Date: Wed, 9 Mar 2005 17:52:25 -0800 (PST) From: Michael Bryan <mzbryan2003@yahoo.com> Subject: JC and the Actor (Chapter 40) JC and the Actor, Chapter 40, Copyright 2005 ---------- The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't read this. Below, I present to you the conclusion of "JC and the Actor." It has been a wonderful experience writing this story and one that I doubt I will ever forget. I've met some truly incredible people along the way, and the feedback from all of you readers out there has been inspirational and greatly satisfying. This chapter took as long as it did to complete in an attempt to bring the story full circle, to leave no loose ends and hopefully, to conclude the story in a way that will be satisfactory to all of the readers, despite their varied and well-stated opinions of what they wanted to see happen. Please send your comments to mzbryan2003@yahoo.com. ---------- Chapter 40 Part ONE: It was love at first sight. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. For some people, a face appears in a crowd and they become a hopeless romantic. For others a face drifts across a movie screen and a permanent object of desire is created. For me, an actor stepped out onto a stage in an old New York theater, and something told me my life would never be the same. In an instant I knew that I was seeing something I would never see again. It was the first time another person had literally taken my breath away. "You ok?" Justin had whispered to me, his eyes still facing the stage. "Yeah," I nodded, wishing at that moment for the whole world to disappear and to leave me alone with the man making his way across the stage. His hair was thick, dark and curly. His voice was deep and his pattern of speech was deliberate. His proportions were perfect, and you could immediately tell that he knew that. Never at any point in my life had I been prepared for this feeling. If anything, before leaving for New York in the summer of 2004, I had distinctly made the decision to stop letting myself get close to people. It wasn't that I went through my life with people hurting me, but they also didn't do much to impress me either. In the previous couple of years I had really started to grow more and more disappointed with the people I was meeting. I needed for something to change and, looking at the man in front of me that day in May, I wondered if he could possibly be part of that transformation. The actor had just exited the stage when I immediately started flipping through my theater program, needing to know his name. Nathaniel Murray. He was twenty-six. He was a graduate of a New York theater arts school. He had a handful of parts on Broadway and even more roles off-Broadway. He had been in an episode of the television series, "ER." The small headshot next to his biography didn't even begin to do him justice. "Cameron says he's great," Justin whispered to me, pointing at the picture he must have known I was staring at. I was seated on his left and Cameron Diaz was to his right. "He is," I said, closing the program, not wanting to make eye contact with my band-mate. "She says we should go backstage afterward," he said. I turned and looked at him. He was smiling and wiggled his eyebrows a few times. "Justin, I don't know," I stammered. I always got flustered whenever I didn't have my thoughts completely organized. "We have to," he said. "We're celebrity audience members." He leaned in closer to me. "And, not for anything, but Cameron just told me to tell you that no one that good looking could be straight." I feigned a bit of laughter and turned back toward the stage. "Well, what does that say about you?" I said quietly, followed almost immediately by a sharp pinch on my arm. ---------- The second act was well under way when Nathaniel Murray entered the stage wearing nothing but a towel. I had already decided that this is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but now I was being forced to decide if my feelings were of love or of lust. Every movement he made seemed to have a sexual feeling to it. My eyes wandered through the crowd, wondering why everyone didn't look like they were witnessing the finest moment theater had ever produced. Soon the towel came off and there he was. All of him. Naked. A soft whisper whipped through the audience. I lowered my theater program to my lap and adjusted myself in the seat. This was embarrassing. I was witnessing high art and here I was with a hard-on, thinking the most lurid of thoughts. I told myself to focus on the play and to stop thinking like an adolescent. Slowly I reentered the world being created on the stage and soon I found myself totally hypnotized, totally enraptured by the words coming out of this naked Nathaniel Murray's mouth. He delivered a ten-minute monologue and I realized that not only was I experiencing something new for the first time, but so was the rest of the audience. This Nathaniel Murray. This Adonis, bearing his body to hundreds of people, was the best actor I had ever seen. The entire audience knew that they were witnessing the birth of a star, and for a moment, I almost felt a bit of jealousy. How could one person have everything? How could he look the way that he did and still be so in touch with his humanity that he could bare his soul on stage on a nightly basis? How could the world even let such a person exist? That was when I knew that he truly had to be an exceptional human being, and I suppose that is also when I knew that, even if by some twist of fate I was able to be with him, I would someday lose him. I knew that I was a good person, and I knew that I was capable of true and long-lasting love. But I also knew that he was perfect, and I didn't know what perfect people were like. --------- Three weeks before going to New York, it was just another Saturday night in Los Angeles. Another night on the Sunset Strip at whatever club had just been named the "hottest" in LA. I had recently broken up with a guy who had produced some of my music. It was no big deal really. I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but I had apparently become too lazy to go out and look for something else. Yeah, pretty lame. I was standing by the bar, sipping beer out of bottle while talking to my "sometimes" good friend, Simon Rex. "Dude, you're like totally depressed right now," he said. "No, I'm fine," I said. "I'm just a little tired." "Come on, dude. I know what you're going through and let me just tell you. The best thing you can do is get right back out there." "I'm really not that upset," I said. "Just kind of wondering what it's all about, you know?" "Do I know what it's all about?" he asked, his eyebrows moving toward each other. He was drunk, but doing his best to understand me. "No," I started. "That's not what I meant. I mean, well, it doesn't matter." "Whatever," Simon said. "Just pick someone up and fuck their brains out tonight. It will show you that there is still so much out there." "Is that your professional opinion?" I asked, taking another sip. Truth be told, I was acting sarcastic, but had been thinking all day long that maybe "no strings attached" was the best way to go. Maybe if I could just accept that the whole world was nuts, then I wouldn't have to take it so seriously and could start having a lot more fun. "Besides," I continued. "No one here is really my type." "Oh, are you wrong about that," Simon said, almost interrupting me, his eyes cast toward the club entrance. I looked as well, and saw Kerr Smith making his way through the crowd. His time away from "The Creek" had done him well. "He's not gay," I said inquisitively to Simon. "Isn't he engaged or married or something?" Simon looked at me and wiggled his eyebrows a bit. "Don't mention that kind of stuff, and I think you might have yourself an interesting evening," Simon said. I turned back to see Kerr walking toward us. I could tell that his large, muscular arms were straining under his leather jacket. This could be a very interesting evening, indeed. "He looks like he could break me in half," I said, already wondering how and if I could do this. "Is that a bad thing?" Simon laughed. "Kerr!" he yelled, motioning him over and pulling him into a requisite heterosexual greeting. "How you been man? You know J.C., right?" "Yeah," Kerr said with his cute smile. His sapphire blue eyes were beautiful, but at the moment romance was the least thing on my mind. Suddenly, I just wanted to score. It was nothing I hadn't done before, but not too recently, and not normally without a lot of regret. I too performed the requisite heterosexual greeting with Kerr. "We've run into each other a bunch of times," Kerr said, looking right at me. I nodded at him with a bit more understanding than I should have, but he already seemed to be taking notice. This was going to be easier than I had thought. "Listen, you guys chat," Simon began, moving Kerr to replace him where he was standing beside me. "There's a little blond over there who is dying to have me talk to her." Simon gave me a quick wink, and then he was gone. "He's a nice guy," Kerr said, his eyes shifting around the bar area, his hands rubbing together. "Yeah," I nodded, taking the last sip of my beer. ---------- An hour or so later I was in my bedroom, on my knees, blowing Kerr at the foot of my bed. I knew that had I not gotten myself so drunk, this probably wouldn't be happening, but for the time being I sure didn't mind. In general it was easier to hookup with other celebrities. We knew how to keep things quiet and uncomplicated, and we didn't have to entertain awkward moments of signing autographs after we were through. "Damn, you're good at that," Kerr said, leaning back, resting on his elbows. "Lots of practice," I smiled briefly before returning to his engorged member. He wasn't huge, but he was thick...and very hard. "You really just into guys?" he asked. I almost sighed with irritation. Was he going to want to have a conversation right now? "Pretty much," I said. "I like girls," he said. "But guys just know how to give you what you really want." "Um, yeah," I said, wanting to get back to doing what I was doing. I took him down to the base of his cock, and he moaned loudly. His hands crossed and he pulled up the bottom of his shirt, tossing it onto the floor and putting his hands behind his head as he lay back on the bed. I lifted my head up to admire his expansive chest, with its perfect, round nipples and the sparse hairs between his pectorals. I didn't know how far he wanted to go, but I was willing to find out. I left his cock and started dragging my tongue up his body, across his smooth six-pack and onto his nipples. I guessed that it was ok because he continued to sigh, although he had now closed his eyes. We were roughly the same height, but Kerr's body had to be twice the width and thickness of my own. It made me feel scrawny, but then again I knew that was part of my appeal. Having enjoyed his chest and arms for long enough, I moved back down to his cock, which was still hard, its fat head resting on his stomach. I blew him for about another five minutes before his legs started moving off the floor and onto the foot of the bed. I turned my attention to his balls and the skin behind them, and was happily met with Kerr's moaning approval. "Play with my ass, dude," he said. "I like to get my ass played with." He lifted his knees up more and I saw his smooth pink hole. Happy to oblige and apparently unaware that I was being ordered around, I did as I was told. Soon I was blowing him with two of my fingers up his ass, knowing that he wasn't going to last much longer. My own cock was painfully hard in my jeans, and I was secretly praying that he would next beg me to fuck him, but something told me that Mr. Smith still had some boundaries. A familiar grunt came from above and I removed the head of his cock from my mouth, concentrating my lips and tongue on his shaft as he shot, my fingers quickly working in and out of him. "Dude, that was great," he smiled, lifting his head to notice the cum all over his stomach. "I'll get you some tissues," I said, standing up slowly, a bit afraid that too sudden of a movement would make me cum as well. Well, it was done I supposed. And I was starting to sober up. Kerr cleaned himself up and then stood up so that he was directly in front of me. I didn't really know what to expect from a "part-time gay" so I stepped back when he stepped forward. This continued until I was against my bedroom wall, at which point Kerr placed his left hand on the wall next to my head and began unbuttoning my jeans with the other. He never broke eye contact as his hand reached into my boxers and started stroking my cock, which had already been leaking for some time. I let out a gasp as he pressed his body closer to mine. Instinctively I leaned forward to kiss him, but he turned his face away and kept on stroking. "Not into that," he said calmly, his hand moving faster and faster up and down on my pole. He looked down briefly and smiled. "Damn," he almost laughed. "That's a big cock." I had closed my eyes at this point and pressed the back of my head against the wall. I wanted to cum quickly and I was very close. His hand started to move faster and faster, and after a long groan I came all over his hand, my head slumping forward onto his powerful shoulder as I began to recover. "Thanks," I found myself saying, not really sure why. "No problem," he said, letting go of me and going back to the tissue box to clean himself up. "Wouldn't be fair to leave you all worked up like that." I smiled briefly as I slipped my cock back into my shorts and buttoned my jeans back up. "I trust you're discreet," he said, pulling his jeans up and pulling on his shirt. He reached for his jacket, which was still up on the bed. "Of course," I said. It had never occurred to me to be any other way in this business. "You're a cool guy, J.C.," Kerr said, now with his jacket on. "Um, thanks," I said. Now I just wanted to go to bed. "You too." He smiled politely and nodded slightly. "Ok, then," he said. "Well, see ya around." He walked toward the bedroom door. Thirty more seconds and this would all be over. "Oh," he said, stopping on his way out. "I almost forgot. Would you mind signing something for my kid sister? She loves you guys." ---------- "Stop acting like a doofus," Justin had said. We were in the midst of walking backstage. "Let's just tell the guy we liked his play and then we'll be out of here." Since the curtain closed I had been completely silent. I knew that I would be meeting Nathaniel Murray in a matter of minutes, and just the idea had apparently put me in shock. "He's never going to fuck you if you just stand there not saying anything," Justin laughed. I glared at him and shook my head. To him, it was all so easy. He had no way of knowing that I was tense because I had not contemplated Nathaniel Murray when I had decided to give up on love. A couple of days after my encounter with Kerr, and after an extremely regrettable experience with a girl who, at the time, I only knew was a dancer, I sat on the floor of my L.A. bedroom, wondering what the hell I was planning on doing with my life. I had millions of dollars and I was twenty-seven. Young enough to do whatever I wanted, but old enough so that I should have some direction. Regardless of my experimentation, I now knew that I was totally gay, and that thought in and of itself, was not upsetting. I didn't see it as being a huge obstacle. I was able to meet people and most of my friends and family knew. Silly me didn't realize at the time that love was the only thing that could possibly destroy my career. I had spent a lot of my time looking for love, or at least hoping that whatever I was involved with could turn into love. But as far as I knew, I had never been in love. In my sudden depression I told myself that love was most likely just not in the cards for me. How could I ever know that someone loved me as a person and not for what I could give him? The guys I had dated all claimed to be crazy about me, but it was never too long before I found them in bed with someone else, frequently Lance. Lance was what the guys and I would jokingly call try-sexual. There wasn't anything he wouldn't try, and there wasn't anyone he wouldn't do. It made my being gay the lesser of our band's "dirty little secrets," as Lance would frequently get himself in sticky situation that our publicists, and sometimes even our lawyers, would have to work overtime to fix. The first time I found him in bed with someone I liked, I totally lost it. I almost pushed him out of a hotel window and I didn't speak to him for a month. It was after the second time that he explained his "check off" system to me. Apparently no one worth dating would jump into the sack with him, and therefore he was really doing me a service by tempting my paramours. It was after he told me this that I realized he was totally off his rocker, but it was also when I realized that Lance needed to be looked after. I saw that he had the potential to put himself in a real dangerous position, and so I decided to forgive him, and to watch his back. The rug under my bed was in need of a good vacuuming, but I had no idea where the vacuum was. What days did the cleaning lady come? I asked myself. Wait a minute. Did I even have a cleaning lady? I stood up and walked downstairs. I realized that I had to stop creating situations that left me feeling like this. Sad. Lonely. I decided that I had to focus on my friendships, and that it was through good friendships that I could begin to understand people. Maybe then I could think about love again. My cell phone rang. "Hey Justin," I said, taking an orange from a bowl in the kitchen and rolling it down the counter. "What up C?" he said. "Listen, when we go to New York, will you come with me to this stupid play that Cameron is dragging me to?" "Sounds great," I sighed. "But I think I'll pass. I hate theater." "What? And I like it?" he said. "Come on, Cameron's going to go all psycho-actress when she decides that the people on stage are better than her, and then I won't have anyone to talk to." I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. "Fine," I said. "Is anyone famous in it?" "I don't think so," Justin said. "But Cameron said something about some soon-to-be star that's in it. And she said it's going to be the best play New York has seen in years." "Wow," I said unenthusiastically. I wasn't a huge fan of Cameron's, so her recommendations did little to impress me. I hung up the phone and bent down to pick up the fallen orange. I looked at it closely, and then decided to put it back on the floor before heading back upstairs to pack. ---------- I stood in the doorway, wanting to just turn around and leave. He was not more than ten feet away from me, propped up on chair. His hair was tousled, and he wore a gray t-shirt and jeans. Cameron spoke to him first. Then Justin. It was almost my turn. I forced myself to pull it together. I was the famous one for God's sake. I was the one with millions of fans. Sure the thoughts were arrogant, but they got me through the hardest statement I ever had to utter. "That was really something," I said, extending my hand to him, deciding that I would try to pull off acting cool and confident. Nathaniel Murray happily and firmly shook my hand. The touch of his palm sent electricity straight through me. He was even more beautiful up close. His eyes were a cool, bluish-gray, surrounded by long black eyelashes. His lips were full and bow-shaped, and his nose looked like it belonged on a Greek statue. I looked at him for probably longer than I should have, because I saw his eyes shift for a moment. Was I making him uncomfortable? The next thing I remembered was Nathaniel Murray saying something about being gay, which would have made me do a spit-take had I been drinking something. Instead I found myself staring at him again, wondering if he could be at all interested in me. I was a bit shocked that he would reveal himself so quickly. It seemed a bit strange, but also too good to be true. Then I looked at him again and realized something that no one else seemed to be acknowledging. Nathaniel Murray was tipsy. Judging by the amount of people outside of his dressing room waiting to speak to him, I reasoned that he might be a nervous type. Maybe he didn't like all of the attention. Or maybe he just wanted to get his cast-party started. "What I really loved," I said over the next few minutes, "was how the play just stripped away every social construction and showed how people behave when there are no rules." Nathaniel Murray gave me a strange look, and I blushed. Had I really just said that? Was I really paying that much attention to the play? Now I really just wanted to go back to my hotel. This guy could never take me seriously. I was out of his league. He invited us to the cast party and Justin immediately looked over at me. I nodded ever so slightly and before I knew it Justin had happily accepted. Ok, so much for thinking I shouldn't try to get this guy. I couldn't afford to miss my chance. During the limo ride over I was silent but observant. Actually, I was staring. Even if I never saw Nathaniel Murray again, I wanted to remember his face. I wanted to be able to recall it whenever I needed to remind myself that the world was full of beauty. He talked a lot and, quite often, to me. If I weren't feeling so shy and intimidated I would have thought he liked me, but I was careful not to make any assumptions. At the party I learned that he had just broken up with his boyfriend, who I immediately thought must be one of the stupidest people on Earth. Someone had cheated on Nathaniel Murray? What an asshole. I told him to call me Josh, and I decided that I would call him Nate. Nathaniel sounded so formal and I felt like an idiot saying it. Justin and Cameron disappeared and I realized that Nathaniel Murray, "Nate," was giving me his undivided attention at a party where he was the main attraction. It made me feel good, and I actually started to think that he liked me as we made our way through the restaurant. I followed him like a puppy dog, but I didn't feel like I really had any choice. Here and there he would be pulled away and I would watch him graciously accept people's compliments. But he always came back to me and over the next couple of hours we enjoyed quite a few drinks together. I was shocked to learn that he was a fan of my music. He actually knew all of the songs I had written and it reminded me that I was a famous pop singer. Maybe it wasn't so strange for this guy to be interested in me. Wait. Oh God, I thought to myself, thinking of past experiences. He's going to want an autograph for his sister. Justin and Cameron came by and told us that they were going to go dancing. It sounded like a terrific idea. I loved to dance and right now I would have loved to go and do something I knew that I was good at. My own drunkenness must have set in at this point, because the next thing I knew I was telling Nate how much I wanted to go dancing. Even stranger was when he agreed that it was a good idea. "Where should we go?" I asked him. "That depends," he said. "You in the mood for my kind of crowd or your kind of crowd?" This was it, I thought. He was asking me if I was gay. I could feel perspiration on my forehead. I wasn't worried about telling him the truth. I was a wreck because I realized that it was very likely that Nate wanted to sleep with me. Everything moved very quickly after that. In that one moment, with that one revelation, the course of my life changed. I kept telling myself that this was crazy as his body pressed up against mine on the dance floor. I told myself not to get too attached as I made out with him in the club's restroom. I took his cock into my mouth. I had seen it on stage, but now it was thick and hard. Like the rest of him, it was beautiful. It's just sex, I told myself as I worked my way up and down his shaft. What else could it be? Relationships weren't born in this way. I had thought I was through with one-night stands, but I also knew that it would be difficult to find anyone who would pass up a chance for even a few minutes with the man in front of me. He turned me around. He wanted to fuck me. The very idea was orgasmic. I debated it for about two seconds. If Nathaniel Murray was this into me, how could I resist not letting him in me? There was no other time in my life that I was this turned on, and so I went for it, and I got one of the best fuckings of my life. As expected, Nate was precise, passionate and skilled. He seemed to instinctively know what I wanted. There was no denying the chemistry between us. Just don't fall in love, I kept saying in my head, all the while grimacing with pleasure as he thrusted inside of me. But I knew it was too late. ---------- It was a cold and damp December day when he called. It had been about seven months since we had broken up and we hadn't spoken a word to each other in all of that time. After I told him that I couldn't 'come out' publicly, I knew that it was time for me to be by myself. It had all become too much for me. