Date: Mon, 16 Sep 2002 15:18:12 -0400 (EDT)
From: Kai Wailbone <wailbone@excite.com>
Subject: Second Toughest in the Infants - Chapter Eleven

SECOND TOUGHEST IN THE INFANTS
by Kai Wailbone



FOR PIERRE - things don't always end up the way you want



DISCLAIMER FOR CHAPTER ELEVEN

     This is a work of fiction. The characters are fictional,
though their names and descriptions are similar to real people.
These real people are depicted with character traits, past
histories, and sexualities that ARE NOT MEANT TO IMPLY ANYTHING
about their real-life counterparts.

Do not take this (the story) seriously. Please.

     The title is from the Underworld album "Second Toughest in the
Infants." The chapter headings are from lyrics and song names.



Second Toughest in the Infants
Chapter Eleven - Listening to the barbed wire

___________________________________

"What does it matter?
What's done is done and I should get on with my life..."
     - Stabbing Westward, "Haunting me"
___________________________________


"Sometimes... I can believe it's really not so bad. Really, there
are times when I look back on it, and things can seem so sweet,
so... gentle. Briefly gentle, of course, with maybe only a look, or
a single touch among many. But for that single touch, or for that
one second, things are perfect..."
     "Hmmm..."
     Jacob shook his head as he stared at his plate, the remains of
his pasta salad scattered like the battlefield of some tiny
country. Poking at it with his fork, he looked up.
     "So... am I just being stupid?"
     "I'm not sure I'm really the person to be telling you
anything." Jeremy smiled over his coffee, the steam fogging his
glasses. "I really haven't been around enough, and certainly
haven't seen you two together enough, to make any kind of
judgement, even if I was the kind of person who MADE judgements
about these kinds of things. Or even got involved in these kinds of
things."
     "But I ALWAYS talk to you about these things..."
     "No, you always talk to me about THINGS." Jeremy looked at him
pointedly. "This whole gay-thing with Ashley is a relatively new
topic."
     "But he... you heard what he did!"
     "Yes. Yes, I did." Jeremy's expression hardened. "When someone
laughs in your face... you never forget it."
     "And he's... he's using me. I think. For sex. And he's not
even being subtle about it anymore."
     Jeremy put down his coffee. "Then it sounds to me like you've
already figured out what you need to do."
     Jacob looked up sharply. "If I already figured it out, I
wouldn't be talking to you, would I?"
     "Not necessarily." Jeremy leaned back in his chair. "Sometimes
people just need to talk, to get their own thinking straight. Or
they want approval or assurances that what they're doing is right."
     "I don't need..." Jacob trailed off and thought about it. "I
don't need... your approval..."
     "Didn't say you did."
     "But... I WOULD like your advice." Jacob looked up. "Do you
think I should... I mean... should I... DUMP him?"
     Jeremy smiled, irritatingly complacent. "All I can do, old
son, is reiterate my old advice. Which you seem to have done your
best to ignore."
     "So what you're saying is... 'I told you so'?"
     Jeremy shrugged. "Not in so many words. But if it makes you
feel better, yes."
     Jacob sighed. "So it comes down to me should have listened to
you, huh?"
     "Doesn't it always?" Jeremy grinned, but his eyes flickered
down to his cell phone sitting beside his plate.
     Jacob noticed. "What was that?"
     Jeremy looked up innocently. "What?"
     "That look to your cell. Should I feel slighted that I'm not
as important as an expected call?"
     "Huh? Oh! No..." Jeremy chuckled nervously as he fiddled with
his phone. "It's just... my sisters are coming soon. And... I don't
want to miss their call."
     Jacob smiled and allowede the topic of Ashley drop. "When's
the last time you saw them?" he asked.
     "Last year," Jeremy said arily, but Jacob could hear the
underlying tension. "We only get to see each other once a year."
     From experience, Jacob knew not to ask why, so instead he
asked, "So... who's going to be at the party? I'm really looking
forward to it."
     "Yeah, so am I. My sisters, of course..."

