Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 00:46:37 EDT
From: Brwydevil@aol.com
Subject: Boys Bands: Running Thoughts 18

  I hope everyone had a Happy Passover, Easter, ect!! It always takes me so
long to get these out and I apologize. Hopefully suspense is a sensation you
enjoy. Anyway... I get a week off from school now and depending on a little
seminar I may be traveling to, I could be getting another segment out to you
soon! Remember that all of this is fictional and comes from the recesses of
my mind. Enjoy and send all mail to Kevin at BrwyDevil@aol.com. That's me!

            Running Thoughts Part Eighteen: "Someone To Watch Over Me"


  Lecture #3

  Its probably a generational issues. Fifty years ago the importance of
fidelity had a different meaning than it does today. There was a time when
you could fall in love and stay that way. Towards the end of the twentieth
century, relationships decided to take a turn and only last a very short
time. The major effect that murdered lasting emotional attachment has to do
with faithfulness.
  I am quite sure that mankind has been cheating on each other since the dawn
of time. The thing that confuses me, is why? If you've agreed to be with
someone, what's the excuse of going behind their back and betraying them? Is
it just the sex? Is it to check your options? Is it to make sure you've still
"got it"? Any of those answers can't be good enough and none of the others
make much sense.
  Fortunately, no one can judge your actions. If you've cheated and gotten
away with it, its your own guilty conscience to live with. If you've been
cheated on, there are too many thoughts running through your head right now
to even read this carefully. But in that case, the key is to never blame
yourself.
  When the urge to cheat arises, the best course of action is to break it off
with your partner. The very lucky cases will never go through this urge.
Alas, there are times when only one person does and the other is left in
pain. Moving on is a different topic and just as difficult.
  For this venue, I will limit what I want to say in order to keep you awake.
I will gladly state that there are acceptions to this cynical view. What I
want to say is simple advice and a romantic soul can't dispute it. Take
faithfulness seriously. People may change, but that's not a reason to hurt
them in this extreme manner. Always think before you act. And think with the
proper head. The one with the brain.
  So is there any way to solve this? If there was, it would have been used by
now. Humankind can't get by on looks alone. Well... some of us can. Just
kidding. Love is the most precious occurrence on earth. Do not disrespect
it... because you're disrespecting yourself and your partner. It could always
get better in another fifty years. We could always love and be with one
person at a time. Yes, love could prevail yet. Couldn't it?

==============================================================================
======