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Yet night after night, I sat with the phone in my hand, going so far as to scroll through to his name, never able to press 'send.' What was there for me to say? "Hi Nate, I can't change any of the things that are wrong with me, but I miss you and think we should get back together anyway. What do you think?" I had hurt Nate, and I had hurt him bad. Everything he had said that last night was true. I did know that he loved me more than anyone, and I knew that he was willing to sacrifice his own career for me. He couldn't understand that those feelings only made me feel worse. His confidence was like a slap in the face of my own insecurity. Nate had a way of making me feel like a child sometimes. I always felt like I needed to get my act together when he was around, so when I started to unravel, I knew that he wouldn't be the person I could turn to. "Hi Josh," he said. He must have had a new cell phone since the Caller ID didn't identify him. "Nate," I said, my jaw dropping open, my heart skipping a beat. "How have you been?" I couldn't tell his mood from the way he was speaking. I reminded myself that he was an actor and that it was really up to him what emotion he wanted to convey. "I've been good," I said, trying to sound cheery. I didn't have any time to prepare. I didn't know whether I wanted him to know that I was miserable without him, or if he should think that I had moved on with my life. "How about you?" "Good, good," he said. "How is the play going?" I asked. "Good. Just a couple of more weeks of it actually." It was scary to think that it was a year and a half ago that we had moved to London. "It sounds like you've been pretty busy," he said. "Yeah, I just finished a big tour and am thinking about doing another one in late winter." This kind of success on my own had really been an interesting experience. My second album had become the hit of the summer. I ended up with a number one single, and two others that made it into the top ten. Somehow, for whatever reason, people had let me escape from the shadow of NSYNC and Justin. "So are you taking a break in Florida now, for the holidays?" he asked me. "Closer to Christmas," I said. "Actually, I'm hanging out in New York right now, freezing my ass off." He gave a little chuckle, and I had to fight back the desire to say, "I love you." "This is weird," Nate said. "I'm in New York too." "You're kidding?" Now my heart was racing. Was he going to ask me to meet? Was I ready for this? "Yeah, I've been in town for this stupid Burberry thing. I have to fly back to London tonight." It was my turn to laugh. "Josh," he said, suddenly serious. "Do you think that we could meet for a bit? There's something I needed to talk to you about and I really wasn't looking forward to doing it on the phone. "Um, sure," I said without even thinking, looking at my watch even though I had nowhere to be. And that's how I found myself sitting across from Nate in a busy mid-town restaurant, full of holiday shoppers and impatient waiters. New York was a bit like LA, so depending on what area you were in, there was a good chance that the people around you would think that they were too cool to be impressed by the celebrities sitting near them. Nate looked different. It wasn't just that he had returned to his normal weight, or that he looked any less beautiful. It was what I could only refer to as the 'Hollywood effect.' He had lost the innocence that always danced behind his bedroom eyes. He knew what the world was like now. He had been through the endless interviews, the stalking paparazzi, the worrying about every public move. He knew what wolves Hollywood executives were. He knew that he was a commodity that could just as soon disappear tomorrow or be wanted forever. He had also experienced total heartbreak, thanks to me. We made some small talk, which made us more comfortable but really seemed silly given the level of intimacy that we once shared. "Nate," I started after a while, feeling that it was important for me to say something of substance. "I feel like I should be saying something to you, but I just don't know what that is." "It's ok," he said. "I understand." "This is so stupid," I said, settling back into my chair. "You're the person I would normally ask for help, but in this case, I guess I can't." "I don't know about that," he said, shaking his head slightly. "I think one of our biggest problems was that you didn't come to me when something was bothering you. You kept it all inside. That's what ruined everything." The calmness with which he said all of this made me want to cry. It made me realize that it was all really over. I resisted the urge to start apologizing again. I wanted to tell him that I was doing much better, that I had come to terms with a lot of things and was ready to move forward with my life and accept whatever obstacles may come. But I wasn't ready. Not yet. So cowardly, I asked him what he needed to talk to me about. "This is awkward," he said, shifting in his seat. "But I want to transfer the Miami condo back to you." "That was a gift," I said immediately, my eyes welling up a bit. "It's yours." "I could never go back there, Josh," he said. The graveness in his voice told me he wasn't being dramatic. "It just wouldn't be right. I thought that the title was in both of our names, in which case I would have just signed over my half. But it turns out that it is only in mine." "I don't want it," I said, shaking my head. "I can't go back there, either." "Then I'll sell it and give you the proceeds," he said. I just looked at him. I didn't know what else to say. One thing that I knew about Nate was that when he made a decision, you could drop dead before he would change it. "I'll have my lawyer call your lawyer," he said. "Neither of us has to be involved in it." Everything he said sounded so cold, yet I knew that he was not being mean. I guess this was our version of getting divorced. "I'm so sorry about everything," I found myself saying. My hands were on the table, and I was wishing that he would take them in his own. "I've just made a mess of it all. It shouldn't have ended up this way." "Everything is a learning experience," Nate said. When did he become so practical? "Regret is a silly emotion." "Are you seeing anybody?" I asked, regretting that as well. Was I trying to hurt myself? "It doesn't really matter, does it?" Nate said, which told me that he was. "I'm not," I said. Nate looked at me as though he wanted me to stop talking. "I can't even begin to think of being with anybody but you." "Well," he said flatly, "you may want to start. It can be a lonely world." I wiped a hand across my face. He looked at his watch and reached around for his coat, which was hanging on the back of his chair. "I need to get going," he said. "Will I see you again?" I asked. "Whenever you're in Times Square," he said, his mouth turning into a slight smile. He stood there and stared at me for a moment, looking as though he was interested to know if I had anything profound to say. All I could do was look at him. "Take care of yourself, Josh," he said. "You too," I said sadly. It was another goodbye. Back in the car, I told my driver to head over to Times Square. As we approached the center, I knew what Nate was talking about. Looming several stories high in the distance was a gigantic billboard, featuring Nathaniel Murray in a dark suit, a coat over one arm and an umbrella in his hand. It was a symbol of his permanence as an international celebrity. The boy who loved New York was now part of the landscape. Soon there would be no person in the world who did not, at least, recognize his face. Whenever I tuned in to MTV, I would see him through the studio's windows. There would be no escape from him. ---------- After our rendezvous at the club, I told myself that I would never see Nate again. It was a one-night stand, after all, and I just couldn't make it out to be more than it was. I didn't want it to be more than it was. I didn't want to be hurt, and since I never suffered a heartbreak, I was afraid of what one might do if things didn't work out somewhere down the road. So I surprised even myself when I showed up at his dressing room the next day, minus Justin and Cameron. I went there to tell him that I was only interested in his friendship and that I was mature enough to see the night before for what it was, and that we could perhaps move forward as friends, if he was interested. He agreed, and then I found myself fucking with him yet again, on his dressing room couch. A week after that, he told me that he loved me, and it was like my every part of my body gave a collective sigh of contentment. This was it. Love. The search was over, and I had found exactly what I was looking for. No matter what happened, we would be able to deal with it as a couple. When Nate had problems with his parents and his brother, I was there. When Nate almost died from some rare infection in Africa, I was there. At that time, the idea of losing him was too much to bear. I couldn't possibly lose the love of my life this quickly. Nate had to survive because I knew that God wouldn't be so cruel as to take him from me. Nate did survive, so imagine my shock when he told me that he had a brief fling with a production assistant in Africa. My world crashed, even though I now think that I already knew that I would forgive him. It was one of those moments where you know you have to act in a certain way. I knew that what he did was horribly wrong, and my own desire to still be with him only made me realize more that I really needed to get some distance from him. I was proud of myself for doing it. As hard as it was, when I finally came back to him, I knew that I would never have to question his faithfulness. During the time we were apart, I replayed all of our moments together, over and over. On the farm in New Hampshire...in the woods in California...shopping in SoHo...by his hospital bed in Egypt. It was these memories that were haunting me once again, as I stood at the bar in yet another L.A. club. It had been a few weeks since what I presumed was my last encounter with Nate. Christmas had come and gone. Another new year had begun. I took a large sip of my drink. I had planned on stopping as part of putting my life back on track, but currently, I saw my life going nowhere. It was all so cliché. Now I had all the success that I wanted. Now I was getting the respect I deserved, and yet I was miserable. Since seeing Nate in December, I had lost all ability to control my thoughts, and so I had deal with whatever images or impulses washed over me. I had briefly thought of therapy as being an option, but the title, "JC Chasez: The E! True Hollywood Story" kept flashing in my head. Besides, even though I didn't know what my problem was, I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with my mother. "Hey buddy," a voice said from behind me, a hand tapping me on the shoulder. "What's up?" "Oh, hey Jesse," I said, hoping that would be the end of my conversation so that I could go back to my drink. Jesse was the epitome of "Gay L.A." and was a frequent "passenger" on the Lance Bass train. For a short period of time Lance had brought Jesse with him wherever he went, but it had now been a long time since I had seen them together. From what Lance would tell me, Jesse was an excellent fuck buddy. He didn't expect anything from Lance other than being able to break bread with celebrities and get into the hottest clubs. In return, he was always willing and available to attend to any of Lance's needs. "I haven't seen you in a while," I said to him, realizing that he was still looking at me and smiling. "I went home to Arizona for a bit," he said. "To clear my head and shit." "Cool, dude," I said. "That's real cool." "And to tell you the truth," he said, leaning toward me. "I think Lance started to get bored with me." "What makes you say that?" I asked, not caring at all. "Well, I think it was when he said, 'Jesse, I'm getting bored with you,' that I started to think our time was up." "Oh, ok," I laughed. "Rock and roll." I turned away for a moment to order another drink, and then decided to order two, handing one to Jesse who I didn't think would be leaving anytime soon, and who I thought might be more interesting to talk to if he were as drunk as I was. "So have you seen Lance lately?" he asked me, sipping the drink I handed him. He had dark hair, like Nate, though it wasn't curly or shiny like Nate's was. He also had large blue eyes, though there was nothing behind them. "I think he's around here somewhere," I said, looking around the room. "I think I saw him earlier. Oh wait, maybe he just called earlier to say that he was on his way." I shook my head and laughed. "I'm sorry, I don't really remember." "Keep drinking like that and you won't be remembering anything," Jesse said. "Isn't that the point?" I laughed again. He saluted me with his glass and took a big sip. "So," he began, "is it true that you were really dating Nathaniel Murray? Lance mentioned some things sometimes." I didn't want to hear Nate's name. He was exactly what I was trying to forget. "Yeah," I said. One must remember that by this point in the evening, I no longer had any control over what I was saying. "That's so hot," he said, his empty eyes lighting up. "That guy is on friggin' fire! Tell me please, how good of a fuck was he?" "How good of a fuck are you?" I asked, staring straight at him, finishing off my drink. He looked at me with surprise for a moment, and then his mouth slowly turned into a smirk. "You're interested?" he said, looking around the room as though he was suddenly afraid that people could hear him. "I asked," I said. I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. I had really wanted to stop talking about Nate. I had really just wanted to be alone. But for some reason, I also suddenly really wanted to get off. Perhaps it was my drunken solution for ending the conversation. Jesse put his drink down on the bar and brushed his cheek against mine. "Take me back to your place," he whispered into my ear. I didn't find his delivery particularly sexy, but it would do for now. We turned to leave when Lance suddenly came rushing toward us, taking each one of us in an arm and squeezing the three of us together. His timing couldn't have been worse. "How the fuck are my two favorite boys?" he asked, planting a big sloppy kiss on each of our cheeks. I couldn't remember if Lance had been here for a while, but wherever he was, he seemed to have been doing a great deal of drinking himself. "We're good," I said, nodding my head. "Yeah," Jesse said. "We were actually just leaving." Jesse looked up at me and then back at Lance, whom I knew couldn't register a look of shock if he tried. "Well, well," he said, putting two and two together. "This is very interesting indeed. My best friend and my best fuck." We both looked at him. He couldn't stop smiling. "Sounds pretty hot," he said, after a few seconds. Jesse leaned over toward Lance and whispered something into his ear. "For old time's sake," was the only thing I heard him say as he pulled away. Lance was laughing now and shaking his head. "It's fine with me, kiddo," he said, "but Mr. Straight-Laced over here will never go for it." "Won't go for what?" I asked, being the furthest thing from straight-laced at the moment. "Jesse thinks it would be fun to be in the middle of an NSYNC sandwich," he said, very matter-of-factly. "Oh," I said, realizing I should be in shock, but too drunk to be so. "Come on JC," Jesse said, putting his hand against my chest. "It's never to late to try new things." His hand moved lower and I was surprised at how quickly my body responded. "Ah, he's thinking about it," Jesse laughed, looking at Lance who I couldn't take my eyes away from. This was my friend. He was a friend I was not at all attracted to. He wasn't even someone I would refer to as 'gay.' I was starting to get really confused. "This is a bad idea, right?" I asked him, thinking it was a strange time to be asking Lance, of all people, for advice. "Not necessarily," he said. "Could be interesting. We are all single, and it's not like any of us are in love with each other." "Yeah," I said, in disbelief that I was even having this conversation. "But I don't want to have sex with you, Lance. Ever." "You think I want to have sex with you?" he laughed. "How long have we known each other? Don't you think I might have tried something over the years if I was into you?" "Gentlemen," Jesse interrupted. "There is an easy solution to all of this. Neither of you has to have sex with the other. You see, the advantage of a threesome is that you can both just have sex with me." We both looked at him, then back at each other. "That could work," Lance said agreeably. "Works for me," I said, and the three of us headed out the door. What followed was a rather strange evening of which I remember little. Lance took Jesse from behind while Jesse performed a competent oral attack on my cock. "God, this thing is huge," he said at one point. Lance said "thank you" and Jesse told him that he wasn't talking about him. They both had rather smooth bodies though I tried to focus on Lance's as little as possible. The only thing I found surprising about him was how thick his cock was, despite its average size. Jesse certainly seemed to be enjoying it as he moved his body back and forth like one of those two-seater things you see cartoon characters using on train tracks. I ran my fingers through Jesse's stiff, gelled hair as he sucked me, tiny moans escaping from him with each breath. My head was spinning. I didn't know what I was doing. "Take turns, boys," Jesse eventually said. Lance pulled out of him and we switched places. "You ok?" Lance said as he walked past me. He was being just as careful not to check me out too much. "Fine," I smiled. I took a condom from the bed and stared down at Jesse's hole, wide-open after Lance's fucking and slick with lube. His ass was tan and smooth and my cock was eager to see what it had to offer. Jesse was now sucking Lance as I slipped inside him, waiting to see how far I would be able to go until he started to complain. "Whoa," Jesse yelped. "Easy with that monster back there." "Sorry," I said quickly. "I won't go in deep." "Are you kidding?" he said, turning his head around to face me briefly. "I want it all, just go slow." "Oh, ok," I said. And so I began fucking him. It was all pretty hot. It was certainly a first. I imagined Lance wanting to make a regular habit of this. Maybe that would be ok. After all, Nate didn't love me anymore, and who ever would if I couldn't even love myself? Nate. Shit. Why did I have to start thinking about him again? I tried to focus back on what I was doing. I pushed into Jesse a bit harder, and noticed that Lance looked ready to bust. Sweat was dripping down his smooth golden chest, and he let out a large moan as he released his load in Jesse's mouth. It was when I heard Lance groan that reality seemed to start rushing back into my head. It was also the first time that I realized a part of my body was failing me. Suddenly, I wanted out of this situation. I wanted it all to be as though it had never happened. All I could think about was Nate and the mess I was making of my life. Lance? Jesse? What the hell was I doing? I didn't know what to do in a situation such as this, so before completely losing my erection, I thrusted a few more times and then faked my own orgasm, quickly pulling out of Jesse and nearly running for the bathroom. Everything was blurry. I didn't know where I was. Lance and Jesse were talking, but I couldn't understand them. Everything went dark and then there was silence. ---------- I woke up in an unfamiliar place. At least for a while it was unfamiliar until my eyes began to adjust to the light, and my memories slowly started to appear like flashes of a camera bulb. I was in Lance's bed. Slowly I propped myself up, my head hurting like it had never before. Looking around the room, there was no evidence of the debauchery of the night before. In fact, everything was quite tidy. Even the bed looked fresh and undisturbed aside from my own movements in it. I went to step out of the bed, hoping that I wouldn't fall flat on my face, but stopped when I realized I was naked. My eyes were scanning the room for my clothes when there was a soft knock at the bedroom door, followed by Lance's cheerful entrance. "Hey buddy," he said. "How are you feeling?" He was neatly dressed and looked completely rested. His hair was thoughtfully placed in disarray. I wouldn't have expected anything less from him. "I feel like I died about six months ago," I said, holding my head in my hands. "Lance, where are my clothes?" "I'm washing them," he said, sitting down on the bed, the motion making me queasy. "They should be dry soon. You got a plane to catch or something?" "No," I said. "Where's Jesse?" I asked, hoping that he would respond with 'Jesse who?' "Ah, so you remember last night," Lance laughed. "Pretty crazy stuff." "Lance," I started. I had never been in less of a joking mood. "Relax," he said. "He left right after your own dramatic exit." "Oh God," I said, my eyes growing wider. "What happened?" "Well, after we finished, it seems like you thought it would be a good idea to vomit all over my bathroom floor, and then pass out onto the ground." "Oh God," was all I could keep saying. "Oh God." "Luckily you were naked, so it wasn't hard to wash the vomit off of you." "Lance, stop," I said. "I've heard enough." "I gave Jesse the job of getting the condom off of you. I sure as hell wasn't going to do that." He was relentless. "I think I'm going to be sick," I said, shifting in the bed. "Come on," Lance laughed. "Where is your sense of humor?" "No, Lance, I really think I'm going to be sick." I threw the sheet off of me and ran bare-assed to the bathroom, where sure enough, I did get sick. Minutes later I stumbled back into the bedroom, this time clad in one of Lance's terry cloth robes. "I don't know what I'm doing," I said, sitting back down on the bed. "I don't know what you're doing either," Lance said, tapping his fingers on his knee. "But I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be doing this." "Doing what?" I asked. "Josh, I can handle stuff like this. Jesse can handle stuff like this. But you sir, can most certainly not handle stuff like this. It's not you." "Maybe it's the new me," I said. "It sure would make life a hell of a lot easier." "Is that all you want?" Lance asked. "To make life easier?" "It's a little hard to bare sometimes," I said. Wait. Was I having a serious discussion with Lance? "It isn't for everybody," Lance said. "It isn't for me." "What are you saying?" I asked. "Josh," Lance began, his eyes concentrating on mine. "Don't take this the wrong way, and I know it's going to sound ridiculous coming from me, but I really think that you should get some help. You know, some kind of counseling or something." "Ha!" I laughed. "That does sound funny coming from you," I said dismissively, looking around the room. Suddenly I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. "Josh please," Lance continued. "Think about it. You've been miserable for months. You're drinking all the time, and instead of dealing with the fact that you are still in love with Nate, you're going home with me and having threesomes. Does all of this sound like you?" "You didn't exactly try to stop me from coming home with you guys," I snapped. "What? Now that you got your rocks off it's time to check in and see if I am ok?" "Maybe it took me seeing you lying on my bathroom floor in your own vomit to make me realize that something really serious is going on. Josh, you're cracking up." Lance had never remained this serious for this long in his entire life. Something was telling me that I should be listening to him, but I was getting really aggravated. "Lance, I've been promoting my album, touring the entire country and making videos and appearances for the past six months, nonstop. Maybe I'm a little burnt out, but how the hell could I be doing all of that and be a crazy depressed alcoholic all at the same time?" "I didn't call you crazy or an alcoholic," Lance said. "And to be honest Josh, you could do all that music stuff in your sleep. We all could. We've been doing it since we were teenagers." "You're not making any sense," I said, getting off the bed. "I need my clothes. I need to get out of here." Lance got off of the bed as well. "They should be ready," he said, momentarily leaving the room. He returned with them and I hurriedly began to put them on. "Josh," he continued. "I don't want to talk anymore," I said. "I'm sorry about all of this. We never should have done it." "Josh, I don't give a fuck about the threesome. But I do give a shit about you." "Did you give a shit about