Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 14:11:31 -0800 (PST)
From: Colleen H <reader_colleen@yahoo.com>
Subject: Scarce Heard Chapter 12

***********
DISCLAIMER:  This story is not real.  Comprende?  *NSync (ie-- Chris and
JC) may or may not be gay.  Who cares?  Whatever floats their respective
boats is their business and not mine.  I just like playing with them a
little.  No actual *NSyncers were harmed during the creation of this
story.

Thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, SCOTT, Red, Jayne, DARA, Jackie,
Angel, Demona, and everyone else who's e-mailed me about this story.  I
have a horrible memory for names, so forgive me if you're not mentioned
here.  I appreciate the feedback, I really do!  <grin>

Special thanks to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for the idea for the story's
format.  The song & lyrics are from by Creedence Clearwater Revival
(remember them?).
**********

Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below
Gloomy- JC POV
By Colleen

	How time flies... those six months when Chris went missing went a
lot faster than time is moving right now.  Somehow, I knew I'd see him
again, but now I'm not so sure.  I think he's gone for good this time.  And
I helped to cause it.  If only I hadn't been so eager to hurt him as much
as he hurt me, maybe we'd have talked about this and we wouldn't be in this
mess.  Then again, if Chris hadn't gotten *drunk* that night.... does that
really matter now, though?  Not as much as it did.

	Joey and Lance know where Chris is, I know they do.  Lance checks
his messages almost hourly, and Joey goes with him.  They're either fucking
or they're talking about Chris.  I'm not sure exactly what they do (nor do
I really care if they *are* fucking), but I would like to know where Chris
is.  Eventually I may use the information, but not just now.  It still
hurts too much.  My cell phone rings suddenly.

	"Hello?"

	"JC?" It's Danielle, Chris's ex-girlfriend.  Why would she be
calling me?

	"Hi, Dani.  What's up?"

	"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO HIM?" she screams and I jump.  Where
did *that* come from?"

	"Hunh?"

	"What did you say to break his heart like that?" she demands.

	"I broke HIS heart?  What about MINE?" I yell back at her and
there's a pause.

	"Josh, you are *both* so blind!" she finally exclaims, exasperated.
I frown.

	"What do you mean?"

	"Joshua Scott Chasez, tell me the truth-- do you love Chris?"

	"I thought I told him I didn't," I say, trying to sound like I mean
it.  Dani sighs.

	"That's not what I asked.  I asked if you LOVE him."

	"Dani, it's over and done with, so let sleeping dogs lie, as they
say."

	"Josh, until you two work this out, you're both going to be
miserable."

	"You're not in New York, are you?" I ask her, changing the subject.

	"No," she says slowly.

	"Where are you?"

	"With Chris," is all she'll say.  "How could you look him in the
eyes and tell him you don't love him, JC?  He admitted that he loves you!"

	"It's in the past," I repeat.  "What's done is done."

	"If you could see him right now, Josh..." Dani starts.  Her words
peak my curiosity.

	"What do you mean?"

	"He looks like shit," she says bluntly.  "I talked to his boss and
he isn't eating.  He's not sleeping much, either.  His eyes have lost
whatever life they had left in them after what happened six months ago.
Josh, if I didn't know Chris like I do, I'd swear he was almost ready to
commit suicide."

	"How do you know he won't?"

	"It's not in his nature to give up like *that*.  Yes, he may be a
coward about facing his feelings, but he won't just take the easy way out
by dying."

	"Dani, why are you calling me about this, anyway?" I ask her.  She
pauses again.

	"I'm trying to make you both see the truth," she says slowly and I
snort.

	"Danielle, the truth is it's hopeless.  There is no way Chris and I
can ever get back together, even if I wanted us to.  There's too much hurt
between us.  Too much distrust."

	"He trusted you, JC," Danielle shoots at me.  "He trusted you not
to break his heart, even though he broke yours.  I have never seen someone
as hurt as him.  He suffered for the entire six months he spent away from
you, and he's suffering again."

	"What do you want me to do?" I ask tiredly.

	"Forgive him?" she pleads and I sigh.

	"I can't."

	"Then this whole trip was a waste of time.  If you're too stubborn
to forgive him, and he's too hurt to talk to you, you're both screwed,"
Dani says bluntly.  "This means I took a day off work when I couldn't
afford to, came all the way here, spent a total of about two hours with my
ex-boyfriend, talked to HIS ex-boyfriend for about half an hour, and all
for nothing.  Thanks, Josh."  She hangs up before I can say anything else,
leaving me looking at the phone in shock.

	Why does everyone expect me to forgive Chris?  Yes, I know I hurt
him.  Yes, he hurt me.  I don't think anyone will ever be able to fully
heal the hurt Chris left me with, no matter how much time passes.  I
trusted him with everything I had, and he shattered it.  He shattered me.
Only with a LOT of work was Justin able to put me back together again.  And
now they want me to open myself up to the same hurt again.  Not likely!

	I sit here, in Justin's house, thinking.  And the more I think, the
more my mood gets worse, until I'm so gloomy I can hardly stand myself.
But that's what a broken heart will do to a person.  And so the gloom
gathers.

*****
Some people laugh in the dark,
Some people cry alone.
Some people talk without sayin' a thing,
And ev'rything turns out Gloomy...

Brothers'll make you look sideways,
Fathers'll make you look back.
And when you're done talking, you still got to shoot,
Cause ev'rything turns out Gloomy.
*****