  "Do you ever get Christmas carols stuck in your head after the season is
over?" Lance asked rhetorically. JC put his emptying bucket of popcorn down
and just looked at Lance. "It happens to me. I had 'O, Holy Night' in my head
all last night."
  "How do you come up with these things?" JC asked with a grin.
  Lance just shrugged and leaned back on the rug. They had been bored and
decided to watch some videos but couldn't agree on which one to put on. By
about two in the morning, the room was filled with tapes from the video
cabinet but nothing had been chosen. Instead, the two guys were lounging on
the floor talking about the most innane topics.
  "Why don't car dealerships lower prices to keep the market competitive? Why
are all those cars so damned expensive? I bet if the Toyota people made their
minivan 2000 bucks, the Mitsubishi people'd make theirs $1,999... then prices
would go down." Lance said. His argument was convincing.
  "Its economics, Lancey. It doesn't work so simply..." JC winked his eyes
several times and looked at the cieling upside down. They were in silence
again. Sometimes when you know you don't have to be out of bed at any
particular time, you force yourself to stay up late just because you can.
That was the jist of this evening.
  "Hey,Lance..." JC whispered.
  "What?"
  "What are you thinking about?" JC smiled. He knew it was a foolish question
and an obvious waste of time but no other ploy had entered his mind. Lance
didn't exactly know how to respond. He always had a lot on his mind. If it
didn't involve the confines of his everchanging dreams which ranged from
beautiful vistas and Nick Carter to bleak abstractions and stolid women he
had his future on his mind. For the most part, he didn't know how to answer
the question.
  He put more thought into it and said, "Destiny."
  "That sounds deep."
  "Well that's the kinda fella I am." Lance shut his eyes. "Its not an
interesting contemplation, though."
  "Then why do you sound like you belong on Dawson's Creek?"
  Lance dropped the hypervocabulary and giggled. "Trust me, my mind isn't
something anyone wants to sift through. Especially not at two in the morning."
  "I wish I had something better to do. I really do."
  "Come to think of it..." Lance shook his head, "I don't remember ever being
able to have a decent powerful talk with you, Jace."
  "I guess we never thought about each other intellectually." JC thought
aloud.
  "Well, should we start now?"
  JC looked down to his watch and threw the box of the movie, 'Back To The
Future'over his head. "Sure, why not..."
  "I don't know how to begin something like this." Lance admitted after a
moment.
  "It can't be that hard. We just need a jumping off point." JC played with
his electric razor. "Ummm...who have you had the best discussions with?"
  Lance thought about that. He had always kept to himself. It didn't mean he
never had a great conversation- it just meant it was rare. The last few
mysterious and provoking mind sessions were between himself and his
subconscious. He was still trying to find his purpose. Lance opened his
mouth, "I can't say I've had many."
  "Me neither. Is that a bad thing?"
  "Well, we all need someone to talk to. Different levels and subjects. Its
not easy to just pick someone to trust like that."
  "So what do we do until we find that person?" JC asked. They fell into
silence again. He decided to answer his own question. "We internally explode."
  Lance looked up when he heard this. It certainly didn't sound very cheerful
or hopefilled. He found that he didn't disagree with it. "It can't be that
bad."
  There was no answer. The workings of a man cannot be dissected. The
wishings of a man can often be supposed. He decided it was probably best to
try and cheer JC up. There were many roads he could have taken. A comedy
routine by Paula Poundstone that always brought a smile. Making fun of one of
their songs. Poking fun at popularity and celebrity status. Lance wanted to
see his friend smile. He changed the subject.
  "What do you need?" ~All right, all right. Its still the same subject.
Variation on a theme.~ He thought. JC just shrugged.
  "If I knew, I'd have it."
  "You must know what you want."
  "Not necessarily. How can you know what you want if you've never had it."
JC pointed out. "Sometimes I feel incomplete and I don't know why. I've got
what a lot of guys want. But when you miss something major, its all
meaningless."
  "What we do isn't meaningless."
  "No, you're right. Its definitely not. But to me, it has seemed empty."
  It was very sad to hear. And it was most likely sad to realize. Lance never
felt that way. He was finding out a lot about JC. Their careers were one in
the same and seeing this viewpoint depressed him. Why did his friend feel so
distraught? Was there something he wasn't seeing?
  "Jace, I have felt like I was missing something before as well." Lance
admitted. His own troubles existed everywhere except for the band. JC looked
to have encompassed that facet into his depression too. "Can you think of
anything that sparks some sort of happiness for you?"
  JC was barely in the same room anymore. He was aimlessly staring straight
ahead with a pained expression on his face. He was having difficulty finding
his path to the answer. Time passed by as several thoughts raced around his
head.
  Lance didn't want to push the issue, so he reached over to his bag and
decided to update his journal. That usually gave him focus.
     Unintelligible Women Still In Dreams. No Guesses. No Reason To Dwell On
It. JC Confuses Me Now. I'm Glad He's Here To Take My Attention. I Wish There
Was Some Way To Help Myself And Him. End.
  He left his pen on the page and looked at JC who was hiding his face now.
Lance leaned back and closed the book. He shook his head and furrowed his
brow. ~What should I do?~ He moved himself closer and put his hand on JC's. A
sudden sense of hopelessness surged through them both.
  "Everything will be all right." Lance whispered. JC exhaled heavily and
nodded in appreciation. Neither of them exactly believed the positivity. They
remained silent until the light of day crept through the window.