me when you fucked half of my boyfriends?" I snapped. I was really starting to get mad, though I was also beginning to think that I wasn't just mad at Lance. "Josh, I don't care what you think about me. But I can tell you that for whatever reason, I've always been happy being me. I have no regrets. I know I'll die a happy man." "Well, good for you," I said, buttoning my jeans. "Josh, I don't want you to die," Lance said, his voice suddenly emotional. "I don't want you to die sad and alone." "Die? What the fuck are you talking about Lance?" "Josh, this isn't about losing Nate. This isn't about 'coming out' or not 'coming out.' Gay or not gay. This is about you." He took my hands in his and I went to yank them away. There were actually tears in Lance's eyes. "Please, Josh. Please help yourself before it's too late." I wanted to pull away and tell him to fuck off again. Who the hell was he to be acting all put together all of the sudden and wanting to be a true friend? I wanted to tell him to mind his own business and to look after his own wasted life. Yet I found myself not able to do it. I couldn't let go of his hands. In fact, my grip began to tighten around them as my mind began to race. Was I really cracking up? My God, I let myself lose the best thing that ever happened to me and for what? A few more months of being a straight pop star? I could feel tears beginning to build up in my own eyes and I fought to push them away. My God, I've been basically unhappy off an on for years. No one could help me. "Lance," I started, my voice cracked and pathetic. My God, it had been almost a month since I had gone to bed sober. "I do think something has to change," I wept. Lance smiled at me kindly and pulled my head down to his shoulder as I embraced him. "I don't want to end up being everything I never wanted to be." "You won't," Lance said, patting the back of my head. "We will make sure of it." ---------- Part TWO: "Wow, it really is big." "It certainly is," "Too big, you think?" "No, let everyone stare at its magnificence." "So I guess you're not the jealous type," I laughed. "No," Colin laughed. "I have complete confidence that you can't do any better than me." We both laughed and continued to look at the enormous billboard of me erected in Times Square. It was December in New York. It was a few hours after the official unveiling of my billboard. All of the press was there, as well as most of New York. This type of attention had become second nature to me. There was no more anxiety as I moved from reporter to reporter. I always knew the right things to say and in return, the press largely praised me for everything I did. After several hours, the crowds had finally dispersed, so with Colin's urging, we snuck back to the scene to gaze upon the billboard once more. "We should get going," I said. "I don't want to get assaulted by a bunch of tourists." "God, you're such a snob," Colin laughed. Almost everything he said was with a laugh. The English prided themselves on their sense of humor. "Fine, fine," I said. "When you have to come back here and scrape me off the sidewalk, who will be laughing then?" "Ok, ok," he said. "Back to the hotel with you then." We were staying at the W, where Colin usually took a room when he was in New York. I was in New York for such a short time, that it just wasn't worth it to me to have my apartment prepared for habitation after so many months away from it. Soon we were back in the hotel. Colin was flipping through the television stations while I went through a bag of papers my new assistant had packed up for me before leaving London. "Shit," I said, looking at one of the papers. "What is it?" Colin asked. He had started watching some year-end countdown show on 'E!.' "The title transfer papers for the condo in Miami," I sighed. "I forgot that I had to send them to Josh." "Don't you think you should call?" Colin asked. "You don't want to seem rude." "I don't want to call," I said stubbornly. "He's going to flip out." "Of course he is. But it's the right thing to do." "You're right," I said. "But, it's like, I know he's going to get upset, and then he's going to feel guilty and then..." I stopped myself. "Wait," I began again. "Why do you care about doing the right thing in this situation?" "Because I always do the right thing," Colin smiled innocently, his long body stretched out on the giant bed. "Since when?" I asked, cocking one of my eyebrows. "You may not have noticed this Mr. Murray, but I'm a very nice person." "Hmm," I said, walking toward him and climbing onto the bed. "Maybe I don't want you to be nice about this kind of stuff. Maybe I want you to scream and shout, and say that if I so much as say one word to Josh, that you will throw yourself out of this very window." I straddled his thighs and placed a hand down on either side of him. "I couldn't do that," he smirked. "It would be dishonest. It would suggest I care more about your life than I do my own." I lowered my head and kissed him fully. His lips were thick and warm. Soon after I felt his hands moving up my legs as I began to unbutton his shirt, exposing his smooth and well muscled chest. He rolled me onto my back and we began to make love. From the television, I heard someone say: "And our number one pick for the best dressed person of 2006: Nathaniel Murray." ---------- The next morning, Colin prepared to head over to his New York office while I set out to visit my brother and make a dreaded phone call to my ex-boyfriend. Colin emerged from the dressing area of the hotel suite, the smell of his aftershave noticeable and attractive. He already had his shirt and tie on, and was in the midst of putting on his jacket. There was something oddly exciting about being with a man who slipped into a suit and tie every morning. My most important past relationships had been with a doctor and a pop star, two groups of people that seldom found themselves in full suits. I took Colin's briefcase from the table and handed it to him, kissing him chastely on the cheek. "Have a good day at work, dear," I said sarcastically. I always got a kick out of pretending to be a housewife. "I think you can do better than that," he said, looking down at me. He was one of the few people who could make me feel short. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips, his large hands pressing into my back. "Be good today," he said, moving away from me. "You know something," I pouted as he neared the door. "Not a person on this earth would leave me all alone in a hotel room to go to work." "Yet another thing that makes me different from everybody else," he said with a smile and a wink, closing the door behind him. I stood still for a moment, and then gave out a long sigh. It was a sigh of contentment. I was happy. I was surprised that I was so happy, but I had learned to stop questioning such feelings. I dialed up my brother Edward, who didn't seem to be answering the phone. I called again. "Hello?" a voice said groggily into the phone. "Rise and shine Sleeping Beauty," I said cheerfully. "Last time I checked, when you make plans to meet someone for breakfast, it's best that it be in the morning." "Oh, sorry" the tired voice said. "Hold on." The voice drifted away from the phone and I heard someone saying, "Edward, I think your brother is on the phone. I thought it was my cell ringing." "Fuck," another voice said, presumably Edward's. "Nate, hey," he said, taking the phone away from the disembodied voice. "I can be ready in ten minutes. We're going to that place in the Village, right?" "Um, yeah," I said. "Will you be bringing your friend?" "Shut up," he said. I imagined his face completely red. "I'll meet you there in twenty minutes." He hung up. I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Now I knew why Edward hadn't been calling much for the past couple of months. In a small, predominantly gay café, I sat across from Edward, his hair a mess, his clothes still looking like they needed to be adjusted. "You know," I began, "if you wanted to sleep in, you could have just told me." He looked up at me and I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "You're such a jerk," he laughed. "I was going to tell you, but it just sounds so stupid over the phone." He began to imitate his own voice. "Hi, Nate. How's London? I have a super-cute boyfriend." "Hmm, super-cute," I repeated. "Sounds pretty serious." "He's great," Edward said. "He's so much fun, and I mean like all the time. I find myself thinking about him all day long. He plays the trumpet." "And you're sure he isn't just interested in you because I'm your brother?" I asked. Sarcasm was the order of the day. "Hey, whatever it takes," Edward laughed. "And you're being responsible?" I asked, a bit more serious. "Totally," he said. He was trying to seem very casual with this whole conversation but I could see the redness popping up in his normally pale cheeks. "Well, I'm really happy for you, then. You certainly deserve all the happiness in the world." "Sounds like you've found it to," Edward said. "You've been so, well, different since you've been with this Colin guy." "That's because he's super-cute," I said as Edward pretended to fling his hash browns at me. "No. Seriously though, it's like waking up to fresh air every morning. Do you know that we haven't had one single argument since we started dating in August? I've never been with someone who was so relaxed about life and somehow managed to not become dull. I never thought a relationship could be like this." "That's awesome," Edward said. "I can't wait to meet him." "When I come back for good next month, we can all go out. You, me, Colin and..." "Joe," Edward added. "I know, boring." "Well, tell Joe that I look forward to meeting him." We ate and chatted, trying to catch up as much as we could on our lives during the short amount of time that we had. When we had finished, Edward pushed his plate aside and stared at me. "So," he began. "Have you heard from him?" There was no reason to ask whom he was talking about. "No," I said, "but I'm actually going to call him today. We need to discuss the condo in Miami." "Ouch," Edward said. "I feel so bad for Josh." "He's all grown up," I sighed. "I know, but he really was a great person, didn't you think so?" "Of course I did," I said. "I still do. He's just so confused about what he wants. I just don't know how to deal with someone like that." "It sounds like things got really bad at the end," Edward said. "They did. I mean, we had both done our share of hurting each other over the years, but at the end I offered him everything. I gave myself to him completely and he still was unhappy. There was nothing more that I could do." "I can understand that," Edward said. "But what do you do with all those feelings? Don't you still love him?" "I can't answer that question," I said. It was the first time I had been asked it in a long time. "I just don't know what it matters. I can tell you that I don't sit around all day pining away for him." I let out a sigh. "But I do miss him. I think he really knew who I was, even if I didn't know him." "Do you think you could ever get back together with him?" Edward asked. The fact that Edward asked such questions reminded me of what a large part of my life JC had been. Edward had only gotten to know me as JC's boyfriend. "I'm with Colin, now," I said. "I can't look back, and I don't want to look forward. I really just want to live in the moment. Right now, I'm really happy, and I don't mind waiting around to see what life has in store for me." I sat back in my chair, a bit surprised. Everything I had just said was the truth. The absolute truth. Breakfast ended and Edward and I said our goodbyes. Back in the taxi, I decided that now was as good a time as any to call JC and get this conversation over with. I had no idea where he was, but it was now late enough that the time zone shouldn't have mattered that much. It was strange hearing his voice again, knowing that he was thinking the same thing. I had been so busy for the past few months with my play and making yet another film, that I hadn't been able to promptly keep up with his career. Still, I heard that his album was doing well, and that he was touring. Occasionally I would see one of his new music videos on TV. We met for lunch. I knew that it was the correct thing to do since he was in town, and since I had less than great news to give him. I had been thinking how great it would be to walk into the restaurant and find him sitting there contentedly, full of confidence, and with the spark of enthusiasm that was so intoxicating when we first got together. Unfortunately, the man sitting across from me was the same guy who had left me last summer. He was fidgety, uncomfortable and insecure. I was hoping that someday somebody would be able to explain to me how the guy who showed up in my dressing room the night after we first hooked up, and the guy sitting in front of me were the same person. For now, I would just have to sit here. I could tell that he was still in great shape. His hair was cut short, emphasizing his eyes and cheekbones. I could understand how the world would perceive him as being extremely happy, but I could sense the sadness in him. It didn't last long. When he started tearing up I could feel my emotions being pushed into a vault. I couldn't go down this road again. Not when I was finally enjoying a fun and carefree life. I left JC in the restaurant, my mind a mix of memories, pain and confusion. I believe that what made me a good actor was, oddly enough, that I didn't wear my emotions on my sleeve. I saved them for the stage. When I met JC, all of that began to change. JC forced me to stop thinking about myself like some sort of super-human, which was good in some ways, but it also took away a part of me. It wasn't that I was ever an uncaring or mean person, but I was never the crying, conflicted person that I became with JC. There were times when I thought I couldn't breathe without him, and that was simply not the case before I met him or after we had broken up. I still carried the guilt over my infidelity. It didn't matter to me that it was brief and didn't go very far. Still, I continually questioned how I could do something I not only swore I would never do, but also never felt the temptation to do. I would never lay the blame on JC because the actions were mine, but looking back now, I could see the pressure that JC kept on me from the very beginning. It was true that we both wanted the relationship to work out. He was tired of looking and I was badly hurt. In looking back, I realized that we didn't really know each other very well back then. Our relationship was very young and we complicated it with sex, family emergencies, growing careers and distance. Now, to me, it sounded like a recipe for disaster, though I knew that was not how I felt at the time. My feelings for JC were always real, but perhaps they were too intense. I was older now and focused on what I was doing. I wouldn't make the same mistakes twice. ---------- I returned to the hotel and started to pack my things. I had to take a late flight back to London. Colin had been working in New York for the past few weeks, so he wasn't able to come back with me. We had spent a lot of time together since the summer, though he traveled between the U.S. and England. It was all very uncomplicated without being boring or superficial. We were very much two career-oriented individuals who liked each other very much. Colin had changed since college in many respects. I didn't even have to consider his faithfulness. Very early on he informed me that he wanted us to be an exclusive couple, which is the only way I would have wanted it as well. It was odd being with him at first. I was so used to JC that it felt like my whole body had molded to him. But Colin was familiar as well, and so slowly I allowed a different person into my life, and into my bed. It was after four when Colin came back to the hotel. He tossed his room key onto the desk and walked over to me where I was sitting on the bed, my suitcases neatly packed and lined up against the nearby wall. "Where do you think you are going?" he asked with a smirk. "Um, to London," I laughed. "You remember I do a play there six nights a week?" "Nathaniel, dear," he said sympathetically. "Have you looked out the window at all since you got back?" "What are you talking about?" I asked dismissively as I got up and walked over to the window. "Oh," I said. Snow was falling swiftly and the ground way below was covered in white. "They just closed the airports," he said. "Looks like you're here for at least one more night." "God, my understudy must love me," I said, looking out at the snowfall. "It's pretty though, don't you think?" I felt Colin's strong arms wrapping around me from behind. "Do you know what I think?" he asked, his lips lightly nipping at my ear. "I think we should start a fire, (another nip) order room service, (another) take a long hot bath, (his lips moving down my jawline) and make love until we can't catch our breath." I turned around, my eyes locking with his. "I think that can be arranged," I said, crushing my lips against his. ---------- That night I woke up around three in the morning. I had been sleeping soundly for months, but tonight, something had changed. I looked over at Colin, who even in his sleep looked like he was smiling. The sheet hung below his waist, exposing his wide, smooth chest and his silk pajama bottoms. I turned onto my back, looking up at the ceiling as I tried to collect my thoughts. I knew what I was thinking about, but I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. JC. After months, I had started to think about JC again. There had been so much hurt and anger, that I didn't spend a lot of time mourning the loss of the relationship. But after confronting him again, seeing that he was still walking around looking like a wounded bird, I felt bad. I wanted to tell him that everything would be ok, but I was no longer in control of making sure it was. I started to remember that I had been in love with JC, and what a rich feeling that was. I didn't know if I would ever have that again with someone. I didn't know if I would even dare. I mentioned before that there had been no drama between Colin and I. As I found myself tapping him on the shoulder, I hoped that would continue to be the case. "Everything ok?" he asked, startled out of his sleep. He turned to look at me. I was sitting up, my naked back against the headboard. "Yeah," I said. "I just needed to talk to you about something." He looked at me as though he wanted to say 'Now?' but he didn't. "Here's the thing," I began, not really sure where I was going. "I think you are perfect. I know that you are perfect. But, well, I don't think I am in love with you." "Let me get this straight," Colin said, his accent washed with sleepiness. "You wanted to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me that you are not in love with me?" I could barely make out his eyes in the dark, but I knew he was looking at me like I was nuts. "Are you in love with me?" I asked. "No," he said. "I suppose I'm not. But to be honest with you Nathaniel, I haven't been giving it a lot of thought. I know that I could easily fall in love with you, but I've just been having so much with you that I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting." "That's how I feel too," I said, a bit shocked that he felt the same way. "But is it wrong? After all this time, shouldn't we have a direction or know what we are going after?" Colin rolled over onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows. "Nathaniel, do you see some kind of universal time clock ticking away somewhere? We don't have to be doing anything other than what we want to be doing. The rest will work itself out all on its own." "You're saying if it's meant to be, it will be?" "Yes," Colin said. "Over the past few months you've told me about the pressure you always felt with Josh, and I know that you loved him, but don't confuse the two. And don't just decide that because you and I are so comfortable together so soon, that something must be wrong." "My God," I said, my hand lightly smacking my forehead. "You're absolutely right. That's exactly what I was starting to do." Why would I let JC get to me like this? Colin extended one of his hands, and slid me back down onto the bed. He kissed me passionately, making me feel like I was drunk. I supposed that I still had to get used to uncomplicated affection and intimacy. Colin moved on top of me so that his body slid between my legs, and for the first time I began to think that Colin might be someone to fall in love with. We made love again, silently and in the dark. It was intimate, it was sexy and it was comfortable. ---------- I couldn't stop the tears in my eyes from flowing as my run in the West End came to an end. I took my final bow alone, as I had done night after night for the past year. I knew it would be the last standing ovation I would be receiving for a while, as I knew that the next few years would consist mainly of filmmaking. I was happy to have been able to take this opportunity while I had it. I had now performed on the best stages of Broadway and of London. There are few actors that would not be envious of that. There was an enormous amount of press at the theater that final night. All of the entertainment news shows wanted to be there as I gave my final performance. The play was also filmed on this last night for a future showing on some cable station later in the winter. Because of this, and at the urging of my agent, after my final bow I tearfully gave a short speech where I thanked the cast and crew, and the people of London for so generously embracing me during my residence in their wonderful city. After we struck the set and had our cast party I returned to the London townhouse I had occupied for a year and a half. After JC and I broke up, I briefly thought about residing someplace else, but I had really grown to love this residence, including its two supernatural occupants. George, Harold and I seemed to have gone through a bit of a transition period after JC moved out. All of the noises stopped and I thought perhaps that the ghosts had decided to leave and go with him. Strangely enough, I also started to think that they were being quiet because they thought I did not like them. In order to rectify things, one night in the late summer I found myself on the third floor talking out loud, telling George and Harold that I held no animosity toward them, and that if they wanted to go back to their usual routine, then that would be fine. The next day, all of the familiar creeks and patters had returned. It took me a while to bring Colin to the townhouse. We had been together for over two months when I finally gave in to his endless pleas to meet my roommates. "You just want to laugh at me and think that I am insane," I pouted on the drive over. "I know that you are insane," Colin said. "You think I'm surprised that you talk to ghosts?" "I should warn you," I cautioned. "They really seemed to be attached to Josh. They may not warm up to you easily." "But everyone loves me," he winked from the driver's side of the car. It was so great being with someone who could so easily navigate driving on the left side of the road. "All I'm saying is that if plates start flying toward you, don't say I didn't warn you." It was impossible to predict when George and Harold would make themselves known, and they never appeared on command. So it wasn't too surprising that there were no strange noises when Colin came over, allowing him to maintain his belief that I was mentally ill. As he began to come over more frequently, with still no sounds from the third floor, I began to wonder if they were voicing their preference for JC over him. I wasn't sure if ghosts new anything more about fate than the living did, so I tried not to read too much into their absence at certain times. Now with my play over, I wandered from room to room, knowing that it was only a matter of days before I would most likely never be in this house again. I had actually inquired about purchasing it, but the British corporation that owned it refused, and I certainly didn't as of yet have the money to make them an offer they couldn't refuse. I was in the living room when my cell phone rang. It was Colin, and for some reason he was telling me to go outside and look at the front stoop. "Ooh, ok," I said, ready to see some fabulous package sitting there. Instead, when I opened the door, Colin himself was standing there, smiling proudly, apparently very impressed that he was able to show up so unexpectedly. "What are you doing here?" I laughed, embracing him and kissing him fully. "You could have come to the party with me." "I thought we could have our own closing night party," he said bringing forth a bottle of champagne and a package of fresh strawberries. "I couldn't very well not share this day with you," he said. "So what if my banks lose