******************

Dan closed the bathroom door, letting the darkness become complete
around him. Leaning against the door, he closed his eyes, trying to
relax. Trying to let himself unwind. Trying... but not working.
     Keeping his eyes closed, Dan reached over and fumbled for the
light switch. Clicking it on, he found the adjusting knob and
turned it as low as it would go before going out, then opened his
eyes.
     He was tired. And not just the bone-numbing, eye-stinging
exhaustion that came from having almost no sleep the night before,
then running through a twenty-hour day - most of which was spent
waiting. No, he was tired in some other, deeper way. A way that
scared him.
     Peeling off his turtleneck, he grimaced at the smudge of
makeup that had come off on the collar. The makeup girl hadn't said
a word as she covered the marks on his neck, not even when he asked
her not to mention it to anyone. She just did her job and left him
to do his.
     Now, though, the makeup was faded from sweat and constant
rubbing against the fabric of his shirt. Staring at them in the
mirror, Dan felt a wave of helplessness overcome him, a
helplessness tinged with a mindless, impotent rage.
     For a moment his eyes met those of his reflection, and he had
to resist the urge to punch the mirror, to shatter it until no
piece was big enough to reflect his shame, and his hands were cut
to ribbons. Then maybe someone would ask what was wrong, and he'd
be forced to talk about it... forced to admit...
     -i did it-
     Dan startled himself with the level of self-loathing that
welled up inside of him at that thought.
     -and i liked it-
     -NO!-
     -i didn't. he did it. he did this to me. he...-
     He glanced up to face his own reflection. His eyes had gotten
a bit better through the day, but they still seemed... gaunt,
haunted, so obviously different that he wondered why no one else
saw it. It was as if everyone knew, or suspected, but wasn't saying
a thing for some pre-arranged reason.
     Dan laughed humorlessly, a sharp, short laugh. Wouldn't that
be the joke of the century? Everyone knowing... hell, knowing the
ubiquitousness of the cameras, they could very well have a film
documentation of it. Yet they do nothing...
     Dan's laugh turned into a racking, dry cough that almost ended
in gagging. His throat was still very sore, and he had been
infinitely relieved that no singing practices had been scheduled
for the day. Running the tap, he cupped his hands and drank several
handfuls before the coppery taste threatened to make him gag again.
     Raising his head, he wiped his mouth with the back of his
hand, but didn't turn off the water. As he let his arms fall to his
sides, he looked with mild, detached interest at the undersides of
his arms.
     His skin had always been pale, a condition he often fretted
about in the summer, when he would often burn but never tan. The
long, greenish veins showed up prominently against his wrists, and
for an instant he remembered a strange conversation he'd had with
Jeremy once.
     "You can't cut your wrists straight across," Jeremy had said,
a certain morbid excitement obvious even as he kept his voice
eerily calm. "You have to cut it length-wise, from the wrist to the
elbow. When you see it the other way in movies and stuff, it's just
wrong..."
     'Lengthwise, from the wrist to the elbow...' Dan idly traced
a line along the underside of his arm, and thought briefly about
the Leatherman Supertool, which included an extremely sharp blade,
tucked neatly into his suitcase. After all - what was that song he
had to play for piano lessons all those years ago? That theme from
the old show, MASH? "Suicide is painless"?
     'If you could guarantee it,' Dan thought, 'I would do it in a
second.'
     Laughing humorlessly again, Dan shook his head and undid his
jeans, taking a moment to turn on the shower.

