Date: 12 Sep 2000 18:54:41 -0700 From: Lee McDougal <lefteyefan-1@tlcfanmail.com> Subject: "If You Were To Hold Me" Chapter 5 Here's another chapter for you. I hope you enjoy it. Send me your thought, or suggestions to lefteyefan-1@tlcfanmail.com Check out my webpage at http://home.gay.com/leo1980 "If You Were To Hold Me" Chapter 5 September 12, 2000 I've never been much for diaries. But here we go. Our flight last night went OK. Emerald clung to AJ instead of Blake. He was setting with me. Brian and Nick were behind me. The four of us were getting along quite nicely. Nick and Brian were a lot like I heard.best friends. But I could tell that on different level Brian also was beginning to share that relationship with me. I could relate to his sexuality, unlike Nick. We slept at hotel, and this morning I woke up in the same room as Blake. No we didn't share the same bed.We just aren't ready for that yet. We probably should of though.who knows how much time we will have in a comfortable bed.tour bus life is unpredictable. But anyway. I just got this laptop last night from Blake. He said I could use it to update the Diamond Dolls website. I would enjoy that part of my job. I got to stay up-to-date with the web world. Anyway.I got distracted again.LOL! We spent today at a video shoot for the boys. The girls had a good time. The guys seemed to be enjoying it too.though I'm sure at this point video shoots are like routine for them. I was surprised to find out that it was the girls' first. I told Blake that we need to shoot a video for the girls. Where maybe the people at the concerts might know who they are. Blake called the record company, and they agreed to give us one day of shooting. So tomorrow while the Backstreet Boys finish their video.we will be working on the Diamond Doll's first video. We had to come up with a concept pretty quick.and with only one day. It so happened to be that Emerald happens to be an amateur filmmaker. She had been filming things that actually related to their first single.so we decided to use that with the video. And the rest could be them lip sinking to the music. Of course we had to get Rose to send the film express mail. We hoped it would make it in time.but even if it was late. We could still edit it in later. We might only have one day for shooting, but I'm sure we could talk them into some extra time for editing if need be. Well, it's getting late.and I must get to bed.I'm going to sleep with Blake tonight-not in the sexual sense. I just want to cuddle with him tonight. And he isn't complaining any either. <Smiles> September 13, 2000 The video shoot went great. And we got the film from Rose. The editor did a great job linking the stuff together. And best of all the video was real! It had homeless people, it had prostitues.it had all the sad things that most people just look over. We had to blur out the faces mind you.but the point would still get through. We sent the video off to the record company. They assured us it would find it's way to MTV, and a few of the other music video type channels. We weren't expecting a lot of circulation since it was their first video. But the girls were really proud of their work. The guys finished their video too. I got to see the finished product, and I know I am biased but.the girls looked great in the video. Between the two videos I was sure the girls would get some much needed and deserved attention from the public. I managed to convert both of their videos to real video format so I could watch them on tour. After okaying it with Blake's boss I set about putting the video on the website as well. The tour dates were up too. Tomorrow we were going to do our first concert. I couldn't wait to see the girls do their show. And I was equally excited to see what the Backstreet Boys had planned for their concert. Ruby and I had dinner together tonight. We hadn't spent much time together lately, so it was nice. I don't know what brought it up, but I shared my song with her. She really seemed to like it. She suggested I send it to Edwin and see what he thought. But I wasn't ready for that yet. If only there was a way to try my song out in front of a crowd. Well, there's one way, but I'll have to talk to Blake about that. September 14, 2000 The first show rocked. Ruby and Emerald were on fire. The crowd really enjoyed it too.I think if they weren't so excited to hear the Backstreet Boys, they probably would have asked for an encoure. Oh well, the girls were just an opening act, yet still in my eyes they were already stars. I guess I was their biggest fan. The boys did a good job too. They did mostly song from their new album and songs from there last cd. Though they did some of the older songs as well. I really enjoyed it. I got to see them from side of the