Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 22:30:46 EST
From: Frances2723@gateway.net
Subject: Miles To Go Before I Sleep- Chapter 1

Hey everyone.  First attempt.  I'm excited about this, it's an idea I've
been kicking around for awhile now.  I've been playing with this story for
a couple of months, and I finally decided to just post, and see what
happens.  Feedback is appreciated, kind criticism only, please.  I'd like
to thank some people for their inspiration, mainly their superb stories:
DLS, Matt Hunter, Nsyncgrrl, Mike Ellis, midwestjames, and Dara Lynn.  I'd
also like to thank my cats, Frack and Aria.

DISCLAIMER: I know 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys. I own them, too.  J.C. and
Justin are currently tied naked to my bed, Lance is giving me a foot
massage, and Chris and Joey are fanning me with big feathers.  The
Backstreet Boys are cooking me dinner.  This story, along with the
preceding statements, is fiction.  Made up.  Not true.  Imaginary.  Don't
know, don't mean to imply.  Oh, and under 18?  Bye- bye!

Please don't take my story.  I'm a religious person, and I have no problem
calling upon my Hell's Angels friends to beat you to death in Jesus'
name. *smiles sweetly*

Now, on with the story.  Enjoy!


There was a short, determined knock, and the door opened, as Jimmy stepped
into the sunlit boardroom.  Six well-dressed men shifted in surprise, their
movements causing the leather chairs to squeak in unison.  Carrie Moore
stopped mid-sentence, and shifted her gaze from the computer screen in
front of her to look at Jimmy with raised eyebrows.  She immediately stood
when she saw the quiet, concentrated look in his eyes.  She had seen this
look before.

	"Lance Bass is on line three," he said slowly and deliberately.
Hesitating slightly, she excused herself and picked up the handset resting
to her right.  "Lance?"

	She sat down slowly as that deep, rich Southern accent enveloped
her.  She saw Jimmy step closer out of the corner of her eye, and she
prepared for the worst.  She began to pale, as the words sank in.
"..... he's alright now... pumped his stomach....releasing him
tomorrow.....the pills were everywhere.....Carrie?  Honey, are you there?"

	"Where are you?" Her voice shook.  She caught Jimmy's eye, and his
calm gaze assured her that everything was being taken care of.  Lance
continued to speak, but she heard almost nothing.  Until the end.

 "He tried to commit suicide, Carrie.  We need you here right now."  She
nodded, and said goodbye.  She looked around the room at the startled
faces, and smiled weakly.

 "Gentlemen, I'm afraid there's been an emergency and I must leave.  I'll
contact you about rescheduling.  Thank you all for coming."  She stood
quickly, and followed Jimmy out of the room.

	Her head was buzzing by the time she reached her office.  She went
to the small bathroom and knelt before the toilet.  Jimmy waited patiently
outside, she could hear him talking on the phone.  "Yes, this is Jimmy
Martin, executive assistant for Carrie Moore, I need to speak to Brian
Littrell, it's an emergency.  Yes, I'll hold..."

She finished, and went to the sink to brush her teeth.  Her weak stomach
was not a new thing to her or Jimmy, and she'd learned not to mess herself
up over the years.  She rinsed one final time, and joined Jimmy in the
office just as he hung up the phone.

 "Brian's going to meet us at the airport, we're scheduled to leave in one
hour," he said.  She nodded slowly, and took Jimmy's hand.  He pulled her
into a hug, and held her for a moment.  She couldn't cry, she just felt
numb all over.  She pulled away, and looked at Jimmy.  He smiled, and she
knew he understood.  He knew her just as well as all of the boys.  He had
been there with her from the beginning.  The beginning.  She tried not to
think about it, that day that changed her life, the very first day she had
met him, that day that had finally led to this....his despair and
desperation, his final attempt at a solution.

	"Carrie, let's go, okay honey?  There's a car waiting right now.
You need to go home and pack.  We'll meet you at the airport, okay?
Carrie?"  Jimmy's hand rested on her shoulder, and she glanced up at him.

 "Yeah, okay," She let him lead her out the door to the elevator, and
through the lobby of the main building.

"I'll meet you at the airport, right Carrie?  Okay? Honey, do you need me
to go with you?"  He leaned down and looked at her, doubt and worry
creasing his mouth and eyebrows.

 "No, Jimmy, I'm fine.  I'll meet you at the airport, one hour.  I got it."
She motioned the driver to go on, and sat back as they pulled away from the
curb.





