Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2001 17:23:31 +0000 From: Elly Iles <uptowngurrl@hotmail.com> Subject: From The Heart - 1 Woo-hoo, I'm finally back! After months in development hell, I am now ready to start posting chapters of From The Heart, the sequel to Little White Lies. First of all, if you haven't read LWL, go back now and get to work. Hell, you might even enjoy it. I guess this story will make sense if you haven't read LWL, but you won't get nearly so much out of it. It's okay, I'll wait... <A few hours later...> Now, are we all sitting comfortably? A few things I have to clear up first. To start with, this story is going to be a hell of a lot darker than LWL. You'll realise that by the end of this chapter. I'm not pulling any punches here; this story will get pretty intense (although still no explicit sex scenes, I'm afraid.) Secondly, I better explain the structure. All the odd numbered chapters (1, 3, 5 etc) will be entitled 'Now'. The 'Now' chapters take place just over one year from the ending of LWL. All the even chapters (2, 4, 6, 8) will be entitled 'Then', and take place approximately four weeks after the ending to LWL. Don't worry, it sounds more confusing than it is. Just remember the time frame, or you're really gonna get lost! There's a certain storyline in this that just couldn't have happened in real life (you'll find out what by the end of this chapter) because of the time that this story is set (around the time that the boys were working on Millennium). That kind of makes this story an AU. But I don't want anyone e-mailing me complaining about it being unrealistic. That's just the way the story is. I'm using poetic licence. I hope. Remember, I thrive on feedback. It's what I live for. Please, please, please, please send me your opinions. I'll love your forever and ever if you do. Now, enough chit-chat. You've all waited long enough! I just wanna give a big thank you to Nike, NC Fan and Dara Lynn. Without your advice, guys, I'd probably still be agonising over the details! Disclaimer: Nope, I don't know the Backstreet Boys, and I definitely don't own them. I don't know anything about their sexualities, and I don't pretend to, either. This story is pure fiction, from the mind of a bored teenage girl. This is FICTION. I'm not making any money out of this, so please don't sue me. ************************************************************************** Chapter 1 Now... There might have been a time in Kevin's life when he didn't want to destroy everything around him. There might have been a time when he didn't wake up every morning with that awful feeling of nausea creeping up in his stomach as he realised that his life was still the same as it was the day before. And there might even have been a time in his life when he could love without feeling guilt. But if his life ever had been that good, he sure as hell couldn't remember when exactly. The truth was, Kevin concluded, he'd never been stable. He'd always wanted more than he was allowed. The grass was always greener, the other guy always more attractive. That's how it was, that's how it was fated to be. He couldn't do anything more about it. The morning after he had slept with Nick for the first time, he'd stared at him for over two hours, taking in every beautiful curve, every strand of hair, every breath from Nick's mouth. He'd run his large hand down Nick's beautiful face and planted soft butterfly kisses on his neck, wishing so hard that this angel would always be his. And for those few short hours he had been. He'd slept in Kevin's arms all night, and when he woke up to see Kevin staring at him he'd smiled softly, and hadn't tried to pull away. After Kevin had slept with AJ for the first time, he hadn't taken the younger man in his arms. He'd whispered 'Thank you' and then turned over, falling asleep after a few troubled hours, in which he had felt AJ's confused eyes bearing into his back. The next morning, he still couldn't bear to look at him. He'd climbed out of the bed silently and gone to the kitchen to make some strong coffee. And it had been like that every single time since. Sometimes, AJ would cry himself to sleep as silently as he could, but still loud enough for Kevin to hear. One time, he had whispered softly 'I thought you loved me.' But Kevin pretended he was asleep, his breathing exaggerated as he squeezed his eyes shut and urged himself not to start shaking. I thought you loved me. That sentence had gone round and round in Kevin's head until the words no longer meant anything. 'I thought I loved you too', Kevin wanted to reply. 'I thought I still did.' But how could he tell that to the one man brave enough to fall in love with him? How did you tell someone that they would always be second best, no matter how much you wanted it to change? No words could describe what Kevin felt towards AJ. Kevin knew how he had felt, how he still felt despite everything, about Nick. Nick was his first desire, his first choice, and his first love. AJ was none of those things. He was Kevin's fallback guy, someone that Kevin had to try to resign himself to spending the rest of his life with. Kevin sometimes forced himself to look at AJ when he was sleeping, but he felt empty when he did so. He loved AJ because AJ loved him. He loved AJ because he hadn't rejected Kevin when everyone else had wished him dead. He loved AJ because AJ would always be committed to him. But he couldn't love AJ for being AJ. He couldn't love AJ, because AJ wasn't Nick. Kevin couldn't listen to 'Back to your Heart' anymore. He'd written that song in a moment of sheer panic. He couldn't face being alone anymore, and he'd fooled himself into thinking that AJ would be better for him than Nick. Yes, the words had come from the heart. Yes, the words were all for AJ, and nobody else. But the words left him cold now, and he wished he had never put the pen to paper. It was better, in the long run, to love Nick all his life, even though he knew that nothing could ever become of it, not then, and especially not anymore. At least he wasn't hurting anybody but himself. He should never have declared his love to AJ. It would have hurt him at first, but at least he would have accepted it eventually. Now, Kevin's lie was killing both himself and AJ, but neither of them could admit it to each other. They simply lived together in a haze of misery, that neither of them knew how to break. If only Nick hadn't told him what he did, a year ago to the day. 'I wasn't lying when I said I thought I could learn to love you.' Why hadn't he just rejected Kevin, told him how much the older man had hurt him, told him he'd wanted nothing more to do with him? Why did he have to say that? Why did he continue to haunt Kevin's dreams with that beautiful smile and those shining blue eyes? Kevin would ask himself those questions forever. But most of all, he wanted one question answered more than anything else. Why had Nick decided there was no other option but to take his own life? *************************************************************************** AN: I'm a shit, aren't I? Don't worry, everything will be explained. And Nick *will* be in the story. Remember the time structure? I'm too big a Nick fan not to have him in the story!