Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 01:47:03 EST
From: Brwydevil@aol.com
Subject: Boys Bands: Running Thoughts Part 24

    Hello again! Here's the next part. If you want some movie
recommendations, I suggest Billy Elliot and The Broken Hearts Club (though
this one is hard to find outside of NYC it seems). Just thought I'd bring it
up. This story has no basis in reality and the celebrities involved have no
connection to the story either. Unless they read it- in which case, HI! I
hope everyone is enjoying the holidays! E-mail me at BrwyDevil@Aol.com for
any reason. Kevin


        Running Thoughts Part Twenty-Four: "Marry Me A Little"

    Feeling the wind on his face was a welcomed change from the stale air in
the hospital lounge. Justin pulled his sweatshirt on and his heavy stride
quickened as he reached the corner. The air had a moist, cool mist within it
that woke him up. He needed this brisk walk. Joey's actions just got him so
worked up. If Justin hadn't stormed out, he would have broken something. He
didn't think he was angry. It was more of a frustration. But even that seemed
somehow incorrect.
   He heard the sound of shoes falling behind him and he knew exactly who was
following him. Justin refused to turn around and quickened his pace. He saw
people around the street recognizing him but he ignored them too.
   "Where are you going?" Marcus called after him as he maneuvered through
the crowd. He didn't wish to bring too much attention to the star amongst the
masses. "Slow down, man."
   Justin lowered his face and pressed on in a jog. He thought about Nick.
About how Nick had run to see him the morning Chris was brought to the
hospital. Justin wished he could run to Nick right now. He didn't have the
strength, though. He could barely get away from Marcus. Eventually they were
going to have to talk. Justin would have rathered it not be in public.
Quickly, Justin spun to face Marcus. They stared past each other silently.
   "Marc, did I give you some hint that meant you should follow me? No, I
didn't. I want to be alone." Justin turned but was stopped by a hand on his
shoulder.
   "You may never see me again after today, Jus." He said, bearing directly
into his ex. "I'm leaving to study in Europe."
   That was an epiphany of relief to Justin. For some reason, knowing that
Marcus would be out of the picture made Justin's stress level descend. there
was a threat from Marc regarding Justin's relationship with Nick. Now that he
was leaving, Justin didn't have to worry. Though he didn't really know why
something like the past would separate him from Nick.
   "Why did you come here to tell me you love me, Marc?" Justin's voice
lowered. "If you're leaving, why do you have to come and add to my problems?
Just go."
   "Long good-byes appeal to me."
   "We said goodbye when we broke up, didn't we?" Justin didn't say it with a
rude intonation in his voice, but was actually curious to recall their last
conversation. It was a moment he had run through his mind several times but
vanished from memory when he fell in love again.
   "I don't think either of us wanted that goodbye." Marc shrugged. "And I
don't want to say it now, either. But you deserved to know."
   "Thank you."
   "You're welcome." They stood awkwardly alone, as if they'd never been
together before. "So nothing can be fixed?"
   "Between us?" Justin looked down.
   "Yup."
   "Not anymore." He answered. With his head still lowered, he let his eyes
wander up to see his exes expression.
   Marc laughed. "You're so cute." He said. "Not
Danny-on-the-Real-World-cute... but cute."
   Justin laughed too. He had been bitter and resentful towards this boy for
a long time but no matter how hard he tried, he knew he couldn't keep that
grudge alive. Being rude and stand offish would only make him feel worse in
the long run. "I hope you have a great time in Europe."
   "Its not like the world tour of a boy band or anything... but I'm looking
forward to it." Marcus stood next to Justin as they continued walking down
the street. "I hope everything works out with Joey and Chris."
   "With my luck, I'll trip on my way back inside the hospital and *N'Sync
will go down in history as nothing more than an accident prone group of
clutzes..."
   "And to think you dance so well on stage."
   "We should rehearse walking! I don't know when we became such foolish
idiots."
   "Some people already call you worse." Marc smiled. "It's not easy for me
to just walk down the street like this with you, you know."
   "We never really got the opportunity to do it before." Justin responded.
   "Exactly. I don't like seeing you in a different way than I remember."
   "Things change." Justin remarked offhand.
   The breeze grew more intense and grayer clouds fell overhead. Justin
shivered for a split second and regretted storming out without a jacket.
Weathercasters had mentioned the chance of light rain and that phrase
commented marginally on Justin's thoughts at that moment. He wasn't pouring
and he wasn't drizzling and he wasn't burning or comfortable. He was cloudy
and oblique. The effect Marc used to have on his outlook no longer existed.
He found that sad. He used to let the sun rise and set with this guy in mind
and now he was just a kind shadow.
   Up ahead was a subway station. They both saw it and knew that was where
they were headed. "You can take the train back to the hospital. I'm headed
that way." Marc offered.
   Justin thought for a moment. "No, you go. I'll walk back."
   Marcus nodded. "SO here we are. An actual scene for us to say goodbye." He
wanted to lean forward and hug Justin one last time. he wanted to tightly
squeeze every negative feeling out of Justin that he had ever triggered. But
he extended his palm. "I'll never forget you, of course." he said as Justin
took the hand matter-of-factly.
   "I'll never forget you, either."
   "Yes you will." Marcus chuckled. "But at least I know that once you forget
me... something will be there to remind you." He ran his thumb along the
outside of the hand he was holding and walked down the steps, underground.
   A few drops fell from above as Justin looked down towards the station. He
knew it would have been easier to take the train and avoid the rain but that
one last ride with marc would have changed a lot about how he was feeling.
Confidentially, Justin walked back the way he came. This time, alone.

