Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 17:20:24 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 105

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

Back to the story in progress.

***Jack***

I sat on the bed, feeling hollow inside, certain that I had destroyed
everything. Josh had never spoken to me that way, not ever. I heard the
water running in the bathroom, and I stared at my hand, twisting my rings
around and around on my finger, waiting for him to come out. I wasn't sure
if he intended to, though, and I needed to see him, needed to make things
right. I tapped softly on the door, but he didn't answer, so I walked
across the room and sat on the bed, folding my hands. When the bathroom
door finally opened, I looked up at Josh and saw that his face was wet, and
his hair was a little wet around the edges, where he had washed his
face. He stood in the bathroom doorway, watching me.

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said. "I know it was wrong to play on that woman like
that, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I know that it wasn't
nice, but it didn't really hurt anyone."

Josh sighed, and shook his head.

"That isn't what hurt me, Jack," he said, not moving. "I mean, yes, I was a
little disappointed to see you act like that. It's not something you
usually do, and I know you only did it this time because you were upset,
but that's not really why I'm unhappy, Jack."

"Then what is it?" I asked, confused. "What did I do?"

"You used me," Josh said. "You've never treated me that way before, never
done that, and it hurt, Jack. You always told me that you loved me for me,
for who I was, and today you used me, and it was like you stabbed me,
Jack."

I swallowed, hard, but I didn't really have anything to say, because he was
right. I had used him, had played the celebrity card without even thinking
about it. I had put JC before Josh, and in realization it stung us both. I
saw him standing in the doorway and saw that I had wounded him deeply. I
saw it in the slump of his shoulders, and the pain in his face.

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't, I didn't think. It
was selfish, and it was heartless."

"You never treated me that way before, Jack," Josh repeated, and when he
looked up at me I saw tears standing in his eyes. "You treated me like a
commodity, the way everyone else does, and it hurt. It was like I was
looking at a different person, like a stranger. I love you, Jack, but for a
second, for a second it was like you didn't love me the same way."

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said, crossing the room. He held out his arms, and I
folded myself into them, both of us leaning against each other. "I don't
know what else to say, Josh. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't mean to
say it, but we were so close, and I knew the answers were right there, and
I just, for a second I would have done anything, just to know. I didn't
mean to hurt you. I'd never do that. I'm sorry, Josh, I'm so sorry. I love
you too much to hurt you, too much to do that. I just, I got all caught up
in it."

"I know you didn't mean to, but it still hurt, Jack," he said softly,
holding me. "You always say how important it is to you that you be your own
person, and it is for me, too.  Jack, when I'm with you, I'm not JC. I'm
Josh. I'm the person that I am inside, the person that no one owns but you,
the person that people don't buy and sell and feel like they all have a
claim on. When I'm not with you, I feel, sometimes, like I'm not real, like
there's nothing there but the celebrity. You've always looked past that,
always not seen it, and looked beneath, and today, when you sent me
upstairs to see those kids, you treated me just like everyone else. I would
have done it if you asked, Jack, but you just pushed me into it, and it
surprised me so much. It hurt me before I even had a chance to think about
what you were thinking, or why you did it."

"Josh, I told you, I couldn't think of anything else to do," I said,
shaking my head. "I just, it was the only way. I did what I had to, Josh."

"But that bothers me, Jack," he said. "It bothers me that you can do that,
that you can just decide to be like that, and just do it. I can't really
understand that, Jack. I don't know how you can treat people like that, no
matter how upset you are."

"Because it's not the kind of person you are," I sighed, squeezing him
tighter. "And I love you for it, but Josh, you know that I've, you know,
that I've been through things you haven't. The way I grew up, and the
things I've had to do and go through, it can harden a person, Josh. And I
know I don't show that side of myself to you a lot, but I don't show it to
anyone, because I don't have to. I love you, Josh. I won't ever do that to
you, or treat you that way, and I didn't mean to use you. I know I should
have asked you, but there just wasn't time, and I did what I had to."

