Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 01:55:40 +0000
From: Lady Misterious <lionessy@hotmail.com>
Subject: i am here for you 13
CHAPTER 13-
Although the house had several rooms, that first night they got
there Brian and Nick slept in the same one. Its not like they had never
slept in the same bed before. And it wasn't because they were getting older
that something could happen.
Brian knew Nick had said something about talking to him about his
date with Sarah, but just as he got into bed he slept. Brian did the same,
they would have a whole week to talk and he was sure Nick would tell him
what he wanted sooner or later.
Brian covered them up with lots of blankets to protect from the
cold night. But better than anything was the warmth of love and care they
shared with each other.
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The sun rose shyly the next day when the boys woke up.
Nick rolled on the bed before opening his eyes. He felt a body
lying close to him. Without opening his eyes, only through the brief touch
from that body Nick knew it was Brian. He softly brushed the hair from his
eyes and Nick looked at him.
"Did you sleep well?" - Brian asked.
"Yes. I missed..." - Nick stopped. How could he say he missed
sleeping with Brian without making it sound naughty?
"I missed it too." - Brian said.
"Whoa, now you are reading my thoughts, eh?"
Brian laughed.
"Maybe."
"Not fair!" - Nick joked pretending to be punching Brian, both
guys grinning.
"Oh, Nick! We forgot something..."
"What?"
"Damn, we have nothing to eat here! I mean, I had no idea we were
coming, there is no food!"
"Oh, who needs food?" - Nick asked in a jeer voice making Brian
laugh.
"We do! At least we should buy some if we have plans to stay for a
week. I don't think I can go through only with water. No, wait. Maybe I can
handle this religious process to purify my soul." - Brian said seriously
and Nick looked at him.
"You kidding, right?"
"Yes, you fool!" - Brian said throwing his pillow at Nick.
"I knew you were. Its just that you are all religious, how was I
supposed to know if you had gone insane?
Brian laughed as he stood up and began to get dressed.
"Do you wanna come with me? I know there is a supermarket ten
miles away."
"Wow! Are we really in America? Ten miles?!"
"I told you there is nothing around this place."
"Hey, I'm not complaining!" - Nick smiled. - "Anyway, you can go
by yourself. I'll be right here stretching a little more." - Nick said
lying on bed again and this time occupying all the space on it.
Brian smiled looking at him.
"Ok. I'll be right back." - he said.
"Just one thing, Brian. You have TV here, don't you?"
Brian burst out laughing.
"Yeah, I do Nick. But unfortunately I don't have a Nintendo."
"Shit!" - Nick exclaimed laughing.
"Do you think you can survive half an hour without me?"
Nick laughed.
"I'll try my best!"
Brian laughed too and left for the garage to take the car and go
for a supermarket.
------------------------------------------------------------
After Brian got back and they had lunch both guys got back to the
bed and spent the whole afternoon watching TV cuddled to the blankets of
that cold day. Kevin called to make sure everything was alright. Basically
he was just being himself.
At seven o'clock it was getting dark when Brian invited Nick to
roam a little through the propriety. Both guys got ready by putting lots of
cloths, and soon they were outside feeling that wonderful cold breeze on
their faces.
Nick took a deep sigh.
"I love this smell of fresh grass." - he said.
Brian agreed.
"Ya know, Nick... When this have an end, maybe in five, ten,
twenty years! I'm wanna live in a place like this. I do love the life in
big cities, but this place just makes me stop and think about life... I
love how simple it is and the day I find my soul mate I just wanna bring
her here and be happy forever. Corny as they write in books!"
Nick smiled and nodded.
"I mean, as long as I have this person by my side I won't need
anything else... Life is an adventure, but I believe the only true winners
are those who found that especial person. That one that will make them
forget about anything else. Thats what I want for me... I want to find that
person who will change everything I know about life... I wanna find this
person that will make me not care about money and career... this person
will make me feel special by being loved by her."
Nick was listening carefully to every word Brian was saying.
"Its wonderful being loved by millions of fans... But this someone
will make me the luckiest man on Earth because I'll be loved by them... Do
you understand it, Nick?"
Brian looked at him.
"Sure..." - Nick said.
They were pretty far from the house now, walking through beautiful
gardens with flowers and they could even hear the wonderful noise of a
small fall near them.
Nick was beginning to feel sad. We was upset because he knew he'd
never find this person. How could he find his soul mate when every girl he
tried to touch would just bring his past all up again?
