Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 16:29:44 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 123

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

That said, on with Season 7.

***Joey***

Joey sat on the couch, watching as Justin held himself, wrapping his hands
around his elbows. Tears were running down Justin's face now, but he seemed
unaware of them.

"I love him, Joey," Justin repeated, his voice cracking. "I love Lance, and
I want him to be happy. That's all I want."

Joey jumped up, grabbing him, and Justin sobbed against his chest, burying
his face there, unable to look at Joey, not wanting to see whatever was in
his eyes.

"It's ok, Justin," Joey soothed. "It's ok. Let it out."

"I just want him to find someone," Justin explained, crying steadily. "I
just want, he deserves to be happy, and I don't want to screw that up for
him."

"Justin, why wouldn't he be happy with you?" Joey asked. How could Justin
be so blind not to see the way Lance looked at him, the way Lance was with
him. "I've never seen him like he is with you, Justin."

Justin shook his head against Joey's chest.

"He can't love me," Justin said, sniffling. "He can't, Joey. I'm not, I,
Lance deserves someone better than me. Lance deserves someone who won't
hurt him, someone who's, who's good, and perfect, and I'm not."

"Maybe you are to Lance," Joey said quietly.

"I can't be," Justin argued. "I'm, I've done things, bad things, Joey. I
hurt Lance, and I hurt everyone. I can't do that to him. I want him to be
happy, to find someone, so I went away. If I'm not there, he won't notice
me, and he'll, he'll go with Chad, or with someone, and he'll be happy,
Joey."

"What about you, Justin?" Joey asked. Justin pulled away from him, walking
toward the windows.

"I don't matter," Justin answered quietly. "I'm trash, Joey. I'm just a
pretty face, and that's all people have ever wanted from me. I'm no better
than Nick."

Joey looked down at his hands, and then looked up again at Justin's back,
at his slumped shoulders and his lowered head. He saw Justin standing
there, broken inside, maybe forever, and felt rage surge up in him
again. He felt this way the other night when he punched Nick in the face,
when he thought about the way Justin used to be.  Even if he hadn't always
liked him, he'd been a whole person, damn it. He'd been young, and happy,
and had enjoyed life. He hadn't been this husk, this walking shadow who was
so afraid of everything that he couldn't even sleep in a room alone.

"That's bullshit, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his shoulders. Justin
cringed. "You're not trash! God damn it, Justin, how many times are you
going to do this to yourself?"

"What?" Justin blinked, shaking. He was so afraid, but Joey would never
hurt him, would he?

"You deserve to be happy, too, Justin," Joey snapped, holding him tightly,
glaring into his eyes. "You deserve to be happy just as much as Lance
does. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, Justin? Crying
and afraid and alone? Is it?"

"No," Justin whimpered, feeling his heart pounding. None of the others
every yelled at him any more. None of them grabbed him, or screamed at
him. He was frozen, but he felt something else opening inside of him,
something hard that he had forgotten was there.

"What?" Joey barked.

"No!" Justin yelled. "No!"

"Then stop it," Joey said, letting go of him. Justin stepped away,
blinking, his hand drifting up to his mouth as if he couldn't believe that
he'd just yelled at someone. "How many times are you going to do this,
Justin? How many times are you going to break yourself because you think
you're not good enough? I saw you do it with JC, and I'm not going to watch
you do it again. If you love Lance, you're going to fight for him, damn
it."

"I can't," Justin said, shaking his head.

"Yes you can!" Joey snapped. "Damn it, Justin, when did you ever quit? When
did you ever give up? When did you ever just lay down and let things
happen? You have to fight, Justin, you have to. You can't give up, damn
it. I won't let you."

"But I," Justin began, sputtering, trying to slide back into his closed off
space where he felt safe. "He, I."

"No buts, Justin," Joey said, shaking his head. "Do you love him? Do you
love Lance as much as you say you do?"

"Yes," Justin admitted, looking away.

"I can't hear you," Joey said, knowing he was pushing him. Somebody had to,
damn it. "I don't believe you."

"I love him," Justin repeated, and looked up to see Joey shaking his head.
"I love him!"

