Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 15:35:23 +0800
From: Snow C <iefour@hotmail.com>
Subject: Gay/ Celebrities/Boybands/The Masks That We Wear [3-4/?]

Disclaimer: *N Sync not mine. Plot's mine though. This does not imply
anything about the true sexual preferences of the guys.
Note: This takes place after * the * lawsuit and before the NSA came out.
I'm assuming that the guys have their own apartment in Orlando. Justin lives
with his mom.*** the voice***  and [character thoughts].

All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com <mailto:iefour@hotmail.com> and
visit my site at <http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html>
=================================

The Masks That We Wear

Previously in Chapter 2...

"Lance, what...what are you doing?" Joey asked in a muffled tone.

"Sleeping. G' Night, Joey." Lance replied, yawning.

"But...but..."

"G' Night, Joey."

" Scoop, you're in the wrong bed and..."

"G' Night, Joey."

"It's too small for the both of us. One of us is going to fall..."

"G' Night, Joey."

"You are a stubborn, mule-headed person. I can't believe that you are..."

"G' Night, Joey."

"Fuck off."

" Well, same to you. G' Night, Joey."

"Damn."

*****************************

Chapter 3

Joey hadn't expected himself to fall asleep so soon after Lance joined him
on the small bed. It was uncomfortable at first. However, he quickly got
used to having Lance sleeping on the same bed as him. Joey starting thinking
of the other times when he had slept in the same bed with the other guys on
the tour bus and hotel rooms when there was no space. He gave a silly grin
as he remembered how Justin drooled on one of his shirt.

And there was that time when JC started singing " I Want You Back" in his
sleep. Chris had scared the shit out of him when he started sleepwalking.
Chris had gone out of the hotel room and strolled up and down the corridor
before returning back as though nothing happened. Joey realized that he had
never shared a bed with Lance before. It was the last thought on Joey's mind
before he drifted off into a deep sleep, undisturbed by any monsters or
demons for the first time in months.

****************************

Screech!

"Ouch! Damn it! " Joey cursed as he stubbed his toe against the chair again.
He landed in the guilty chair and examined his bruised toe. He hoped he
didn't wake Lance up. On second thoughts, he hoped to wake Lance up.
Especially since the blond was sleeping so peacefully in his bed. Joey
groaned a little louder, allowing himself a small, satisfied grin as Lance
threw a pillow over his head in an attempt to tune out the noise. Joey
decided to go to the bathroom and got up from the chair. He barely took a
step when he hit the chair again.

Screech!

"OUCH! Shit! Not again! Stupid, moronic, damn chair......"

"Morning, Joey. Had a good night's rest?" Lance managed to sound cheerful
despite the aching in his back and the ungodly hour of the morning. It was
seven o'clock. Lance suppressed a yawn as he stretched out on Joey's bed.
The older man was sitting in a chair near the bathroom and glowering at him
while holding on to his left foot.

"No. You occupied the whole of my bed after I rolled off onto the floor. I
decided to sleep in your bed but couldn't go back to sleep." Joey gritted
out through his teeth.

" I'm sorry, Joey. I just thought that...never mind." Joey felt a twinge when
he saw Lance's guilty look. Truth be told, until he had rolled off the bed
himself, he had been sleeping quite soundly.

"It's okay. I'm just not in good mood." He had thought Lance would be the
least trouble of the lot when he wanted to have some company on his short
getaway from the demands of the real world and from it. Joey had actually
sat down and made a list of pros and cons as to why he should not take the
four of them.

If Chris came along, he would probably use his psychological training to
decipher his behavior and do all sorts of weird quizzes on him. If Justin
came along, chances were they would never get away from the mob of fans that
seem to have an accurate Justin-radar, not to forget that Justin was too
inquisitive. JC would do his I-am-always-here-if-you-need-to-talk routine,
hounding him until he either talked or jumped off the ship. Lance seemed the
one who was the least possible to bother him.

