Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 03:41:39 -0800
From: K_Magic <k_magic@prodigy.net>
Subject: Beyond What Is - Chapter Fifteen

Author's Notes:  My apologies for taking so long with this chapter.
I have no excuse cept for it's my nature as a "Slacker". Thanks to
all the people who have written telling me to get off my lazy ass and
get writing...you are my inspiration.  I know... coughbullshitcough.
But I love ya anyways.

Disclaimer:  This is all fiction....fiction I tell ya.

Send any comments to:  k_magic@prodigy.net


---------------------------
Beyond What Is - Chapter 15
---------------------------


As we reached the steps, Jay stopped with his foot right above the
first step.  Lance rubbed his back and Jay looked back at us.

"I can't do this..."

"Jay...move your ass...now."

"Kyle, I can't."

"Why?"

"What if....what if he doesn't like me."

"What the fuck are you talking about...He's your father Jay...you
didn't see his face last night...I did and believe me, you could
look like Britney Spears and he wouldn't care."

"I just...."

"Jay you have exactly 3 seconds to move your ass or else."

"Kyle...I can't...I just can't." He said looking at me and then back
at the door that lead to his father.

I grabbed Lance's arm and pulled him away from Jay.  As Lance fell
into place next to me, my foot went up and kicked Jay right in the
ass.  He went flying forward landing on the steps infront of him,
catching himself before his face hit the deck.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"

"I told you to move your ass or else...now get up and start walking."

"You are such an asshole Kyle."

"And I love you too...Now fucking get up and walk up those steps and
meet your father."

Jay got up with the help of Lance and took a deep breath and started
walking up the steps.

"I can't believe you let him kick me in the ass...some boyfriend
you are."

"Hey, if he didn't do it, I would have."

"You guys suck so bad."

"That isn't what you were saying this morning." Lance said with this
stupid grin on his face.

As we reached the top of the steps, the door opened and Sylvia walked
out.  Jay looked up at her and she smiled at him.

"How are you this morning Jason?"

"I'm good."

As he said this he looked up into her eyes and then ran the few steps
in-between them and pulled her into a hug.  The sound of him sobbing
and the sight of Sylvia stroking the back of his head filled my heart.
JC wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulders
as I reached out and took Lance hand in mine and squeezed it.  He
looked back at me and with tears falling down his cheeks, he smiled
at me.

They finally broke the hug and just stood their holding hands looking
into each other's eyes.  Sylvia placed her hand on Jay's cheek and
smiled at him.

"I've missed you more that you'll ever know...My sweet sweet baby."

Jay looked up and closed his eyes.  Tears were streaking down his
cheeks as Sylvia lean up and kissed him on the cheek.  A movement
caught my eye and I looked towards the door.  Jared was standing
in the door way with Lee standing behind him in the same positions
Josh was with me.

"Come in and meet your father."

She slipped her arm around his waist and patted his side.  He opened
his eyes and wiped the tears off his face.  He put his arm around
Sylvia and they turned around.  Jay stopped dead in his tracks as
he came face to face with Jared.

A few seconds of silence and of Jay and Jared staring at each other
was broken by Jared.

"Hello Jason."

Jay stood there staring at him.  His hand went up and wiped the tears
out of his eyes, but they kept flowing out.  The two of them stood
there looking at each other in silence.  They looked so much like each
other, more like brothers than parent-child.

"Well damn, this is going to take all day. I didn't slave over the
stove this morning to have my breakfast ruined by these two.  If you
guys are hungry, the food is on the table.  Come on in."

Sylvia let go a Jay and walked passed Jared and Lee through the door,
motioning us to follow.  Still father and son stood staring at each
other.  Lee walked out from behind Jared and over to where the three
of us were standing.

"Good morning Kyle."

He said as he drew me into a hug.

"Morning Lee, I would like you to meet Josh and this blonde guy is
Lance...Jay's boyfriend."

"It's nice to meet you both." He said shaking both their hands and
looking at them with a strange look on his face.

"What wrong Lee?" I asked as he continued to look back and forth
between Josh and Lance.

"You're kidding me right...both of you...I mean I can see Lance...
but JC too."

"Hey, what do you mean by that?" Lance said with a hurt look on
his face.

"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that...I just meant that,
well, I had a feeling about you, but I figured JC for being straight.

"I take it you know who we are." Josh said with a smirk on his face.

"Well yeah, Lee dragged me to your concert a while back." Jared voice
came from behind Lee, surprising us all.

"Really...what city?"  Lance asked as he walked over to Jay and wrapped
his arms around Jay's waist. Jay was still looking at the spot that
Jared had just left as he moved slightly towards us.

"Las Vegas, that's where we live."