"Then you have to tell him, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his arm. Justin
gasped.

"I don't know," Justin began. Joey shook his head.

"No, Justin," Joey said. "You do know. You love him. Maybe he only loves
you as a friend. Maybe he really does like Chad. Or maybe he cares about
you, Justin.  Maybe he's afraid of the same thing you are, of pushing you
away. One of you has to say it. For better or worse, one of you has to take
the chance."

"I don't know if I can," Justin said, his lip trembling. "What if I lose
him?"

"What if you win?" Joey asked. Justin shook his head again, and Joey fought
the urge to shake him, watching the struggle inside him, watching
everything fight and bubble under the surface.

"It's, I," Justin sputtered again. Joey's face was right in front of his.
There was nowhere to go, and he knew Joey was right. He knew it. He was
just afraid, so afraid.

"Justin, what if this is your only chance?" Joey asked. "What if you spend
your whole life alone, and scared, and crying, because you had this chance,
and you were too scared to take it? Is that what you want, Justin? Is it?"

"No," Justin said shaking his head. "No, I love him."

"Then you have to fight for him, Justin," Joey said, hugging him again.
Justin squeezed him tightly.

"I'll tell him, Joey," Justin whispered. "I'll tell him tonight."

***Lance***

Justin was acting oddly around him again, and Lance couldn't put his finger
on exactly how. Something was wrong, but it didn't seem like the same thing
that was wrong yesterday. Yesterday, Justin had pushed him away, and been
closed off.  Tonight, when he finally saw Justin at dinner, Justin was
looking at him differently, hopefully, as if he was waiting for Lance to
say something. Lance wanted to oblige him, wanted to say something, but he
had no idea what Justin was looking for. He got the feeling that Justin was
trying to say something to him, but every time Justin turned toward him,
eyes wide, swallowing hard, he seemed to choke. Lance wanted to ask him
about it before the concert, but was afraid it would break up their
routine, that it might throw Justin, so instead he made sure they did
things the same way they always did. So now, here they were, toweling the
sweat off of themselves as they stripped off the last set of stage
costumes, listening to the fans leave the venue, and they couldn't think of
a thing to say to each other.

"So, um, did you sleep ok last night?" Lance asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," Justin said, not wanting Lance to worry. He realized
that Lance would probably be able to see the lie on his face. "I had bad
dreams, but I got some more sleep today, so I guess it was ok."

"It felt really strange not to be around you," Lance said, wondering if
Justin felt that. "I kind of forgot what it was like to not have you
there."

"I was thinking the same thing," Justin said, swallowing. He waited for
Lance to ask if he wanted to come back, hoping that Lance would say it so
that he didn't have to. He'd been hoping all night that Lance would say
something first, because he was so nervous. Every time he tried to bring
something up his tongue just froze in his mouth.  Maybe he needed to make
Lance realize how much he must miss having him around. "What did you do
today?"

"I, um, Chad came over, and we went out to see a movie," Lance said. He was
turned away, because Justin had started to pull his shirt off, so he didn't
see Justin's face fall at the answer. Interpreting Justin's silence as
interest, he kept talking. "It wasn't a bad movie, and Chad really liked
it. We went out to eat, too, and we just kind of walked around the mall. I
didn't really buy anything, but there was this leather jacket, with this
fringe on it, that Chad thought I should buy it, but I thought it was a
little over the top, you know? Justin? Are you dressed yet?"

"Just a second," Justin said, wiping at his eyes quickly. He knew what he
and Joey had talked about, and what he was supposed to do, but he didn't
know that Lance had gone straight to Chad as soon as he was gone. For Lance
to just move on like that, like he was just waiting for Justin to be out of
the way, it had to mean that Lance didn't feel the same way. Justin pulled
his pants on and began walking quickly toward the door.  "I'm dressed."

"OK," Lance said, turning around. He blinked at seeing Justin walking past
him. "Hey, where are you going?"

"To see Joey," Justin said quickly, almost spitting it at him, knowing that
Lance was still mad at Joey. He didn't mean to hurt Lance, didn't want to,
but it stung thinking about Lance and Chad, seeing a movie, having a meal,
doing all of the things he should have done if he wasn't so stupid and
afraid. "I have to ask Joey something."