stage. So I could see really good.and hear.well I think I lost my hearing, but it sounded great! Brian would smile at me during the times between songs. And to see him smile at me.well, it just made me weak in the knees. I used to fantaize about that boy.and now he was my friend? Life is odd. Sometimes I wish that Blake was straight.that way I could go after Brian.LOL! But then again.I'm sure things happen for a reason. So if I'm meant to be with Blake, then good. He's a really sweet guy, and cute too. Was he as cute as Brian? Um.maybe.oh don't ask that.you'll do my head in. Well, the point is.I'm going to be sleeping alone tonight. With Blake above me. Yep, it's our first night on the bus. Across from me was Nick and Brian. The girls had their bunks right down the hall from us. With a curtain drawn. I don't know why they felt they needed their privacy.after all Nick has a girl, and the rest of us are gay..LOL! Well, I'm off to sleep. We have a show in Nevada tomorrow. Have to call Mom and let her know where we are going. September 15, 2000 Mom told me last night, that Grandma had moved in with her. I thought that was nice. But she also said that Grandma was getting worse.which made me cringe. I just hoped she would get better soon. I love my Grandma to death. The ride wasn't so bad..since I slept through most of it. We got a room for the night too.we had the next day off. Tonight's show went good too. I have to say that life on tour so far is.boring. But ok. The first show was great.cause I hadn't seen it. But the second one was like a rerun.so I wasn't too thrilled. Before the show Brian and I went to dinner. It was fun spending some alone time with him. We got to continue our conversation on being gay in the music industry. He told me that he was going to come out of the closet close to the end of the tour. He was tired of living a lie. If him being gay hurt the group, he would leave. He seemed to be very confident in his decision. I was proud of him. I promised him that I would be there for him. And I would be. What are friends for? September 18, 2000 It's been a while since I got to write in this thing. The last few days have been crazy. The girl's video made it to the top five on TRL. So MTV wanted them to do an interview. So we had to fly to Newyork, do that show, and then fly back to do the next show on the tour. It was fun meeting Carson again.well, I only saw him for a few seconds a while back. It was at TLC's last show of the Fanmail Tour. :-) He didn't remember of course, but I wasn't surprised. He turned out to be a nice guy though. The girls just happened to be number 3 that day, and they got the chance to peform "Together Somehow" live on National TV! It was really cool. The Backstreet Boys were going to premire there new video the next day.so they had to do the flying over thing too. Seeing the girls in their video just further their popularity. They shot up to number 2 after that. They were right below Backstreet Boys. The interview on TRL went mostly like this. "So what's it like being on tour with the Backstreet Boys?" Carson asked. "Well, it's fun. The guys are all really nice, expecially AJ." Emerald answered him. "What about you Ruby, who's your favorite Backstreet Boy?" Carson asked. "Well, I guess it'd have to be Howie. He's really sweet." She told him. "That's great. So how did it come about that you guys are in the video with them, that we are actually premiering tomorrow?" Carson asked. "Well, the guys had heard our music, and saw some publicity picutures they got from our record company. And they were impressed by us. So they wanted us to do the video with them. We also are recording a song with them for there new cd. It's going to be awsome." Ruby told him. "I'm sure it will be. Your video is doing really good here, and I hope you will all come back and see us." He told them. "We'll do our best to check back with you Carson." Emerald told him. With that they went to the next video. The girls were on cloud nine. With the popularity so high.Edwin knew it was time to release their album. So now we were doing more promotion, along with the tour. It was crazy. The girls were getting spread out pretty thin. We were all tired, and cranky. But hopefully it would pay off. The sales on the cd was great for the first week. We were all hopeful. We finally are getting to sleep in a hotel tonight. And have the day off tommorow. Thank God! September 20, 2000 I was looking over the schedule and realized that we were going to be in Alabama in about 3 weeks! I couldn't wait! I was going to take my free time to go see Mom and Grandma. I was going to get Blake to go with me too. I'm sure he'd like to meet my Grandma. Tonight show was.was.different. Um, I am still in shock about what happened. I talked to Blake