Date: Sun, 6 Feb 2000 19:17:26 EST From: EromenosStories@aol.com Subject: Meaning of Loneliness Well this is my first attempt at writing a story. I resently been reading many different stories in the BoyBands directory. For the most part, the only ones that I have been completely engrossed into have been the ones surrounding the BackStreetBoys. Of course I have my favorites amonst them, and find myself lingering for the next instalment of the different series. My two favorites are "Escape" by Rachel, and "Studio in the Country" by Michael Washere. I highly recomend these two series, as they are well writen and very powerful. I don't think I have gotten into nearly any books as much as I have them. (Kudos for both of you) I can only hope to leave up to the standards that you two have set in my eyes. Keep up the good work and I look forward to the next instalments of your stories. Now down to business. Disclaimer: This story is nothing more then a work of fiction. It contains homosexual and homoerotic themes (yes as you could imagine there might be sex in this story, but let me make it very clear that this story will not be one of those cheesy sex storie), and by no means is meant to imply in real life that anyone in the BackStreetBoys are gay, or anyone else that may be mentioned in the process of this story. If it is illegal for you to read this story and/or under the legal age in your area, then please go no further. For the rest of you... let us begin... enjoy! Meaning of Loneliness Chapter 1: Coming to Terms By Eromenos As he sat there in silence in his hotel room, many thoughts flooded through his head. For about a year now, there has been so many feeling, emotions, and thoughts that he just couldn't explain. And now he just didn't know if he could handle it anymore. Life used to be so simple for him. But now things are more then confussing. They started pushing more towards frustrating. And Brian couldn't handle it anymore. Many nights Brian would sit there and cry himself to sleep. He felt evil. He felt wrong. And most of all, he felt that he was in love beyond his control. And now he felt there was only one thing he could do. And it was time to do it. It had to be now, before he pushed himself over the edge and had a nervous breakdown. 'Yes it is time, I have to do this for me, I only hope they will understand' he thought to himself. *** "Rok, what do you mean you are leaving the group? Why all of a sudden? I just don't understand. What are we suppost to do? We need you. I need you! You are my best friend!" "Nick, look, I know you don't understand. And that is mainly inpart by me not being totally honest with you. But even at this moment, I can't. I just can't. Please understand." Brian now having tears rolling down his face. "Brain, listen to me, you're like my brother. You can tell me anything." Nick by this point is also starting to cry as he tries to get his best friend from leaving him. "Please, whatever it is, we'll get through it. I promise. But you have to tell me, or I can't help you." "NO! I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone. I don't even know myself, so how could I tell you, if I myself can't make sence of it. All I know is that I feel that I that if i don't get away, I am going to break down, and be no use to you and the guys anyways." There was a long silence, then the phone ringing broke it, but the boys ignored it, then still crying Brian said, "But before I go I will finish the song that I have been telling you and the guys about, and record my vocals and have it ready for you guys to finish up to meet the deadline for Millenium, then I will leave." With that being said, Brian quickly got up and left Nicks room, leaving Nick falling back onto his bed sobbing. *** Meanwhile, in a club in Atlanta, where the boys were finishing up the recording of the new album, Howie, Kevin, and AJ sat at a table having a few drinks, and talking. They originaly went there to dance and have a few drinks, but as it turns out, none of the boys were actually having fun at all. They all seemed very worried about Brian. "He just hasn't been the same lately. And what was with earlier, I have never seen him storm off like that before. It was like one minute I was dancing with that blonde, and the next minute he was flying out the door as fast as he could. I think I even seen him sobbing, but I'm not sure. What kind of shit was said at the table?" AJ asked still kind of caught off gaurd all of this. "Nothing out of the ordinary, but it hasn't taken much lately to set Bri into some strange mood. I think we were talking about how Nick didn't want to come out tonight, and how strange it was. During this he was pretty silent, and staring off in space. But I just wrote it off as him staring at the pretty little red-head that aproached him earlier in the night, that was now standing across the dance floor." Kevin said with a shrug. "Has anyone called Nick?" "Yeah, I called him in his room about two minutes ago, Howie. But he didn't answer. And there was no answer at Brians phone. I don't know what to think." Kevin added. Then all the boys fell silent as they heard one of Brian's favorite songs come on and people all started to rush to the dance floor........ o/`` Everyone falls in love sometimes, I don't know about you, but it ain't a crime. Evvverybody falls in love sometimes..... I don't know about you..... but it ain't a crimmmme. o/`` "Ok, we just can't sit here with our bro sitting god only knows where, doing god only knows what." Howie said. And with everyone nodding in agreement, the three of them got up and left the club. *** Nick sat up on his bed and looked around the room, not quite knowing yet if what all happened was a dream. 