Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 15:15:32 -0700
From: K_Magic@Prodigy.Net
Subject: Beyond What Is - Chapter Five

Author's note:

I just want to take this opportunity to extend my personal
Thanks to everyone that has written to me.  And for those
special few, who check my webpage frequently and caught me
posting a chapter without proof reading it.  I thank you
for pointing it out and not holding it against me.  I just
wish that my past English teachers were as forgiving.
Oh and for those of you that have written expressing concern
over all the cliff hangers, sorry to do this to you but....

Peace to you all.

Disclaimer:  <18 bad
             >18 good
	     (No offense to the young-uns')

And for all those reading this that haven't written me yet...
What the hell are you waiting for....write me damn it.

	k_magic@prodigy.net



-----------------------------
Beyond What Is - Chapter Five
-----------------------------


"Mom, I'm really not in the mood to be playing your 'I know something, but
I'm going to question Kyle until he tells me' game.  For one thing, I just
met Josh the other day so there isn't any bad feeling between us that I
know of...If that is what you are thinking"

I resumed drying the dishes, hoping that's what she was thinking.

"I don't know, it's not so much bad feelings I sense...it's more of a
tension between you two."

"Well, like I said...I just met him and with Jane's passing away and all,
my mind is not fully functioning right now. Josh is a great guy for coming
out to support Jay like this.  I have no problems with him."

I kept my eyes on the dish I was drying as she continued to stare at me.
I felt like I was 8 years old again and she was grilling me about the
missing dollar off her dresser that she knew I took but wanted me to admit
it.  Which to this day I still deny taking.  You know, you say things long
enough you even start believing it yourself.  That was the only time I've
ever lied to my parents.  Well, actually that I will admit too.

"Ok Ky, but if there's anything you need to talk about...I'm here....And
JAY...you're welcome to come into the room instead of eavesdropping from
the doorway."

"How do you do that Mom, I know I didn't make a sound."

"Oh please boy, I've had you two in my hair since you were kids.  I can
sense when you're near."

Jay walked up to her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Thanks for everything Mom, but if you'll excuse me and Ky we have some
people to pick up at the airport....oh and if it's ok, Lance and Josh are
going to stay here.  Kellie has Lance tied up in deep conversation about
Justin and Dad and Shell have Josh tied up in a game of Rummy."

"Poor guys, I'll go save them."

"Don't bother Mom, they can't come with us anyways.  They might get spotted
at the airport and plus, this way we only have to take one car.  After we
pick them up, we can swing by the house and drop their luggage off before
coming back here to pick up Lance and Josh."

"Let's go then, Jay."  I said, trying my best not to sound like I wanted
the hell out of there.

"We'll see you later Mom."

"Ok Jay...and Ky, I still would like to continue this conversation."

I rolled my eyes and I walked out of the room.

"You owe me one."

"Big time." I replied as we walked out into the family room.

"Hey Lance, me and Ky are going to pick up the guys at the airport.  Are
you and Josh going to be ok here?"

They both nodded and resumed what they were doing before we entered.  They
looked like they were enjoying themselves just doing normal things with
normal people.  We walked out the door and got into the car and headed to
the airport.  The car was silent for about 5 minutes.

"So what did Mom have to say?" Jay said, breaking the silence.

"I don't know, she is just in one of her let's fuck with Kyle moods."

"She's not stupid you know, she was watching you all during dinner. And you
obviously had your mind on other things....and by that, I mean Josh."

"Damn....I can't handle this Jay...I don't know what's up with me.  When
I'm near him, my eyes are just drawn to him."

"Well, he's one fine looking guy you know."

"Jay, that is not helping me."

"Sorry, but if you don't want the world knowing you have feelings for him,
you better get your shit together.  Acting like a little school girl with
a crush tends to show just how you feel towards him."

"This is all your fault, you know...You had to go and fall for that Albino
freak...If it wasn't for you, I would have a nice normal life right now."