"I know you weren't thinking about it, and that you weren't rational," he
said softly. "I know that you're upset right now, and that this whole thing
is affecting you, and that's why you did it. I'm not mad, Jack. I just, I
didn't understand. I've opened myself up completely to you, more than I
ever have to anyone, and today it felt like it was all a lie."

"Josh, I'm sorry," I said, feeling his strong arms around my back,
squeezing him hard with my own. "I don't know what I can say, I don't know
how to make it better, but I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

I felt Josh's heart beating hard beneath his t-shirt, his curved pec
pressing against my cheek. His hands were soft, and they slid up my
shoulders to my face, his fingers dancing along my jawline as he titled my
head up. I stared into his blue eyes, seeing the tears standing in them,
only a few slipping down his high, graceful cheeks. My own cheeks were wet
as well, and my lip trembled as I stared at the face of the man I loved
more than anything, wishing I could do something to take his pain away,
knowing that I had caused it. Josh might be willing to believe that I had
only done it because I was upset, but the truth was I hadn't thought about
him at all, and that was unacceptable. Josh was the most important person
in the world to me, and I could never let him be second, because he never
did that to me.

"Jack, don't say anything else," Josh said quietly. "I know you didn't mean
it, and I'm not angry anymore. Let's not talk about this anymore, ok?"

"No, that's not ok," I said quietly. "I'll never hurt you like this again,
Josh, never. I'm not going to just forget about it. If you don't want to
talk about it anymore, that's fine, but I'm not going to forget what I did,
Josh. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Jack, just knowing you didn't mean to, and that you're sorry, that's
enough," Josh said quietly. "You don't have to make it up to me."

"Yes I do," I insisted stubbornly. "But we're not arguing about this, ok?"

"OK," he said, hugging me again. We stood like that for a minute, soaking
in each other's presence, our heads on each other's shoulders, and then I
felt Josh's breath on my neck as he spoke again. "Do you want to go get
some dinner?"

"Sure," I breathed, relieved. "Let's go get Andrew."

Over dinner, at a Tex-Mex place we had spotted up the road, Josh asked what
Andrew and I had found, and I took the folded sheets out of my bag,
explaining what had happened.

"Andrew was a big help," I said, unfolding the papers between us, pushing
the nachos and salsa out of the way. "Honestly I probably wouldn't have
been able to find this by myself."

"Thanks, Andrew," Josh said, smiling at him. Andrew shrugged, looking
almost uncomfortable.

"What's a little lawbreaking among friends?" he asked, smiling a little.
Josh's eyebrow went up a little at hearing Andrew call us "friends", when
the other day he had explained to us that he saw us as "clients", but he
let it pass. I squeezed his hand briefly, to let him know that I caught it,
too, and we both smiled. "So what are we going to do?"

"Well, we have these addresses," I said. "The lawyer doesn't open until the
afternoon.  Maybe in the morning we could, um, maybe we could go to these
places."

"Miss?" Josh called, waving the waitress over. "Do you have a phone book we
could borrow? Thanks."

When she brought the phone book we looked up the last names, cross checking
the addresses. For the newer one, there was still someone with that last
name at that address, but the one with the older address had no listing in
the phone book. No one in town had that last name, not in the entire phone
book.

"Maybe she got married," Josh suggested.

"Or moved away," I said pessimistically. "Look how old the address
is. She's probably gone."

"Or just really healthy," Josh suggested hopefully. "And we still have the
other one. In the morning, why don't we start there? We'll go back tonight
and get a good night's sleep, since it's been such a long day, and then, if
you still want to, we'll go try to find Darleen in the morning."

"OK," I said, folding the papers back up. My mom could be Nancy, or she
could be Darleen. Or there could be another record lost in the tangled
paper morass of that archive room. When we finished our dinner and drove
back to the hotel I gave Josh a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping
back out into the hallway. "I'll be right back.  I need to ask Andrew
something."

I'd thought of this during dinner. I wanted to make it up to Josh for what
I had done, but I wanted it to be a Josh gesture, a grand romantic gesture,
the kind of thing that would let him know how much he meant to me, how
deeply sorry I was, and how much I loved him. Since I was trapped in the
room with Josh all night, I needed to enlist some help, and it might as
well be my partner in crime. When I tapped at his door he opened it with
his cell phone in his hand.