Forty minutes later, the limousine pulled to the main terminal at Orlando
International.  Carrie jumped out and grabbed her bags from the driver,
giving a hasty smile of thanks.  She half ran into the terminal, stopping
abruptly at a mob of people about ten feet in front of her.  Experience
kicked in, and she wrestled her way into the crowd.  At the center, looking
grim, was Brian and he moved quickly to embrace her.

 "Oh God, baby, I don't even know where to start," he whispered, kissing
her lightly on the cheek.

She held him for a moment, and said, "You being here is enough for now,
Bri.  I'm still numb, but later on I'll need you to pick me up off the
floor.  And you definitely need to keep Jimmy sane, I know he's hurting
from this also."  They began to move away from the crowd, thanks to the
help of airport security, and soon found themselves on the plane, facing
each other in cushy leather chairs.  Carrie closed her eyes and leaned back
against the leather, sighing heavily.  She felt her strength leaving her,
but she knew this was just the beginning of the nightmare.  'Sleeping
pills,' she thought, 'that seems appropriate for him.  He always used sleep
as an escape.'

Her thoughts were jumbled, remembering their first meeting, and their last.
It had been almost two years since she had spoken to him.  Two long years
of pain, guilt, and anger.  Angry at his stubbornness, pride, and fear.
Guilty for inflicting this...questioning him, his lifestyle, his very
being.  Hurt at losing a colleague, a friend, a lover.

	Soft hands closed over Carrie's, and she opened her eyes.
"Everything's going to be alright, you know.  You always seem to make
things better, Carrie.  Nobody knows these boys better than you do, nobody
loves them more."  Leigh Anne smiled reassuringly.  Carrie had not even see
her get on the plane, but was grateful for her presence.  They had gotten
really close over the past year, despite initial misgivings about Carrie's
intentions toward Brian.  She knew she would benefit from Leigh Anne's
ability to speak candidly and objectively.  Most people, except for the
boys and Jimmy, gave Carrie only what she wanted to hear, even though she
repeatedly asked for only the truth.  But Leigh Anne knew Carrie well, she
saw what even the boys didn't always catch.

 "I think I need to sleep, ya'll," Carrie said, yawning.  "I have a feeling
it's going to be a long night."  The drone of the airplane engines lulled
her into a dreamless sleep, and for that, she was grateful.





Two hours later, the plane began its final descent into John F. Kennedy
Airport.  Brian, having donned hat and sunglasses, led the small party off
the plane, where a haggard-looking young man with red-tipped hair greeted
them.  Joey Fatone, Jr. had volunteered to come retrieve Carrie and Jimmy
at the airport, knowing full well that Lance and Justin needed to stay at
the hospital.  Chris was going to meet them at the hotel later on.  After
quick hugs and hand shaking, the party made for the baggage claim.  Jimmy
and Joey spoke quietly, huddled together, and Brian looked around the
airport nervously.

"Just a couple of minutes, Bri, then we'll be out of here," Leigh Anne
tried to sooth her fianc^Â.  Airports always made Brian nervous, but
today seemed even worse.  None of them felt much like dealing with star
struck teenagers right now.  Carrie found her bags quickly, as did the
others, and they headed for the van Joey had rented.  The sun was going
down in the Big Apple, and the night was starting to get chilly.  Carrie
shivered and pulled a sweater out of her carry-on bag.  They reached the
van and piled themselves and the luggage into it.  Joey pulled into
traffic, and Carrie turned the radio on.  Music filled the van, and the
silence.  Carrie had relied on music as a solace since her birth, and she
knew it was the same for Joey and Brian also.

"He's asked for you, Carrie," Joey spoke in a low voice, interrupting
Carrie's thought.  She turned and looked at him solemnly.  "What are you
going to do?"

She thought for a moment.  This was just like her boys, if something was
wrong, call Carrie, she'll fix it.  They just assumed she had all the
answers, and for the most part, she did.  This wasn't music, though, this
wasn't as easy as a chord change or different staging.  She had told
herself over and over that the decisions she had made were in the best
interest of her boys, her students, and now she had to rethink that
statement.  What had she already done to lead to this?  Which decision?
Which day?  She made literally a million decisions about her students,
these boys, every day.  Where had she gone wrong?

"I don't know, Joey."

He looked startled for a moment, then he nodded silently.  The van pulled
up to the Plaza Hotel main entrance, and stopped.  Carrie smiled, this was
her favorite hotel in New York, and she knew it was 'Nsync's also.  They
made their way to the seventeenth floor, where Joey showed them their
rooms.