"Don't you dare try to place the blame on me Kyle...I am not the one
that went into that bathroom a heterosexual man and came out a Josh
lovin' confuse-oid....only to get fucked up the ass while saying I love
my girlfriend."

"Fuck you Jason."

I was staring straight ahead as I pulled up to the stop light to turn into
the airport.  My hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly and my teeth
were clenched.  As the light turned green, a pain shot through my chest.

"FUUUUCK."

Jay was laughing as he sat there twisting the shit out of my nipple.  As I
moved my hand to protect my nipple, he let go.  He was laughing so hard he
couldn't breath and his legs were kicking out at the floorboard of the car.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR ASSHOLE."

"Just...thought the mood was a little too serious.  pffff hahahaha."

"Fuckin jerk, that fuckin hurt...Is that your little love pinch that gets
Lance all horny?"

"Why did it get you all hot."

HONK HONK

"I think the light's green Ky."

"I'm going...I'm going....damn...my nipple is still stinging.  I'm going to
be black and blue asshole."

"Awww, do you want me to kiss it for you."

"No, you would like that too much.  Plus, then I would have some Albino
freak green with jealousy stalking my ass."

I turned into the parking garage and parked the car.  I started to open
the door, but Jay grabbed my arm.

"Ky, your mom only wants what is best for you.  Enjoy the fact that you have
your mom still.  Don't wait until she's gone to figure out that you actually
do need her in your life."

I nodded and patted his hand that was still resting on my arm.

"Jay, I'm sorry if dinner tonight was a little too much for you to handle.
I know watching the family together like that really got to you.  I saw it
in your face before you went outside."

"Don't worry about it, I love you guys more than you'll ever know.  I don't
know what got into me...it's just at that point, something hit me and I felt
all my emotions about to burst and I had to get out of there.  It all went
away after Lance took me into his arms."

"He's a good man."

"Yeah...he is...Now lets get going before the guy have to wait for us and
are noticed."

I got out of the car and met Jay at the back of the next car.

"Ky...I just want to thank you for everything.  You're so special to me and
I appologize for everything I said earlier."

"It's not a prob, you know I don't take anything you say serious...after
all, everyone know that the combine IQ of all models equals the sum of the
temperatures of Alaska and Siberia...in winter."

He smiled and pulled me into a hug.  I put my hand around him and pulled him
tight against me and leaned my head down.  I put my mouth against in neck and
sucked hard against the skin.  I held him tight as he tried to get loose.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He yelled as he finally pushed away.

I wiped my mouth and smiled at him.

"Explain that to Albino boy...fuckin' my tit still hurts."

"I won't have to, he trusts me...what ever I say he will believe...
it's called love, brother."

"We'll see."

He stood there with his mouth open rubbing the spot on his neck that was
starting to turn dark red.

"You are such an ass, you know that right?" He said as I took off running.
He stood there still in shock.

I entered the airport terminal and ran down the ramp until I got close to
the check point.  I slowed down and pulled out everything in my pockets,
dumped them in the bowl and went through.  I stood there on the other side
as Jay came running down the ramp.  As he started through, the buzzer went
off.

"Excuse me sir, can you please empty your pockets?"

Jay pulled everything out of his pockets and they ran the metal detector
over him.

"Ok, thank you sir...oh and sir, this is not a play ground.  Please act like
a grown up or I will have you removed."

Jay nodded and grabbed his wallet and keys from the bowl and walked up to me.

"God, I can't believe that I'm friends with such an ass.   I will get you
back for that."

"Hey, you started this...and you know that I always end things, so you better
stop while you only have the hickey to explain to loverboy."


Being that it was Saturday night, the airport was pretty dead.  We waited
for their flight, which arrived a few minutes later.  The guys were the
first ones off the plane and Jay waved them over.  They were all dressed
down and were all wearing beanies.  As they approached, they all had very
somber faces on.  Justin walked up to Jay first and put his arms up to give
him a hug.

"Jay...I'm so...."

Jay put his hands up.

