grabbed him by the shoulders and asked "Where's the fire?"

JC couldn't hold back any longer and broke down into sobs.  Blain led JC out
of the hallway and into his room.  They sat beside each other on the bed.
Blain put his arm around JC and asked what was wrong?

"I got dumped," JC cried.  "Right before I was supposed to get to see hi..
er her again."

JC cried harder for a few minutes but finally he choked out a "thank you" to
Blain.  He had never been that close to Blain, probably because he found him
so damn attractive.  He turned and looked into Blain's eyes.  'God, he is
gorgeous' JC thought.  Before he could stop himself, he moved closer and
tried to kiss Blain.

"Whoa there bud!" Blain said, pushing JC back.  "I'm not like that."

"I'm so sorry," JC cried again.  "I don't know what came over me.  You were
just being so nice, and you are so ... hot."

"You think I am hot, eh?" Blain smiled.  "Well, I can't let you kiss me
because that is too queer; but we can have some fun if you like."

JC was panicked by the words.  He wanted Blain, but he was scared.  He
didn't want the whole MMC to find out he was gay, but it did feel good to be
held by Blain.  He was silent as Blain guided him to stand up and then kneel
in front of him.  Blain undid his belt and opened his pants.  Blain pushed
his pants down just enough to get his penis out.

"I am going to like having you around even more now JC." Blain sneered as he
grabbed him by the hair and pushed his penis toward JC's mouth.

JC struggled at first.  He had never done anything like this.  'Is this how
I wanted my first time to be?' He thought as his mind reeled.  Blain pushed
his cock against JC's lips and told him to open up.  Lust clouded JC's
reason and he opened his mouth and took Blain's hard member into his mouth.
He was slow at first but finds he likes it.  Blain is so hot and here he is
letting JC touch him.  Suck him.  Blain begins thrusting his hips making his
cock go deeper into JC's throat.  JC gags but Blain doesn't care.  He grabs
the back of JC's head and shoves his entire member down JC's throat.  Thrust
after thrust caused JC to gag more and more.  He was worried that he would
die because he couldn't breathe.  He tried to push Blain off of him but he
couldn't get any leverage and Blain was stronger than he was.

"Don't try and stop now cocksucker," Blain jeered.  "You know you want this.
  You probably have been dreaming about this since you met me.  Yeah, I am
going to enjoy having a nice cocksucker right down the hall.  You will suck
me off or anything else I want from you anytime I want, or I will tell
everyone just what a cocksucking, whore you are!"

With these final words, Blain shoved his entire cock to the hilt down JC's
throat and blasted his cum into JC's stomach.  JC scrambled to get Blain off
of him.  He didn't want this, and he certainly didn't want to swallow his
cum.  He was terrified now.  What had Blain said about sucking him anytime
he wanted?  'Christ', JC thought.  'What am I going to do?'

JC sobbed on the floor as Blain pushed him off.  He was ashamed.  Ashamed
that he had done that with Blain, and ashamed that his cock was erect.  'How
could I have enjoyed that?' he screamed inside his head.

Blain noticed the tent in JC's pants too.  "I see you like that you little
fag.  That's good, because you're going to be doing it often.  The little
sluts on this show all want me, but they are such prudes.  They all claim to
be saving themselves, but I know that they are really whores.  But I can
give them a break now that I have you!"

"Please Blain," JC begs, "don't tell anyone about this.  Please just leave
me alone."  His words were true, but JC had to adjust his penis before it
snapped in half.  This made it look like he was groping himself.

"I see you want more eh?"  Blain mocked.  "Well, I am young.  I should be
able to give ya want you want.  Take your clothes off!"

JC was stunned!  When he hesitated, Blain snapped "Now!"  JC stood up and
pulled his shirt over his head.  "Please don't do this," he pleaded.

"Shut up!  You know you want this."  Blain responded.  He grabbed JC by the
waist of his pants.  He groped JC's still hard cock and said "See, I told
you that you wanted this."  Blain undid JC's pants and pushed them off his
hips and down to his knees.  He then pushed JC down on the bed.

JC's legs were tangled so he couldn't regain his footing.  He felt Blain
crawl on top of him and began poking his cock at JC's ass.  "No!" JC yelled,
but Blain clamped his hand over his mouth.

"You do that again, and I will really hurt you!  Plus, do you really want
someone coming in right now?"  Blain mocked as he fumbled to get his tube of
lotion out of his bedside table.  He squirted some on his cock and then
aimed it at JC's ass again.

The pain was incredible as JC's ass was invaded by Blain's cock. Blain could
care less about this and went to the work of fucking him.  Over and over, he
plunged into JC's ass.  JC couldn't believe his cock was still hard as a
rock.  He was not liking this!  His body was reacting without his
permission.  Blain would drive deep into him and hit some spot inside him
that felt great.  The pain had all but subsided now, and he had to admit
that it did feel good.  BUT this didn't mean that he wanted it.  He silently
prayed to the god that his mom believed in so devoutly 'Please make this
stop!'