about my song a few times.and the Girls both liked it.and they came up with some music that was fitting to it. I thought the girls were going to do the show.but after they did their first two songs.they drug me out onto the stage! I froze at first.but after the music started.some how I managed to start singing. I wasn't doing very good at first. But I got better soon. The crowd seemed to like it too! I was so excited. After that I ran off stage and the girls did their final song. Needless to say I put Blake in a head lock. When I asked him why he did that.he said. "I've heard you sing in the shower enough to know you have a nice voice, so we just got to let people hear it now!" So from now he wanted me to do my song at the shows. I was nervous about the concept, but so be it. Brian said he liked my song, and that he wanted to know the story behind it. So I set down with him and told my story. Brian said that he wanted me to work with him on a few songs he had written. I wasn't sure what he had in mind, but I thought any reason to hang out with Brian was good! September 25, 2000 Brian and I have been working together a lot lately. He will play with his guitar and I'd provide lyrics. Together we had come up with about 5 songs. We didn't have a recording studio in the bus, but we did have a small tape recorder. Brian and I recorded what were doing. We are going to send a copy to Edwin, and Brian is going to send a copy to his record company as well. Brian thinks I'll get a record deal. I was excited by the concept. My dreams really were coming true. Blake was cheering me on as well. He thought that my new songs were great. I was still performing "Been Loving You" at the shows. I was still nervous when I went on stage, but it was a bit easier now. The girls always introduced me, as "their friend Tony" so as it went.Tony was my stage name. Tony sounded more like a performer than Anthony anyway.LOL! 2 weeks till Bama! I was so excited. Mom said that she was going to come to our show too. I would be glad to see her in the audience. But would it make me more nervous? September 27, 2000 I can't believe it but both the boys' company and our want to record my music. I was shocked. We had a meeting with the heads of both record companies. And it was decided that I would go with both, it would be a combination that would not only bring more publicity to my CD, but also help to further Sandlot's public awareness. I still needed about 5 more songs for a full album so I was going to work with some writers in the business. Things were really moving fast. My head was spinning. September 30, 2000 I've taken off from the tour for the time being. I am going to spend the weekends working on my album. And stay with the tour from Monday through Thursday. It wasn't the best way to record a CD a little at a time, but it was the best I could do. I was under contract to work this tour. Luckily it was paying off too though. I was still doing my song; so more people were hearing it. We decided to release it as a single, and see how much air play it got. If it did well enough I would get to do a video. I was crossing my fingers. To do a video would be a dream. Brian actually got to play on the recording of that song and he promised to be in the video with me.if it comes to be. I was excited about that. I couldn't believe it, in about a week, I would be able to buy a single with my picture on it! And in a few months, hopefully, I'd have my first CD out. October 1, 2000 They are moving fast promoting my music; I actually heard my song on the radio! It was playing at my home state station. The Q was playing my stuff! I had to listen to it over the net, but it was still cool! I couldn't believe I was hearing my voice on the radio.And surprisingly enough, I sounded good! I was on top of the world. It doesn't get any better than this! Blake and I were getting closer too. We spent every night together that we could. We were both usually too tired for much more than making out and cuddling though. I knew it was getting close to time for us to take the next step, but I wanted it to be special. And I had a few ideas of what to do. We had a good day in the recording studio. I was pleased with the work we had done. I would join the guys back on tour tomorrow. But tonight I was sleeping alone. October 2, 2000 Well, imagine that.tonight we are in Texas. And believe it or not, some guys had signs for me! I guess my song was playing in Texas too.wow! I feel special! One really cute guy held a sign that read. "TragicMagick Loves Tony." Well, I was glad I had a gay following. :-) That was always a plus. I knew that was the group the song really related to anyway. October 7, 2000 Edwin told me that I was free to go record some on Thursday since we all had an off