=====================================================

   Nick looked down at the tiny black box on his desk. He knew it was an
impulse buy...   he wasn't even sure why he purchased it. Brian, Kevin and
himself had gone out for lunch and then Nick departed early to run to the
jewelry store. It was in his blood to get a gift for Justin. It was intimate
and generous and worth whatever price necessary. Nick Carter could spare the
dough.
   Was it too forward to get Justin such a present? Should Nick have bought a
book or something small first in order to make sure Justin didn't run away
after receiving a major sign of affection? Yet why should Nick second guess
himself? He was drawn to this shop and all he had to do was find the perfect
item that called out to him. If Justin took the offering and seemed
uncomfortable, Nick could easily explain that he merely wanted to do
something for him. He didn't want the situation to descend into a sitcom
plot. Honesty was the best policy. Making excuses would only cause confusion.
Nothing ill could arise from buying a simple trinket, in his mind, anyway.
While he pondered the life cycle of his actions, he saw an earring.
   It was white gold with a diamond in the center. Engravement was an option.
Nick thought about how it would look on Justin. He thought about how he could
give it to Justin. If it was supposed to be special or if it was an offhand
gesture, Nick would have to decide. He knew he had gotten jewelry from fans
before, and he was sure Justin had as well. But this was different. He wanted
this to actually mean something.
   And so he bought it. And he slipped the box into his pocket and rushed
back through the streets to his hotel room, making sure he never regretted
laying out the payment in cash. No refunds. Now it sat inanimately on the
cherry wood desk in the spacious sitting room.
   Nick looked down at the tiny black box on his desk. He was inspired to
start talking to it. Not expecting a response, naturally- but getting some of
the tension off of his chest. Verbal directness always seemed to put his
restless mind at ease. He had remembered talking out loud to a book once.
>From an outsiders point of view he was sure it seemed purely absurd, but the
book gave him a lot to think about and actually posturing his queries aloud
to the text gave him answers he couldn't have silently attained.
   The ringbox didn't seem as knowledgeable as the book. He knew it was just
nerves and confusion that put him into this tailspin. The confidence that he
was doing the right thing was all he really needed. Doubt worked that way.
Nagging. Persuasive. Devastating. After all, why shouldn't he tell Justin
exactly how he felt? And why shouldn't he buy his boyfriend a present? When
looking at it that way, he couldn't find any reasons not to. And then doubt
would creep past his reason center and eat away at him.
   Nick looked down at the tiny black box on his desk. He loved it. He wanted
so badly to just see Justin's facial expression. The pivotal moment repeated
in his head like a favorite commercial promoting some diamond ring being
slipped on a loved ones hand. Debeers. But the silhouette would be clearly
visible and Justin's face would be bright. Nick smiled and laughed to himself
just thinking about it.
   And like a teenager, he let the rest of the event pan out in his head. The
effect of a piece of expensive, refined metal led to the appreciative
passionate kiss which led to a grope and a pressure and a grab and a rub. to
make a long hot story short, Nick didn't want to be a virgin forever.
   That was not the motive, though. He didn't need a motive for sex. As a
matter of fact, he was more nervous about sex than he was about practically
proposing to Justin with the contents of the box. His hormones however, often
let him forget he was nervous about that. Bless them.
   So Nick took a seat an put his face on his hands and his elbows on the
edge of the desk. Being comfortable with this whole idea finally seemed
feasible. The conflict within his mind subsided and rose and subsided again.
He wasn't sure about how to go about giving the gift yet- he didn't know if
he'd ever be sure. The uncertainty brought him a sensation of glee. He opened
the box and ran his fingernail inside the tiny letters engraved on the
diamond. N and J. He sighed. Nick looked down at the tiny black box on his
desk.

