Date: 6 Apr 2000 18:20:28 -0700
From: Nate Davis <author@backstreetboys.com>
Subject: Silent Tears Chapter Four

Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys
By: N. Davis

Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual
content about the Backstreet Boys.  If any way you are offended by this
please leave now.  However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know
what you thought of it.

Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read,
because the chapters will be narrated by Kevin Richardson as his journal
entries.  There will be short passages which will be told through various
people to help move along the plot of the story.


Chapter 4:  A New Friend

	After finishing his latest journal entry, Kevin decided he wanted
to take a shower.  He remembered to put his journal it's secret place.  One
day he hoped to be able to show his journal to the rest of the guys, but he
knew that they weren't ready to see some of the entries, Kevin had written,
in fact Kevin has never showed anyone his journal.

	Kevin got undressed and threw on his robe.  Before he entered the
bathroom he grabbed his shaving kit from his bag.  The guys have only just
arrived in Los Angeles earlier the day before and with everything that has
gone on in the past two days, Kevin had not managed to unpack yet, and
since the guys were leaving tomorrow to finish their current leg of the
"Into the Millennium Tour," he saw no reason in doing it now.

Once in the bathroom Kevin decided he would fill up the Jacuzzi bathtub
instead of taking a shower.  Kevin began the water, making sure it wasn't
to hot or to cold.  He re-entered the main room of his suite to get some
candles he brought with him wherever he went.  Kevin loved to relax with a
hot bath with all the lights turned down with just a few flickers of light
from candles to light the room.  As he entered the bathroom he placed the
candles in different places around the tub and sink and turned off the
lights.  With the tub filled to where he wanted it, Kevin hit the button,
which made the tub turn into a Jacuzzi.  Kevin took off his robe and just
about as he was ready to step into his bath, his phone began to ring.  At
first he decided to ignore it, but he knew that it was probably the others
calling to make sure he was safely at the hotel.  Kevin, in a hurry to get
to the phone, slammed his knee of the corner of the sink.

"Dam, that hurt," Kevin exclaimed as he grabbed his knee.  "I'm gonna have
to either bring more candles or start bringing a flashlight with me form
now on.  This is the second time this week I've done this," he thought
aloud to himself.

Running to get the phone, and rubbing his knee, Kevin ran naked from the
bathroom to the bed where he left his phone.

"Hello," Kevin answered the phone kind of out of breath.

"Hey cous, what wrong you sound like you just ran up a flight of steps,"
Brian replied on the other end of the phone.

"No I was just getting ready to take a bath before I go to bed, and I had
to run to get to the phone."

"Okay well just be careful and don't run into anything, and hurt yourself.
I just called to see if you got in okay.  The other guys decided that since
we have to leave tomorrow early, that we would be back at the hotel later
tonight.  Maybe we can all meet tomorrow for breakfast."

"Sure Brian that sounds fine," Kevin replied lacking enthusiasm.  "Is their
anything else, my water's getting cold?"

Brian could tell by Kevin's tone that he wasn't in the mood to chat so he
let Kevin go.  Brian rejoined the other guys at the party, which was just
starting to get off the ground.

As Brian rejoined the guys, AJ asked, "Brian is Kevin okay?  Did he get
back to the hotel alright?"

"Yea AJ he's fine.  He said he was going to take a bath and then go
straight to bed.  He's pretty tired..."

"Well staying out all night last night drinking will do that to you," Howie
said sarcastically interrupting Brian.

All the guys looked at Howie with annoyance and provocation.  They all have
had enough with his comments for one evening, but in order to prevent a
fight with him tonight, they ignored the comment. Seeing that they weren't
amused Howie left the other four guys and started to mingle with a few of
his quests.



