Date: Wed, 06 Oct 1999 04:11:58 -0700
From: zeo@sfsu.edu
Subject: N Sync Love pt16

**  Song(s) ain't mine...

	The drive up the road was a peaceful one.  Good thing Kevin 
took me out the back way.  When we passed the front, a pretty good size 
crowd of reporters and snoops were there trying to figure out what 
Kevin was up to.  We passed by different places as Kevin pointed out 
stuff of interest.  One day, he'll give me a full tour of the place.  
But that was a ways away and he had to work on the new album and stuff 
I didn't mind cause I knew he had a busy schedule and I had to go to 
school soon.
	We wound up in the familiar neighborhood.  The place where I 
finally found refuge in the storm.  Kevin parked the car in the 
driveway and shut off the engine.  I instinctively unlocked the door 
and tried to open it.  It was harder to do than I thought.  Then I 
remembered that I was still recovering from the pneumonia.  That didn't 
matter, I wanted to get out of the car myself without any help.
	Grabbing the frame of the car, I hauled my weak body out of the 
seat.  After that, I leaned against the car to catch my breath.  The 
whole time Kevin was watching me from the other side to make sure the 
door didn't slam against me.

	"You ok?" he asked.
	"Yeah," I replied, "I just need to catch my breath."
	He laughed a little, "You sound like an old man."
	"Heh."
	"I don't want to pick you up off the driveway."
	"Yeah yeah...I'm not gonna fall flat on my face," I walked around 
the car using it for support.
	"Great...now I have to re-wax the car," Kevin joked.
	"Har har," I played along.
	"Where's your sense of humor?" he whined.
	"Taking a back seat," I replied as I inched my way around the 
car.
	Kevin laughed, "At this rate, you'll never make it through the 
front door."
	Then he walked towards me, ducked a little and grabbed my waist.  
He then hoisted me up over his shoulder.
	"Hey," I started laughed.
	"You're lighter than I thought," he laughed out loud.
	"I would gain more weight if I ate more meat.  But..." I 
explained.
	"Oh yeah...You're a veggie eater."
	"Yup."

	Kevin slung me over his shoulder and hauled me through the door.  
Once inside, he gently kicked the door closed and walked towards the 
couch.  He placed his hand on my back and gently cradled me down on the 
couch.  Kevin slipped off his shoes and laid himself on the couch on 
top of me.  Our noses touched and I giggled.

	"How're you feeling?" he whispered.
	"Better now that you're here," I smiled at him.
	He adjusted himself a little so that his full weight wasn't on 
me, "I talked to Lance and I got your stuff from his house."
	"Really?  Cool.  What are you gonna do for the rest of the day?"
	"I don't know," Kevin replied then smiled at me, "Probably lounge 
around with you all day."
	I smiled back, "You don't have to...I'll be sleeping most of the 
day anyway."
	"Want me to sleep with you?"
	I chuckled, "S'ok...I doubt you'll get any sleep with me 
snoring."
	"Oh I can manage," he scratched my nose.
	We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, then I looked 
away.
	"What's wrong?" asking sincerely.
	"I'm sorry for putting you through so much crap."

	Kevin didn't say anything.  He wrapped his arms around me and 
gave me a hug.  He laid his head on the couch next to mine.  All I 
could do is hug him back and gently stroke his hair.

	"I'm really sorry," I repeated.
	"No...it's not your fault," replying into the couch.  Then he 
turned his head towards mine, "It's because..."
	"Because what?"
	"Well...after you left..." a small silence, "Dad had...cancer and 
passed away..."
	I was in shock, "I...I didn't know..." whispering to him.
	"And when you were in the hospital...I thought I was going to 
lose you too," he lifted his head and looked deep into my soul, "I 
don't know what I would have done if you had gone too."
	"I...I'm sorry," was the only thing I could think or say.

	Kevin leaned over and gently placed a kiss on my forehead.  I 
held onto him as if this was going to be our last time seeing each 
other.