"Oh, is this a bad time?" I asked, not wanting to interrupt his call.

"No, no, Jack," he answered, folding the phone closed. "I was about to call
someone, but it can wait. Did you need something?"

"I need your help," I said, holding out my credit card.

The next morning I was awakened by a knock at the door as Josh snuggled
against me from behind. I glanced at the clock and saw that Andrew had
gotten it right on time, so I nudged Josh awake with my arm.

"Baby, get the door," I whispered. They knocked again. "Hurry."

Sighing, Josh pulled himself out of bed and stepped into one of the pairs
of pants we'd flung onto the floor the night before. Tugging a t-shirt over
his head, he opened the door as I pulled the sheet demurely up to my waist,
sitting up in bed. The hotel was one of those outdoor two story block
models, with the walkway outside, and sunlight spilled through the doorway
around Josh as he squinted at the delivery guy, who was holding a large
vase of red roses.

"Josh Chasez?" he asked, and Josh nodded. "These are for you. Have a good
day."

"Jack?" Josh asked, turning to me with the flowers in his hand. He was
beaming over the top of them.

"I'm sorry about yesterday, Josh," I said, smiling. Josh's eyes started to
water, and I knew I'd hit my mark.

"Jack, you didn't have to do," he began, but was cut short by another knock
at the door.  Opening it, I saw another florist, with another bouquet.

"Josh Chasez? Sign for these, please."

Josh turned back to me, roses in both hands now. Before he could say
anything, though, there was another knock, followed by a second before he
could even open the door. Josh was speechless as a second, third, and forth
dozen roses were pressed into his hands, and I slid out of bed during one
of the brief pauses while the door was closed to dart into the
shower. Andrew had followed my instructions to the letter, and I laughed to
myself as I heard Josh opening the door again. When I sauntered out of the
bathroom, my towel wrapped around my hips, I laughed as I saw him trying to
lay out clothes for me without knocking over the vases holding twelve dozen
red roses. Josh dropped a pair of alligator cowboy boots loudly on the
floor as he crossed the room to scoop me up in his arms, crushing my wet
chest to his, and I laughed as he lifted me off the floor and spun me
around.

"I love you, baby," he said, lowering me to the floor to kiss me. "I can't
believe you did this."

"I love you, too, Josh," I said, kissing him back, pressing my lips to his.
"And I'm sorry I hurt you, babe. I'll never do it again, I promise."

"I know, Jack," he whispered, just holding onto me. "I know. This is the
sweetest, most surprising thing that anyone's ever done for me."

"It was when you did it for me," I said, grinning. "Besides, I thought the
makeup sex last night was pretty sweet, too."

"Yup," Josh agreed, blushing a little.

"Don't go shy on me now, Officer Josh," I said, laughing. "I can't believe
you packed that police hat."

"I'm just glad those handcuffs didn't bruise your wrists," he said,
stepping away. "Why don't you get dressed now, and I'll shower up, and then
we can go grab Andrew for breakfast."

"OK," I said, turning to the bed. I could see it was another themed outfit
today, but I got dressed without protest. After Josh did as well, though, I
couldn't help giggling at the two of us. "We look like extras from 'Hee
Haw', Josh."

"I just thought that it might be fun, since we were out west, to look kind
of western," he said, smiling, as he took my hand.

We definitely looked kind of western, in our matching painted on jeans and
denim jackets. Beneath mine I had a blue gingham shirt, and Josh had one in
pink.  We had wide belts with shiny silver buckles, mine decorated with
turquoise, and cowboy boots, mine the alligator ones I'd seen before and
Josh's snakeskin. I drew the line at cowboy hats, wondering how Josh had
managed to pack them without them getting crushed or wrinkled, and he
looked a little crestfallen, but went along with it. Andrew burst out
laughing when he saw us.

"Oh, crap, the gay rodeo's in town and I didn't buy any tickets!" he said,
guffawing. I snickered behind my hand as Josh attempted to maintain his
dignity.

"They're not that bad," he said, pulling me along toward the car, our arms
laced together.