JC's prayer was answered but not he way he probably meant.  Blain fucked him
a few more seconds and then plunged as deep as he could and shot his second
load of semen into JC.  JC gasped at the invasion, but also at his physical
reaction.  His own dick shot its load all over the sheets without being
touched.

Blain stood up and pulled up his pants.  He didn't even look rumpled, nor
was there a hair out of place.  "I'm going down the hall for awhile.  Don't
be here when I get back.  Oh, but don't worry.  We'll do this again soon.
Real soon!... but if you ever shoot your nasty fag cum on my bed again, I
will make you very sorry!"

With that he lightly smacked JC's face and walked out.  JC stood motionless
for a moment.  His mind couldn't process everything he was feeling at the
moment.  His legs finally started moving on his own.  He was in his room
now.  The room he shared with Tony.  'Thank the saints Tony is not here
right now' Josh thinks.  He quickly rips his clothes off and races into the
shower.  Water, as hot as he can stand, sterilizes his assault.  'How could
Blain be such a jerk?' JC thinks.  He stays in the shower a long time
scrubbing himself.  Finally, his tears stop flowing, and he dries himself
off.  Flopping down on his bed, he quickly is asleep.

==========

JC is standing in his bathroom with a towel around his waist.  His mind has
been reliving his past all morning.  The pains of the past are very much
present for JC right now.  He stares off into the endless space of the
mirror.  He is so tired of the life he has been living.  He is gay.  He has
always been gay.  He will no longer feel bad about that.  He will no longer
feel ashamed about that.  He will no longer feel guilty about that.  And
most of all, he will no longer hide it from the people he cares about!

He is finally getting dressed when he pulls his wallet out of the pants he
wore out last night.  He notices a piece of paper and pulls it out.  On it
is written 'Thanks Stud, if you want to get together again (maybe somewhere
more private this time) call me.  555-1648, and it was signed T.

JC groaned as he read this.  "How did I end up like this?" he asks himself,
and as if on demand, his mind flashes back into the past.

==========

JC wakes up as Tony comes into the room.  "Hey" he mumbled.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Tony asked in alarm. "No offense or anything, but you
look like shit!"

"Nothing really Tony," JC lied, "got some bad news from home and I am just
tired too."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tony asked caringly.

For the first time in his life, JC plays the pronoun game.  He tells Tony
that 'someone' he cared about at home just dumped him.  How he had been
looking forward to seeing 'this person' so much when he went home soon, and
now he is not sure if he ever wants to see 'this person' again.

"Did you get the 'let's be friends line?'" Tony asked.

"How'd ya guess?" JC smiled.

"Sweetheart, it is as old as time!" Tony laughed.  He has really grown to
care for JC.  He always has thought he was fragile in some way, but he has
never really known why.  He kinda looked at him as a little brother at the
same time as a peer.  In any case, he could tell that JC was hurting; and he
wants to try and help.  He pulled JC into a hug and tells him "it will all
work out for the best".

JC smiled at first.  He felt so safe for a moment, but then the recent event
with Blain surged forth in his mind.  He begins to cry, then sob.  He is
clinging onto Tony as if his life depended on it.  "Let it all out dude"
Tony coaxed.  This begins JC's second tale of love, for it this act of
kindness, pooled together with everything he already felt about Tony, that
causes JC to fall madly in love with Tony.  JC's heart is warmed with the
realization, but he is also keenly aware of how much he has been hurt by KC
at the same time.  He makes an oath that he will never reveal his love for
Tony.  'Unless, he tells me he loves me first'.

Things settled down for JC after that.  At least, they settled into a
routine.  For the most part he enjoyed being on the show.  He had gone home,
but had avoided KC.  He knew he did want to talk to him and still be
friends, but he needed a little time.  He wrote him a letter saying as much,
and KC wrote back saying he understood.  JC and Tony became inseparable.
They were always together.  Except for the times JC was with Blain.

Blain and JC had sex 3-4 times a week.  It was always pretty much the same.
Blain would find JC alone and pull him off somewhere.  He would get JC to
suck him off of he would fuck JC.  As soon as Blain reached orgasm, he would
zip up and walk off.  JC felt awful as he would quickly masturbate himself
to orgasm.  He needed the release, but he felt dirty at the same time.
Blain was his only outlet for sex.  He was able to have a physical closeness
with a man.  JC basically split himself into two.  He had emotional
closeness with Tony, and physical closeness with Blain.  The problem lay
with what this was doing to JC.

