Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001 18:41:58 EST
From: Brwydevil@aol.com
Subject: Boy Bands: Running Thoughts 25

   I am still alive! I wanted chapter 25 done by the 25th of December but
unfortunately I have just had too much on my plate... Regardless, I hope the
season is jolly and gay for all... yes, well... This story is fictional and
any connections to the real world is purely used as an artistic endeavor. Or
is it autistic... Either way, it is my own little world. Enjoy and send all
feedback (positive and negative) to me, Kevin at BrwyDevil@aol.com.

  It was suggested that I add a synopsis before these last few chapters to
sum up what's been going on because I love confusing people with a runaway
soap opera plot that contains enough characters to start a Chekov play. So
here you are:
  Nick and Justin, remember them?- happily a pair,  are only bummed out from
time to time when one of them isn't there. Planned to be together to spend
some time alone, Nick's chilled the orange juice and unplugged the phone.
  Brian and Howie, once happy now lowsy must sit down together and elude the
bad weather.
  Kevin loves AJ and AJ's with a girl and though AJ is having doubts, he
won't just toss the pearl. So Kevin has to get a grip, he can't just sit and
hope. He must move on and leave behind the nights when he would mope.
  And Christopher and Joey recovering at home, still have no leads about the
crazy stalker's psycho dome.
  Lance and JC, they're friends through thick and thin- determined they are
content without third parties butting in. For now, at least, they're all they
need and they're also all they got- so thats the top ten characters and the
relative main plot.


	    Running Thoughts Part Twenty-Five:  "But You Go On"

  Detective Travers stepped out of the elevator and glared behind him. His
eyes rolled as if he had just heard a very pathetic joke and he continued
walking down the hall. He checked his notepad for the room number and then
knocked softly on the white door to his left. Jack opened the door which
surprised Travers. "We've forgotten all about you..." He said quickly.
 The secretary, who had just finished putting highlights in his hair, asked,
"Excuse me?"
 "Oh, nothing- I'm sorry." he glossed over his remark. "My name is Detective
Daniel Travers- I've been involved with a case recently and I have to
interview Mr.Nick Carter- is this his room?"
  Jack nodded and his face got screwed up in confusion. "Well, it is... I
mean it was." He said. "We switched rooms a few days ago. Is there a problem?"
  "Not a problem, no. He was present at the hotel the night Chris Kirkpatrick
was drugged and I just need to ask him a few questions."
  "Is he a suspect?" Jack leaned up against the door.
  "No. His alibi clears him from the crime... I'm not ruling anyone out- but
for the record we're not investigating him."
  "I'm glad to hear that... let me take you to his room." Jack grabbed his
card key and escorted the private dick down the hallway. "He told me he
needed a more private and larger space for something he was planning and
since we usually  have more than one person share a room, I gave him mine..."
Jack rambled. "Its a suite... I've never been in a suite till I got involved
with these guys. Its really quite astounding."
  Travers nodded and followed Jack to another set of white doors at the end
of the hall. He knocked softly and put his hands behind his back. There was a
long awkward pause as Jack looked at the imposing investigator and back to
the blank door and then back to Travers.
  Nick finally opened the door with a smile but seemed to be expecting
someone else. "What's up, Jack?" he asked.
  Travers extended his hand. "I'm a detective for the NYPD and you were on
the scene of Chris Kirkpatrick's mysterious happening?""
  "Yeah... the one that happened a month ago, right?"
  "The case is still open."
  Jack cocked his head to the side. "Perhaps we can come in and get the
questions out of the way?"
  Nick was slightly reluctant.  He was barely allowing them to see the room
through the half opened door, but he had no choice. "Yeah-it won't take long?"
  "It depends on how you answer." Travers smirked and Nick opened the door
and walked into the room. Jack followed behind. Nick stepped back out into
the hall and looked down, disappointed that it was empty.

