Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 17:47:39 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 89

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

Back to the story in progress.

***Jack***

Josh and I fell asleep holding on to each other, comforting each other. I
told him quietly about how I had almost grayed out while I was with Justin,
and how I'd been able to fight to keep it from happening, and Josh kissed
me and told me how proud of me he was. He told me about holding Justin's
hand while the doctor examined him, and how Justin had refused to let the
doctor do a rape kit, or call the police. I didn't know they could do a kit
for a male, but apparently parts of it were applicable. Josh continued,
telling me how Justin cried and squeezed his fingers painfully together
when the doctor cleaned him and treated him, Josh telling him over and over
to be strong and that it would be over soon while Justin whimpered and
cried.

I couldn't imagine how Justin must be feeling right now, beyond the
physical pain. I had never been violated by another person, never in that
way, and it must have been so much worse for Justin. Justin's power, and
his whole sense of self, was all tied up in sex, and in his body, and Nick
had taken that away from him. I had held Justin, and listened to him, and
seen the look in his eyes. I was afraid that Nick had done more than take
his power, more than defeat him. I was afraid that Nick had crushed
something inside of him, something we wouldn't ever have back. For all of
his games and his schemes and the things he had done, Justin had also
paradoxically always kept a portion of his excited, wide-eyed innocence,
and I was worried that Nick had taken that from Justin along with his
virginity.

As if thinking about Justin wasn't enough, I also couldn't stop thinking
about Lance.  After Justin had hurt him, it had been so hard for Lance to
trust anyone again. It had been so hard for him to reach out to anyone, and
I remembered how he had struggled just to go on a second date with Howie.
Lance, before Howie, had also been a virgin, had never been with anyone,
and it had been so difficult, and taken so much, for him to be with Howie,
to learn to accept the physical side of love, and now Howie had betrayed
him.  Once again, someone had hurt him, and Lance thought it was his
fault. Once again he had been driven right up to his breaking point, and
one of us had to save him because he couldn't save himself. Somewhere, in
Lance's mind, love was all twisted up in his head, and he seemed so at home
in the role of victim, as if he expected it.

And now the two of them were over in Lance's cottage, two broken birds in
one cage. At least we could count on them not to hurt each other, and I was
harboring a secret hope that, in taking care of each other, they also learn
something about taking care of themselves.

Josh began to cry again as he continued telling me about the emergency
room, and the doctor, and how hurt Justin was, and I held him against me as
we lay face to face on the same pillow. I ran my fingers gently through
Josh's soft hair, and felt the velvet crush of his arms and shoulders as he
held me tightly, murmuring over and over that he loved me, and that he
would never hurt me. Our legs brushed each other, strong calves and thighs
entwining, and we were chest to chest from hugging so tightly. I ran my
hands up Josh's back, feeling his strength, as he nuzzled at my neck, his
beard brushing over my pulse as his nose tickled that little spot of skin
just below my ear.

"Jack, I love you so much," Josh whispered, kissing my neck. "I'll never
let anything bad happen to you again, never. I'll never hurt you, Jack, and
I'll never let anyone else hurt you, not while I can stop it. I promise,
Jack, I promise."

"I love you, Josh," I whispered back, lifting my chin as he nuzzled under
it, his fingers fluttering over the sides of my face. "All you have to
promise is to love me."

We didn't make love. Instead we just lay together, kissing, holding on to
each other, until Josh fell asleep. My mind was still turning all of it
over, chasing around and around everything, worrying over the others, and
over Josh as well. As I said before, somehow Josh managed to live in a
world where no one was every unkind to anyone else, despite everything he
had seen, and everything that had happened to all of us before this. Every
time something assaulted that world it was a blow against Josh himself, and
I worried how he would bear up under this new pressure on top of everything
he had already been sorting through, all the pain he'd been holding in as
he worked through my recovery. I was so worried about the others, Lance,
Justin, and Josh, that it had more or less smothered my thoughts of myself,
and the news that I wasn't who I thought I was, and never had been.

