Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 05:47:31 EDT
From: TheBlueTicket@aol.com
Subject: Not Beautiful Anymore Chapter 1 (GM)

Author's Note/disclaimer: All right.  I'd like to meet anyone who considers
it a possibility that I know the Backstreet Boys and/or anyone else who
actually exists and is in this fic ( I don't know anyone, people. ).  admit
I have never got any from a Backstreet Boy, therefore I couldn't tell you
any of their true sexual preferences ect. ect.

         I am the type of writer who needs reviews.  I want ... ten.
There's no point in posting your work if no one is giving you their opinion
of it, so if I don't get any it simply won't continue.  That does sound
kind of snobby for some reason ... sorry.

         By the way, Kevin was chosen from teenpeople.com as one of the
hottest music males in entertainment (With thirteen other people).  In the
reader's poll, he currently places second for the hottest male in the
industry.  Why don't you guys show some Backstreet support/pride and go
vote for him?  I think we'd all like to see a Backstreet Boy reach the
number one position. Thanks!

Here it is.  The first piece of the first material I'm posting on Nifty.


Not Beautiful Anymore -- Installment one



         Time has never moved so slowly.  As though stillness engulfed the
room and everything froze in a lifeless position and AJ felt like he was
staring at the scene through the eyes of a half-rotten corpse.
         Have you ever felt so guilty about a tragedy it felt like a hole
was being torn in the depths of your body?  As though despair was an acidic
liquid slowly causing you to deteriorate from the inside out?
         AJ felt this way.
         Despite the fact the stillness was traumatizing, AJ for some
reason felt hesitant to disturb it.  There was another figure in the room,
a sleeping figure who's only comfort probably came with the state of
unconsciousness.
         AJ wanted to touch him.  He wanted to reach out and gently shake
the sleeping man's shoulder.  Of course he wanted to wake him!  There was
so much AJ needed to explain and confess to him.  AJ prayed to God for the
man to wake up on his own ... because he would have felt guilty for
disturbing the man's sleep.  But I *need* to talk to you, Kev, and
apologize for putting you here ... apologize for hurting you ... apologize
for ruining your career.
         The urge to speak was greater then his urge to remain silent, and
he began to softly explain how guilty he felt to sleeping ears.  Believe it
or not, AJ was completely unsatisfied with making confessions to one who
wasn't listening, and soon he gave up trying to wake Kevin with low, urgent
whispers.
         AJ was flustered when Kevin did not wake up in time to hear his
confessions.  Nick came inside the room, and AJ's two-hour time limit was
over.  Nick granted AJ a soft smile which lacked genuine happiness,
preparing to exchange some form of greeting with the man.
         "Nick, please let me watch him.  I'll take your shift ... I need
to be here when he wakes up."  AJ said, standing up from his seat.  Nick's
forced smile faded when he noticed how red and puffy AJ's eyes were.  There
were also trails of past tears streaming down his face.  Inwardly, Nick
felt himself wince.
         "Sorry man, you need to get back to the hotel.  I want to do my
share for Kevin to."  Nick couldn't ignore AJ's skeptical glance.  Brian,
himself and Howie had already discussed the fact they weren't going to
allow AJ to, in a figurative way, kill himself over this.  "Besides, the
Weakest Link is on ... " Nick murmured, pointing toward the hospital TV.
"If I left now, I would miss it."
         "Here, Weakest Link is on at ten, Nick.  In Florida it was on at
seven."  AJ explained, stressed brown eyes narrowed.  He was trying to seem
angry and persuasive.  It wasn't working with Nick.
         "Oh, well, that's good.  I'll be back at the hotel in two hours,
so I'll be home just in time for it."  Nick reasoned before moving to sit
down on the hospital's 'visitor's chair.'
         "Nick--" AJ suddenly choked out.  And Nick ignored the temptation
to let the broken man have his wish.
         "No, AJ. Our driver is waiting outside."  He responded somewhat
hoarsely, keeping his gaze towards the hospital floor.  AJ quivered in an
attempt to suppress his anger.  "Don't do this to me, AJ.  We could fight
and argue and Kevin can wake up to chaos.  Is that what you want for him?"
Those words were enough to get AJ to turn and step out of the room.  Nick
stood and peaked outside the hospital room's door to see AJ's form fleeting
down the hall.  At least Bone wasn't waiting outside the hall for Nick to
leave ... but he wouldn't be too surprised if AJ ordered the driver to
circle the hospital until Nick's two hour shift is over.  Nick sighed as he
sat back down into the seat.
         Honestly, he couldn't understand why Kevin didn't want all his
brothers standing there beside his hospital bed.  Kevin presented them the
idea of exchanging two-hour shifts with each other.  In fact, he demanded
it.  He never even really explained why he only wanted one person at his
side at a time ... maybe it just pained him to think of himself a liability
on the entire band ... but they had all secretly assumed Kevin was worried
about their mental and physical health.  Probably more so then his own.
         About twenty minutes after AJ left, Nick noticed a pair of green
eyes peering through the dim room, lighted only by the sparse, natural
light emitting from the window.  Those eyes lacked it's typical intensity
and sharpness ... they seemed dull now, somehow fragile.  Nick choked back
a sob before forcing himself to make a thin smile.
         "Hey big guy, how ya hanging?"  He tried to keep his voice
sounding optimistic, casual.  He knew Kevin hated hospitals.  It reminded
him of his father, and Brian's surgery.  And the last thing Kevin needs is
to see someone crying at his bedside while he suffers in this damn
hospital.
         "Tired."  Kevin admitted in a very quiet, weak voice.
         "No surprise there.  Doctors said you lost a lot of blood."  Nick
pointed out, then mentally slapped himself.  Was that an appropriate thing
to say to Kevin at this point?
         "Was this during my second or third surgery?"  Kevin asked before
shifting slightly, so he was staring up towards the ceiling.  This new
position presented Nick a lovely view of the bandages taped to the side of
Kevin's face, caked with some dried, dark-colored blood.
         "Third."  Nick whispered back.  For some reason he felt that if he
spoke to loud he might irritate Kevin's ears ... he seemed so breakable at
this point, so delicate.  As though one harsh word was all it took to
shatter him into thousands of tiny pieces.
         "They suggested blood transfusion if your body didn't have a
healthy response to the surgery.  Think maybe you'd like to ... ?"  Does
anybody have a particularly healthy response to surgery? Kevin mused as he
shook his head in the negative, and Nick decided not to discuss the issue
any further.  Instead, he asked a random question in hopes of stumbling
onto another conversation topic.  " ... how long have you slept?"
         "Not too long.  Been lying here awake an hour or so."  Kevin's
reply made Nick freeze.  If that were true, then didn't he hear AJ pleading
for a chance to speak to him? And see him while he was awake?
         "Wait a sec, did you know AJ was waiting for you to wake up?"
Nick asked in a subtly exasperated voice.  Kevin nodded, and was silently
shocked at how difficult it was to nod.  Such a simple physical gesture
... at one time done without any effort, without any thought ... and now it
seemed like a difficult test of physical strength.  "W-well, why didn't you
say anything?" Nick asked in a strained voice.  For some reason it was
difficult to accept that Kevin seemed to have completely ignored AJ's guilt
over what happened.  "You aren't blaming him for what happened, are you?
He is so upset right now Kevin and--"
         "That's exactly it, Nick!"  Kevin said perhaps too loudly, too
quickly.  His normally charming voice had turned into a raspy, agonized
whisper. Kevin clenched his eyes shut and swallowed, a combination of
emotions causing a dull headache.  "I can hardly keep, myself from sobbing
uncontrollably, much less AJ.  I don't know if I should blame AJ for what
happened to me, I can hardly remember what happened three days ago.  For
the last hour--" He swallowed again, wondering why his throat felt so dry.
Perhaps he should stop talking and rest ... but he knew he wanted to finish
what he had to say.
         "--For the last hour, I have been listening to AJ's guilt while
trying to figure out exactly how all of this started.  I have never felt so
completely confused and weak in my entire life and I don't have the
strength to tell AJ that I'm fine, I forgive you and everything will be all
right when I can't even say those things to myself." Kevin said softly,
tears blurring his eyesight.  He felt the urge to continue, to tell Nick
this accident might ruin his career, his marriage, his mind, his
life. Perhaps he would feel better if he told Nick all the negative
possibilities which has suddenly spread out before him and get rid of some
of his pent-up frustration.
         "I'm sorry, Kevin.  I didn't look at it that way ... " Nick said,
then resumed a disturbing silence.
         The silence remained until a nurse arrived thirty minutes later to
change Kevin's bandages.  She spoke in a heavy British accent when she
asked Kevin how he felt.  Kevin didn't reply, and she couldn't blame him.
When she slowly began to peel off the bandages on the right side of his
face, Nick turned away feeling somehow ashamed at what had happened to
Kevin and mournful.  But Kevin interpreted Nick's action as an attempt to
avoid looking at Kevin's fresh scars, and bursted into devastated tears.