billions of dollars?" "Well, as long as its only billions," I laughed, bringing him inside. We spent the remainder of the evening sipping champagne and making love. A couple of days later, I was standing in the foyer, watching the chauffer place my bags in the limousine. I was leaving London. Another chapter of my life was about to close. Colin had briefly run over to his office while I finished packing things up. "Are there any more bags, sir?" the chauffer standing in front of me asked, picking up the remaining bags. "Nope, that's it," I said. "Thank you." I noticed the man look up at the staircase, then turn and look back at me with a slightly perplexed expression. "Is something wrong?" I asked him. "No sir," he said. "But didn't you hear that?" Now I was looking at the chauffer with a perplexed expression. "I believe that somebody upstairs called 'goodbye' to you." "But that can't be," I began, almost simultaneously realizing what had just happened. I looked up the staircase, half expecting to see two older, distinguished gentlemen looking back at me and waving. But there was nothing to see. I smiled to myself and shook my head. It was good to know that I would be missed. I didn't know how to begin explaining to the chauffer what had just happened, so I simply didn't, leaving him with a bit of confusion. He left the house and I stood in the doorway, my hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye," I called out. I slowly closed the door behind me, forcing back a couple of tears. On the way to pick up Colin, I thought to myself how much JC would love to hear what had just happened. Despite all that we had been through, I realized that I had always thought of the townhouse as our place, and that I still did. Suddenly it was like I couldn't remember where it all went wrong. How could love like that die? George and Harold had managed to stay together in eternity. Why didn't JC and I make it longer than a couple of years? The car stopped outside of Colin's office and he quickly darted inside it to escape the icy London weather. "What's wrong?" he said immediately, making me realize that my emotions were spreading across my face. "Nothing," I said, turning my face away toward the window and wiping the tears from my face. "I'm just really going to miss London." It was only a half-truth, but it would have to do. ---------- January. I was back in New York, back in my own apartment and back to doing my usual things. Of course, my usual things now included filmmaking, appearances on talk shows, and print interviews. My next, and fifth film was a thriller costarring Natalie Portman, and luckily it was being filmed in my hometown city of New York. In between scenes, I found myself making another appearance on TRL, supposedly as part of their "Breakout Stars" week. I didn't exactly think of myself as a breakout star at this point, but I guess with only two films released so far, the title fit well enough. In any event, it was a good opportunity to promote the television premiere of my performance in "The Glass Menagerie" as well as the spring release of the film I made in London with Gwyneth Paltrow. "And we hear that you just agreed to be one of the presenters at the Golden Globe Awards next week," Quudus, one of the infinite hosts of TRL, said, looking at one of the cards he was holding. "I did?" I asked, actually surprised. "Um, I guess I will be looking forward to that then." Everyone in the audience laughed; though I figured there was probably a good chance they would laugh even if I began urinating on them. "Now, we haven't been seeing much of you lately with the guys from NSYNC," Quudus began, reminding me that I had to start including a list of things I wouldn't talk about when giving interviews. "What's up with that? Are you all still friends?" "Sure, sure, of course," I began immediately. I had learned that pausing was never a good thing to do when speaking in public. "They're all great guys, but we've all been pretty busy working on our own things. You know how it is." "Speaking of which," Quudus said, making me wonder if this was going to turn into an episode of 'This is Your Life.' "Why don't you introduce our number two video today. It's one of your best buddies." I looked over at the teleprompter and wanted to just bolt out of the studio. Instead, I smiled brightly and began to read, "Up two spots from Friday, it's JC Chasez with "Up On Ya." The audience began to scream and the video began to play. Hours later, I found myself sitting on my own couch, sipping a cup of hot chocolate that I had actually made myself. I was alone, and for the moment, loving it. The downside to being in a play for a year was that the public was not frequently seeing my image. As a result of this, my management decided that it was necessary for me to make practically every public appearance that I could. I didn't mind doing it as much as I used to, but I was also aware of the danger of being looked at as a celebrity rather than an actor. Hollywood was a much more complicated balancing game than people realized, and I was constantly in fear of one day being mentioned in the same sentence with Ashton Kutcher or Tara Reid. My circle of friends had changed drastically since JC and I broke up. Gone were all the teen idols, the musicians, and the "actors" who were really nothing more than pretty faces or good bodies. Instead, I continued to focus on my pre-fame friends, and I had expanded my social circle to include the top theater and film actors of the day. Sure, it was a bit of a business decision to go in that direction, but it was also both relaxing and stimulating to surround myself with people who were as passionate about their work as I was, and were truly accomplished at it. Thrown into the middle of all of this was Colin. Handsome Colin, who went to work everyday in a dark suit, and concentrated on making rich people richer. In another life he may have been a model with his height and his well-proportioned body, but his mind was particularly attuned to economics and finance. He thankfully never felt a strong need to talk about his work, but I did like that he was slightly different from everyone else I was surrounded by and that he knew about things that I did not. Colin was brilliant, and everyone was quick to realize that. While he worked on Wall Street, he seemed to know a great deal about most subjects, from politics to theater, from religion to fashion. In many ways, we were more equals than JC and I. We were both completely self-confident. We knew that we didn't need each other, but we also knew that we liked each other. It was yet another new perspective on relationships for me, and I understood how a relationship like this could last for a long time. Breaking me out of my solitude, my cell phone began to ring. I saw that it was Lance, and I thought about not answering. Lance was nothing but trouble, and I couldn't afford any more trouble in my life. I had dodged enough bullets in the past couple of years without becoming fodder for the tabloids, and I didn't know how much longer lady-luck would be with me. The phone rang a few more times before my voicemail picked it up. "That's enough," I thought to myself. I wasn't really interested in anything Lance had to say. I had started a new chapter of my life, and therefore I had to close the last one. Lance didn't leave a message, and so I continued enjoying my evening alone. I rearranged books on a bookshelf, made a pile of clothes to give away and called my mom. Before going to bed, I called Colin, who had just gotten back to his hotel. I didn't want to rush things between us, and so I hadn't asked him to start staying at my apartment with me when he was in New York. I wondered if JC and I had spent too much time together in the beginning of our relationship. I often found myself trying to pinpoint the moment that determined that we would inevitably fall apart. "We have dinner with your brother tomorrow, right?" Colin asked. "He wants me to meet his boyfriend," I said. "And you want him to meet me, right?" he asked sarcastically. "Um, yeah, of course," I said. I said 'goodnight' and went to bed. Unknowingly, I would wake up tomorrow to find out that my life had been changed forever. ---------- It began with a banging on my door at six in the morning. I was quite startled since my building had a doorman to screen visitors, and since there was only one other tenant on my floor who I had still yet to meet. "Nate, open up, it's Allen," I heard from outside the door. I stumbled toward it, still in my t-shirt and pajama bottoms. I opened up the door, and before I even had the chance to ask Allen how he got up here, he hurried inside. "We've got a big problem," he said. His face was red with aggravation. He handed me the newspaper he was holding and looked away. I unfolded it and gasped. It was a London tabloid, and the front page was a headline that read: "Nate's New Year's Kiss." Below that was a photograph of Colin and I kissing on the front steps of my London townhouse. "This was taken only a couple of days before I left," I said, wanting to shake my head in bewilderment. My mind was firing so fast that I had no immediate reaction. I had absolutely no idea what this would mean to my career, to my public perception, or even to myself. Allen took the paper back from me and began to read. "Proving that all gorgeous men are either married or gay, Hollywood's most eligible bachelor, Nathaniel Murray, is seen snogging a male companion outside his flat in London. Once rumored to be hot and heavy with pop-hunk JC Chasez, Nate seems to have traded in the slim brunette for a taller, blonder unidentified man. 'They were all over each other, right in the open,' our source tells us." "That's not even true," I interrupted. "They fucking make this shit up! It was a single kiss!" Allen looked up at me and shook his head. "It doesn't matter what they write, Nate. You know that pictures speak louder than words ever could." "So what happens now?" I asked. "I deny it? I pretend it's nothing?" "The Associated Press picked up the story, Nate," Allen said sadly. "The picture has already been on all the morning news shows. The press is lining up outside of your building as we speak. I think you are going to be the top story of the New Year." "This is fucking ridiculous!" I yelled. "I'm certainly not the first gay actor. Why is this even happening to me? Why didn't they just try to blackmail me the way they must have done to tons of other actors over the years?" "I don't know," Allen said. "It's not even one of the really popular English tabloids. I guess they figured this would be a good way to get themselves put on the map." "Well, the reporters downstairs can stay down there until they drop dead," I said in a huff. "I'm not becoming the spokesperson for gay Hollywood. I promised myself that I was never going to use my celebrity to do anything but act. That's not going to change." "Nate, we have to think about this," Allen cautioned. "There are lots of ways for us to play this. We just have to think of the right one." My mind had stopped spinning at this point and I was trying to think of a plan of action. I had never worried about this stuff as a stage actor. I knew I would always have a home in the theater. The gay rumors had abounded since I began to live a high profile life. Everybody was always talking about how much time I spent with JC, but with neither of us saying or doing anything publicly, all people could do was speculate, which left them free to fantasize about me in whatever way they desired. What was most surprising was that the more I thought about what had just happened, the less and less aggravated I was becoming. What was the big fucking deal after all? I had originally never intended to conceal my sexual identity, and while I had not been very open with it over the past couple of years, I never denied it. I thought about how JC tortured himself over 'coming out' publicly, ultimately forcing himself not to do it and to end his relationship with me. Being 'outed' by somebody else was, in many ways, less stressful because it was already over with. Sure I would have to deal with the ramifications, but hell, I'd dealt with much worse. Allen was talking a mile a minute, but I wasn't listening to a word. "Allen," I finally interrupted. "Let's just relax here. The worst has already been done. We don't have to sit around coming up with some sort of 'coming out' strategy." "Well, what do you suggest we do?" he asked. "Here's my idea," I began. "We do nothing. I continue to live my life exactly as I was before you woke me up, and we let the world decide what they want to do with me." "Nate, this could be the end of your career." "Then so be it," I said. "I've already made millions of dollars, and if I'm correct, I'm still under contract to do four more films." Allen nodded. "It's 2007, Allen. Maybe people will surprise us." "And if they don't?" he asked. He was already sounding defeated. After all of our years together he was finally realizing how useless it was to argue with me. "Then I'll continue to make sure that I get the best acting jobs available to me," I said, following it with a smile. "And I'll still have the best face this fucking puritanical country has ever seen." My cell phone rang in the bedroom and I went to retrieve it. "Hey Colin," I said. "Nathaniel, I just saw the news. I'm so sorry about this. I never should have just shown up at your flat that day." "Don't be silly," I said. "You think I'm going to let a little thing like a public 'outing' ruin my day?" "To be honest with you, Nathaniel, I can't believe anyone ever thought you were straight." I laughed and he laughed to. "I guess dedicating three of my plays to my partner, Mark, didn't raise an eyebrow to anyone. This just goes to show you that theater and the entertainment culture have absolutely nothing to do with each other." "So what is going to happen now?" Colin asked me. "Nothing," I said. "Are you still going to be able to make our eight o'clock dinner reservations?" "Um, sure," Colin said, a little perplexed. "I assumed that you wouldn't want to..." "Everything is as it should be, Colin." I interrupted. "I just don't give a shit." ---------- In the next month, my life did change dramatically and, miraculously, not for the worse. Following the publication of the photograph of Colin and I, armed with my two bodyguards, I went to dinner with Colin, Edward and his new boyfriend, Joe. For the first fifteen minutes the four of us sat in the restaurant totally aware of the fact that everyone was staring at my companions and me. Finally, breaking the tension, Edward spoke. "To be quite honest," he began, "it isn't like they wouldn't be staring at you anyway." "Yeah," Joe chimed in. "You're really famous." "I suppose you guys are right," I said. "Half the time people are looking at me thinking millions of wrong things. I guess it's refreshing to know that this time it's for the right reasons." "To new adventures," Colin said, raising his glass in a toast. We all raised our glasses and began what would turn out to be a wonderful evening. I was impressed that Edward didn't mind all the publicity surrounding me. "We don't have to go to dinner," I had said to him earlier on the phone. "Don't be silly," he said. "After all you've done for me I'm just thrilled that I have an opportunity to do something for you." "You may need to move off campus after all this explodes," I said, already thinking about his safety. "Gee, that would be just terrible," he said sarcastically. "I'd like a place in the East Village if you don't mind." I hung up the phone laughing, somehow convinced that everything would be ok. "Maybe I shouldn't come back to your place," Colin said to me after dinner, in the car on the way back to my apartment. "I want you to," I said. "Unless of course any of this has made you uncomfortable." Colin had been around me before with my fans and my bodyguards, but having to push through reporters going to and leaving the restaurant was something new. "I'm not bothered by any of this, Nathaniel," Colin said. "To be honest, I think it's kind of funny that people are even going to try and make a big deal out of this." "Well, to a lot of people, it is a really big deal," I said. "If people don't like you, you shouldn't care if they go to see your films." "I agree," I said. "I just don't want to lose the chance to do good work because of this." I looked out of the car window. I was already growing tired of this subject. Part of me was worried that I wasn't taking it all seriously enough. Another part of me wondered if maybe I had finally reached an important and positive level of maturity. My thoughts led me to think how I wished JC could learn to feel this way. It was liberating and it was the truth. "So what did you think of my brother?" I asked Colin in the moments we had before we would have to push our way into my apartment building. "He's adorable. A very sweet bloke," he said. "And his boyfriend," he began with a smile. "Don't say it," I interrupted, rolling my eyes. "I never thought I would meet an actual member of the Lollipop Guild." "He wasn't that short," I laughed. "No, seriously," Colin continued. "He was so cute that I was thinking about popping him into my briefcase and taking him home with us." We both began to laugh louder. A week later I was in LA, in another limousine, about to step out onto the red carpet at the Golden Globe Awards. I made the bold step of asking Colin to come with me, and he happily agreed. It was a good image to promote. I acted totally unashamed by the photo, and now it had become known that I was seriously dating the man in the picture with me. I was a bit surprised that with all of the commotion, I had not heard from JC. It kind of reaffirmed to me that it was the right decision to leave him, if he couldn't so much as pick up the phone to see how I was doing with the entire country's attention on me. The press had been following me everywhere I went. While I didn't give any formal interviews, if someone asked me an appropriate question I would answer. Filming on the streets of Manhattan had become quite a chore with the growing crowds surrounding us, but we were managing, and I hadn't been fired. I also learned that my modeling contract, as well as the contract for my next few films was still valid, suggesting that the studios still had hoped that I would be a marketable commodity. In all fairness, the roles I took were never simple man-woman relationship type ones. My characters always tended more toward the strange or cerebral, which hopefully would make the public more accepting of my sexual orientation. The style reporters had a field day with Colin and I on the red carpet. We both looked quite stunning, and on that night, all the people that we spoke to were supportive and sometimes appreciative of the position I was taking. "I'm just trying to live my life the way that I think I should," I said, quite a few times. When I presented an award later in the evening with Gwyneth Paltrow, the co-star of my upcoming film, I walked over to the podium and said, "Read any good articles lately?" The audience, now an audience of my peers, burst into applause. They would all have probably loved it if I decided to become the spokesperson for gay America, but I really wasn't interested in tackling that role, nor did I feel particularly qualified for it. "Read?" Gwyneth laughed. "Who reads?" The after-party was the first time I had become available to the Hollywood social scene since the publication of the photo. Within minutes, I had been offered the cover of every gay magazine if I agreed to tell my story. Within an hour I had basically been informed that I would be receiving every award every gay organization had to give. "All this without even saying 'I'm gay," I said with a laugh to Colin during one of the brief moments we had alone. "You better get moving," Colin leaned in and whispered to me. "Looks like the lesbians from GLAAD are headed back over here." I had to admit that there was an element of fun to all of this. I had always liked being the center of attention, and I certainly was that for the moment. Knowing that I still had a career is what made it most enjoyable. My whole life, the thing I always cared about above everything else was being able to act. While I had learned to make acting only one of the priorities in my life, it nonetheless was affirming to know that I could continue doing it, at least for the next couple of years. I was becoming hoarse from all the talking I was doing when I noticed a familiar face sitting at nearby table. He noticed me at almost the same time, and came over to me quicker than I had expected. "Hi Lance," I said, reaching out my hand. He shook it for a moment and then pulled me into a hug. "Nathaniel Murray, how the fuck are you?" he laughed, slapping his hand against my arm. "So I hear you're a big queer now," he said, laughing again. "You only wish you knew how big," I smiled, looking around the room. "What happened to you?" Lance asked. "I thought we were buddies. Then you up and leave Josh, and I never hear from you again." "You know the reason for that, Lance," I said. "You're 90 percent Josh's friend, and maybe 10 percent mine. He had to win you in the break up." "Well, I wish I had a say in the matter," he said. "Josh has been a real bundle of misery since you guys split up." "That's a shame," I said. "Have I introduced you to my boyfriend, Colin?" Colin had been standing right next to me, observing the verbal parlay between us. He shook Lance's hand. "Anybody who is ten percent Nathaniel's friend is a friend of mine," Colin said. "Don't be so sure," Lance said with a devilish grin. "I always thought Nate and Josh were the perfect couple." "Maybe you could get us some more drinks," I said to Colin before he had the chance to tell Lance off. Colin said 'sure,' rolled his eyes, and headed back toward the bar. "So," Lance began. "Aren't you going to ask?" His eyes were large and blue-green. "Ask what?" I said. "About Josh," he said. "Don't you want to know where he is and how he's been?" "I have thought that it was a little strange that he hasn't contacted me at all, even with all of this new publicity." "Maybe he can't. Maybe he doesn't know." Lance was speaking in such a cryptic way that my curiosity was certainly getting peaked. Still, I hated to give him what he wanted. "Where is Josh?" I asked, finally, surrendering to Lance's will. "Don't know," he said, shaking his head. "What the fuck is this?" I snapped. "Quit jerking me around." "I don't know exactly where he is," Lance continued. "Our boy decided that he needed to get away from everything for a while. He was starting to spin out of control a bit." "Are you saying he's in rehab?" I asked, wanting to get all the facts as quickly as possible. "Not exactly," Lance said. "It's more like a life retreat. They have them all over the country, and celebrities and other rich but miserable people seem to get a lot out of them." "So Josh has joined a cult?