I had to take care of this family before I could waste any more time
brooding on the one I had been raised with, or the other one that hadn't
wanted me either.

When Josh and I woke up the next morning we showered together, and then
dressed quickly. Walking out of the apartment, we both studiously ignored
the envelope from my mother, which sat ominously on the coffee table. As
long as I wasn't going to face it, Josh wasn't going to push it, and right
now really wasn't the time, anyway.  We stopped off at the restaurant to
get some breakfast stuff, and carried it with us to Lance's cottage, unsure
of what kind of food, or how much, he would have there in the tiny
refrigerator.  We knocked on the door, waited, and knocked again before a
sleepy looking Lance, dressed in boxers and an undershirt, rubbing his
eyes, opened it.

"Good morning," he said, blinking at us.

"Hi," I said, holding up the tray. "We brought breakfast."

"Can we come in?" Josh asked.

"Sure," Lance said, stepping aside to let us through. I saw a sheet and
pillow on the couch, and glanced at Lance quizzically. He shrugged. "I
didn't want to make Justin uncomfortable. I thought if he woke up and felt
someone near him it might scare him."

"So you slept on the couch?" Josh asked.

"Had to sleep somewhere," Lance answered, shrugging. He looked away
suddenly.  "Besides, I don't want to sleep in there right now, not where,
you know, where Howie and I."

"It's ok, Lance," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder as Josh began
setting the table.

"Am I supposed to miss him, Jack?' Lance asked, blinking at me. "Because I
do. I know everyone says he didn't love me, but he did, and even if he hurt
me, I miss him. He wasn't always like that, and I was thinking that maybe,
maybe now he can get some help, too, and he can change. Maybe he can come
back, and we'll be together again.  Is it bad to think that, Jack?"

"Lance, I can't answer that for you," I said, swallowing hard.

"But you don't think I should feel that way," he said, shaking his head.

"Lance, I can't tell you how to feel," I said. "I'm not you, but if I was,
I wouldn't want him back. He hurt you, Lance."

"I know," Lance said, nodding. Josh put a hand on his other shoulder,
patting it. "I just, I remember how he was, when we first met, when we went
on the ferris wheel. He wasn't always like this, and I miss him."

"We'll be right here for you, Lance," Josh said.

"I know," Lance said, nodding. "I just can't stop thinking about it."

Before we could say anything else to him we were interrupted by a high
pitched moan from the bedroom. Lance had left the door open, probably so he
could hear if Justin needed him, and we walked over quickly. Justin was
asleep, curled up in a tiny ball, and Josh knelt by the side of the bed as
Lance and I looked on. Justin's eyes were pinched tightly closed, and he
was covered with sweat, his t-shirt wet and sticking to him, his short hair
plastered to his forehead. He was moaning in his sleep.

"No," Justin muttered, his voice tight. "No, no, please, no."

Josh put a hand on his shoulder, and Justin's eyes bulged open as he
skittered back across the bed away from the touch, bleating in fear. Josh
jumped back, surprised and looking a little hurt, as Justin blinked at us.

"Josh?" Justin asked, sliding carefully back over. "Josh, I was, I had this
dream."

"I'm sorry, Justin," Josh said quietly, his hands on the edge of the bed.
Justin's eyes began to water.

"It really happened, didn't it?" Justin asked, remembering again.

"Justin, I'm so sorry," Josh said again, holding out his arms.

Justin slumped into them, sobbing, and Lance and I stepped out of the
bedroom, giving them some privacy. As Lance and I awkwardly poured our
coffee, anxiously watching the bedroom, we saw Josh help Justin out of bed,
whispering quietly to him.  Josh walked Justin on trembling legs to the
bathroom, Justin nodding at both of us as he went by, his eyes impossibly
huge. The two of them vanished behind the closed bathroom door, and then
Josh slid back out.

"Lance, do you have anything he can wear?" Josh asked quietly.

"Yeah," Lance said, heading for the bedroom.

