Date: Sun, 01 Oct 2000 18:43:36 GMT
From: Elly Iles <uptowngurrl@hotmail.com>
Subject: Little White Lies - 8

Chapter 8

Kevin shut the door of his house, and sighed with relief as he looked
round.
  It was strange how if you hadn't seen your house for a few weeks, all the
colours seemed to jump out at you as you looked round. Colours aside,
however, he had never been so glad to see the inside of a house before.
He'd somehow managed to survive that awful tour, and now the next few weeks
should be a breeze.  A couple of publicity stints, and formulating ideas
for the new album.  Hell, he might even manage to fit in an appearance with
his family.  Wouldn't that be something?

The first place he went was his bedroom.  He'd missed the privacy that
having your own room brought, and Brian wasn't exactly the most ideal
roommate.  For a start, he was damn untidy, and secondly, every time Kevin
looked at him, he felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt wash over himself.

Kevin walked over to the double bed and lay down, fully clothed.  Kicking
off his shoes, and making a mental note to tidy them up later, he shut his
eyes and thought about everything that had happened on this tour.
Actually, not much had happened after Nick's revelation.  Kevin expected
things to get painstakingly uncomfortable after he'd admitted to Nick that
he loved him, but Nick had been great.  There was an understanding between
them now, that Kevin hadn't expected.  It didn't stop Nick thinking about
Brian, however, and Kevin told himself he had to accept that.  Kevin's
deceitful actions never played on his mind too greatly during the day.  It
was actually extremely easy to forget that he was keeping two people
hopelessly in love with each other apart.  But at night, he would lay awake
wondering how he could be so heartless.  Then he would think of Nick's
beautiful smile, and crystal blue eyes and know.  How twisted was that?

***

When you look into a mirror for too long, you start to see someone
different, someone you didn't recognise.  Nick stared at himself and
wondered if this was what people saw when they looked at him.  He hated his
face, and would constantly wonder why so many girls seemed to love it so
much.  His smile, his cheekbones, it just looked all wrong.  His eyes were
the only feature he didn't mind too much, but even they were usually
inexpressive.

"What does Kevin see that Brian doesn't?"  He asked under his breath.  How
could one person be capable of loving him that much, while another person
would never notice him as anything more than a friend.  Because Brian isn't
gay, Nick answered himself inwardly.  And even if he was, he still
wouldn't.  Because someone can't love me like that.  Apart from Kevin.

Apart from Kevin.  The words played in his mind, and he tried to picture
him and Kevin together.  Nick had imagined himself with all of his
band-members in the past, but Kevin was one he'd always remained perplexed
about.  Sure, once you got past the brows he was good-looking, but looks
aside, Nick couldn't imagine him in a sexual way.  There was no chemistry,
no spark.  Nick had always trusted Kevin, looked to him for advice, and in
a way he had become a surrogate older brother, something that Nick had
never had.  But love in a sexual sense?  It wasn't altogether impossible,
but it didn't seem right thinking about it.  But Kevin had been.  Had been
for a couple of years now, he'd confessed.  A couple of years.  How could
anyone have loved me for that long, Nick wondered.  What is there to love?
Someone like Brian, Nick would remain devoted to for the rest of his life.
Because Brian was so easy to fall in love with.  But as Nick looked in the
mirror, he failed to see how someone could be capable of loving him.  As
the tears that had become a daily occurrence now rolled down his cheeks, he
turned away and flung himself onto his bed.  All he wanted was love.  He
just wished it was with the person he couldn't have.

He was so lost in his silent tears, he didn't notice his cell phone ringing
until his disgruntled sister who was trying to sleep in the next room
shouted at him to answer it.  Blinking, he reached over into his bed-side
cabinet and pulled it out of the open drawer.  Sighing, he saw it was Brian
calling from his home.

"Hey Bri."  Nick answered the phone.

"Hi Nicky."  Brian answered back.  There was a pause.  Nick took it as a
sign to speak again.

"Um, is something up?"  He asked.

"No, no.  Course not."  Brian protested.

"Then, um, why'd ya ring?"

"Oh right."  He heard Brian take a breath, and wondered what the hell was
going on.  "I just wanted to, like, apologise for acting like such a
dickhead on this tour."

"Bit late now."  Nick said softly.  He didn't care if he was being
immature, Brian had really upset him.  The whole room-swapping thing hadn't
been too bad, but Brian had barely spoken to him after it happened.

"Nicky, don't be like that.  I'm really sorry, I swear."

"Brian, I don't know what I did wrong, but you were a total bastard that
whole tour.  None of us wanted to do it, but that didn't mean you had to
take it out on me."  Nick's voice rose.

"It wasn't like that."  Brian stated miserably.  "I didn't mean to, I just
didn't think."

"I noticed."  Nick laughed wryly.  He was reminded of the sleepless nights
that tour had brought, laying awake wondering, crying, asking.  None of it
had made a difference, and every day he had to wake up and face a
non-syllabic Brian.  It had been pure hell.

