Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 10:14:07 -0800
From: w j <wmj29@hotmail.com>
Subject: Starting Over-Chapter 5

Disclaimer:  I don't know, or imply that I do, the members of NSync.  Nor do
I imply anything about their true sexual preferences, I only hope!  Um, if
you are not of legal age in your jurisdiction, than you should leave.  The
same applies to those of you that are offended by M/M relationships, plus
you need to seek therapy, I think you have some insecurity problems.
Anyway, I don't think there are any other restrictions, other than the fact
that you have to read the story if none of the above apply to you.

Author's note:  Hey everybody.  First of all, I'd like to thank anyone who
wrote to me, even if it was just to say: "I liked/did not like your story."
I've met some really great people through this, and would like to thank them
foremost.  Um, this chapter has some pretty big things said and done in it.
I'd like to know what you guys think, so e-mail me at wmj29@hotmail.com
Thanks.  I hope you guys enjoy the story.  Take care.

Jordan
Last time:
"Seb, can I talk to you for a sec?"  Justin asked, putting his cereal back
down on the counter.

I got up and walked to him.  We went into Lance's bedroom, and shut the
door.

"What's up?" I asked, seeing his expression.

"I'm gonna tell them now. Can you stand with me?" he asked, a pleading look
in his eyes.

"Of course." I said, giving him a kiss.  "You ready?" I asked, putting my
hand on the door knob.

"Yes," he said, with a determination in his voice.

I opened the door, to be greeted by four pairs of prying eyes.  They
questioned silently, searching our expressions for a hint of what had
happened.  Justin looked up at them and clenched his fists.

"Guys, I've got something to tell you," he said, looking around for
acknowledgement and to make sure he had everyone's attention.  "Well, you
know how I haven't really been myself for the past while, how I've been kind
of distant?   I want to apologise to everyone for the way I've acted.  It
was really immature and I'm sorry.  I just didn't know how else to handle
it.  I've decided to tell you guys now, because first of all you guys
deserve to know.  Second of all, because I found something that changes the
whole situation.  Guys, I'm gay, and Seb is my boyfriend."


Chapter 5
Starting Over
by: Jordan

A great silence overtook the room.  Justin's eyes darted around the room, as
he awaited some sort of interpretable response.  His breathing started to
come a little faster than it had been coming, and he took a step backwards.
I wrapped my arms around him as he backed up, and held him tightly.  He
calmed down almost instantly, his breathing returning to normal, and his
eyes starting to focus on things.

"Did you guys hear me?"  Justin asked, in a timid voice, wondering if he had
actually said it out loud, or whether he had just been thinking it.

"Yeah, we heard Justin, were you expecting something to happen?"  Joey said,
looking Justin in the eye, and then shifting his gaze slightly, to my face,
resting on his shoulder.

"Well I had expected some anger, maybe some frustration, some sort of
resistance.  Is there none?" he asked amazed by how calm they all were.

"Why would there be?  Justin, you're our little brother.  Nothing's gonna
change that,"  Joey said, speaking his assumption for everyone.

"Speak for yourself Joe, this changes a lot of things, for me anyway.  I
don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly do have a problem with it.
  How the Hell did this happen?  It's your fault, isn't it Sebastian?"
Chris accused me, rising from his seat and starting to make his way over to
Justin and I. "You perverted him, didn't you?  You and your fucking sneaky
ways.  All of you are alike, trying to force others to your perverted game.
  You probably forced yourself on Justin last night while he was sleeping.
I hoped you enjoyed yourself, `cause it's the last piece of ass that you're
going to get form this group.  Get the fuck out of here, you fucking faggot"

An appalled gasp went up in the room, and I immediately backed away from
Justin and headed towards the door.