=====================================================

   Little red dots popped into green discs of afterimages as a deep black and
blue tinted background pulsed relentlessly. Joey's eyes fluttered and the
dizzy colors blurred together into a lulled yellow light. So he wasn't dead.
Damn. At this point, he much would have preferred crashing himself into
multiple parts in order to avoid going through the pain of looking at his
friends faces again.
   Even his hair hurt. A dull stabbing poked at his temples as he attempted
to open his eyes. He grit his teeth and felt the weight of his body
helplessly lax on the cool white hospital bed.
   "I remember telling you once that I was going to put my foot down when you
got out of control..." A voice loudly penetrated the silence and vibrated
powerfully around Joey, who cringed at the sudden increase of volume. He
tried to open his eyes again and more exotic colors popped in front of his
weak head. He knew the voice well enough to determine it was JC.
   "When I first noticed that you couldn't enjoy a party without a drink in
your hand, I said I was going to be watching you." JC knew Joey could hear
him. He also knew how to purposefully raise his voice in order to make sure
the hangover was doubly harsh. "And someone was always around to keep you
from going too far... Lucky you."
   JC sat down. "But it seems no one could stop you this time- and your luck
ran out. And you owe your life to two police officers who tailed you. Do you
have any idea how much damage you caused?"
   Joey only managed to gurgle as he slowly felt worse. JC jumped up and
stood right next to the bed. "Not damage to the city or to our reputation or
even to your friends. You hurt yourself. And I'm not going to ramble on about
how you could wind up dead if you're not careful. We're beyond that point.
All I'm going to say is that if you continue to hurt yourself with that shit,
you're going to lose the only people who care about you. Drinking is as
stupid as suicide." JC walked around the bed towards the door. "You're only
going to get help if you seek it out... that is the only next step you should
be looking to take. I'm done visiting hospitals."
   JC slammed the door behind him and walked down the hall. He was met by
Lance. "Is he awake?" The blond boy asked.
   "Awake enough."
   They continued their way down the hall and stepped aside as two doctors
wheeled a gurney past. A little girl laying on it smiled up at them.
   Lance opened the door into their lounge which was now packed with flowers
and sympathy packages. "The police department was here a little while ago."
   JC moved a stuffed giraffe and sat down. "What did they have to say?"
   "Our managers signed some papers and there will be a little legal squabble
because of the damage Joe did but its not going to be a big mess like I
thought it would be."
   "Was it on the news?"
   "No." Lance tied his shoelace.
   "We'll have to tell Chris what happened, you know."
   "I nominate you." Lance laid down on the floor. "The hospital attendant...
uh... you know, the taller one... is it Rob? Maybe. Well he said they'd
probably put Joey in the recovery room next to Chris'. Security would be
tighter that way."
   "That'll be really convenient for Chris. He'll have less distance to
travel to beat Joey's ass..."
   They fell silent. Of course they were primarily concerned for the safety
of their friends but at the same time, Joey's stunt was inexcusable. JC
couldn't put into words exactly how he was feeling. It was a steady stream of
disappointment highlighted with tinges of desperation. Lance was he only one
who seemed to comprehend the internal battle raging in him.
   Lance always remained as low key as possible. At one time, it was a sign
of depression. That affliction no longer ailed him but he still curbed his
outbursts in order to observe the responses of others. Joey's accident upset
him as well but he didn't let it show. It wasn't like he wanted to appear
emotionless, it was just that he knew how to control his feelings. He wanted
to cry when he heard that his friend and bandmate  had nearly killed himself
in an overturned limo but that expression would have done more harm than good.
   JC knew how to let Lance say what was within without any loss of emotional
control. Their friendship was always in balance. It was almost as if they
understood each other beyond words. Recently they had been able to simply nod
at one another and comprehend each intention. They reached this level of
communication quite rapidly. With all of the troubles around them, pressure
forced them into a multifaceted friendship. Forced in a good way.
   "We should find out where the hell Justin went and get some food." JC
slapped his knees. He thanked his lucky stars he didn't have to wear another
ridiculous outfit given to him by their wardrobe clerks. His own comfortable
clothes gave him more of a serenity than he thought possible.
   "Yeah, all right." Lance yawned. "Chris wants to show us his hospital
video tonight. You up for it?"
   "Of course." JC smiled. "Anything for art."

