Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001 16:51:10 -0500
From: luvjc no1fan <n_luvjc@hotmail.com>
Subject: Heartstrings / Chapter Seven

I know this is a broken record by now, but I want to begin by apologizing
for the delay in getting this chapter out.  I want to thank all of those
people who have been encouraging me to get back to my story.  I can only say
how much I appreciate it.  I've had a miserable semester at school and the
workload between school and work nearly killed me...  Again, thanks for all
your support!  Sorry for disappearing both here and in #boybands. This is my
first story so I love getting feedback on what people like/dislike about the
story so far.  My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com.  I
will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc.

The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it
revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with
'No Strings
Attached'.  As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good
characters, good story and good sex.  I will switch around the focus of the
story giving each character a chance to develop.  They will all have their
secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we
all have our little secrets.  But I can assure you that they won't all have
the same secret.


As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about
the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and
meant for amusement only.  If you shouldn't be reading this because of your
age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male
relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you.



The kiss lasts longer than the day... night has fallen around them but Josh
and Lance take no notice.  Staring into each other's eyes transports the two
lovers away from this world.  Lance is now lying in Josh's arms watching the
stars twinkle in the deep blue pools.  Lance cannot seem to wipe a huge grin
off his face.  "Let's stay here forever", he says.

He is rewarded with another kiss from his boyfriend.  "Babe, the guys are
going to be very worried as it is.  If we were to stay here forever, who
would keep Joey out of trouble?"  Josh says smiling.

"Josh, I'm scared..." Lance whispers.

"Scared... about?"

"Leaving this roof means facing the world, facing my parents, facing the
guys, facing myself.  I've been so screwed up for so long I don't want to go
back there again...  I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it all."
Lance says as tears begin to fall down his cheek.

Josh pulls the blond close to him and wipes a tear from Lances cheek.
"Lance, I've waited my entire lifetime to feel this way and have it
returned.  I promise you, I'm not going anywhere.  We can take things as
slowly as we need to.  I also promise to remind you of this moment, this
love, anytime you need me to.  You were my friend long before this moment
and now, I hope that our love and friendship for each other can grow into
something even more beautiful.  Though it will be hard pressed to be more
beautiful than you."

The sea, that lives in Lance's eyes, mists as he is overcome with his
feelings for his lover.  "Josh, I promise you that I will love you forever.
I only hope I can be worthy of your love.  I feel so screwed up and I cannot
imagine how difficult it will be for you to be with me.  I have no right to
ask for your patience, but I promise that someday I will be worthy of you."

It is Josh's turn to start crying as his heart overflows with emotion.
"Love, please do not talk like that.  When you say that you do not feel
worthy it makes me feel that you think that you are not good enough for me.
I don't want to start our relationship as anything but equals.  I have my
own scars and my own baggage.  You will have to be patient with me.  You
will learn things about me that you wont like.  You will hate me at least
once."  A finger quiets the blonde's attempt at protest.  "Let me finish.
No relationship is easy, but I am willing to give you my best effort if you
will have me.  Lance, will you be my boyfriend?"

The tears pouring from Lance's eyes rob him of the view of his handsome
love's face.  He reaches out and pulls Josh to him and kisses him deeply.
"Yes" is all that he is able to whisper.

The two hold each other tightly and cry.  Tears that profess joy.  Tears
that profess rebirth.  Tears that melt away at old wounds.  Tears that have
been too long denied two young beautiful souls.

"I want to tell the guys." Lance says breaking the embrace.  "I was so awful
to you earlier today.  I am so grateful that you have given me another
chance, but I don't want to hide anything anymore.  I want us to begin our
relationship with no secrets, no hiding, and with our friends around us."

Josh smiles at Lance's courage.  "Babe, I want to shout from the rooftops
too, but we will have to keep it on the downlow in public..."

"Shhhhh... Lance says quieting his boyfriend.  "We'll think about that
later.  Right now, since we're on a rooftop I cannot think of anything I'd
rather do."

"I LOVE JOSH CHASEZ!" Lance screams into the wind.

"I LOVE LANCE BASS!!" Josh echoes adding his tenor to the bass voice.  Their
voices harmonize as they shout again and again and again.  Finally they
collapse into each other's arms laughing and kissing each other.