Joey had figured that Lance would sense something was wrong but not take
action to do anything. Turned out that Lance was the most difficult of the
lot. Joey had forgotten how stubborn the easy-going man could be when he
wanted to. Then again, he rarely saw that stubborn, determined,
I-am-sticking-to-my-guns-no-matter-what attitude from the blond. [That's
because he usually gets his way through other means like being nice and
reasonable.] Joey slowly covered his eyes with his hands, shaking his head
in disbelief over his bad choice.

"Um...Joey? Are you feeling alright? I mean, do you want to talk about it?"

"Argh......" Joey sprang up from the chair, stalked to the bathroom and slammed
the door.

[Okay, that was weird.] Lance thought to himself as he tried to listen to
what was going on in the bathroom. He was rather surprised when Joey came
out half an hour later with a goofy smile pasted to his face. " So, Lance my
friend. You wanna go check out the pool for girls after breakfast? "

"Uh...I was thinking we could spend some time together. Alone. With no girls.
You know have a heart-to-heart talk since we've never done that before. I
mean I'm not really that close to you and I see this as a chance to get to
know each other better. Not that I don't know you well enough but I figured
that we could build a closer bond or something and perhaps......"

"You're babbling again." Joey interrupted before Lance turned blue from the
lack of oxygen. " I'm starving, Scoop. Go wash up and we'll go for
breakfast."

"Sure." Lance answered, picking up some clothes and entered the bathroom. It
was in the middle of his shower when it hit him. Joey never said anything
about whether he was okay with the talk. He was avoiding the subject.
[That's okay. I can try again later.]

**********************************

They had spent the whole day doing nothing in general. Lance had done a bit
of shopping for souvenirs for the rest of the guys. They went to the arcade,
had lunch, gone for an afternoon swim and were now relaxing at the pool.
Rather, Happy-Joey was relaxing at the pool while Lance was trying to have a
serious conversation with Joey.

Instead of talking when they got to the pool on the deck, Joey had launched
into flirt mode. It seemed normal enough. Joey checking out girls just like
he used to but Lance could feel that this was just an act. It seemed so
mechanical, like Joey was acting on autopilot. "Joey, about that talk I
was......"

"Whoa. Six o'clock. That redhead in the red bikini. Check out her butt, man.
I'll give her a seven point five. How about you Scoop? "

" Not interested. Umm......about..."

"Ooh la la. Tyra Banks look-a-like at seven o'clock walking in our
direction. Here she comes. Hello, gorgeous." Happy-Joey greeted the girl as
she sashayed past them. She winked at Happy-Joey who gave a thumbs-up sign
to a broody Lance. " Joey, can we talk for a sec....."

" Hello, you two." The Tyra Banks look-a-like had sashayed back to the pair.
Lance did not reply, hoping that the girl would take the hint and leave.
Instead, she sat down on the pool chair next to Joey. " I'm Yasmine."

"Hi, Yasmine. I'm Joey and he's......"

"So not interested. I'm sorry for being rude but I have to leave. I'm going
to watch a movie, Joey.    Have fun staying here all alone." Both Joey and
Yasmine stared at the younger man as he stalked off.

Happy-Joey took over, apologizing to the annoyed girl while suppressing the
urge to chase after Lance. He managed to not give into his urge quite
successfully until the girl started hinting at them going back to her cabin
and have a nice chat in private. Joey quickly declined and took off, looking
for Lance.

He found Lance sitting in one of the two small-sized movie theatres watching
" The Mask Of Zorro". He quietly moved into the seat next to Lance, thankful
for the lack of audience. There was only another couple besides them and
they were sitting right at the back, making out. Lance didn't acknowledge
his presence. Joey managed to pay attention to the movie until Antonio
Banderas started dancing with Catherine Zeta Jones onscreen.

"I'm sorry about just now." Joey whispered.

"Shh......did you see how hot she is, dancing with Antonio?" Lance pointed it
out in a sarcastic manner.

"Lance, I'm really sor......"

"Shh......this is the part where Zorro nearly gives his identity away."

"Forget the damn movie! I want to talk now!" Joey stood up and shouted at
Lance, attracting the attention of the couple making out at the back. The
blond took his eyes off the screen and gave him a look.

