Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 05:58:40 GMT
From: Jordan Something <jordan_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: Pretending To Love (boy bands)

Disclaimir: This is fiction. Do not think it is real, because it isn't. This
does not mean that any members of n sync are gay.

This is my first story, all comments would be welcomed at
Jordan_Stories@hotmail.com


Pretending To Love- Chapter One


Where did my heart go
When did it loose the way
How did I let you slip away
Why is it so hard to say
Words that much touch you
Make you believe that I
More that it seems that I
Today

I can't run
But I can't hide
All these dreams
That I keep inside
Now it's going to take a while
I've got to learn to smile
Again

Once it was easy
I never had to try
I never had to say a lie
Never thought I'd see you cry
But now I know better
I've got to find a way
I don't wanna hear you say
Good bye

I can't run
But I can't hide
all these dreams
that I keep inside
Now its gonna take awile
But I've got to learn to smile
Again

I've got to find a smile
That fills your heart with laughter
I don't wanna find a way to get along
After you
Oh I wanna be the man
that you knew

Now it's gonna take a while
but I gotta learn to smile
Again


	"Can you at least tell me why, why you fucking did that J? Why you
pretended to love me?" Jc shouted. Anger wasn't the only thing evident in
his eyes, the hurt showed also.
	"Fuck..." Justin cursed, running a hand absentmindedly through his hair.
"What do you want me to say?"
	"Try the truth... for once," Jc baited, taunting him with his words.
	"I fucked up. I admit that. Is that enough?" Justin questioned, looking
deep into his friends eyes.  He was looking for a piece, even a small piece,
of the old Jc. None was there.
	"No Justin, it's not enough. You hurt me. You used me.  You think an
apology is enough to get rid of the pain you caused?" Jc said, shaking his
head. "it's not enough. You burning in hell wouldn't be enough."
	"Then why the hell should I say anything at all? It's clear you want
nothing more to do with me... ever. How about I just leave, just walk out
those two doors and never look back, never look back at you, at the group!"
Justin shouted.  His mind was begging him to take back those words, take
back what they implied, what they hinted at.  His lips wouldn't cooperate.
	"I just want to know why you fucking used me. Why you said you cared when
you didn't," Jc yelled.  Justin glanced into Jc's eyes and  for the first
time saw all the pain, all the hurt, that inadvertantly he had caused. He
didn't like it. He didn't like the Jc that was standing in front of him,
bitter and cynical towards the world, towards his friends, towards him.
	"Jc, fuck... You actually think I didn't care? That I don't care?" Justin
questioned, disbelieving.
	"What else am I supposed to think J?" Jc asked him pointedly.  Justin shook
his head.
	"I did it because... well... I guess... I missed you. The real you," Justin
finally choked out.  Jc stared at him, unsure of what to say now, unsure of
how to act now.  He made it easy on himself. While choking back a sob, he
turned and ran out the door, never looking back.  Justin stood there for a
minute, scowling.
	"You really fucked him over," a voice inside him said.  Justin pretended
not to hear the voice, hear the truth.  He shoved it so far down inside of
him, he doubted it would ever surface. Then with a grimace, he walked out of
the room.  Tomorrow would be there before he knew it, and he needed all the
strength he could muster to face his ex-boyfriend, his ex-bestfriend.



I never wanted to be here
I never wanted to hold my heart in my hands
I never wanted to see it crack
	never wanted to see it break
Yet I am
I am here
I am holding my heart
	not letting anyone else touch it
	hold it
I am watching it crack
	watching it break
All because of you
How do you mend
a broken heart?

