Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 02:54:45 EDT
From: ZeroDQ@aol.com
Subject: Heaven-In-Your-Eyes 5

	I want to thank everyone who decided to write to me recently :) You
gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to continue working on Heaven in
your Eyes :D That said, I think there are plenty of stories that people
should always check out on this site . . . including . . . "Switching
places with Nick Carter", "Intimate Stranger", "Josh and Just", "Changes",
"Twist and Turns", "Open Arms", "This I Promise You", "Because I Love You",
"Justin's Secrets", and "Any Path" :) . . . These are just a few (And I
know I am forgetting some great stories out there . . .); Heh, if you ask
my opinion . . . the best ones are the stories that don't rush the sex ;)

Legal Stuff: If you are reading this, then I hope it's because you are A)
Of the right age, and B) Are accepting of other relationship types (That's
one way to put it I guess :). If either of these don't apply, I ask that
you don't continue reading.

Disclaimer: I don't mean to imply that any celebrity involved in the story
is gay in anyway. (But I do have my own speculations about a few . . . I'll
keep those to myself :)

	"I kissed Brian."
	It was the first thought that developed in Nick's mind as he
finally began to emerge from sleep.  Almost immediately he felt that
familiar surge of uncertainty, that confusing rush of emotions that had
forced him to flee from Brian the night before.  Everything he'd been
taught up to that point, by his parents and teachers, by his peers, told
him that homosexuality was wrong.  Devious, an act that was seen immoral in
the eyes of a God he didn't even know if he believed in.  But . . . there
was something undeniably right in the way that kiss had felt.  Something
that made Nick wish to experience it again, to return to the hallway floor
and be once more on top of Brian.
	He sat up in bed, wrapping himself in his own arms.  He was gay.
There could no longer be any denial to that unwavering fact.  He'd never
been attracted to girls, but that he'd blamed on youth.  On late budding
hormones that would eventually burst forth and open his eyes to the world
of women.  It was a belief that he now realized was so pathetically wrong,
it was almost laughable.
	He was gay.  Those months of discomfort around the other guys, the
strange feelings he'd experienced around Brian.  They all had an
explanation now.  Sure it was a difficult explanation, one that would
possibly ruin his life and career before they'd even began, but it was an
answer none the less.
	"And Brian?"  A voice chimed in at the back of his head.  In his
haste . . . or was it excitement . . . to explain his own feelings, Nick
had forgotten the other participant in his "discovery kiss".  Did Brian
feel the same way?  While drunk, inhibitions had been pushed aside and Nick
had instigated the kiss, but hadn't he felt Brian returning it?
	The joys of self-discovery now began to dissolve away, leaving room
for paranoia to settle in on the young blonde.  What if Brian didn't feel
the same way?  The thought was enough to make Nick want to cry, to bury
himself in his covers and never come out.  He'd have ruined the only real
friendship of his life . . . and maybe permanently sealed his monopoly over
the feeling of loneliness.  He desperately needed to know Brian's reaction,
but his body was gripped by fear.  He couldn't move from the bed.
	His legs felt like jelly and he feared that he'd fall if he
attempted to stand up.  Nick's body simply refused to respond, his muscles
gripped by an unrelenting force that was willing him to remain immobile.
Nick tried to swallow and found a knot in his throat, nearly choking him.
This was stupid, he chided himself, and yet that uncontrollable force still
held his body in its will.
	Nick closed his eyes, trying to banish any of the thoughts that had
greeted him upon waking.  He needed to focus on something else, find an
outlet for his overworked paranoia.  A sound finally began filtering past
the rhythmic beating of his own heartbeat in his ears.  His roommate, AJ,
was snoring.
	He risked a glance over to the other teen, most likely sleeping off
a hangover from the night before.  Raspy, loud breaths echoed out of AJ's
mouth, their intensity surprising Nick.  How could he have been unable to
hear them before?  "That doesn't matter Nick, just focus on the sound."
Nick re-closed his eyes and focused only on the snores of his hotel mate.
Minutes passed, though they seemed to drag on for an eternity, before his
left arm finally responded to his commands.
	He brought it up to his brow, wiping away at the condensation that
had formed.  His entire body seemed to be covered in sweat, a result of his
earlier fears?  He slowly opened his eyes, allowing them to fully adjust to
the early morning light.  He needed to take a shower.  If he kept focusing
on the here and now, perhaps he wouldn't worry about last night and the
what ifs. Perhaps he wouldn't have to think about the possible consequences
of his actions.  Perhaps . . . but it was doubtful.