Lance becomes transfixed in Josh's gaze and starts passionately kissing
Josh.  The urgency they feel cannot be quenched by a normal kiss.  They must
try and get inside the other person.  They must become one.  Lance's hands
begin to move on their own.  He is exploring his love's body.  Rubbing his
chest and broad shoulders.  His thin, tight torso and long graceful arms.
Resisting his prudish upbringing, Lance starts pulling at the button to
Josh's jeans.  He must get at Josh's penis.  He knows nothing else at this
moment.

For the second time in one day, Josh pulls a friend's hand away from his
erect member.  "Babe, I want nothing more right now that to make love with
you until... well forever!  But, you need to give me some time.  I have
jumped into sex way too early, way too many times.  I know you don't see me
as a conquest, but too many people have.  Plus, this is all so new to you.
I want you to be ready as well.  I want us to wait until we are both ready
and not simply horny."

"I know you are right Josh, but how come that still feels like a rejection?"
Lance asks pouting.

"Lance, I could never reject you or withhold you anything!  My life is yours
for the asking.  Please understand that I am not rejecting you, I am trying
to ensure that we will be successful at this relationship.  You are way to
special for me to fuck things up like I normally do."

"Josh, you will never degrade or put yourself down again!  Do you hear me?
You call me special, and yourself trash in the same sentence.  I will not
stand for that!  Sure, you've made your share of mistakes.  As have I.  But,
you only have to look as far as your own reflection in a mirror to see the
greatest, strongest, sweetest, most beautiful human being on the earth."

It is Josh's turn to bury his head in his boyfriend's shoulder and cry the
tears that restore the soul.  "I love you, Lance.  Now.  Forever.  I will do
anything you want, but I think we should wait."

"Shhh... Josh, baby.  Don't cry.  I know you are right.  I have so much to
figure out.  It just seems that at this moment the only thing that feels
right is being with you.  Plus, I have never been with a guy before or..."
Lance's voice fades.

"Or?  You're telling me that you are a virgin aren't you?  And not just with
guys."

"Yes" Lance says, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Then, my darling, sweet man.  If and when you do me the honour of being
your first, I want it to be so special that your feet won't touch the ground
for days."  Josh says, and silently to himself 'as special as mine was not'.

"But if we do it right, doesn't that mean that I won't be able to sit down
for days?"  Lance says and immediately blushes.

"Scoop!  I can't believe you just said that!  You never make dirty jokes.
Hell, I was beginning to think that you didn't have a dirty mind at all."
Josh laughs at his friend and love.

"Well... I do.  I may be inexperienced, and I may have suppressed a lot, but
that doesn't mean that I'm totally ignorant!"  Lance pouts.

"Babe, you're just too cute for words" Josh smiles as he kisses Lance's
protruding lower lip.  "We should be heading back down to Justin's room.
He'll be worried."

"I know hun.  But you'll forgive me if I don't want to share you won't you?"
  Lance says his eyes meeting Josh's.

"Lance, I'll forgive you anything.  As long as we are honest with each other
we can weather anything."

Josh pulls Lance into a tight embrace, and the two young men hold each other
until their hearts start beating in unison.  Finally, Lance pulls apart from
the hug.  "Let's go back downstairs" Lance says.

The stars shine brightly and the moon illuminates each step as two newfound
lovers make their way across the rooftop and into the stairwell.

============================================

Justin can still taste Joey's lips on his own as he ordered several large
pizzas listing off each of his band mate's favourite ingredients.  The young
man is tired and weary.  'What a long day', he thinks to himself.

He lazily flops onto his bed and flips open his laptop.  His mind wanders,
and he notices a painting in his room for the first time.  It is a simple
painting of a purple iris.  But Justin is amazed by the fact that he has
been in this room almost a week now and he has not noticed it.

He is brought out of his musings by the familiar tones of his email program
indicating that he had mail.  He scans the list and smiles as he reads a
note from his mom.  She is describing some antics of his younger brother and
reminding her elder son that he was just like that when he was younger.  He
grins as he responds with a quick 'well then you should count yourself lucky
'cause look how great I turned out to be'.  'I'll write her more later' he
thinks to himself, adding, 'but what will I tell her...'

He shakes the thoughts from his head as he sees the now familiar address and
opens Tay's letter.

=============================================

My dear Randy,

I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about your latest email.  I'm
overjoyed that you have someone to talk to now who knows you so well.  Let
him comfort and nurture you as you gain this new understanding of yourself.
I was troubled by your reaction to immediately seduce your friend.  I
remember all to well the feelings that are pent up inside when you are
hiding who you are from yourself and the world.  Be careful not to confuse
the feelings of loneliness with the feelings of lust.  In both, you desire
to be with someone, but for very different reasons.  I don't want to see you
hurt, my friend.