	"As long as I know that you're safe...nothing matters," 
whispering in my ear.
	"I love you Kevin," whispering back.
	"I love you too."
	We lay there for a good while just staring into each other's 
eyes.
	"Hey Kev we have to..." Brian walked into the living room and saw 
Kevin lying on top of me on the couch.  His face flushed a bright red.
	"We have to what Bri?" Kevin replied.
	"Uh.." Brian quickly looked away and elsewhere in the room, 
"Uh..we have to go..um..back to the studio to finalize the tour dates."
	"Oh all right," he agreed, "This'll be real quick," he kissed me 
again on the forehead.
	"I'll prolly be asleep when you get back," I replied.
	"Then I should take you to bed."
	"S'ok...I can make it."
	Kevin chuckled, "I bet."

	I wrapped my arms around his neck and he gently pulled me up.  
Kevin slowly and carefully walked towards the guest room and opened the 
door with his free hand.  Once in, he lovingly set me down on the bed 
and tucked me in.

	"So..." Kevin started, "You're gay..."
	I looked down on the sheets ashamed, "I let you down didn't I?"
	"How can you?" replying puzzled.
	"Cause I didn't turn out the way you expected me to..."
	"And that is?"
	"I dunno...a normal average guy I guess."
	"Mano," Kevin put his finger under my chin and looked into my 
eyes, "I love you no matter who you are..."
	"But..."
	"No butts about it.  So what if you're gay?  Brian's gay and you 
don't see me making a big deal about it."
	"I suppose..." I drooped my head down again.
	"We'll talk later ok?" he sincerely asked.
	I nodded.
	"Remember this...I love you...Always have...Always will."
	I looked up at him and smiled, "I love you too."
	Kevin leaned down and kissed me one more time on the forehead, 
"Have a good rest."
	"I will...You take care."

	With that, he nodded and quietly left the room.  I snuggled into 
bed and dozed off to a light nap.  Kevin went into the living room and 
started to go through the papers for the meeting.  Brian sat on a chair 
just staring at Kevin.  Noting the awkwardness, Kevin looked up at his 
cousin.

	"What's up Bri?" he asked.
	"Well..uh..um.." being caught off guard.
	"Spit it out...we don't have much time ya know," Kevin resumed 
reading the papers.
	"It's..um..about you.."
	"Oh?  How so?"
	"It's just...I've never seen you so...so happy."
	Kevin laughed, "You know...You're right.  I've never felt this 
good."
	"Yeah...and how you're on top of Mano like it was nothing," Brian 
accidentally blurted out.
	"Well...I'm not bothered much when you're all over your dates," 
Kevin turned and smiled at Brian, "Why should you?"
	Brian's face flushed, "That's different."
	"How so?" replying seriously.
	"Cause...Oh nevermind...Let's just go," Brian was a little 
flustered and stood up.
	"Sure...I think I have all the papers here that we need."

	Brian quickly got up and hurried out the door.  Kevin stood up 
and slowly followed.  He was curious why Brian would be acting like the 
way he did.  It wasn't like he was ever phased when Brian was making 
out with another guy in front of him.  So why should he be bothered 
with the sight of Mano?  Kevin giggled a little with the thought of 
Brian turning into a tomato.  Eventually, both of them were in the car 
and Brian drove off towards the studio while Kevin silently looked 
through the papers.


	The sounds of birds chirping through the windows caused me to 
stir in bed.  I had been asleep for only a few hours before waking up 
again.  I was refreshed, but tired at the same time.  Since there was no 
possible way of going back to sleep, I might as well get up and do a 
little exercise.
	I sat up in bed and slowly swung my legs over the edge of the 
bed.  Holding one of the corners of the bedpost, I slowly stood up.  It 
was shaky at first, but after a few minutes of standing, I was getting 
the balance back into my legs.  I took a small step and my balance was 
getting a little shaky again.  Sheesh...gotta learn how to walk again.
	After the shaking stop...I took another step.  I was now too far 
away from the post for any support and I was using my arms like a 
tightrope walker would do.  It was getting easier and easier to walk 
once I got used to it.  Though I was breathing quite rapidly as it took 
a lot of energy to keep myself from falling down.
	The minute I hit the door, I leaned on it and started to rest. I 
was puffing and leaning against the door for about 5 minutes or so...prolly 
longer cause I wasn't sure if I dozed off or not.  Shaking off the 
sleep, I resumed to what I was doing, that was getting out of the room 
and walk around a little.  Opening the door, I can hear the grandfather 
clock slowly tick away the seconds.
	Using the wall for support, it was easy to get to the living 
room.  Scanning the area, no one was in sight.  I assumed they hadn't
returned from the studio or something.  Flopping down on the couch, I 
started to surf through the channels.  Nothing was on and I was falling 
asleep again.  Shutting of the TV and looking around the room, the 
small piano against the wall caught my attention.
	Immediately I walked towards it and started to tap on the keys.  
Small melodies were being played, but they were of old songs that I 
heard from the radio or tape somewhere, nothing of meaning.  Then I 
started thinking of Kevin and a new set of notes sprung up and words 
formed in my mind.