"No, you're right," Andrew agreed. "They just look like you stole them from
a photo shoot for your last tour. Let's go get some breakfast, cowboys."

"I prefer the term 'cowpoke', thank you," I said.

"I bet you do," Andrew said, smiling. Josh was blushing now, so I let it
drop.

Over breakfast, we avoided talking about where we were going next, which
left us without much to talk about. Yesterday I had been all gung-ho and
ready to go out and find this woman, but yesterday it had seemed like a
game. This morning, it suddenly seemed very real again, and I wasn't sure
how I felt. I was starting to doubt again whether I really wanted to do
this, whether I really wanted to face the woman who gave me up. Honestly,
what right did I have to show up at her door and demand answers? Josh
sensed me wavering as I sliced up my French toast, and laid his hand over
mine, waving Andrew away from the table for a minute.

"Jack, remember, we don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said
quietly. "We've come this far, and if this is as far as you want to go, we
can always come back. It's all up to you, Jack."

"I know," I said, staring into his eyes. Just like that, everything I'd
done yesterday, everything I'd said to hurt him, was gone, and he was back
to worrying about me. Josh was such a better person than I was. "I'm just a
little nervous, ok? I just, I'm worried that this is going to eat away at
me if I don't face it, but I'm also afraid of what's going to happen when I
do."

"Jack, whatever happens, you'll still have me," Josh said, leaning forward
to rest his forehead against mine. "We'll still be here, and we'll still be
a little family all by ourselves, ok?"

"OK, Josh," I sighed. "Better tell Andrew he can come back over, before his
eggs get cold."

"So what are we doing?" Andrew asked, sitting down.

"Well, we have that map of town," I said, thinking of my bag in the car.
"Why don't we go find the house, and drive by, and figure it out from
there, ok?"

They both nodded, and I felt a little relieved. Neither of them was going
to push me, but I was going to have to push myself. When breakfast was over
we piled into the car, Josh sitting in the back with me, his fingers laced
through mine as I flipped nervously through the pages, helping Andrew
navigate. After a few wrong turns, caused more by me not reading the map
correctly than by any issues with Andrew's driving, we found ourselves on a
quiet side street. The houses were long, low, ranch style, with nice
yards. Everything was very well kept, and the driveways were full of
minivans and children's toys. All in all it looked like a very nice
neighborhood, the kind of normal suburban sprawl that lots of kids grew up
in, the kind of place where dad came home from work to see mom and the kids
and the dog, and everyone smiled and had a great day. As much as I'd found
Bowie creepy, part of me also wanted to live in a place just like that. A
place that looked like this. After circling the block once, I asked Andrew
to stop across the street from the house.

"Jack, are you ok?" Josh asked, pushing my hair back from my forehead as
the three of us stared out the window.

The house was a low, white stucco one story, with a bright green lawn and
rosebushes near the door. There was a car, a burgundy station wagon
(although in this neighborhood I would be willing to bet it was either
"cranberry bog" or "wine red"), in the driveway, but I couldn't tell
through the curtains if anyone was home. I glanced at the house next door,
and saw the newspaper on their step. There wasn't one on the step of the
house, meaning that they were either awake, or that they didn't get the
paper. I squeezed Josh's hand, and unbuckled the seatbelt. Josh looked at
me, his face neutral, his eyes wide and concerned, as I reached for my door
handle.

"Do you want us to wait in the car?" Josh asked, willing to let me play
this however I chose.

"No," I said, taking his hand. "Andrew, if you wouldn't mind waiting here.
Josh, please, please come with me. I don't want to do this by myself."

Josh looked at our hands, at the silver bands glinting on his fingers as
they laced through mine.

"What about, you know, what we talked about before?" Josh asked. "The other
night.  What about that?"

"I don't care," I said, shaking my head. "I love you, and I need your
support. You're more important to me than whatever I'm going to find here,
Josh. Please, please come with me."

"OK," he said, sliding out of the car.

