Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 00:35:56 GMT
From: Jamie Mitchell <just_jamie007@hotmail.com>
Subject: Justin's Journal 4

  This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know
him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as
far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I
hope you enjoy it. Bye now.


   September 11, 1996
I went to a movie tonight with JC and Lance. JC asked last night if I wanted
to see a movie today and at first I thought it was just going to be the two
of us. But it turned out that the whole thing was Lance's idea in the first
place. He had some stuff that he wanted to talk to us about. We saw
Bulletproof, which was really funny, and then afterwards we talked. Well,
actually we listened to Lance talk. He's decided that it's time to come out
to Chris and Joey, too, and he's really nervous about how they'll take it. I
don't think they'll have any problems with it at all and I told Lance so.
He's going to tell them tomorrow. It's kind of strange how things have
changed. I was so used to watching Lance for signs that he was in love with
JC that I kind of stopped seeing him as the person he really is. Once you
get past his shyness, he's a really cool guy to hang out with. He's got a
really great sense of humor but he only seems comfortable sharing it when
he's really close to someone. It's like he's got to trust a person totally
before he'll even open up a little. I guess maybe it's because he's always
had to be careful not to let the wrong people find out he's gay, but it's
probably pretty lonely for him. Once Chris and Joey know the truth, though,
I think things are going to be pretty cool. We won't have any secrets from
each other any more.


   September 12, 1996
Today went well. We had a meeting this afternoon, just the five of us, and
Lance told Joey and Chris he's gay. Joey was really cool about it, I was
surprised. I mean, I didn't think he'd be bothered, but I expected him to be
a little surprised at least! He was just like, Oh, okay. Chris acted more
like I thought he would, he was surprised and I think a little
uncomfortable, but he covered it with jokes in his usual way. Then we all
talked about what it meant for Nsync. Chris pointed out that Lance was
probably going to have to hide this from everyone but us and asked if he was
willing to go through all that loneliness and the pain of never being able
to be with anyone openly. JC pointed out that all five of us were going to
have to go through that anyway, because guys in groups like ours are
supposed to be single no matter what so the fans don't lose interest. Chris
said it would be much worse for Lance, though, since he was really going to
have to pretend to be someone he wasn't. Lance said he'd been doing that all
his life anyway, so this wouldn't be much different. All he really wanted
was to be able to be himself around us so that he wasn't pretending 24/7. We
all told him that was fine, that we were family and he never had to be
anyone but himself around us. I'm really happy that it all turned out well,
but it made me realize just how difficult being gay really must be. No one
would ever choose to go through all of that willingly. It seems funny to me
now that I ever actually believed that it was a choice people made!


   September 23, 1996
JC is on a date tonight. It's with a girl he met a few weeks ago who gave
him her number. I feel like I used to when he and Lance would talk business,
back when I thought Lance liked him, only it's worse. I don't know why I
feel this way. I know that I love JC, but I don't think it's in the same way
that Lance would love a guy. He just means a lot to me, that's all. He's my
best friend. So why do I feel this way? He's out with a girl and I feel like
I want to cry. I keep wondering what they're doing, if he's kissing her, or
if maybe they're even doing more than that! I also feel kind of betrayed,
which is so dumb. I mean, just because I haven't met a girl I'm interested
in yet doesn't mean I should feel like JC shouldn't! I can't wait to go on
tour again, so it's just the five of us together, with no time for dates.


   September 24, 1996
I stayed up last night, waiting for JC to get back from his date. I don't
know why, really. I didn't want to hear about it because I knew it would
make me feel bad, but at the same time I felt like I had to know what had
happened and how he felt about this girl. He didn't get back until a little
after two this morning. I was still awake and I had my door open so he'd
come in and talk. He seemed pretty happy and said he had a nice time. I
tried to play it light and asked if she was a good kisser and he just smiled
and said yeah, she was. I asked if he was going to see her again and he said
he would if there was time before we left for Europe. He was tired, so he
told me good night and went to bed after that. I wanted to know more about
his date, but I couldn't exactly ask what he felt towards this girl, if he
loved her, if he'd slept with her, if she meant something to him. He'd
probably have thought I was crazy or something. I couldn't sleep for a long
time after that, I just kept tossing and turning and thinking about JC and
the girl. It scares me that one little date could affect me this way. What
am I going to do when he finds a steady girlfriend? When he gets married?
Hopefully, though, I'll have found a girl i'm interested in by then and it
won't matter so much to me.


