Date: Sun, 26 May 2002 17:17:02 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 104

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

Back to the story in progress.

***Jack***

Andrew was more or less quiet for the rest of the morning, but Josh and I
weren't feeling particularly chatty, either. On the plane, we were in
different sections again, so we didn't have to see him. I was still going
back and forth about how I felt. On the one hand, I was pretty sure Andrew
was pissed that Josh had drawn such a firm line with him, no matter how
justified I thought it was. On the other hand, he wasn't really acting all
that pissed.  He wasn't acting at all out of the ordinary. Maybe Andrew was
really just a brusque, taciturn guy who took his job a little
seriously. Maybe I only thought he was pissed because I would be in his
place. I mentioned it to Josh over a game of chess as we flew westward, but
he didn't really think it was that serious.

"Well, Jack, I see your point, but I really don't think he's mad," Josh
said. "All of his references said he was like this. He's overprotective,
but that really isn't such a bad trait for a bodyguard to have. Part of
this is probably my fault, too, for not laying out our expectations more
clearly in the beginning. I should have done that, because I'm used to this
more than you are. I'm just sorry that it upset you."

I smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"Josh, that's sweet, but I told you, it only upset me because it caught me
off guard," I said. "It was just him right up close, yelling, and it kind
of pushed my buttons, I guess. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know that
would upset me so much. Besides, you know me. I don't like feeling
restricted."

"That's the truth!" Josh agreed, laughing. I gave him a strange look, and
he elaborated.  "When you were in the hospital I thought we were going to
have to strap you to the bed to get you to follow Dr. Swan's orders."

"OK, maybe," I agreed, mulling it over. "But Josh, that place was medieval!
They left you alone when you slept there, but they were always in poking
me, or squeezing, or something. I swear half those tests were just so they
could look busy."

"You are so paranoid," Josh laughed. He knew how much the hospital preyed
on my nerves. "But I love you anyway."

I laughed along with him, but I didn't want to drop this just yet.

"Josh, maybe we should involve Andrew in this a little," I said, thinking.
"We're taking this kind of by the seat of our pants. Maybe he'll be able to
help."

"Are you sure?" Josh asked. "I know how you are about privacy, and he's not
exactly a close friend."

"He's not a friend, but he's friendly, and we should treat him the same
way," I said. He had seemed pretty comfortable with us during Washington
part of the trip, as if he was opening up a little, and I didn't want to
lose that, especially if the next part of the trip was going to be
emotionally intense or draining. "Josh, he's along for the ride, either
way. I'd much rather have him as part of a team than feeling like we're
working against him."

Josh nodded, leaving it to my judgment, and we went back to our game, or,
more accurately, series of them, since Josh continued to dominate the chess
arena. I resolved to do something about this at some point, to put myself
on more equal footing with him.  When we landed, we went to the airport
restaurant with Andrew, and I explained as much about the situation to him
as I could, without really going into all the details of my relationship
with my family. Instead, I just outlined that I was looking for my birth
family, and that this was all the information that I had. We had printed
out maps of the town before we left for the honeymoon, and I removed them
from my carryon, laying them out on the table between the three of us as we
sipped our drinks. A search of the phone listings had confirmed that the
lawyer still lived there, and still had an office. It was still early in
the day, but I wanted to get on the road soon, as it was a few hours' ride
from Denver to get to the town.

"So what's the plan?" Andrew asked. He seemed intrigued by this whole
thing, and a little more pleasant than he had in the morning. I smiled, and
Josh caught it and smiled as well. Already things seemed less tense.

"I figured we could drive there tonight," I began. "Josh has a car reserved
for us to pick up, and we can roll into town and check into a hotel to put
our bags down.  After that I think we should go straight to the
lawyer. He's got the answers."

"Sounds solid," Andrew said. "You want to wait, or do you want to go get
the car?"

"Let's go get the car," Josh said, smacking some money down on the table to
cover our drinks as I folded the maps back up. I leaned over and kissed
him, and he smiled at me as we waved a porter over to help us with the
luggage cart. We loaded the bags into another massive SUV, having caught up
with our luggage again, and Josh made a concession of his own.

"Andrew, do you want to drive?' Josh asked, holding my hand. I squeezed his
tightly to let him know that his effort was appreciated.

