Date: Sat, 07 Aug 1999 13:53:55 -0700
From: Zeo <zeo@sfsu.edu>
Subject: N Sync Love pt13

Yeah it's me...Heh, I would never have expected myself to pop back up.
But I did a lot of thinking and I realized that my problems are
insignificant compared to other people's.  So what's some more minor
detail in life?  Was surprised that people were going out of their way
to help out a complete stranger...I thank you all for your love and support.

Heh..there are also those who are upset/disappointed/angry at me cause I
never replied to their e-mails.  I wouldn't know why that
is...well..could it be cause I didn't check my mail for the past 2 or so
weeks?  That could be it...or could it be cause I was laid up in the
hospital for a while...Heh, go figure.

Also...many people said that the end of the story wasn't that good.  I
looked over it and they were right...so I'd better tie up the loose ends
cause I don't want to do a half-ass job of it.

One final note before I shut up and you go on read the story, though I
guess that you just scrolled down already.   I really want to thank my
big bro for your words of wisdom and I owe you another one.  It was nice
talking to you again...Take care...


*********************

	"Any sign of him yet?" Lance asked as he looked through the
windows.
	"Not yet," Joey sighed making another turn at the corner.
	Chris looked around some more and drooped his head down, "Let's go
back home."
	"What!" Lance said shocked, "You're joking right?"
	Chris shook his head, "No...I'm not.  We should go back."
	Stunned at Chris' response, Joey parked the car next to a curb.
	"You can't just give up on Mano," Lance replied hysterically,
"What the hell are you thinking.  Don't you even care..."
	Chris cut him short, "I do care...."
	"Then why are we going back home," Joey asked calmly.
	"We've been looking around since 5 in the morning and it's already
8 PM.  None of us has eaten breakfast, lunch and now dinner."
	"But..." Lance tried to say something.
	"And you Lance," Chris put his hand on his shoulder, "Look so
fucked up today.  It looks like you didn't get any sleep at all."
	Lance dropped his head down and looked at the floor of the car, "I
was out looking for him..."
	"Shit," Joey said in surprise, "You've been up for more than 24
hours."
	Lance slowly nodded his head, "When Mano didn't come back last
night, I drove around looking for him."
	"I...I didn't know you were that close to him," Chris said softly.
	"Yeah...I still owe him one."
	"Owe him one what?" Joey inquired.
	"Uh..um..can we talk about that later?" Lance tried not to make
eye contact.
	"No we can't," Chris said, "Enough secrets," he said again
bluntly.
	A bit of silence lingered in the air.
	"Lance?" Joey asked, "Why can't you tell us?  Can't you trust us?"
	Lance looked up at them with a look of concern on his face, "I do
trust you...It's just...I can't trust myself."
	"Huh?" Joey asked dumbfounded, "You're not making sense."
	"I know that you'll be there for me cause we've been through a
lot, but..." Lance looked back down on the floor.
	"But there's this little feeling in the back of your head that
says otherwise, right?" Chris responded.
	Lance nodded his head, "Yeah..."
	"There is nothing on this planet which can change the way I look
at you," Chris tried to assure him, "No matter what happens, you're
still gonna be my friend."
	"I...I don't know," Lance stuttered out.
	"You have to trust us," Joey added, "You have to believe in
us...Please?"
	More silence lingered in the car.
	Lance took a small breath of air, "Do you remember when we were in
San Francisco and I was out of it?"
	Chris and Joey nodded his head, "Yeah...meaning?" Joey asked.
	"Well...ummm..." Lance started to lose it again.
	Chris put his hand on Lance's shoulders, "Don't do this on us,"
saying softly, "We'll still be here no matter what."
	"Umm..." Lance started to mutter out, "That's when Mano helped me
when..." Lance stopped and looked at Chris and Joey.
	Neither of them said a word and made sure that they would still be
around when Lance told them.
	"...When...when I..." Lance took a deep breath, "When I told him I
was gay..." Lance said sorrowfully.
	Chris and Joey didn't move a muscle nor did they breathe.  Never
in their imaginations would Lance turn out to be gay.  A time of silence
passed trying to figure out what to do or to think.
	Chris squeezed Lance's shoulder a little, "We're still here," a
small smile formed on his face.