"Sebastian..." I heard Justin calling me, but it couldn't stop me.  I hadn't
come out when I lived at home for this very reason.  I was afraid that
people would react that way.  I had successfully evaded that for my entire
life, and now it was all happening.  Ten times worse than I could ever have
expected.  Just as I had found someone I wanted to be with, someone had come
and destroyed what we had.  It's funny how someone's words can affect you so
profoundly.  I would have much preferred a punch in the stomach, at least
then I'd know how to handle the situation.

I ran.  I ran to the stair well, not wanting to wait for the elevator, as
someone might make it to me before the elevator came.  Tears were flowing
freely, and my chest was convulsing.  I heard shouting and shuffling back in
the room as someone opened the door and came out.

"Sebastian!" again I heard Justin shout for me, and I was about to stop when
I heard Chris yell from inside the room:
"Leave the fucker alone before he perverts you even more.  All he wants is
your money and your ass.  He doesn't even like you Justin."

With that I opened the door to the stair well, and started heading down.  I
stopped suddenly, realising there was a different way I really wanted to go.
  I turned around, and headed up.  I passed the door to the seventeenth
floor...the eighteenth floor...the nineteenth floor...the penthouse and then
finally I reached my destination: the roof.  I opened the door and stepped
out onto the roof.  Vents were scattered about it, and it was speckled with
satellite dishes.  I ducked under the nearest one, and headed towards the
western side of the building.  I would at least be facing the place in which
I had been born when I died.

I made my way to the edge, and sat on the ledge, looking out over the city
in it's relative peace of mid morning.  I looked over to see the CN tower
standing majestically in the distance, with the SkyDome lying complacently
beside it, the home of my favourite baseball team.  I remember watching the
1992 and 1993 World Series at home.  Joe Carter, hitting that historic home
run, jumping from base to base.  I think there was popcorn scattered around
our living room for a week.  My mother had been so mad at us!  I can
remember her threatening to make us eat every piece of popcorn off the
floor, but then when she saw how happy we were, she melted, and smiled her
wonderful smile that came out too rarely.

I looked out to the north, and saw the theatre where I had once seen the
play Jane Eyre.  I remembered my mom crying her eyes out.  It had, in fact
been and extremely sad play, but so well done.  It made such an emotional
impact on you.  It left you drained when you afterwards, having gone through
every emotion that the character had experienced.  The main character, Jane
eyre, had gone through some of the same things I had, loosing a lover,
getting her heart ripped out, death...

I looked down, onto the cold dirty street.  Did I really want to do this?
Was it worth it?  I wasn't sure.  I was so sure I had lost Justin though.
Chris had made all of my worst fears come true. I had moved to Toronto to
get away from the close minded attitude of a small coastal village, and had
been greeted by two different rejections, each just as bad as the other.  It
didn't occur to me what I had gained.  A best friend, a life of being myself
instead something I was not, and a boyfriend.

Pictures flashed before my eyes.  My mother, in perpetual state of stress.
My Step father, always trying to please my mother, but usually failing.  My
biological father, always happy and caring, usually witha glass of wine in
his hand.  My step mother, always so understanding and full of life.  My
little brother, dead at the age of nine.  What a waste, such a perfect
child, always happy and so smart.  It hurt me to think of him.

I cried, soaking the front of my pants with my tears.  The tears cascaded
down my face, in a never ending torrent of helplessness and hopelessness.  I
cried for lost hope, I cried for lost love, I cried for Matt, I cried for
myself, for Justin and for anyone who had been torn from the person they
loved because of hatred.  The world was an unfair place, one in which I was
unsure I wanted to live.

I looked down once more, and smiled.   I wouldn't be able to do it.  Not
from this part of the roof anyway.  The outdoor pool sat three floors
beneath me.  I could badly injure myself, but what use was that?  I chuckled
softly, and looked up to the building across from me.  A man stood at the
window, looking at me questioningly with his hypocritical nature.  No doubt
he had thought about doing the same thing as I when the stock markets
crashed or when his wife of twenty years left him for a younger man.  I'm
sure he thought me an idiot, trying to commit suicide by jumping into a
pool.

