Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001 20:47:40 +0000
From: Elly Iles <uptowngurrl@hotmail.com>
Subject: Little White Lies: From The Heart - 3

Sorry I've been a while with this one.  I kept meaning to send it out, and
it kept slipping my mind.  Remember, this is a 'Now' chapter, which means
it's taking place a year after the end of Little White Lies.  And if you
still haven't read that, go here:

www.angelfire.com/boybands/othersidefanfiction/slash.html

Remember to send me feedback!  I live for it!

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't know the Backstreet Boys, and I definitely don't
own them.  I don't know anything about their sexualities, and I don't
pretend to, either.  This story is pure fiction, from the mind of a bored
teenage girl.  This is FICTION.  I'm not making any money out of this, so
please don't sue me.

Chapter 3

Now...

Brian Litrell gazed despondently at the clock on the wall.  Twelve minutes
past midday.  He had awoken two hours ago, and the minutes were already
dragging by, the loud second hand going by at an abnormally slow speed.
Some days, he just counted minutes from the warmth of his own bed, from ten
in the morning until twelve at night.  On those days, it was an effort to
get up to use the bathroom and later, when he tried to sleep, it was in
short sharp bursts that did little to keep him sane.  Today was going to be
one of those days, he decided.  What was the point of getting up and
dressing only to remain in the house?  Why should he venture outside to see
people staring at him, pointing, and whispering indiscreetly as they went
about their stupid little lives?  Why put himself through that misery?
Pointless; all of it was pointless.

Nick had been dead for a year now, but every time Brian thought about it he
still broke down in tears.  One year, and he hadn't got past the crying
stage yet.
  He knew deep down that he would never, ever recover from the trauma, but
he hadn't expected the pain to be this great for such a long period of
time.  One year, and it hurt to think about it so much it might as well
have been yesterday.  Brian closed his eyes, the tears streaming down his
cheeks as he remembered finding Nick that night.  Walking into the very
room he was in, looking over to the very bed he was laying on now, seeing
Nick sprawled out across it, his beautiful face deathly pale, and his left
hand loosely gripping an empty pill bottle.  Brian choked back the tears as
he remembered that awful moment, but it did nothing to stop the flow.  He
was living in a kind of limbo that he desperately wanted to break free
from, but at the same time he felt oddly secure living like this.  No
responsibilities, no hassles, minimal human contact.  Just him, on his own,
with his wretched memories to keep him company.

He hadn't slept last night, or the previous night, and had only managed two
hours the night before that.  His eyelids were heavy, and he soon realised
the clock was drifting out of focus as his breathing began to grow heavier.
He had desperately invited a good night's sleep for so long he had
forgotten what it actually felt like, but every time he drifted off, he
started to panic.  Maybe there would be no panicking this time.  Maybe.

"Brian!"  He heard someone rudely shouting his name.  His eyes snapped open
and he gradually focused on an angry looking Latino man standing at the end
of his bed.

"Move a sec, Howie."  Brian gestured for him to move to one side.  Howie,
thoroughly confused, but taking it in his stride, took a couple of steps to
the left to reveal the clock.  Half past one.  So he'd got an hours worth.
It was better than nothing.

"Brian, this has gotta stop."  Howie sighed.  "You can't live like this.
When was the last time you left this room?  It stinks in here."  He
purposefully walked over to the window and sharply drew back the dark
curtain.  Light flooded in, and Brian scrunched up his eyes, unused to this
sense.  Opening the window, Howie turned back to Brian and shook his head
regretfully.

"Don't look at me like that."  Brian told him angrily.  "I don't need your
pity.  And I definitely don't need your company."

"I'm trying to help you."  Howie told him.  "You're falling apart, Brian.
I'm not going to let you go the same way Nick did."

Brian recoiled at his friend's words.  This whole year people had avoided
the subject of Nick like the plague.  And here Howie was, actually talking
about his death.  How dare he?

"Look, if you've come round to lecture me than you can fuck off."  Brian
shouted.  "I don't know why you keep bothering, to tell you the truth.  I
don't want to be a normal guy again, Howie.  I just want to lay here and
remember a time in my life when I was actually happy.  Is that okay with
you?"

"No, it is not okay."  Howie's dark brown eyes narrowed.  "It's less than
not okay.  I'm not going to stand by and watch you slowly fade away.  I'm
your friend, Brian, and it's not in my nature to let you do this."

"Howie, the one good thing in my life has gone.  I have no reason to get
up, no reason to leave this house, and no reason to be sociable.  If I
can't have Nick in real life, let me have him up here."  He pointed to his
head.  Howie sighed before sitting down next to him on the bed.

"We all died a little when Nick did."  Howie told him.  "You're not the
only one hurting, Brian, we all are. We all loved him more than anything,
and what ever pushed him to killing himself couldn't have been reason
enough to justify it.  But we have to get on with our lives, if not for our
sake than for his."