==============================================================================
=====

  Nick was so grateful so be taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon. He
had been very used to heavy schedules and tiring weeks. Vacation was a word
from heaven, he was sure. A warm breeze made him a little uncomfortable on
top of the blankets. He rolled over and sighed. He was sitting on a park
bench in his vision.
  He looked like he was deep in thought. Two figures could be seen coming
toward him down the road. He squinted his eyes to watch the bodies. As they
drew near the boy on the left disappeared and only one remained. Nick's eyes
adjusted and the mysterious face morphed into Justin's. They smiled at each
other and took each others hand. Nick rose from the bench and continued
walking with Justin. Another warm breeze caused his skin to shudder. The
clouds seemed to move in very rapidly above them. After only a few steps, the
third figure reappeared in between Nick and Justin and they lost each others
grasp. The last thing Nick saw was a confused look on Justin's face and then
darkness.
  He woke up and stared at the ceiling. He liked dreaming of Justin- but he
wasn't entirely sure what that was about. He felt that someone else was
there. He lifted his head and saw Brian sitting on the other side of the
room. He shook the strange dream away and looked over to his friend. "Hey..."
he moaned groggily. "What's up?"
  Brian turned his head slightly. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I saw it was
quiet in here."
  "No problem... I just didn't know you were here. I thought you were in
Florida still." Nick sat up and stretched his arms behind his head.
  "Vacation's nearly over. We're back two days early." Brian shrugged.
  "What's the matter with you?"
  Brian shook his head again. He was pondering something again. "I just
needed to be alone."
  "Problems with Howie?" Nick guessed.
  Brian looked up when he heard that name. His body wavered back and forth
and he tried to look easy going. He finally spoke. "Its not a problem. I'm
just... a little suspicious."
  Nick slid his way to the end of the bed. "What do you mean?"
  "I can't find his ring."
  Nick thought to himself and then said,"Well, that doesn't mean anything,
Brian."
  "Yeah it does. It never left his finger until we got separated. I just
don't know what he did while we were apart."
  "Bri...don't think like that."
  "How else should I think?" Brian asked himself more than Nick. "I know it
seems small to you but there is more going on here than missing jewelry."
  Nick didn't want to say anything. He remembered the conversation with JC.
Howie had been seen with another man during the brief stint apart from Brian
and people had seen it. Brian hadn't heard about it yet- but then again,
there was no solid evidence to incriminate him. Nick felt that he had to
remain loyal to both of his friends but he wanted to also get this off of his
chest in case it was relevant.
  Seeing Brian so lost in front of him led him closer to breaking down and
speaking the truths he knew. ~But where will that get me?~ Nick asked
himself. ~I can't tell him something that doesn't have an ending. I'd be
fueling a fire of aimless possibilities.~
  "Nick, you're the only on in the group that knows about Howie and I..."
Brian said. It was correct as far as he knew. Although JC and Kevin had shown
Nick facts about their knowledge of the covert relationship in the group,
Brian was unaware of it. "You know how happy we used to be. I don't like
being uncertain about him now. It hurts but I just wish we could be the way
we used to be."
  Nick nodded. "Why don't you just talk to him about this?" He didn't want to
divulge anything about the past. He was desperate to maintain the integrity
of his relationships.
  "If I show any sign of mistrust, he'll never be comfortable with me. Its a
bad idea to confront something like this."
  "I'm sure its been done before."
  "Yeah- and then the love is dead. I can't lose Howie. I just don't know how
to feel- or what to do." Brian seemed cynical and stolid.
  Nick rolled his eyes at himself. He felt that he was being cornered into
the wall. A lot of it came from his own devices. Guilt was not a light
pressure. "Listen, Bri..." Nick averted his eyes and laid back in the bed.
  "You've been together for a long time- and you both mean a lot to me. I
don't want to see either of you hurting." He said. "I hated it when you were
on bad terms. But..." Nick shook his blond hair away from his eyes. He wasn't
sure how to say it. "I don't think Howie was as crushed as you were."
  Brian turned to Nick slowly. "What?"
  "I don't know. It's just something in me." Nick brushed it off
compassionately.
  "Where did that come from? He wasn't as crushed as me?" Brian looked even
more perplexed. "Nick, what are you saying?"
  Now Nick felt like he was making matters worse. He got up again and
approached Brian in the dimness. He put his hand on his shoulder and said,
"Man, this isn't my place, okay?"
  "What's going on?"
  "I can't be torn like this, Brian."
  "If you know something that I should know, you should tell me, Nick." Brian
stood up and faced his young friend.
  Nick weighed the options and determined that Brian was probably right. At
least it was the only side of the issue being argued. Nick walked toward the
windows that were glimmering with moonlight. "When you were having problems
with How at around Christmastime, someone saw him go into a hotel room with
another guy." Nick didn't make any eye contact. He decided to add more to it.
"Now that's being presumptuous, Bri. It could also be a rumor, right? I just
heard it and thought about how you'd feel."
  Nick's voice trailed off. Brian found that he was sitting again. He
couldn't hold himself up. He wasn't sure it was even registering in his mind.
He knew something had been wrong. He knew something was going on. Howie
thought he could get away with something of this magnitude?
  "Brian?" Nick called out. "Are you all right? Are you listening to me?"
  This snapped him back into the room. He looked up at Nick. His angelic face
seemed so concerned and pained all at once. He didn't intend to bring any
hardship. Brian inhaled. "Yes. Yes. I'm just sorting this all out."
  "I don't think you should even take this into account. I think you need to
talk with Howie." Nick kept his voice low. Brian reacted slowly and stared
forward. "I'm sorry." Nick added.
  "No, don't be sorry. You will make everything seem hopeless if you're
sorry."
  "Are you going to be okay?" Nick sat on the edge of the bed again.
  Brian shook his head. "I guess I won't know until after I speak to him."
  Nick concurred. They were silent for a few minutes and it seemed as if all
the words they had spoken were bouncing about the room. "I wish I had helped
you, Brian."
  "I wish you had too." He grinned and feel deep into thought.