==========================================================================

  Justin was about to knock on the door when it suddenly swung open and Nick
lunged into the hallway, knocking him down. "Oh, geez! Sorry, man." He half
laughed and half apologized. It was a strange feeling of déjà vu since this
had been how they met. Barreling into each other seemed to be a great
physical exertion for the two of them... it was a shame they were always
dressed when it happened.
  "I was just running out to see if you were coming..." Nick explained.
  "I've never been tackled before." Justin coughed as Nick helped him up.
"Well- that's a lie... but I've never been tackled in a hotel hallway before."
  They looked into each others eyes. It had been so long since they had been
face to face. Justin had a lot that he wanted to say. He wanted to look at
Nick forever and hug him so hard that his spine would evaporate. He wanted to
tell him all about his exboyfriend, Marcus and their recent visit. He wanted
to kiss those moist, pink lips that were smiling at him.
  Nick opened the door wider, "Come inside... you remember Jack, our
secretary? He's in the living room." The door closed behind them. Justin
looked at the large room before him. It had been decorated with strings of
white Christmas lights and several shaped prisms that reflected the subtle
light. The bedroom door had been closed, though a trail of monochromatic
cloth had been set up elaborately as a carpet leading inside.
  Jack moved over towards him. "Hello, Justin. Its good to see you again." He
shook his hand and shoved his fists into his pockets. He stood in between the
two teens awkwardly. It wasn't a secret why the two celebrity heart throbs
were here. Jack quickly excused himself and clumsily pulled the door behind
him.
  Justin looked at Nick, his eyes wide and he smiled wider. He was glad they
were finally alone. "Nice place you got here. Well... anything is paradise if
you've been stuck for two weeks in a hospital lounge."
  "Did Chris and Joey go home?" Nick asked as they moved to the white leather
couches.
  "They were released over the weekend. They both went to Joey's place. It's
been hectic. The holidays have been here and gone and we couldn't even enjoy
them. I made some appearances."
  "Yes, I know. I saw you and Britney on Access Hollywood."
  "One of these days I am going to actually talk to her." Justin smiled.
  Nick leaned back. "We had some filming and some recording and some gigs...
I was keeping up with your guest appearances as I was running around."
  Justin collapsed in Nick's lap, draping his arms around his boyfriends
neck. Nick laughed at this rushed, enthusiastic display of affection. "I've
missed you."
  "It's been hell. Weeks without you!" Nick kissed Justin's neck and ran his
arm across his back. He looked over towards the light switch on the other
side of the room. He had spent hours transforming the place into a romantic
wonderland and light and ambiance. Travers and Jack had interrupted his
little set up and forced him to turn on the lamps and ruin the beauty he was
creating.
  Travers had left a few minutes before Nick knocked Justin to the floor.
Nick was trying to escort Jack out so that he could reset the quirky design
that he thought might impress his boyfriend. Now he looked to the lightswitch
and wished he could darken the room, eliminate the shadows and bask in the
room he had manifested with his lover.
  Justin didn't need to notice the small details that Nick was worrying
about. He saw that a lot of work had been put into making the place look
unique and appealing. He also knew what Nick had in mind. He wanted to make
their first night together in weeks something special. He hugged Nick
tighter. The familiar smell of Nick's clothes proved that this was not a
dream. He was finally with him. All of the dilemmas and obstacles were on
hiatus and his happiness was finally rejuvenated.
  "I took the liberty of ordering dinner..." Nick said into Justin's sleeve.
"It won't be here for another forty-five minutes."
  "Its a good thing you didn't tackle the room service attendant." Justin
smiled devilishly. "But what can we do in forty-five minutes that will
increase our appetite?" He asked.
  "Its only 45 minutes. You should have higher expectations for me than that!"
  Justin giggled. "Oh, I do. But we can still work up a sweat in that time.
Trust me, I have a lot of energy." He kissed Nick lightly and his eyes
fluttered. The warm moistness of their lips caused a spark and they pressed
harder against each other. Justin slid his legs on either side of Nick's and
grinded his hips into his boyfriends pelvis. Nick let a moan escape from his
quivering lips.
  He brought his hand up Justin's back and began to massage his neck. Slowly,
the kissing slowed down and their pelvic regions ceased causing friction.
Their eyes met as their lips parted. "There's no rush. We have all night."

==========================================================================


   Kevin couldn't stop laughing. He had just been thinking about lyrics for a
song and some ridiculous rhyme had entered his head. While sitting alone in
the room, he collapsed out of the chair and laughed hysterically to himself.
He imagined putting this strange word set-up into a song. He looked down at
the pad of paper in front of him as the laugh turned into a chuckle and the
last tear of joy streaked down his face. Kevin couldn't even read his
handwriting. It looked like it might have said 'pollywog' but now he wasn't
sure.
  Whatever had made him laugh, faded away. A smile remained on his face and
he put his head back on the seat of the chair. ~Am I crazy?~ He thought to
himself. ~Who does this? Who laughs to themselves for minutes like this?~ It
didn't really matter. Perhaps being crazy was the one thing that cheered him
up. He hadn't been depressed, persay.
  Recently, the whole idea of AJ became more far-fetched than he had
originally thought. Yes, he would always love him- but being with his
bandmate was most definitly a fantasy he had concocted out of hopes and
lonliness. No one in his life had struck him as much as AJ had. Maybe no one
ever would again.
  Such people took years to actually get over. But they would be enjoyable,
prosperous, painful years. In a good way. Kevin got up from the floor and
threw his pad on the bed. There was no real inspiration in him. That rhyme
proved it. He was just in a writing mood and had nothing to say. Instead he
decided to turn on the radio. There was some sort of jazz music playing. He
couldn't stand waking up to pop music or hard rock n'roll in the morning, so
he had set his clock radio for an old standard station.
  He had told people of his favorite music in the past, but everyone's
preferences were bound to change with age. It was evolution. He walked over
to the dimmer switch attached to the bottom half of the light controls by the
door and lowered the brightness level around him. He took off his hunter
green sweater and smoothed his hair out. He laid out on the bed and turned
off the ringer on the phone.
  The next song on the radio was very soothing with a deep melody that Kevin
smiled at. He had never heard it before, but something in the message sounded
familiar. He thought of AJ again. As if he was sitting in the room with him.
His smile grew wider. The words made him realize that love may be something
that you want... but it only works when the other person wants you back.