Meanwhile back at Kevin's hotel suite, Kevin was enjoying his bath.  He
loved to just relax.  Kevin's problems were no longer confusing his mind.
It was as if nothing in the world mattered anymore.  Kevin was alone in his
room and it seemed as if he was alone in the world for this brief
time. While sitting in the bath, Kevin started thinking about his song that
he was writing.  He hoped that Brian and himself would have some time next
week to finish it.  Kevin had written the second verse and chorus and all
he needed was a few more days to work on it before it would be finished.

After about an hour in the bath, Kevin decided he'd better get out before
he fell asleep.  He quickly washed his hair, before he did.  Kevin stepped
out of the Jacuzzi and grabbed his towel to dry himself off.  Kevin grabbed
his robe, and flicked on the lights.  Taken back by the sudden surge of
light in the room, Kevin was blinded for a brief second or two.  Slowly,
Kevin's eyes focused in the light and Kevin was able to see clearly again.
Before going to bed. Kevin grabbed his toothbrush and quickly brushed his
teeth.  After he was done he combed his hair and neatly put everything back
where it belonged.  Kevin shut the lights out as he entered into this
bedroom.

Before lying down, Kevin grabbed some clothes to sleep in and got dressed.
Kevin hung his robe up to dry and straightened up his room.  With all that
done he was ready to go to bed.  He turned off all the lights, turned on
his radio and lay down.  Kevin realizing how tired he really was was
shocked that he could not fall asleep.  Tossing and turning, trying to get
comfortable, Kevin found himself starring at the ceiling.  Finally after
about an hour of restlessness, Kevin finally managed to drift off to sleep.

Just as Kevin was comfortably sleeping he was awaken by the sound of his
phone ringing.  Thinking it was the hotel calling to wake him up, Kevin
rolled over to answer the phone.

"Hello," Kevin said rather unenthusiastically.

"Hey Kev, it's Brian again.  I hope I didn't wake you?"

"Brian, what time is, never mind, what do you want."

"Well I just called to let you know that, the guys and I will not be
returning to the hotel.  We'll meet you tomorrow at the hotel for breakfast
around 9 o'clock."

"Yea okay whatever Brian, I can't believe you woke me up for that.  Do you
know how hard it was for me to fall asleep in the first place?  Anyway
since you have me on the phone, I wan to know if we're going to have time
to work on that song for the next album sometime next week.  What's your
schedule like, when were not performing?"

Kevin waited anxiously for Brian's response.  He could hear Brian talking
to the other guys in the background.

"Well, do you have any free time or not," Kevin replied rather
apprehensively.

"You know what Kevin, let me get back to you..." Brian started to say
before Nick interrupted him in the background.

"B-rok, just tell him you're not interested in doing this song with him and
get it over with.  He'll understand, he's tougher than we give him credit
for."

"Brian lets just see what happens with our schedules over the next couple
of weeks," Kevin replied pretending not to hear what Nick had said.

"Alright, Kev, see you tomorrow at the hotel.  Bye"

Kevin hung up his end of the line almost in tears.  Not so much that Brian
didn't like his song, but because he the way he had found out.  Knowing he
would not be able to fall back asleep, Kevin got out of bed and got
dressed.  He quickly put the clothes back on form the award show earlier.
On the way out of his room, Kevin grabbed his key and phone.  Wanting to be
alone, Kevin decided to take a stroll through the hotel's gardens, which
were illuminated up at night.  Kevin peacefully strolled through the
gardens, stopping to admire the beauty and color present around him, never
forgetting what Nick said earlier over the phone.

As Kevin, was walking around the gardens and thinking to himself, he became
rather cold.  The dampness of the weather sent chill shrieking through his
body, making the hairs on his arms stand at attention.  Wishing he had
brought his jacket, Kevin slipped his hands into his pocket for warmth.  As
Kevin's hand's rummaged through his pockets, he found something inside one
of them.  Questioningly, Kevin removed the paper form his pocket to see
what it was.  Written on the piece of paper was a guy's name with a number
scribbled under it.