	"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart...
	Without saying a word you can light up the dark...
	Try as I may, I can never explain what I feel when you don't say 	 
	a thing..." I sang out loud and felt happy thinking of Kevin.

	"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me...
	There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me...
	The touch of your hand says you'll catch me where ever I fall...
	You say it best when you say nothing at all..."

	"All day long I can hear people talking out lout...
	But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd...
	Try as they may they can never define...
	What's been said between your heart and mine..."

	I kept playing the piano thinking about Kevin the whole time.  `I 
wish there was something I could do for him,' I thought as I kept 
playing, `But what?'  Memories of the past and the good times flooded 
my mind.  Then it struck me.  It was so obvious I should have thought 
of it sooner.  I stopped playing the piano and headed straight to the 
kitchen....


	Disappointed, tired, and depressed, JC slowly made his way back 
to the jeep.   `Why did it have to be this way?' JC kept thinking.  He 
knew that it was his fault and how he has to face the consequences.  `I 
might as well tell everyone what's up,' he pondered, `It can't get any 
worse.' 

	"Well...what do we do now?" Chris asked Justin as he looked 
through the fridge.
	"I dunno," Justin replied plopping on the couch.
	"I think we should help JC out," Chris replied and pulled out a 
bottled water.
	"Bad idea."
	"Eh?  Why not?"
	"Look I just have this feeling that it's a bad idea to go 
meddling in his personal affairs."
	"We're not meddling in his affairs.  We're helping him through a 
rough time," Chris answered.
	"It was a mistake to ever mention anything."
	"No it's not.  If you didn't tell us about why JC is acting the 
way he is, then he many never get this behind him."
	"But I betrayed his trust," Justin explained, "How would you feel 
is someone spilled your secrets to everyone?"
	"You never promised to keep any secrets."
	"That's not fair!"
	"What's not fair?" Chris calmly asked, "JC never said to keep 
anything a secret."
	"He didn't have to say it...I knew."
	"See, since he didn't say it, you're not obligated."
	"How can you be so inconsiderate?" Justin stood up, "If he wanted 
for us to know about his problems he would have said something."
	"Yeah right," Chris rolled his eyes back, "You know how stubborn 
he can be.  I doubt that he would said anything."
	"Did you think that he was ready to say anything?" eyeing 
Chris, "And that we could make things worse forcing him into a corner."
	"Corner?  What corner?"
	"I don't really understand all of it, but I feel that his is so 
scared and confused that any more aggravation might push him over."
	"Yeah right," Chris scoffed, "He's not that stupid.  You're just 
overreacting."
	"I'm not overreacting.  I know him well enough that he could go 
overboard."

	JC parked the jeep in the driveway and shut off the engine.  The 
cool night air was still and crisp.  Fog formed when he exhaled.  
Hopping out of the car, JC walked up to the front door.  He was about 
to unlock the door when he heard Justin and Chris arguing.

	"Well then," Chris continued, "He should have told us what's 
going on between him and Mano."
	"Why would he?" Justin defended, "It's none of our business what 
happens between them."
	"The hell it ain't.  JC's completely depressed about the whole 
situation and you're just gonna sit around and do nothing?"
	"I didn't mean that."
	"What did you mean?"
	"All I'm saying is that if something happened between JC and 
Mano, then either JC or Mano should tell us.  Not for us to go snooping 
around their backs."
	"But we're not snooping around.  We're getting the info so that 
we won't screw things up."
	"Well I think we already screwed things up by knowing."
	"Oh?  And how'd you figure?"
	"If Mano or JC wanted us to know, don't ya think that they would 
tell us?"
	"Like I said before...they're both probably stubborn to ask or 
they may even be scared or ashamed to say anything."
	"What are you talking about?  Being ashamed?"  Justin was totally 
confused about what Chris had just said.
	"Think about it.  They are both gay and were probably ashamed to tell 
us?"
	"Why?  None of us would care."
	"We know that, but they don't.  Probably so scared to lose our 
friendship or change the way we look at them," Chris replied taking a 
sip of water.
	"Which brings me to my point."
	"What point?"
	"By rushing things and putting either of them in a spot, we could make 
the situation worse."
	"So your plan is just to sit around and do nothing?"
	"I never said that...I don't really know what to do.  But I do 
know that rushing into things is not the way to go."
	"Wouldn't you rush to aid your friend?"
	"He is my friend.  There are better ways to handle a situation 
instead of charging though."
	"Like..."