Andrew watched carefully as we crossed the street and walked up the
sidewalk to the door. My heart was pounding, and I felt a little unsteady,
but Josh was right there with me, holding my hand. Swallowing hard,
steeling myself for disappointment, I reached out and rang the bell. We
heard chimes call through the house, but no one answered, so I rang
again. There was still no answer, at least not inside the house, and I felt
an urge to start pounding on the door, beating it with my fists. Josh
squeezed my hand, and I turned to him, feeling very frustrated
again. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I had thought that there wouldn't
be much work to this, that the plane would just land and it would be like
BAM! There she is! Every time we ran into an obstacle I just wanted to
scream. As I opened my mouth, not sure what I was going to say, the two of
us froze, hearing a woman's voice call out to us.

"I'm around the back!" she yelled. She sounded vibrant and friendly, and
must be very happy and trusting to just yell to a faceless stranger at the
door that she was in the backyard. "Come on around the side!"

I took Josh's hand, and we began to walk around the side of the house. I
was so nervous that I was shaking, and Josh squeezed my hand tightly as it
trembled in his.  The effort of just putting one foot in front of the other
as we walked along the wall seemed Herculean to me, and I realized that I
was holding my breath. I let it out in a long, slow exhale, trying to stay
calm as we turned the corner, and saw her, Darleen, kneeling on a pad next
to a rose bush. She had on shorts and a nice top, a wide straw hat, and her
hands were carefully protected by floral patterned gardening gloves. She
was pruning the bush in front of her, snipping off the yellowish pink
roses, but there was also a little bundle of flowers on the mat next to
her, as if she was going to bring them inside to arrange them.  Her hair
was all white under the hat, but she had a kind face, and she could be my
mother.

"Hello?" she asked, unsure but not afraid, as she looked up at us.

"Are you, are you Darleen Santos?" I asked, not even introducing myself. My
voice was a little unsteady, but I was holding it together.

"Yes, that's me," she answered, her brown eyes ticking back and forth
between Josh and I. A brown eyed woman could have a green eyed son, I
thought randomly. "I'm sorry, but do I know you? You look familiar, but I'm
not placing you. Are you boys from church?"

"No, we're not from your church," Josh said. My tongue was frozen in my
mouth.  "We're."

"Did you have a baby?" I asked suddenly, dropping down to my knees next to
her. Josh's hands settled onto my shoulders, just holding them, as he stood
behind me.  "Did you have a baby boy at the hospital here in town
twenty-six years ago?"

"I'm sorry, but what is this all about?" she asked, looking back and forth
between the two of us. She leaned back a little, as if debating whether or
not we might be crazy, and Josh dropped down next to me, taking my hand
again. "Who are you?"

"My name is Jack Springer, and I was born here, twenty six years ago," I
said, watching her face, staring into her eyes. "I was adopted, and I moved
away, but I'm looking, I'm trying to find out, you know, who I am, and I,
well, are you my mother?"

She swallowed, blinking at us, and I saw the answer on her face before she
spoke.

"Jack, I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother," she said quietly, and I felt
tears spring into my eyes. I don't know why I was crying, but suddenly I
was blinking furiously to clear the water, to see her. I blinked as I felt
her hand, removed from the glove, touch the side of my face for a
second. "I'm sorry. I know this must be hard for you, but I'm not the woman
you're looking for. My son, Tommy, lives over on the other side of town. I
did have a baby, but my husband and I brought him home with us. I wish I
could help you, but I'm not her. I'm sorry, Jack."

"That's ok," I said, as the three of us stood. I turned to Josh and pressed
my face to his chest, and I felt his arm curl protectively across my back.

"Thank you," Josh said over my shoulder. His voice was firm, but I could
tell that he felt bad for me. "We're sorry to have bothered you."

"It's no bother," she said, holding the bunch of roses in her hand. "Good
luck, though.  I'm sorry I couldn't help you."

"Thank you, anyway," I said, wiping at my eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know
why I'm crying."

The three of us laughed a little as she walked us around the side of the
house. Later she would probably tell her family, her husband and her son,
Tommy, about the odd thing that happened to her this afternoon, about the
strange man with no family who had cried in the backyard because she wasn't
his mother. They would have dinner, or watch television, or play with her
grandchildren, and Josh and I would go back to the hotel alone. Maybe even
later she would glance at a magazine from last week, and realize why we
looked familiar, and she would tell her family that, too. Whatever
happened, she still wouldn't be my mother.

