Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 06:24:48 -0800 (PST)
From: ajsaysyourefired <ajsaysyourefired@yahoo.com>
Subject: the sixth backstreet boy 14

hey yawl. once again, not real, just made up, not implying anything. those
of you who did email me about a new chapter did good-you made me get it out
faster. Thanky. Yawl can still em me here put '6BSB' in the subject line or
it will be subject to deletion okie

~*~

Brian opened the door. "Hiya." he said, holding the door open.

"So, give me the grand tour." I said.

"Okay. First where you'll be sleeping. I always say when you're in a new
place, first find a place to sleep, a place to eat and a place to hide."

"So where will I eat and hide?"

He shrugged. "Wherever I am."

"Ah."

"Here's the guest room." he said, pointing to a blue room. Spacious. He'd
hung his gold records and awards on the wall.

"Like to show off, eh?" I said, putting my stuff down. I went to look at
the stuff on a wall and the stuff on a stand.

"Yeah, partly that and partly cause I didn't have anywhere else to put 'em
where they looked good."

"Okay. So what do you want to do now?"

He shrugged. "Just talk. You said you wanted to tell me about something
they said to you last night?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Let's go downstairs."

"Okay." he led the way, showing me the other rooms on the way. "Want
something to eat or drink?"  he asked.

"Uh, sure."

"What?"

"What do you have?"

"Snacks and soda."

"Whatever then."

He got me settled in the living room while he went to get us some snacks
and drinks. I was looking around when he came back with bowls of cheesy
popcorn, chips, M&M's and Cheetos. He handed me a glass of Pepsi and sat
down in a *huge* armchair (it looked like it could easily seat two
people-but then again you have to take into consideration Brian's
size. He's 5'7" and very skinny, he's just a small person {sizewise}). It
looked like it could easily seat two cuddling people.  Hmm...I wonder if me
and Brian could easily sit in it if we were cuddling...

"...Justin, hello. Justin Randall Timberlake..." Brian called, waving a
hand in front of my face.

"Wha?" I shook my head.

"What's up?" he said. "You were looking at me funny."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I was just wondering if that chair there could hold your
entire band."

He smiled. "Yeah, it is a great cuddle chair. That's what I call chairs
this big. Cuddle Chairs."

"Oh. Yeah, me too. Okay, so let me tell you about what happened last
night...no wait, wait until you hear what Lance said to me this morning,
right before I came here." I started, getting a handful of cheesy
popcorn. "I was already ready already. I was almost out the door, when he
comes up to me and is like you can't go, you can't visit Brian anymore, he
puts bad ideas in your head-which I'll explain to you in a minute-and blab
yakity smelling elephants. Then I'm like, well he's my friend and yak. The
he goes, you're not going. He says, put your stuff back and stay in the
house, we'll be checking on you."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Lance is such a cheesedick."

I cracked up. "That he is, Bri, that he is."

Rrrrring!

Brian got up and got the phone. "Hello, Brian Littrell's residence. This is
Brian....what?...Yeah, he is. Got a problem with that?...Well, YOU TOLD him
a lot of stuff. You told him he's a fag and worthless when in reality it's
you who is....Look yourself. Justin is a big boy and he doesn't need you to
call and check up on him...obviously he doesn't give a rat's ass, if he's
here. Look Lance, you need to let the guy have a life. He's not a 5 year
old, he's not immature. He's a full grown man who can take care of himself
and make his own decisions...oh really? Well thank you ever so much for
your concern. I guess that makes up for you hitting him...yeah, I know. I'm
not as stupid as you look. You'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to be
able to tell. And I'm an observant person anyway. And he told me...the hell
he didn't! he told me everything. And as far as I'm concerned you can go do
something to yourself god only intended for you to do to women...uh, did
you happen forget that I'M GAY TOO?...So what if we *are* sleeping
together? It's none of your damn business. None at all. So keep out. And if
you call here again, I'm calling the cops on you, cheesedick." Brian hung
up the phone, good and hard.

I stared at Brian, while he sat down on the chair with his pop.

"I..." I said. "I can't believe you did that."

He looked up, mildly interested. "Did what?"

My face was crumbling. "*Why* did you do that Brian, why did you tell him I
told you? Now they're going to get me worse!"