==============================================================================
====

  "What's happening, guys?" Justin asked as he stepped into the living room.
Video tapes were piled high around a few pizza boxes and snack bags. Lance
and JC were still lying among them.
  Lance looked up and yawned. "Nothing... what time is it?"
  "Its about noon. Have you been up all night?"
  JC seemed to be fading in and out of consciousness but he grunted, "Yeah."
  "What are you doing here?" Lance asked.
  Justin found a place to sit and made himself comfortable. "We're supposed
to meet here for the press conference this afternoon, remember?"
  "Oh... I thought that was tomorrow." Lance shrugged. "We were up all night."
  "Doing what?" Justin surveyed the overturned room and grinned. He didn't
suspect them to be so rowdy when not on tour.
  "Just talking really."
  "All night?"
  "Well..." Lance blinked, "Apart from the long silences, we had a lot to
say."
  "Well, that's the best way to strengthen friendships- conversation." Justin
looked to his watch and straightened the silver chain around his neck. "Joey
and Chris should be here by now. I was late as it is."
  Lance wondered if the stalker had something to do with their absence.
Unfortunately he couldn't say anything to Justin that suggested this. He just
shrugged it off. "I can't promise to stay awake at this one. Will you handle
most of the questions this time?" he smiled.
  "Well, our press doesn't want to hear from anyone but me anyway." Justin
responded matter-of-factly and then laughed.
  JC sat up and caught his wild hair in the reflection on the television. He
attempted to tame the sleep tousled mane. He did not look very rested but he
put a smile on to appear pleasant. "I'll have to shower before we leave." He
stretched as he spoke and his words sounded strained and comical.
  Lance had showered the night before and was putting on a new dark grey
shirt. "Make it fast, J." He called out. "We don't want to keep anyone
waiting."
  "And we don't want to make it any longer than it needs to be either."
Justin added.
  The door opened and the sidekicks, Joey and Chris entered. Joey was
suffering from a rough hangover and donned a pair of sunglasses. He grumbled
to himself and found a chair to collapse into. Chris shook his head at Joey
and walked over to Justin and Lance. "Sorry it took me so long. Joey wasn't
cooperating..."
  "Its getting worse with him, isn't it?" Justin whispered.
  Lance nodded and Chris just blinked it away. "He'll be fine. I got him a
large cappuccino. Maybe it'll help." Chris explained. Everyone watched Joey
for some sign of recognizable jovial life but gave up shortly. "Where's JC?"
  "He's getting ready." Lance sat down.
  Justin fingered Nick's letter that was in his pocket. He had received two
of them from the two visits with his boyfriend. Reading it over and over
again cheered him up and set his mind at ease. No matter how many tense
situations came around, just knowing Nick's thoughts were written out for him
made everything all so much more inspiring. After all, Justin had to write
back at some point and he wanted it to be a good response.
  Lance and Chris began to speak about a mysterious 'someone' and were
obviously limiting what they wanted to say. Justin noticed their tone, but
was uninterested. He pulled away from the sitting area and walked towards the
adjoining bedroom. He cherished the privacy.
  He pulled the folded pages from his cargo pants and smiled seeing the
handwriting. Having a part of Nick with him sent shivers through him. He
didn't know where the power came from but he never wished it to leave. Justin
read a passage from the end.
    Its just been so long since I've seen you. We can't change our schedules
and I don't recommend we try it but I guess I just wanted to say I miss you.
There. Now its on paper. You can never say that I'm not sentimental or
passionate. I'm shy- that's for sure and I hardly want to give this to you
because I know I'll feel awkward and embarrassed... but now I know I've told
you how I felt. Ever since we shared that kiss- that subtle and romantic
kiss... I've wanted to spend every waking minute near you. Not a thought
passes my head that doesn't concern you. This probably isn't healthy- but
I've never felt this way before.
  It was just so sweet. He had loved the last relationship he was in and it
had crushed him. He was never treated this way before though. Love letters