At first, Kevin was thunderstruck.  He wasn't sure who this 'Drew' person
was or where he got the number from.  Still a little sleepy, it took Kevin
a few moments to remember whom this Drew person was and how he got his
number.  After finally realizing that Drew was the young man Kevin met
earlier tonight while he was wondering around the basement of the Staples
Center.  Intrigued, by the mysteriousness of the man he met earlier, Kevin
was tempted to call Drew.  Unable to resist his temptation, Kevin took out
his phone and dialed the number.

Waiting, for someone to pick up the phone on the other end of the line,
Kevin's knees became weak from a sense of fear and anticipation.  Earlier
this evening, Kevin was so moved by this young man's work, and he almost
felt a connection between himself and Drew.  Kevin allowed the phone to
ring about seven times before he decided to hang up.  Just about as Kevin
was getting ready to hang up, someone had picked up the phone.

"Hello," a voice answered.

Not recognizing the voice, Kevin was a little apprehensive about saying
anything.  Finally he got up enough courage to reply, "May I speak to Drew
please?"

With some hesitation, the person on the other end replied, "This is Drew,
may I ask who's calling?"

"Drew, I don't know if you remember me but earlier tonight, I met you at
the Staples Center.  My name is Kevin Rich..."

"Yea I remember you, how could forget meeting someone with your talent.
I'm just a little shocked to hear from you.  When you asked for my number I
thought you were just being nice.  I never imagined that you would actually
ever call me, especially tonight.  Shouldn't you be at one of the many
parties going on?"

"Well, if I didn't intend on ever calling you, I would have never asked for
your number.  I'm not like that," Kevin replied rather warily, while
laughing at the same time.

On the other end, still shocked about who he was actually talking with,
Drew apologetically responded, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply any..."

"Shh, I was joking.  There's no need for any apologies.  I just called
because I was really moved by your music tonight.  I would love to have the
chance to work with you some day.  You have some real talent, I hope you
know that."

The two new acquaintances talked for a few minutes about their goals. Kevin
mostly listened to Drew.  For some reason, unbeknownst to him, Kevin was
fascinated by this young man he met.  Kevin continued walking around the
gardens listening to his new friend.  For a brief moment there was an
awkward moment of silence between the two young men.  A little nervous,
Kevin decided it was time.

"Drew, I knows it late, but would you like to grab a cup of coffee and talk
with me a little more," Kevin asked.  "I'll understand if you say no."

Shocked by the question, Drew could only have one answer, "Yes."

"Good do you want to come to my hotel, or would you like to meet somewhere
else.  I can send a car to pick you up."

"Thanks but Kevin, that won't be necessary.  I can drive myself.  Which
hotel are you staying at?"

In response to Drew's question, Kevin let him know where he was staying and
what his room number was.  He also told Drew that he would have to see the
desk clerk first for security reasons, before he would have access to
Kevin's floor.  After that the two hung up with each other.  Kevin walked
out of the gardens and Started back towards his room.  For the first time
since before their performance, Kevin was smiling.  He went up to his room,
to straighten up for his quest.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Kevin quickly changed clothes into something more comfortable.  He thought
his clothes from the Grammys were just a bit to formal for a friendly
discussion.  Kevin grabbed a pair of jeans and his favorite sweater from
his suitcase.  After getting dressed, Kevin called down to room service for
a pot of coffee and a variety of sweets.  Before Drew arrived Kevin made up
his bed, like his mother taught him when he was growing up.

Twenty-Five minutes after Kevin called room service, there was a knock at
the door.  Anticipating that it might be Drew, Kevin jumped from his sofa,
and took one final glance in the mirror.  Looking himself over one final
time, making sure every piece of hair was in place, Kevin answered the
door.  On the other side were the room service cart and a hotel employee.

"Mr. Richardson, where would you like me to put this," the waiter asked?

"Please call me Kevin," he replied.  "I can take it form here."