He remained undaunted. "Well. If they're not totally daft, they
won't. cause if they hit you again, *I'm* calling the cops. This has gotten
way out of hand. It's gotten to where I can see you're going to let it go
and let them hit you for the rest of your life. They're going to hit you
and you'll be miserable. I can't see you anymore, and we'll both be
miserable. Actually, I'd be miserable anyway, cause I can't stand any of my
friend's hurting. This has got to stop. I'm going to take charge of this
situation now, cause you're not. And you tell them that, okay. You tell
them if they *ever* hit you again, they'll be arrested, whether it's you
who calls the authorities, or me."

I sighed. "Brian-"

"At at at." he said. "No more now. If you want, we can talk about it
later. Let's drop if for now, okay? Now, tell me what they said after they
beat you and thought you were unconscious."

I sighed again. "Okay. Well, it was after I was talking to you, and they
were yelling at me for no reason. I could tell they were bored. Lance
started yelling about me trying to seduce you and molest you-"

"He said that on the phone, too. He was like, well, I just wanted to look
out for you and make sure he wasn't trying to get your pants off and get in
them. And I'm thinking, gee thanks." he said dryly. "Uh...DUH, I'm gay
too. I mean, hell-lo. And it's none of his business. He had the balls to
ask if you was trying to get me to sleep with you, and if we were having
sex. Little bastard."

I was quiet a moment. "After they said that, I'm like no, but then Lance
hit me and goes don't lie. So I stood up and shoved him really hard and
said don't hit me. Then they all ran at me. JC tried to hold my arms back
and usually (actually always before) I just go along with it, but last
night I fought it. Joey had to help JC and they held me back and Lance and
Chris hit me. I stopped fighting it cause they were really hitting me. They
Joey and JC hit me, they threw me on the ground and were talking."

"About you?"

"Yeah. Lance was like when did he start acting so snappy and whatever. JC
was like 1 1/2 weeks ago, when he met Brian. Then they were talking about
me, how I was getting close to you, and you must be the one putting ideas
in my head. Which is half true, cause I don't think I ever seriously
considered turning them in until you came along. Which, okay, maybe I
should, but I just cant. It sounds really gay and sappy, but I love them
and don't want to do that to them. Maybe they do deserve it, but I just
cant. But anyway, then JC tells them about when I threatened him and said I
could turn them in-"

"You mean he hadn't before?" Brian said, shocked.

I shook my head. "Apparently not."

"Why? I would've thought he would've right after you said it."

"No, he didn't. anyway, right after I said it I started to cry. And JC was
saying that when he saw me cry he felt bad. Cause I've never cried that
he'd seen before. I've hardly ever cried at all.  He was saying how he
'felt terrible' and realized I wasn't doing anything wrong. Then lance was
like if he stop hitting him he'll *really* act like a fag. And JC said,
real quiet like, you don't know that. Then some other stuff, and Chris
threw water on me to wake me up, and we had to catch out place. No one said
anything on the way there. They looked like they were thinking." I
finished.

He was quiet a moment. "what about this morning? Anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Lance the cheesedick again. I was all ready to go and-oh
wait I already told you that. Well, they didn't hit me but there was
that. So I packed up and came here and Lance called..."

He sighed. "Well, enough downers for today. Want to play a video game or
something?"

"Sure." I nodded. We played playstation until dinnertime, and Brian ordered
pizza.

"This time I can pay for half of it." I said, pulling some money from my
wallet.

"Naw, you're my guest. It's on me." he said.

"Brian, you did this last time." I protested. "Who gives a damn if I'm a
guest. Tell me how much it'll be so I can pay for it."

"It's $13.81 plus tip. I'm paying for the food. You can tip the delivery
person. And that's it."

I gave him five dollars.

"There. Now see, we can all walk away happy." he said.

The pizza came and he paid my tip. I was getting out paper plates and cups
and pouring pop. We ate in the living room watching Scary Movie.

"How can anyone govern a nation with 246 kinds of cheese?" Brian remarked,
looking at his cheesy pizza.

"It's all in the wrist." I said, chomping on some breadsticks. He laughed.

"Yo, wash that junk off your face." Brian said about the foundation
crap. "You look like a blasted pansy. Let those marks heal up."

"I am a blasted pansy." I protested, going.

"No, you're a fruitcake."

"I am not." I yelled, getting a washcloth and some soap.

"Then what are you?"

I paused. "A yo-yo!" I yelled back, triumphant. I came back into the living
room. His eyes widened at the extent of the bruises and marks this time. He
sighed and shook his head.

"Let me see your back." he said. I lifted up my shirt and he saw the belt
marks. "Hey, want a back and neck massage?" he offered. "I can do it really
good."

"Okay."