"How is he?" I asked, hugging Josh, silently lending him my support. He
pressed himself gratefully against me, burying his face in my hair for a
second.

"I don't know," he answered. "He's in pain, you know, physical pain, but
mostly he's just hurt inside, Jack, like he's broken. I don't think it ever
occurred to him that things might not turn out the way he planned. I don't
think Justin ever thought he could lose."

"We'll get him through this, Josh," I sighed. Behind us, I heard Lance
opening and closing dresser drawers. "We'll get them both through this, all
of this."

Lance carried a bundle of clothing over to the bathroom, and, knocking
softly, passed them in while I sipped my coffee and Josh put together his
tea. After a few minutes Justin emerged from the bathroom, looking very
pale in a black set of Lance's pajamas, his face washed and still wet, and
the four of us sat down at the table. Lance shocked me by saying grace
before we reached for any of the food, but maybe the three of them needed a
little extra support. I mumbled an amen with the rest of them, and watched
them. We all ate quietly, none of us really knowing what to say to each
other.

"So," Lance sighed finally, looking back and forth between the three of us.

"How about that local sports team?" I asked, smirking. Lance and Justin
offered up the ghost of a smile, and Josh patted my hand.

"How was your trip?" Justin asked quietly, blinking at me. "Is your family
coming to the wedding?"

"Probably not," I answered, shrugging. "They, um, it didn't go really
well."

"I'm sorry," Justin said, looking down at his bagel. "I shouldn't have
asked."

"No, it's ok," I said. "It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry, too," Lance said. "I know, kind of, how you feel. My mom hasn't
really talked to me since I told her about me and Howie. Howie said not to
worry about it, that it didn't matter, but now I don't have him, either."

"You still have us, though," Josh said, patting Lance's hand now.

"I know," Lance said, smiling at Josh. It was a tight, pained smile. "I
just wish things were different."

None of us said anything, letting the silence sit between us, drifting over
us like fog.  Justin glanced at the clock, and then tapped me on the hand.

"Hurry, or you're going to be late," he said quietly.

"Late?" I asked, staring at him.

"For what?" Josh asked, also lost.

"You guys have that final menu tasting in the ballroom," Justin said,
looking surprised as well. The last couple days had driven all thoughts of
the wedding out of my head. I hadn't looked at my schedule, hadn't
consulted my plans.

"Shit, I forgot about that," I said, glancing at Josh.

"Maybe we can call Lisann," Josh suggested. "We could reschedule, or just
tell her to pick whatever she thinks is best."

"I think you should go," Justin said quietly.

"So do I," Lance added. "You guys have been planning this for so long."

"But it doesn't seem so important now," I said, taking Josh's hand. "It
seems so, so petty, to be worrying about flowers and appetizers."

"You guys need us, and that matters more," Josh said, squeezing my hand
tightly. He knew what I was saying, and he agreed.

"No," Justin said, shaking his head. "Go to the menu thing. Lance and I
will be fine."

"We will," Lance agreed, nodding. "Please, go to your appointment. We'll
still be here when you get back."

I glanced at Josh, and could see that he was torn as well.

"Are you sure?" Josh asked.

"You guys will be ok?" I asked, not wanting to abandon them.

"Yes!" Lance snapped.

"Go!" Justin added.

I looked at Josh, catching his blue eyes with mine, seeing everything in
them that I felt, the concern, the conflict, the need to help everyone else
mixed with the desire to take care of ourselves. I meant what I had
said. Everything did seem so petty and meaningless suddenly, my concerns
about the keepsakes being engraved appeared childish next to the ways I
could have spent that time, being there for my friends, noticing more of
what was happening to them and less of what was happening to myself. Josh
looked at me, looked at the two of them, and then looked at the clock,
shrugging. He raised his eyebrows a little, and I nodded, neither of us
actually needing words.

"OK," I said, pulling my chair out.

"But we'll have both of our phones on," Josh said. "Call if you need us."

"Unless you want to come with?" I asked.

"No thanks," Lance said, shaking his head.

"We'll be fine," Justin insisted.