"Do you remember anyone else at the hospital?" Josh asked suddenly. I
squeezed his hand in surprise, wondering why it hadn't occurred to
me. "Anyone else giving birth?  Maybe a woman named Nancy?"

"It's been so long," Darleen said absently, glancing up toward the sky.
"It's not the kind of thing you forget, though. There was a girl named
Nancy in the waiting room with me, a younger girl. She talked to me for a
few minutes, told me that she'd never had a baby before. I don't know what
happened to her. I was ready to go, and they brought me in, and I didn't
give her a second thought. I'm sorry."

"That's ok," Josh said, hugging me to him. "Thank you so much."

"Yeah, thanks," I said, smiling.

Andrew didn't say anything when we got back in the car, but I think he
could read our faces well enough to figure out what happened. If not, he
could just guess based on the fact that we'd only been gone for five
minutes. He started the car back up as I sighed and leaned against Josh
again, and Josh wiped off my face carefully with a tissue, blotting up the
tears on my cheeks. Andrew watched us in the rearview mirror, waiting for
some directions, but I appreciated him giving us a little space for me to
collect myself. I smiled at Josh.

"You know, I never used to cry so much when I was by myself," I said,
shrugging. "I guess you're thawing me."

"That can't be a bad thing," Josh said, kissing me on the forehead.

"Guys?" Andrew asked, clearing his throat a little. "What are we doing
now?"

Josh looked at me, holding my hand, waiting.

"Let's go to the other house," I said, picking up the map again. It was
shaking a little in my hand, and I figured my body had probably just
dropped a gallon of adrenaline into my bloodstream. "Drive down to the next
intersection and take a right."

It took us a little longer to reach the next address, as it was some
distance outside of town. We left the suburbs and the green lawn, and the
land got a little dryer. It wasn't sandy desert, like the picture I had in
my head of the Sahara, but it was definitely rocky, dry country. The plants
were smaller, scrubbier, and everything had a faded, sunbaked kind of tone
to it. It was very pretty country, warm and dry, and the horizon seemed to
stretch forever beneath the blue sky. I had a sudden urge to be out here at
night, to tilt my head back, because I knew the sky would be full of stars
here, with the air so clear and the lights of the cities miles away. A
light breeze was kicking up as the three of us got out of the car at the
next address, and stared at the place where the house used to be.

There were still a few boards, gray and completely stripped of paint, and
most of the chimney, leaning drunkenly to the side amid a shock of
weeds. The foundation was still there, dark stone, and the tops of it were
burned black, although it was impossible to tell how long ago. I walked all
around it, stepping down the remnants of the driveway where we had parked,
seeing the place that used to be lawn but which was now being slowly
overtaken by the native plants, swallowed back into the landscape. Josh
followed along quietly behind me, holding my hand, waiting for me to say
something, and Andrew folded his arms and leaned back against the car. I
closed my eyes and tried to see it, but it was impossible to imagine what
the house would have looked like before the fire. There was nothing left.

"Jack?" Josh asked finally, his hand settling onto my shoulder as I stared,
trying to see floorboards, wondering if there had been a porch. There was a
large tree in the back, with a faded spot on one of the large branches, and
I wondered if it had held a tire swing, and how long ago.

"There's nothing here," I said finally, turning toward the car. "She's
gone, and we're at another dead end. I'm never going to find her, Josh."

"Yes you are," Josh said, pulling me toward him. I rested my head on his
shoulder and felt his arms sliding up my back, trapped between my shirt and
the denim jacket. "We'll find her, Jack, we will."

"There's still the lawyer," Andrew said loudly from the car. "He opens in
three hours."

Josh and I began to walk to the car. We needed to find something to do for
the next three hours, and then we would go to see the lawyer. He would have
our answer. He had to. I just wasn't sure, though, thinking about what had
happened at the hospital, if he'd be allowed to give it to us.

***

To be continued.