Nick was looking at the ground as he was following Brian until the
fall they had been hearing.
Brian sat on a rock and Nick did the same. The night was complete
now. They could see stars shining through and a beautiful moon sending
it's shine above them.
"Do... do you think you will ever find this girl, Brian?" - Nick
asked, his eyes lost in the moving water reflecting the moon and the
stars. It was like pure silver.
"Of course! Thats what I'm living for... I couldn't even live if I
didn't thought it was possible to find this special person."
Nick swallowed and won the fight not to cry. If only Brian knew he
had no hopes in finding this person...
"Nick... I can feel you are sad." - Brian said softly putting his
arm around Nick's back.
"I'm not..." - Nick smiled. - "I was just in deep thought."
"Oh..."
For minutes the only sound was coming from the water fount.
"Nick, didn't you say you wanted to talk to me about Sarah?" -
Brian broke the silence.
"Yes... I'll talk to you, Bri." - that was all that Nick said
before staring at the silver water again. It was dark and it was cold. But
with Brian there it was bright and it was warm.
Nick had fallen in deep depression. Suddenly life had no meaning.
He couldn't be the rest of his life blaming himself, suffering over
something that had happened in the past. Why couldn't him get over it? Nick
knew many people had gone through this same terrible experience, even when
being kids as he was when it happened. But they got back on their feet! All
of them took some time to recover but sooner or later turned out by
catching up to the world again. Why couldn't him? Specially when he had
the most amazing friend by his side, giving him strength, giving him
faith...
All of these was making Nick dislike himself. He had been acting
just like a cry baby all these years. Nick couldn't forgive himself for
having made Brian bear with this kind of friend that he was. Someone always
needing care, attention, someone that was always trapped in the same
nightmares, someone that wouldn't move on.
Nick had everything someone could want in life... Didn't him?
Maybe it was what Brian had just said. Maybe the day he finds this girl and
he really falls in love with, maybe this day he will be free. But when
would this happen? When...?!
Nick was still deep in thought when Brian's hand lifted his chin
and made him look at him.
"Let's go home?" - Brian asked.
"Yes."
Before Nick could stand up Brian moved closer and pressed his lips
against his, his hand at the back of his neck.
Nick closed his eyes during this time they were kissing each
other's lips. Slowly Brian pulled apart.
"I don't want you to be sad, Nick... no matter what will happen to
us, the day we are both married and not being able to spend much time with
each other... nothing of this will ever matter coz you are a part of my
life I could never take away. Because taking you away from me I can't live,
get it, Nick?"
Nick smiled. Brian deserved the best girl ever by his side.
"Yes, I get it... I know I'm not half of a believer as you are,
but every night I thank God that you are my friend."
This time Brian smiled and they stood up.
"Let's go, I'm freezing!" - Brian said and they both went back
home.
------------------------------------------------------------
It was getting late. The dark night around them. The warmth coming
from the fire Brian lighted and a cold breeze coming from the opened
windows.
They didn't spend all the time together. Right now for example
Brian was at the living room reading a book while Nick was laid on the
large bed, thinking how he would bring the subject up with Brian.
During the two hours Brian was there lost in his reading Nick was
back in the room wondering even why he was gonna tell Brian that. What did
he care? What did he have to do with the fact Nick couldn't get it on with
the girls he wanted? Oh, oh... all this thinking was making Carter
confused.
He hadn't decided what he would do when Brian entered the bedroom
and laid beside him. 'He is always smiling!', Nick thought.
"Nick, this room is fulfilled with your thoughts. I could almost
touch them right now."
'Oh, here he goes again reading me.' - Nick thought.
"Good." - Nick answered and laughed. Brian followed him.
"Nick, can I ask you something? But its something very
personal..."
"Sure, Brian... go ahead."
"You are still virgin, right?"
"Oh, well, that wasn't much of question, it was more of an
affirmation, ya know."
"I'm sorry." - Brian said.
"No, don't need to be sorry. And yes, I am." - Nick thought for a
while and continued sadly. - "Or should I say no, I'm not?"
Brian looked at him.
"I'm not virgin, Brian. Not since I'm fourteen years old. But no,
I never had anything after that 'incident'."
"Why not, Nick? You are always going out with the most amazing
girls, you know you are good looking, they love you, you care for them... I
would never rush you, I just don't understand..."
"Good night, Brian." - Nick said turning around.