	Jc was jerked from his train of thought when he heard a knocking at his
door.  With a grimace, he closed the faded notebook that served as a
journal, and stood up.  His eyes were blood shot, he had spent the night
writing again, instead of sleeping.  Never before had Jc avoided sleep. But
last night everything had been too clear in his mind, too fresh. Just like
every other night that week.
	There was another knock on his front door, and Jc sighed.  The sooner he
opened the door, the sooner he could get back to writing, thinking...
avoiding.  He walked across his living room, ignoring the take out cartoons
scattered everywhere, the bits of paper that held different thoughts,
feelings he'd had. Just ignoring everything that reminded him of...
	Just as the third knock sounded, Jc reached the door.  He didn't even think
to ask "Who's there?", instead he jerked it open, intending to yell at
whoever was standing on his front porch. So when he saw Justin, he wasn't
prepared.  Without really thinking, he shut the door and locked it, never
saying a word.  Then, with the remaining strength Jc had, he fell to the
floor and started sobbing.
	Through the closed door Justin heard Jc's sobs, he heard his whimpers, and
he felt ill.  How could he have done that to his best friend?  To his boy
friend?  Without taking the time to thinking everything through rationally,
Justin reached into his back pocket. He hadn't wanted to use his spare key
to get into Jc's house, but the sound of his friend lying there, crying, was
too much for Justin to bear.  It just added to his guilt.
	Justin swung the door open a few seconds later.  Jc didn't even notice
Justin standing there, staring at him; he was to caught up in his own
misery, his own feelings of inadequacy to pay attention to the door.  Justin
noticed Jc though.
	He took in every detail of Jc's appearance. It was obvious Jc hadn't shaved
that morning, or bothered to shower at all.  With his blood shot eyes,
Justin wondered if Jc had even gone to sleep the previous night.  Somehow,
he doubted it.  Then Justin did a double take of the living room.  Food
cartoons were everywhere, with no appearance of order.  A chair was
overturned, making Justin wonder what had happened.  And lying on the wooden
table near the sliding glass door was a note pad.  A faded yellow booklet
Justin hadn't seen in nearly a year.
	Jc only brought the booklet out when he was upset. He wrote down things in
there that would make anyone's blood curdle.  Thoughts about life and death,
the meaning of everything. And of course about being gay.
	That was when Justin realized how much Jc must have loved him. And how much
he must have hurt Jc when the truth had come out.  Justin pressed his
eyelids together tightly, trying to block on the scene that was already
imprinted on his mind.  It didn't help. Every detail about Jc's misery was
there, trapped.  Justin began to feel sick to his stomach. How could he have
done this to Jc, to his own best friend? He didn't want to know the answer.
	Jc was still curled up in a ball, crying his eyes out, when Justin finished
taking in the entire scene.  He knew now how hurt Jc must be feeling, and he
knew that somehow he needed to help Jc move past all this. Move past their
relationship.
	Justin stooped down and began to cradle Jc to his chest.  Jc continued to
cry, but now instead of clutching his own legs, he hung onto Justin's Polo
shirt.  The tears were still pouring, and Justin was still kneeled there,
hugging Jc for all he was worth, when he felt Jc's grip change. When he
heard Jc shout.
	"What the hell are YOU doing here? Didn't you  hurt me enough already?" Jc
shouted, shaking Justin harshly. Justin didn't say a word, just absorbed the
hurtful words Jc was spewing at him. "Fuck... can't you leave me alone
Justin?" Jc shouted again.
	"No, Jc, I can't!" Justin said, finally finding his voice. Jc continued to
shake him, gripping Justin's shirt even tighter in the process.
	"Why not? Why the hell can't you just leave me alone? You've already  hurt
me enough!" Jc shouted, growing angrier with each passing second. "didn't
you pretend to be my boy friend, pretend to care about me, pretend to
fucking love me? All because you thought..." Jc didn't finish.
	"Thought what Jc?" Justin asked, crudely. "I'd really like to hear what
else I fucking did because I cared about you." Neither had moved, Jc was
still gripping Justin's shirt, shaking him. Justin was still holding on
tight to Jc, trying not to let go during Jc's violent rampage.
	"you thought... if I was happy... then..." Jc mumbled, no longer shouting.
He noticed that he was still being held tightly by Justin.
	"Your right Jc. I wanted you to be happy. Since when is that a crime?"
Justin shouted, despite the fact Jc had ceased yelling.
	Jc shook Justin again. "It became a fucking crime the minute, no, the
second you lied to me about how you felt. How you still feel!" Jc exclaimed.
	"Jc, get it through your thick skull I NEVER LIED!" Justin shouted. "if
anything, your the one that lied to me!"
	"When the hell did I lie to you? Huh?" Jc asked rudely.
	"When you told me you wanted me to burn in hell, and even that wouldn't be
enough for you?" Justin replied, remembering all the hurt those words had
caused him the night before.
	"Who says I didn't mean them?" Jc asked.
	"You are, right now.  Your still holding me." Justin explained, in a softer
voice. Jc looked down at the two of them and saw that both he and Justin
were clinging to eachother, just like they had, before.
	 Jc tried violently to let go of Justin's shirt, but something was stopping
him.  No matter how much he willed his fingers to let go, they clung tighter
then  before to Justin, clung tighter then before to their relationship.  He
wanted Justin back... despretely.
	"Justin." Jc exclaimed. "can you at least tell me why...why you did it?" Jc
asked all while pulling Justin closer to him. The two lovers layed in
eachother's arms, gazing into eachothers eyes. And Justin began to talk.