	A sound of a key entering a lock was heard from the front door.  
Chris and Justin quickly silenced their conversation as they saw the 
doorknob slowly turn.  The door opened and JC stepped through.  JC 
didn't make any eye contact, but instead closed the door behind him.

	"Hey JC," Chris tried in a cheerful tone, "How's it going?"
	JC ignored him and walked upstairs to his room.
	"Oh shit!" Chris whispered, "Do you think he heard?"
	"See what I mean," Justin said, "I should go check on him."

	Chris looked at Justin for a minute and slouched on the couch.  
Justin quietly went up the stairs and peeked into JC's room.  He could 
hear drawers being opened and could see JC putting clothes into his 
backpack.

	"Um...JC...can I come in?" Justin said softly through the ajar 
door.
	JC kept on pulling clothes from the drawer and into his backpack.  
Justin, not getting a reply, slowly opened the door and stepped in.
	"JC...we need to talk..."
	JC still didn't say anything.
	"Look we need to talk about this."
	"Talk about what?" he calmly asked while looking through his 
dresser.
	"About you...about Mano...about what's been going on between 
you."
	"Seems that everyone knows...why bother talk about it."
	"You're not making this easy on me."
	JC stopped and coldly stared at Justin, "You? Ha! What a riot!"
	Justin froze in place.
	"The hell I'm not making it easy on you!  You're the one who's 
not making it easy on me!" JC blurted.
	"I...I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it to say anything," Justin 
begged.
	"You didn't mean?" JC eyed him, "Seems like everyone knows about 
it.  Do you even know the slightest bit how it feels like to fall in 
love with a guy?  A guy of all things!" yelling at Justin.
	"JC...It was for your own good," Justin tried to rationalize his 
actions.
	"MY OWN GOOD?" scoffing back, "I can barely admit that I'm gay 
and then you blurt out to everyone about it," Justin looked down in 
shame, "I thought I could trust you...I thought you were my brother.  I 
guess I'm wrong."
	"I'm sorry..."
	"Hey...don't blame yourself," JC finished packing and zipped up 
his backpack, "I lost the love of my life, was betrayed by a friend, 
and has a fucked up life cause he's gay."
	"JC...Look, I know I can't undo what I did, but I want you to 
know that I'm here for you and that I'll help you get through this."
	"Thanks for the help, but think you've done enough," JC proceeded 
to exit the room.
	"Where...where are you doing?"
	"Out..away from here.  Far away from here.  Anywhere but here," 
quickly going down the stairs.
	"No!  Wait!  Please don't go," Justin went after him.
	Chris saw JC go down the stairs and put his hand on one of the 
shoulders.
	"Hold on JC," Chris said.
	JC brushed him off, "I don't need your help Chris."
	"It seems like you do," he calmly replied.
	"Oh?  I didn't know you wanted to pry into my life as well."
	"It's not like that."
	"Yeah right...after Justin here blurted out everything, you're 
the one who wanted to do something about it."
	"I only did it cause you were hurting."
	"Don't you think I still am?  You're not making it better.  I 
just want to get out of here."
	"Where will you go?" Chris asked.
	"I dunno...I don't care...I need to sort things out..."

	JC quickly ended the conversation and headed out the door.  Chris 
was about to pull him back, but Justin put his hand on the shoulder and 
let JC go.