"Okay, Joey. If you say so." Joey walked out of the theatre in a huff while
Lance followed with a triumphant smile on his face.

*********************************

Lance sat on his bed, waiting for Joey to say something. The scene in the
movie theatre had been an hour ago and the older man had been talking to him
yet he wasn't really focusing on any topic. It was obvious that Joey was
going to hold out as long as he could. The blond stood up, finally impatient
with Joey's hesitation. " Joey, I'm going to the upper deck place where we
were looking at stars. When you finally feel like telling me what's wrong,
just look for me there."

Joey stared as the door closed behind Lance. [Shit, he sure knows how to
make a guy feel like a jerk.] He sat there on the chair for a few minutes,
savoring the rare moments when he didn't feel like he was drowning in an
abyss of darkness. At least for now he felt a sort of calm before the
destructive storm.

Then it hit him. Those panic-like attacks came again. "No..." Joey barely had
time to call out before he was overcome by the darkness again. He was all by
himself. So alone. The dark voice taunted him. Seduced him. Cajoled him.

***No one cares about you, Joey. You are alone. All alone. No one needs you.
You are just excess baggage. A back-up singer in the group. You are the bad,
bad sheep of the group. You give N Sync their bad reputation. You tarnished
their lily-white reputations. You have no brains, no talent, and no looks.
The only reason you get the naïve girls is because you are part of N Sync.
You know what the funniest thing is? Joey, my poor boy. I bet they make fun
of you behind your back. They laugh and point fingers at you. Joey, you
know. I bet even Lance hates you now. I think you don't deserve anyone's
concern. Go on, hide behind your knight......***

" Joey, wake up! Joey, you're scaring me. Open your eyes and look at me! "
Joey could feel the darkness fading away at the interruption from Lance's
worried tone. Joey could sense the bright, cabin lights from behind his
closed eyelids. He could feel the strong arms of Lance shaking him in an
attempt to wake him up. Yet he was unable to respond. He was trapped in the
dark web.

***But let me tell you this, my dear Joseph. He may be here now but he is
not going to stay by your side forever. I will get you one day. You want to
know a little secret?***

Joey opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He started gasping for breath
while Lance fanned him with a piece of paper. When he caught his breath,
Joey turned to look at Lance who was paler than usual. He also had a look of
guilt and relief on his features. They stared at each other for a minute
before Joey found himself enveloped in a warm hug from Lance. " I thought
you were dying or something. You wouldn't, couldn't wake up. Don't scare me
like this, Joey." Lance hugged Joey even tighter.

"Sorry, Scoop. The voice in my mind wouldn't let me go." Joey blurted out
before he realized how insane that sounded. [ Very funny, Joey. Like what
happened in your head was sane.]

"Huh?" Lance let go of Joey, looking into his mocha-colored eyes.

Joey attempted to get up from the hard ground. How did he end up on the
floor anyway. He stood up too quickly and everything went hazy. He ended up
crashing onto the bed, dragging Lance down with him. He took a while to
clear the fog that was still lingering in his mind. "Uh...never mind."

"No. You are telling me everything starting from the voices in your head."
Lance got up from the bed, and stood stiffly. His arms were folded across
his chest and that was that look again. Yup, that determined look shining
brightly in his green eyes.

"You know you have nice green eyes?" Joey made the dumb remark to throw him
off. It worked.

Lance blushed a nice pink and the above-mentioned beautiful emerald eyes
lost that determined glint. "Really? You think so? I sorta think they
look......hey! Joey. I'm repeating myself. None of us is leaving this place
until you speak up."

"What if the ship sinks?" Joey pointed out the obvious in a smug tone.

"Too bad then. We'll sink with the ship. So if I were you, I will either
open up or pray that the ship makes it way back safe and sound."

" I never knew you were so bossy, Lance." Joey pouted, despite the little
warning bells in his mind screaming at him to ask Lance for help. He didn't
want to be a burden or more of the excess baggage he already was.