"Oh, Nick, please! I'm so sorry, please forgive me! I shouldn't've
brought this up!"
Nick didn't reply to this. He kept facing the wall without moving.
Brian reached out his hand and touched the back of Nick's head.
"Nicky, please... I'm sorry..."
"It's O K!" - Nick said loudly without moving.
Brian took his hand away and sighed.
Still lying in that position, his back to Brian, facing the wall,
Nick began to talk.
"I'm not virgin because I want to be. I've tried many times to go
further whenever I'm with a girl. But I can't. I just can't. Every time I'm
close to have sex, to make love, whatever... all those images come
back. Not images from Taison spanking me... In my head I see those foggy
scenes that happened in seconds when he made me kneel on the bed. I could
kill Taison for that. I honestly could kill him for what he did to me. Not
only physically, but he ruined my life! Every time a girl is touching me,
you know what I mean, I can't help but feeling dirty and wonder: Would she
be touching me like that if she knew what happened to me? And the answer is
always no, no, no!..."
Nick took some air.
"I blame myself coz I know it's all in my head, I know I'm the
only one capable of making those memories go away..."
Nick sighed.
"Before you were saying all those things about finding the one...
that someone who will make everything worth... that person that by touching
you will make you thank God for your life... And I know I'm never gonna
find this person, Brian... Because when I do, if I ever do, I won't let
them touch me! I... I'm so stupid, I know! It's been three years and I'm
still afraid people that touch me is gonna hurt me! I couldn't allow Kevin
to comfort me... I was afraid! Do you have any idea of what it is living
with the fear one of your best friends will just decide to go mad and rape
you? Or spank you? I would not believe any of this shit if I hadn't been
through it myself..."
Nick was staring at the wall. Maybe Brian wasn't even there
anymore. He was so quiet...
"I still thought it'd be fine because I do like it when girls
touch me... I... I'm not gay!"
Nick was feeling a pressure inside his throat telling him if he
went on he was gonna cry.
"Brian... I've already heard members of my own family saying this
about me. Always because I was different. While the other boys wanted to go
out with girls I wanted to sing, I wanted to perform... While people were
studying I was dreaming about being in the show business... But I never
liked guys, everyone has always thought this about me! And after
the... rape, it's been even worse for me. I can't deny a man abused me. And
because of that I can't let people touch me..."
Nick took his hand to his lips. They were trembling as he was
already crying.
"This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me... Now that
I can finally get girls to go out with me... - coz of money, fame?
Whatever! - Now that I have this going on I can't... I just can't let them
touch me. All the dates I've had... All the girls you hooked me up
with... Always when I got home I was frustrated because they wanted to
touch me and my mind didn't let me. I keep remembering those words Taison
said the last time we saw him... 'I loved fucking you, Nick... you felt so
damn good... Oh, you were so tight...' This things he said broke the last
pride I had inside... With simple words he took away my honor, he ruined my
life. He made me feel like shit! I wonder how people would look at me if
they knew what Taison did... They would probably be disgust."
Nick was silent. He decided to turn around. Brian was probably
asleep by now.
When Nick's eyes found him Brian was crying.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you Nick... I should have never
let you go with Taison..."
"It doesn't matter, Brian. Its in the past and wasn't your fault.
If there is anyone to blame its definitely me. I just have to live with my
fear... Its already inside of me... This fear is under my skin, its inside
my brain, its filling up my heart... And its just too strong..." - Nick
cried and Brian held him.
He turned off the lights and kept Nick inside his arms.
After a little time caressing him Brian broke the silence.
"Nick, how come you don't feel scared when I touch you?"
"I don't know." - Nick said looking at him. - "I'm just not afraid
when you touch me."
Suddenly Nick rolled on the bed and put his hands over his head.
"I'm sorry I told you that coz you can't take this pain away! No
one can..." - Nick cried.
Slowly Brian crawled on top of him and let his hand make a path
through Nick's hair until he took his hands away and Brian could touch his
face.
"Nick, no one is gonna hurt you again... you don't need to fear
anything, I promise you..." - Brian whispered into his ear.
"I can't believe it!"
Brian rested his head in Nick's neck, kissing him softly there and
on his lips until he stopped crying.
Nick looked deep inside Brian's eyes.
"After everything you've done for me I'm gonna hurt you, Brian."
"What do you mean, Nick?"
"You have to hate me, Brian."
"Why?"
"Because I love you, thats why."
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