*******************

     "Jeremy's sister's of course, and Trent always stops by. He
might drag the Rev with him..."
     "Wait... I know I asked before, but you never answered. Who's
The Rev?"
     Ben looked up, startled. "Oh... sorry, I keep forgetting no
one knows that nickname anymore... Reverend. The Reverend Marilyn
Manson."
     "'The Reverend'... you're kidding."
     "No, actually, I'm not. I don't know if he's REALLY been
ordained, but that's what we call..."
     "No, no..." Nick waved him quiet. "I mean... you have MARILYN
MANSON coming to your Christmas party?"
     "Well... it's not a REAL Christmas party..." Ben smiled
slightly. "And anyway, the rest of Jeremy's band will be there, as
well as a few assorted friends. But really, it's just a chance for
him to see his sisters again. He only gets to see them once a year,
you know."
     Nick leaned back in the chair, watching Ben folding clothes,
trying to decide which topic to pick up first. He'd had lunch with
Ben, who called out of the blue early in the morning, then came
back to help him pack up the hotel room he and Jeremy had been
keeping in the city "just in case." In reality, all he was doing
was chatting about meaningless things while watching as Ben
carefully packed their clothes from a hotel suite that looked like
it hadn't been used at all.
     "So, tell me... why does he only get to see his sisters once
a year?"
     "Because his father doesn't let them see him," Ben said
calmly. "They only get out between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so
they sneak over, we all celebrate the general winter holiday
season, then part ways for another year."
     "Why won't his father..."
     "His parents disowned him. For reasons I'm sure you can
guess." Ben looked at Nick. "Really, I don't want to get into this
without Jeremy, because he's actually rather tight-lipped about
this kind of thing. Just... accept that it's a big deal for him to
see his sisters, and that it's going to be one hell of a party."
     Nick shifted uncomfortably. "But I don't want to intrude on an
important family gathering..."
     Ben laughed. "You won't," he said. "In fact, you'll help be a
buffer zone between the rather conflicting guests. Besides, Jeremy
will be flattered you came."
     "Really?"
     "Sure. He really does like you."
     Nick listened carefully for any hint of jealousy in Ben's
voice, but could hear none. "Did you invite anyone else from the
set?"
     "Will, but he couldn't make it. And anyway, there will be
other friends there, people you might know."
     "Oh?" Nick tried to keep his voice casual. "Like who?"
     Just as casually, Ben answered, "The guys from O-Town... you
met them, right? Well, they'll be there."
     "Which ones?"
     "All of them." Ben snorted. "As IF Jeremy would play
favorites."
     Nick couldn't decide if Ben was being sarcastic or not, so he
smiled politely. "So... Ashley will be there?"
     "And Trevor, and Erik... really, what part of 'all of them'
didn't you get?" Ben looked at him, grinning. "Of course, I heard
about you and Ash..."
     Nick shook his head. "Nah... he and I talked. I think he's
kinda mad at me."
     "Why?"
     "Well..." Nick shrugged. "He thinks I led him on."
     Ben paused, sitting down on the side of the bed. "Led him on
how? Did he think he'd get into a relationship or something with
you?"
     "No, no, nothing like that," Nick said quickly. "Just... I
think he thought something might, you know, happen between us...
and it didn't."
     "Why not?"
     "Just... I dunno. I guess I don't like the thought of messing
up what he and Jacob have."
     "Yeah, okay." Ben said as he stood up, clear disbelief in his
voice.
     "Really. I don't like messing with established relationships."
     "Hmmm..." Ben looked at Nick slyly. "What about opened
relationships?"
     "What about them?"
     "I mean... if you met a couple guys who wanted you to join
in?"
     "What, you mean Jacob and Ashley?"
     Ben laughed quietly. "No... I meant Jeremy and me."
     Nick stared at Ben for a moment, then smiled. "So... what's
Marilyn Manson really like?"
     "Ah, changing the subject. Gotcha... um... well, the Rev?" Ben
thought for a moment as he closed the suitcase. "He's... quiet.
Real bad dresser. And - oh, in case it comes up, he and Trent just
worked things out, so if you feel tension, don't think..."
     "What about Jacob?"
     Ben looked up, surprised. "Um... what?"
     "Jacob. Jeremy said Ashley was definitely not gay, but
Jacob... he's kinda cute."
     "Yeah, well... he is. Cute, I mean. And... I'm really not
supposed to be talking about this..." Ben trailed off, staring at
Nick. "What is this, anyway?"
     Nick just grinned. "Just preparing myself for the party."
     "Preparing yourself my ass. Why do you want to know if Jacob
is..."
     "Top or bottom?"
     Ben sighed and pulled the suitcase onto the floor. "What?"
     "You. Top or bottom?"
     Ben straightened and turned to find Nick had moved closer to
him. His grin became suggestive. "Well, you know Jeremy... what do
you think?"
     "I don't know. But I can't imagine Jeremy being submissive."
     Ben chuckled slightly as he came to stand in front of where
Nick was sitting. "I think you'd be surprised, then."
     Nick reached out and ran his hand along the inside of Ben's
thigh, pulling him closer. "I like surprises," he said.