"And I never knew you could be so broody. You're acting like Angel. The
brooding vampire with a soul? Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

"You never told me you were a Buffy fan."

"I'm not. I just watched a few episodes with Justin. Besides, I'm not
bossy."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are......why am I having this silly argument with you? I'm acting like Justin.
Joey, can you please tell me what is going on? I'm really worried about
you."

"I don't need a babysitter to look after me."

"No, Joey. You don't. What you need is a friend. Let me be that friend,
Joey. Please, let me help you. " The younger man fixed Joey with a look of
sincerity and the promise of help. Joey's defenses crumbled down at the
promise of help when he stopped.

***You want to know a little secret? You don't want him just as a friend,
Joey my boy......***

The lingering voice in the darkest part of his mind cackled evilly before
leaving Joey out cold again.

The Masks That We Wear

Chapter 4

Lance panicked when Joey blacked out again. " Joey! This is not funny. Joey,
wake up, please!" He had never felt so helpless before. " Okay, Lance don't
panic. Remain calm. What can I do now? Doctor! Right." He was about to run
for the doctor when Joey groaned. " Thank you, God. Joey, wake up! Can you
hear me?" The older man gave another moan as Lance sat down on the bed and
touched his forehead gingerly. " Joey? How do you feel now? Is it okay if I
leave you alone for a while to get a doctor or something?"

Joey tried to refuse but his parched throat refused to cooperate. He ended
up coughing instead. Joey sat up in the bed while Lance poured him a glass
of water and put it to his lips. Joey sipped gratefully before croaking out.
"My head hurts."

"Okay, you stay here. I'm going for the......" Lance was about to open the cabin
door when Joey stopped him.

"It's okay. I'm......I'm fine." Joey closed his eyes again, the confusion and
stress of being haunted by that voice finally catching up with him. " I just
need to sleep. Maybe a painkiller for the headache would be nice." Joey
could not suppress a smile as Lance frantically pulled out a small black
pouch from his bag and produced the painkillers. Lance always thought of
everything. The older man opened his bloodshot eyes and took the pills. He
gave Lance a weak, assuring smile before lying down on the bed. Lance
covered him with the blanket before dragging the chair beside him and
sitting down.

"I'm sorry for blacking out on you. That usually doesn't happen." Joey tried
to assure the worried young man.

"Usually doesn't happen? Joey, I'm really worried about you. All the guys
are also worried about you. You scared me half to death when you blacked out
twice." Joey could hear the anxious tone in Lance's voice clearly. " Joey,
you know you can tell me anything and I wouldn't tell anyone, not even Josh.
You can trust me. What's wrong? " There was a extended silence as Lance
waited for Joey to answer.

When the blond looked at him, he saw that Joey had fallen asleep. Leaning
back into the chair, Lance sighed. Lance had returned to the cabin because
he felt guilty at pressing Joey for an answer when he had promised he
wouldn't. It was lucky that he decided to return. In fact if Lance didn't
see him blacking out the first time, he would have thought he was sleeping.
Then he woke up and became unconscious again. This was not the relaxing
vacation he had been expecting.

"Joey, I wish you would just tell me what is bothering you." Lance smoothed
back a lock of hair from Joey's forehead as he slept peacefully on while his
knight stood guard over him, ready to take on any dragon for him.

************************

Lance barely slept throughout the whole night. He wanted to be awake in case
Joey had a nightmare or wanted something. Fortunately, Joey had slept
soundly through the night. He yawned as he poured himself a glass of water.
Glancing back at the sleeping figure, he wondered for the umpteenth time
what was wrong with Joey. He started packing his clothes into the bag and
mentally ran through the schedule for work on Monday. Since Joey and him
left on Friday afternoon and were only returning in the evening, he had the
whole night to recover from the " vacation ".  Then they would have to head
back to the studios to record again.

"Scoop, what are you doing up so early?" Joey called out in a sleepy voice.
Lance turned around to examine Joey carefully. [ Hmm...looks fine. Not as pale
as yesterday night.] " Um...Lance, you done staring at me?"