We left the two of them at the cottage, and headed to the ballroom, where
we found Lisann patiently waiting for us, even though we were five minutes
late.

***Justin***

Once Josh and Jack left, Lance and I picked at our food, not really
speaking. I don't know what he was thinking about, but I was thinking about
the shower. I had to wash, to keep myself clean, but I was afraid that it
would hurt. It had hurt so badly last night, when the doctor was checking
me out, and the nurse was cleaning me, that I had wanted to scream.  The
only thing that kept me from breaking down again was Josh being there, and
holding my hand, telling me everything would be ok. The doctor was very
kind, and gentle, but it still felt like being violated all over again, and
I shuddered thinking about it. I hadn't needed any stitches, but I was
supposed to keep clean until everything was healed, and put this cream
on. It was supposed to fight infection, and help me heal. The place on my
shoulder, where Nick bit me, hurt a lot, too, but I hadn't shown that to
the doctors. I was ashamed of that more than anything else, of the fact
that Nick had marked me, like I was his.

More than the physical pain, though, the feeling of everything being sore,
I felt stupid, too. When Jack had first disappeared, I had convinced myself
that Josh was falling for me, because that's how I felt. Every time I
looked at him, I thought he was looking at me the same way, but he hadn't
been. He'd been looking at me like a close friend, but I had made the
mistake of seeing more, because I wanted to. Now I'd made that mistake
again.  I had allowed myself to believe that Nick was my friend, that he
had some sort of feelings for me, even though I knew he didn't care about
anyone. I had made the mistake of thinking that, because I'd never hurt
Nick, he would never hurt me, and that deep down he really did have
feelings after all, because I did.

I was wrong about Nick, but he was right about me. I was trash. All I could
do was hurt other people, even when I wanted to help them. I was a
whore. All I was good for was sex, and Nick had reminded me of that in the
most painful way possible before he walked away, leaving me sobbing and
bleeding on the floor. I had curled myself up, trying to make the pain go
away, trying to forget the feeling of his fingers digging into my wrists as
he held me, trying to forget how helpless I was. He packed up his bag,
stepping over me as if I wasn't there, and then just walked out the door
without saying a word, or even looking back. I didn't want him to. I didn't
want to see his icy blue eyes, so cold, so empty.

"It's ok," Lance said, his hand flicking across my cheek with a tissue,
startling me. I hadn't noticed that my eyes were wet.

"Why do you want me here?" I asked him, suddenly confused.

"Because I care about you," Lance said, shrugging. "I don't want you to be
alone right now."

"But why?" I asked. "I mean, of all people, why you, Lance? Why do you
still care about me at all? All I've ever done is hurt you."

Lance sighed.

"Justin, you did hurt me, and then, last night, you hurt me again," he
said.  I expected him to look away, but instead he tilted my head up gently
with his fingers, making sure I was staring into his pale green eyes. "Last
night, you hurt me to help me. You tried not to, but I wouldn't help
myself. I know that you tried to think of another way, a better way, and
when I think about it, I can tell that even when you took me to your
cottage that you didn't want to do it, that you didn't want to hurt me
again. And it wasn't just you who hurt me. Nick didn't force Howie. He
might have tricked him, might have seduced him, but Howie was willing. I
think, last night, even though you knew it would hurt me, you really
thought it was for the right reasons, and you really wanted to make sure
that I, well, that I was hurt the least amount possible. You took me right
to the others, because you knew they'd be able to help, and then you left
when you thought you weren't wanted, because you didn't want to upset me
more by staying."

"But I still hurt you," I said, shaking my head.

"Because it was all you could do," Lance said. "Even though you knew it
might destroy our friendship, you did it anyway, because it was what you
thought was the best way to help me. I don't like what you did, Justin, but
I understand why you did it."

I took another bite of my bagel, chewing thoughtfully as I turned this over
in my mind.

"That doesn't answer your whole question, though," Lance said. "The other
reason I offered to let you stay here is because of the other time you hurt
me."