This is a man who thinks with his heart, his heart is not always wise
This is a man who stumbles and falls, but this is a man who tries
This is a man you forgive and forgive and help protect for as long as you live

He will not always say what you would have him say
But now and then he'll say something wonderful
The thoughtless things you do will hurt and worry you
Then all at once he'll do something wonderful
He has a thousand dreams that won't come true
You know that he believes in them and that's enough for you
You'll always go along defend him when he's wrong
And tell him when he's strong he is wonderful
He'll always need your love and so he'll get your love
A man who needs your love can be wonderful

====================================================================

  They finished the last note of the Star Spangled Banner and thousands of
football fans and spectators and players cheered. The game could begin and
the BSB were so pleased to have completed one of their lifelong goals. They
were escorted off the field and back past the green room where Nick looked
inside to see Justin talking to Steven Tyler of Aerosmith about smoking and
singing.
  Howie ran a few steps to catch up with Brian who was smiling at flashing
bulbs of photographers lining the hallways. "Can I talk to you?" He asked in
a voice that could be heard above the din of the press but not by everyone in
their proximity.
  Brian felt so much in his body. A yanking in his chest that he wanted to
blame on gravity. A hollow scraping in the pit of his stomach that he wanted
to blame on hunger. A trembling in his lips that he wanted to blame on
temperature. It was all from Howie though. It was loneliness and fear and
loss.
  They moved into their dressing room and the voices were drowned out by the
slamming of the door. "Good work, everyone!" Jack straightened his burgundy
tie and smiled a bright set of teeth. "That's gotta feel good."
  Kevin nodded. "It goes off of my checklist now. The only dreams I have left
to accomplish are eating a twenty ounce steak and learning to tap-dance..."
  Jack patted him on the back and moved towards the door. "All right, I've
never been to the Superbowl before so... I'm going out to sit on the bench."
  "Have fun." Nick said while changing his shirt.
  "The bus leaves at nine o'clock. We'll beat the traffic." Jack announced as
he closed the door behind him.
  Nick yawned. "Well, that knocked the wind out of me... I'm going for a nap
in the green room."
  AJ smiled, knowing that Nick's boyfriend was waiting for him in there. They
loved being together and AJ admired their strength. He was dealing with Lana
but the happiness and eagerness he saw in Justin and Nick was incomparable.
He didn't watch them often but he could see the passion, intensity and joy in
Nick's face. After a sigh, he grabbed his duffel bag and walked out behind
Nick, pondering if meeting Britney Spears would be a good thing or not.
  Kevin opened a bottle of water and sat down on the couch. He unbuttoned his
cuffs and looked around the room. Immediately he noticed Brian and Howie
sitting with their backs to each other. His jaw tightened. He quickly looked
for someone to converse with. The room was empty. Kevin tapped his water
bottle nervously. It was obvious that Howie and Brian needed to talk with
each other. Nothing is born of uncomfortable silence. "Well... I'd like to
know what colors the teams are wearing. A lot of money goes into this
game..." Kevin said as he stood up. "Commercials and publicity, you know." He
walked slowly towards the door. "Well, umm, yeah... I'll buy you guys a foam
finger." And he closed the door behind him.
  Brian could see the back of Howie's head in the mirror. Usually he had been
the one to initiate and guide their conversations. Howie asked to talk to him
in the hallway. That was worth something, at least. Perhaps it was the growth
that Brian needed to see in Howie. This talk couldn't hurt him anymore than
he already was. Or so he thought. Brian looked at Howie's reflection. "Would
you please cut that hair a little?"
  "It is excessive." Howie smiled, not turning around. "I like looking
different for every tour. Besides, I wanted to really make sure you didn't
like girls..."
  Brian laughed and turned around. He was still looking at his love's back.
"Don't you want to look at me?"
  "You always liked me from behind..." Howie smirked as he tilted his head to
see Brian across from him. Innuendo could always break the ice. There was a
silence as their eyes met and quickly shot away. "I wanted to talk to you,
Bri." Howie turned towards him. Brian wasn't going to start the conversation
so he just waited. "We haven't been alone together in months."
  Brian was well aware of this. He had been bunking in Kevin's bedroom for
the past few weeks and avoided Howie during the tour. Any time he saw him,
intense emotions ravaged his mind and body. Keeping his distance was the best
course of action. He wanted to have this conversation but he didn't know
where it could go. Howie had broken his heart and even though he wanted to
fix everything, Brian didn't know how easily he could forgive and forget.