"No..no..no...I don't want to hear the sorry word out of any of you.  I've
heard that word enough the last two day, I don't want to hear it anymore...
Now come here and give me a hug."

Justin was first, followed by Chris, then Joey and last was Kenny.

"How are you doing Jay?"

"Kenny, I said none of that...Please...I'm fine and I want to keep my
emotions in check for at least a few hours today.  Hey, you guys all
remember my friend Kyle right?"

They all nodded as they stuck out their hands.  I gave them all a slide
and shake and said hey.  Justin stood there just glaring at me as I turned
to Kenny.

"So Kenny, what's up with that...you should have been here yesterday...What
the hell kind of boyfriend are you any ways."  I said glaring at him, trying
not to laugh.

He looked at me and then at Jay.

"I thought...I...Jay...uh...He knows...doesn't he."

"I know that instead of you coming here for support, you sent two members
of your musical group...man, that was not cool."

Jay was about to lose it and turned his back and walked away, starting to
laugh.

"Look what you're doing to him man..."

Kenny had this look on his face like he was a lost little boy.  Justin, Joey
and Chris had already caught on, and started walking away after Jay.

"Kyle, I though you knew...Jay didn't tell you....Kyle, I'm not Jay's
boyfriend."

"Excuse me, how can you stand there and talk like that. I can't beleive you."

"I...I...."

"KYLE....KNOCK IT OFF...COME ON, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE." Jay yelled.

I smiled at Kenny and ran across the terminal, while Kenny stood there with
his mouth open.  I caught up with the guys, who stood there shaking their
heads at me.  Kenny came walking up to us and punched me in the shoulder.

"I must say, you are truly something Kyle."

"Sorry Kenny, but I had to do it.  I couldn't help myself."

"Come on Kenny, that was so funny." Chris said holding up his hand for a
high five.

I high fived him and held out my hand to Kenny."

"We cool?"

He took my hand and shook it.

"We're cool.  Now I know who not to get on the bad side of, man that was
harsh."

"Now we know where Jay gets it from." Joey said as we walked out of the
terminal into the parking garage.

"No way...who do you think I learned it from.  Don't let him fool you with
his boy next door act.  Ask anyone, when I was young I was a quiet and shy
kid.  Then I met Jay and boom I became this total asshole, as everyone puts
it.  Mom still curses the day we became friends.  Her little angel died that
day."

We threw the luggage into the trunk and we all pilled into the car, Justin,
Joey, Chris and Kenny squished into the back and Jay got into the front.

"Sorry, I know my car isn't the biggest."

"Not a problem Kyle, we've been squeezed in much smaller places." Joey said
closing the door.

"I just hope we can make it to Jay's house without being pulled over."


"Well Kyle, just to let you know...we've experienced Jay and his asshole
streak first hand.  God it still makes me laugh...that first morning when
Lance and Jay woke us up.  Man, they scared the shit out of me."

"Yeah Chris and remember what they did to Justin."

"JOEY" Jay yelled.

"What...they didn't do anything to me, they just banged on the door."

Joey and Chris started laughing.

"Joey...Chris, don't you dare."

"Come on Jay, we can't keep it a secret from him forever."

"No way guys, leave it be."

"What secret are you guys talking about...What did Lance and Jay do to me
that I don't know about...Tell me."

"Don't look at me Justin, I don't know anything about this."

"No, Justin, Kenny doesn't know about it.  Just Jay, Lance, Joey, Josh and
me...Are you sure you want to know."

"Spill it Chris."

"Justin, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Jay, I want to know what you two did to me...Now someone start talking."

"Ok, but I'll start from the beginning so Kenny and Kyle know the whole
story."

"Shit"  Jay whispered to himself.

Chris started telling us the story of the morning after Lance and Jay's
first night together, how they were woken up.  Chris was woken up by Lance
screaming about him sleeping with a stranger and Jay laying next to him
speaking up in a deep voice so Chris would think he slept with a man.  Then
he told us about how they went to Joey's room, but Joey had heard what
happened to Chris.  So he tried his own game on them, but it backfired.
Then Chris looked at Justin.