and beeps and messages. It was a little overwhelming. Justin wasn't sure if
he was even ready to be in another relationship but something about Nick
seemed so right. He refolded the letter and slipped it into his shirt pocket.
  He fixed his dirty blond curls and studied his eyes for a moment. They
looked brighter than before. He grinned and walked back into the lounge area.
Joey had dropped his empty coffee cup on the floor and Justin scooped it up.
He looked for a glint of the personality in Joe but walked away after finding
nothing but a snoring drunk.
  JC stepped out of the bathroom in his change of clothes. He looked a little
damp but otherwise,squeaky clean and a little more awake. All five guys in
the same room was always much more comfortable than it was this morning.
Lance was groggy but attempting to be humorous. Chris was weak but getting
better. JC looked contemplative. Justin was confused and Joey was not
conscious. This motley crew had had better days.
  There came a knock on the door and Justin made his way over to open it.
There was a short exchange and Justin came back inside. "The car's waiting to
get us to the conference. Get Joe on his feet." he said.
  Lance and Chris rose with a grunt and looked to each other as they stepped
to the easy chair where Joey was reclined. "What's this?" Chris asked as he
bent over and lifted a folded piece of paper from the floor.
  Justin looked over and realized what it was immediately. "That's mine." He
called out empathically and eagerly. It was too late, though. Chris had
already started reading. "Hey, man... its nothing... just give it to me."
Joey slowly stood up and looked on as he yawned.
  Nick's letter must have fallen out of Justin's pocket when he had picked up
Joey's coffee cup. He knew he had to be more careful with such evidence.
Justin moved over to his friend and tried to grab the paper back.
  "Oooh- its a letter of quite requited love. I've never seen so many
compliments!" Chris laughed as he walked backwards and Justin pursued. Chris
was looking at the last page when Justin finally got it in his hands. Chris
smiled and asked, "So, who's Nick?"
  He had practically read the whole thing. Justin placed the document
securely in his wallet and moved to the door. "Forget it, we gotta get going."
  Lance chimed in now. "Is it Nicki from our little fan club? Or is it
Nicoletta from back home?"
  Neither of them initially considered a male figure from the signature
though Justin had had private conversations with both of them on several
occasions regarding his homosexual tendencies. Perhaps they each thought of
him as straight for the benefit of the rest of the group. They all knew
Justin well enough to assume he could be gay. No one cared to judge this
choice. After all, they all wore leather pants on stage once in a while. That
was nearly proof alone that some of them had to have the notion.
  Joey had had gay experiences before but he never cared who he had sex with
as long as he got off. Justin looked up at Chris and got a strange sensation
in his head. A very clear decision presented itself. Justin no longer wished
to hide from these four men.
  They had been through a lot together. They deserved to be completely and
totally informed. Fortunately it wouldn't be a big surprise to them all. He
just shook himself of any doubt. "Look fellas... I'm happy now. I found
someone who makes me happy and its nothing to tease me about." Justin smiled.
"I'd never lie to any of you. I just didn't find it important to tell you."
  "Tell us what?" Joey asked as he took off his sunglasses and checked
himself out in the mirror.
  "I'm gay." He said. It felt tense for a moment- as if his own Pandora's box
had been pryed open- but relief took its place when he saw JC and Lance
smiling at him.
  Joey just shrugged and threw his right hand through his hand. Chris took in
the information and inhaled. "And when do we get to meet Nick?" Chris grinned.
  "You already have."
  JC walked across the room to them. "You're dating the competition, aren't
you?" he grinned slyly.
  "The BackStreet Boy, Nick?" Lance raised his eyebrows.
  "I have excellent taste." Justin nodded.
  JC agreed. "I knew something was going on."
  Joey had nearly sobered up and was making his way to the door. "We can
discuss the love life of our very own Don Juan later- we gotta move." he
grumbled.
  JC put his hand on Justin's shoulder and maneuvered him towards the exit.
"I'm happy for you..."he whispered. "Now all I need to do is get happy for
me."