	Lance looked up with tears forming in his eyes, "I..I'm sorry for
not telling you sooner...It's just...it's just..."
	"We know," Joey cut him off, "We know that you are afraid of
losing your best friend."
	"So..so you understand?" Lance asked.
	Chris nodded, "Of course we do," Joey replied, "I would be too."
	"You would?" Lance asked curiously.
	"Well...uh..um.." Joey fumbled around.
	"You're gay too?" Chris asked shocked.
	"Not...exactly..." Joey replied.
	"Huh?" Lance was in total confusion.
	"Um..I'm bi," Joey said meekly.
	"Well I'm straight," Chris added, "Who cares and does it really
matter?"
	Lance gave out a small laugh, "No...It's not supposed to."
	"Damn right it doesn't matter," Chris said with a smile, "You guys
are still the same great friends I know and care for."
	"You..you really mean it?" Lance asked.
	"Of course I do.  If I didn't...I wouldn't have said it, would I?"
	"No..I suppose not," Lance replied.
	"So..." Joey started, "Jay is..."
	Lance nodded, "Yeah...he's my boyfriend."
	Joey's heart sank a little, "Ah ok."
	"It's kinda funny in a way," Lance said.
	"How so?" Chris asked.
	"I dunno...it's pretty odd.  I have feelings for Jay, but I
dunno..." Lance rambled a little.
	"Oh..." Chris replied, "It's because you think that you're not
going to have someone to hold on to cause you're gay, right?"
	Lance looked at Chris puzzled.
	"What?" Chris giggled, "I may be straight, but I know what you're
going through.  I've been there myself."
	"Yeah..." Lance softly spoke, "It's kinda hard to figure out who's
right and who's not."
	"Don't worry about it," Chris helped Lance out, "There's still
plenty of time for you.  There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you have
to look for one type of fish."
	Lance snickered, "Yeah...I know."
	"At least we got that all cleared up," Chris said and the rest
nodded, "You're gay, I'm straight and you're greedy," Chris pointed to
Joey.
	"Me?" Joey pointed at himself, "What's that supposed to mean?"
	"Yeah you," Chris snickered, "You may have the largest selection,
but you really need to pick better ones."
	Joey rolled his eyes back, "Yeah right.  I can pick the best of
`em."
	"Not from what I've been seeing lately," Chris added, "Good thing
you like both sides."
	Lance laughed, "Ah shaddap," Joey started the car back up.
	Joey signaled and looked over his shoulder.  He slowly drove the
car back onto the street and headed towards Justin's house.
	"Thanks," Lance said, "Thanks for understanding."
	"Don't mention it," Joey replied.
	"Always remember that we'll be here for you no matter what," Chris
added.
	"I know now," Lance smiled at him.
	"In the mean time," Chris spoke up, "You'd better get some sleep."
	Lance yawned, "Yeah...I suppose."
	"And I need something to eat," Joey added, "I'm starving."
	"Sorry for dragging you guys around."
	"No don't," Chris said, "We would have probably done the same
thing."
	Joey nodded as he continued on driving.
	"You think he's okay?" Lance asked.
	"I'm sure he is," Chris assured him, "He just need time to calm
down."
	"Yeah," Joey said sorrowfully, "That was a pretty harsh thing we
did to him."
	"I was against playing the joke," Lance stated.
	"No you weren't," Chris spoke up.
	"Yes I was," Lance argued back.
	"If you weren't against it, how come you played along with the
rest of us?" Chris gave him his interrogation look.
	"Well..uh..umm," Lance mumbled out.
	"Thought so," Chris sat back down in his seat.
	
	Lance knew why he played along...cause he wanted to have fun with
JC.  Now he felt guilty and miserable for playing along with everyone.
	Joey carefully and slowly drove back to Justin's place.  Everyone
was quiet during the drive.  Each one was thinking of different things
that they did with me during the short time that we met.  Lance lazily
looked out the window staring at the buildings, trees and people go by.
Chris was in the back seat with his arms folded and eyes shut.  Joey was
carefully maneuvering the car through the semi busy roads.  They didn't
know what it was, no one really wanted to say anything.
	They finally reached Justin's house and Joey parked in the
driveway.  Everyone hopped out and noticed that the outside lights were
off.  Usually they were on at this time of night.  They really didn't
think much of it.  Everyone is probably asleep already.  The guys quietly
walked up to the front door and silently entered.  Chris peered into the
dimly lit living room and noticed that Nathan was asleep on the couch
with the TV on.