"Are you sure you want me to continue."

"Yes, I want to know what happened."

"Well, remember how you woke up that morning and you said you found ice on
your bed....Well, Jay and Lance had gone into your room with ice and were
rubbing it on your nipples....Are you sure you want everyone to hear this?"

"Chris, I think you should stop...it's not going to be very funny."

"Continue Chris."

Well, they were rubbing ice on your nipples when....well you kinda started
stroking yourself...I guess the ice got you all excited Curly."

Chris and Joey started laughing as I looked in the rear view mirror at Justin
and his face was white and he had this blank look on his face.  I felt for
the guy.

Joey stopped his laughing.

"Yeah Justin, and remember all that talk about Lance having an ice fetish...
well that was just a cover up story that Jay made us stick too so you
wouldn't be embarrassed.  Poor Lance had to sit there letting you believe
that he gets off on ice, when it's actually you that has the ice fetish."

He started laughing again.

"Justin, I'm sorry...it was just a joke." Jay said turning around to look
at Justin.

Justin's face was now red and he had his arms crossed over his chest and his
lip pouted out.  The car went quiet as we pulled into Jay's driveway.  We
all got out and grabbed the guy's luggage.  Jay opened the house and they
put all their luggage into the house as Jay grabbed the keys to Jane's car.

"We'll have to take two cars to pick up Lance and Josh, who's coming with me?"

Joey and Chris looked at Justin and ran behind Jay.  Kenny looked at Justin
too, and followed Joey and Chris.

"Well, um Justin, I guess it just you and me."

He got into the passenger seat as I started up the car and we headed out.  It
was quiet for a minute and then the silence was broken by Justin.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure Justin...What do you want to know?"

"Do you love him?"

"Excuse me."

"Josh, do you love him."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Come on, I'm not stupid.  Josh is my best friend and I can see what's
been going on, even if no one is saying anything."

I didn't say anything as I kept driving and looking forward.

"I just want to know if you love him...you know you hurt him...you hurt him
bad.  I've never seen him like he was after that day we met you.  How could
you do that to someone."

"Justin...I....I don't know what to say."

"Either you love him or you don't, it's not that hard you know."

"You don't know me, or my life Justin...it's not as easy as you think, to
admit that you have feeling for someone who the world says you can't have
feeling for."

"Kyle, it's not like I approve of the lifestlye that Josh and Lance lead,
but they are my friends and all I wish is for their happiness.  Lance has
found a very special person to share his life.  All I wish is for Josh to
find the same.  I'm sure that all the people in your life only wish the
same for you....Do you get what I'm saying?"

I nodded as I looked over at him.  He was staring straight ahead and he had
a tear running down his cheek.  I couldn't believe I was being told about
life by this young guy.  I turned down my parent's street and as I pulled
up to my parent's house, Justin wiped the tears out of his eyes.  Jay was
already parked and the guys were walking up to the door.  I parked and
Justin and I got out of the car and walked up to the door.  As we walked in,
Jay was already introducing everyone to eachother.

"And Kell, I would like you to meet Justin....Justin, this is Kyle's niece
Kellie."  Jay looked at Justin and then looked at me with a questioning look.

"H...Hi J...J...Justin....is..is there something wrong?"

"No Kellie, everythings good...I just had something in my eye.  I'm so
happy to met you.  They tell me you are my biggest fan."

Kell nodded as she stood there with a big smile on her face and her whole
body shaking.

"Hello Justin, I'm Kyle's mother...you look like you need some time to
freshen up.  The bathroom is down the hall, first door on the right."

"Thank you." Justin said as he shook my mother's hand and then walked down
the hallway.

"Are any of you guy hungry?...we have plenty of food left over."

The guys all shook their head.

"No thanks Mom, we've got to get going.  The guys are probably tired and we
have some stuff to do tomorrow."