	"Why'd you let him go?" Chris asked puzzled.
	"I don't know...I already feel bad that I told everyone about him 
being gay and he's not ready to accept it yet.  But I have this 
feeling..."
	"Oh?"
	"Yeah...I don't know what it is...but I have this feeling that 
he'll come back...he has to..."
	"I hope you're right...I'm really scared," Chris hung his head, 
"I'm really sorry for pushing you to tell."
	"S'ok...I knew you were trying to help, but it looks like we 
helped enough."
	"Yeah...guess the ball's in his court now."
	"Yeah," Justin slowly walked towards the door.
	"Where're you going?" Chris asked curiously.
	"I need to walk around and think..."
	"Um ok..as long as you're coming back."
	"Heh...don't worry...I will..."


	JC drove around the streets not knowing where to go exactly.  He 
needed someone to talk to, someone who has no clue to what's going on.  
The neighborhood was lively.  Lively for a Friday afternoon.  Couples 
walking by, children playing, everyone was happy...all except JC.  
`What am I supposed to do now?' he thought to himself as he drove down 
the expressway
	Frustrated that he couldn't think of anything as well and the 
monotonous humming of the road, he turned on the radio.  Static played 
through the speakers as he scanned for a station.  One station was deep 
country, another was hip hop, while another was modern rock.  Nothing 
interesting.  More than likely, nothing really mattered.  For some 
strange reason, he stopped it on a station during it's commercial 
break.  Guess JC was tired of the scan mode.

	"You tell me you're in love with me," the first line of the song 
started, "That you can't take your pretty eyes away from me...It's not 
that I don't want to stay...But every time you come too close I move 
away...I wanna believe in everything that you say...Cuz it sounds so 
good..." 
	"That was so stupid of me," JC said, "Why'd I run?"
	"Sometimes I run...Sometimes I hide...Sometimes I'm scared of 
you...But all I really want is to hold you tight...Treat you right, be 
with you day and night..."
	"Yeah.." he sighed, "That's all I really wanted..."
	"Just hang around and you'll see...There's no where I'd rather 
be...If you love me, trust in me...The way that I trust in you..."
	JC solemnly turned off the radio.
	"You trusted me...and I let you down..."

	He kept on driving till he passed an exit sign which he 
recognized.  An ordinary neighborhood, but it was much quieter and 
lonelier.  Each house was unique and tall lush trees dotted the 
sidewalk on either side of the street.  JC pulled up to a driveway and 
shut off the engine.  Once he walked up the steps he knocked on the 
door.  It took a while, but the shuffling of feet got louder till the 
locks clicked and the door opened.

	"JC!" he said, "Long time no see man."
	"Hey Rich," JC replied quite happily, "It's been way too long."
	"Hey come on in!  Put your feet up relax and we can just chill."
	"Yup..just like before," JC stepped in and sat on the couch.
	"What ya been up to?  No, wait, lemme guess, a new vid coming out 
right."
	JC laughed, "Yeah...that's us all right.  I see you've been 
keeping tabs on us."
	"Course...I still need to learn the tricks of the trade."
	"Haha...speaking of which, how's your group doing?"
	"Pretty well.  We're still doing vocal practice and hopefully we 
can start recording soon."
	"Sweet.  Gotta practice first or else you'll never hit those 
notes."
	"Haha...easier said.  You've been doing that for a LONG time."
	"True, true, but it's never too late to start."
	"Say...I'm going to one of those meetings and I was wondering if 
you could help me set up my outfit?"
	"Haha...you...need me?  That's a first...you're the Ambercrombe and 
Fitch model."
	"True...but they give me the clothes to wear...I can't pick the 
right combo for some reason."
	"All right, all right.  I'll help ya."
	"Cool...let's go upstairs."

	Rich and JC went to the bedroom and chatted the whole way up 
about the industry and stuff like that.  JC sat on the bed and Rich 
opened the closet door.

	"Damn!" JC exaggerated, "You've got more clothes than I do."
	"Hahaha.   That's the benefits of being a model.  You could be 
one too."
	"Na...Too skinny."
	"Work out?"
	"Lazy."
	"Sports?"
	"No time...wait...I thought you needed my help for your 
wardrobe?"
	"Ok ok, I give...so slacks or jeans."
	"This is a meeting right...go with slacks."
	"V-neck, shirt or sweater?"
	"Definitely v-neck."
	"Cool."