'Did I really get woken up by B'Rok comming into my room earlier and telling me that he was leaving the group?' Nick thought to himself. As he played what he thought to be a dream through his head, he was startled by a knocking at the door. "Nicky, are you in there? Open up!" Kevin was yelling from being so shaken up from Brian not being in his room a moment ago when they went to his room. "Please Nicky, open the door." He was really starting to sound concerned, so Nick hurried to the door. "Hey, what's going on, you guys? Is something wrong?" "Is Brian here?" AJ asked with an ugency in his voice. "Well, I guess that wasn't a dream then." Nick replied. The boys looked at eachother confussed, then Kevin asked, "What do you mean, Nick?" "Brian was here earlier," Nick proceded to then tell the boys the whole story and what he thought about the whole thing, and finished up with telling them how he said something about being confussed and wanting to leave the group. Nick was about to continue. "and..." Nick was saying until he was interupted by all the boys. "WHAT?!?" All the boys said as they gasped. "Where did he say he was going, Nick?" Kevin asked with a tears starting to form in his eyes. "Ummm... oh yeah, the studio. He said something about finishing the song that he won't tell any of us about until we record our vocals seperately. Said that when he leaves it for us there will be the music all set for it, the lyrics, and the instructions on how to finish it up. Along with that will be his recorded vocals." Nick said, still not having sunken in that this all wasn't a dream. "Guys stay here, I'm going to the studio to talk to Bri. I'll call you as soon as I know what is going on and talk to him." Kevin said with a glare in his eyes, letting the other know that he meant to go alone and that they shouldn't even bother protesting it. "Ok, Kev, but call us as soon as possible." "I will Howie. Now I gotta go." and Kevin shot out the door. "I hope Bri will be ok, I don't think I could handle any of us leaving the group." AJ said with tears softly rolling down his face. *** Back at the studio, Brian is busy working on the song that has been such a mystery to the rest of the guys. Although he has been working on this song for quite some time now, Brian has the music completely mapped out and recorded, but that is all. Sitting there with a sheet of paper with the music playing, he keeps writing down lyrics and scribbling them out. Then out of the corner of his eye he sees one of the many pictures the boys bring with them to the studio from back home to make all the traveling easier. It was of all the guys on the beach. He looked how he was standing in between Nick and AJ with there arms around the back of him. With a small smile remembering that day, and then thinking about all the pain he has been feeling inside he finally started putting his emotions to words to form the most beautiful song. Opon finishing the lyrics, Brian decided to lay down a track of him singing all the song once through to hear it and get a rough idea, and not to mention decide who will sing what part. While doing this tears have been rolling down his face non-stop. This song was to be his confession to the man he felt he loved in a round about way. Only if he could actually bring himself to actually tell him. After laying down all the vocals Brian mixed it together and started to play the song in it's rough form of just him singing it solo, when Kevin slipped though the door. Noticing the music just starting Kevin hung back to listen before interupting Brian, since he knew how important this was to Brian. The music cued, and then the most beautiful song Kevin ever heard started to come in as the lyrics started............ Show me the meaning of being lonely So many words for the broken heart It's hard to see in a crimson love So hard to breathe Walk with me, and maybe Nights of light so soon become Wild and free I could feel the sun Your every wish will be done They tell me Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart Life goes on as it never ends Eyes of stone observe the trends They never say forever gaze upon me Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love) There's no control Are you with me now? Your every wish will be done They tell me Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart The music slowly dyed down, and all Kevin could hear was the sound of Brian crying. Seeing this was all Kevin needed to make his entrance. "Brian, that was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Did you write it for LeighAnn?" He asked trying to act like he didn't know that Brian was crying his eyes out. Startled Brain jumped and wiped his eyes quickly. "When did you get here?" "Right as your song started playing, I hope you aren't mad at me for listening to it before you intended." Kevin said still acting like he didn't see anything. "No, I guess it's fine." Brian contemplated what to say about Kevin's first question, then decided to just answer honestly, "And, no, it isn't for LeighAnn. I havn't told any of you guys yet, but she and I broke up about a month ago." Brian just lowered his head as he finished his sentence thinking Kevin was going to start in at him about not telling him. Kevin's heart sank, 'Could this be what has been bothering Bri' he thought to himself. "Brian, I'm sorry, what happened?" "I broke it off, I didn't love her...."Brian trailed away preparing to say what he just decided to tell one of his closest friends, and cousin. He drew a breath and continued, "Not the way I love someone else." His voice was almost a whisper. Startled by Brians last comment, Kevin was silent for a minute then asked, "Why don't we know haven't you told us, or atleast me? Bri, we tell eachother everything. Who is this person?" "Kevin, you know you are one of my clostest friends, not to mention my cousin, but there are somethings I can't even tell you." "Brian, look at me," Brian now looking deep into Kevin's beautiful blue eyes, Kevin continued "Bri, you can tell me