"Cool, now if you will excuse us for a sec."  Lance said and he took
Jay by the shoulders and led him off the deck and down onto the beach.
We watched in silence and Lance led him down near the water and they
sat down facing each other.

"I guess that didn't go as good as I wanted it to."

"Give him a chance Jared. Put yourself in his shoes. I saw the pictures
in your mother's house.  You grew up in a complete and loving household.
Jay didn't...There was someone missing in his life.  And now after all
these years, and a few days after the most important person in his life
died, that person shows up. Just imagine how you would react if the one
person in this world that should have been there though out your life
is standing infront of you saying Hello."

"I'm sorry....I...."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing too...I think that maybe
you should take your ass down there and start your introduction to
your son over again."

Jared looked at me and then turned to Lee.

"Hey...don't look at me...I agree with Kyle."

He looked at me and then out to where Jay and Lance were sitting and
then started down the steps.

"Good luck Hun....Come on guys, lets get inside and grab some grub
before Sylvia starts trippin' on us."

As we entered the house, I turned to close the door.  Jared had reached
Jay and Lance and was standing there with his hands in his pockets.  I
could see his lips moving, but they were too far away to be heard. I
stood and watched as Jay stood up and grabbed him into a hug.  As they
stood there hugging, tears started flowing out of my eyes.  I don't
think I could ever express in word how I felt at that moment.  Happy
does not even come close to how I felt for Jay right then.

I felt an arm slip over my shoulder and down my chest, and then pull
me back until I was against a body.

"Sweet" Josh whispered in my ear.

I nodded and turned around until we were face to face.  He leaned
forward and our lips met for a quick kiss.  As our lips parted, his
hand went to the back of my neck and he pulled my head forward until
our forehead were up against each other.  I focused my eyes and my
gaze was met with his and I was lost again.  How could this person
have such an affect on me.  How did I let him get so deep into my
heart.  A dull pounding started in my head, beginning at the spot
of the bump from earlier this morning.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing Josh, just a headache."

He ran his hand through my hair and as his hand hit the bump, he
facial features changed.

"God Kyle, what happened?"

"It's just a bump, I kinda hit my head against something. It's
nothing."

He bend my head down and kisses it where the bump was.

"Oh now that made it feel a whole lot better."

"Shut up...I was being nice...asshole."  He grinned at me with
that smile that made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.

No one had ever made me feel the way that Josh made me feel.
It was like I was complete for the first time in my life.

"I love you Josh."  Came out of my mouth without it even
registering in my brain first.  I could feel my face turn
completely red as I looked down at my feet.

"I love you too." He said as he pulled me up to him and lifted
my chin with his finger.  He lean over and kissed me.

The pounding in my head and a nagging feeling of what was to
happen during our pending conversation, brought my lips to a
halt.  He backed away from me and he had a look on his face
as if he was saying "What?" without speaking.

"Come on guys, breakfast is getting cold."  Came a yell from
the kitchen.

"Later...K?"

He nodded, but it did nothing to put a happier look on his face.
He turned and walked toward the kitchen with me following right
behind him.

When we reached the kitchen, Sylvia was placing the last of the
food on the table and Lee was looking out the window at the scene
out on the beach.

"Grab a seat guys and dig in...Come on Lee. Come eat.  Don't worry
about them, they will be in soon enough."

As we sat down, Lee turned and walked towards the table wiping his
tear filled eyes.  Sylvia was pouring orange juice and we started
to fill our plates with the spread Sylvia had cooked up.

"Sylvia, you shouldn't have gone through all this trouble...you
must have been up since dawn."

"You don't worry about me...this is the first time I've got to
cook for my grandson.  I would have flown to France if he wanted
french toast."

"You should have woke me Sylvia, I would have helped you."

"No, it's fine Lee. I know you were up half the night with Jared.
Now start eating or I will start laying the guilt on ya."

We all smiled and started eating as Sylvia sat down and served
herself some food.

"How are you doing this morning Kyle, it looks like a night's sleep
did you good."

"I'm good Lee, thanks for asking."

"If you don't mind me asking, where did you two meet?"  Lee said,
looking back and forth between me and Josh.

"Basically we met through Jay. Kyle came to see Jay after our show in
Oakland.  But I saw him out in the audience at the Oakland concert and
I knew at that moment that he was the person I was meant to be with."

He had taken my hand into his and looked at me while he was saying this.
I couldn't look into his eyes, I was frozen.  My heart was beating fast
and the pounding in my head felt like someone was hitting each of my
temples with their fist.

"That is awesome, I mean to be able to see a person and immediately
know that is the one for you...It's funny how fate works.

My hand never responded to his and I felt him let go of my hand.  The
sound of the door opening interrupted the silence.  We looked up and
Lance walked in the door and closed it behind him.

"I was sent in here to get something to eat. They wanted to be alone."