"Sure," Andrew said, the stone face cracking open into a smile. He waited
until we were a good twenty minutes or so into the drive, Josh and I
leaning back against each other in the backseat, both of us looking out the
same window, before asking the obvious question. "So, Jack, why didn't you
just call this lawyer?"

"I want to see him in person," I answered. "It's too easy over the phone if
he doesn't want to help me for him to hang up, or not return my calls. This
will be a lot harder for him to avoid."

"Good plan," Andrew agreed.

Unfortunately for us, though, my plan didn't work out quite as I'd hoped.
After the car ride, switching radio stations and singing along at the tops
of our lungs to several different kinds of music (Josh and Andrew, as
musicians, had eclectic tastes, which meant I had no choice), we checked in
at the hotel, dropping our bags in the rooms. It was a nice enough place, a
little smaller than Josh was used to, although it seemed positively
spacious after the airport Howard Johnson from last night.  Consulting the
maps, Andrew drove to the lawyer's offices as I sat in the front passenger
seat. Josh leaned forward as much as he could with his seatbelt on from the
back seat and the three of us peered out the windshield.

"It looks like a house," Josh said. Travis Favato, Attorney at Law, had his
offices in what appeared to be a quaint gingerbread trimmed Victorian, in a
neighborhood of similar establishments. On one side was a dentist's office,
on the other a veterinarian, and across the street was a funeral home.

"It is, but I don't think he lives there," Andrew said. "No cars in the
drive. And look, no partners, either. Only his name on the shingle."

"Good catch," I said. I heard Josh unhook his seatbelt, and felt his hand
settle comfortingly on my shoulder. "That could be a good thing, though. If
it's just him, he must deal with all the clients personally."

"We going?" Josh asked as I unhooked my belt and popped open my door. I
nodded.  "Andrew, could you stay in the car, please?"

"Sure," Andrew said, shrugging. "Try not to get assaulted, and yell if you
need anything."

"Funny," I said, smirking and shutting my door. I felt a little unsteady, a
little fluttery, and Josh sensed it and took my hand as we walked up the
sidewalk. I looked over at him, and his eyes were sparkling with
reassurance. We walked up the front steps and I knocked on the door,
banging the brass knocker hard, but there was no answer. Josh and I glanced
at each other and tried it again after a few seconds, but there was still
no answer.  "Josh?"

"Look," he said, pointing.

I felt like an idiot for not noticing it at first, but I had been so keyed
up when we walked up to the door that all I could see was the knocker. The
door was one of those old-style ones with tall, narrow windows on either
side of it, and the one on the right had hours of operation frosted into
it. The offices were closed today, and only open in the afternoons the
other four days of the week. I cursed inwardly, realizing that a phone call
would have told us that. Before I could do anything else, though, Josh
hugged me tightly.

"Stop beating yourself up," he said. "This is a stall, not a roadblock. It
doesn't matter that you didn't call. We have all the time we need to come
back tomorrow."

"How do you know me so well?" I asked, burying my nose in his hair for a
second. He smelled so fresh, but also kind of musky. He smelled
comfortingly, reassuringly, like my Josh.

"It comes from love," he said, leading me back to the car. We both sighed
as we climbed into the back seat. Disappointed, I wanted to lean on Josh
for a while, and soak in his presence, even if Andrew did insist that we
wear our seatbelts in the back for safety's sake.

"Well, guys, what do you want to do now?" Andrew asked. "It's too early for
dinner."

"Let's go to the hospital," I said, looking at the clock. "Maybe we don't
need Mr. Favato after all."

The hospital was my second plan. I knew that I needed one, in case the
lawyer didn't want to help me. Although I had been tentative about coming
out here, now that the plane had landed I was ready to go all out to solve
this, and find out whatever we could. More than anything, I just wanted to
know. I was ready to follow any trail, run down any path, and I was ready
to do it now. Josh, sensing my resolve, squeezed my hand, and watched me
carefully for signs of stress. He didn't say it, but I knew he was worried
about the strain. Later I would probably start worrying again about whether
or not my family would like me, but right now I just wanted to know who
they were, and how to find them. We pulled into the visitor spots at the
hospital.

"We need to find the information desk," I said, as the three of us got out
of the car. I figured we would look more important if I had an
entourage. "They must have a records clerk here or something. All we need
to do is ask to see the birth records for my birthday.  Those are public
information, right?"

"I think so," Josh said, shrugging. "They put them in the paper."