anything. I will always love you. You might even be shocked. I think I already know what this is all about." There was a long pause. Kevin just gazed into Brians eyes, that were filling with tears. Then Brian embraced Kevin tightly and buried his head in Kevin's chest. "Brian, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think I know what is going on. I see how you gaze and watch with this person." another momentary pause, "Bri, is this song for Nick?" Brian just jumped back, and looked mortified at what came out of his cousin's mouth. His tears starting to flow even harder. "Kevin, I don't know what to say...." "Brian, it's ok. I will still love you, and nothing will change. You can be honest." "Kevin, how could you still love me? How could you possible love a sinner, and someone who was evil?" Brian said as Kevin grasped him in a very warm, tight hug, to let him know that he loved him. "Well, Brian, to be honest, very easily. Mainly because you aren't evil for feeling the way you do. And believe it or not, I understand. And so will the other guys. You see, we didn't want to tell you because of your strong religous beliefs, but Nick, and myself are gay." Brians head popped up at this discovery and looked deep in Kevin's eyes to see if he was telling the truth. "Now do you see, Bri, I do understand, and will love you anyways. And Nick will understand..." Kevin went to keep comforting him, but Brian spoke up with tears rolling down his face even harder, almost sobbing. "Kevin, I love you, but you don't fucking understand. I feel somewhat better knowing this. Although I understand why you didn't tell me sooner, I still can't help but be hurt to the point of you always telling me that you never keep any secrets from me." at that remard Kevin went to step in and point out the fact that Brian himself has kept so much a secret from Kevin in the last month, but knowing this, Brian stepped in first, "I know, I know, I haven't be the most honest either. And I am sorry." And at this, Brian just proceeded to bury his head in Kevin's chest again. Kevin warmly confided in Brian as he rubbed his back and wrapped his arms tightly around him. "Brian, why don't you try to tell Nick about how you feel about him. I'm sure he feels for you too, and is single. If you feel so strongly, then go with your heart!" Now Brian was really sobbing and clinging to Kevin with his whole being. Then he looked up, looked Kevin in those mysterious eyes of his, and said "Kevin, listen to me, you don't understand...." Brain took a deep breath then continued, while wiping some of the tears from his eyes. "I don't love Nick, I love ALEXANDER!" but as soon as he got the words out of his mouth he looked over his Kevin's shoulder to see the other three boys standing there, in awe of what they just heard. "OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Brian called out with tears flying down his face again. And ran out of the studio. Not knowing what to do, the guys just stood there in shock, then Howie went to go chase after Brian when Kevin interfered, "Howie, no. He needs to be alone. What just happened was really hard on him and he probably wants to be alone, and I can understand why." Kevin said with fresh tears rolling down his face once more. Howie just nodded. And everyone's eyes wandered over to gaze at the now shocked AJ. "Did I miss something or did Brian just tell you he was in love with me, Kevin?" AJ asked with confussion in his voice. *** In his room, all he could could do was sit in silence. This was so much to take in. Just a few hours ago, he had heard from Brians own mouth how he was in love with him. And before he could even say anything to Brian, he ran away crying. In shock, he remembers asking Kevin if his ears were deceiving him, and that was when Kevin played the song for him, and explained everything. Including that Brian was truely in love with him, and that the song was for him. And for once in his life, AJ just didn't know what to say. Now he sits here in his room, thinking about everything to himself, 'I don't know what to think. I know I'm not gay. I just know I'm not, I think, but Bri is so important to me. And I do care for him. I always have. It don't bother me that he is gay. I mean come on, I took it well when I found out that Kevin was gay, and also when Nick came out. But this is different. They don't feel that they love me, what am I going to do...." AJ just kept playing the night through his head, and eventually fell asleep, with no more solved in his head, then when he started. *** Brian did all he could from bawling his eyes out while he drove. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he needed to get away. It was raining pretty heavily, and visiblity was very poor. As he drove he felt his Jeep go all over the road. Then before he knew what was happening, he hit a guard rail, sending him flying into oncomming traffic. Right before he hit head on with a Dodge Truck he thought to himself, 'Please GOD, just let me go' and he covered his face as he cried as the two smashed into eachother. ***************** Well there so far is Chapter 1: Coming to Terms. I know you must be angry at me for leaving the story be at a serious part of the story, but if I didn't... what kind of story would it be? Besides... I have already started the next chapter, and in no time flat you should be able to pick up where you left off, since I have writen this chapter in about 7 hours, and the next is on it's way. So don't hate me. *smile* If anyone has any comments, good or bad, I would love to hear from you. So if you wish to do so, you can Email me at EromenosStories@aol.com. I look forward to hearing from you, and hope to have the next chapter out as early as tomorrow before I go to work. Oh yeah.... and don't forget to go read those two series "Escape" and "Studio in the Country". Ciao guyz... until next time!