"Ok Jay, but we packed some food up of you to take with you incase you guys
get hungry later."

"Thank Mom."  Jay said as he walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek.
"You're the greatest...even if Ky doesn't think so."

"Thanks Jay...you know you are my favorite son."

"Ok...I'm leaving now, this is making me ill." I said as I glared at the two
of them.

"You know I'm only playin with you Ky...you're my favorite son."

"Child?"

She looked over at Shell and smiled.

"Yes, my favorite child.  Are you happy now."

I nodded as Shelly walked over to me and slapped the back of my head.

"Just remember Mom...who has given you a sweet grandchild and who has given
you two cats."  Shell said as she wrapped her arms around Kellie.

Justin walked into the room and Kellie untangled herself from Shell's arms.

"Mom...knock it off. Gesh."

Justin walked up to Kellie and put his arms around her shoulder.

"Hey Kell, did the guys tell you that on Monday we will be recording one of
our new songs at a studio in San Francisco...I would love for you to be my
guest."

Her eyes flew wide open as she started to shake again.

"MMmmmommmm...pppplease....can I please Mom...please."

"Kell, I don't know...you might be in the way."

"No she won't, I will personally make sure that she has a good time and
watch out for her."  Josh said walking up to Kellie and putting his hand
on her shoulder.

"Thank you Josh."

I sat there staring at this scene infront of me.  It was like Josh was some
long time friend of the family, not someone they had just met a few hours
ago.

"Hey, we got to get going." Jay said picking up the box of stuff my mother
had packed up for him.  And no way was it just left overs from dinner.  She
must have packed a weeks worth of food too.

"It was nice meeting all you boys." My mother said as she went around hugging
all the guys.  When she got to Josh, she put her hand on his cheek.

"You are such a sweet boy...I really enjoyed our talk."  She kissed him on
the cheek and gave him a hug.

"Thanks Mom, I enjoyed it too.  Oh and thanks for showing us all of
the pictures.  Lance and I really enjoyed that."

I was just watching in amazement, not believing my ears.  Josh went up to
Shelly and gave her a hug and kiss and shook my father's hand.  I looked at
Jay and he just shrugged.

As we walked out the door, Lance was telling Jay what a cute little boy
he was and that Mom had given him some pictures of Jay when he was a kid.
This, Jay was not liking too much.

"Jay, what's that mark on your neck?"

"I'll tell you later Lance.  Trust me...it's nothing."

"I don't know Lance, when we were at the airport, Jay went the the restroom.
He was in there for about 15 minutes and then came out with that mark on
his neck, it kinda reminds me of a hickey...what do you think?"

"Shut up Kyle."

"Jay?"

"Lance...Trust me, I will tell you later ok."

"Ok."

"See Kyle...trust."

Justin walked up to Jay and whispered something in his ear and Jay nodded.
We put the box of food in the trunk of Jay's car and the guys all climbed
in.  I was walking over to my car with Justin following me.

"Hey Josh, there's no room in Jay's car...come over here and join us."
Justin yelled across the yard.

Josh walked over and Justin jumped into the backseat.  Josh got into
the passenger seat as I started the car.

"Hold up a sec." Justin said as he jumped out of the car and ran over to
Jay's car.  The backseat door opened and Justin jumped in as Jay's car
took off.

"Gee, I guess that's a hint...huh."

I turned to Josh as he said that and smiled.  "You think."

I put the car into drive and pulled away from my parents house.

"Ky, you have a great family.  Just being with them made me miss mine."

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself...mind if I ask you what you and my mother
talked about earlier."

"No, it's ok...she wanted to know what was up between us."

"And what did you tell her Josh."  I said just a little to loud.

"I told her that we just met and that I wish I had a friendship
with someone like you and Jay have."

"Oh..."

"Then your mother asked me if I had feeling toward you, because she felt
that you had feelings for me."

"WHAT?"

"Kyle, do you mind if we go to your place and talk about this?"