	Chris tapped Joey on the shoulder, "Shhh...Nathan's sleeping on
the couch."
	Joey nodded, "He looks pretty beat."
	"Yeah," Chris whispered, "Wonder what happened to him?"
	Joey shrugged.
	"Hey Lance," Chris whispered to him.
	"Yeah," he sleepily replied.
	"You can go ahead and sleep in my bed for the night."
	Lance looked at him puzzled, "Huh?"
	"Don't worry," Chris assured him, "I know you're really tired and
that you should get a good night's rest."
	"What about you?"
	"I'll sleep on the floor.  There's extra blankets and stuff in the
closet," Chris smiled.
	"Oh, ok," Lance getting the point, "I'll see you tomarrow morning
then."
	"Nite," Joey and Chris whispered in unison.

	They both watched Lance slowly and quietly walk up the stairs and
disappear through the door.  Once out of sight, Joey and Chris turned on
a kitchen light and sat down near a table.

	"What a day," Chris exhaled.
	"No kidding," Joey agreed, "Looking for Mano for 14 hours
straight, that is one LONG day."
	Chris stared at Joey for a bit.
	"What?" looking back confused.
	"You know what I mean," Chris snickered.
	"Oh..that..well..yeah," Joey softly answered.
	Chris giggled, "Relax Joey.  Like I said before, so what if you're
gay or bi?  You're still the same guy I know."
	Joey giggled too, "Yeah...you're right.  But still..."
	"I know, I know," Chris got up and got a glass of water, "The fear
of being rejected is pretty overwhelming."
	"Yeah," Joey sighed, "Heh, just look at what happened to Lance."
	"And to you too," Chris sipped his water.
	"Uh.."
	"You can't fool me," Chris smiled, "You were always hyper
whenever Jay was around.  I knew you wanted to do something with him."
	Joey blushed a little, "Um..was it that obvious?"
	"From the way you spend time with him..." Chris thought about it,
"Naa..."
	Joey giggled, "Oh shuttup."
	"C'mon," Chris put down his drink, "We'd better get some sleep so
we can be ready for the video shoot tomorrow."
	"Yeah," Joey sighed, "We have a long day tomorrow."
	"I'll get you some blankets and you can sleep in my room.  I'll
check to see if I could crash in Just or JC's room."
	"Thanks."
	"Anytime."

	Chris and Joey quietly crept up the stairs after turning off the
light in the kitchen.  Chris went into the hall closet and handed Joey
some blankets and a pillow.  Joey nodded and entered to Chris' room and
laid on the clean carpet.  Joey saw Lance on the bed and could see how
tired he was.  Joey didn't know how hard it was on Lance.  He felt guilty
for not helping him sooner, but now since they both knew each other's
secret hopefully they could trust in each other even more.  Joey closed
his eyes and was fast asleep on the floor.
	Chris looked through the closet again and took out a blanket.  He
headed towards JC's room and stopped for a second.  Chris looked at the
blanket and headed back down the stairs.  He went over to the couch and
saw Nathan curled up on the couch in the dim light of the lamp.  Chris
quietly unfolded the blanket and carefully wrapped it around Nathan.  He
moved slightly, but quickly snuggled into the soft material.  Chris
smiled a little and turned off the light.

	Nathan rustled a little, "Justin," he softly said.
	Chris didn't want to say anything hoping that Nathan was just
dreaming.
	A few seconds past, "Justin? Is that you?" he said again, but a
little louder.
	"No..just me, Chris," Chris softly replied.
	Nathan reached over and turned the light back on.  He squinted at
the suddenness of the bright light, "Chris...You have to take me where
Justin is."
	"Huh?  What are you saying?" Chris looked at him oddly.
	Nathan rubbed his eyes a bit, "You have to take me to Justin."
	"Why?  What happened?"
	"Justin and JC is with Mano."
	Chris just stared at Nathan, "Wha..what?"
	"Please Chris," Nathan begged, "Mano's sick...JC and Justin went
to see him in the hospital this morning.  Justin told me to stay here
and tell you where they went."
	"Mano's in the hospital?" replying slowly trying to take it all
in.
	Nathan nodded, "I know where they are.  We have to go."
	"Get yourself ready and wait for me here," Chris ordered.