"Sebastian!  Don't do it!"  I heard Justin's frantic voice calling to me.

I turned my body half way around, and smiled, a sad, and lonely smile.  I
turned back around, lifting my face to the sun and the gentle breeze.  I
smiled again, this time because I realised that perhaps I hadn't lost
Justin.  Maybe, just maybe, he was prepared to go against hate and ignorance
and be with me.

"Don't do it, Seb.  Please don't do it," I heard Justin's quavering voice,
only two or three meters behind me.

I turned once more, and said:
"Come here Justin,"

He came up behind me.

"Don't do it.  Please,"  he repeated.

"Justin, look down,"  I said.

He looked down and smiled. He placed his arms around me, and rested his chin
on the top of my head.

"Thank God!" he whispered.

"Sit with me, Justin,"  I said, motioning to a place beside me.  He sat
down, crossing his legs beneath him and looking around.  He smiled slightly,
happy that I wouldn't be committing suicide that day.

"I thought about it," I said, looking across to the building and the man at
the window. "I honestly had the intention of doing it when I came up here.
I guess it's fitting though, water saving me.  I came to this side of the
building because that way's west.  I was born in the west,  water has always
been a part of my life. I had intended to at least die facing the place of
my birth,"  I could hear Justin crying, but kept on going. "My worst fear
came true today.  It's funny how someone's words can make your world come
tumbling down.  I sat here, contemplating whether or not to jump.  I thought
of my mother, always so solemn and seemingly lonely.  I thought of my
friends, the people I had grown up with. Still I was going to jump.  This
was of course before I realised the pool was right there," I chuckled out.
I heard a mirthless laugh escape Justin's lips, but continued. "I was
honestly going to jump, but then I thought of you.  I thought of how I felt
when I was with you, and it just didn't seem worth it anymore.  Sure, it
would erase the pain that I feel today, but what of the rest of my life?
What life would I have?  None, I'd be dead.  I'd be dead, and I wouldn't
have you there with me. Why would I do that when I could live, and be with
you.  It's funny, `cause I've only known you since yesterday, but you've
affected my heart more than my mother or any other single person in my life.
  I don't know how you've done it, nor do I really care.  I can't bare the
thought of not being with you.  Justin,"  I started, finally turning to him,
tears again cascading down my face. "Justin, I want to come with you when
you leave."

Justin's face illuminated immediately, his childlike features emanating joy.
  He didn't respond verbally, but instead leaned in and pressed his lips to
mine.  Our lips moulded to each other's instantly.  Our soft embrace
continued, tongues dancing and hearts pounding, for what seemed an eternity,
but was in fact but a few minutes.  Justin pulled away, and leaned his head
on my shoulder.

"I'm so glad you didn't jump.  I don't know what I would have done,"  he
whispered.  "Are you sure you want to come with me?  Don't you have things
you have to do here?  Friends and everything?"

"The only things here are Kate and university. I can do university anytime,
and I can write to Kate and talk to her on the phone.  I think the question
is are you ready for me to come with you?"  I said, unsure of the true
answer.

"Seb, I'm not sure.  This is a big step. I mean, I really like you and
everything, and I want to spend all of my time with you, but we met
yesterday.  We don't even know each other.  There's this bond between us,
but I don't know if either of us is truly ready."  Justin sighed as he spoke
his words.  His words were true, and made sense, but I didn't want him to
leave.  "We've got a week and a half vacation coming up after we go to
Montreal and Québec City.  We're supposed to go home and get some rest
before we head back to the States to do some more touring.  What if I came
here for that week and a half and we see what happens.  If we both still
want to be in this relationship, then you come on tour with me.  If one of
us doesn't want to, then we call it quits. What do you think?"  he looked up
at me, searching for an answer.

I smiled at him and said:
"Okay, but only if you promise to come back,"

"Don't worry, I will."  Justin said, as he placed his head down on my
shoulder.