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together. None of this was making any sense to me. "No, it's nothing like that," he said. "They have real therapists and everything. I think it's more for people who aren't exactly addicted to anything, but might be in the future if they don't get their shit together, you know what I mean?" "I guess," I said. "So when did he go? Where is he? How is he doing there?" A familiar, protective nature was rising within me. Obviously something had gone terribly wrong with JC, and I felt bad not having been able to discover it myself, or to help him in any way. "He went earlier this month, and the thing is, I don't know which one he went to and they aren't allowed to communicate with the outside world. We looked into a few of them, but he thought it would be better if I didn't know which one he finally chose. So far, no one has known about any of this except me. Well, and you." "Why are you telling me any of this?" I asked. I always had trouble understanding Lance's different agendas. I was also surprised at the idea of Lance being the person who ultimately got JC to get the help that he needed. "I don't know," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Just thought you might like to know." His devilish grin returned, and he tapped me lightly on the shoulder with his fist. "It was good seeing you again, Nate," he said. "Try not to be a stranger." He turned around and headed back into the crowd. Colin returned, coming up behind me and slipping a new glass into my hand. "Thanks, Josh," I said, turning toward him. "Sorry," I said quickly, noticing the slightly perplexed expression on his face. "Colin." ---------- Colin let out a loud groan, his head thrusting up toward the ceiling, his body then collapsing on top of mine. I struggled to catch my breath as he rolled off of me and hopped out of bed. He came back from the bathroom a few moments later, sitting up in the bed, lighting up a cigarette. "This is a non-smoking hotel room," I said, staring up at the ceiling, my hands resting on my chest. "Ah, come on then. Let's live like rock stars," he said sarcastically, bringing the cigarette down to my lips. I took a drag and blew the smoke up over my head. "You realize that the only times in my life that I smoke are when I am with you," I sighed, looking over at him. "Happy to help," he laughed. I was silent for some time, my eyes returning to the ceiling. "I'm sure he's fine," Colin said after a few minutes. It was strange how direct he could be about everything. He never seemed jealous or challenged when the subject of JC came up. "I feel just awful that it's come to this," I said. "What could he possibly be thinking?" "Sounds like he decided to take the time to fix whatever was wrong with him," Colin said. "I think Lance wants me to go find him," I said. "Are you going to?" Colin asked. "I think so," I said. I decided to be just as honest with Colin as he seemed to always be with me. "Would that bother you?" "Not at all," he said. "If it's what you want to do." "I don't really know. I don't know if he's even thinking this, but I just feel like, right now, he should know that I don't hate him. I don't want him to think that he hurt me in some profound way." "But I thought he had," Colin offered. "He did," I affirmed. "But it wasn't ever really directed toward me. It was some kind of upset that he had inside himself, and eventually it had to boil over. "How will you find him?" "I'm a celebrity," I smiled. "How hard can it be?" ---------- As it was turning out, it was quite difficult even for a celebrity to find JC. In the week following the Golden Globes, there was a slight stirring in the media when it was announced that JC's anticipated winter tour had been cancelled without any explanation. Overhearing different entertainment shows or watching MTV, I could see that people were wondering where he had vanished. Through different contacts, I compiled a short list of places that JC might be. For the moment, I was not even wondering why I was even trying to find him. It just felt like something I either had to or was supposed to do. Of course, calling the different places was useless. They certainly weren't going to give me their client list. I thought about trying to check myself into the different places, but not actually being in need of their services made me a bit unwilling to risk anyone ever finding out and thinking I was unstable. More days passed and soon I found myself in the middle of February. I was back in New York, still at work on my next film. The excitement over my 'outing' was diminishing slightly, and I wondered a bit if people were going to just decide to forget about it so that they could enjoy my films without having to think about anything that might make them uncomfortable. As I sat in my living room, watching a light snowfall, I talked to Maggie, who was in LA making a film. "Do you have the day off?" I asked her, realizing that she must since she was talking to me in the middle of the afternoon. "Yes," she said. "And after a day of simulated sex with Russell Crow, I deserve it." "Yikes," I said. "Are you enjoying yourself at all?" "Not really," she said. "But I'll probably get an Oscar for it." "And how are things going with the new beau?" "I think we're going to get married," she laughed. "I haven't felt like this since, well, since the last guy I thought I was going to marry." "So, how is the rest of filming going?" I asked, biding my time. "Aside from having Russell Crow on top of you." "I was wondering when we were going to get to it," she said. "Get to what?" I asked. "Nate, you called me a week ago and commanded me to do whatever it was I had to do to find out where little JC had gone to." "Yeah," I said. "But I am interested in hearing about your day, too." "Yeah, right," Maggie laughed. "Nate, I'm just not sure you should go and see him. Maybe he needs to be by himself." "Wait," I interrupted, nearly jumping off of the couch. "You know where he is?" "I do, Nate," Maggie said calmly and slowly. "One of the people I'm working with just came back from one of those things, and I practically had to kill him to get him to tell me about JC." "Where is he?" I asked excitedly. "Nate," Maggie said with some concern in her voice. "Please, just tell me," I said. "Ok," she said, taking a deep breath. "I just hope you know what you are doing." ---------- Truth was, I didn't know what I was doing. I was driving through the Arizona desert to see the man who had devastated me, and who I had made sure that I didn't waste the past few months thinking about. With an actual disguise that included a fake mustache, wig and colored contacts, I was actually able to rent a car in Phoenix and drive myself out to the Water Lily Desert Retreat. I still didn't know what I was going to do when I got there. I didn't even know how I was going to get in. If I was able to see JC, I figured that I would just let him know that I still cared about him, that I didn't harbor any bad feelings toward him, and that I hoped he got what he wanted out of life. Of course, I could just tell him all of that when he came back. I drove on, starting to seriously wonder why I was doing this. Maybe it was because I was narcissistic. Maybe it was because I was somehow trying to make this all about me. But that certainly wasn't a flattering way to look at the situation. I also had to consider that I was still in love with JC, but that just seemed idiotic given all that had happened. Besides, I was with somebody else now who I was on the verge of falling in love with. No, I thought. I had to be doing this simply because it was the right thing to do. I found the correct road and approached the Retreat. To my surprise, it looked like a simple ranch with a simple unpaved parking lot. There were no gates, at least on the outside, so I took a deep breath, climbed out of the car and headed inside. The inside of the building created an immediate antidote to the harsh heat of the desert. Almost everything was made of warm wood, except for the floors which were all stone. It certainly wasn't the kind of place for people considering hurting themselves, yet it also didn't seem to be the typical kind of Hollywood crap clinic that takes your money and teaches you that it's ok to be completely selfish. "Can I help you?" the receptionist asked, already looking a little confused. "Yes," I said. "I'm here to see JC Chasez." I smiled brightly thinking that she would be more than happy to help me out. "We can't tell you who is staying with us," she said firmly. "But if you give me your name, I can check to see if you are on the visitor's list." "My name?" I thought to myself. Had this woman not turned on her TV in the past two years? "Um, Nathaniel Murray," I said. "But he's not expecting me." "You're Nathaniel Murray?" the woman asked suspiciously. "Yes," I said with confusion. "I'm Nathaniel Murray." "Sir," she began. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Just as she said that I noticed a couple of security guards coming through a doorway. Something was going wrong, and I didn't understand why. The two guards came up on either side of me and began moving me toward the door. "Um, I think there has been some misunderstanding," I said. Was I really being thrown out? "We don't want any trouble," one of the guards said as we pushed through the doors. Instinctively, I started resisting. I didn't like the feeling of having my movements controlled. Of course, my actions only made the guards try to restrain me even more, so we were soon all struggling and kicking up dirt in the parking lot. "We can call the police," the guard yelled. "Call them," I said, shoving him away. "I'm sure they'll want an autograph." I noticed a confused look on the guard's face, and suddenly I remembered that I was still wearing my disguise. Not only did these people want to protect their clients' privacy, they also thought I was an absolute nutcase claiming to be a movie star. "Wait! Wait!" I yelled, getting some distance from the guards. "This is just a disguise. I am Nathaniel Murray!" I pulled off the wig, thinking that would calm them down; but when it didn't, for lack of anything better to do, I started to run. I was hoping that I would look back on this situation someday and laugh. Since finding out that JC had stashed himself in one of these places, I didn't seem to be exhibiting any expected behavior. I was pretty sure that there were now more than two people running after me. I had gotten myself behind the main building and saw a fence in the distance. My goal was to hop over it and escape to freedom. Sure, I knew that I would most likely be in jail by this evening, but I also knew that I hadn't done anything so terribly wrong that my lawyer couldn't get me out of it. Admiring my own stamina, I had quickly hopped the fence and continuing my run. There was a group of people on horses in the distance, and it occurred to me that JC could be one of them. Maybe equestrian therapy was one of the methods that this place used. I ran toward the group, knowing that I was still being followed. "Josh! Josh!" I kept calling out, my arms flailing up and down. Different people started stopping their horses to look at me. I could tell that one of them in the distance was coming toward the others to see what had caught their attention. I was still a good bit away, but as that one rider turned, familiar blue eyes shot in my direction. It was JC. JC on a horse and in a cowboy hat. "Josh!" I yelled again. JC's eyes moved back toward me and I could see that he realized who I was. I smiled victoriously just as five large security guards threw themselves on top of me, burying my face in the dirt. It didn't matter. I had found him. ---------- I was kneeling on the ground, handcuffed behind my back when JC the Horseman approached. He looked down at me, his eyes squinting in the bright sun. "Nate?" he said, meaning, "What the hell are you doing?" "Hi," I said. "I came for a visit." "I like the mustache," he said sarcastically. "It's fake," I said. "I would pull it off, but I'm currently handcuffed." JC explained to the guards who I was and told them that it was ok to release me. They pulled me back onto my feet and freed my hands. I had only been handcuffed for maybe five minutes, but I still felt the need to rub my wrists and give nasty looks to the guards. "These celebrities are fucking crazy," I heard one of them say under his breath. "So, you ride?" I asked, looking up at JC. "I do now," he smiled. He looked behind him and saw that his group had moved further away. "Um, I should really go finish with them," he said. "We all go out riding for a couple of hours this time of day." "Oh, ok," I said. "That's fine. I'll wait for you inside. Take all the time you need." JC told the guards to show me to his room, and they agreed, quite reluctantly. The image of JC riding off into the sunset was a bit odd, but, well, whatever. "This has never happened before," one of the guards said to me as we walked back toward the ranch. "I've worked here for ten years, and this was the first exciting day I've ever had." "I'm glad I could help," I said cheerfully. "You should see what I have planned for tomorrow." I was left inside JC's room, which was really a private suite, with sitting room, kitchenette and bedroom. It was all very beautiful and rustic. I resisted the temptation to look around too much, and just sat in one of the armchairs, looking through the large windows as the sun began to set. About twenty minutes later, JC came in. He was wearing dark jeans, a denim shirt, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. "Boy, you really know how to dress the part," I smiled, standing up and walking over to him. I almost went to hug him, but for some reason I didn't. "Well, I'm still gay," he laughed, removing his hat. He was very tan and his hair was cut short, making him look boyish and making the angles of his face more prominent. "I would never go riding in the wrong outfit." "So, are you like, nuts now or something?" I asked with a smirk, looking around the room. "No," he laughed. "Well, not yet anyway." "Seriously though, how is this place working out for you?" I asked, starting to wander around the room. I needed to keep walking. "It's been great," he said. "I think it's been everything I needed it to be." "I'm happy to hear that," I said. "You look really rested." "I am," he said. "And you're not as thin as you were in December." "I've been eating better. The food is pretty good here." "Really? I'm starving." "Nate," JC said. He had a puzzled look on his face. I guess he knew I was stalling for time. "You're wondering why I am here, aren't you?" I asked. He didn't say anything. "To be quite honest," I continued, "I don't know. Lance told me that you were at one of these places and I just decided that I had to see you." "I certainly didn't expect this," JC said. "But I'm happy you are here." "Really?" I said, stopping in my tracks. "You're not mad?" "No," he said. "I mean, after a stunt like this I think you might want to see if they have any more rooms available here, but I appreciate your concern." "Josh, I..." "Nate," he interrupted again. I looked up at him, my eyes wide. "How about we have some dinner?" he suggested. I nodded. He walked over to the desk and picked up the phone. "Oh," he began. "And could you take out those stupid brown contacts?" ---------- We sat on the floor, eating on the coffee table in his room in front of the fireplace. It would have been a very romantic scene had we not both been so tense. JC had changed into a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, and he was wearing his glasses, which he seldom did when we were together. I soon had him rolling on the floor with laughter as I dramatically told him the story of my flight for freedom a few short hours ago. He talked to me about all of the different things he was learning at the ranch, and how he really felt that he was starting to take control of his own life. "I realize now that I just missed the chance to develop like most other people do," he said. "I mean, most people don't realize that they are gay when they are in the middle of becoming one of the biggest boy-bands on the planet. Kind of does stuff to you, you know?" "I would imagine," I said. "But I also realize now that I have to stop using that as some kind of excuse to not go forward. I can't change the past, so I have to make sure I don't ruin the future." "Sounds like you have it all figured out," I said. He did seem oddly confident. He was reminding me more of how he acted when we first met. "I'm getting there," he said. "I refuse to become one of those people who is just never happy. It seems so lame. Oh, and I've stopped drinking completely. I'm not saying that I'm an alcoholic or anything, but I realized I wasn't just drinking for a slight buzz anymore." I wasn't really sure what to think upon hearing all of this. In a lot of ways it seemed to good to be true. Was JC going to turn back into the perfect man, just when I started getting serious with Colin? My own question made me realize that Colin had only entered my mind now for the first time since I arrived. What that meant, I did not know, but I knew that I had to see what would unfold here. "So what's new with you?" JC asked, placing his fork back on his plate and looking at me contentedly. "You're kidding me, right?" I laughed before remembering that JC had been cut off from civilization for over a month. It was hard to tell him that I was now publicly gay, because it meant telling him that I was dating someone. He listened with great interest and maybe a touch of disbelief. By the time I was done explaining everything that had happened, JC looked quite resolved with his thoughts. "Well, you shouldn't have to be a poster boy all by yourself," he said. "I'll tell you what. As soon as I'm done with this place, I'm going to come out too. It's about time this fucking country grows up, don't you think?" "Josh, that's a very nice gesture, but we've been down this road before. You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. I'm really fine with everyone knowing. It's kind of a weight off my shoulders." "You must not have been listening to me," JC said. "Why do you think I'm here? I'm getting myself ready to live the life I know I'm supposed to. Nate, what happened to you was an accident, but when I do it, it will be very much on purpose." "You sound pretty reconciled," I said. "I'm not surprised." "Nate," JC continued. "The only thing I regret from any of this is that I let myself lose you." I could feel my pulse start to quicken. I had been waiting for the conversation to turn in this direction, but didn't know what I was going to do about it. Usually JC was the nervous one. Now I was the wreck. "Josh," I began. "We can't go..." "I'm coming back for you too," JC said matter-of-factly. "I know that I hurt you, but I also know that we belong together. I never wanted anything in my life as much as I wanted you, and I still do." "I don't know what to say," I said, shaking my head. "I'm with somebody else now. It's not even right to be talking about this." "You don't love him," JC said. "I know what you look like when you are in love." "I could love him," I said, wondering what point I was trying to make. "We've only just begun. I needed to take things slow." "Things went pretty fast with us," JC said. "I'm older now," I countered. "I can't throw myself up in the air again like that." "Because you're afraid of getting hurt again. Nate, I'm telling you I will never hurt you." "You can't promise that," I said. The fire felt like it was getting hotter and hotter against my face. I had to stand up and start walking again. "Nate, look at where you are," JC said. "You must have spent weeks trying to find me and then you almost got yourself arrested. For what? Just to say 'hi'?" "I wanted to know that you were ok." "I'm fine," he said, placing his hands behind him on the ground and leaning back on them. "You want to go now that you have that information?" I stopped dead in my tracks. Not only was JC becoming cocky, he was becoming a good game player as well. "No," I said, quietly. Why lie at this point? "Come back and sit down," he said. I made my way back down beside him next to the fire. I thought that I had put such a wall up around myself, and was surprised by how easily JC seemed to be able to tear it down. I didn't know what to do with him when he was depressed and insecure. Now that he wasn't, I didn't know whether everything should just be forgiven. JC took my hand and placed it between both of his. I let him, of course. This wasn't infidelity. This was pure confusion. "I've done a lot of crazy things over the years," he said. "And you know about almost all of them. Now that I'm done with all of that, why can't we just pick up from where we left off?" "You make it sound so easy, Josh. What about how much you hurt me? What about the fact that I wasn't able to help you when you obviously needed it? What about Colin? I'm just supposed to throw him away now that you claim to have turned into Mr. Perfect?" JC looked away from me for a moment, then turned back. "Basically," he said, shrugging his shoulders. I actually had to let out a small laugh. "Nate, I love you," he said, squeezing my hand tighter between his own. "I still have the ring, I..." "Stop it," I said, pulling away from him. It was all too much, too soon. He wouldn't let go of my hand. He pulled me back toward him and planted his lips against mine. I resisted at first, but the familiarity of the sensation quickly overwhelmed me, and soon I was kissing him back. My memory had obviously served me well, as each caress of his lips felt just as it always had; warm, gentle, perfect. He eased me onto my back and straddled my thighs as he leaned down to kiss me more. His strong hands held the sides of my face as my own began to reintroduce themselves to the musculature of his back. I was letting myself get swept away, and I knew that I shouldn't be. JC's hands moved down and started to unbutton my shirt. This was the time to stop it, I knew, but I couldn't end our kissing. Not yet. His warm hands began to caress my chest, making me start to stiffen as his lips moved to my neck and then slowly down my chest. I knew that it was time to make a decision. As I saw it, I had three options. First, I could sleep with JC and not tell Colin, putting myself right back into the role of a complete asshole. Second, I could sleep with JC and then immediately break up with Colin and see what happens. Third, I could stop this all right now before a lot of people were left feeling hurt and confused. It must be my age, I thought, rolling my eyes before looking down to see JC's hand move to my belt buckle. I decided on option three. "Josh, I just can't," I said, sitting up and motioning his hand away. "It's just not right." JC sat back on his heels, looking a bit like a sad puppy dog. I looked at his lips, wanting so much to feel them against me again. Of all the people in the world, why this one guy was able to send my heart spinning at any moment I did not know. "Just admit that you still love me," JC said. It didn't sound desperate. I liked that. "I can't," I said, buttoning up my shirt. "I'm not saying that I don't, but I just need time to think. This has gotten way more intense than I expected it to be." "If you are asking me to fight for you, I will," he said. "I've got no problem doing it." "Maybe we can have lunch or something when you get out of here," I said. It was lame, but I didn't know what else to do. "Ouch," he said. "Um, ok." "Josh, I'm scared that my coming here is now going to somehow mess up all the stuff you have been working on. That really wasn't my intention." "I know that," he said. "And you haven't messed up anything. Nate, I'm not a ticking time bomb, and I'm not nuts. I know who I am and I know what I want." "Good," I said. "I feel better then." I looked at my watch, feeling like a total idiot. "I should get going." "Sure," JC said sarcastically. "Go ahead and drive through the desert in the middle of the night." He was smiling again. "Oh," I said. "I guess I hadn't thought about that." "I'll get you a room," JC said, getting up and walking over to the phone. "So," he began after making the arrangements and as I stood in the doorway about to leave his room. "I guess I should say: may the best man win?" "Oh lord," I said. "You're going to be the death of me." ---------- The next morning we had breakfast in the beautiful dining room. The sun was back on full blast, and I knew that I needed to get out of this place as soon as possible since the staff looked like they were about to go postal. I was still being viewed as an intruder. Over orange juice and waffles, I told JC about my last encounter with the ghosts and about Edward having a boyfriend. I had to admit that it felt very 'right' to be sharing these stories with him, but I was still unwilling to totally trust my emotions. JC walked me out to my rental care, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Don't you want to leave me with any hope?" he said, putting his sunglasses on. I wanted to say that it wouldn't be right. I wanted to say that I didn't want to be pressured. "I will tell you this," I began, despite any of my previous intentions. "Last night was the most fun I've had in a really, really long time." "Hmm, " JC smiled, turning on his heel. "That will do for now." I headed back to the airport. Once again I was faced with new options and new directions for my life. Once again, I had no idea what to do. ---------- After leaving Arizona, I spent a few days in Los Angeles with Maggie before heading back to New York. "It sounds like he's really done a turn around," Maggie said over lunch at an outdoor café on Sunset Blvd. It was actually safer to be a celebrity in LA. Everyone around me liked to think that they were more important than I was, and therefore I was able to eat in relative peace, aside from the paparazzi in the bushes across the street. "Yes, apparently he is perfect now," I sighed. "I'm sure he will make somebody very happy." "Somebody?" Maggie said. "What about you?" "Come on," I said, waving my hand. "I can't go back. Too much has happened. Besides, I'm with somebody else now." "You sound very convincing," Maggie said, rolling her eyes. "Why don't you just wait and see if he does everything he said he was going to?" "You never seemed to be a huge fan of JC and I as a couple," I said. "Why do you all of the sudden think that we should just ride off into the sunset together?" "Because I'm getting married," Maggie replied, my jaw dropping open. She leaned in closer. "And I'm not in love." "Wait. What? Why?" I was completely dumbfounded. "All good questions," Maggie laughed. "Listen, I'm not saying I'm unhappy. It's the right decision for me at this point in my life. All I am saying is that if you are looking for true love, you can't close any