I couldn't swallow, suddenly.

"I know that you're sorry about that, and that you wish you hadn't done
it," Lance said, patting my hand to reassure me. "I remember, though, how I
felt when it was over. I remember how everything reminded me of it, and how
it was all I could think about sometimes. I remember how I couldn't let
anyone touch me, how I didn't even want anyone to see me, and how I felt
dirty, all the time. I remember feeling used, and I remember feeling like
trash, worthless, like something nobody cared about. I remember thinking
that I was nothing, and that it was my fault. I remember thinking, too,
that no one else knew how I felt, that I had no one to talk to because no
one else would understand. Is that how you feel, Justin?"

I nodded, my eyes wet again, unable to find my voice.

"I don't want you to feel that way alone, Justin," Lance said, taking my
hand. "I know that JC cares about you, and Jack, and the others, too, but
so do I, and I want to help you if I can. I want to be here for you because
I think, well, in a lot of ways I think I'm the only one of us who
can. Maybe what happened to me isn't exactly what happened to you, but
maybe it's close enough, and if you need me, I don't want to leave you
alone if I can help."

"Lance, I don't, I don't know what to say," I squeaked, holding his hand
tightly. "I mean, I want to say thank you, but I can't believe that you,
that you still want to help me, after everything I've done to you."

"Justin, I know you still feel guilty about what you did to me," Lance
said.  "That's why you can't believe it. But Justin, I forgive you. I did a
while ago. You just need to forgive yourself."

Lance and I leaned awkwardly across the table, hugging each other and
patting each other's shoulders, and then went back to breakfast. When we
finished, Lance put some of the leftovers in his refrigerator, and we
stacked the dishes up on the tray.  We both glanced up at the clock,
realizing that neither of us had showered yet. I didn't even have any
clothes over here, except for the ones I'd worn last night, and I didn't
want to see those again. Lance had given me some of his last night to
change into, and I was wearing his pajamas now, but I needed my own
stuff. I shivered, not wanting to go back to my cottage.

"When do you think Jack and JC will be back?" Lance asked.

"I don't know," I answered, shrugging. "I can't believe we had to
practically push them out the door."

"I know," Lance agreed, smiling. "After the two of them were so gung ho,
and everything was like wedding-wedding-wedding, but it's like now they
aren't even thinking about it at all."

"Well, they're worried about us, and that's probably more important," I
said. I glanced up at Lance, and the idea seemed to hit both of us at
once. "You don't think they."

"If they thought it was for the best," Lance said, eyes wide. "Shit!"

"Call Chris and Joey!" I said, even though I didn't want to talk to either
of them. I walked toward the bedroom, wanting to run, but that would
hurt. "Can I borrow some more clothes?"

"Yeah, yeah," Lance said, rushing for the phone. "We have to stop them."

***Jack***

Josh and I didn't even argue about the food, which surprised Lisann to no
end. She didn't show it, in the same way that she never showed anything,
but her eyebrows were raised as I effortlessly agreed with Josh that caviar
really was an acceptable appetizer, and that we might as well keep the bar
open for the entire reception instead of just for a cocktail hour. Lisann
was writing it all down as Josh and I sat, picking over trays that the
waiters kept bringing, but I could tell that any second she would ask us
about money, since neither one of us had bickered about it.

"This is good," I said, gesturing with my fork. "What is it?"

"I think it has lobster in it," Josh said, shrugging. "You like it?"

"Yeah," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Me too," Josh said. "This is ok, Lisann. We want this one."

"Selection number seven is approved," Lisann said, writing it down. "We
just need one more main course selection, and then dessert. You said before
that you wanted five dessert choices, in addition to cake, so the kitchens
have sent twenty for you to choose from."

"Can't we just offer a selection?" I sighed, resting my forehead on Josh's
shoulder.

"They could bring a tray to everyone's table," Josh said, his arm around my
shoulders, holding me. "People could just pick out what they want."