Like the lawyer's office, though, this wasn't so easy, either. Josh and I
sat in padded chairs across a large desk from the Chief of Records, or
whatever her title was. She was an older woman with her hair drawn into a
stern bun, and she sat across from us in hospital white with her face
completely devoid of makeup. Her nails were cut practically short, without
polish, and I found myself staring at them as she explained why she
wouldn't be able to help us.

"While the matter of births is one of public record, I'm afraid that I
can't release specific information about patients," she said, pursing her
mouth.

"I don't really understand," Josh said. Andrew was waiting against the wall
next to her door, out in the hallway. "What exactly can you tell us?"

"I can tell you how many births of either gender took place at the hospital
on the day in question," she answered, speaking very slowly to Josh as if
she thought he might be some sort of an idiot. "And that's all I can tell
you."

I couldn't speak for a second, feeling my stomach drop like an
elevator. Why was she being so clinical?

"But they put birth announcements in the newspaper," Josh said, the same
point he had raised in the car.

"Those announcements are submitted by the people in question," she said,
frowning. "We cannot release that information to you. It's a violation of
doctor patient confidentiality, and it's against the policies and
procedures here at the hospital. I understand that this might be somewhat
upsetting for you to hear."

Josh and I sighed and glanced at each other. I was frustrated, and I knew
he could tell. I just felt like we were so close, like the answer was right
there, and I just kept getting blocked, first by the lawyer, and now by
this woman. The records were in the room right next to her office, for
God's sake. She even had a connecting door, and all she would have to do
was walk over there and look up the files. There had to be a way around
this, a way to appeal to her. I just needed to figure out what it was. I
was still staring at her hands, and noticed that there were no
rings. Wheels in my head started turning.

"Ma'am, I know that, you know, those rules exist for a reason, and that you
have to follow them," I began, hoping that winging it might work. I didn't
really have a choice, and she's already said "No", once, anyway. "But it's
easy for you to say that. You know who you are. You know where you came
from. You don't have to wonder what kind of people made you, or why they
didn't want you. You go to sleep at night knowing full well who your
parents are. Even if you don't like them, or don't get along, you at least
know their names."

"Look, I'm very sorry," she began, looking a little uncomfortable. I
wondered if I could manage to work up some tears. If she'd been adopted,
too, the little speech I just gave her wouldn't have worked, but luckily
the odds had been in my favor.

"I know you are, because I can tell you're the kind of lady who would help
us," I said, nodding. I didn't look at Josh, because I didn't want to see
his reaction to the blatant emotional appeal I was pulling. "I mean, just
look at you. You're nice, and kind, and you've tried really hard to help us
as much as you can. You've explained everything to us so carefully, and we
appreciate that. Your kids must love you."

She looked away for a second.

"I, I don't have any children," she said quietly, and I felt Josh squeeze
my hand. I still wouldn't look at him.

"And I don't have a mother," I said, praying I wasn't going to hell for
this. "I was adopted by people who didn't want children, and didn't know
what to do with them. I never wanted anything, not physically, but I never
had any love. I've never known what it's like to have your mother tuck you
in and kiss you good night. I've never known a mother's love, not really,
and this is my chance to. This is my chance to find something I've looked
for my whole life, something I've searched for."

"I do feel badly for you, honestly, but I can't give out that information,"
she sighed, looking pained. "I really am very sorry."

"I know," I said, looking down at my lap. "I mean, it must be so hard for
you to tell me that. You work at a hospital, after all. You want to help
people, and here I am, looking for help, and you can't really do anything
for me, no matter how badly you might feel about it. I couldn't ever ask
you to compromise yourself like that, because I can see that you're the
kind of woman who stands by her principles, and does what she thinks is
right, and I respect that. I've kind of always liked to hope that my mother
might be something like that."

She sighed again, and I wondered if this really was working, or if I was
reading her completely wrong. Josh had my hand in a death grip, and I could
feel that he was pissed, probably because he was disappointed in me. It was
easy to think that, since I was disappointed in myself for stooping this
low. Josh and I had built our relationship on honesty, and it was very
important to both of us. What I was saying right now wasn't dishonest,
exactly, but it still felt dirty, and I didn't like doing it.  That was the
difference between Josh and I, though. I might not like it, but I'd do it
if I thought I had to. I wanted to go shower for a couple of hours when
this was over.

"Since you've tried so hard to help us, we should do something nice for
you, too," I said, turning to Josh. His face was neutral, or at least would
be to her, but I could see the lines around his mouth, and the little frown
crease between his eyebrows. "Right, Josh?"