*******************

     Dan found him sitting alone in a park, staring at the barely
visible sunset. No stars were visible against the bright city
lights, and a faintly pinkish glow created a feeling of tension
against the atmosphere. Dan didn't like looking at it for too long,
being used to the clear Ohio nights, and shivered in spite of the
heat.
     "Hey." Settling down on the grass, Dan smiled slightly.
     "Hey, yourself." Jacob didn't even look up.
     Dan let the silence go for a bit, then reached for Jacob's
water bottle. "May I?"
     Jacob didn't say anything, but watched as Dan raised it to his
lips and took a swallow.
     Dan's throat suddenly felt like it was on fire, and he spit
most of the warm liquid out, coughing violently. Jacob's expression
didn't change at all, and he watched with almost offensive
detachment as Dan slowly recovered.
     "Don't waste it," Jacob said.
     "Wha... what the FUCK is that?" Dan asked, staring at the
plastic bottle in his hands.
     "Peppermint schnapps," Jacob said, his voice a virtual
monotone.
     "Peh..." Dan stared at Jacob. "Peppermint FUCKING schapps?"
     Jacob's mouth curved into a very small smile. "Yeah," he said.
     Dan laughed in spite of himself, a raw, fragile sound. Taking
another swallow, he grimaced at the cloying sweetness as he handed
it back. "Could have warned me."
     Jacob shrugged and turned back to the sky.
     Dan shook his head slightly, wondering at his ability to
laugh. And now that he knew, he noticed Jacob's motions were slow
and clumsy. He breifly wondered how long Jacob had been drinking.
     As the silence stretched out longer, Dan felt the alcohol
slowly warm him from the inside, and for a moment he felt a strange
comeraderie with Jacob.
     "So... how's it going?"
     Jacob shrugged again.
     "That good, huh?"
     No answer.
     Dan hesitated, uncertain of how to start this. "Um... Jacob...
is it alright if I talk to you about something?"
     Jacob took a sip from his water bottle. After a long pause, he
said, "Sure."
     Dan took a deep breath. "It's about... something personal.
And... well, I understand if you don't want to talk about it,
because... you're really... and I..."
     Jacob turned. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.
     Dan felt himself pushed to the verge of tears already in spite
of himself. Taking a shakey breath, he resisted the urge to slap
himself. "I... please don't ask me why I'm asking, and please don't
be mad, but..."
     Jacob handed Dan his bottle, which Dan took gratefully. Taking
two large swallows, Dan handed it back, trying to calm down.
     "It's okay, Dan," Jacob said, his voice now barely above a
whisper. "What's going on?"
     Dan looked up, then looked away quickly. "I'm just... having
some trouble dealing with some things."
     "Hmm." Jacob took a sip of schnapps. "I think we all are."
     Dan felt a surging irritation at Jacob's indifference. Jacob
was acting as if his problems were greater than anyone else's, and
he didn't have the time to listen to anyone else's.
     Taking a deep breath, Dan asked, "Ashley?"
     Jacob nodded. "Yeah, he's... I'm starting to think things
really won't work out between us."
     "Oh?" Dan looked sideways over to Jacob. "Why... uh... why do
you think that?"
     Jacob sighed. "I won't... DISGUST you with the details."
     Dan almost laughed. "I, uh... don't worry about it."
     Jacob didn't seem to have heard him. "He just knows exactly
which buttons to press. We've been together for so long, we know
what gets to each other..."
     "We all know that. We've all been together for a while."
     "Yeah, well... he knows... other stuff, too." Jacob tucked his
dreads behind his ear. Just that simple action tilted him slightly
off balance, and he had to put his hand back agains the ground to
steady himself. "He knows what to say, how to get me into... how to
get me to... dammit, Dan, I told him I loved him."
     Dan looked at Jacob sharply, and had to look away in
embarassment. Jacob looked like he was ready to cry himself, and
Dan didn't feel like comforting him. It just felt like too much
effort, and he had his own problems to think about.
     "Bummer. He didn't take it well, I guess."
     "He laughed at me."
     Dan distinctly heard Jacob's voice tremble. He grunted, not
wanting to encourage Jacob's continuing thoughts. He was trying
desperately to think of way to leave without seeming harsh and
insensitive when Jacob stood up.
     "Sorry, Dan, I... I've got to..." Trailing off, he stumbled up
and started walking away.
     Without thinking Dan stood up. "Jake... where're you going?
Jake?" Jacob didn't turn, so Dan stood up and ran after him.
"Jake... c'mon..." Reaching Jacob, he grabbed his arm. "Jacob,
c'mon, I..."
     "Get away from me!" Jacob tried to pull away from him, but Dan
wouldn't let him. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he turned Jacob
around, knocking Jacob off balance and almost causing them both to
fall.  In spite of it all, Jacob kept trying to bury his face in
his hands, not looking up.
     "Jacob, dammit!" Dan felt his frustration well up and overcome
him, and he shook Jacob by his shoulders hard enough to hear his
teeth click together.
     Jacob blinked, tears still streaking down his cheeks, but his
face was slack as he looked up at Dan, clearly dazed.
     "Dan..."
     Dan suddenly felt ashamed. Letting Jacob go, he stammered,
"Um... I just..." Just the sight of Jacob staring at him, shock and
pain on his face... Dan almost turned away himself, ready to run,
but he was held back, his breath was shoved from his chest as Jacob
threw his arms around Dan and squeezed hard. Confused, Dan stood
unstable for several seconds, certain Jacob was attacking him
before he realized Jacob was jugging him. Clumsily, he reached his
arms around Jacob and hugged him back.
     "Hey... Jake..."
     Jacob started to shake as he cried against Dan's chest.
     "Jake... Jacob..." Uncomfortable, Dan reached down and
carefully pried Jacob off of him. Taking Jacob's chin in his hand,
he lifted his face up. "Jake..."
     Jacob smiled slightly through his tears. "I'm... I'm sorry,
you must think..."
     "I don't." Dan surprised himself by smiling. Jacob's tear-
streaked face triggered something inside, and his earlier
irritation was washed away. Reaching into his pocket, he fumbled
until he found his bandana and used it to wipe Jacob's face. Jacob
reached up for it, and turned away as he started crying even
harder.
     "Oh, God, I'm sorry..."
     "Jacob... you don't need to be sorry."
     "But..."
     Dan reached around Jacob's neck and turned him back around.
"Jacob..."
     Jacob looked up and stared, his eyes wet and turning slightly
red. Dan touched his forehead against Jacob's and smiled at him.
Jacob managed a very small smile back.
     "Dan..." Jacob tilted his face slightly, his breath warm and
gentle as a butterfly's touch on Dan's cheek.
     Dan was surprised at how soft Jacob's lips were when they
pressed against his.