"Come one hunny, sit down right here." Sylvia said as she poured
another glass of orange juice and set it down where Lance was sitting
down.

"How are thing going out there?"

"It's going good Josh.  Once they got passed the awkwardness of the
situation.  Jared told us everything that happened in the past and
asked for Jay's forgiveness.  Jay told him that there was nothing
for him to forgive, that the past is the past and that it was time
for them to move on."

"Jay sounds like a smart guy."

We all nodded at Lee's comment as Lance started to serve himself some
food.

"Wow...I wish we could get this kind of food on the road." Lance said
as he sat down.

"Yeah, I know...Hey Sylvia, do you want to come on the road with us?"

"What are you talking about Josh...you can't even wake up in time
for breakfast most days."

"Shut up Lance."

"It must be hard for you boys out on the road."

"Yeah it is Sylvia...I miss my family and friends, home cooking, being
able just to sit infront of the tv and most of all I miss Jay...That is
the hardest to deal with day in and day out."

The room started to spin and the conversation was fading. All I could
hear was the pounding in my head.

"How do you handle that Lance?  I can not imagine being separated from
Jared like that."

"I just take it one day...."

I was staring down at my plate, but not seeing anything...I was sitting
there with talk going on all around me, but I couldn't hear a word of
it.  I felt something on my shoulder, I turned to the left and Josh
had his hand on my shoulder.  He had a concerned look on his face and
his mouth was moving....I blinked my eyes really hard, opened them
and....

"...Kyle...are you ok....Kyle...answer me...."

Everyone had stopped talking and all their eyes were on me.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling all that great right now."

I got up and walked out of the kitchen.  I could hear Josh and Lance
calling out my name, but I kept walking. I opened the door and ran.
As I jumped off the deck, I nearly bowled Jay and Jared over, but
kept running.  I could hear Jay yelling out my name, but ignored him.
I could hear Josh and Lance calling my name as they ran out of the
door.  I made it back to the house and went in and walked into the
family room.  I put my palms up to my temples, closed my eyes and
started pacing back and forth.  I couldn't think...all I could hear
was a thousand voices screaming in my head.  I felt like I was in
pain, but there was no pain.  Then there was silence and my body came
to stop.

I opened my eyes only to find myself staring straight into Josh's eyes.
Those eyes that pierced into my soul...those eyes that I was forever
lost in...those eyes connected to Josh.  I fell to my knees, never
breaking eye contact.  Josh fell to his knees infront of me and grabbed
hold of my shoulders.

"Kyle?"  He said breaking the silence.  He face was contorted and he
had a look of confusion and pain on his face.

"I'm....I'm sorry Josh...I..."

"Kyle...what is going on...tell me the truth god damn it...NOW."

His fingers were digging into my shoulders and he was shaking me.

"Josh...Please let go and stop shaking me, then I will talk."

"Sorry...It's just that you scared me Kyle...You kinda freaked there
for a second.  I'm worried about you."

"There is nothing to worry about Josh.  I'm fine."

"Then what going on Kyle?"

"It's just...I'm not strong Josh...I'm not Jay...I can't do it."

"What are you talking about?"

"This...you and I...It won't work Josh...I love you too much to let
this go any farther."

"You're kidding right...you can't be serious."

"I'm dead serious Josh.  I am not strong enough to be in a relationship
with me in San Jose and you travelling the world.  There is too much
going against us and I can't handle it."

"Then come with me...I can..."

"Don't even finish that sentence Josh.  Do you know how that would make
me feel.  I have a life...a job...family...and they are all in San Jose,
not on a tour bus hanging onto your coat tails."

"I'm sorry Kyle...I didn't mean it like that.  So what you're saying is
that we...you and I are through."

I nodded.

"I'm sorry Josh.  You don't know how much this is tearing me up inside."

"You can't be serious Kyle...You can't be...I mean I'm scared too, but
I'm willing to make a go of it...Can't we just give it a try Kyle...
please...just to see."

"Josh...I'm already too much in love with you as it is...I don't think
I could handle falling deeper in love with you and then finding out
it won't work.  I told you...I'm not strong."

"Are you sure you just aren't scared."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Scared...to admit that you are in love with me."

"Josh...I admit that I love you...I love you more than I have ever
loved anyone in my life."

"I don't mean it like that...I mean to your family..to your friends...
Scared to live your life as a gay man."

"I admit it...I'm scared as hell where all those are concerned.  But
those are things that I will handle when the time comes.  What I can't
handle is having my heart attached to you and you not being there. Not
being there in my arms at night.  Not being there to look at, to stare
into your eyes during dinner.  Not being there to talk to...to hear
about how your day went.  Not being there for me to yell at...to fight
with...to make up with.  Not being there period."