Yes, we do need to talk about the industry.  I am in it.  Have been so for
most of my childhood and all of my adolescence.  How about you?  I apologize
for keeping myself veiled but it could be very dangerous for my career if
anyone were to find out.  As much as I hate to hide and keep the truth from
those I care about, I know that this is not the right time for me to declare
to the world that one of america's favourite teen heart throb's is a big
fairy!

Wow.. I just realized that took guts for me to even admit that much about my
identity.  You have become dear to me... and before I lose my nerve again...
another reason that I found your email troubling was that I was hoping that
there might be a future for us together.  I know that's foolish.  We don't
even know each other, but from our first encounter, I have felt connected to
you.  I know that sounds foolish.

Anyway, I'm gonna send this before I delete it with my waning courage.  I
hope things work out for you and your friend and hope that you two will be
very happy together...

All the best and hope to hear from you soon,
Tay

======================================================

Justin's mind swirls as he looks up from the screen.  'Tay feels about me
the same way I feel about him!'  Justin cannot bear to take the time to
write a response and wait for Tay's letter back... if he writes back!  His
fingers fly as he clicks the keyboard and touch pad.  In mere seconds he has
logged onto the now familiar chatroom only to curse out loud when he did not
see Tay's name in the list of people who were there.  Realizing that he has
been holding his breath this whole time, Justin exhales and types a
salutation.

======================================================

<*Randy*>  Hi all... hope everyone's doing well.

<Richard>  Hi Randy.  Things are going well with me.  We just got started
actually.  It's been a couple of days, how have things been going with you?

<Petey>  Hi Randy!!  Good to see you!

<*Randy*>  Thanks guys.  Ummm.. things with me are kinda weird atm
actually...  but I don't want to interrupt... I'll wait my turn.

<Richard>   Don't be silly Randy.  We had just begun and nobody else had
started to talk yet.  Why don't you go ahead...  seems like you have a lot
on your mind.

<Tim>  Go for it Randy.

<*Randy*>   okay...  well this great thing happened... sort of...  my best
friend came out to me the other day...  he's great!  Well this is great
because I have someone who is feeling the same way I do to talk to, but not
great because I made a pass at him and he turned me down...

<Petey>	Ouch!

<Tim>		I guess you have become more sure about your own sexuality then?

<*Randy*>	I guess so... I mean yeah, I am gay!  It feels good actually to
say that... scary too...  I'm tired of being afraid and scared...

<Tim>	Sorry guy... why did you make a pass at him anyway?  Had you been
lusting after him?

<*Randy*>	No nothing like that...  at least I don't think so...  I've known
him for years... he's my best friend... he's like a brother to me... I love
him as such...  I think I was just confused...

<Richard>	Sounds like you might not have been rejected by him...  he might
have felt the same way and not wanted to ruin it...

<*Randy*>	That's just what he said!!  And part of me knows he's right... but
it just seemed so ... I don't know...  perfect...  you know?

<Steve>	Randy, I know what you mean for sure...  I was soooooooooo lonely
when I finally came out that anyone that showed me the slightest attention I
instantly fell in love with...  eventually I realized that I was trying to
make myself feel less lonely...  unfortunately, not before I got my heart
broken a few times

<Tim>		A hard lesson eh Steve?

<Steve>	you bet bro!

<*Randy*>	I'm so tired of feeling confused ...  and SO tired of being
lonely...  I have tons of people in my life... but I still feel all alone...

<Richard>	This is going to sound corny but... it sounds like you might want
to spend some time with yourself...  get to know yourself, learn more about
yourself, accept you for who you are... and love yourself...

<Petey>	self-love!  It's a glorious thing!

<Tim>		Babe...  I don't think he was talking about masturbation!

<Petey>	I knew that smartass  *grin*

<*Randy*>	you're right Richard... that does sound corny... but it also has a
ring of truth to it...  arrrrggggg

<Tim>		Give yourself plenty of time right now Randy...  It's like a whole
new world has been opened for you... it's exciting and fun but a bit
terrifying too!

<*Randy*>	Hmmmm... exciting... I guess you could look like it that way...
cool!  I want to have some fun...  does that sound weird?

<Richard>	Not to me...  you haven't talked about it much yet, but I take it
that you were victimized when you were younger...  that frequently takes a
lot of joy away from someone so young when they are forced to grow up so
fast...