His secret love for Tony and his secret sex with Blain left him with too
many secrets.  It also left him thinking that everything about being gay
meant you had to hide it.  You had to keep it a secret.  He also began to
believe that being gay meant getting hurt or being used.  These beliefs
would plague JC for years.  They whittle away at his self-esteem, and before
he knows it, he begins to accept these beliefs about himself as fact.  As
the way things have to be.

The rest of that year on the show ends and JC and Tony are as tight as two
friends can be.  JC has also made up with KC, and he is looking forward to
seeing him while he is at home during the hiatus.  He truly felt that they
were going to be friends.  JC even wanted to meet KC's girlfriend.  He
really did!  He wasn't just being nice.  He went home determined to rekindle
a friendship even though he knew it could only be just that, a friendship.
Besides, he was in love with Tony now.

The next year of MMC looked more promising for JC.  Blain did not return.
There was little information given as to why, but it was rumored that
several of the female cast members had complained about him sexually
harassing them.  JC certainly knew about that.  Blain had been harassing his
ass all last year.  He roomed again with Tony in the dorm as well with the
addition of a new roommate.  This little blond curly haired boy walked in
looking shy as hell and quiet.  He managed to stutter out his name was
Justin.  JC fell for this kid hard.  Not in a sexual or lusting way, but
instead in a brotherly way.  Justin looked so vulnerable and there was a
loneliness in his eyes that broke JC's heart.  He was determined not to let
him be hurt like he had been.  He protected Justin like a lioness with her
cub.  He fiercely defended him when the other guys teased him about being so
small or being gay.  JC thought he might be gay, but Justin cried every time
anyone teased him.  So, JC was determined to let this kid grow up without
being teased.  If he could prevent any pain in this world, he was going to!

JC continued to long for Tony as well.  They had kept in close touch over
the hiatus, and it was so great to be back together.  Tony started dating
Keri, and JC could tell it was not just some fling.  He agonized over a
decision to tell Tony how he felt, but he was too afraid.  He couldn't
handle losing another love.  Tony represented perfect love for JC.  They
never fought.  Not even about cleaning the room.  Never.  They could spend
24 hours a day together or 15 minutes and be as close as can be.  JC feared
that there would never be anyone like Tony in his life that was interested
in him the way he was.

JC found himself missing Blain.  He couldn't believe it himself and cried
when he finally admitted it to himself.  Blain was an outlet for JC.  JC
knew that Blain only used him for his own sexual needs, but JC also got to
have sex with a hot guy.  Granted it was twisted and sick and he was a total
bastard, but it was still a sexual release.  JC was horny constantly.  He
looked at every guy in the gym, shower, stage or street.

This problem was solved for JC when he walked into the shower one morning
and caught Ryan beating off.  Ryan blushed and JC blushed.  Ryan noticed JC
looking at him repeatedly and asked him if he wanted to give him a hand.  JC
blushed even brighter, but only hesitated a moment before moving closer to
Ryan.  He knelt before him and took his hard member in his mouth.  JC had
gotten pretty good at this through experience, and he soon had Ryan moaning
and shooting his load down his throat.  Ryan was better than Blain.  He
stayed in the room while JC jerked himself off.  He smiled at JC and said
how great that was and hoped they could do it again.

JC knew it wasn't love or really even lust.  Just sex.  They had sex fairly
regularly the rest of the time they were on the show.  JC would always give
him a blowjob or get fucked by Ryan, and Ryan would watch as JC took care of
himself.  Twice, Ryan actually stroked JC's cock, but it seemed just out of
curiosity.  JC was content.  He could continue to get his sexual needs met,
with a much nicer partner; and he could have his emotional relationship with
Tony.

MMC ended and JC was at a crossroads.  He wanted desperately to have a
normal life and figure out what it meant to be gay.  KC had become his
closest confidant.  He had never told him his feelings for Tony, but KC was
always willing to support JC as he struggled with being gay.  Tony and Keri
were moving off to New York or California to pursue their careers.  They
were practically married.  The last night after the wrap party with the
cast, he and Tony stayed up all night talking.  Tony confided his fears and
dreams to JC for hours.  JC's heart was about to burst.  He had never felt
so close to Tony.  Tony interrupted JC's thoughts by looking at him and
asking, "what's wrong"?

JC hadn't found the words before Tony began shaking him by the shoulders and
begging him to let him know what was going on.  JC burst tears.  These were
all the stored up tears for all the years he had known Tony.  He began
babbling about how much Tony meant to him and that he loved him more than he
had ever loved anyone and that he knew Tony could never accept him and that
he was sorry and he understood if he never wanted to speak to him again.