"Sit here." he spread his legs (he was sitting in the cuddle chair) he
motioned to the spot between them (which was quite big-THE SPACE I
MEAN.{you people are sick!}) so I did. He started moving his hands on my
neck, and I relaxed immediately. I closed my eyes and let him move my
muscles. "Take off your shirt." he said. "I need to see what I'm doing."

I obeyed, and he started rubbing my bruises and welts. I sighed, completely
relaxed. He kept doing it, and I felt like I was going to fall asleep, I
was so relaxed and comfortable.

"Hey Curly don't fall asleep on me." he said.

I opened my eyes. "Sorry."

He stopped, and patted me on the shoulder, so I went and sat on his
couch. I sighed and lay down, putting my head on the armrest.

"Hey thanks." I said. "That was really great. I mean, it felt really good,
especially on my sore back."

"No problem." he smiled. "I do it all the time for Nick and them. I don't
mind doing it."

I yawned. "What time is it?"

"Ten-thirty."

"Can we go to sleep now?" I said. "I didn't sleep too good and it was real
late before I got to go to sleep."

"Sure." he said. "I'll just, like, read in my room." he shut off the tv and
went upstairs. I went to 'my' (the guest) room, and pulled my jeans off (I
sleep in boxers and a t-shirt) and crawled in between the sheets. I fell
asleep still feeling Brian's hands on my back and neck.

~

"Hey Curly wake up." Brian shook my shoulder. I made a sound indicating
whining/resistance that sounded like a groan. "don't make me get the hose!"
he said.

"I'm up, I'm up." I sat up and sighed. I stretched. "What time is it?"

"Almost eleven am. Damn boy, you sleep a lot!"

I crawled out of the bed and searched for my bag of clean clothes. "I do
not. Well, normally. I was just tired."

He nodded. "Well, let's go get some brunch."

I followed him downstairs and into the kitchen. I sat down on one of the
chairs he pointed to.  "What do you want" he asked, looking in the fridge.

"You can cook?"

"Sure, a little. Breakfast foods. So, what?"

"Um...whatever you want to make is good."

"Okay. How about pancakes, eggs, bacon and milk?"

"Sure."

"Mmmkay." he started pulling things out of the fridge. He got to
work. "So..." he said.

"Can I ask you a series of personal questions?" I asked. He gave me a funny
look. "I decided I should always ask before I stick my nose in your
business." I said.

He nodded. "Yeah, that's a good idea. I don't care, ask away. That's the
only way to get to know someone, to ask questions."

"Okay. Um...how many girls have you been with?"

"two or three, really."

"Are you a virgin?"

He gave me a funny look, then slowly shook his head. "No. there was that
one time when I came close...and then there was a girl."

"Oh. Ever had oral sex with a guy?"

"No."

"Not at all?"

"Nope."

"Seen a guy naked?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I saw him."

"Did you touch him?"

He nodded.

"Did he touch you?"

He nodded.

"Were you jacking each other off?"

"Not really. Just caressing and touching."

"Sounds romantic." I sighed.

Brian sighed wistfully. He half-smiled. "Oh, it was. It was late at night,
the only light was the fire in the fireplace and candles. We were naked
under and in a really soft blanket, and we were just cuddling in the cuddle
chair and kissing and caressing each other's bodies. We just cuddled and
held each other all night."

"Oh." I sighed. "I wish I had someone to cuddle me."

"Yeah, me too." he said. He picked up the frying pan and served me my food.

The phone rang. "Can you get that J?" Brian said.

I picked it up. "Yello?"

Pause. "Justin? Um...this is JC..."

I hung up, not really wanting to hear anything he'd been intending to say.

Brian looked at me funny. "Who was it?"

"JC."

"Oh. Well, good. If they call here again, hang up on them again." he said,
fixing his own plate.

"What if they come to the front door?"

"Shut it in their faces. If they don't leave, I'll demand they leave my
property. If they don't leave then, I'll be calling the cops." he sat down
next to me and began eating.

The phone rang again. I picked it up. "Yello?"

"Hi Justin, what's up?"

"Hey Nick. Want to talk to Brian?"

"Yeah."

"Here you go." I handed the phone to Brian.

"Hello?...Yeah, they got a week off the same time we do...he's spending the
week with me...uh, sure. I'm sure he won't have a problem with it. Justin,
you wont care if Nick comes over, do you?"  Brian asked me.

"Not really."

"Okay." Brian said into the phone. "When are you coming?...Yeah, we already
ate...okay." he hung up. "He'll be here in a few minutes."

"Okay." I nodded. I picked up my empty cup and got up.