Morally that was the best thing to do but realistically he wasn't sure if he
could pull it off. There had been too much between them and Brian wasn't sure
if he could ever trust Howie again.
  "Look, I can't stand this. Being apart from you is killing me." Howie's
voice was low. "I need you to tell me how you're feeling and what I can do to
help you..."
  "I'm not going to tell you how to act. Either you know me and you know how
to solve this major problem or, or...or you want me to absolve you of guilt
and tell you how to fix everything." Brian stuttered and let his eyes dart
around.
  "Can't we just lay everything out on the table and work it out?"
  Brian gritted his teeth and swallowed, though his dry mouth had produced no
saliva. He felt his tears welling up but he quickly fought them back. "There
are only so many times I can hear you say you're sorry before the words stop
carrying meaning. I've been thinking about you non-stop since I found out you
cheated on me and since we tried to patch things up the first time." Brian
sat back in his chair  and blinked. "There are two parts inside of me that
want to react to this. One side needs you and can't wake up in the morning
without you in my bed. The other side... can't even believe the hurt you've
put me through and the unknown future we'd have if we dated again." Brian
stared forward. "You'll always be in my life, Howie. But I just can't love
someone that I don't know. You are not the same man I fell in love with..."
  Howie had been expecting this. He had planned two possibilities in case
this situation arose. He wanted to cry and beg Brian to take him back but
dignity was more important to him. He wanted to be angry and he wanted to
scream so loud that Madison Square Garden actually shook but he couldn't
blame Brian for the way he felt. Instead, he pouted and nodded.
  Brian had wanted to see some change in Howie. He wanted to know that in the
final stage of their relationship, they could share the same grief. Howie's
external acceptance of this depressing decrescendo made Brian break down.He
felt the tremors in his legs and the flooding tears escape his eyes. He
didn't want Howie to be with him through this. He was going to have to be
alone... He was without a lover and a shoulder to cry on. Brian stood up from
the mirrored tables and swiftly left the room.
  Howie sighed. It wasn't what he was hoping for. Seeing Brian so unhappy and
upset made him feel terrible. Knowing that he had had some part in creating
it took its toll.He stood up. He needed to take a walk or something. The door
opened and Nick and Justin entered as Howie approached.
  "Umm, everything all right?" Nick asked.
   Howie, who wasn't in the mood to justify his facial expressions, just
shook his head and pushed past the young men. Justin raised his eyebrows and
adjusted the bandana on his head. "I guess not."
  "They've got a lot of things to work out." Nick explained as his fingertips
brushed Justin's hip.
  "It must not be easy being in a relationship within a band."
  "Its the ultimate coupling of business and pleasure." The two guys sat down
and looked at each other for a few moments. "I'm the glad the only problems
we've run into so far have been with our conflicting calendars."
  "Damned calendars!" Justin shook his head.
  "So..." Nick started, "Are you ready for the half-time show?"
  Justin shuddered. "We haven't had enough time to rehearse. I have no idea
what's going to happen out there."
   "Pray for a long first half." Nick leaned forward and kissed Justin's
forehead lightly, running his hand over the singer's leg.
  Justin smiled. "That or divine inspiration." They kissed again for a moment
and sighed.
  "Sometimes I feel like that's already struck." Nick smirked. He thought of
another dream he had had. It had started more like a nightmare... being
chased and accused and offended and alone. But he saw Justin at the end and
he remembered everything being all right. The details had faded, as they
often did but being alone with his boyfriend in the empty, chilly room had
sparked some vivid picture in his brain. A long road leading to the horizon
and the two of them together. It was a vision he always needed to remember.
Nick squeezed Justin's hand and leaned back on the couch. "This is divine,
isn't it?"
  "Sure, thats one word for it."
  Lance opened the door and peeked inside. "Hey, guys... sorry to interrupt."
He averted his eyes. There was still a part of him that didn't like to see
the two of them together. It was selfish, and he liked knowing that Justin
was happy, but Lance would always have a crush on Nick. It was the way of
things. "We're going to go over the music one more time..."
  Justin shook his head. "Certainly couldn't hurt." He stood up and let his
fingertips outline Nick's jawbone. "When will I see you again?" he whispered.
  "When you least expect." Nick winked and Lance held the door open until
Justin had backed his way through it. "Break a leg, boys."

=========================================================================

  So, Very Very Late Happy New Year and Valentine's Day and President's Day!
Make some mid-new-early-year resolutions and send all criticisms to me at
BrwyDevil@aol.com, as usual!