doors. God, how many days have I sat here listening to how much you loved Josh, and how much he loved you?" "I know, I know," I said. "I'm just so worried about making a mistake. I don't want to hurt Colin or JC, but I know that I'll end up hurting one of them. Maybe JC and I just had our chance. Maybe it's time for Colin and I." "Does Colin know that you went to see Josh?" Maggie asked. "Of course," I said. "He told me to go." Maggie's eyes widened. "And what does that tell you?" she asked. "It tells me that he is mature," I said. "That he is a real grown-up." Maggie didn't look convinced. "You disagree?" I asked. "Sounds to me like he is a little ambivalent," she said. "I'd kill the guy I was dating before I would let him travel across the country to see his ex-girlfriend. Even if she was at the Betty Ford Clinic." I wanted to immediately snap back that she was wrong, but Maggie had a funny way of making me look at things in a different way. Was I really in the middle of a love triangle? Was Colin not everything he seemed to be and was JC everything I wanted him to be? Maggie was right about one thing. It did still remain to be seen if JC was now the strong person he was claiming to be. But what if he did do everything he said? What if he became the next big star to 'come out' and then showed up on my doorstep, ready to fight for me? I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "Ahah," Maggie said, laughing and pointing. "You're speechless! For the first time in your life!" "Very funny, " I laughed back, grabbing her finger and shaking it up and down. "Fine, fine, you've made your points. Now what the hell is all of this about you getting married?" ---------- I was in my apartment, preparing a recipe from a gigantic cookbook my mother had sent to me. I had only arrived back in New York a few hours ago, and was once again enjoying the momentary solitude. Colin was on his way over, and while nothing had technically changed between us, seeing JC was certainly making me reevaluate my relationship and myself. Colin arrived, pressing up against my back while I was slicing potatoes. I automatically raised my shoulders, making him take a step back. "Someone is a little tense," he said, moving to my side. "Are you ok?" "I'm fine," I said quickly. "Sorry. You just startled me." "You had the doorman send me up and you left the door open," he replied. "I know. Sorry," I said. I leaned over and kissed him affectionately. "That's a little better," he said. "How was the trip?" "Good," I said. "Maggie is getting married, and I met with the producers of my next film. They actually seem to feel confident about me being in it. Looks like I might be headed toward becoming the first openly gay movie star." "Great," Colin said. "And how was JC?" I turned back to the potatoes, biting my lip. "Good," I said, before too much time had passed. "He seems like he's got his life under control again." "That's nice to hear. Does he want you back now?" Colin asked with a not of sarcasm in his voice. I turned to face him, wondering how quickly I wanted to get into all of this. I didn't even know if it was something worth getting into. JC had seemed resolved in the past, with disastrous results. I didn't know if I should be thinking that this time would be any different. "Um, I don't think he would be against the idea," I said. "What does that mean?" Colin asked. "Did he say that he wants you back?" "What does it matter?" I asked back. "It's not a one-way decision." "So you are thinking of going back to him?" It was strange how Colin was able to ask me all of these questions while keeping his voice so flat. Maybe it was an English thing. "No," I said. "I'm standing here in the kitchen with you, aren't I?" Colin looked at me and smiled cunningly before walking past me, brushing against my shoulder on his way to the living room. "What is all that going to turn into?" he asked from the living room, referring to the meal I was making. I looked back at the cookbook, realizing that in my confusion the pages had turned. "I have no idea," I said, putting down the knife I was holding and taking a step back. ---------- Another month had passed. Spring had arrived, though the New York weather didn't seem to notice. Natalie Portman and I were still making our film, and becoming very good friends. "You realize that you are the first person to make me feel old," I would tease her. At her young age, she had already had so much success and done so much good work that it made my "late 20s" celebrity seem a little less exciting. I had not heard anything from JC, but I learned from Lance that JC was planning on leaving the ranch within the next week. I didn't know if he was coming for me, or if I wanted him to, so I did what I usually did: throw myself into my work. Colin and I were still doing our usual routine. There were still no arguments. Everything still felt effortless. Colin flew back and forth from London to New York, and when we were both able to be together, we were. When we weren't I didn't find myself missing him. In the previous months, I had never compared Colin to JC, and it was strange to notice a little bit of that was now taking place. When Colin would do or say something, I would hear a voice in my head wondering what JC would do if he was in a similar situation. It was a bit crazy, but then again, JC and I had a long history. Up until our breakup, I seriously had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him completely. A month ago he told me that he was prepared to be all that I wanted him to be and more. If it was true, what was I supposed to do? I tried telling myself that I was in love with Colin, but I couldn't get myself to believe it. I also didn't get the feeling that he was in love with me. Still, I understood that feelings could change over time, and given how compatible Colin and I seemed to be, I didn't want to throw the relationship away. I knew that I had to take things as they came. "Late March sure looks a lot like late February," Morris said to me over morning coffee in one of our favorite spots. Aside from having every Queen come over to thank me for my bold (if totally unintentional) step, life slowly started going back to normal. I guess the world really had started to change I thought to myself. A few years ago Janet Jackson's breast has almost thrown the country back to the 1950s. Now, everyone seemed pretty comfortable with the "most beautiful movie actor" preferring members of his own gender. "So listen," I started, putting my cup down. "I've been talking with a few producers about the independent film project that I'm going to do." "Cool," Morris said, looking around at the other table to see if anyone had left a newspaper around. "Are you even listening to me?" I laughed, waving my hand in front of his face. "Yes," he said, straightening up. "Sorry." "Anyway," I continued. "I have this idea for a period piece about the ghosts that I lived with in London." "The 19th century gay ghosts?" Morris asked. "Yes," I said, rolling my eyes. "The gay ghosts. Don't you think it would be cool? It would basically be a Victorian romance, only both characters would be men living in a world that won't even acknowledge them." "Sounds very Merchant-Ivory," Morris said. "You think it could be successful?" "I don't know," I said. "I'm not too worried about that part. I've just been thinking it would be kind of hypocritical if, after all that has happened, I never played a gay character. I don't wont to be like Ellen, you know what I mean?" "Yeah," he said. "And you think that putting it in a different time period could take the edge off of the topic a little." "Exactly," I replied. "I just need to find an awesome writer and director." "And co-star," Morris said, looking around the room again. "Boy," I laughed. "You have really gotten dense in your old age, haven't you?" "What?" he asked, looking at me innocently. "I want you to be in it with me. After all these years, I think it's time we work together professionally." Morris stitched his eyebrows together. "Are you serious? But I've never made a film before." "There's a first time for everything buddy." I could tell that Morris was worried that I was doing him a "favor" so I made a serious effort to tell him what a great actor I thought he was, and that I would be really comfortable working with him on a film that dealt with a "sensitive" topic. Afterward, I also assured him that I actually had the say over who got cast. "Don't worry," I laughed. "If I'm telling you that you can do it, you can count on it." "Wow," Morris said, after we had gotten through all the details. "After all this time, we're going to become lovers." "I know it's what you've been waiting for," I laughed. I noticed a person across the way exit the restaurant, leaving their newspaper on their table. "There's a paper over there," I motioned to Morris. He quickly darted off and snatched it. "Are you really so desperate for news?" I asked. "Don't you care about what is going on in the world?" Morris quipped, flipping the paper open. "No," I said. "I stopped reading the newspaper and watching TV. I'm always afraid they are going to say something about me." "Well fuck me sideways," Morris said from behind the paper, much to my surprise. "Problem?" I said, lifting myself up to see his face from behind the paper. He looked up at me and turned the pages around so that they were facing me. The headline of Page Six read: "Out of Sync? JC Chasez Comes Out." "Well fuck me sideways too," I said, dropping back into my chair and taking the paper in my hands. "The little fucker went and did it." "The article says that he told his whole story to Oprah and that they taped an episode that will air early next week," Morris said, trying to catch me up to speed. "Damn," I said. "He got Oprah before I did." "I guess the information got leaked from that interview," Morris said. "Do you think this will be ok for him?" "I don't know," I said. "He told me that he was going to 'come out' and well, he actually did. So I guess he really is ready." "This is going to be weird," Morris said. "Two really famous people come out within a few months of each other, and then get together?" "Get together?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "What makes you think we are getting back together?" "Come on, Nate," Morris said. "I've seen you two together. And you said yourself that you couldn't be with JC because he wasn't comfortable with himself." Morris pointed to the paper. "It looks like he's comfortable with himself now, so what's the problem?" "It's not that simple," I began. "Oh come on, Nate, knock it off. Some things are that simple. You love Josh and he loves you." He paused for a moment. "And you know that Colin isn't the right person for you." "I know," I said quickly, my eyes almost bugging out of my head at my own admission. "Oh my God," I said. Clarity was a strange sensation. "I know." Why was I suddenly able to admit it to myself? Was it because I still loved JC? Or was it just the fact that, since I found myself torn, I knew that things must not be perfect between Colin and I. In this moment, I knew that I had to break up with Colin. It wasn't necessarily so that I could be with JC, but I knew that I didn't want to be in a relationship that I wasn't totally invested in. Colin came over that night and I told him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore. He took the news the way he seemed to take everything. He was fine with it. "This has been a lot of fun," he said. "It's a shame to see it end." "I agree," I said. It had been fun, and I didn't have any regrets. The problem was that Colin was happy to let things stay the way they were forever. I had been enjoying myself too, but I had also been hoping that it would lead to something deeper. On his way out, Colin turned back to me and I wondered if he had to do the requisite male, "piss me off" thing. "I heard the news about JC today," he said. I just nodded. "Do you think you guys will be getting back together?" "I don't know," I said honestly. "I haven't heard from him. I don't know how he feels about me and, to be quite honest, I don't know how I feel about him." Colin nodded. I thought he would say more but he didn't. He said goodbye and that seemed to be it. In time, I felt that Colin and I would be able to speak again. We had been friends before, and we would continue to be. We didn't have an epic romance or a tragic breakup. We would both be fine. ---------- JC's 'coming out' went pretty much the same way mine did. After his Oprah interview aired, there was an explosion of publicity surrounding him. His every move was watched and analyzed, and more attention was thrust back onto me since people had always suspected that we had been a couple. All of the other members of NSYNC (except for Justin) publicly stated how proud they were of him and what a great person he was. I imagined that Justin was probably spitting nails, but since he had no intention of going back to his group, maybe he just simply didn't care. Watching the Oprah interview was surreal, to say the least. JC looked simply radiant. He was more rested than I had ever seen him. His hair was short and dark, his eyes bright and blue. He spoke clearly and emotionally about what it was like to be gay and to live life in the spotlight. He talked about how bad it made him feel to know that teenage girls all over the world adored him, but that they could never have him. Oprah responded well to him, and by the interviews end, JC had turned himself into a heroic figure. It was thrilling to see the self-assurance in his speech. In many ways, watching him on TV felt like it used to feel before I even knew him. I was fascinated, and a bit smitten. It was early May, and JC had still not contacted me. Despite the feelings that I now knew I still had for him, I wasn't going to make the first move. He was the one who had left, so he had to be the one to come back. I had finished the film with Natalie Portman and was in the middle of doing publicity for the film I made with Gwyneth Paltrow, which was about to be released. We had somehow arranged for the premiere to be in New York, which was scheduled for tomorrow night. I was in my bedroom with Edward, looking at a dozen suits strewn across the bed. They had been sent to me by all of the top designers. "How about this one?" Edward said, holding up a black Roberto Cavalli. "I'm thinking about the light-colored Valentino," I said, folding my arms. "It's a bit more spring-y, don't you think?" "Yeah," Edward said, putting the black suit back down. "You're better at this than I am." "I've just had more practice," I smiled. "Are you bringing Joe tomorrow night?" "No," Edward said, his mood changing. "I'm mad at him." "Mad at him? Why?" "He got a summer job playing with a symphony in Los Angeles. He got it after I had already gotten a job here in New York." Edward was looking at me as though I should be just as enraged. "Hmm, so you think he doesn't care about you enough if he's willing to move to LA for the summer?" I didn't know anything about symphonies, but I doubted there was an abundance to choose from. "He said he would come back every other weekend or some crap like that," Edward said. "Oh," I said. "Isn't that a good thing?" "No!" Edward yelled. "Every other weekend isn't the same as every day!" "Let me get this straight," I said. "Or gay, whatever you prefer." Edward didn't laugh. "Um, so you guys have spent every day together since you started dating?" "Yes, and if that changes I just know the whole thing will fall apart." "Edward, what are you talking about?" I asked shaking my head. "Joe has goals just like you do. If you don't both pursue your own careers, you'll both just end up resenting each other." Edward looked like a five year old who wants to throw a temper tantrum but realizes he has little ground to stand on. "I'll miss him," he said under his breath. "Aww," I said, smiling and giving him a hug. "That is really cute." "I'm still mad," Edward said, pouting. "Weekend sex isn't an adequate substitute for everyday." "I know, Edward," I started absentmindedly. "But you'll see. Wait. Everyday?" Edward smiled politely, blushed and walked out of the room. I sighed, looking at the suits and pining away for my lost youth. A breeze came in from the bedroom window, reminding of the new season. Warm air was filtering in, boosting my mood. "Hey, Edward," I called out of the room. "How about I make dinner tonight? You know, like I used to do before becoming the most famous queer on the planet." "Sounds great," Edward yelled back. I heard the kitchen cabinets closing. "But I think your ex might be the most famous queer these days." I decided to head down to the Chelsea Market. It had been a long time since I had done things on my own like that, and I no longer thought I was in that much danger. People knew I lived in the area, and were starting to respect that. Dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, I walked the aisles, politely nodding to people as they stared at me or said, 'hello.' It was such a nice day, that everyone appeared to be content with their own shopping. I picked out bread, some pasta and a bunch of fresh tomatoes. I was currently working on the Italian chapter of my new cookbook. Minding my own business, I realized how happy I was. There had been so many ups and downs in my life that for a long time, I didn't know if it was all going to work out. Now, everything just seemed to be moving along nicely. I had good relationships with all of my family and friends. I was healthy. I was 'out.' I was an actor. Yes, I was alone, but I could now clearly see the dramatic difference between being alone and being lonely. It was about 4:30 pm when I got back to my apartment. I was thinking that when I got back upstairs I would encourage Edward to invite Joe over for dinner. The role of cupid was a fun one to play. As I approached my apartment, I noticed a moving truck parked in front and a man sitting on the marble ledge extending from the building. From the distance he looked attractive and I wondered if I perhaps had a sexy new neighbor moving in. He was wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses, and his arms were long, taught and tan. There was a girl standing next to him as he wrote something down. This guy hadn't even moved in yet and was already giving out his number? I shook my head as I neared closer, the picture starting to become clearer. The man handed the paper and pen back to the girl and she seemingly thanked him before happily walking away. I came under the awning and realized it was no man sitting there, smiling contentedly to himself. Well, not any man, anyway. It was JC. "Hello there," he said, his head nodding, his mouth smiling. His large black sunglasses shielded his brilliant eyes from me, but I was sure that they must have been filled with excitement. I almost dropped my bags, but I was determined to play it cool. "What brings you here?" I asked, as though seeing him here was nothing out of the ordinary. "I need shoes," he said, reminding me of the week we had first met. "I thought we could go do some shopping." "I was going to make dinner," I said. I thought I was playing it cool, but I was really a little stunned. "I can see that," he said, standing up. He took off his sunglasses and squinted, his eyes adjusting to the light. There was a bit of silence as I realized that the doorman was nearby, watching our conversation. I glared at him and he quickly busied himself inside. "I told you I would be coming," JC smiled. "You're a man of your word," I said. I looked out onto the street. "This would be quite a photo opportunity," I said. "I don't care," JC said, shrugging his shoulders. I wondered how long we could stand out here before a crowd formed. "Do you?" "No," I said, moving my head back and forth. "Look," JC said, stepping closer to me. "I know that I just showed up out of the blue and that you probably have someone waiting for you upstairs, but I just wanted you to know that I'm back, and ready to fight for you." I let a small laugh escape my lips. I was a bit nervous. "Um, you do look like you've been bulking up a bit." "So tell me what I have to do," he said. "Josh, you don't have to do anything. You never did. I just wanted you to be happy." "I am happy," he said. "I'm happier than I ever have been in my life. But something huge is still missing, and that's you." It would have been so easy to just drop my groceries and embrace him, letting the music start to soar and the picture start to fade out. I felt the same way. Being with JC would officially make everything perfect. However, I had learned over these months that I didn't need everything to be perfect, and I was afraid to let my guard down and risk getting hurt again. If JC and I were going to be together, I needed to know that it was not the result of an impulsive decision. "I'll leave you alone for now," JC said, making me realize that I hadn't responded for quite some time. "Josh," I started. "Why don't you come up and have dinner?" "Wow," he said. "You want to start the fight now?" "Oh," I laughed. "Not exactly. There's no one upstairs that you would be uncomfortable around." "You mean?" "Yeah, we broke up a couple of months ago," I said. "Edward is upstairs." "Edward?" JC said, his face beaming. "I miss seeing that little kid." "Well come on then," I said, swaying my grocery bags toward the door. "Ok," he said. "Lead the way." ---------- "Look who I found outside," I called out, entering the apartment with JC. Edward came into the room, his eyes lighting up as he ran over to hug JC. He embraced him tightly and I wondered if he was ever going to let go. I guess I never fully realized how much these two liked each other. I felt partly guilty for keeping them apart. JC and Edward began to help me prepare dinner, JC eventually being asked to sit down and watch as we finished up. Edward went on and on, telling JC about Joe. Apparently he wasn't mad at him anymore. "He sounds great," JC said. "I hope I get to meet him." Edward looked over at me when JC wasn't looking as though I was supposed to say, 'of course you will,' but I just rolled my eyes at him and motioned for him to continue talking. "Ok, this is ready," I said, putting the food on the plates and handing them to my guests as they filed into the dining room. We sat down and began to eat. I didn't say much. Edward and JC kept talking and talking while I sat there in amazement that JC was sitting at my dining room table once again. It felt comfortable enough, but part of me was like, 'is this it?' Were we a couple again without any formality? It didn't seem quite fair that he could months ago completely devastate me and now just have me back. Of course, the strange thing was that I didn't necessarily mind going back, but I wanted it to somehow be more special or magical. I wanted to know that it was right. Dinner ended and Edward stated that he had to get going. "But what about our Woody Allen film night?" I said, looking over at the videos on the coffee table. It had been our original plan for the evening. "Yeah," Edward began, looking at JC and then back at me. "Um, I've got a lot of stuff to do and I'm pretty tired." "Oh, well do you want me to ride back to your dorm with you?" I asked. I was trying to escape. "No, that's ok," Edward said, looking at me strangely. "It's such a nice night that I think I will walk." Edward said 'goodbye' to JC and I walked him to the door. "What the fuck are you doing?" he said to me quietly in the hallway. "I have no idea," I said. "It feels weird," I said. "Nate, JC is in your apartment and is in love with you. Jump him and call it a day." "I wont be jumping anybody," I said. "Not tonight." "Ok," Edward said. "Just try to get out of your own way and see what makes you happy." Edward hugged me quickly and kissed me on the cheek. "I love you," he said, heading into the elevator. I took a deep breath and closed the door knowing that, now, JC and I were alone. "Nervous?" JC said, walking up to me in the living room. "Me?" I said smiling. "Well, to be honest, a little." "This is too much, too fast for you?" he asked, scratching his arm. "I know it shouldn't be," I said. At this point I thought I had to be as honest with JC as I could. We knew each other too well and had come to far. "It's great seeing you with Edward again. It feels like..." I paused for a minute, looking into his eyes. "It feels like family." JC smiled, placing his hand on my upper arm. "That's the best thing you could have said," he said. "On that positive note, I think I will leave for now." I nodded. It was a nice enough evening. Why ruin it with a lengthy conversation about whether or not we were right for each other? Now, JC stood in the hallway, waiting for the elevator. The doors opened and he stepped into it. "Josh, do you want to come to my premiere with me tomorrow?" I kind of blurted it out at the last second. The doors were already closing but I needed to know that I would