"I want to see his room, Joey," Carrie said as she came out of her own
room.  Joey grimaced, but slowly led her to the room next door to hers.  He
slid the keycard in the lock and opened the door.  Carrie stepped in and a
wave of emotion hit her.  She saw his clothes, his wallet, and she smelled
him all at once.  She began to tear up, trying desperately to keep her
composure.  She knew she had to be strong for the boys.

  She made her way to the bathroom, and saw his toothbrush lying on the
counter.  She grabbed it, and rinsed it off, then picked up his shaving
bag.  She threw some things in it, and walked back into the room to his
suitcase.  She picked out some clean clothes, and went to the nightstand by
the bed.  There were two crumpled photos by the phone.  One was Carrie, of
her standing in front of the MTV Studios, grinning proudly.  The other was
Lance, reading a book on the tour bus.  Carrie's breath caught, and as a
last minute thought, she included the photos in the bag she had packed.

"Okay, I'm ready," she said to Joey, and they left the room and met the
others, now joined by Chris, in the hall.

Ten minutes later, they arrived at the hospital.  Joey led them through the
lobby and into the elevators.  He punched seven, and waited nervously with
the others.  Jimmy and Brian had each taken Carrie's hand, and they
squeezed them gently to comfort her.  She stood fidgeting, willing the
elevator to go faster and slower at the same time.  Finally they reached
the floor, and Joey stepped off and headed to the left.

"They have him in a private room," he said, "it's very secluded.  We've
managed to keep the press away so far."  He stopped in front of 721.  "This
is it."

Joey opened the door, and Carrie took a deep breath before stepping in
front of him.  Immediately, she felt a wave of nausea hit her, as she saw
him lying in the bed.  He was pale, and had large circles under his eyes,
which were closed.  He had two IV's, one in each arm, and all Carrie could
think was, 'Oh my God, he'll freak when he sees that.  He hates needles.'

 Lance and Justin both looked up as she approached the bed, and the
sleeping form.  Lance held her gaze steadily, and she felt his emotion and
knew that he was on the brink of collapse.  Only Lance had an inkling as to
what really had happened here, and between Carrie and the now sleeping man
in the bed.  Only Lance really knew the cause of this thwarted disaster,
and Carrie was glad.  Lance was the only one she thought could handle
something like this, but it was clear that it would be a struggle.  Carrie
reached over the bed and touched Lance's cheek, his eyes closed in
anticipation of her touch.  When he opened them again and looked at her
with large, liquid pools of green, she smiled.  Relief flooded his face.

Justin had risen and come to her side.  She turned and faced him, and
pulled him close.  He buried his face in her neck, sobbing loudly, and she
stroked his head, running her hands through his mop of curls.

"It's okay, baby, everything's gonna be okay," she soothed him, "he's going
to make it, I promise."  The sobbing subsided, and Justin lifted his head
and looked at Carrie, his blue eyes shining with tears.  He leaned down and
touched his forehead to hers, then his nose to her nose.  Carrie's hands
ran down his chest to his waist, and he finally closed his mouth over hers
gently.  She kissed him, then backed away.  The others in the room had
shifted their gaze to the bed, and Carrie turned slowly around.

Large, liquid blue eyes brimming with tears caught her own dark eyes, and
she felt her tears falling quickly and silently down her cheeks.  She
stepped to the bed, and placed her hands on the pale face, smoothing the
dark hair away from his cool, dry forehead.  His eyes pleaded with her, for
forgiveness, for help, for anything that would take him out of this misery.
Carrie leaned down and kissed him lightly, resting her forehead on his.

"I love you, Joshua."  She said it over and over, as she kissed him lightly
all over his face.  "I love you, baby, I love you.  I love you, honey,
Josh, I love you."  He cried freely, the tears staining his pale cheeks.

"It doesn't end here, Josh, you hear me?" she said.  "JC, it begins here,
and it doesn't end until all the pain and guilt and shame are gone.  And
when it ends, we, all of us, will have fought and won.  And then," she
paused, "then, I'm going to smack you really hard."

He smiled, and a burst of laughter came through the tears.  She wiped his
eyes with her thumbs, and leaned back to look at him.  He glanced around
the room, taking in the smiling faces.

"Okay," he said, "it begins here."  He looked down at his arms, taking in
the sight, and slowly raised his eyes to Carrie's.  "Now, can you please
get these needles out of me, before I really lose it?"



Well?  I hope you enjoyed it.  This is just the beginning, kind of a teaser
opening.  The ending is weird, but it seemed like the most logical place to
section it.  Let me know what you think.