"No, no, no." he jumped up and refilled my glass for me. He handed it back
to me. "You're the guest, I'm the host."

"Call yourself a host and you make me sound like a flea." I remarked. He
laughed. "And quit with the guest dealy. I'm sure you don't jump up and
refill Nick's glass."

"Nope. He does it himself."

"Well, you don't need to treat me like royalty."

He snorted. "You're a royal pain-in-the-ass!"

"Oh, I see. No respect for the monarch, huh." I pouted.

"I'll show you respect for the monarch!" he said, and dove for me, tickling
me in the stomach. And I am *very* ticklish. I fell onto the floor
giggling, and he stayed on top of me, tickling.

"Stop...stop!" I gasped, while still laughing.

He did, sitting back and laughing.

"I...can't...breathe..." I gasped.

"Justin Randall Timberlake, since when are you part dolphin!" he exclaimed.

Huh?

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

"I'll get it. It's probably Nick." he got up and went to the door. "Hi
Nick. Come on in bud."

"Hi Justin how's it going?" he said to me.

"Hey Nick. Sup?"

"You look all out of breath." he noted as he sat down.

"Well, Brian was tickling me!" I said indignantly.

"Oh really?" he grinned. "Are you ticklish?"

"Very." I nodded. He had an evil look in his eyes and I backed away. "No,
don't you dare!"

He did just what I thought he would, and tackled me and started tickling
me, just like Brian had.

"Aw, leave him alone." Brian said. Nick laughed and got off me.

"You...cheesedick..." I gasped.

He laughed. "Okay."

"Wanna play pool?" Brian suggested.

"Oh, so you got the table set up?" Nick asked.

Brian nodded. "Yup, AJ helped me."

"Cool, lets' play. You know how to play pool, Justin?" Nick asked.

"Of course I do. Do you know what a socket wrench is?"

"Duh. Every guy knows that."

"Well, every guy knows how to play pool."

"My brother doesn't."

"How old is he?"

"Um...fifteen I think."

"Well then!" I folded my arms. He stuck his tongue out at me. How mature.

We went down to the rec room and played pool until dinnertime. Brian
ordered Chinese and this time I convinced him to let me play and he
tipped. After awhile, Nick went home.

Brian sighed. "Hey Justin, what do you think of Nick?"

"Huh?" I looked up at him.

"What do you think of Nick?"

I shrugged. "He's okay. He deserves a lot of love, I can tell. He wants to
have someone to hold him and love him. He's very charming. He's pretty
sweet too. He's a pretty cool guy."

"If he asked you to go out with him, would you?" he asked.

I looked up, surprised. "Is he going to?"

"What if he did?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I...I just don't know."

"Why not?"

"Should I?" I looked at him.

He was quiet a moment. "I would if I was you."

I paused a minute, thinking. "Brian, there's something you're not telling
me about him. I can sense it. Please tell me."

Brian looked at me funny and sighed. "You want to know? You really want to
know the whole deal?"

"Yes." I said confidently.

He was quite for a full minute, then sighed. "Okay." he said
reluctantly. "I'll tell you. Get comfortable, this will take awhile." he
sighed again.

I relaxed back onto the couch. He was sitting in the cuddle chair. I looked
at him expectantly.

"I...I..."

"Just spit it out B-Rok."

"I used to go out with Nick."

Pause. "You what?"

He looked like he was about to cry. "I used to go out with him. We were
together for two years. He was the one I broke up with. I was the one he
almost had sex with. We were together when he was 19-21, and I was 24 to
almost 26. He was the one I so dearly loved and broke up with." He sighed
shakily.

I just looked at him. "You and Nick? You two were lovers?"

He nodded miserably.

"So he was the one you talk about when you talk about when you talk about
he only guy you've been with. He was the one you were naked with and
kissed? He meant you when he told the story about the time when he almost
made love to his old guy? It was you?"

He nodded miserably again. "I love him..." he said. "Always have, always
will. I love him more than anything. I love him dearly, with all my heart
and soul. He's my darling, my knight, my heart, love and soul. He's...my
darling." he said again.

I sat back, dumbfounded. "Well, why'd you break up with him then?"

He swallowed. "Because he loved me. He loved me so much, with all his heart
and soul, and I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love. He's such a
darling, sweet person, he loves me too much.  And that's why I had to break
up with him. Cause he's a prince, he's an ANGEL, and he deserves someone
much better than me."