Kevin signed his name to the bill, making sure to leave a generous tip for
the waiter.  After he returned the bill to the waiter, Kevin wheeled the
cart into his suite and set everything on the table.  Kevin pushed the cart
into the closet where it was out of sight of his guest.  With everything
ready to go, Kevin sat back down on the sofa, awaiting his guest.
Anxiously awaiting Drew to show up, he turned on the television to help
pass the time.

Unsure why, Kevin was unable to think about anything except of Drew and his
song.  Flipping through the channels with the remote, Kevin kept looking at
his watch; each time hoping it would be the last he would have to.  About
fifteen minutes had passed since, room service came, and Kevin started to
feel as if he was stood up.  Realizing that Drew wasn't coming, Kevin
gathered the food off of his table and placed it back on the food service
cart.  With everything in place, Kevin began to roll the cart towards the
door to place it outside of his room.  Kevin opened his door just as Drew
was about to knock.  Speechless, about the coincidence, Kevin stood there
in awe.

Earlier tonight, when he met Drew, for the first time, He never really
looked at him.  The little room they met in was barley lit.  Kevin was only
able to catch glimpses of Drew's face through the shadows of light.
However, now in the brilliantly lit hallway, Kevin stood there in
amazement.  He pictured Drew to be a bit shorter than he really was.

Drew had light brown hair, with shades of auburn mixed in.  He was
approximately Kevin's height and looked directly into Kevin's gazing stare.
Helpless Kevin was unable to look away from Drew's face.  Drew's eyes were
crystal blue, like the water in the Caribbean.  His skin was the perfect
shade of olive brown, not to dark, not to light. Kevin felt something deep
within himself that he's never felt before.  Fumbling around, trying to
form his thoughts into words, Kevin uttered something out of his mouth.
Drew not sure of what Kevin had said, introduced himself.

"Hi Kevin, my name name's Drew Thomas," he said as he extended his hand out
to greet Kevin's.

Realizing, Drew wanted to shake hands, Kevin extended his arm to meet
Drew's.  The two shook hands and Kevin invited his quest in to sit down.

"Sorry about that Drew, I thought you weren't coming so I was about to go
to bed.  I was shocked to see you standing there at my door when I opened
it.  I want to apologize for staring at you.  You see this evening when we
first met; I never got a good view of you.  You're nothing like I pictured
you to look like," Kevin told Drew has he followed his quest into the room.

Accepting his apology Drew sat down on the chair.  Intrigued by what Kevin
had just said, Drew was tempted to ask, "So Kevin, can I ask you what you
thought I looked like?"

Kevin taking a seat across from Drew; blushed a little recalling his first
image of Drew form his subconscious.

"Well, I hope I don't offend you, but I for got all about meeting you till
I found your number this evening.  I debated whether or not I should call
you or not, and I did."

"Thanks for calling me, I'm such a fan and I love your music.  But you
still haven't answered my question."

Drew's statement produced a smile to form on Kevin's face.  To Kevin, Drew
was an angel sent form God.  This smile was a real, true smile, not one
that he had to force himself to make.  Kevin sat there smiling trying to
think of how to answer Drew's question.

"Well, you see I've always been told I have a vivid imagination.  So my
first thought was that you were a deformed person who lived in the basement
of the arena making music.  I pictured you to look something like Quasimodo
from, 'Notre Dame', or something similar to 'The Phantom of the Opera,'
only in your case it would be The Phantom of The Grammys.

Both men chuckled at Kevin's response. Laughing until it hurt.  Trying to
gather himself Drew stopped laughing enough to say, "Well, Kevin you do
have quite an imagination.  I'm sorry to have disappointed you."

"Who said I was disappointed.  I admit sometimes my imagination gets the
best of me, but this one time I'm glad to see that it did," Kevin said as
he looked away from his friend. For a moment there was an awkward silence
between the two, both unsure of what to say next.  Kevin waited a brief
moment, which to him seemed like an eternity, before asking, "Drew, may I
ask why you were in the basement, in that tiny room. If I'm being nosey
just tell me."