I nodded and took a turn that would take us to my place.

"What did you say to her Josh..."

"I really didn't say anything.  I didn't know what to say...I didn't even
look at her.  Then she say...That's what I thought.   I asked her what she
meant by that.  And she said that she had a feeling there was something
between us."

"Oh my god...oh my god...."

"What's wrong Ky?"

"My Mom thinks I love you?"

I pulled infront of my place and I put the car in park and turned off the
engine.  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the head rest.

"Well do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you love me as much as I love you."

I opened my eyes and looked at him...at his gorgeous face...at his beautiful
eyes.

"I...I...."

He put his finger up to my lips and then traced it up my cheeks until all
his fingers were caressing my cheek.  He leaned forward and brought his
lips up to mine and started lightly kissing them.  My body went limp as he
put his hand behind my head and drew me towards him.  My eyes closed as I
gave into the kiss.  His lips parted and lightly sucked on my lower lip.
As my lips parted, his tongue came out and he ran it along my lips.  My
tongue slowily came out and met his.  We ran our tongue against eachother
as we continued to kiss.  It was the most passionate kiss I have ever
experienced.  My head was swimming as he eased up and ended the kiss.  I
opened my eyes and he was looking me straight in the eyes.

"I love you Kyle."

"I love you too Josh."

"Let's go inside."

I sat there not moving.

"What's wrong Kyle?"

"I can't...I just can't Josh...I need to take you back to Jay's house...I'm
sorry...I just can't."

I stared up the car and pulled away.

"What's wrong Kyle?"

"I don't know, Josh...nothing...everything...I need some time to think
things through."

"Kyle.."

"Please Josh, I can't talk about it...not now."

"He nodded and we drove the rest of the way to Jay's house in silence.
As I pulled up into the drive way and stopped the car, Josh jumped out
and ran  up to the door and tried opening it.  It was locked so he started
to pound on the door.  I got out of the car.

"Josh..I..."

But the door opened and Josh ran inside.  Justin was standing in the
door way and walked out to me.

"What happened Kyle."

"Not now Justin, Please."

I turned away from him and got back into my car.  He was standing there
looking at me shaking his head as I pulled away.  I drove, not knowing
where I was going.  A million things ran through my head...Did I really
love Josh?....Was I gay?...What would everyone think of me?...Did I
disappoint Jay?...my parents?...Who was I?...Could I live my life loving
Josh?...What should I do?...What could I do?...What would I do?

The next thing I knew, it was sunrise and I was parked along Highway 1
over looking the ocean.  My car was pointing out over the cliff.  I was
in the same exact spot were I took Jay the night he told me he was going
to kill himself.  As I realized this, my thoughts went back to that
night...He had came out to everyone in his life and he felt all alone.
He needed to be loved, but couldn't find anyone.  He was in a depression
and nothing I said or did helped.  Then out of the blue he told me he
was going to kill himself.  I took him for one of our drives.  We ended
up at this cliff, my car pointing over the edge.  I told him to go
ahead and kill himself.  To step out of the car and over the cliff.
But to know that if he did, that I would follow right after him  so
I could kick is ass from here to eternity for killing my best friend.
And, that I didn't want to die, so if he cared anything about me he
wouldn't make me kill myself.

I still can't believe it worked.  He sat there for a second, pulled
me into a hug and told me to take him home.  The next day I had my
friend back.

I smiled at the memory.  I turned the key in the ignition and started the
car. I put my left foot on the brake pedal and put the car into drive and
released the emergency brake.  I put my right foot on the gas.  I started
to apply pressure to the gas pedal and the engine started to rev higher
and higher.  As I looked out over the cliff before me, I felt my left foot
easing up on the brake pedal.  A tear ran down my cheek as I pictured Jay
with Lance, the pure happiness they were enjoying in their lives.  I closed
my eyes and threw my head back against the head rest.  A calm over took me
as I opened my eyes and saw the sunlight casted over the ocean.  My
foot came off the pedal as a smile over took my face.