"Right," he said evenly, nodding slightly.

"That's really not necessary," the records woman said, her head tilting to
the side.

"No, no," I said, as we all began to stand. "It's the really the least we
could do. I was just thinking that, you know, you must have some patients
in the children's ward upstairs who would be thrilled to meet Josh. Why
don't we go up, and just do a quick run through to brighten up their day?
Then, you know, we could let you get back to your work, and we could be on
our way."

Josh's hand convulsed tightly around mine, practically snapping the
bones. I continued to smile sweetly, as if I weren't in intense pain, but I
had them both, now.  Josh might be pissed at me, but he wouldn't take it
out on sick children.

"You wouldn't mind?" she asked him, her eyes lighting up. Thanks for
helping, lady.  "You'd really do that?"

"Of course I would," Josh answered, smiling at her with that beaming charm
that melted women of a certain age.

"Why don't we go up right now?" I asked, grinning. "We don't want to
interrupt the dinner hour, or their time with their families."

"That's so thoughtful of you," the records woman said, coming around her
desk. The three of us stepped out into the hallway, where Andrew had been
patiently waiting. "The elevators are this way."

Josh and I walked along, the records woman on his other side, and I didn't
look at him, even though I could feel his eyes drilling into me. Andrew,
behind us, didn't say anything either, but I knew he had heard everything
in the hallway, and I wondered what he would think. He was a little more
practical minded than Josh, so he might be kind of ok with it, but I still
felt like a dirty schmuck for playing on this poor woman's frustrated sense
of motherhood. At least I hadn't outright lied. When we turned the corner
of the hallway I played my last card.

"Oh no!" I said, looking panicked. Everyone glanced at me. "I left my bag
in your office!"

The record woman looked at me, her eyes narrowed a little, and I looked
straight back, trying to make my face as entreating and pitiful as
possible. I'm not good at looking needy, or, at least, I like to think I'm
not.

"You'd better go get it, then," she said quietly. "Why don't you meet us up
on the third floor?"

"We will," I said, smiling. "Thanks."

"Andrew, go with him, please," Josh said. I could tell Andrew didn't like
splitting up, but maybe Josh thought he would keep me out of further
trouble. As we rounded the corner, heading back to the office, Andrew
spoke.

"That was interesting," he said neutrally. His face looked amused, but
still controlled.

"Don't start with me," I grumbled. "I'm already going to get yelled at
later, ok?"

"I didn't think you had it in you," he said, chuckling a little.

"I'm just full of surprises," I said, scanning the hallway. No one was
around, and I didn't see any cameras. I opened the office door, and pulled
Andrew in with me.  Crossing the office, I had my hand on the doorknob of
the records room when I felt Andrew's hand on my arm. I turned to
him. "What?"

"Jack, you're about to break into the records room of a hospital," Andrew
said bluntly, giving me this weird look. "Are you sure this is a good
idea?"

"We're not breaking in," I rationalized. "The door is unlocked, and the
woman clearly knows that I'm going in here. If anything, you're just
bettering the odds that we get caught by slowing me down."

"Regardless of whether or not that poor woman you just played knows you're
going in here, this is still unethical, if not illegal," Andrew said,
folding his arms across his chest. I hated staring up at him, especially
when he was right.

"Look, Andrew, your moral outrage is duly noted, ok?" I snapped,
annoyed. We were so damn close. "I'm not telling you to come in with me, or
to help. Go wait in the hall if you don't want to be a witness, ok?"

"I never said that," Andrew said, smiling a little. "I just wanted to make
sure you're aware."

"Oh, I'm aware," I said, opening the door. I looked inside to see if anyone
else was around. The room looked kind of like a library, with bank after
bank of cabinets, and I flicked on the lights, stepping inside. Andrew
followed me, carefully closing the door behind us.

"Now what?" he whispered, his eyes scanning for other doors and windows.

"I don't know," I said. "We have to figure out how this is set up."

Splitting up, Andrew and I began to look through the files. The first wall
we found was all patient files, in order by name. That wasn't going to do
us any good, since I was born here without one, but we checked under
"Springer" just to be sure. Fanning out, we began randomly opening
cabinets, trying to find anything that might be done by date. The records
room had been set up in what was apparently the former basement, which
meant that the banks of cabinets rolled on into the darkness, lit by
hanging ceiling lights. I couldn't believe that nothing here was on
microfiche, or on computers. Maybe we needed to send them a grant or
something.

