Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2000 00:05:43 GMT
From: Jamie Mitchell <just_jamie007@hotmail.com>
Subject: Justin's Journal 5

  This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know
him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as
far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I
hope you enjoy it. Bye now.


   December 2, 1996
It's been over a month since I last wrote. To be honest I've been avoiding
myself. That probably makes no sense, but it's the truth. I've become kind
of like one of the robots they expect us to be around here. All I do is wake
up, work, and then go to sleep. Oh, I watch movies with the guys and stuff
when we have a break, and I talk to my family back home a lot on the phone.
But basically I've been trying very hard not to think about myself or to
feel anything about anyone. What I wrote about in my last entry, about being
in love with JC, really scared me. It seemed more real than ever once I'd
written it down, once it was no longer just something inside my head. It was
just too real somehow, it said something about me that I was just not ready
to accept. So for the past month or so I've been really focused on not being
that something. See, I can't even say it now, what that something is! It's
too hard for me. The only reason I'm even writing this now, that I'm even
letting myself think about all of this again is because the guys all ganged
up on me today to try and find out what's been wrong with me. I didn't
realize it was so bad that they were all seriously worried about me. They
even thought I might be on drugs because they said I've been so different,
so withdrawn. I told them that I was okay and just had some stuff that I was
trying to work my way through, but I know they're all still worried. I feel
really alone right now, even though I've got these amazing friends who care
about me. I feel alone because I can't talk about this to any of them.

   December 5, 1996
Today was awful. I still can't believe what I did. There are always lots of
girls who come to our shows that make it clear that they're ready to do just
about anything we want them to do. It comes with the territory, I guess.
We've all talked about it before and sometimes if they're old enough and
good looking Joey and Chris with get their numbers and go out on dates with
them. JC has once or twice, too. I've always thought that was stupid because
girls like that don't like us for who we are. They don't even know who we
are! Just because they know our names or read those fan magazines and listen
to us sing doesn't mean they know us. That really worries me sometimes. How
I am supposed to know who likes me for me and who likes me because of Nsync?
Anyway, all that just makes what I did even worse. We did a club opening
tonight and this girl was making it really clear that she liked me. She was
about my age, maybe a little older, and really pretty. Usually I just make
it clear that I'm not interested, but tonight I suddenly thought that maybe
I shouldn't do that. I mean, I want to be like that. I want to like girls. I
want to stop feeling this way about JC. Maybe all it would take would be to
actually be with a girl. Maybe after that all the rest of these feelings
would go away. So I took her out to our bus behind the club. All the rest of
the guys were still in the club, so it just the two of us. My heart was
pounding and I started to sweat because I haven't kissed a girl in a long
time. But I just kept thinking, why not? A normal guy would. A normal guy
would jump at the chance to have all these girls wanting him. So we started
kissing pretty heavily and then she took off her top and I was touching her.
It felt wrong, but I just kept pushing myself forward, making myself go on
because I thought that it would make all the doubts go away. But then she
started to unzip my jeans and I just panicked. I didn't want to be with her.
I didn't want my first time to be with someone I didn't care about. And
worse, I knew that what I was doing was just not right for me. I looked at
her sitting there, half naked, and I didn't feel anything. I was trying to
think of a way to tell her we had to stop, but at about that time Lance came
out to the bus looking for me. I've never been so embarrassed or so relieved
all at once. Poor Lance, he turned bright red when he walked up the steps to
the bus and found me with a topless girl trying to put her hands down my
pants! He apologized and left right away, but it was the excuse I needed to
stop what could have been the biggest mistake of my life. I don't want my
first time to be with some nameless groupie I'll never see again. She was
kind of pissed off, but I got her back into the club and bought her a drink
and then lost her in the crowd. Now we're on our way to the next place on
our agenda and everyone's gone to sleep but me. I apologized to Lance but he
said not to worry about it. I could tell he wanted to say more, though. So I
asked him to be honest if there was something else and he just told me that
he hoped I was being safe. I didn't tell him that nothing happened at all.
In a way I'm almost glad he walked in. It makes me feel almost happy to
think that at least someone is sure that I like women.

   December 8, 1996
Lance has been acting kind of strange since the other day. I catch him
looking at me in this weird way, like he's trying to figure something out
about me or to look inside my head somehow. I'm not sure if it's because he
wants to talk about what he walked in on or if he just feels weird about
walking in on us and isn't sure how to act around me. I don't think he's
told any of the other guys, though. If he had they'd be teasing me like
crazy about it. I can just imagine the sort of jokes Chris and Joey would
make about me 'becoming a man'. If anyone had to walk in on us I'm glad it
was Lance and not one of them! Or JC. That would have been painful somehow.
Still, I don't know if I can take any more of these sideways looks from
Lance! It's really starting to irritate me. Well, we'll be going home for
Christmas soon at least, so I won't have to put up with it much longer.