===================================================

   AJ quickly sat next to Nick who was reading the most recent interview they
had done for Rolling Stone magazine. Both faces were screwed up in
discomfort. "Did you read this?" Nick asked without looking up.
   "No."
   "I'm not sure if I like it or not..."
   AJ shrugged. "As long as its all the truth, you don't have to like it or
dislike it."
   Nick turned the page and concentrated more on the words. He had tried to
keep every magazine that they had been featured in. It wasn't because he was
vain and he wanted clippings of himself for future reference. Nick wanted to
have all 5 guys with him all the time. Each magazine reminded him that they
were a group. A single force. He liked seeing that. The articles may not have
always been lengthy but a lot of them reminded him of the good points the
boys all shared. This particular interview was surprisingly realistic and
slightly unappealing in some respects. At least the pictures looked good. His
silent friend next to him split his focus. "Aren't you supposed to be out
with Lana?"
   "Yeah... I was." He sullenly droned.
   "Trouble?"
   "I'm not sure." AJ groaned.
   Nick sometimes felt a little ill at ease when sitting with AJ. They never
had a lot of time together and neither of them went out of their way to
change that. Nick also knew about Kevin's true feelings for AJ and that
secret in the back of his mind always stiffened him up. He found himself
looking at the picture of AJ in the magazine instead of the real thing next
to him.
   Despite the collaboration of unpleasant mental stimuli within, Nick felt
compelled to reach out to AJ. They were friends on the most basic level,
after all. Perhaps it was something he could help with.
   "Well, talking about it couldn't it hurt." Nick closed the article and sat
the magazine down between them.
   AJ shrugged again. "I guess I've just been under a lot of stress."
   "Is that unusual?"
   AJ's tinted blue sunglasses slowly came down the bridge of his nose as he
took them off. Several of his peircings had been removed as well. Nick saw
something different in him. "I'm in love with Lana." AJ stated. "But I think
there's something wrong with her."
   Nick didn't understand. "What do you mean?"
   "She's just different now- from at first, I mean." AJ looked ahead into
the wall on the other side of the room. The white blank wall. "I think dating
me has changed her or something."
   "You've had your share of girlfriends, AJ. Maybe your feelings for her are
different." Nick speculated. "Besides, she's also in the public eye now.
That'll change anyone."
   AJ sighed. He knew all of what Nick was saying was true yet for some
reason Lana wasn't the primary factor on his mind. He was well aware that
relationships were not easy things to maintain. He knew he was quite capable
of being with one person for a long time and though he found flings to be
temporarily appealing, he wished to seek out love. And there was something in
Lana that gave him what he wanted. Why did something else always interfere
with his thoughts of her? Why was Kevin always on his mind?
   "Well... I should talk to her about it. Money and spotlights aren't
everything."
   "They are when you've never had them." Nick blinked and began drumming his
fingers on his knee. He was trying his hardest to come up with suitable
conversation topics. The silence grew longer. Anything that popped into his
head was trivial and senseless. His leg started to twitch. "Lana will
understand..." He finally said, though the moment was long gone.
   AJ, too, sat quietly pondering an appropriate way of talking through the
stresses that presently plagued him. "Nick... why aren't you happy with
women?"
   Nick had to grin a little. This was the first time he had ever really
discussed this topic with AJ. He had been present for some of the
conversations Nick had had in the past but this was the first time he was