"OK," Lance said quickly, not wanting Justin to feel uncomfortable.

After Justin left, Lance continued getting dressed, and looked up when he
heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," Lance called, curious. Justin wouldn't knock, and, sure enough,
when the door opened, Justin wasn't there. Instead Chad was leaning in,
smiling. He was wearing an extremely subdued outfit, plain khaki pants and
a clinging light pink long sleeved shirt that brought out his eyes without
making him look too pale. "Hey."

"Hi," Chad said, grinning sheepishly. "You guys were great tonight."

"Thanks," Lance said, smiling as well and pulling his shoes on. Chad's hair
wasn't as heavily gelled as usual, either, and Lance thought for a second
that he looked a little more normal, and a lot more attractive. "Did you
come just to tell me that, or was there something else."

Chad fidgeted for a second, taking a deep breath as he jammed his hands
into his pockets.

"There was something else," he said finally, staring at Lance. "I was
wondering if, um, there's a park in the city, and."

"You were wondering if there was a park?" Lance asked, giggling. He knew it
wasn't what Chad was trying to say, but he was giddy from being onstage,
and Chad grinned, too, feeling the tension ease a little.

"No, I know there's a park," Chad said, leaning on the doorframe. "What I
was trying to say, before you decided to be funny, was that there's a park,
and they do carriage rides through it, at night, and it's supposed to be
really nice, and I, um, I have one reserved, and I kind of wanted to know
if you wanted to go with me."

Lance thought about it for a minute, and looked at Chad again. He thought
about being outside, in the quiet, and how Chad's eyes might look with city
lights and stars in them.

"I'll have to change my clothes, and send word to the busdriver to leave
without me," Lance answered finally, and Chad grinned and clapped his
hands. "Chad, I think this is a date. What do you think?"

"Yay!" Chad grinned, flying across the room to hug Lance, almost bowling
him over.  "We're going on a date!"

Justin retreated from the door, running back down the hall to Joey's
dressing room, knowing that he'd find Josh, and Chris, and Jack, and Joey,
and that they'd be there for him.

***Jack***

Chad, as part of his new dedication to getting his job done, met Andrew and
I personally at the airport, keeping a car standing by at the curb when we
got off the plane. I was already irritated when we landed, because the
plane was late, and I knew that we wouldn't make it back in time for
dinner. I had talked to Josh twice today, before I got on the plane and
after my connecting flight landed, because he was still upset by his
nightmare, and still convinced my plane was going to fall out of the sky
and I would just be gone. It wasn't like him to be so upset, but I knew
that it was all the other stuff bothering him, and this was just the way he
was letting it out. I sent him a text message from the airport, wishing him
luck with the show tonight and promising that I would be there by the time
it was over. Chad looked halfway normal, and I was almost tempted to ask
why, but figured I should talk to him as little as possible. I was still
irritated from talking to Kevin the night before, and didn't want to take
it out on Chad.

"Hey, how did everything go?" he asked, waving as Andrew and I came down
the walkway. Andrew and I glanced at each other, not saying
anything. Andrew knew how badly dinner had gone, and just in case he'd
missed it I'd run six miles on the gym's treadmill this morning, gritting
my teeth and refusing to share it with anyone else. They could use a bike,
damn it.

"Fine," I answered, letting Chad lead us to the car. "We're not going to
make dinner, are we?"

"No," Chad answered, shaking his head. He looked stricken, as if it was his
fault. "It's because your plane was late, Jack. I'm sorry. We'll still get
there by the time the opening act goes on."

"Chad, it's ok," I said, shaking my head. He must think I was a total
nutcase to imagine that I'd yell at him because my plane was late. Then
again, I yelled at him for everything else. Josh was right. I'd been kind
of unfair to Chad, and I felt a little bad about it, but I still didn't
like him. "Let's just grab our bags and get out of here."

"Here, I'll carry one," Chad blurted, grabbing Andrew's suitcase. Andrew
and I glanced at each other again as Chad hurried away to the car. Chad,
doing menial labor? He might chip a nail. Oooops, bitchy thought. I leaned
over to Andrew.