	When Nick finally stepped out of the bedroom at 11o'clock, AJ was
still fast asleep in bed.  He took the time to lock the door, then turned
to a mirror that was hanging directly perpendicular.  He was showered and
looked the part of a happy-go-lucky kid, though he hardly felt that way.
He was different.  Now a member of a minority, a small group of people that
were undeniably unlike the "norm".  Or was he?  He still looked the same,
his body was unchanged and his blond hair still lay messy on his head.  He
still had that goofy smile and his blue eyes were still piercingly
beautiful.  The only difference were his emotions, his choice on whom he
was going to fall in love with.  He may be gay, yes, but he still felt like
the same Nick Carter that he'd been for the last thirteen years of his
life.  The same Nick that had long known the bitter feelings of longeliness
that he was now striving to escape.
	He jammed his hands into his pockets and turned away from the
mirror.  What he needed was a walk, a chance to clear his mind.  Fresh air
could do that or so he'd heard somewhere in the past.  Nick began moving
down the hall, now using the patterns on the floor to keep his earlier
fears from returning.  He was so transfixed by the roaming red and blue
balls that he didn't notice the footsteps steadily approaching him from his
rear.
	"Nick."  He stopped short and felt a lump permanently forming
within his throat, threatening to suffocate him on the spot.  He turned and
looked up, taking in the sight of the one person who he'd longed to see.
The one person who, at the same time, he feared with all his being.
	"Br . . . Brian."  His response came out choked and he hated
sounding so timid, so child-like.  The older teen smiled slightly, but
there was something in his eyes.  A guarded look, an uncertainty that Nick
would be an idiot to not realize stemmed from the previous night's event.
	"I think we need to talk."

	Nick had once heard a saying about silence being so "thick you
could cut it with a knife."  At that moment, it appeared that he would be
in more need of a machete.  Or maybe a chainsaw.  A word hadn't been spoken
since they'd left the hotel and stepped into Kevin's rented vehicle.  Brian
had "borrowed" the keys for a short drive; fully planning to return them
after things had been sorted out.
	As the car rolled a long, Nick found himself staring out the
window.  Counting pedestrians, studying the shapes in the clouds, anything
was a better alternative then facing his fears.  Anything was better then
turning around and only seeing hatred or disgust wrapped into Brian's
angelic features.  He could feel his body shaking, shivering, but it wasn't
that cold.  He was nervous and frightened; lord he'd never been more scared
in his entire life.  The silence was killing him, Brian's seeming calm as
opposed to Nick's absolute fear only serving to strengthen the flames of
his terror.  Was he feeling remotely the same thing?  How could he remain
so composed . . . when Nick was ready to burst from his skin screaming?
	Brian finally pulled the car off the side of the road, stopping it
beside a wooded area.  Nick finally gathered the courage to turn, shooting
Brian a questioning look.  "Ah I just didn't want anyone bothering us."
The soft voice filled Nick's ears and he was momentarily hypnotized by it.
He hated how much power Brian unknowingly wielded over him.
	"All right."  Nick realized that he was now violently shaking and
his cheeks turned a bright shade of crimson.  He couldn't bare to look at
Brian, instead casting his eyes towards his own lap.  He began to play with
his hands, anything to distract him from the current scene.  He wondered
where that cut on his ring finger came fro . . .
	"Nick."  Startled, his eyes shot up to Brian's.  As they met, Nick
realized that there wouldn't be any escaping.  He was becoming lost in the
crystal blue orbs and he couldn't . . . wouldn't fight the control they had
over him.  A soft hand gently rubbed his shoulder, comforting him.  "It's
all right Nick, I'm not going to hurt you."  Nick nodded dumbly, but his
shaking only subsided ever so slightly.
	"Brian . . . last night I . . . this morning I realized that I
. . ."
	"I'm gay, Nick."  The fear was painfully evident in his voice and
yet, Nick had never heard sweeter words spoken in his entire life.  He
slowly reached up and took Brian's hand, gently squeezing it.  "I'm so
sorry for last night.  For taking advantage of you like that, you know with
that kiss."  It was Brian's turn to attempt to look away, to break their
stare, but he couldn't.
	"Brian it's all right."
	"It's just ah . . . Ah only realized how I felt a few weeks ago.
Didn't tell anyone back home yet, well one friend.  I think she's the only
one that ah could ever bear to tell, I'm afraid of what anyone else would
say.  That's why ah didn't tell you when we first met.  Cause Kevin doesn't
even know yet."
	"Brian . . . it's all right."  Nick smiled, reaching out with his
remaining hand to touch Brian's cheek.  It was warm . . . so inviting
. . . Nick had never felt surer of his sexuality then that moment.  He
leaned in closer, his body and mind for once both screaming the same
message: Go for it.  He could feel Brian's breath on his lips as they
neared, hear the other teen's steady breathing as his eyes closed.
	Then flesh connected on flesh, gently at first and then picking up
urgency.  He pulled back suddenly, glancing into Brian's face for that look
of disgust that he'd feared all morning.  All he saw was desire, passion,
and Nick's heart swelled.  "I'm gay too."