"I can't, Howie."  Brian confessed, and he felt the tears start to well up
again.  "You don't understand what it's like, you didn't love him like I
did."

"Maybe not."  Howie sighed, "But I know what it's like to realise that
you're never going to be with the one you love."  He held Brian's gaze as
Brian looked at him in confusion.

"Who, Howie?"  He asked.

"Wake up, Brian."  Howie sighed.  His eyes squeezed together as he too
started to cry.  Brian shook his head in bewilderment.

"I don't know."  He admitted.  "Just tell me who it is.  Is it someone I
know?"

"Yeah."  Howie nodded, smiling wryly.  "You know him very well."

"Him?  It's a man?  But I thought you were straight."

"Does it matter?"  Howie shrugged.  "It's not as if I've ever spoken about
it.  Of course I denied it when people implied it, but that was strictly
for the band's benefit."

"So is it one of the group?  Kevin, or AJ?  Was it Nick?"  Brian looked
intently at him.  "Who the hell is it, Howie?"

"It's you, Brian.  It's always been you."  Howie shouted, finally giving
in.
  "Ever since the beginning it was you.  And now I have to sit here and
watch you fall apart, and it's hurting me so much that I cry myself to
sleep at night."

"Why did you never say?"  Brian whispered.  He couldn't believe that Howie
was telling him this.  Howie, who was meant to be the only straight one
left out of the original five.  Howie, who had always been a mystery to
him.  Howie.  He couldn't comprehend it.

"Cos I could see how much you wanted Nick, and I could see how happy you
were when you finally got together.  I loved you in the way one of our fans
would; wanting you so bad, but at the same time realising nothing was ever
going to happen between us.  It hurt to see you with Nick, but at the same
time it made me feel so good, because you had this pure love for him that
went beyond anything I could ever produce."  He sighed.  "Yeah, I loved you
Brian, and I still do.  But what you felt for Nick was something completely
different, and I didn't want to spoil things by saying anything."  He shook
his head.  "Not that I needed to bother.  Kevin did a pretty good job of
mucking things up."

"This is so weird."  Brian said.  "Just over a year ago, I thought I was
the only gay one in the band.  We were perfect strangers to each other for
all those years."

"We still are."  Howie whispered sadly, and Brian knew exactly what he
meant.  The last time they had been together was about two weeks after
Nick's death.  A press conference, to confirm they were splitting up.  What
a way to go.

"Maybe I have still got a chance to be happy."  Brian murmured.  He looked
up into Howie's brown eyes and saw nothing but love in them.  How could he
have been so blind?

"I know you're not ready for a relationship yet."  Howie told him.  "Maybe
you never will, with me at least.  But maybe someday you'll think about me
and decide that I wasn't so unattractive after all."

"You're not unattractive, Howie."

"AJ thinks so."

"AJ's in love with Kevin.  I wouldn't worry about his opinion."  Brian
reassured him.

Howie dried his eyes and looked at Brian.  Brian realised, with startling
clarity that he really had never thought of Howie as unattractive.  Sweet,
yes, and even cute to a certain point.  He wasn't Nick, but then who was?

For reasons unknown to him, he suddenly lent forward and planted a soft,
but lingering kiss on Howie's lips.  He didn't regret it as he pulled away.
He had to start this healing process somewhere, and Howie was willing to
provide that opportunity.

"What was that for?"  Howie looked at him, shocked.

"I'm gonna get better, Howie.  And you're gonna help me."  He told him.
Howie smiled and stood up.

"Fine, well if I'm gonna help you, then you're gonna have to do as you're
told.  You're going to get up and showered, and dressed in something
half-decent.  After that, we're going to go out for something to eat.
Sound like a plan?"

Brian hesitated.  It sounded so simple coming from Howie's mouth, but Brian
didn't know if he could deal with it.  If he walked out of the house with
Howie, it would be like he was resigning himself to trying to recover.  Did
he want to recover?
  Did he want to get over Nick?  No matter how many times people said to
him 'Nick wouldn't want you to be like this', he still couldn't help but
feel guilty every time he found himself enjoying something, every time he
wasn't thinking about Nick.

But after this new confession from Howie, Brian began to feel slightly more
optimistic about the future.  Just because Howie had told him he was in
love with him, it didn't mean they had to act on it straight away.  They
could enjoy friendship for a while, and see where it led, couldn't they?
And he knew, deep down, that Nick would have approved of it.  Nick wasn't
selfish enough to want Brian to resign himself to a life of solitude.
Brian had to do this, for the sake of everyone he cared about.

"Fine."  He smiled at Howie.  "Go wait downstairs.  I'll be ten minutes."