<*Randy*>	Stop that! you're going to make me start to cry...

<Bobby>	When was the last time you really cried about it?

<*Randy*>	It feels like I cry about it all the time... but I guess I haven't
cried about it since the first time...

<Richard>	Do you want to tell us about it?

<*Randy*>	it's still really hard...  I've actually never told anyone about
this... but...  When I was younger, I joined this group and the guy that was
helping us out is a real ass...  he was all nice and shit to us for the
longest time...  he pretended that he was like a father to us and then after
a couple of months, he came to me one day and told me that if I didn't have
sex with him he would cancel the group and that my dreams as well as
everyone else's would be in the toilet.  I tried to reason with him... I
tried to cry ... I tried to fight him off... but he overpowered me at every
step...  he...  he...  he raped me that first time... and has been raping me
and degrading me ever since...

<Richard>	Randy, thank you for trusting us enough to share that I know it
can't be easy... both to deal with and to share with someone else...  I am
sorry that this happened to you...

<Petey> 	Me too Randyboy... I'm sorry it happened to all of us... but you
were victimized by the person you were supposed to be able to trust... and
he has hurt you for so long...  I'm so angry at this man and I don't even
know him...

<*Randy*>	Well I do know the bastard and you need to be angry at him...

<Richard>	Randy, YOU need to be angry at him too...

<*Randy*>	I am ...  I am...  or I try to be...  I don't want to hurt the
rest of the guys...  I don't want them to know...

<Richard>	Randy... you're not to blame for that bastard!  He hurt you... he
may have hurt others...  he is totally at fault... you did not ask to be
hurt solely because you had a dream!

<*Randy*>	you happy now richie.. you have me blubbering here!  :)

<Petey>	Richard is always happy when he makes us cry... he says it's for our
own good...  but I think he just likes to

<Richard>	not true.. not true..  Randy, what you're opening up right now is
huge... please make sure you have plenty of people to support you right
now... I don't know what group you're in... but if these guys care about
you, they don't want you hurt... if you care about yourself... you shouldn't
allow yourself to be hurt...

<Tim>		And we're all here for you too...  Tay also, he was on earlier and
asked about you... he said to say hi, but he had to go to a SIA meeting
tonight...

<*Randy*>	that's right...  I keep wanting to look to see if there is a
meeting near me...

<Petey>	Look right now bro!  Don't put off what you can do today!  It's in
the phone book under support groups.

[Justin pulls out the phone book from his bedside table and thumbs to the
section...  He calls from his room thanking the fates that this hotel has
network connections in each room...]

<*Randy*>	Fate must be speaking pretty loudly today guys... 'cause there's a
group that meets close to here and it starts in an hour...

====================================================

Time has frozen.  Justin's hands are clenched tightly to the steering wheel
of the car and his white knuckles showing his stress.  'Well,' he asks
himself, 'you've been sitting here for 20 minutes now... are you going in?
or you going to let that bastard continue to haunt you?'

The pizzas had arrived and Justin shoveled a couple of slices into his mouth
before arranging with the hotel to rent a car for the evening.  As he was
leaving, JC and Lance came back in together...  The whole group was
surprised and relieved to see that they made up.  It looked liked they had
been crying, but were grinning too so he guesses that they were happy again.
  His mind flashes on the confusion in their faces when he announced that a)
going out, b) didn't want anyone else to come along, and c) didn't feel like
saying where he was going.  One pleading look to JC brought him to Justin's
aid.  Justin knows that his best friend knows that with all the new stuff
Justin has faced today, he could really use some time to himself.

Now, he is sitting in his rental car staring into the darkness.  The only
break in the darkness is a dim illumination on a closed metal door.  The one
remaining light bulb in the outdoor fixture is not enough to fend off the
night's embrace.  Justin has watched as strangers have gotten out of their
cars and shifted into the building through this doorway.

"One brown, dented door is all that is standing between me and facing up to
some truths" Justin speaks out loud.  "What is keeping me from going in?"

Of course he knows the answer.  By going in that meeting it will mean
admitting to himself and to others what happened.  The panic-stricken look
on the teen's face makes him look much smaller and much younger than he
really is.  Slowly.  Very Slowly, the blond takes as deep a breath as he can
and moves from the car and into the building in one motion.  He knows that
if he were to break his stride, even for an instant, his summoned courage
would falter and he would bolt!