contributing. And more than that, he had brought it up himself. That took
guts. Nick was glad he could be open with AJ about this part of himself-
though the question was a little difficult to fully answer.
   "Well, I guess you just know where you belong in life. I dated a girl.
Once. And it was okay... but I wasn't thrilled." Nick explained. "I just
imagined at the time that I hadn't found the right person to be in love with.
And then I was alone for a long time. When I found out I was gay, I wasn't
really all that surprised. I was just afraid of what people might think."
   "Why?"
   Nick shrugged. "It's not something people yearn to hear. A proud father
doesn't look down at his newborn son and say, 'I hope you turn out to be
gay...'. I just didn't want to disappoint anyone."
   AJ understood this. He, too, had often held back his own emotions because
of the effect he thought they might have on others. More often than not,
though, he had expressed what was on his mind. He didn't firmly believe in
holding back intense diatribes of pent up sensations. "But then you realized
that you have to be happy for yourself and everyone else has to get used to
you being you." AJ sighed.
   Nick shook his head a little as he thought. "I am still afraid of people
making judgments about me, though. Its a confusing issue, I guess."
   "You can say that again."
   Nick turned his head and looked into the profile of AJ. "What do you mean?
Have you been studying up on homosexuality or something?"
   AJ turned away. "No, no... no." He stammered. "It's not like I'm taking
out books from the library on it or something." He crossed his arms on his
chest. "I've just been..." He wasn't sure how to break into conversation with
the thoughts and dreams he had been having about Kevin. "It's just been..."
He felt very claustrophobic. "Like, I get flashes sometimes that I just don't
understand... even when I am in bed... and... like... it's nothing sexual-
well not at first- but... I'm not sure." AJ smirked at his confusion.
   "Well its natural, whatever it is." Nick slowly said. In truth, he was
actually thinking about Kevin. About how maybe AJ should talk to him about
it. There would a lot more to gain if they directly expressed themselves.
Nick felt like some sort of middle man. "Do you think you might actually
benefit from being with a guy?" Nick bravely asked.
   AJ immediately grunted. It was something he obviously disliked hearing-
and discussing in relation to himself. "It's not me, man..." He put his hand
to his heart, "And I wouldn't criticize you or anyone, but I don't feel that
way. It's just not something I have any interest in."
   "At least not consciously."
   "Huh?"
   Nick cleared his throat. "There must be some subconscious desire to, maybe
not experiment sexually with another guy, but improve an intimate
relationship with a male friend. That's just a possibility of course."
   "Who are you, Doctor Ruth?"
   "Just think about it. Maybe you need to talk out your emotions- all of
your emotions with someone who seems to be reaching out to you. Its quite
possible that your images or flashes of whatever may be more than just odd
moments. Two people sometimes just need each other."
   AJ nodded. "I was worried."
   "That you might be a repressed gay boy, like me?" Nick's bright white
teeth gleamed.
   "That I might not be able to talk about it." AJ picked up the Rolling
Stones magazine and glanced down at Kevin's picture on the cover. He needed a
haircut. AJ's eyes met with Nick. "You're good at this, you know?" He gave an
appreciative smile.
   "I've been a virtual therapist for lots of people. Don't mention it. I
just hope you can put it to good use."
   AJ walked towards the door. "I hope so too." And he left.
   Nick put his feet up. He reached over for the magazine and found AJ had
taken it with him. Nick smiled. Right now, AJ needed all 5 of them with him
more than Nick did.