*******************

"FOR THIS WEEKEND..." Mike paced slowly across the room, staring
intently at the far wall. "For this weekend," he repeated, "due to
the cajoling, whining, and generally PERSISTENT demands of Jeremy,
as well as several favors owed to him, the cameras will not be
present. This is NOT..." Mike paused and turned to look each of
them in the eye. "I repeat, NOT, an excuse for you to do whatever
you want. Jeremy HAS agreed to allow Cleve to come along, but this
still leaves much of the responsibility up to you. You cannot have
any scars, bruises, or issues that need explaination when the
cameras turn back on when you return. You will be polite, give no
reason for the police to be called, and rest assured I will be
checking in with Jeremy every day..."
     "Mike?"
     Mike didn't even pause, apparently not having noticed someone
else was trying to talk.
     "...cannot stress enough, you are expected to be on your best
behavior..."
     "MIKE!"
     Mike paused, looking surprised, as if he'd forgotten anyone
else was there. "What?"
     Erik looked back at him sullenly. "You don't need to treat us
like little kids, you know."
     Mike blinked. "Excuse me?"
     "Why are you treating us like this?" Erik asked loudly. "We're
not little children. We can behave, you know."
     "Your pattern of behavior has shown otherwise." Mike looked
across the room. "The editors and directors have enough on their
hands trying to keep the show on track without any more stress. We
already have a huge gap between what will probably be shown for the
second season of the show." Erik couldn't be sure, but he thought
he saw Mike look pointedly at Jacob. "This is a business, people,
whether you like it or not, and..."
     "And still, we're not children." Erik didn't know why he was
getting all upset about this, but for a moment he missed Marc and
Jay horribly. At that moment, he could not remember them talking
down to them quite so much, and not for the first time he wondered
where they went...
     "No... no, you're not children," Mike said softly.
     Erik felt a brief moment of triumph, the other guys staring at
him slightly.
     "But you ARE valuable assets. An investment, if you will, that
a lot of people have put a lot of money into. Whether you like it
or not, these people are highly interested in protecting their
investment, and yes, this will occasionally involve you being
treated as something other than ordinary young men. Because you're
NOT ordinary young men."
     "No shit," Erik muttered. He heard Trevor snicker softly.
     Mike glared at them for a moment, then in a low, angry voice
said, "If I were you, I would be grateful. If it had been up to
some of us, you wouldn't be leaving on this little vacation. You
would still be working, and under our constant supervision. If I
were you, I would put up with a little shit from me, because it
could be a LOT worse."
     Erik tried to roll his eyes, but it didn't work, so he just
tuned out as Mike continued to talk.
     Trevor tried to get his attention, but Erik wouldn't look up.
Part of him was frustrated and resentful of Mike and the -
admittedly - truth behind his words. But a larger part of him, an
irrational part of him, was furious that the other guys were quiet,
not arguing with him, not lifting a finger to support him. Things
had changed... it was as if they were all dead, lifeless husks,
just... no, dogs. Erik smiled slightly to himself. The proverbial
dogs that were beaten, but didn't react.
     Looking past Trevor, he watched Ashley play with his cell
phone, wrapping a loose thread from his sweater around the
antennae. Ashley hadn't said a word pretty much all day. And Dan
and Jacob... they were sitting in the back of the room, drinking
gallons of water from their water bottles, smiling at some joke
only they seemed to share.
     Erik turned back to Mike, who didn't seem to notice they
weren't paying him any attention at all, droning on about how
things could be worse.