We sat like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the peace and tranquillity
after the storm had passed, or at least that's what we thought.  I was
enjoying just being around Justin.  I didn't need to talk to him, I
understood him as we were.  Unfortunately, time does not stand still
forever.  Justin looked down at his watch and sighed.

"We should go inside.  We need to clear this up with everyone before we go
to rehearsal.  Are you coming to rehearsal?"  Justin asked, as he lifted his
head and turned around.  He stood on the roof, and then helped me up.

"Maybe, if I don't cause too many more outbursts,"  I said, not being much
of a confrontationalist.  "How did you find me, by the way?"  I asked,
wondering how he had known to come up to the roof.

"That was a lot of work.  There hadn't been time for the elevator to come
up, so I figured you took the stairs.  I ran all of the way down to the
lobby.  I asked the receptionist if she had seen anyone that looked like you
leaving.  She must have thought I was loosing my mind.  Since there is only
one exit that you could have taken in the lobby, I figured you were still in
the building.  So I took the elevator back up to our floor and searched the
floor.  When you weren't there, I didn't know where to go.  I sat down in
the hall and started bawling.  JC came out and sat beside me.  He told me to
go to the roof,"  Justin said, smiling solemnly. "I asked him why, stupid
question, but I never thought you would do that over me."

He looked at me, right in the eyes.  His blue eyes enraptured me, and I was
lost.  As we reached the door to go back into the building, we stopped.  We
stood there, looking one another in the eyes.  Slowly, as if in a movie, our
heads drew closer and closer, until our breaths mingled, and our two scents
became one.  Our lips touched, so softly and so gently.  His warm lips
pressed to mine, my lips pressed to his.  Slowly, our mouths moved, and
performed their intimate dance, two dance partners, made to be together,
never separated.  His tongue made it's way to the front of his mouth and
licked at my lips, begging for permission to enter.  My lips parted,
readily.  As our tongues touched and intertwined, warmth spread through my
body, making me blush and relax.  Such a feeling of bliss was this that I
forgot the awful events that had occurred earlier.

I pulled back, regretfully.  We had to go face the music, whether it be a
fairy tale love song, or another angry protest.

"Are you ready?" I asked, still holding Justin.

"I guess so.  We don't have much choice, do we?"  Justin said, resting his
head on my shoulder.

I ran my fingers through his hair, comforting him, and myself.

"No, we don't," I said, regretfully.

"All right then, let's get this over with," Justin said, pulling back to
walk in the doorway.

I followed him, not ever wanting to be left without him.  We made our way
back down to the floor that had been rented out to the group.  Apprehension
surrounded us as we walked hand in hand down the dim hallway.  I could still
hear shouting coming from the room, only this time it wasn't Chris's voice.
I didn't know NSync well enough to say who it was for certain, but I guessed
that it was JC's.  He sounded extremely angry with someone, that someone
most likely being Chris.

I turned to Justin just outside of the door.

"Are you willing to go through with this even if Chris turns his back on you
as a friend?"  I asked, trying to make sure that our efforts wouldn't be in
vain if Chris decided to continue his torrent.

"Yes, Chris and I have never been the best of friends anyway.  I mean we
were close friends, but not like me and JC, or me and Joey, or even me and
Lance.  He was just always different.  We never really opened up to each
other.  Maybe it's because he's older.  I dunno, but I'm prepared to loose
him, if it means I gain you,"  he answered, more than I had expected, and I
smiled a contented smile.  I would not be loosing him today.

I placed my hand on the handle, and slowly turned it.  The heavy door ceded
to my demand, and opened slowly.  As we walked in, a silence overcame the
room. Chris was sitting on the couch, arms folded, with a scowl on his face.
  JC stood over Chris, I had been right in my assumption of who had been
yelling.  Lance sat in another chair, his head in his hands, obviously
exasperated by the whole situation.  Joey sat, looking straight at us.  A
look of relief washed over him when he saw us walk back in.