Drew sat in his chair, thinking how to approach, Kevin's question.  Finally
he decided the truth was the best.  "Well Kevin I could ask you the same
thing, but since you asked my first, I'll tell you."

"You see I'm at senior at UCLA, and I working on my final project.  I'm a
music major, specializing in piano and music theory.  Money's really tight
so, I started working at the Staples Center a coupe months ago as part of
the maintenance crew.  One night while putting some stuff away in the
basement, I found a room that had all sorts of music instruments.  I also
found another room that had a grand piano, the room that you also found
tonight.  Since money is tight, I cant afford my own piano, so I started
using my access to the Staples Center to finish my senior project and work
on my own music.  Until tonight, no one has ever found out my secret."

"And no one will found out form me," Kevin replied. "So I guess it's my
turn to tell you why I was down in the basement."

"Well, if you want to, I'm not pressuring you."

"No it's okay, you told me your story, and I can share mine.  After our
performance tonight I needed to get away.  See, whenever I sing 'Show Me
The Meaning...' it brings back thoughts of my father's death to me.  Well,
tonight while I was singing, I looked up into the audience and for a brief
second, I thought I saw my dad in the audience.  As soon as our song was
over, I ran off stage.  I needed to be alone, so I managed to find my way
down into the basement, where I found you."

Kevin, with tears beginning to form in his eyes, left his seat and turned
away from Drew.  This time, the moment of silence between these two wasn't
awkward, in fact, it was almost as if Drew was meant to hear that story.
Quietly Drew walked up behind Kevin and wrapped him in a hug.  By this
time, Drew, himself had begun to cry.  Standing there, holding and
comforting Kevin, Drew quietly began to speak.

"Kevin, let it all out. I know the memories are painful, but in the end you
will feel a lot better.  Both of my parents are dead and for five years I
was haunted with the thought that it was my fault.  I kept thinking that
there was something I've could have done to save my parents.  It wasn't
till I met a friend form school that he showed me that I wasn't at fault
for my parent's death.  He showed me that even though people are gone they
are never absent form our mind and as long as we continue to think about
them, they will always be here."

Drew's words helped to soothe Kevin's heart and ease his mind.  Kevin and
Drew walked over to the couch and sat down together.  It was late and Drew
decided it was time for him to leave.  Kevin walked him to the door, but
something between them had changed.  Friends they still were, but it was a
new kind of friendship, one that Kevin had waited for his entire life.

Before leaving, Drew looked into Kevin's eyes and stared into his soul.
Without thinking of the consequences, Kevin embraced his friend and kissed
him passionately on the lips.  For these two new friends, the world around
them ceases to exist. They were the only two that mattered.

The kiss between these two was the spark needed to start a raging fire in
their souls for one another.  Knowing that nothing would ever happen
between these two, both of them stood there embracing each other, enjoying
the time they had spent with one another.  Drew pulled away from Kevin and
deeply stared into his eyes.  Although, either man uttered not a single
word, hours of communication passed in a few seconds.  It was once said
that our eyes are the windows to our souls.  That idea was never more
evident than at this time or place.  Drew parted from Kevin, but never took
his eyes away from the face of his friend.  Grabbing his jacket, Drew took
one last good look into Kevin's soul.  With tears forming in his own eyes,
Drew walked away from Kevin and out into the hallway.

Trying to speak to Drew, asking him not to leave, Kevin followed him into
the hallway, although he was unable to form his thoughts into words.
Helpless, Kevin watched as Drew walked towards the elevator.  As the doors
opened Drew stepped into the elevator turning one last time to look back at
Kevin.  Still trying to say something to stop Drew from leaving, Kevin
stood there like a stone statue.  As the doors to the elevator began to
close Kevin began to cry uncontrollably.  With the doors to the elevator
closed completely Drew was taken from Kevin.