"Sorry, I...uh...spaced out." Lance mumbled before concentrating on the task at
hand. " I'm packing my stuff. You should start packing too."

"Ok, later on." Joey paused, debating with himself for a while before
reaching a decision. " Scoop, I think you deserve an explanation for last
night." He glanced at Lance who stopped his packing and turned around to
look at him.

" I've been...been having some problems. I'm not sure how it...started either.
It began during the whole lawsuit with......you know. I feel like...like I have to
maintain this...this façade of me being happy with you guys during that time.
When...when everything was, well, over. I...I thought that everything could be
normal again. But I didn't. I was still upset. I started to fear the whole
idea of being alone. I didn't want to spend the night alone. So I...I brought
women back every night." Joey paused, trying to see if Lance was bothered by
what he was saying. Lance was just listening quietly. Joey continued.

" It worked for a while but the loneliness hit me again. I...I just couldn't
avoid it. Then the voice comes along. There's this voice in my head that
taunts me. It says the most horrible things about me and...and about you guys.
Like how...how unimportant I am to the group and...and stuff like that. " Joey
stopped, stealing a look at the blond who had a stoic expression on his
face.

" The worst part is I don't know how to stop it. I did consult a
psychiatrist but he couldn't identify the problem. I mean this is deeper
than mild depression or any mental illness. I'm so afraid that I might just
do something dangerous one day. I just feel so confused. Am I making sense
to you? Because this whole thing sure doesn't make sense to me." Joey
stopped for the final time and waited for Lance to respond.

The blond responded by pulling him into a tight hug. " If the rest of the
guys are here, we would be having a group hug. But since there's only me,
you'll have to settle. I wish you told me all these earlier. It sort of
makes sense to me but what really bugs me is that voice thing." Lance said
quietly. He pulled away but held on to Joey's hand for support or so Lance
thought to himself.

" I don't know where it came from. The psychiatrist happily informed me that
I was hallucinating and gave me some medication. I took it but the voice
just kept on coming back, stronger each time. I don't think it's my
imagination. It's all too real. I can't explain it to myself though." Joey
hung his head down dejectedly.

" How about the black outs?"

"That was the second time I blacked out. It started on Thursday. I blacked
out at home for a few minutes." Joey replied in a monotonous voice, not
wanting to make a big fuss out of it.

"You want to tell the others about it? Maybe Chris had some idea of what is
happening." Lance suggested while Joey shook his head adamantly.

" I saw a psychiatrist already and he didn't help. I don't think they can
help. "

"Then why did you tell me?"

"I just...I just wanted to. It's up to you whether you want to tell the guys.
"

" Joey, I think the guys have a right to know. They've been worried sick
about you and if they know what is going on, they might feel better. Oh, I'm
moving in with you until you feel better. No buts. I just feel better
knowing that I'm around if you need any help or something. Besides, my place
is under renovation so it's better for me anyway." Lance rationalized, not
allowing any room for protests.

"I don't have a choice, do I? I suppose that's okay. You can take the
guestroom. Thanks for offering to stay with me." Joey gave him a relieved
smile.
"Hey, that's what friends are for." Lance managed to say it without
flinching at the obvious lie.

[Yeah, friends.] Joey sighed before getting up to pack his stuff.

*********************************

" I'm glad you came to welcome us home. Where's the other two? " Lance
mentioned as Joey looked out of the JC's car window distractedly. The rain
was pelting against the car window.

" Oh, Justin had to stay back in the recording studio to redo some parts
while Chris is fetching his girl from the airport. They both wanted me to
ask how was the cruise and whether Joey saw any hot chicks." JC laughed as
he drove to Joey's place. There was a silence when Joey didn't answer. JC
glanced at the mirror to see Lance shaking his head and mouthing later.

"Oh, I'm moving to Joey's house tonight. You think you can help me pack and
drive me back to Joey's place?" Lance asked. JC raised an eyebrow but did
not probe. He simply agreed. Joey seemed to snap back to the real world when
the car stopped.