	"Remember the No Strings Attached tour?" Justin asked Jc, who nodded.
Justin continued. "you weren't happy then.  You would yell at us, all of us,
over the tiniest thing.  You were always on edge, bitter towards us,
sarcastic.  You weren't acting like yourself."
	"I had things on my mind..." Jc replied.
	"I know Jc, I know.  Even when we hit the Hackey Sack around, you weren't
your normal self.  Normally you joked whenever Lance missed it.  But one
night... you yelled at him.  You said so many mean things... and then you
just turned around and walked away.  Jc, fuck... you didn't have to deal
with Lance's hurt that night... you didn't have to comfort  him, and tell
him everything would be all right. But you know something, I did. I had to
sit there with him after the concert, I had to hear him asking me what the
hell was wrong with you. I had to lie and say you weren't feeling good, that
you didn't mean it."
	Jc felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He remembered that night vividly.
  Earlier that day he had fought over the phone with his mom, about coming
out to Lance no less, and he hadn't been in a good mood.  Jc closed his
eyes, tightly. He thought back to that night, to all the hurtful things he'd
said to lance, about being an idiot, and clumsy.  No wonder Justin had to
comfort Lance far into the night... he sighed.
	"I remember." Jc managed to say, trying to fight back his tears.
	"Then you remember the next day when Lance came up to you and apologized.
You remember biting his head off again, just because you were in the middle
of writing in that damn note book of yours." Justin said, bitterness
creeping into his voice.
	"unfortunely." Jc sighed.  There was no doubt about it, he'd been a mess
those days.  Hell, he still was a mess.
	"good!" Justin stated.  He needed Jc to understand how hellish he had been
to live with. How much every little thing had set him off. And how Justin
was the one who had to deal with all of it, because he was Jc's closest
friend.	"I guess I owe you something though, a thank you at least.  Because
of you, me and Lance got a lot closer."
	"Glad I could help." Jc said, sarcastically.
	Justin ignored the comment,  and continued. "Close enough for me to feel
comfortable telling him my secret.  Close enough to value his support when
he found out I was gay.  Close enough to be willing to do anything for him."
	"You told Lance.... before you told me?" Jc said, hurt.
	"You weren't you Jc. It was almost like you were someone else trapped in
Jc's body. Because the Jc I know would never hurt anyone on purpose. But the
Jc on tour with us almost got pleasure out of hurting us." Justin explained,
hugging Jc tighter to him.
	"I... I... I don't know what to say." Jc whispered.  He remembered how
cruel he had been. How mean, how sarcastic. He just hadn't thought it would
hurt Justin. Justin was his knight in shining armor, his protector, his
savior.  Nothing was supposed to hurt angels... nothing.
	"I guess, that's why, when I heard you on the phone with your mom... I
didn't think.  Remember what you told her?" Justin questioned. Jc nodded.
	"I told her it was harder then I thought, trying to find a time to tell
you... about everything.  I told her I didn't think I could. I loved you to
much to risk losing you." Jc whispered. Justin hugged Jc tighter then
before, and slowly began to rock him.
	"That night... I cried for hours Jc. Lance knew, he was in there, crying
with me. He didn't know why I was crying though.  He thought you'd fought
with me again. That's all.  I tried telling him... that I was to blame. You
were my best friend, going through what I was going through. I should have
seen the signs... I should have been there to help you through it.
Instead..." Justin let that comment rest.
	"You weren't to blame though J.  If anything, I'm to blame." Jc said,
running a hand comfortingly through Justin's hair.
	"No you weren't!" Justin said, sitting up a little. "NEVER let me hear you
say that again, do you understand?  You aren't to blame for it!  You were
confused!  That's all!" Justin practically shouted.  He needed to get Jc to
understand, in only for a few minutes.
	Jc just nodded.
	"Good, because if I hear you say you were to blame one more time, then... I
don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do something... I swear to
god." Justin commanded.
	"Like you did before? Are you going to pretend to love me again, pretend to
need me again? Huh Justin? Huh? What are you going to do if I say I'm to
blame for a satuation that I am to blame for?" Jc asked, shouting.  His
anger had finally taken over, and with a sigh, he remembered the rest of the
tour.