"But Brian, he loves you. He wanted to stay with you, he told me. Haven't
you seen him? He loves you and he wants you back. He wants you more than
anything. He loves you more than anything. He doesn't WANT someone better
than you. If that existed. But he won't even hear of looking or another
guy. He loves you and wants you. Why did you destroy that?"

He had a few tears on his face. "Please Justin, don't judge me for
that. Once you think about it, it makes perfect sense. When you love
someone as much as I love Nick, you only want what's best for them, you
want what will make them happy and nothing else. If he had someone who was
able to love him to the full extent he deserved, he'd be a lot happier. I
loved him as much as I could, but it was never enough. I could never give
him enough. I gave him all my heart and all my love but it was never
enough. He needs more, he deserves more. He deserves everything." He
started to cry. "I love him with all my heart and soul, on everything I
love him, and he loved me too much. I couldn't give him enough, and he gave
me so much. He loved me too much, and I didn't deserve him.  So I broke up
with him. It was for the best, Justin. Sometimes I lie awake at night,
thinking about him, dreaming for him, longing for him. Your song 'I Drive
Myself Crazy' would explain me perfectly sometimes. I tell myself it was
for the best constantly, but I never believe me. I love him so much and
wish I could be in his arms, his arms around me, holding me, loving me,
protecting me, so much, but I don't deserve him so it can't be anymore."

I saw he was crying, so I go up and sat beside him and put my arms around
him. He leaned over on me, crying, and I pulled him onto my lap and hugged
and held him. He put his arms around my neck and cried onto my chest. I
just held him so closely and tightly. He held onto my tightly as well and
sobbed.

After awhile his sobs tampered off, but he still held onto me and put his
head on me.

We stayed like that for about 15 minutes. Then was when I realized we were
cuddling. And I liked it. He was so small in my arms (He's only 5'7" and
very skinny) and I just loved holding him. he was so small and needed
comfort, and I loved giving it to him. I just felt so warm and happy and
content with him there.

After awhile, he sighed and sat up and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry." he
said. "I didn't mean to out burst like that. I'm so sorry..."

"No, it's okay." I said. "I understand."

"Thanks for hugging me." He said in a low voice. "I needed it. I really
appreciated it."

"Oh, you're welcome." I said.

He sighed. "Would-would it be too weird if I asked you to hold me again
until we fall asleep? I-I feel really safe, loved and protected in your
arms."

"Oh, sure." I nodded, and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him onto my
lap. He sighed sadly but in relief and laid on me, his head on my
collarbone and his arms holding me tightly. "and besides," I said, "I like
it when you hold me too, cause I've been so desolated cause of my
bandmates. So it makes us both feel better."

"Then we're both comforted." he said, holding me tighter.

I hugged him. "Yeah. So...what did Nick think or say when you told him you
were breaking up with him?"

"He just looked at me like he was dead. We were here. He was sitting in
this chair, and I came in the room. I sat on my knees in front of him and
he half-smiled and said 'Whatcha doin BB?' (he called me BB for Brian
B-Rok) like he thought I was going to take his pants off or something,
which I did often. I reached up and took his hands into mine and put them
on my face and kissed them. I didn't say anything, and I know he could
sense something was wrong. I could feel his pulse in his wrist quicken,
like his heart was beating faster. He told me how much he loved me, which
is immeasurable beyond words. Then he asked me if anything was wrong. I
held his hands and told him I loved him more than my own life, more than my
happiness forever. He looked confused and said 'I know honey it's okay.' in
this soothing voice he has, the one that can make everything seem okay,
whatever you was thinking was wrong wasn't. but I knew it was. I...I didn't
know how to tell him.  I just came out and said 'it's over'. And he goes
'what's over?' and I looked into his eyes and said, 'us. We're over. I'm
breaking up with you. I don't want to, but for reasons that will be clear
to you someday, I have to. I love you with all my heart and soul, but it's
not right, Nicky.  I cant be enough for you, I can't I don't deserve
you. That's the way I feel. I'm forever sorry, but we can't be together
anymore. I will always love you though' I said, and I kissed his hands
again. He just looked at me and said, 'you're leaving me? Why?' and I said
'because I don't feel I can give you what you need. I cant give you
*enough*, enough love. I love you as much as I can, with all my heart and
soul and life, but you deserve more. I'm sorry, but you can't change my
mind'."

"Then what?" I said after a moment.