	Nathan nodded and started to fix himself up.  Chris hurriedly went
back up to his room and flicked on the lights.

	"Ugh," Joey groaned, "Now what."
	"Get up Joey," Chris said rather loudly, "You too Lance," he went
over and gently shook him.
	"Why?" Joey sat up.
	"Hey Lance," Chris said louder, "Come on you log, wake up."
	Lance moved a little and slowly opened his eyes, "JC?" he softly
whispered.
	"Yo Lance," Chris said loudly, "You need to wake up."
	"Hey Chris," Joey sounded annoyed, "Why'd you wake us up."
	Lance rubbed his eyes a little and sat up, "What's going on?" he
said slowly.
	"Both of you get ready," Chris stood up, "We're going."
	"Going where?" Joey slowly got up.
	"To see Mano," Chris stated.
	"What?" Joey was in disbelief.

	Chris left the room without saying another word.  Lance was groggy
from being woken up and he really didn't understand what was going on.
Joey was in total shock.  He quickly put on his coat and shoes as well
as helping Lance to get ready.  Lance was still sleepy, but managed to
get dressed.  Joey had to help him with his shoes and coat, but managed
to get him dressed.
	Joey had his hands on Lance's shoulders and gently pushed him out
the door.  He had to do it or else Lance might fall back asleep.  Once
they started moving, Lance slowly woke up.  Lance stumbled down a few
times going down the stairs, but Joey was there to make sure that he
didn't fall.
	Once down the stairs, Joey and Lance looked around.  The front
door was open and they could hear the van's engine on.  Nathan wasn't on
the couch anymore, only the blanket which Chris bundled him in remained.
They quickly went through the door and entered the van.  Once the van
door slid shut, Chris quickly backed away from the driveway.

	"Where are we going?" Lance groggily said.
	No response from Chris or Nathan.
	"I said where the hell are we going?" Lance said louder.
	"We're going to the hospital," Chris said still driving down the
freeway.
	"Hospital?" Joey echoed in confusion, "Why are we going there?"
	Silence lingered in the van.
	"Well, why?" Lance started to sound angry.
	"To see Mano," Chris monotonously replied.
	"What..." Joey and Lance replied in unison sitting straight up.
	Chris sat silent still driving the van.
	"We're going to see Mano," Chris said again.

	Stunned and shocked, Joey and Lance sat solemnly in the back of
the van looking out the windows.  Down the long and sparse freeway,
Chris passed car after car.  Through the darkness, the lights of the
lamp posts and the buildings blurred on by.  Everyone was anxious and
yet were worried that they are going to the hospital.  Different
thoughts were going through everyone's mind about what happened that
day.


	Kevin reached out and slowly gripped my hand.  His crystal blue
eyes were filled with sadness as he looked at my face.  Tears welled up
inside, but fought them back with all his might.

	"Never thought that I would meet you like this," Kevin softly
said, "Let alone saying good-bye to you."
	The machine quietly beeped next to the bed.
	"I wish you would wake up," Kevin pleaded, "I'll do
anything...Take you fishing, take you on tour, anything...just don't
leave me...please."
	Still no answer.
	"I..I'm so sorry," JC softly muttered, "It's all my fault."
	Justin put his hand on JC's shoulder, "No..no it's not," he
whispered.
	JC looked down towards the bed, "Don't say that...I let a good
thing go, Mano's given up, I fucked up..."
	Justin gently grabbed his shoulders and turned him around.  He put
his finger under JC's chin and raised his head to look at him,
"JC...look, it's not your fault," saying slowly and sincerely, "I don't
know what happened so I'm not going to pretend to know, but I do know
this...You were scared to show how much you cared for Mano.  Never
thought that you had feelings for a guy, hell I didn't know that you had
feelings for guys till now, but do I care?  No...not one bit."
	"But.." JC got cut off.
	"Look...stop feeling guilty for what you did.  Time can't go
backwards.  All you can do for Mano now is to be here...by his side."
	JC understood what Justin had said and gathered himself together.
	"Good, now all we can do is to wait and hope that he gets better,"
Justin said and turned to look at me.
	`Please,' Justin thought, `Don't leave like this.'