   December 10, 1996
Well, Lance finally got around to saying what was on his mind. He and I went
to a movie today, just the two of us at his suggestion. He's been really
worried about me. He thinks that me being with that girl had something to do
with the way I've been acting for the past month or so. He's right, of
course, but I can't really tell him why. He knew that I'd never been with
anyone because we'd talked about it before and he also knew how I felt about
the girls who just throw themselves at us, so of course the whole thing
seemed kind of suspicious to him, me suddenly deciding to have sex with a
groupie. I told him the truth, that we didn't actually have sex and that I
wanted my first time to be with someone I was in love with. He said that
that was the first time I've sounded like myself in a long time and then
practically begged me to tell him what's been bothering me. The funny thing
is, I really really wanted to. I almost did. In a way it would have been
such a relief. But I didn't. I can't tell him that I'm worried about not
liking girls or that I have feelings for JC. Telling someone would make it
seem too real. And besides, if Lance thinks that I like guys, he might get
the wrong idea. I don't think he's still interested in me like he used to
be, but I don't know for sure. I like Lance a lot, but he's not JC.

   December 15, 1996
We fly home tomorrow. I really can't wait. I need to get away from all of
this and just be me again, in my own house, in my own room. Sometimes I
worry that the real me doesn't really exist any more, that this celebrity
magazine version of Justin Timberlake is becoming the reality. My family
keeps me real, though. I'll never be anything but me to them and that feels
really good. My real family and my second family, the guys in Nsync, are
really the only people in the world I can count on to like me for who I am.
Who I am. The words look odd to me. Maybe it's because even I don't really
know who I am. I guess in a way even my family and the guys like me for who
they think I am, just like the fans do. They're version of me is just a
little closer to reality, that's all. I'm the only one who knows the real me
and even I can't accept it. What would the others think? I can remember
thinking how lonely Lance must feel because he's gay. At least he can be
honest with himself and with us. I can't even do that.

  December 17, 1996
Home. I somehow thought that walking through the front door would erase the
past few months and make me feel like i used to. How dumb was that? I still
have the same problems, just in a more familiar place. Mom's worried about
me now, too. She says I look like I haven't been getting enough to eat and
that I need more sleep. She's talking about coming over with us again when
we go back, to make sure I'm taking care of myself. We had an interesting
flight back. Lou's other boy group, the Backstreet Boys, were on the same
flight to Orlando, going home for Christmas. We've met them a few times in
Europe and they're usually nice guys. But they can also be really resentful
of us. They think we're a copycat group that Lou's setting up to replace
them, just in case. Lance and I sat next to each other on the flight and
Lance told me that he thinks one of the guys, Nick, is gay. Gay guys always
seem to be able to spot each other somehow, but I can never tell. Nick
looked like an average guy to me, just sitting there playing with a gameboy.
I asked how Lance could tell and he said it's just little things, looks and
gestures, that he kind of recognizes from himself. The whole thing is really
beyond me. But at least for the rest of the flight I got to tease Lance
about having a crush! He's fun to tease, he blushes so easily. I wish I felt
as comfortable with JC these days. The way I feel about him has kind of
ruined our friendship, in a way. I can't ever talk to him and be at ease
like I used to be. Like, when he's talking to me I notice things like the
way his lips move and how soft they are and then I start thinking about
kissing him. Or like this morning, I knocked on his door to get him up for
breakfast and he told me to come in, but when I did he wasn't wearing
anything but his boxer shorts and I got all nervous and probably acted liked
a fool. I miss it just being the two of us hanging out as friends. I'm sure
he still feels that way, but I don't. Being home hasn't solved anything.

  December 24, 1996
I've done a lot of thinking in the past week. Having time alone to myself,
when I can just close the door to my room and be alone, has actually helped
a lot. It sounds strange, but I've had time to really look at who I am.
Until recently, I've never been the type of person to be down about
something. If something bothers me, I deal with it quickly and move on. But
this whole thing has been eating away at me for a long time. And I finally
let myself think about it all, really think about it. Yeah, I'm in love with
JC. Yeah, I am attracted to guys. No, I'm not really into girls and I never
have been. Conclusion? I'm gay. That's the first time I've ever used those
words and it's a little scary, but it's also the truth. I can't change it
any more than I can change my height or skin color. I'm gay. I guess in a
way I've known that for a really long time and just not let myself see it.
And once it started becoming impossible to not see it, I got very scared.
>From now on, though, I'm not going to be scared any more. Lance has kind of
become a role model to me in a way in the past week. I think about him and
how he came out to all of us because he knew that he had to have people he
could be himself with. I really admire that. I'm going to come out to him
first, as soon as he's back here in Florida. After that, though, I'm going
to tell all the guys. I don't want to feel like this is something I have to
hide from the people I care about and I know deep down that they're going to
be fine with it. I feel better tonight than I've felt in a very long time. I
guess it's fitting that it's Christmas Eve.


  I'm really sorry that it's been over a month since I updated the story.
Several things happened in my life that made writing difficult. I hope that
this chapter is at least somewhat worth the wait. you can write to me at
just_jamie007@hotmail.com if you'd like.