"He just looked at me. He said, 'are you serious baby?' in a whisper, and I
nodded. He took my face in his hand and looked into my eyes. He saw I
wasn't lying or pulling something. He just stared at me like that, and his
hands started shaking. He kept saying 'why?' over and over and I said 'I
can't give you enough' and he said 'you give me all you love, that's
plenty' and I shook my head. He sat back and just looked at me, and he was
shaking. He just stared at em, shaking his head and saying 'this cant be,
you can be leaving me I love you too much' and I said 'exactly.  That's why
I am. You love me too much. I'm not that great, and you treat me like an
angel when in reality it's you who's the angel. I'm not good enough and you
deserve more. That's why.'

"He started to cry silently, and I said 'please don't cry sweetheart, don't
make this hard,'" Brian went on. "and he said 'I love you and I don't want
to lose you. I love you more than life-please don't leave me BB. You're the
only one fore me, there *is* no one else. And if there is, I don't want
him, I want you.' And I sighed. He started to cry really hard, and I got up
and put my arms around him. He cried his heart out, and so did I, but it
was unmoved. We held each other for so long, and cried so hard
forever. Finally he sat up, and said:

'Brian my darling, I LOVE you. I can't think of why you think you're not
good enough for me-because I know you are. You're the only one for me. You
always be the only one. You were the only one, the first I ever truly
loved, and you'll be the last and only. I can see I can't change your mind,
so I'll let it be if that's what you truly want in your heart. I should go
now, we need some time to cool down in peace, so I'll go on home. I'll
leave you with these words, however.  This is not the end. We'll be
together again. Destiny is what controls love, and I know it's our destiny
to be together. I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what happens. Remember
that forever, my love. You are love, you are my love. Goodbye Brian. I'll
call you.'

Then he kissed me gently on the cheek and left. True to his word he called
me later, and wanted to confirm that I was dead serious and hadn't changed
my mind." Brian continued so sadly. "I started to cry again at the sound of
his voice, and he was crying again when I told him we still couldn't
be. After awhile we hung up and I called Kevin and told him what I've
done. He called Howie and AJ to go be with Nick, and he came over with his
wife Kristin and their little boy Michael, to be with me. They put Michael
in my room with some toys and cartoons so they could be with me. They both
held me and I cried. I told them everything, and they tried to comfort
me. Kevin was telling me that love is the greatest force in the world, and
that I was only doing it cause I loved him and I f that was what was right,
it would be. Fate would show us the way. Kristin was telling me that I was
doing what my heart told me, and in time it would heal, and Nick and I
would always be close close friends. They stayed with me until I fell
asleep and in the morning took Michael home.  They went to see Nick and
Howie and AJ came to see me."

"What'd they say?"

"Well, when Howie and AJ came in the door, I asked them how Nick was. Howie
was like 'he's heartbroken, like you'. And they stayed with me and held me
all day. It was like that for a whole week, and then Nick and I slowly
began to heal. Even though it's been a year, we're still healing even
now. It's going to take forever for me to get over him. It really is. We
cried over each other for eight months, but not like at first. Every once
in awhile I'll want to be in his arms, to feel his touch, his closeness,
his kisses, and I'll cry cause I miss and love him so much.  Sometimes one
of us will catch Nick crying too. The other three guys never say anything,
though.  They'll just give us hugs and tissues and help us calm
down. That...that was the hardest time of my life. From June 2001 until
forever. We were together almost exactly two years. May of 1999 until June
2001 we were together. And I'll never ever get over him."

I hugged him. "That is so sad, Bri. I'm so sorry I pried and made you
remember it all."

He shrugged. "It's not your fault. I remember it all every time I see
him. Sometime's we'll hold each other. No talking. Just holding. With heavy
hearts, and we're so sad.  We've even kissed a couple of times since we
broke up. It feels *so* good to kiss him, but we don't often cause it's
memories of us together. And those hurt so bad." he hugged me tightly.

"I'm real sorry." I said. "I've never been through something like that. I
don't think I've EVER been through *anything* like that. I guess I'm
lucky."

"You're going through something just as bad. You're being physically *and*
emotionally tortured, when I'm just emotionally."

I hugged him. "I wish someone loved me as much as you two love each other."

"you'll find someone soon. You've got a good heart, you'll find someone
great."

I yawned. "Are you sleepy too?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I always get sleepy when I cry. What time is it?"

"Eleven thirty."

"What time did Nick leave?"

"About ten thirty."

"Oh." He yawned. "Want to go upstairs, or we could sleep here."

"Here is good." I sighed contentedly. I pulled him closer to me and held
him all night. He cuddled up to me and relaxed, safe and strong in my arms.

 ~*~

new chapter coming soon ok