day. Brian and Blake said they would spend their freeday helping me. Brian hadn't got a chance to do much playing on their cd's, but he was enjoying being a part of mine. And I enjoyed his playing too. He was really talented. Blake was enjoying my work too, but I knew he had to do something.so I put him to doing background on the songs I was working with today. He had a nice voice. Brian offered to do the background, but I told him that people would buy my album just to hear him.if he did that. I told him how it was important for me to make it as solo permormer, not just weeze off his popularity. "Are you sure man? I know it would help the sales, and it'll still be your voice doing the main singing." He pleaded his view. "I know man, but I just want this first cd to be about me. On the next one we'll talk!" I said smilling at him. After finishing up for the day, Brian headed back to the group. Blake and I however went out to eat. We had a good evening. He wasn't going to fly back to the morning. As we got back to the hotel Blake and I sat down on the couch and kissed for a while. Then he said the words I longed to hear. "Anthony, I know we haven't been together long, but.I love you." He told me. "I love you too!" I said and held him close to me. I've never been happier. I had my music, and I had the man I loved. What more could I dream of at this point in my life? October 6, 2000 Blake and I spent the night kissing and cuddling. I was going to suggest we go farther.when suddenly I feel asleep. I guess I had pushed myself too far that morning in the stuido. But it was worth it. A couple more weekends like this, and I'll have it ready! Blake flew back to join back with the tour, and I went back to help edit some of the stuff we did yesterday. At this point the cd was around 70-80% ready. I wanted to record a few more songs that Brian and I had written, and a couple that the industry had shown me. After that, it would just be editing, picking out the track listening.and boom! I've got my first record! I was so busy working with my record, that I almost forgot.Monday I would get to see my family! Wow! That's so cool. I called mom to remind her of that fact too. She said that Grandma wasn't much better, but not any worse at least. I was hoping for better news.but oh well. October 7, 2000 Edwin told me that it was time to do a video for my song. So next weekend I'll be shooting that. I had done a lot of recording today anyway. I would have the actual recording part done tomorrow, most likely. The guys at the studio keep telling me to slow down, but I just can't. I'm too excited. Everyone seems to think it's sounding great though. I called Blake first to tell him about the video, and then Brian to remind him of his promise. He agreed to do it again. It turned out that they had Sunday off, so he would have to do the video shoot then. We were going to do the rest on Saturday. Friday, I was going to help edit what we had.and if the company okay's it.the cd will be ready. In around a moth's time, I have managed to get my cd together. I know that's unusal, but true. But then again.I had a lot of help! October 8, 2000 Recorded the last song for the cd. It's all ready for editing and such on the following Friday. I couldn't wait. Of course just because it's finished doesn't mean it'll be out anytime soon. It was up to the head cheezes.LOL! I headed back to the group early. That way I can ride with them to Alabama. I can't believe it! I'll get to see my Mom! Blake had already agreed to go with me, and Brian and Nick want to go too. So it should be fun. I know my mom will be surprised to get to meet some pop stars. Grandma won't know them.but I explained that to them already. "It might be nice to be around someone that doesn't know us." Nick said. "Yes, and it's always nice to be in a family environment." Brian through in. "We'll just introduce you to Grandma as my friends. She probably won't remember you anyway." I told them sadly. Her mind was mostly gone. "I'm sorry dear." Brian pulled me into a hug, and Nick hugged me too. I got over my depression pretty quick.I was in a Backstreet Boys sandwich! Who could be deppressed? Were on the bus, and now heading towards Alabama! In just a few hours, I'll be in my home state, and then in about another hour I'll be home! To be continued. Well, that was different. I have never written in a diary format before, but it turned out pretty nicely I think. Let me know what you guys thought of it. Drop me a line at lefteyefan-1@tlcfanmail.com I will most likely be in normal mode next time, but this was fun! Oh on another note, sorry if the whole deal with recording the record so fast angered anyone.I know nothing about recording a cd.but for the stories sake.I thought it best to go through it fast. LOL!