	Darkness...nothing but darkness.  Step after step and nothing
could be seen.  Only the cold emptiness of space was around me.

	"I...I can't take this," I said, "It's so...lonely."

	A spotlight clicked on and a beam of light shined on me. I raised
my hand to block out the light.  Suddenly another spotlight clicked on.
When I got used to the light I slowly removed my hand and I saw someone
standing in front of me.  It was Chris standing in front of me.

	"Are you lonely?" he said monotonously.
	"I..I'm so alone," I replied.
	"Do you want to be lonely?"
	"No..never.  I hate being lonely."
	"Why are you lonely?"
	"I...I have no friends," I drooped my head down.
	"Am I your friend?"
	"I...I...I don't know," I softly said.
	The spotlight clicked off and I lost sight of Chris.
	"Wait!" I shout in the darkness, "Chris...wait..."
	Alone again in the darkness.  A click echoed behind me.
	"What do you want?" Joey's voice echoed.
	I quickly turned around, "I...I don't know."
	"Do you want to be happy?" in a monotonous tone.
	"I want to," I softly replied.
	Another light clicked to the left, but I didn't move.
	"But you don't know what to do," Lance spoke, "So you can't be
happy."
	"I want to be happy more than anything," I replied.
	"You can't," Lance coldly replied.
	"No...it can't be..." I sadly said.
	Another light clicked on.
	"Do you trust me?" Justin spoke.
	"I...I don't know," I replied.
	"Why don't you trust me?"
	"I don't know."
	"Do you love me?" JC's voice echoed.
	I looked up and I saw him standing in front of me.
	I quickly looked back down, "I...I don't know..."
	"You loved me before," JC said, "Do you love me now?"
	"I...I don't know anymore..."
	"Do you love me?" Kevin's voice.
	"Of course I do," I turned around and spoke to Kevin.
	"Why do you love me?"
	"Because you've done so much," I replied.
	"I don't believe you," he coldly said.
	"What?" I said shocked.
	"You're lying."
	"Wha..I would never lie to you," I said.
	"Do you love me?" my voice echoed.
	I spun around and saw a person who looked exactly like me, "What?"
I said slowly and in disbelief.
	"Do you love me?" my clone repeated.
	"I...dunno," I solemnly said.
	"Then why do you love me?" Kevin said.
	"Because...I just do," I replied.
	"You can't love him," my clone repeated.
	"How can you love someone if you can't love yourself," Lance said.
	"Since you don't love yourself," Chris said.
	"You don't love me," Kevin continued.
	"Because you love no one," Joey started.
	"You will always be alone," JC finished.
	Then in one sudden moment, all the lights turned off and I was in
darkness once again.
	I fell down to my knees, "I...don't want to be alone..." I sobbed
softly.


	Kevin's eyelids started to feel heavy.  They've been in the room
for a long time and the night slowly crept on everyone.  Kevin saw JC
drift in and out of sleep and he put his hand on JC's shoulder.
	"We'd better go," he whispered in JC ear.
	JC snapped up, "But...I can't leave Mano..." he softly replied.
	"I know...but there's nothing we can do," Kevin solemnly said.
	"Kev..." Brian said softly.
	JC looked at me one more time, gently placed my hand over my chest
and gently placed a gentle kiss on my lips, "Forgive me...." he
whispered in my ear.
	Both Kevin and JC stood up and looked at me for one last time.
They slowly turned around and silently walked towards the door.  Justin
was still holding my other hand staring at my face.  Brian put his hand
on Justin's shoulder.
	"C'mon...time to go," Brian whispered.
	"Yeah...I know," Justin softly replied, "I'll be there in a
minute."
	Brian sighed and slowly walked towards the door.
	Justin sighed and stood up.  He let go of my hand, but it didn't
dropped.  He looked at it oddly and heard a faint wheezing noise.  He
bent over to find out where it was coming from.
	"I....will....fight....one.....more....time...." I wheezed out,
"Never.....alone.....again....."
	A tear rolled down Justin's face when he heard my weak voice...

**********

Oh yeah...I'm discontinuing with chapters...Takes too much time to
figure out where to break them up.