   September 30, 1996
Lance came over to hang out today. We all had the day off and I didn't
really have anything planned, other than some driving practice. JC had some
stuff to take care of, so he wasn't around very much. Lance and I watched
some TV for awhile and then I roped him into playing some b ball, but it's
really not much fun playing him. He's so bad at it that it's like trying to
debate with someone who speaks a different language, there's just not much
point! It was a hot day so we went for a swim and laid out by the pool for
awhile. I felt kind of self conscious at first, because for the first time
since I found out he had that crush on me I was walking around in front of
him without a shirt on. It was weird knowing that he was probably checking
me out or something! But, after a few minutes I forgot all about that. It
was just me hanging out with Lance, no big deal. We talked for a long time
about random stuff, like movies and music. Typical stuff. Then I asked him
how he first knew he was gay. He'd told me before that he'd been falling in
love with guys since he was 13, but I asked him how he knew for the first
time that he liked guys. He said that he couldn't remember one instance
where he just realized he was gay, that it was just a slow process of
figuring it out so that by the time he knew it, he'd already kind of
accepted it. He asked how I knew I'd first liked girls, which kind of
surprised me. I wasn't sure quite what to say, because the truth is that
I've never really been that interested in girls, at least not yet. But I
told him about kissing Britney back in the day. It's kind of funny when I
think about my first kiss and what a mess I made of it! I practically broke
both our noses! Lance about died laughing when I told him that, so I pushed
him into the pool. He's really fun to hang out with. It's like what I used
to have with JC, in  a way. We could just hang out and talk and it was fun.
We still do that but now that I have all these weird feelings for him, it's
not as much fun any more. With Lance, though, i can just relax and not worry
about anything.


   October 5, 1996
Well, we're in Germany again, since this morning. It's always a shock to
come back and find out how many people over here recognize us after being
able to just walk the streets at home and not even get so much as a second
glance. Lance's mom couldn't come this time, thankfully. Poor Lance, it must
be hard having her for a mom! I mean, no matter what, you've got to love
your mother, right? Anyway, it's cool to be back, even though we're going to
be even more rushed this time. I can't believe the schedule they set up for
us for the next few months! It's like they think we're robots or something.
I'm surprised they're even letting us take time out to sleep. Still, I guess
I shouldn't complain. I'm doing what I love, that is what's most important.
Plus, I'm doing it with four really great guys.


   October 17, 1996
It hasn't even been two weeks yet, but it seems like we've already done
months worth of performances and interviews. There's very little time to
even think about anything except what we're doing. I'm asleep as soon as I
hit my bed at night and when I wake up it's off to whatever is scheduled
first, with barely enough time to shower before we go. We're all getting
pretty irritable with each other, too, even more so than we usually do. I
think it's because we're just so tired. I'd kill for a day off, but we don't
even have one in the schedule this month! The best we have is a few
afternoons and some mornings with nothing planned, but that doesn't mean
they won't be filled by the time we get to those days. Still, nothing comes
without hard work, so other than writing this entry to vent I'm not going to
be complaining. The interviews and photo shoots are boring, but the
performances and working in the studio are always less of a job and more of
just getting to do what I love, which is make music.


   October 24, 1996
I don't think I can really deny this any longer. I had a dream last night
about JC and it was the most intense dream I'd ever had. He crawled into bed
with me and started massaging my back and kissing my neck and then I turned
around to face him and we started to kiss. He started to touch me all over
and I said I loved him. That's when I woke up. I can't keep lying to myself
that what I feel for JC is love just because he's my best friend. I love him
that way, yes. But I love him in another way, too, a much different way. I'm
in love with him, I want to be with him, I want to touch him and kiss him
and have him do the same to me. I'm in love with JC. There. I've said it, to
myself anyway. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help it.
What am I going to do? JC and I can't ever be together. I'm not sure if I'm
gay or whatever, but I know he's not. There's no hope in this thing. It's
just going to make me miserable. I wish I could just hit a button and make
these feelings go away! But I can't. I'll just have to find a way to get
passed them. I think the best bet is to just concentrate on Nsync and push
everything else out of my mind. I'm very glad, suddenly, for the busy
schedule we're on!


  Sorry for the delay with this part. Some stuff came up so I didn't have as
much time to work on it as I would have liked. I hope it's not too awful!
you can write me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com