see him again. "Sure," I heard him say, the doors closing. ---------- It was lucky that I had decided on the light suit, because JC showed up in a black one with a bright blue shirt. "Here come the Queens," he smiled in the limousine, heading toward the theater. "The press is going to go ape-shit," I said. It was kind of thrilling knowing that we had the power to command so much attention. "You're not going to blame me if this makes the movie flop, will you?" JC asked with a smirk. "I'll try not to." We arrived and exited the car, greeting the fans and the press as we walked the small red carpet. Halfway down the line, I realized that I had made a possibly small mistake in establishing myself publicly as the boyfriend of JC Chasez without deciding if I was privately. As people commented on what an adorable pair we made, I wondered what people like Rock Hudson would have thought had they been able to appear publicly as themselves. With one paparazzi photo, I had given myself a place in film history. With an appearance on Oprah, JC had most likely opened the door for other gay musicians. "Oh God," I said, crumpling into my chair once we were inside the theater. "What's wrong?" JC asked. "I just realized that I'm about to sit through one of my own films." It had been quite a long time since I had to do this, and it was uncomfortable to say the least. "I'm excited," JC said, squeezing my hand. "I'm sure you are wonderful." The film eventually began and I closed my eyes, thinking I might keep them closed the entire time. Of course, a few minutes into the film I did open them. It was surreal. Depending on the scene that was being shown, I could remember what had been happening the day I filmed it. The history of my relationship with JC in London could somehow be seen in it. It brought back a lot of both wonderful and upsetting feelings. The film ended and the audience began to roar with applause, everyone standing up to look at Gwyneth, who was sitting on the other side of me, and myself. It was a great film, I had to admit, much better than my first two in my opinion. It really seemed to say things about human relationships and I was quite happy with my performance in it. We went to the after-party where every celebrity in attendance felt the need to compliment JC and I on the 'brave' stance we were taking. "They make it sound like we went to war or something," I whispered to him while looking for our table. The evening went into full swing, and once again I was with JC, surrounded by actors and movie stars. There was a definite hierarchy in the entertainment industry. While musicians made more money, actors, at least serious ones, were viewed as more cultured and intellectual. I knew that, to many, JC would always look like a bit of a trinket on my arm, and over the past months I myself had wondered if that made us incompatible. Still, whenever we were alone, it never seemed to be an issue. The party certainly didn't give us the time for any intimate conversations, but it did allow me to become more comfortable being around him. I could easily predict what life with JC would be like, but I also questioned why it seemed inevitable that we would be together. We were both still relatively young. This wasn't either of our last chances to find love. The night ended and the limousine pulled up in front of my apartment. I moved toward the door, noticing the expression on JC's face. He was hoping that I would invite him up. "Josh," I began, my hand on the door handle. "Maybe it's just too soon for..." "I want to come upstairs with you," he interrupted, his voice decisive. He didn't look like he would take 'no' for an answer, so I nodded and let him come with me upstairs. I followed him into the apartment, closing the door behind me. When I turned back JC was standing right up against me, making me back up against the door. "Nate, I'm going to kiss you now," he said, his hands moving against the door on both sides of me. There was no time to protest and I didn't really want to. JC closed his eyes, his face moving closer to mine. His lips brushed against my own, moving them apart as he lightly slipped his tongue in my mouth. I closed my eyes and kissed him back. It was so much easier to do things without thinking about them. I could feel JC's body pressing closer to mine. He was already getting hard as he pulled his head back, looking at me intensely. "I had a lot of fun tonight," he said. "Me too," I said, wishing I could turn up the air conditioner. He kissed me again, a bit lighter this time. "I love you," he said. He was obviously expecting me to say the same, and a million voices in my head were screaming at me to just say it and relax. Still, there was that one voice that eventually drowned the others. It was the ever-present voice of doubt. A few seconds passed and the excitement in JC's face slowly began to drain away. "I just can't win," he said with a hurt smile, taking a step back. "Josh, I'm sorry, but I just don't..." "You don't have to say anything," he said, motioning with his hand. He turned away, very slowly walking a few steps away. He turned back to me with the same hurt smile on his face. "I guess I just thought that maybe one thing could be easy." "You wanted this to be easy?" I asked. "Josh, be a little realistic." "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked. "It means you've just stormed back into my life almost a year after storming out of it." "Nate, I can't go on apologizing forever. I was messed up back then." "Exactly," I said. "You were really messed up and now you act like everything is perfect and always will be." "I think it can be," he said. "Josh, not everything can be perfect. Believe me, I lived most of my life thinking it could. But now...now I just don't know." "Can't you just tell me what to do?" he asked. "I'm so afraid of making a mistake and losing you again. Nate, I know we are soul mates. Maybe it took us being apart to realize that." "It can't be forced, Josh. It just has to feel right." "So I'm just supposed to keep trying?" he asked. I put my hands over my face. I was getting overwrought very quickly. "Josh, let's just see what happens, ok?" I was hoping he would just say 'fine' and end the conversation. "See what happens?" he repeated, cocking his head back. "Fine, fine, he said moving toward the door. I was still in front of it and had to move out of the way. "This was really fucking romantic," he said, reaching for the door. "Josh, I don't know what to say. I'm just trying to be honest." "Yeah, stupid me for thinking that simply pledging myself completely to you would be enough," he snapped, leaving, slamming the door behind him. Two seconds later, the door flew open again. JC pointed his finger at me, his jaw clenched tightly. "You fucking love me and you are just too fucking scared to admit it." He slammed the door again and behind it I could hear him rapidly and repeatedly pressing the button for the elevator. I was upset, but part of me was also impressed with the self-assurance he was showing. I didn't know if I had just ruined my chances, but I started to think that I could seriously do worse than end up with JC Chasez. ---------- The next day I sat in my library, reading the script to the film that I would be starting in July. Actually, starting in July I would be working non-stop as I made three more films in a row. I figured that after that I would take a long break and just work on pulling together the independent film I would be producing and publicizing the films as they came into theaters. It would probably be another two years until they were all released, and then I thought I would look to do another play. I would also be thirty-one. As I tried to concentrate, I also wondered when I would next hear from JC. He said that he was willing to fight for me, so I was hoping that he hadn't already given up. I realized that we were in a very similar situation to the one when we had first met. Back then, JC knew he wanted me before I knew that I wanted him. I was afraid to love him because I had just been hurt by my last boyfriend. Now I was afraid to love JC because JC himself had hurt me. I still couldn't understand how JC could have dragged me along for his first attempt at 'coming out,' when he knew he would be unable to do it. He had even bought a ring but then failed to propose to me. I put down the script, realizing that thinking about JC for too long had broken my concentration. I thought about taking a walk, but couldn't decide if I felt like dealing with people. It was very easy to feel like a prisoner living this kind of life, but I reminded myself that I was a very highly paid prisoner. While deciding between organizing my medicine cabinet and watching a "Real World" marathon, my mother mercifully called. "Hi Nathaniel," she said. "How are things going in the big city?" I told her about JC coming back and what had happened the night before. "Oh, that's a lot to deal with," she said. "And when does the next movie start?" "In July," I said, already dreading the idea of having to re-locate to Los Angeles for a few months. "July?" she repeated. "Then why don't you come up here for a while?" "I don't know," I said. "There's so much to do." "I thought you said publicity for the film was over?" "It is but..." "Nathaniel," my mother said sternly. "Don't tell me you are becoming one of these Hollywood assholes that ignores their family." "Mother!" I said, a little shocked. "Of course not." "I think it's time you come back up here and enjoy the simple life for a while," she said. "You'll be away from all the cameras and paparazzi." "They can drive to New Hampshire, Mom," I said. The more I protested, the more I realized that it was a good idea. The only problem was that I didn't know what to do about JC. I didn't want him to think that I was abandoning the idea of being with him by leaving town. But I also didn't want to spend my days wondering what he was going to do to save our relationship. "Well, maybe for a few days it would be ok," I eventually said. "Good, that's settled then," she said. "I'll see if I can get Edward to come too." "That's pretty doubtful," I said. "His boyfriend leaves for California in a week, and they, well, they like to spend a lot of time together." I ended the conversation saying that I would drive up tomorrow. My house wasn't a place easily accessible by plane, and I figured that driving would actually increase my chances of having anonymity. Surprisingly, there was no call from JC for the rest of the day, and the next morning I drove up to New England, back to the place I grew up. New Hampshire was a pretty rough place to live during the winter, but now with Spring well under way, it was quite beautiful. It had been a really long time since I had been in the country, and all of the scents of nature coming through the car windows were fragrant and revitalizing. It was only noon when I arrived. I didn't know how long I would be able to stay here without the press arriving, but I had my fingers crossed as I approached our property. Luckily there was a lot of it, so even if reporters did show up, they would never be able to get close enough to the house to see or hear anything. My dad came out to greet me, helping me bring the bags inside. "You still pack light, I see," he laughed as we walked into the foyer. My suitcases were not huge, but there were four of them. "Of course," I said. "Now Nathan," my dad said, his voice quieting considerably. "Just don't get mad at your mother." "Mad?" I asked. "Why would I get mad?" My dad sighed and shook his head. "I told her this might be a bad idea, but she insisted that it wouldn't be." I started to feel like something bad was about to happen, but I couldn't understand what. I was pretty confident that my mother would never do anything to hurt me. "Dad, what's going on?" I asked. He gestured me toward the kitchen and I hurried over in that direction. "Oh," I said, stepping into the room. "Nathaniel," my mother said cheerfully, hurrying over to hug and kiss me. Behind her, standing by the sink, was JC. "Well, this is unexpected," I said, hugging my mom but staring at JC. He was dressed simply in a white v-neck t-shirt and baggy jeans "Now listen to me," she said, stepping back but keeping her hands on my arms. "I'm not saying you two are destined to be together, but I do think you owe it to each other to find out." I found it hard to listen. I was still so shocked at the sight of JC in my family's kitchen. "Hi," he said, smiling with his mouth closed and giving a short wave. I wasn't mad, but I felt a little deceived. "Joshua called me yesterday morning, and he just sounded so upset," my mother said, looking over at JC. "So I told him to just come on up and that I would get you here too, and then we all could just see what happens." "We?" I said. "Are we going to have a group discussion about my future?" "Not exactly," she said. "I just mean that we are all here in a relaxed environment. You're free to do whatever you want." My mother looked back and forth between JC and I. Neither of us would say a word. "Hmm, starting now," she said, giving me another quick kiss on the cheek and leaving the kitchen, taking my father with her. "So," JC said, his back against the counter, his fingers tapping the top of it. "So," I repeated, my mouth breaking into a small smile. "You think you are pretty clever, don't you?" I asked. "It was your mom's idea," he said. "I just wanted to talk to her." "I guess that's why you didn't call yesterday." "You wanted me too?" he asked. "Josh, I don't want to stop talking to you." "Well, I'm here now," he said. "Talk to me." I smiled again. I really didn't know what to do. Truth be told, I found the entire situation kind of funny. JC was really trying everything he could and I wasn't giving him an inch. It wasn't really right, because I knew that I was suppressing my true feelings rather than risk being hurt. Of course, being hurt was one of the many experiences that made up being human. Maybe the possibility of it wasn't something to be avoided at all costs. "How about we take a walk?" I suggested moving toward the backdoor at the other side of the kitchen. JC followed and we began to walk out into the fields behind the house. "Feels like a long time ago that we were last here," he said. "It was," I said. "A few years." "I didn't realize how much I missed it," JC said. "I don't know if I realized at the time that those were some of the best days I ever had." "Really?" I said, coming to a stop. "Even with all those problems Edward and my father were having?" I had always thought that JC was somewhat annoyed by the way my life always took center stage. "I liked feeling like I was helping in some way," he said. "I felt like I was part of the family and it made us get so close, so fast." "That's what I hoped it was doing," I said. "And," he said, giving me a quick wink. "I sure did like messing around in that hayloft." I smiled back, shaking my head and looking into the distance. I could see the barn. We walked around for over an hour, not saying much but feeling comfortable in the silence. As we walked, my mind struggled to figure out what I was doing. There was a lot that JC had to forgive me for too, and he had done it with no resentment. It certainly said something about his character and made me seriously think that I was acting too harshly now. JC used to be a frustrated, closeted pop star. Now, he wasn't. Maybe things were perfect now, like JC had said, and I just couldn't see it. "Should we head back?" I suggested eventually. "I'm getting hungry." "Sure," he said. We went back to the house where my mother had prepared lunch for the four of us. I had to hand it to her, forcing us into this type of social situation certainly extinguished any lingering tensions, and soon we were all roaring with laughter at the stories JC and I told about our various adventures over the past year. Once in a while, I would catch him looking at me, and I couldn't help but smile. Watching his eyes brighten as he talked or watching his beautiful lips form his words, I realized that feelings were still very much there. ---------- The next morning, I was shocked out of my sleep by a loud knocking on my bedroom door. I stumbled out of bed and opened the door, where my father and JC stood, completely dressed and looking ready to go somewhere. "Why do I feel like I am late for something?" I asked, scratching my head and twisting the tightness out of my neck. "I want to take Joshua for a hike in the hills out back before it gets too warm," my dad said. "You never showed him the last time he was here." "Ok," I said. "Mom and I will get lunch ready for when you come back." I smiled cheerfully, hoping that would be that. "Not so fast, son," my dad laughed. "You know the trail better than I do, so hurry up. I'll wait for you downstairs." My dad walked down the hall, leaving JC behind. "I guess they think fresh air will help us out somehow," JC shrugged. I smiled as I looked at him. I could tell that he was actually excited about going into the woods. "Let me just change," I said. "I'll be quick." A couple of hours later, three men found themselves completely lost in the hills of New Hampshire. "I don't understand it," I said. "Didn't there used to be a path here?" "Gee whiz, Nathan," my dad said, sweat dripping down his forehead. "You spent your whole childhood up here." "Uh, yeah," I said sarcastically. "That was like fifteen years ago. Sorry if my memory is a little fuzzy." "If we just go down, won't we eventually come back to the house?" JC asked. His tank top clung to his chest, but for some reason he looked more like he was in the middle of a dance performance rather than a hike. "We've been walking west for God knows how long," my dad snapped. "Don't yell at him!" I shot back. "He's not a fuckin' Boy Scout!" I was always able to go into a rage rather quickly around my father, but hearing the tone that he spoke to JC made me fiercely defensive." "Nate, it's ok," JC said, the alarm in his eyes making me realize how aggravated I must have looked. "I'm sorry, Joshua," my dad said. "I think this heat is just getting to me." It was quite warm for mid-May, though I myself didn't find it to be extreme. JC took the bottle of water he was holding and handed it to my dad. "Thank you," he said, gulping down the water and wiping the sweat off of his face. Despite the heat, as I watched him drink, I felt a chill run through me. It was the first time I realized that my dad had become an older man. "Dad, maybe we should just rest for a while," I said. This all suddenly felt like a very bad idea. "No," my dad said. He was as stubborn as I was. "I need to get back. I have to meet a client in an hour." My dad trudged ahead of JC and I, a look of determination on his face. "Are we really so lost?" JC asked me quietly. "I think we are a few miles away from the house," I said. "But the road runs along the bottom of the hills, so we're not exactly lost forever." "Oh, ok," JC said, looking back to see my father still walking ahead. "I guess we should catch up to him then." "I don't know," I laughed. "If he wants to pretend so much that he knows what he's doing, maybe we should just let him go off on his own." "This isn't going to turn into a scene from 'Deliverance,' is it?" JC asked. "This is New England, Josh, not West Virginia." I shook my head as I watched my dad continue walking. JC and I both started to follow when we saw him come to a stop. He looked like he was hesitating for a moment, and then he collapsed onto the ground. "Dad!" I yelled, sprinting over to him. I dropped to the ground in front of him, quickly pulling him up into a seated position. JC was kneeling over him as well. "Dad, what's wrong?" I asked. "I don't know," he said. "I can't seem to catch my breath." He was sweating as though he had just entered the depths of hell, and all I could think of was the fact that we were halfway up a mountain. "Are you having a heart attack?" I asked, wiping the sweat from his face. "That depends on what a heart attack feels like," he said. "I need to go for help," I said, looking up at JC. For all I knew, my father could be dying, but I knew that I had to just focus on what I could currently do to help. "I'll go," JC said, jumping to his feet. "You should stay with your dad." "Boys," my dad interrupted. "I'm fine, I can..." He tried to stand up but had to sit back down. "Ok, well, maybe I can't." "You said that if I go straight down, I'll come to the road, right?" JC asked, already headed in that direction. "Yeah," I answered. "But Josh, I know better..." "Nathan," my dad interrupted again. "At this point I think a tourist has a better chance of getting out of here than you do." He gave me a quick wink while he struggled for air. "Glad to see you can still be a smart ass," I said. I turned back toward JC but he was already gone. I could hear his footsteps quickly trampling through the brush. I turned back to my dad. "If he gets eaten by a bear, I'm going to be really pissed," I said. Somehow, I was now holding his head in my lap. "And why is that?" my dad asked mischievously. Did the entire world want JC and I to end up as a couple? As scared as I was, something was making me think that things with my dad might not be as bad as they looked. He was still aware and talking, and didn't seem to be in too much physical pain. "I hope you're not planning on doing anything weird," I said. "I'll try not to," he said. He reached his hand up and placed it on my arm. "You're a good kid, Nathaniel," he said. "I'm sorry if I was a bad father." "Stop it," I said. "Let's save this conversation for twenty years from now when I've become just as grumpy as you." I didn't want to be dealing with any of this. It was all too soon. I didn't have the time to properly think about my relationship with my father, and I resented a situation like this forcing me to contemplate it. As hikers, we were pretty incompetent. We didn't bring cell phones or watches. I had some water, but that was about it. I didn't know how much time was passing, but it felt like it had been an eternity since JC left. I wondered how much longer my dad could wait. He couldn't hike back down the hill, I didn't think, even with my help. "Do you hear that?" I asked, detecting a slight whirring sound in the distance. "It's a helicopter," my dad said. "You see? Everything will be fine." The sound became louder and louder, and a helicopter eventually loomed above us. It almost felt like I was on the set of one of my movies as I watched the ladder lower and the paramedics drop down. Two men rushed over and I explained to them what had happened. They buckled my dad into a gurney that was then pulled up into the helicopter. There wasn't enough space for it to land. I was given a ladder to climb up, and we were on our way to the hospital, which was luckily not too far away. We got to the hospital and my dad was whisked away while I was given directions to the waiting room. In the helicopter, the paramedics were saying a bunch of stuff that I didn't understand, but I didn't want to interrupt them for a layperson explanation. I walked toward the waiting room, thinking that I had to call my mom. I didn't know if JC had been able to. I walked in to see JC sitting there, one of his feet up on the chair while he bit at his nails. He jumped up when he saw me, and I found myself rushing toward him, pulling him against me as I began to cry on his shoulder. "It's ok," he said, stroking my back. "He's going to be fine." "I can't lose him," I said. "Not my father. Not now." JC just held onto me, occasionally pressing his lips against the side of my face. "I'm sure that they will tell us what's going on soon," he said. I stepped back from him wiping the tears away from my face. "I'm sorry," I said. "I feel like such a Queen right now." "Nate," JC began, stroking my arm. "We're talking about your father, here. I don't think you are acting differently than anyone else would if they were in this situation." He pulled me toward the couches and we sat down. "I have to call my mom," I said, jumping back up. "Nate, I've already called her," JC said, taking my hand in his. "Just sit down for a minute." I did as he said. "Here, let me get you some water," JC said, jumping up himself and walking over to the water cooler on the other side of the room. With everything that was going on, I didn't realize that I had become quite parched. "Thanks," I said, taking the paper cup from him. He sat back down and smiled at me. He had possibly the sweetest, kindest smile that I had ever seen. "I can't believe this is happening again," I said. "This has happened before?" he asked. "No," I smiled politely. "I mean, here we are again. Tragedy strikes in my life and here you are to help me pick up the pieces. We were just talking about that yesterday." "Yeah," he said. "And if you remember I told you that I'm happy to help. Nate, you mean everything to me, and you know that I've grown to love your family over these years." I