"I suggested that three weeks ago, and you both said you didn't want anyone
to be unhappy if someone else enjoyed a specific dessert they wanted, which
wasn't on the tray," Lisann said, folding her hands over her clipboard. She
leveled her gaze at both of us. "I can't help but notice that enthusiasm
seems a little down. Is there something you two need to share with your
wedding planner?"

"Lisann, how bad would it be if we, you know, paid everyone off?" I
asked. I couldn't believe the suggestion to throw money at everything was
even coming out of my mouth, but Josh was nodding.

"You don't want to get married?" she asked, swallowing. We'd finally
cracked her composure. I half expected her brain to slide out onto the
floor.

"No, we still want to get married," Josh said, shaking his head. "It's just
that this, all of this stuff, doesn't seem important anymore. I know that
we're under contract, so could we maybe pay for everything, but just, you
know, skip all of this?"

"The tuxedos, the flowers, the camera crew and the microphones, the whole
reception," I said, elaborating on what we wanted to skip.

"What about your guests?" Lisann asked, sounding almost panicked. Her
perfect grammar was vanishing, too. "You have all those people flying
in. What are we going to do with them?"

"We could still pay for their rooms, like we were planning to," Josh said,
shrugging.

"And they'd just all get a nice vacation," I added.

"Lisann, we know you've worked really hard on this with us," Josh began.
"But this, it doesn't feel the same to us, anymore."

"What we're asking is, you know, can you help us, unplan the wedding?" I
finished.  "Can you make it so that we can call off the whole production,
but nobody gets mad?"

"Is this cold feet of some kind?" Lisann asked. "Because I have a speech
for that, too."

"Don't listen to either of them," Chris said loudly from the doorway. Our
heads snapped around as we saw Chris, Joey, Vlada, Justin, and Lance come
walking in together. They surrounded Josh and I, standing behind our
chairs.

"Don't let them cancel anything," Justin said, his hand on Josh's shoulder.

"If they won't pay for it, we will," Lance said.

"Ve vant ze flowers, ze balloons, and all ze rest," Vlada said, holding
Chris's arm.

"What are you guys doing?" Josh asked, looking around at them all,
squeezing my hand.

"I had the same question," Lisann added.

"Lisann, what's going on here is that JC and Jack are feeling selfless,"
Joey said.  "They're worried about the rest of us, and about the group, and
about our friendships, and they're trying to put what they want on the back
burner, because they want to take care of the rest of us."

"You guys, you don't have to do this," I began.

"We want to," Joey said. "You guys try so hard to make us all happy."

"And we want you to be happy," Lance added, nodding.

"But, you guys," Josh began, his eyes watering.

"Josh, we appreciate everything you guys do for us," Justin said, taking
Josh's other hand. "We don't want you to think we're rejecting your help,
or that it doesn't mean anything to us, because it does. It means more than
you know, sometimes."

"And this is how we want to show you," Lance said, kneeling down at my
side.  They had Josh and I trapped between them, and the others were all
hovering. "This is the most important day of your lives, at least, so far,
and we want it to be perfect.  Just this once, please, be selfish."

Josh and I looked at each other, our fingers locked, and I knew he felt
what I did. I felt gratitude surge up into my chest, and looking around at
the guys, I felt love, and strength, and support. I felt family.

"We won't take no for an answer," Chris said, as Vlada shook her head next
to him.

"OK," Josh said, turning to kiss me. I leaned over, feeling his lips press
against mine, and then we smiled at everyone.

"Lisann, the wedding is back on," I said, crushing Josh against me as the
others burst into applause.

"Excellent," she smiled, picking up her clipboard again. "Let's finish
selecting the main course, now, and then move on to dessert."

"We can help with that!" Chris blurted, grabbing for a plate.

Suddenly they were all at the table, trying things, passing the plates to
each other, all shouting things to Lisann at once as she frantically tried
to take notes. I looked at Josh in the middle of this chaos, watching our
friends. Josh smiled at me, I smiled at him, and we knew everything, at
least for now, would be ok.

Until Joey started a food fight in the ballroom.

***

To be concluded.