The room is brightly lit and Justin ducks his head as a number of faces turn
to see whom the intruder is.  Justin nods sheepishly and sinks into a chair.
  A chair that is within arms reach of the door so that he can run if
necessary.  His fears have little to do with being recognized, but he should
worry about that as well.  The baseball cap pulled down over his
distinguishable curls conceals him for the most part.  It's his own demons
that he doesn't want to recognize.  He can tell his cheeks are red as the
meeting resumes its pace.

The meeting flows very quickly, and Justin is almost immediately engrossed
in the stories he is hearing.  He hears people tell of their pains and their
joys.  Their successes and their setbacks.  But ultimately... their
survival.  It is amazing to Justin when he hears his own fears and concerns,
thoughts and emotions coming out of the mouths of others.  'I'm not crazy'
'I'm not alone' and finally 'I will survive'.  Justin tunes in as a guy
about his own age named Mike is talking...

... [Mike speaks ... I was so excited that day too.  It was going to be my
first official day of school in the high school... I was running to get to
school early and took a couple of short cuts that I don't normally do...
anyway.. all of a sudden four guys jumped out and threw me on the ground...
I thought they just wanted my money so I pulled my wallet out and held it
out to them... they took my wallet but apparently were angered because I
didn't have enough money in the wallet... one guy says 'we'll teach him to
hold out on us'... they dragged me behind a dumpster... they starting
hitting me... yelling at me... I begged them to stop... but they wouldn't...
I cried... they didn't care... one pulls out his cock and forces it in my
face... he hissed in my face that if I bit him that he would kill me...
I'll spare you guys more than that... but they all raped me... my mouth...
my ass... my spirit... my mind... my soul... but they left me my life...
when I dragged myself out to the street again I was just in time for a car
load of my fellow high schoolers to see me... they stopped and called for
help...  I recovered from the blows... I can even sleep through almost every
night now...  I can still feel them touching me... I can still smell their
stink... is that weird?  Does that mean I'm crazy?  I really want to thank
Chris who talked the last time I was here.  When he had the courage to talk
about that he had gotten an erection during his attack and did that mean
that he enjoyed it... that he deserved... that he liked it...  that was so
helpful for me... I had so many of those same thoughts... I know some of you
guys here are gay, and that's totally cool, but I didn't know what all that
meant...  It was scary for me to think all of a sudden that I am gay now...
or not a man anymore...  sorry guys I realize that I've started to ramble.
What I really mean to say... is that for the first time in a long time... I
almost recognize myself when I look in the mirror... I am very grateful for
all the support I've gotten here... and I only hope that I can someday give
back to this group even a fraction of what I have gained... thank you

Justin watches as the young man sits back down.  His mind is so filled with
thoughts that he can barely hear the applause people give Mike as he sits
back among his friends.  The young man's emotions echo in Justin's heart.
He squeezes his eyes tightly shut to thank the fates for leading him to this
group tonight and to keep the tears from starting to flow.  His mind is
dimly aware that someone else has started to speak and introduces himself as
Gene...

Justin's eyes shoot open as he recognizes the voice.  He has heard this
voice thousands of times both in song and speech... He slumps in his seat
suddenly panicked that he would be recognized but he is too late... He looks
up at the speaker and has locked eyes with Nick Carter...






Well, that's the seventh Chapter.  I've now officially become one of those
authors who moans at the end of each chapter because they are getting no
feedback... now I know it's been two months since I posted... but I only got
three emails after my last chapter.  So I now beseech you all... I really do
appreciate the emails.  So... Keep the emails coming! :)

Please let me know if you like it so far. Any suggestions you have as to
where to go with the storylines. Again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com

I want to thank everyone who emailed me his or her reactions to the chapter.
  I was truly touched by your kindness.  I want to thank Tommie and Clive
for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading.  I miss them
both as I am not around as much as I used to be...  I am a fan of too many
stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await
are:

Nsync Lance and JC - Kevin... Thank YOU!!!  I loved the latest chapter...
Search and rescue - Matt... Let's keep JC and Matt happy for a while ok?
Not meant to be - Kyle... I was braced for the ending... and it was written
beautifully... but I am choosing to believe that Kyle regains his senses and
goes to Florida!
Nick and Justin - Keep up the good work!
Josh and Just - Get rid of that bitch Stacey!!!
Tears in your Eyes wonderful series full of surprises... thank you for the
epilogue... now if you don't mind one more chapter... I really need to know
that JC is going to be okay :)  !

but those are just a few!