Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2001 19:49:57 -0400
From: BJ Gay.com_Member <bjluver@gay.com>
Subject: Lance's Search 30

OK gang, here we go with the big No. 30. For those of you who have been
waiting for the big moment, it's getting closer and closer. What's the big
moment? Stick around. Ohhh, that's evil, isn't it? Anyway, if you've made
it this far, a big thanks for continuing to read my story.

Now for that legal stuff... As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no
actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or
JC Chasez or for that matter anyone else that's famous who might be
appearing in the future. Consequently anything you read in this story is
the product of the mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to
take a realistic look into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he
discovers the pains and the joys associated with loving his fellow
man... or his fellow band mate as the case may be.

If you have any comments, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise,
enjoy the story.

BJ


Previously on Lance's Search...

Lance finally blurted out to JC, "There's something I'd really like to tell
you..."

Ring. Ring. The telephone.

"Hold on, Lance. Let me get this before they hang up," JC said.

"Sure. No problem." But it was a problem. The telephone had interrupted the
big moment, and Lance wasn't sure if he could regain the magic. His spirits
sank. He took another drink of his wine and stared blankly, thinking of
opportunities lost.


Chapter 30

"Sorry about that," JC said as he returned from answering the telephone.

"Anything important?"

"Actually, no. But my answering machine got fried or something last week,
so it's not picking up. So now I can't tell if the call is important or
just an annoying sales call."

"I hear you. I hate those calls, especially the ones that are just
computerized voices."

"Yeah. I gotta get a new answering machine. Just keep forgetting about it
when I'm out. Anyway, before the phone rang you were about to tell me
something, weren't you?"

"Uhhh... yeah. Yeah. I was going to say how great this meal is. Best
lasagna I've had in a long time."

"Thanks, Scoop. Secret family recipe."

Of course, that really wasn't what Lance had planned to say before the
telephone interrupted him. He was going to tell JC that he was in love with
him and wanted to be with him forever. He was going to tell him how much he
pained to touch his body, to connect his lips with JC's, to share every
aspect of his life with the older singer. But that phone call - that
pointless, useless call - changed everything for Lance.

They finished up the meal and cleared the table. Lance offered to help
clean the dishes and the kitchen, but JC said the dishwasher would take
care of most of it and the rest could wait. "Besides, we haven't finished
up the wine yet. Why don't we go back to the living room, watch a movie and
finish off the bottle?"

"Sure. Had any movie in mind?"

"No, let's just see what's on the pay channels tonight. Surely with as much
money as I pay for all those hundreds of channels there will be something
on."

They both collapsed on opposite ends of the couch. In reality, there wasn't
anything that captured the attention of either boy. They flipped through
channels, commented on various shows and sipped more wine. They laughed
about some of the weirder shows and made fun of most of the people on them.

Eventually JC turned off the television, bored with the offerings. The duo
sat there in the glow of the candles. "You feel more like talking about
what happened today now?"

Lance got a pained expression on his face.

"It's cool if you're not. I'm just happy to see you smiling and more
relaxed again."

Lance sat there for a moment thinking. Then he spoke. "Hey, JC. I need your
help with a problem."

"Sure, man. Anything."

"You see, I've got this friend. And well, this friend knows something about
another friend that the other friend might not want others to know about."

"OK. Sounds like a mess."

"Well, you see, this friend of mine wants to tell this guy that he knows,
but he's not really sure how he'll react. He might end up denying it or get
really angry with his friend. But in the end, this friend of mine, all he
really wants to do is tell him that he's really cool with his secret. That
nothing bad will come by his knowing the secret."

"Yeah. How big is this secret?"

"Big. Really big. It might alter his life if a lot of people knew about
it. Maybe make him a target for some people. Could threaten his career."

"And your friend thinks that his friend might hate him for telling him he
knows?"

"Possibly. He's not sure."

"He wouldn't be much of friend it that were the case. Friendship is a
matter of trust. Unless the friend has murdered someone, or something like
that, if they can't trust each other, it's not much of a friendship. You
know?"

"Yeah. Well, we're not talking about a murder or really anything bad. Some
people might think it's bad, but certainly my friend doesn't think
so. Matter of fact, he thinks it's a good thing. Something perhaps the two
share in common, but he just doesn't know how to talk to him about it."

"Well, I guess he could always start up the conversation by saying he has a
friend with a problem."

JC's last statement caught Lance by surprise. He wasn't sure what he meant
by that. If he was nervous before, Lance was ten times more nervous
now. Suddenly, JC turned his body around on the couch so that he was
sitting up facing Lance.

"So, are these friends anyone I know?" JC asked.

Lance stayed slouched on the couch at a right angle to JC. He didn't want
to look directly at him. "Yeah, you do."

"And is one of those people me?"

Lance bit his lower lip and nodded his head up and down to say yes.

"Lance, are you really your friend in this story?"

"Yeah. I guess I am."

"Lance, look at me."

Lance sat up and turned his body around to face JC.

"Man, you know we're friends. I trust you completely. No matter what it is
you have to say, you're not going to lose me as a friend. You need to trust
me on that. OK?"

"Yeah."

"So?"

"It's still hard. ... OK. JC. Josh. I know about you being gay."

"Well, that came as kind of a shock. ... OK. I won't sit here and deny
it. I am. But how is it you know about it."

"Well. I saw you in a gay bar dancing. And I saw you getting picked up by
that escort at the airport."

"Wow. How did you know the guy was an escort?"

"I didn't really know. Let's just say a friend who was with me at the
airport knew."

"I see. Another friend. So, now you know for sure. I am gay. I've known
that for a few years. And I know I've kept it a secret from everyone,
including you guys, but I just thought it was best for the group. I feel
bad that I didn't tell my four closest friends, but it just seemed like the
best thing for all. But ... you're OK with it?"

"Oh, yeah. Very much so."

"And are you?"

"Gay?" Lance paused for a moment. Even JC seemed a bit shocked by the
suddenness of Lance's response. The blond took a deep breath and said
calmly. "Yes."

"Wow. My gaydar really sucks," JC chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess we all have been performers with each other, hiding a bit of
ourselves even from each other. All thinking about it the same way as you."

"So does any of this have anything to do with why you were sitting in your
car this afternoon crying?"

"Well, sort of. I had just done, or almost done, kinda done something I
wasn't proud of, something I had told myself I'd never do in my life. It
hurt me. I was ashamed and sick to my stomach. I'm still ashamed."

"Hey man, whatever has past is in the past now. Learn from your mistakes
and move on. That's all you can do and it's a lot better than beating
yourself up over and over again. Trust me, I've done a number of stupid
things in my life I wished I hadn't, but I can't change what has already
happened. I just keep on searching for the right thing for me, hoping that
whenever that right thing is in front of me I'll recognize it instead of
continuing the search."

JC's words about being on a search struck a cord with Lance. He too had
been on a search for these past months. Could it be that both of their
searches had led up to this moment? Should he take the next step now? Was
the potential gain worth the risk involved? Lance decided it was.

"JC. There's something else I really should tell you."

To be continued...