"Then I'll quit. We've laid down enough tracks for the album.  After
it's release, I will quit...Hell I'll quit right now."

"Fuck...are you kidding me.  Josh...I would never ask you to do that."

"You're not asking.  It's my decision...and I quit."

"Oh no the fuck you won't.  There is no way that I would let you leave
the one thing in this life that makes you happy.  And if you ever
loved me at all, you will never say something like that again."

"Then what...What can I do to show you that we are worth all the shit
that we will have to endure to be together.  Tell me Kyle and I will
do it."

"I know you would...but I've made up my mind Josh."

"Just like that...You come into my life and steal my heart, then when
things get tough, you rip it out and stomp all over it."

I reached up with my hand and place it on his cheek.

"I'm sorry Josh...Just know that I love you...I love you more than any
thing in this world."

I leaned over and our lips met. The feeling that I felt the first
time we kissed came back to me.  I felt my resolve fading.  His hand
came up and started to run through my hair. I wanted him in my life
more than anything. I would have taken back every word I had just
said if I could only stay in his arms. I could see everything fading
in the distance, like driving into a tunnel and looking backwards. All
that I knew to be true was fading like a dot of white light as I moved
into the darkness.  Then in a flash, it all came back to me.  My hand
went up to the back his head and I broke the kiss.  I pulled his head
forward so that our foreheads were touching.

"I'm sorry Josh."

I got up and walked out of the house, not looking back.  I started to
walk down the beach. My pace grew faster and faster until I was running.
On Sylvia's deck, Jay, Lance, Jared and Lee were standing there and Jay
was calling my name and started to run after me.  I kept running, but I
was not match for Jay.  Eventually, he caught up to me and tackled me.
I went flying down, landing face first into the sand.

"Track four years remember." He said breathing hard as he sat up

"And they call me the asshole." I said as I sat up next to him and
looked out to the ocean

"Mind telling me what the fucks going on in that small little mind of
yours.  As if I don't have enough shit to deal with today."

"I'm all talked out Jay."

"And you think that is going to keep me from making you talk."

"It's over...me and Josh."

"Why?"

"Because."

His hand hit me on the back of the head.

"Ouch...fuckin you better stop with the physical crap or else pansy
boy."

The next thing I knew, he had taken his finger and flicked my earlobe.
It wouldn't have been so painful except for the fact that it was
freezing cold from the weather and me running.  Before he could lower
his hand, I grabbed it and was on top of him pounding his shoulder
with my fist.  I got in about 5 punches, before he grabbed my wrist
had me on my back.  He climbed ontop of me and pinned my arms down.

"That was pretty weak fruitcake...now start talking."

I smiled up at him and brought my legs up over his head and threw him
off me.  I was ontop of him with his arm twisted behind his back.

"Twenty-three years of Shell as my sister...remember."

"Ok...ok you win."

I let go of his arm and got off of him.  I moved back to were I was
sitting and went back to looking out at the ocean.  He sat up next
to me and we sat there in silence.

"Why does life have to suck so much...Why?...I finally meet the one
person that I could spend the rest of my life with and be happy with
and it can't be."

"It can be Kyle...you just won't let it...You just won't let yourself
be happy."

"Everything comes so easy for you Jay.  It doesn't work that way for
the rest of the world."

"Easy? What the fuck does that mean.  You think I don't have to work
my ass off for everything that I have.  Well sorry to burst your
bubble, but I do.  I've worked damn hard to get what I have.  Lance
and I have gone through hell and we still have a lot to go through
before we get to the point of pure happiness that you envision and
expect instantly in your relationship. You know, people just don't
meet, fall in love and live happily ever after.  You have to work
hard at it...put your blood, sweat and tears into it...throw your
heart out and hope for the best...just for the hopes of an illusion
of happiness. Damn Kyle, grow up."

"That isn't what I meant...I mean...Hell, I don't know what I'm talking
about.  All I know is that I love him with all my heart and with that
love, I've gotta let him go....It's for the best."

I stood up and started to walk away from Jay and farther away from
all that I wanted so much in life.

"You are so fuckin stubborn Kyle." Jay yelled from behind me.

I just kept walking and he let me go.  I don't know how long I walked,
but some time later, I found myself sitting on this rock formation
that lead out some into the ocean.  I was sitting on the very end
part that was about 30 feet above the pounding of the waves.  There
I sat for I don't know how long.  Looking back towards the house,
there was nothing.  It was too far away to be seen.

The sun was starting to dip into the horizon and all I could picture
is Josh getting on that airplane in LA and leaving my life forever.
I buried my face in my hands and started to cry.  All my tears had
abandoned me all day up until that point, but now they were flowing.
All of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder and someone pulling me
into a hug. I leaned against a shoulder and kept crying.