"Whatever he did this time must be really bad," I whispered as Chad hurried
ahead to let the driver at the curb know we were coming.

"Judging by this, you probably don't even want to know," Andrew whispered
back. By the time we were in traffic I couldn't contain my curiosity any
longer, and had to ask.

"Chad, is everything ok?" I asked carefully, trying to look neutral and
pleasant.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's good," Chad answered, sitting anxiously across
from me. If I had to pin a word on it, I would say he looked poised,
eagerly awaiting my every possible need, like he'd suddenly become a model
assistant. It was completely alien, and I wanted to check the trunk to see
if the pod with his body in it was back there. "Is something wrong? Did you
have something else I needed to work on?"

"No, that's ok," I said, baffled. "I was just, you know, thought I'd
check."

"Jack, can I ask you something?" Chad asked, his action defeating his
question. I nodded, wondering what the hell was going on. "Since you're not
going to be speaking anymore for a while, you're not really going to need
me, are you? I mean, you'll need help with your mail, but that's something
the Jive office can handle if you need them to, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess," I answered. Where did that come from? Was he just blurting
whatever thoughts popped into his mind? "I'm not really sure how things
work with that, but someone handles all the rest of the fan mail over
there, and could just as easily handle ours. Why?"

"No reason," Chad answered, looking out the window. "I mean, nothing
important. I was just, you know, wondering."

"OK, sure," I said, shrugging, wondering if hair dye really could leak into
your brain.

When we got to the venue Chad handed me my stage pass. He offered one to
Andrew, but he wanted to head to the hotel, get changed, and go out to a
bar somewhere, taking full advantage of his couple of days off. After he
went out of town with me, I liked to give Andrew a day or two to go play,
to vent some steam. It was the least I could do for completely uprooting
him to come on tour with us, even if he'd agreed to it.  Chad went off to
go sit in his seats, and I went to VIP without Andrew, assuring him that I
was fine with concert security, just as the opening act was finishing.

When the guys came on I watched with rapt attention, but they were off
tonight. It wasn't anything the fans would notice, since the guys were
consummate professionals, but I could tell that something was going
on. Justin looked tense, and Lance was feeding off of it, too. The other
three were all reacting accordingly, and I wondered if it had anything to
do with Chad's overly solicitous sudden competence. I didn't wait for the
show to close, and was already heading backstage before the last number,
nodding to security and flashing my pass as I went through. Some of the
fans recognized me, and waved as I went by, and I waved back absently
before I vanished backstage, knowing my way around. I went to the side of
the stage, knowing where they'd exit, because I'd promised Josh that I
would be there, and I never broke a promise. He must have been thinking of
it, too, because he was the first one out, and he was looking around as he
came through the last black curtain.

"Jack!" he yelped, trotting toward me. He was still on his stage high, his
hair dripping with sweat, his clothes clinging to his firm torso, and he
grabbed me, spinning me around, my feet leaving the floor as I laughed. "Oh
baby, you're here!"

"I promised I'd be here," I said, sliding down him, chest to chest, as he
lowered me to the floor. I kept my arms around his shoulders, and pressed
my mouth against his, feeling his hands sliding up my back as he held me to
him, making a little contented moan. I felt Joey, Chris, Lance, and Justin
tap me on the shoulder as they went by, smiling and nodding at each other,
and I called down the hall after them. "Great show, guys!"

Josh pulled back, looking at me thoughtfully, his blue eyes probing mine.

"You're lying," he whispered, low so that none of the crew could hear.

"I know," I answered, holding him. His smile was still there, but I could
see the line between his eyebrows. He was still in performance mode,
mostly, but as he slipped out of it his smile was dropping. "Are you ok
Josh? Not everyone else, but you?"

"Now that you're here," he answered, hugging me tightly. I could feel his
heart pounding in his chest as I rested a hand on it. "Jack, that dream
scared the hell out of me. I know it sounds stupid, but it seemed so
real. We were touring, and you flew out, and you never came back, and when
I woke up I was all alone in the bed. Junior was with me, and you were
gone, and I don't want to think about that, Jack, never again. I don't know
if I'd be able to keep going, if I could still do it, without you."