         After twenty minutes of trying to convince Kevin he didn't look
away from him out of disgust, Nick finally managed to calm the man down
long enough to have his bandages replaced.  Kevin quivered, suddenly
feeling breathless.  He had yet to see the damage done to himself, but he
knew it was fairly bad.  He knew it was when he drifted unconscious shortly
after the accident ... just in time to see the horrified expressions on
Brian and AJ's faces.
         He could also tell it was bad simply from the pain.
         Kevin silently watched Nick clutch his hand, a weak attempt to
comfort Kevin.  Both men were at a loss for words, and ended up simply
staring at each other with heartbroken gazes for a large portion of Nick's
shift.  He felt even worse now that he made Nick feel so miserable over his
actions.  What could he accomplish by making energetic, cheerful Nick
Carter brood?  But it was too late to offer Nick comforting words that he
was going to be fine ... because for the first time his entire life, he was
certain everything was going to be the exact opposite of 'fine.'
         "Why don't you go sit down now, Nicky." He offered, slowly turning
away from Nick to face the wall.  He felt the blonde settle with sitting at
the edge of the hospital bed.  But Kevin ignored Nick now.  Now Kevin went
through the painful and slow process of pinpointing the moment of time
which had led to his permanent scaring.


Author's Note: Not too long.  But this gives you an idea of what Kevin
eventually happens to Kevin and the next several chapters will explain
exactly how he got into this position.

Blue Ticket