*****************

"You... you want to come in for a sec?"
     Dan stared at Jacob, standing in front of his door, key card
poised over the lock. Though he hesitated, his mind still fuzzy
with alcohol, he licked his lips, excited in spite of himself. "You
sure?"
     "Yeah." Jacob smiled slightly. "I'm sure."
     Dan followed Jacob into his room. Unsurprisingly, it was a
complete mess, clothes thrown everywhere and the beds unmade. Jacob
stood nervously in the corner, not meeting Dan's eye.
     "So, looks like you've got a bit of packing to do," Dan said,
glancing around.
     "Yeah, well, most of this stuff is Ash's..." Jacob shrugged.
     Dan smiled back. "Yeah, well..." An uncomfortable silence
stretched out until he forced a laugh. "So... Mike was a bit...
harsh today, wasn't he?"
     "A bit." Jacob stumbled slightly. "Whoa..." Grinning, he sat
down on the side of one of the beds. "Sitting down..."
     Dan smiled back. "Had a few too many?"
     Jacob started to giggle, but coughed to cover it. "Um... so
did you."
     "Yeah, but I can handle it better than you."
     "Bullshit, I'm older than you."
     "Yeah, but you're, what, thirty pounds lighter?"
     Jacob's smile faded. "Yeah, well..."
     Another long silence stretched out. Dan glanced at his watch,
then back at the hotel room door. Taking a deep breath, he said,
"Um... Jacob?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Do you, uh... I mean... would you mind it terribly..." Dan
closed his eyes. "Would you mind if I spent the night here? Me and
Ashley... he's..."
     "Don't worry about it."
     Dan opened his eyes, still unsure if he should sigh with
relief. "So you don't mind?"
     Jacob looked away, but he was smiling. "I'd actually like
that."
     Dan smiled back. "Cool." Licking his lips, he came hesitantly
around and sat down next to Jacob.
     Jacob still didn't turn around, but Dan could tell he was
waiting, paying attention to every move he was making.
     "Jacob..." Lifting his hand, he touched Jacob's shoulder. He
felt Jacob flinch slightly.
     "Dan, I..."
     "I'm sorry, I thought you..."
     "No, I do..."
     It happened faster than Dan thought it would, and it ended up
to be a lot easier.

_____________________________________
To answer your question before you ask it - NO, I don't know where
I'm going with this. I have no idea what's about to happen. I was
as surprised as you are. -- Kai Wailbone  wailbone@excite.com
_____________________________________
Coming soon...
Second Toughest in the Infants
Chapter 12 - Resonator (part 3.1)