"I won't leave you, Josh," I said, not sure how I intended to keep such a
promise, but I did. I meant every word I said. I kissed him on the
forehead. "Let's go get you changed, and then we can talk about everyone
else, ok?"

We walked hand in hand down the hall to the dressing rooms, and Josh went
inside, looking at me curiously when I paused in the hall. I tapped at the
door.

"You guys ok if I come in?" I asked, not wanting to invade their privacy.

"Sure," Joey answered. I could hear him giggling. "We let JC in."

"Come on in," Chris said, giggling too. "Why should you be the only one who
hasn't seen Joey's fat hairy ass?"

"You guys," Josh said, shaking his head as he pulled me inside.

Contrary to Chris's statements, there were no hairy asses on display. Both
of them were in undershirts, and already had pants on, having had an extra
minute or two while Josh and I talked by the stage. Josh immediately began
peeling clothing off as I took a seat in a side chair, my normally shy boy
completely comfortable stripping down to his boxer briefs in front of the
two of them. My mouth practically filled with saliva as I watched Josh peel
his clothes off and towel himself, blotting at his rounded chest, and the
ladderlike ripple of his abs. He knew I was watching, and made quite a
production of bending over to swab the sweat from his legs with a towel. My
eyes followed every move, every line, and every muscle, drinking him in,
before Chris's fingers suddenly snapped in front of my face.

"I wouldn't have let you in if I'd known JC was going to go all softcore
porno on us over there," Chris said, shaking his head. He turned to Josh,
who was blushing as he reached for more clothes. "Could you please get
dressed, so we can get on the bus and take this back to the hotel, where we
don't all have to watch?"

"Sorry," Josh said. Before he could say anything else, the door burst open,
and Justin hurried inside, flinging his arms around Joey, of all people.

"I'm sorry," Justin sobbed, as Chris hurried over to push the door closed
again. "I'm sorry, Joey, I couldn't do it."

"Calm down," Joey soothed, looking helplessly at us as Justin clung to him.
I felt completely baffled as Josh went for a box of tissues on the counter,
and Joey pulled Justin toward a chair. No one seemed the least bit
surprised at Justin coming running to Joey, or, if they were, they were
more concerned about Justin being so upset. "Whatever it is, it's ok,
Justin. Come sit down and tell me what's wrong."

"I'm sorry," Justin repeated. "I tried to, to be strong, and I wanted to
tell him, and I, I, it's too late, Joey. It's too late."

"Tell who what?" Josh asked, handing Justin a tissue as he slumped into a
chair. Chris and I stared at each other, realizing neither of us had the
answers.  "Justin?"

"Do you want a drink?" Joey asked, and I went for a water bottle before
Justin could nod, pressing it into his shaking hand. Justin swallowed it,
his eyes closed, as Joey rubbed his back. "Do you want everyone else to
stay in here?"

Josh shot Joey a glare, like he was about to protest, and I put a hand on
his shoulder as he knelt on the floor, passing Justin tissues. If Justin
wanted us to leave, we would go, no questions asked, and Josh knew it. He
just needed a little reminding.

"Nobody has to leave," Justin said quietly, swallowing, as he got himself
under control.  "I tried, Joey, I really tried."

"I'm sure you did," Joey said, holding his hand. The two of them had really
rebuilt their friendship while none of us were looking, and while that was
a great thing to see it did nothing to answer our questions. "Do you want
to tell me what happened?"

Justin nodded, but didn't say anything. Josh took his other hand, and
Justin looked at him gratefully, his lips almost curling into a smile.

"Justin, please let us help you," Josh said. "We care about you so much,
all of us. Please, just tell us what's wrong."

"I wanted, wanted to, I tried to," Justin began, still flustered and upset.
I'd noticed lately that Justin had trouble articulating things sometimes,
which would have been hard to imagine when I met him. Joey squeezed his
hand, tugging on his arm a little.