======================================================


   Chris had never been this quiet before. He was most commonly known as the
"funny one"- and no expression of gleeful, mischievous mirth appeared on his
face. If stone had been carved to indicate silent dismay, Chris would have
been the model. He had found out about what Joey had done. Nothing upset him
more than to see his best friend screw up so royally. And so stupidly. Joey
was the unfortunate one, though, because he was being moved into Chris' room
in a matter of minutes. He didn't want to see the disapproving, disappointed
face of Chris.
   There was enough guilt eating away at him- and JC's diatribe didn't help
him any. Now Joey was going into the lion's den. Chris had warned him enough
times about this very issue. He was going to lay helplessly in the bed as
Chris relentlessly lectured him until his ear canal caved in and he died.
That was it. The end. The martial drum began to beat sullenly as the door to
his recovery room opened and three security agents and two hospital aids
marched inside.
   The whole hospital seemed empty- and each random passerby he did pass
seemed to have their backs to him. The lights above flashed in quick
succession to each other. White walls and desks and carts and clothes blurred
together. He laid back and closed his eyes. He felt them slow down. His fists
clenched. It was a moment in time that he wished he could just pass over.
There was so much tension in his body.
   And he felt the bed turn and the handle of another door move. He was at
Chris' room. ~Maybe if I act like I'm in a coma, he'll feel bad for me.~ Joey
thought. ~Maybe I'll just play dead.~ This room seemed even brighter than the
hallway and the path leading up to this final execution. He felt Chris in the
room. Feet away from him. But not looking at him. There was silence. The aids
didn't even say a word to him. He was left alone. Maybe they felt the torture
that was about to begin. His shoulder muscles tightened. The bed was secured
and the guards left.
   ~Don't leave me alone with him! He's like family: I'll never get out of
here alive!~ Joey thought. After a long pause, he sheepishly looked over to
where Chris was laying. He didn't think it was a good idea to open a
dialouge. Maybe they could get through this by just quietly accepting that
they were both alive and that the situation was over. No bloodshed. No hurt
feelings. No way.
   "You're an asshole." Chris simply said. "You're alive now. You won't be
next time. Think about it." He didn't deign to make eye contact or follow
that up with any other remark. In fact, he didn't even use anger to express
himself. That was all the moment needed. Joey agreed with him so there was no
reason to drag it out any further.
   Joey was relieved though his guilt deepened. His friendships were strong
enough to get him through anything. He knew he never really needed alcohol
despite the urges and knowing how hard sometimes life could get. It was a
mistake he wouldn't make again. He looked out the window into the night and
saw stars in the sky- which was rare in Manhattan. He shut his eyes and took
a nap. The dreaded conversation had passed in less than three sentences. He
was finally at ease.

   "WAKE UP!" JC yelled in his ear. Joey bolted up in the bed and nearly
pulled every muscle in his back. The rest of the group was sitting around the
room laughing. "I knew that would work!"
   "Sorry, Joey..." Lance smiled. "We've been trying to get you up for twenty
minutes now... That seemed to be the best way to do it!" He shrugged. "We're
gonna watch Chris' hospital video now."
   Justin was connecting the video camera to the TV and was switching several
wires around. "Yeah, we gave him a camera and he gave us a short film about
being an invalid. It's a win-win situation really."
   Joey sat up and looked over at Chris who had already forgotten about the
whole conflict between them. He was smiling and he offered some popcorn over
to him. "I haven't seen a good movie in a long time." Joey responded. "Is
there a plot?"
   Chris shook his head as he palmed several popped pieces of corn into his
mouth. "Just wait and see... I think it could sweep the Oscars next year."
Justin finally got the machine to work and JC shut off the lights and grabbed
a soda. Everyone sat on the floor in front of Joey and Chris' beds and the
static on the screen turned into an extreme close up on green jello. Chris'
high falsetto voice began to croon melismatically and over dramatically in
the background.
   Each frame moved the jello around the plate. It was a stop action movie
all about a sick piece of jello being carted off to the hospital by other
peices of food. Brownies and pork chops teetered around slowly. Chris'
singing sporadically entered and left the flow of the bizarre cafeteria soap
opera.
   In the middle of the film, the boys were introduced to a close up of a
nurses short skirt and the panties she wore beneath. Joey applauded the cameo
and they all laughed. It was quite an entertaining spectacle. Finally the
jello returned and grew healthier with four other blobs of multicolored jello
creatures helping him.
   "Quite ingenius, Chris." Lance said.
   "Yeah, they should be the stars on your next set of T-Shirts!" Justin
chimed in, making fun of Chris' other projects. The boys laughed and talked
together for the rest of the night. They forgot that they were in a hospital
and that danger and fear existed around them. They forgave and forgot and
were able to just be themselves. No expectations. No differences. Just
themselves.

=====================================================

   Happy Holidays! Send all critiques to BrwyDevil@aol.com. Kevin.