"Why the hell did you come back?  What the fuck do you want?"  Chris hissed
out.

JC almost jumped on Chris, but Joey stopped him.  After a moment, I
responded.

"Chris, you don't know me, and I don't know you.  So I'm willing to look
past the things you've said, if you're willing to live with the fact that
Justin and I are a couple,"  I said my piece, controlling my anger.  I was
trying to create a peace in the group, somehow I felt I was partially
responsible for the rift created in their normally brotherly group.

"The day I accept you two as a couple, kill me, `cause I'd rather be dead
than live in a world where it's okay for two faggots to walk the street,
hand in hand,"  Chris's vehemency overwhelmed me.  I was about to leave
again, but I looked over to Justin.  His face was set, cold and stern.  A
determination was in his eyes that I had never seen before, in anyone.

"Why is this such a big thing for you to accept?  What the hell is your
problem?" Justin finally spoke up, surprising everyone.  I had so far known
him to be a shy and quiet person when faced with a dilemma.  This was a new
side of him, one of the many I would learn of.

"What the hell is MY  problem?  My problem is the fact that this guy walks
in here and all of a sudden you're gay.  Do you even know what being gay is
all about?"  Chris spat back.

"First of all, I didn't turn gay because he walked into my life.  I've been
gay for a long time.  It's not something you choose.  Do you think this is
really something I want to go through, loosing my friends and family?  Do
you think I enjoy getting yelled at by one of my closest friends?  The
reason I've been going out to bars and getting drunk, not sleeping and
performing like shit these past few months is because I've finally realised
that I am gay and I've had a hard time dealing with trying to tell you guys.
  I was afraid something like this would happen.  Then I met Sebastian.
Everything just made so much more sense.  He knows what I'm going through,
he's been through the same thing.  It's part of who I am.  You had no
problem with me before, so I see no rational reason for you to have a
problem with me now.  I'm still the same person I was.  Nothing's changed,"
with that Justin turned and walked out of the room, leaving us all in awe.

I slowly came to my senses and followed him.  I found him curled up outside
the door, crying softly into his arms.  He looked like a small child, curled
up in the fetal position.  I sat down beside him, and put my arm around his
shoulders.  He leaned over to me, and put his head on my shoulder.  His
gentle tears fell onto my shoulder, wetting my shirt.  I hugged him close to
me, as he shivered and sobbed quietly.  Even in times like these I was happy
to be around Justin.

We could still hear voices coming from inside the room.

"Chris, why are you making such a big deal out of this?  Are you really as
homophobic as you sound?"  Lance spoke in his smooth, country accent.

"I honestly don't know.  I've seen fags before, but it just never really hit
home before today.  I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to protect Justin
from what's going to happen to him in the only way I know how,"  Chris's
confession came as a surprise to everyone.

"Can't you see that all that you're doing is hurting him, making it harder
for him to be himself?  He has about as much control over liking guys as you
do over breathing.  He does have a choice, he could not be gay.  You have a
choice to.  You could stop breathing, but then where would you be?  That's
the same way it is for Justin.  He could not be gay, but he'd be dead
inside.  Can't you see the way he looks at Sebastian?  He's only known him
for a very short time, but you can see in his eyes the way he feels for him.
  I'd be afraid he'd be hurt by Sebastian, but I can see the same thing in
his eyes.  I knew the minute they walked in here that they were together,"
JC said, trying to make Chris see reason.  "The only problem that I have
with the relationship is that I'll be loosing Justin.  Slowly at first, but
he'll be wanting to spend more and more time with Seb, which is cool and
all, but I still don't wanna loose Justin."  A sadness I had never before
heard in anyone's voice was resounding through the whole floor, and I felt
guilty.  I didn't want to be the one to break up a friendship like the one
that Justin and JC had.

Justin looked at me and smiled.

"It's not your fault Seb, that's the way it happens in all relationships,"
he said, as he stood to go back in the room.  He helped me up, and we walked
into the room together, once again.