"Jack!" Andrew called excitedly. "Come here! I've got something!"

I jumped up from my drawer of old ward logs and ran over, peering over his
shoulder as he knelt on the floor.

"Look," he said, gesturing. "I found the logs from OBGYN. They're in order
by date.  When's your birthday?"

"Andrew, if I wasn't taken I could kiss you," I said after I gave him the
date.

"I don't think I'd like that, but thanks," he said dryly, closing the
drawer and dropping down to the next one. "What time were you born?"

"There wasn't a time on the birth certificate," I said, shaking my head.
Andrew frowned.

"Go over to the patient files," Andrew said. "There are only four boys for
the day you were born. If I give you the names of the mothers, maybe you
can look them up, and we can cross reference or something."

"Good idea," I said, hurrying over. On my way I noticed a photocopier
tucked against the wall. "Go."

Andrew began calling off the names, and I went to the folders. The first
one was a strike out, and I swore softly.

"What?" Andrew asked.

"There's a birth certificate in here for the boy," I said. "Blue eyes and
blond hair. Give me the next name."

The second one had a notation for a birth, but no certificate. The files on
the whole seemed a little slipshod, not surprising considering they were
all on paper, but I thought it was promising just the same. The top page
had name and address information that was dated three years ago, meaning it
could still be current, and I excitedly photocopied it.  Andrew gave me the
next name, which was also missing a birth certificate.  Worse, the address
information in the file was almost as old as I was, but I copied it
anyway. Even if it wasn't current, it was a start. Andrew read off the last
one, but I didn't copy it.

"No dice?" Andrew asked.

"The baby was, um, the baby died," I said sadly. "It's not me."

Both of us were quiet for a second, thinking about the poor baby that
hadn't lived. I don't know why it struck such a chord with me, but I felt
even worse suddenly.  Andrew tapped my shoulder as I stuffed the papers
into my bag.

"We better get out of here," he said. "I think we're running out of time."

Andrew turned out to be right. As the elevator opened on the third floor we
almost collided with Josh and the records woman, who were chatting
animatedly as they waited for it to arrive. When they saw me she smiled
warmly, but I caught an edge of frost in Josh's gaze as I apologized for
taking a little detour. The visiting had apparently gone very well, and the
nurses on the floor loudly called thanks to Josh as the two of them got in
the elevator. He thanked the records woman for taking the time to talk to
us, as did I, and she thanked him for stopping to see the children. We got
out at the lobby, waving goodbye to her, and she wished me luck with my
search. As the elevator doors closed, Josh's smile dropped.

"Josh?" I asked quietly. He glanced at me for a second, and then turned to
Andrew.

"Could you take us to the hotel, please?" he asked quietly.

"Sure," Andrew answered, glancing back and forth between the two of
us. Josh turned to me as we walked to the car.

"Did you get everything you needed?" he asked, his voice still holding that
sharp edge.  Josh and I hadn't fought since the early days of our
relationship, when he had asked me after our first weekend if I would move
in with him, and I had refused. I wasn't sure of what to do, or say, so I
just answered.

"I think so," I answered quietly. Josh stepped past me to get into the
front of the car, leaving me to sit alone in the back seat, and I felt very
small.

"Good," Josh answered, not looking at me. Andrew glanced at me in the
rearview mirror, but his eyes, as always, were unreadable.

When we arrived back at the hotel, we climbed out of the car, and I stood
by Josh, not sure if I should take his hand. I needed to talk to him,
needed to get this out, because this was killing me, and he had completely
frozen me out. I'd seen him do it to Justin when he was mad at him, and had
seen him to it to Stan, but I never thought he'd do it to me. I'd hurt him,
really hurt him, and I didn't know what to say or how to fix it. I wasn't
even completely sure of what I'd done wrong.

"Do you want to get some dinner?" Andrew asked. "I don't think this hotel
has room service."

"If we haven't called you in an hour, consider yourself free for the
night," Josh said quietly.

He turned and keyed open our room, and I followed him inside. As soon as
the door was closed, I reached out, touching his shoulder, and he spun
around, shrugging my hand away.

"Josh?" I asked quietly, feeling my eyes water a little. His eyes blazed at
me.

"I've never, ever been so disappointed in you," he said, stepping away from
me. He turned and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

***

To be continued.