Tony quietly lifted JC's chin and looked him in the eyes.  "Thank you," he
began, "Thank you sharing that deep and scared part of yourself with me.
Thank you for being my friend and being so concerned that losing my
friendship meant so much to you.  Thank you for loving me.  You are the best
person I know.  For you to love me is more of a compliment than I could ever
hope for.  I actually even wish I were a little gay, so I could return your
love in the way you need me to.  I love you too.  You are a soul mate to me.
  A brother, beyond brotherhood.  Your life touches me daily, and I will
always be a better person for having known you.  But I am not gay.  I wish I
could be who you need me to be.  I wish I could love you like you deserve.
I want you to be happy.  I want you to find a wonderful man that can love
you as deeply as you love him.  Never settle for someone who is just there
to use you or take advantage of you.  Never be ashamed to be gay.  Never
apologize to me again for being gay or loving me.  Never sell yourself
short.  But most importantly, if you ever again think that sharing a part of
yourself with me would cause me to abandon you as a friend as a brother, I
will be forced to kick your ass so hard your teeth will break."

Tony smiled as he pulled JC to him.  He kissed him softly on his lips and
pulled him into a hug.  JC was crying so hard that he was shaking.  He had
let so much out without saying a word.  He knew he would always love this
man that had him in his arms.  He knew it would never be a romantic love,
but that was enough for him.  JC found a special place inside himself, and
he stored all his love for Tony there.  His perfect love for this perfect
man remained pure... it was just not meant to be.

JC wanted to pursue this career he started.  He and a group of friends,
including his buddy Justin, were going to start a singing group.  JC knew if
he did this, he would have to stay in the closet.  No one wanted a gay pop
star.  Shame spread through JC as he pondered this.  He had gotten pretty
good at answering questions with "I'm too busy right now to date" or "the
right girl hasn't come along".  Every time he had to say those statements,
he felt as if he had lost another piece of his soul.

NSYNC was a success beyond his dreams.  JC's whole life had been turned
upside down, inside out and backwards!  The group really clicked, and he
loved the group of guys.  Chris and Joey may have been better suited to be
comedians, but they kept the group lively.  Justin had so much talent in him
that it would explode when he would walk onto stage.  JC had grown even
fonder of Justin.  He had grown up so much over the years.  Not just
physically either.  Physically, Justin had become a hottie!  But Justin
sometimes could display a maturity well beyond his years.  The darkness or
loneliness in him that was evident back in the MMC days was still there.  In
fact it might even be worse now.  When it was just the five guys, he was
fun, fabulous Justin; but around management or even the media at times he
could be almost sullen.

JC threw himself into the band and the work.  He was still terribly
attracted to men.  He almost thought that his sex drive was abnormal.  The
crew, the roadies, his band mates, and the male fans were all constant
sources of sexual frustration to JC.  He felt better about himself after his
talk with Tony, but he had decided he could never come out and be in a boy
band.  He secreted away that side of him still.  He needed sexual relief,
but he needed to remain anonymous.  At night in whatever city they were in,
he would find a seedy bookstore and have quick anonymous sex in the
backroom.  He always left feeling dirty and unfulfilled, but he had gotten
off and that's what he was after anyway.

He had never hated himself for being gay, but he learned that being gay
meant heartache.  It meant meaningless sex without love.  It meant being
lonely and never completely truthful.  No he didn't hate himself for being
gay.  He hated that being gay meant he was alone.

==========

A knock on his door, shakes JC from his world of memories.  He has cried
himself out at this point.  "We're heading to Lance's room for breakfast" JC
hears Joey call into his room.  He responds with a brief "be right there".

He finishes dressing and swears that last night will be the last time he
ever had sex in a dark smelly room with some stranger!  He will no longer be
alone.  Tony taught him to love not only him but also himself.  He had been
having feelings for one of his band mates.  He had resisted them because he
didn't want to get hurt again.  He felt cursed that he could only fall in
love with straight guys that will break his heart.  No... he was going to
push these feelings out of his head.

But, the mid morning sun has burned away last night's fog and JC's fears.
He is going to tell the guys that he is gay.  He is tired of his life being
one big lie.  He wants to find love, and he wants to be accepted.  JC knows
he cannot be open in public, but he should at least be able to be his true
self to those closest to him.

He closes his closet door, smiling to himself at the irony, and steps out
into the hall.  He walks toward Lance's room feeling happier and lighter
than he has in a long time.


Well, that's the second Chapter. I know it was kinda long, but JC has quite
a story to tell!  (I also have a special place in my heart for him!)  As you
can tell, things look brighter for JC now... and who is his newest love?
And will his love finally be returned?

Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to
where
to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com

I want to thank everyone who emailed me their reactions to the first
chapter.  I was truly touched by your kindness.  I want to thank Tommie and
Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading.  I am a
fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that
I eagerly await are: Nsync Lance and JC, search and rescue, not meant to be,
and Nick and Justin... but those are just a few!