	Rich took off the shirt he was wearing and exposed his very 
muscular body as well the defined abs of his.  JC looked around the 
room noticing the stereo and the computer in the corner as well as the 
large window.  He glanced over and saw Rich's body.  JC sighed a little 
and looked down on the carpet.  Rich heard something and turned to look 
at JC.

	"Hey man...something bothering you?" asking in a concerned tone.
	"I dunno..."
	"I think I know you a little better than that," he sat next to 
him, "What's it about?"
	JC took a breath in, "Relationships?"
	"Oh?  Did you find `the one'?"
	"Heh..yeah I found it...but I lost it."
	"What did ya do?"
	"It was stupid...I guess I was scared to be in a relationship."
	"And that's how you lost it?"
	"Yeah..pretty much.  I've been dancing around, but never made a 
full commitment.  In the end, it was my fault."
	"Hmm...Do you want this to work?"
	"More than anything?"
	"I've got a piece of advice to give ya."
	"Really?"
	"Yup...If you want it bad enough...you have to go at it with full 
force.  Don't look back, don't look ahead, no hesitations and just go 
for it."
	JC looked up at Rich, "You think that'll work?"
	"It does," he smiled back, "Look where it got me?"
	JC smiled back, "Yeah...I guess I've been doing that with my 
career, but never thought it would work in a relationship."
	"It works with anything," Rich got back up and resumed putting 
on his clothes.
	"Thanks."
	"No prob...what are friends for."
	"Speaking of which...you still owe me 20 bucks," both of them 
laughed.....



	Justin drove his car around the city a few times trying to figure 
out how to patch things up with JC.  JC's been his best 
friend..no..older brother for so long.  Justin couldn't bear the 
thought of JC hating him.  There was nothing to do, no where to go, 
Justin decided to go to the mall and just mope around.
	He parked in the garage and put on his hat.  Once inside the 
mall, he wandered around the slightly filled place.  Not even bothering 
to look through the windows and inspecting the latest fads and fashion 
there.  Instead, he just walked around and sat at a table in the food 
court.  This was just too depressing to think about.

	"Hey there Mr. Grouch," a high-spirited voice said from the 
behind him.
	Justin turned around and saw who was beaming a smile at him, "Hi 
Brit."
	"Hey there," Britney gave a quick hug and sat across from Justin, 
"Why so down mi amigo?"
	"Lot's of things," Justin sighed, "What are you doing here?"
	"Duh?  I'm shopping," giggling back.
	Justin looked around, "You sure?  You don't have any bags with 
ya?"
	"You know me too well.  Actually, I was about to buy something, 
but I saw you just wandering around.  Thought I might be able to help."
	"Sorry about that," Justin apologized, "I've been messing people 
up lately."
	"Oh?" asking in concern, "What happened?  Don't worry about me, 
I'll try to help the best I can."
	"I guess..."
	"Oh come on...you can tell Brit Brit about whatever's bothering you."
	"Well...JC and I had a fight..."
	"What?  Was it that bad?" asking is disbelief.
	"Yeah...He left the house."
	"What do you mean `left the house'," leaning closer.
	"He packed clothes in his backpack and just left."
	"I didn't know that it was that serious."
	Justin hung his head down in shame, "It was my fault too."
	"Huh?  How'd you do that?"
	"I said something that I wasn't supposed to say."
	"Oh?"
	"Yeah...I betrayed his trust...I don't know what to do..." Justin 
quietly said.
	Britney thought about it for a little while, "You know that JC 
won't forget what you've done."
	Justin hung his head down lower, "I know..."
	"Chin up," Britney said in her happiest tone.
	"How am I supposed to?"
	"The bonds of trust and friendship are broken right?"
	"Yeah...."
	"But who says you can't forge it back together and make it 
stronger?"
	Justin looked up and saw her beaming down a smile at him, "I 
dunno."
	"All you have to do is wait and trust JC.  If he is a true 
friend, all of this will pass and both of you could grow closer."
	"I guess you're right," Justin smiled a little, "All I can do is 
to be his friend and show him that I'm willing to start over."
	"That's the spirit.  You'll get everything back to normal in no 
time."
	Justin laughed, "Thanks Brit," he gave here a hug.
	"Anytime...now let's go shopping...I was about to buy that skirt 
I saw while walking in."
	"Hahaha...you bet..."