found myself looking into his eyes. They were full of genuine love and concern. It was a strange thing to see in a Hollywood celebrity. Our business usually killed our abilities to have genuine emotions, but here he was, like a typical boyfriend, standing by his man. All that had happened to him, the good and the bad, wasn't able to change his spirit. Just when I thought I might kiss him, my mother came into the room. "Where is he?" she practically shouted, coming over to us. "They took him through there," I said, pointing. She rushed out in that direction. I settled back into my chair, telling myself that I just had to remain calm and see what happened. I couldn't exactly imagine a world without my immediate family, so I could only hope that there was no reason to. After my mother left the room, JC extended his hand to me and I grasped it firmly. I held onto it for almost an hour, until my mother came back into the room. I was trying to read her face, but my mind wasn't even truly thinking. "He's going to be fine," she said, stepping up in front of JC and I. "Your father likes to forget his medication, so his blood-pressure spiked with all of the heat and exercise." "You mean he's really going to be ok?" I said, standing up. It was as though I could hear the words, but not fully understand their meaning. "No permanent damage?" "He'll be as good as new in a couple of days," she said. "They are just going to keep him here tonight to let him rest." I hugged my mom tightly, kissing her cheek. It was always a miracle when things like this went better than expected. We parted and my mom went to hug JC, who was now standing up as well. "Thank you, Joshua," she said. "I don't know how you got help so fast, but they said things could have gone very badly if they didn't get to him when they did." "I'm so happy Mr. Murray will be ok," JC said. "Ok, kids," my mom said, taking our hands in her own. "Let's get home. I need to get a few of your father's things and then come back here." "I could do that, mom," I said. I looked over at JC. "We could do that," I corrected. "Don't be silly," she said. "You two are supposed to be having a nice time together and that's all I want to hear about it." My mom said that my dad was sleeping, so we left the hospital, arriving back home twenty minutes later. JC and I walked into the living room where I collapsed onto the couch. "It's weird how even the house looks different somehow," I said. JC collapsed down next to me, taking a deep breath. "It's been quite a day," he said. "Josh, how did you get help so quickly?" "Are you kidding?" he laughed. "I practically threw myself down that mountain. I came out onto the highway and kept waving my hands until a truck driver finally pulled over. The first thing he said was 'You're that guy on TV that my daughter is always watching, aren't you?'" "He did?" I asked. "Oh, how funny." "That reminds me, I have to go sing a few songs to his daughter before I leave," JC laughed. "You mean, he made you bargain to use his cell phone?" I asked, a bit shocked. "No, of course not," JC said. "I just offered for some reason. I guess I was caught up in the moment." "I'm so glad you were here, Josh," I said. Absentmindedly, I had rested my head on his shoulder. If I were thinking clearly I probably would have thought twice about my actions and words. But I wasn't thinking clearly. I had to rely on my instincts to tell me what was right. After my mother came back from her second trip to the hospital, the three of us had a late dinner. It was a quiet, but not unhappy affair. Most of the time I found myself thinking about the future. It seemed like I was constantly being reminded that life was short, and I wondered how I was going to make sure that I got the most out of it. Shortly afterward, my mom went upstairs to bed. I could see that JC looked exhausted, so I suggested that he do the same. "That's probably a good idea," he said, standing up. We both walked over to the foot of the stairs. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," he said, his eyes communicating more than his words ever could. "Sure thing," I smiled. "Who knows what exciting things might happen then?" I laughed, rolling my eyes. JC moved slightly as though he was about to kiss me, but he stopped himself. Instead, he brought his hand to my face and then leaned in to give me a light kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight, Nate," he said quietly. He turned and headed up the stairs. I waited until I heard the door to the guest room close to let out a large exhale. My heart was racing. It was full of feelings that had been lying dormant. They were feelings I had recently spent some time wondering if I was even capable of having anymore. I went into my old bedroom. My mind was moving so quickly that I felt dizzy. I looked around my room. It was a place that I had spent almost every day of the first seventeen years of my life, and yet all I remembered now were the nights that I had spent in the room with JC. I changed into a pair of pajama bottoms. It felt too warm for a shirt. I paced around the room, feeling like I should do something but not knowing what that something should be. "Just make a decision, damn it!" I found myself saying out loud. I was getting too old for these dramatics. Resigned, I took a deep breath and pulled open my bedroom door. I scurried down the hallway, lightly knocking on the door to the guest room. There was some rustling of bed sheets, followed by light footsteps. JC opened the door. He was wearing pajama bottoms too, but with a white tank top. His thin but muscular arms looked strong and tan. I took another deep breath, decided to let my emotions get the best of me, and reached for the back of his neck with both of my hands. I pulled his face against mine, my lips enveloping his own. I felt his hands reaching behind my back as I stumbled forward into the room, kicking the door closed behind me. It had been a long time since I had hungered for another person this much. Colin and I never had this passion. A small laugh moved through JC's lips as he fell back onto the bed. I fell with him, quickly crawling on top of him, my lips hardly ever leaving his own. I didn't know what JC thought all of this meant, and I guess I didn't either, but I knew I wanted him. JC's arms moved up and down my muscular back as continued kissing him. "You taste so good," I said to him, kissing his cheek, letting my tongue slip out a little, them moving to his chin. He sighed as I started kissing his strong neck, moving down to his collarbone, feeling the short hairs on his chest brush against my face. I sat back for a moment and JC sat up as I pulled his tank top over his head and then fell back on top of him, letting our chest press against each other. "Oh, God," he sighed in between my kisses. "I didn't know if I would ever be able to feel like this again." I looked into his eyes. They were so full of love and appreciation and I wondered if mine contained the same. I didn't even know how far I was planning on going tonight, but when I found myself kissing his stomach and untying his pajama pants, I began to get a vague idea. JC let out a small yell as my hand slid against his cock, forcing me to remind him of where we were. "Sorry," he said. "I'll try to be more quiet." I yanked his pants down and took his magnificent cock in my hand, staring at it admiringly before taking it into my mouth. I heard JC inhale deeply from above as I moved his legs further apart. I too wasn't sure that I would ever find myself in this situation again, but I sure was happy that I was. I didn't know how much time was passing. I felt like I had been temporarily brought to another plane of existence. I was brought back to reality only when I heard JC telling me that he was about to cum. I could have decided to move onto another activity, but I just couldn't. I wanted all of him. I couldn't get enough of his taste and smell. I shifted my eyes upward to see JC's hands reaching up to grab the headboard behind him as he began to cum in my mouth. Thick loads pumped out of him and I knew he was doing everything in his power to stay quiet. I swallowed his seed greedily, eventually taking my mouth off of his wet, spent cock. I was exhausted, but happy and hard as hell. JC sat up to press his mouth against mine, slowly lowering me onto my back as he took my place. He pulled my own pants down and took me inside his mouth. I remembered that JC was highly skilled in every activity he enjoyed. A few minutes later, I couldn't take it anymore, and I came in his mouth, my mind already wondering if this is how it could be forever. After, we laid next to each other, spent. It all felt familiar and right. I was waiting for him to say 'I love you' or begin explaining why we belonged together, but he stayed quiet, contentedly gazing into my eyes. Part of me felt quite giddy. I had just had sex once again with the guy I had been most attracted to in my life. I could never explain that part. I realized that it was just chemistry. "I didn't expect this," he said, eventually. "Me neither," I said, nuzzling closer to him. It was really late now, and as silly as it sounded at this point, I didn't want my mom to know that I had spent the night in JC's room. "I should go back," I said, sitting up. I didn't know if now was the time to have a really deep conversation, but I did know that I was really in no condition to have one. It had been a very long day, and I hadn't expected any of the things that happened to have happened, including my present situation. We said 'goodnight' to each other and I went back to my room, slowly slipping myself under the covers. I was feeling so many things. I felt love and I felt anxiety. I felt hope and fear. I had always lived my life thinking that I would be able to get everything I ever wanted. Now, I felt like I was on the edge of doing that, but I still needed something to push me over. I didn't want to wait for a sign because I knew that this was something real between two people. I just wanted to know that I could live a life with no regrets and know that I was with the person who would love me above all others. ---------- The next morning I had breakfast with my mom and JC. I was quiet and for some reason uncomfortable. I thought that the cause might have just been some embarrassment from the night before, but I wasn't sure. For some reason, I had difficulty talking to JC. I couldn't think of anything to say, which was rarely my problem. I could tell that JC was noticing the change, because he eventually said that he was going to go out for another walk. "We don't get fresh air like this in LA," he smiled. "Or New York, Orlando or Miami for that matter," he said, his face twisting slightly with confusion as though he was wondering why he spent so much time in those places. He looked over at me, and for lack of anything better to say, I simply said that maybe I would join him in a little bit. He nodded, smiled again and walked outside. "Nathaniel, what's wrong?" my mom said as she started to clear the dishes. "I don't know," I replied, tapping my fingers on the table. "Something has come over me and I don't even know what it is." "Are you sure about that?" she asked. "Well," I began. "Nathaniel, let's just lay all the cards out on the table. You're getting too old for all of this self-realization." "Ok," I said, my eyebrows rising a little. Apparently today was turning into my day of reckoning. "I think I know what I want to do, but I don't know if I am supposed to do it." "And what is it you want to do?" she asked. "I want to just give up all this doubt. I'm tired of it. I want to just pretend that none of this stuff ever happened. I want to just not care about any of it." "And what's stopping you from doing that?" My mom put the plates down and came back to sit at the table across from me. "I don't know if it's the right thing to do," I said. "There's nothing to read or study that will help me make sure that I'm making the right decision." "Of course not," my mom said. "Do you really think that love is something that can be analyzed? Do you think that I've been able to stay with your father all of these years because some sort of mathematical equation worked out?" "No," I said sheepishly. "I know I sound stupid. But to be honest, I don't feel like I need some kind of apology from Josh. In my own mind, I find myself not really caring about what happened. I know Josh. I understand what he was going through and I know he was never trying to maliciously hurt me. I just wonder if people will always think that I am some kind of idiot for taking the time to 'work things out' rather than just move onto somebody else." "Nathaniel, you were with someone else for quite a while," my mom reminded me. "How did it work out for you?" "It didn't," I said, shaking my head. "He wasn't Josh." "Exactly," my mom said. "I love him," I said, wondering why it had been so hard to say all of this time. "I love him so much I almost can't stand it. Every move he makes, every time he speaks, all I can think about is how much I love him. I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I used to watch him on TV and now he's in my house. Maybe it's because years ago he saved me from becoming bitter and jaded." "Maybe it's just because you love him, and that's it," my mom said. All of this talking had started to make things clearer than they ever were before. I loved JC and I wanted to be with him. Whatever problems were to come, I wanted to deal with them as a couple. I wanted to feel obligated to help him and I wanted him to feel obligated to help me. "So what do I do now?" I asked. "Just tell him that I love him and that's that? We go back to our lives the way they were? Living in each other's houses? Flying from film set to concert stage? Is that all there is to it?" "Joshua," my mom said. "I'm Nathan," I corrected. I realized that my mom wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were looking past me and I spun around in my chair to see JC standing in the doorway. I could feel my face reddening. I felt totally naked and exposed, like a schoolgirl who just had a 'love' note confiscated by the teacher. I didn't know how long he had been standing there, but his expression suggested that he had heard quite a bit. "I forgot my sunglasses," he said quietly. "I came in through the front." "Josh," I began, standing up. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. He now knew that I loved him. I figured that he would be thrilled, but maybe he would also be annoyed that I just couldn't say it when he was able to. JC surprisingly ignored me and walked over to my mother. "Mrs. Murray," JC began, his voice flat and serious. "Helen," my mother said. "Helen," JC said. "I know that it may seem rather strange to be acting traditionally since, well, since Nate and I are both guys. But I'm wondering if you would consider giving me permission to ask your son to marry me." My own eyes almost dropped out of my head as I watched what was unfolding before me. My mother looked over at me and all I could offer was an expression of absolute shock. She turned back to JC and smiled. "Are you sure about this?" my mom smiled. "Nathaniel is a very difficult person to live with." "I know he is," JC said. His back was turned to me but I could tell that he was smiling too. "But I love him." "In that case, I'd be happy to give you my blessing, Joshua. And I'd be happy for you to be my son-in-law." She kissed him on the cheek and he reciprocated. Then he turned around, and I was forced to look at him face to face. Everything seemed so silent, except for the beating of my heart. JC walked over to me, until he was standing no more than a foot away. His face was a mixture of mischievousness and thoughtfulness. He reached into his back pocket and came back with a ring that he twirled around in his fingers. I could tell that it was not the same ring from a year ago, and was somewhat relieved. This ring was a symbol of the future. The past no longer mattered. "I've kept this with me for a long time," he said. "You know, just in case." He smiled briefly and gave me a quick wink. "Josh," I started, thinking I should make this scene less dramatic even though this is exactly what I had wanted. "Don't interrupt," JC said. "I have something to say." I closed my mouth, telling myself to just let the moment be what it wanted to be. "I know that the States where this is legal change like every month or so, but I want you, God and the country to know that I love you." "I love you too," I said. "I should have said it sooner." "I don't even know how this will work," he said. "But I would like to ask you to marry me." "Ok," I said. "Ok?" he repeated, an eyebrow rising. "I mean, ok," I smiled. "You can ask me." JC smiled brightly, and took my hand in his. "Nathaniel Murray, will you marry me?" I never thought that I would be asked such a question. Not only was I gay and living in the United States, but also I was stubborn, independent and, at times, difficult to be around. I looked down at the ring, which JC held close to my finger, thinking of all the millions of directions that my life could have gone in. A series of events had brought me to this moment, and I would never understand how or why. All I knew was that, now, I was happy. I had everything I could want and more, and I was completely fine with that. "Yes," I said, looking straight into JC's beautiful blue eyes. 'Yes, Joshua Scott Chasez, I will marry you." I smiled brightly as he pressed his lips against mine. I could feel him slipping the ring onto my hand. He stepped back and we just stared at each other, beaming. "Do you think I'm a summer or winter bride?" I laughed. I could feel some tears welling up in my eyes. My mother let out a gasp and we turned to see that she was crying. "Mom," I said, walking over to her. "It's ok," she said, waving me away. "I'm fine. I'm just very happy to see you two back together." "It's not every day that your only son gets engaged to a male pop star," I said, hugging her tightly and kissing her head. JC walked over to us and we all embraced. We were all a family now. Everything was as it should be. Early that afternoon, my father came home and learned that his son had become engaged to another man. "About time," was the first thing he said. "Finally," he said to my mom, looking at me. "Now it's someone else's job to take care of this pain in the ass." "I'm going to let that one slide because I thought you were dying yesterday," I said sarcastically. I took JC by the hand and told him that I wanted to take him outside. It was cool out today and the sun was beginning to set. "What are we going to do?" JC asked, wiggling his eyebrows at me. "Oh, you'll see," I said. "It's something we should have done much earlier." I brought him over to the barn and we entered, heading back toward one of the pens. I could see JC starting to hesitate, so I took him by the hand again, and led him inside a pen, where a large black and white cow stood, looking rather ambivalent about her situation. "You remember Bessie, don't you?" I smiled, patting her side. "She needs to be milked." JC looked up at me, his face turning white as I gave him a comical wink. "Come on," I laughed. "It will be fun." He looked at me for a moment as though he was briefly contemplating it. Then he turned, and ran back out of the barn. He was very fast. ---------- Three months later, I sat outside in the backyard of a Bel Air estate. It was late August but the weather was beautiful. The sun shined brightly and the grass and trees were incredibly green. White flowers could be found almost everywhere. "It was a beautiful wedding, Nate," Edward said, taking a seat next to me. "I've never seen so many celebrities in one place before." "Yep, they all came out for this one," I laughed. Joe, Edward's boyfriend, came and sat down next to him. I couldn't help but wonder if he got his tuxedo in the young men's section. "Thanks again for inviting me, Nate," Joe said, leaning forward so that he could see me. "It's really been a great party." "I'm glad you guys are having fun," I said. "Is the movie almost finished?" he asked. "We'll be done next week," I sighed. "Just in time for me to start promoting 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'." Joe looked at Edward. "That's the one you said he'll get the Oscar for, right?" he asked him. "Absolutely," Edward said. He turned and smiled at me. My last film had been another strong success, making studios quite happy with me. My agent even told me that studio executives were now looking for other 'hot' gay actors to put up on the screen. JC came over, standing behind me and placing his hands on my shoulders. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Having fun?" he asked, moving over and taking the seat on the other side of me. "Absolutely," I said. "Josh, that was an awesome concert the other night," Edward said. "Thanks man," JC said. "I didn't really know what to expect." Last week, JC gave his first performance since his break. He decided to do it rather spontaneously at the biggest gay club in LA, and the crowd went simply insane. Maggie came walking toward us. She looked simply radiant in her form-fitting, ivory colored dress. Her dark hair hung loosely around her shoulders and the diamonds around her neck looked like they could probably be seen in space. "I hope you boys are enjoying yourselves," she said. "I notice you aren't mixing freely with all the whores of Hollywood." "Well, well," I said. "If it isn't Mrs. Pitt," I smiled. "Why don't you have a seat for a while?" "You mean the second Mrs. Pitt," she said sarcastically. "The last Mrs. Pitt," JC offered. "Joshua darling, this is Hollywood. Let's be realistic. The second Mrs. Pitt." Maggie realized that she now had four gay men staring at her with their mouths open. "Don't get me wrong," she added quickly. "I'm crazy in love with him." "And he's friggin' hot," JC said. I looked at JC and cocked an eyebrow. "Come on, Nate. Just look at him." I looked over at one of the other tables where Brad sat talking to Orlando Bloom. "He's in his 40s and has the abs of a college runner," JC continued. "Are you about done?" I asked. "Yes," he said. He looked back at Maggie. "Congratulations, again," he said. "And when are you two going to tie the knot?" Maggie asked. "We decided on early October," I said, looking at JC lovingly. "New York is really beautiful then, so we're just hoping the gay marriages will still be legal there at the time." "I hope I can be as beautiful a bride as you are," JC said to Maggie, laughing, resting his arm on the back of my chair. "We've come a long way from that musty old theater in New York," Maggie said, looking around at the grounds of her new house. "It was Broadway, Maggie," I laughed. "Not some playhouse in the East Village." In the past couple of months, JC had sold his house in LA and I had sold my apartment in New York. We wanted to own our homes together, so we bought a 1920s stucco cottage in Beverly Hills, and a brand new penthouse in the West Village of New York. I couldn't believe that I now owned property in Los Angeles, but since it seemed like I was going to be a movie actor for some time to come, it was a logical decision to make. Besides, renovating the old house was proving to be one of the most fun things we had ever done. And so, here I was. I was twenty-nine and one of the most successful actors in Hollywood and on the stage. I had become the first commercially successful gay leading man in the movies. I was rich, beautiful, and engaged to the man of my dreams. I first saw JC on the television in some music video. Like many people watching him in the late 90s, I thought he was handsome and talented. I also thought that there was something genuine about him. He looked like a good person to me, but he also looked like he was a bit confused. Whenever I watched him mumble his way through an interview, my heart would flutter and I would briefly imagine what it would be like to be the person who gave him more self-confidence. To me, it was just a simple celebrity crush. I wasn't famous back then. I was just another kid, hoping to make it big. Now, here I was, engaged to him, and the reality was almost too much to comprehend. I was engaged to JC Chasez. He loved me and I loved him. I did give his self-confidence back to him, and he gave me the ability to open my heart to those around me. It turns out that we truly did complement each other. We made each other the best people that we could be. I know now that living a life without doubt or regret is the only kind of life to live. Once you know that you are truly happy, no one can hurt you, and no one can make you question your thoughts or decisions. I woke up each morning eager to see what the day would bring, and happy to know who would be sitting next to me. I was aware of the fact that life still had many twists and turns in store for me, but that no longer scared me. I was ready for it. The End