==============================================================================
=====

  Kevin tipped the rest of the water bottle upside down and swallowed its
remaining contents. Nick and Brian had been in the other room for quite a
while now. He wasn't sure what they were discussing but he knew he didn't
want to interrupt them. Instead, he contemplated his own problems. Lucky for
him, they didn't always involve AJ. In fact, he was coming to an end with his
difficulties and dreams that were one-sided regarding AJ. He was just going
to come right out with it when AJ arrived. He had prepared himself and now he
was excited and enthusiastic about family coming clean.
  The door to the suite opened again and Howie rushed inside. He closed the
door quickly and saw Kevin sitting in the chair before him. "Is everyone
here?"
  "Nick and Brian are inside. Then there's you and me... We're one boy
short." Kevin fished around for his second bottle of water in his coat. "Why
are we here anyway?"
  "AJ called me on my cell and told me he had someone I had to meet..." Howie
walked over to the hallway and looked down to the room where Brian and Nick
were supposedly talking. "I got here as fast as I could but I was nearly
knocked down by a troupe of fans."
  Kevin hadn't heard about AJ's mysterious someone. He had just stopped by to
talk to Nick. He had to wait until Brian was done, though. He felt like he
was sitting in a waiting room. Howie looked anxious and confused.
  "What's the matter with you?" Kevin asked, opening his water.
  Howie felt a very odd sensation at the pit of his stomach and wanted to
speak to Brian. He couldn't tell what was wrong. He just had a feeling. "Umm-
I guess those fans shook me more than I thought." he grinned halfheartedly.
  Kevin nodded but sensed that there was more going on here than he was being
told. The door opened and AJ stepped in with a smile. Kevin stood up and took
a step closer to the door. A woman came in a second after AJ.
  "Hey guys... I want you to meet Lana." AJ looked at her with admiration in
his eyes. Kevin turned his head and eyed both of them for a few moments. His
heart fell. "Where's Nick and Bri?" AJ asked. "I want them to meet her too."
  Brian came down the hallway and met Howie's gaze. They shared contact for a
very brief moment and then Brian noticed the woman in the room. He placed his
celebrity grin on and shook her head. AJ told them the story of how they met
and they were soon joined by Nick. Brian excused himself, glared in Howie's
direction and left the suite. He would be confronting the issue shortly but
not in front of everyone. The room fell into silence.
  "Well, Lana, its good to see you making AJ so happy..." Nick said.
  "I can't believe I'm sitting here with all of you." She responded.
  "Well, we're just normal people..." Chris smiled.
  Kevin tried to control himself in front of Lana. He never thought that AJ
would find the love of his life so quickly. That's what it seemed like. If he
had only told AJ how he felt a long time ago, things might have been
different today. Seeing him so happy with her could be fleeting... but it was
ripping Kevin's heart apart.
  He had been coming to grips with his own emotions and had even set up the
most efficient and honest method in which to tell AJ everything. It now
looked like that opportunity was far gone. The rest of the room exploded in
laughter at something Nick had said. Kevin smiled politely and went to the
door.
  "I hope you'll all excuse me..." he said. "I really have somewhere to
be...I don't want to be late." He stroked his goatee. He wished he had made
up something more convincing but his mind was not as active as he wished. He
opened the door and stepped out. He looked back inside to see that AJ had not
even acknowledged his exit.

=============================================================================


  And there's 18. Send all comments, criticisms, suggestions and observations
to Kevin at BrwyDevil@aol.com. I hope you enjoyed it.