Needing to talk with someone, Kevin knew that he was alone, and there was
no one he could turn to for help this time.  He entered his room and went
right for his desk.  At times like this he always felt a little better
after writing in his journal.  Kevin took the book form its hiding place
and sat at the table.  For a few moments, Kevin stared blankly at his
journal hoping that one day he would be bale to share its contents with
someone, but he knew the only person who would ever understand had just
exited his life.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


	Well once I again I find myself alone in this room writing my
thoughts onto the pages of this book.  I'm not sure how I feel about Drew,
but I do know that tonight with him was very special.  I've known for
sometime that I'm not attracted to the opposite sex, but until tonight I've
never actually been attracted to anyone guy.  I've shared my discovery with
anyone till tonight, and although I never told Drew I was gay, he somehow
knew.  He knew what I was thinking and what I was saying even though I
never told him.  We had a bond that although very strong, it could not
surpass my fear of coming out to anyone.

	I could have stopped him at anytime, but I could not seem to form
the words to do so.  And now that he's gone, I wish I could've done
something to stop him.  I realize that my father was taken from me, and for
the longest time I believed I could've done something to prevent it form
happening.  Tonight Drew showed me that I was powerless in that battle.
However I know that if I wanted to I could have prevented Drew from
leaving.

	Even If I would of though, what kind of relationship could we have?
Constantly, I live my life in and out of the public's eye.  Dodging
cameras, and reporters where ever I go.  Trying to hide the person I love,
from the outside world is no way to have a relationship.  What about the
guys and the band?  I can't do anything to destroy what they all have
worked so hard for.  I only hope Drew knows how much I care for him.  I saw
how much he cared about me in his eyes, I hope he saw I it in mine.
Tomorrow while on the plane, I'm going to tell the guys that after this
album, I'm leaving the group for good.  I know that will not bring Drew and
I together, that can't happen till I'm ready to admit to myself who I
really am.  I am Kevin Richardson.  I am gay.  Until I can tell say those
words to everyone I know that I must be alone.

	However I feel that by leaving the band, which has provided me with
security over the last seven years, I'm taking the first step to my
freedom.  I can't expect Drew to wait for me; I only hope that I will be
able to find the person who's meant for me. If that person should be Drew
then I know we will meet again.  I've decided that I'm going tot finish my
song without Brian's help.  It's going to be my personal anthem.  I hope
one day to be able to share it with Drew.  Maybe he could write the music
for me?  Here are the complete lyrics to my song:


Silent Tears


 I sit awake night and day
 Trying to find some way
 To remind all of you about
 My hopes, my dreams, and my fears
 But all I do is cry these Silent Tears

           (Chorus)

 Tears are often shed but
 Sometimes they are never heard
 We often cry ourselves to sleep
 Hoping we'll find some relief
 From our pain, which causes our Silent Tears

 Now I've found someone
 Who can make me happy
 However like my father this
 Friend was swept away from me
 When I needed him the most

 Alone now I sit here in my room
 Thinking about my soul,
 Thinking about my crying heart
 Trying to comfort my pain
 And my heart's silent tears

 Chorus

 For no one can see or hear
 Them, except for the two men
 Who have been taken away
 From me  I'm alone in this world
 Destined to cry my Silent Tears

 Chorus

 Some day I will learn to
 Ease the pain inside my soul
 On my own However until
 Then I must live my life
 And I must cry my Silent Tears.

 Chorus twice


Tomorrow before we leave I would like to call Drew and thank him or helping
me tonight and say goodbye.  I'm going to try to find where he lives I
would like to buy him a piano for his house.  I'll consider it a repayment
for the favor he did for me.  This way I know one day that his talent will
not go on unnoticed.


Kevin Richardson.
February 24, 2000.


(Okay everyone that's part four.  Please don't be to critical about the
song, I know its not the best, but I never claimed to be a musician.  Any
other comments are welcome.  You may email me at author@backstreetboys.com.
I hope everyone enjoys this part of the story.  I finally decided where I
want to go with my story, so just to let you know I'm planning on writing
about three more chapters.)