"Thanks for the ride, JC. You are coming back, aren't you Lance?" Joey asked
uncertainly.

"I promise. See you later, Joey." Lance gave him an assuring smile and the
car drove off, leaving Joey holding an umbrella in one hand and his suitcase
in another looking as though he just lost his anchor in life. Joey entered
his apartment on a happier note. Lance was going to be staying with him. He
decided to clear out some boxes he had put in the guestroom. Joey attempted
to move one particularly heavy one but only made it to the dining table. He
opened it and found all kinds of mugs and glasses.

[ So that's where all my mugs went.] Joey picked up a glass from the crate.
He had no idea why he bought so many glasses for the house in the first
place. There were several martini glasses, wineglasses, and a couple of
ceramic mugs and teacups. There was also a bottle of red wine in the wooden
crate. He took everything out on the dining table. He glanced at the clock.
Lance was taking a long time to pack.

***Oh yes, the knight again. Joey, Joey, Joey. He's not here now. You have
to fight this battle yourself. ALONE.***

"No, not again. Go away! You are not real. You are just a figment of my
overactive imagination. I'm not afraid of you." Joey faltered as he said the
last part.

***Joey, Joey, Joey. You are so naïve. I am as real as you are. Beside, Sir
Lancelot abandoned you, didn't he?***

"No, he didn't. Lance is coming back for me." He insisted.

***You are so innocent, Joey my love. Lance abandoned you. See, it's so
late. He probably forgot all about you. My poor boy, Joey.***

"Oh god, please leave me alone." He pleaded, covering his ears in an failed
attempt block the voice out.

***I don't need to leave you alone. You are already alone. Your knight has
other things to do than to coddle you or protect you from yourself.***

"Protect me from myself? Who are you? Why are you in my head?"

***Oh, poor little Joey doesn't know who I am. This is too funny. Who am I,
Joey? I am you. I am part of you, Joey. I am the darkest, deepest part of
your soul, Joey. This is who you really are. Free me, and you will never be
alone again. Go on, indulge in your dark side. Let all your inhibitions go.
This goody-two shoes image you have is just a mask. I AM the REAL you. ***

"NO...!" Joey grabbed a glass and threw it at the mirror on the wall. The
glass smashed into smithereens, the broken pieces falling to the marble
floor with a clear tinkling sound. There was a large crack on the mirror.

***Did that feel good, Joey? Go on, throw another one. Feel the rush to your
head. ***

With shivering hands, Joey chose a martini glass. It was as though he had no
will of his own. He felt detached from himself. He saw himself swing his arm
up and aimed at the mirror. He saw the glass break into a million pieces.
Joey watched as he threw glass after glass at the mirror and the wall.
Finally, he only had the bottle of red wine left. Without hesitation, he
flung the full bottle at the wall. The red liquid flowed down the wall, like
a red colored river, into the floor, like blood. Joey watched the red liquid
with morbid curiosity.

***Isn't that pretty, Joey? Why don't you make the whole carpet red with
your blood. It's so simple. Go on, choose a nice sharp piece of glass, Joey.
That green one would be great. It's so beautiful. Death is always beautiful
when you choose to look at him yourself. It is only ugly when it stares at
you instead. ***

Unable to control himself, Joey sat down on the part of the floor that was
not covered in glass or the blood red wine. He picked up a large piece of
the green glass and gripped it tightly in his right hand. The glass cut into
his hand, sending waves of pain to his mind but they were not registered.
The only thing that fascinated him was the blood, his blood dripping down
onto the floor, mixing with the spilled red wine. He slowly toyed with the
piece of glass, pressing it deeper into his wrist.

***Joey my love, just a simple slit and all the loneliness will be gone. Go
on. ***

" I'm not strong enough to fight it. I'm sorry, Lance." Joey whispered with
tears in his eyes as he sank into the dark abyss, not able to swim back to
the surface anymore.

========================================================

All comments to Snow C at iefour@hotmail.com and visit me at
http://www.geocities.com/rf2107/blue_ocean.html