"Why don't I bring everyone up to speed, and you calm yourself down a
little more, ok?"  Joey asked. Justin nodded. "You just jump back in
whenever you feel like you can."

"Thank you," Justin whispered, laying his forehead against Joey's for a
second. Joey turned to all of us.

"Here's the short version," Joey began, still rubbing Justin's back. Josh
was doing it, too, and I was rubbing Josh's back as I stood behind
him. "Justin had a horrible night trying to sleep alone in his suite last
night, and by the time this morning rolled around he was having a lot of
trouble. I happened to be in the hallway, and stopped to help him. I ended
up spending the whole day with him, as you guys know, but Jack, you didn't.
I got Justin back to sleep, got some food in him, and helped him get back
on his feet to be here tonight. In the middle of that somewhere, Justin
realized that I'm still his friend after all, and that I still love him."

"We noticed," Chris said, smiling. "And we like it."

"Thanks," Joey said, as Justin smiled. "We like it, too. Anyway, we were
talking, and Justin explained why he was in that suite over there by
himself."

"And that was?" I asked, since no one else said anything. Joey swallowed
uncomfortably.

"Justin thought that, um," Joey began, clearly not wanting to speak about
Justin in the third person while he sat there in front of us. "Justin
thought."

"I thought I should move across the hall because of Lance," Justin said
quietly, squeezing Joey's hand again. "I thought that I was hurting Lance,
and I wanted him to be free, to not, I don't know, I didn't want him to be
unhappy because of me, so I thought I should go."

"How would you ever make Lance unhappy?" Josh asked quietly. "Lance cares
about you, Justin. He wouldn't want you to go."

"I thought he might," Justin said, shaking his head. "I didn't think he'd
say it, but I thought I was keeping Lance from being happy, and I want him
to be, so I thought I should go, because I don't ever want to hurt him."

"What does this have to do with tonight?" Chris asked. "What does this have
to do with how upset you were just now?"

"I love Lance," Justin said, looking down. He didn't catch us all looking
at each other, but none of us looked as surprised as he might have thought
we would have.  I'd been wondering for a while when Justin and Lance would
figure out what all the rest of us kind of thought was true. "Not like a
brother. I love him, and I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't think he
could, Lance won't love me, so I thought I should leave, so that he could
find someone else, without me hanging on him all the time."

"Um, Justin," I began, intending to tell him that Lance probably loved him,
too, despite the emotional minefield that was their relationship. A look
from Joey silenced me, and I wondered what else we didn't know. Why did it
seem like there was always another secret?

"I told Justin to stop running away," Joey said, standing with a hand on
Justin's shoulder.  "I told him that he should tell Lance, and let Lance
know how he feels, for better or for worse, because it's killing him to
keep trying to bury this."

"So what happened?" Chris asked. "What happened when you told him?"

"I didn't," Justin answered, looking down, his eyes watering as if he might
start crying again. He looked up at Joey apologetically, as if he had
displeased a favorite teacher. "I wanted to, Joey. I tried to do what you
said. I tried to be strong, and to fight, and I couldn't do it."

"Just tell us what happened," Joey said, rubbing his back again. "Just tell
us what happened and we'll help you, Justin. We're all here for you."

"I tried to tell him, but I got nervous," Justin said. He sounded so
sad. "I couldn't make the words come out, so I told him, I said I was
coming to see you, to ask you something. I went to the bathroom, and got a
drink, and I thought, I remembered what you said about not quitting, about
fighting, and I went back to our dressing room. I started to open the door,
and Chad, Chad was, Lance has a date with Chad!"

We all stared at each other as Josh handed Justin another tissue. Justin
was in love with Lance? Fine. Joey thought Justin should tell him? Fine
again. Another good idea. Lance had a date with Chad? What the hell? Chad?
Last week Chad can't keep his hands off of Josh, and now suddenly he's
dating Lance? This was why he'd been so nice in the car.  He knew I'd find
out about this, and he knew I'd get pissed off. I spoke without thinking,
and startled us all.

"I knew we should have fired him," I blurted, and fought the urge to slap
my hand over my mouth. Chris snickered, and Josh handed Justin another
tissue.

***

To be continued.