"Okay Nick, fuck this."  Brian retorted nastily.  "I'm not gonna grovel to
a whiny little brat."

"Well fuck you too."  Nick's tears caught in his throat.  "It was your
fault, not mine."

"Oh yeah, it's always someone else's fault."  Brian sneered.  "Just cos you
can't open those eyes wide enough to see what's happening around you.  Grow
up Nick.  You can't be a baby all your life."  And with that he hung up.
Nick stared at the cell phone, angry tears rolling down his eyes, quickly
turning to tears of despair.  He couldn't take this anymore, he really
couldn't.  Standing up, he grabbed his coat and ran out of his room, down
the stairs and out of the house, ignoring the questioning shouts from his
mum and dad.  It was pouring with rain outside, and as it ran down Nick's
face he looked up to the heavens, hoping it would wash away the dirt that
clung to him like the plague.

***

Kevin rolled over in his bed and groaned as he heard the distinctive sound
of his doorbell ringing.  Maybe they'll go away, he thought to himself, but
the ringing grew more persistent the longer he left it.  Finally he got up,
switching on the lamp by his bed and trampled slowly out of the room,
opening the front door.  On the other side, Nick stood.  He was absolutely
soaked, and his eyes were red with crying, but to Kevin he had never looked
so beautiful.

"Nick."  He said, with amazement.  "What the hell are you doing here?
You're soaked."

"Yeah, that's what happens when you walk five miles in the pouring rain."
Nick answered.  "Can I come in?"

"Of course."  Kevin led him in.  He was shivering, and his lips had a blue
tinge to them.

"I'm sorry."  Nick said when they were standing in the hallway.  "I didn't
have anywhere else to go."

"Shhh, it's okay."  Kevin assured him.  "But what happened?"

"Me and Brian had an argument."  Nick sighed.

"Well, forget about it for now.  Let's get you out of those clothes."
Kevin led him to the bedroom and hunted about for some dry clothes.  He
handed them to Nick, who coughed uncomfortably.  Kevin took the hint.
"I'll get out of here, sorry."  He apologised.  "Let me just get you a
towel."

***

"Okay."  Nick walked into the living room, where Kevin was sat,
half-watching the T.V, half wondering what the hell was happening.  "Thanks
for the clothes."

"It's okay."  Kevin smiled at him.  Nick sat down in the chair facing him.
"Does your mum know you're here?"

"No."  Nick shook his head.  "But I don't care.  I'm old enough to go off
occasionally without telling her."

"Fine, but don't blame me if she calls all angry and demands you come
home."

"She won't."  Nick assured him.  He shivered and rubbed his arms.

"You still cold?"

"I'm okay."  Nick shook his head.

"Was the argument bad?"  Kevin asked.  He wished he didn't have to ask, but
it would look strange if he didn't.

"Not especially, but bad for us."  Nick's eyes glazed over.  "Why does it
have to be like this?"

"I don't know Nicky."  Kevin whispered.  He walked over to where Nick was
sat and crouched down beside him, putting his arm round him.  Nick leaned
against him, nestling his head in Kevin's chest.  It felt so right, so
perfect, Kevin thought he would die from sheer happiness.

"I wanna love you so much, Kevin."  Nick whispered.

"Maybe you could, in time."  Kevin swallowed.

"Do you think?"

"Yeah, I do."  Kevin nodded.  Nick pulled away slightly and turned round to
look at him.

"I do too."  Nick shut his eyes and leaned in.  Kevin responded instantly,
and pressed his lips against Nick's.  They kissed for over two minutes,
until Nick pulled away, shaking his head.

"What?"  Kevin asked.

"I can't.  I can't do it to you, it isn't fair."

"Nick, I love you."  Kevin told him.  "I've dreamed about this moment for
so long, so hard."

"But I love Brian."  Nick sobbed.

"I'll make it all okay."  Kevin told him.  "I want you and me, it's a
possibility.  You and Brian aren't."

"I wanted him to be my first."  Nick whispered.  "But he never will be,
will he?"

"I don't think so."  Kevin shook his head.

"Be mine then, Kevin.  Be my first."  Nick swallowed.  "Tonight."

"Are you sure?"  Kevin asked, scarcely wanting to believe it.

"Yes."  Nick nodded.  "I want someone to love me.  You love me, don't you?"

"Nick, every time I see you I fall in love again."  Kevin told him, and it
was true.  Every time he looked at Nick he could feel himself falling
deeper.

"Then I'm ready."  Nick smiled through his tears.  "Cos I'm sure that's the
most romantic thing anyone's ever gonna say to me."  They kissed again, and
this time it was more passionate, more desperate.  As Kevin's hands
travelled over Nick's body, as he pulled Nick's t-shirt over his head, he
felt completely content for the first time in years.


Woe, Kevin finally got some!!!  Well, it should keep all the Kevin and Nick
fans happy, I suppose.  But let me warn you, his actions are gonna have
serious consequences.  You thought this story was depressing so far?  You
ain't seen nothing yet!