"Thank you Josh," was all that Justin said.

"For what?"  JC asked, confused.

"For being so understanding," Justin  walked over to JC and gave him a hug.

"Justin, look, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean what I said, it just came out,"
Chris said, trying to backpedal.

"Chris, those words had to have come from somewhere inside of you, whether
you acknowledge them or not.  What you said came from your beliefs, and
nowhere else,"  I was amazed by Justin's maturity.  I don't think I would
have been able to handle the situation the way he had, I would have left a
long time ago.

"Justin, I'm sorry, I truly am.  Please forgive me," Chris begged, trying to
make amends.

"I can't Chris, not after what you almost made Seb do.  Do you know where I
found him?  I found him sitting on the ledge of the roof, almost ready to
jump.  Can you even fathom the damage you could have done?  The damage you
have done?  I might be able to forgive you someday, but not now," Justin
said, letting everyone know what had happened.

Everyone sat, appalled.  Chris's face was white and ghostly, as the
realisation of the effects of his words hit him.  JC just looked at me,
knowingly, but still a little shocked.  Joey just looked out the window down
to the street, contemplating how far it was to the ground.  Lance looked
around, sad and dismayed.

"Guys, I hate to be the one to bring us back into touring, but we do have
rehearsals that start in twenty minutes. We should go,"  Lance said, ever
the responsible  member.

"Are you coming?"  Joey asked, directing his question at me.

"I'm not sure. I have something I need to do.  I might come for the last
part.  What time are you guys done?"  I asked, wanting to get my thoughts
and some other stuff together before the concert.

"Um, the rehearsal ends at around six, if Fatima doesn't decide to keep us
longer,"  Lance said, always knowing the schedule.

"Okay, well I'll probably meet you guys afterwards.  Okay?"  I said, hoping
for some sort of sign that it was okay to come afterwards.

Justin looked at me oddly and then said:
"I thought you said you were going to come to rehearsals."

"I did, but there's something I want to do first, sort of a surprise,"  I
said, smiling at Justin who looked both disappointed and excited at the same
time.  "JC, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Um, okay,"  JC walked behind me as I lead him into the bedroom.

"I know Justin's favourite colour is blue..." I started.

"It's light blue, not just any blue,"  JC interrupted me.

"Okay, thanks.  Um, what are Justin's favourite foods?"  I asked.

"Favourite foods?  Um let's see.  He likes cheese pizzas, um, basically any
kind of pasta and seafood.  I think that's it, what are you planning?"  JC
asked, after he had answered all of my questions.

"Well.....(what I was planning).....  Does he like chocolate?" I asked.

"Yep, loves it,"  JC said, a big grin on his face after hearing what I had
planned.

"Okay, thanks,"  I said, opening the door and making my way back out into
the living room.

"What are you two so happy about?"  Justin asked, curious as to why we both
had Cheshire grins on our faces.

"You'll see tonight,"  I said, making my way over to Justin.

Justin put on one of his pouty looks, but smiled as I got to him.  I pulled
him close to me and kissed he tip of his nose.  I smiled as I pressed my
forehead to his and looked him in the eyes.

"I'll see you later,"  I whispered to him.  "Have fun at rehearsal,"  I said
to everyone.

A loud moan went up all over the room and I laughed as I exited the room.

	*		*		*		*		*

Well?  Whadya think?  Good?  Bad?  I really liked it, but I'm sure not
everyone did.  Think Justin'll forgive Chris any time soon?  Who knows.
lol, I don't even know!  What's the big surprise?  I guess I'll just have to
leave you guys hangin'.  It's not really a cliff hanger like some of my
other chapters, but there's a little suspense for ya.  Anyway, anybody that
has questions, suggestions, comments or anything else, please feel free to
e-mail me at wmj29@ hotmail.com  Thanks, I hope you enjoyed it.  Take care.

Jordan