Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 22:42:50 -0600
From: Michael Ellis <michaelwashere@netzero.net>
Subject: The Studio in the Country, Part 8

THE STUDIO IN THE COUNTRY, Part 8

For this installment, my usual announcements have been simplified.

STORY? NOT REAL!
CHARACTERS? NOT REAL!
COMMENTS ON REAL PEOPLE? NOT REAL!
SANTA CLAUS? NOT REAL!
     (I apologize to any readers who didn't know Santa Claus wasn't real. I
know he's not because the Easter Bunny told me during last week's poker
game.)

OFFENDED BY HOMOSEXUALITY? GO AWAY!
UNDER 18? GO AWAY!
ILLEGAL TO READ IN YOUR AREA? GO AWAY!
READ ONLY PIG LATIN? OGAY WAYWAY!

COMMENTS? EMAIL michaelwashere@netzero.net
PICTURES? VISIT michaelwashere.homepage.com

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


THE STUDIO
Part 8 - Thursday Morning

I woke up about 6:30 the next morning, when the sunlight hit my
windows. Normally, I like that. I leap out of bed and get busy right
away. There have been a lot of times when I had my entire day's work done
by 10am and could spend the rest of the day reading, writing or playing my
keyboards.

But Brian had kept me up until almost 3am, so today I turned over and
started to go back to sleep. I never made it.

Thinking about how late I'd stayed up made me think about Brian and all
we'd said to each other last night. We'd talked about a lot of things, but
I knew there was more. There were probably a lot of things Brian had
thought about during the past year that he hadn't mentioned. And there were
definitely things that were going to come up that Brian hadn't
anticipated. Being gay is different for everyone. Some commonalties bind us
together: the anxiousness, the nervousness, the fear, the excitement,
agonizing over whom to tell and when. But there are enough differences to
make the experience unique for everyone.

I was glad that I could help Brian. And he had Howie too. But I knew that
no matter how many good, understanding friends a guy had, there were still
a lot of feelings and situations that you had to face alone. I hoped that
Brian's family would be as understanding and supportive as mine had been. I
thought they probably would: it must have taken quite a family to produce a
guy as nice and level-headed as Brian was, especially considering how crazy
his life must be.



Then I began to get nostalgic. I spent a couple of minutes thinking about
what I'd gone through in high school. Suspecting it, realizing it, then
finally accepting it. I'd told Mike and Ethan first, then my parents, then
Robby.

I smiled when I remembered Robby's reaction. I wasn't really that nervous,
I remembered. Ethan and Mike had been supportive, and so had my
parents. And Robby was easily the most open and accepting one of all. We
were watching movies one night when Ethan and I were home for the
weekend. Robby and I had gone into the kitchen to make microwave popcorn
and get everyone some drinks.

I kept trying to talk to Robby, but he was distracted by the popcorn:
getting a big enough bowl, making sure it didn't burn, all kinds of little
things. He could hear what I said, but he wasn't really
listening. Eventually the popcorn stopped popping. He pulled it out -- I
can still see him standing there, one hand on the microwave door and
burning the other on the popcorn bag. He dumped the popcorn in a bowl and
started sampling it, all the time absently saying "Uh, huh" to whatever I
said, so I'd think he was really listening.

Finally, I'd had enough. He was reaching for the salt shaker when I grabbed
his chin in my hands and held his face up so he was looking straight into
my eyes. "Robby," I said firmly, "I'm gay."

"I know," he said. "Can I have the salt?"

"You know! How do you know?"

He shrugged, like it was no big deal. Not much is a big deal to Robby. "I
don't know. I figured it out a long time ago."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Another shrug. "I thought you'd tell me when you were ready to tell me." He
grinned at me. "Finally figured it out, huh? Good for you, big brother. Now
gimme the salt before this gets cold."



I was still remembering this when I also remembered my promise to Brian the
night before. "Shit," I said, jumping out of bed. In my living room, I
grabbed the phone and called the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

"Mike," I said, "have you talked to any of the guys this morning?"

"No, the only person I've seen is Mom," Mike said, sounding a little
sleepy. "Is anything wrong?"

"Brian and Kevin told me last night -- well, early this morning, really --
that they're gonna have some kind of meeting this morning." I was
deliberately vague. It was Brian's decision to tell Mike anything. "They're
gonna call when they're ready for breakfast, and I'm gonna take it up to
their rooms."

There was a pause. "You're gonna take it up?" Mike asked.

"Yeah."

"And you don't know when they're gonna call?"

"No, not really," I told him.

"So you don't know when you need to be ready to carry the food up?"

"No, I don't," I said. What's up with all the questions, I thought.

"Then we really need to be ready with the food pretty much any time?"

"Yeah." Another question.

"Then get down here now so you can be ready," Mike said. "And as long as
you're here, you can help me get breakfast." He had me. I should have
recognized Mom's technique at work but I was still sleepy.

"I'll be down in a few," I laughed and hung up.



A quick shower later, I stepped out into the hall, dressed in my usual
casual, day-at-the-office clothes. I found Mike in the kitchen, stirring
eggs in a large glass bowl. He had bowls of various ingredients setting in
a tray of ice on the island. Behind him there were four omelet pans on the
stove and small mound of sticky eggshells on the countertop. Mike was a
good cook most of the time, but he made the biggest mess of any of us.

I stepped up and took the glass bowl and whisk from him. "Thanks," he said,
glad to let me finish the eggs.

"Just doing this so you can clean up the eggshells before they dry and
stick to the counter," I said with a thin smile.

He turned and looked at the sticky pile for a second. "Maybe they're not
eggshells," he said as he turned back around. "Maybe it's sculpture."

I just smiled at him. "I don't know art, but I know what Mom hates."
Seconds later, the shells were in the bucket for the compost pile and Mike
was wiping up the counter with a sponge.



Breakfast was uneventful. One by one, people wandered in to get
coffee. Dave disappeared into the studio pretty quickly, but the others
came into the kitchen to see what they could get in an omelet. Mike would
mix up the ingredients and cook up the omelets pretty expertly. Dave, Robby
and Ed didn't stay long; they took their coffee to the dining room and I
took their omelets to them when they were ready. Ms. Shaw, however, sat in
a stool at the island and talked to us while her omelet was cooking.

"I'm gonna miss this place," she said. "This has been the quietest, most
relaxing week of work I've ever had."

I smiled at her. "You don't miss the excitement of the city?"

"Orlando?" she asked. "No, I don't miss Orlando. I've been there four
years, but it still doesn't feel like home. I grew up on a farm, and I love
the peace and quiet."

"Then why do you live in Orlando?" Mike asked her.

"Because that's where my job is, and I love my job; stress, headaches and
all." She sipped at her coffee then asked, "Where are the Boys this
morning?"

I hesitated, wondering how to answer this without betraying Brian or
worrying Ms. Shaw. I was still pondering when Mike said, "They're having
some kind of meeting this morning, and Ben's gonna take breakfast up to
them."

"Meeting!" she said. "What kind of meeting?" The relaxed woman we'd been
talking to was gone; the pushy exec from the airport was back. Where's Ed
when we need him? I thought.

"I don't know," I said. "Kevin and Brian just said they were all gonna
sleep in and then chill in their rooms this morning."

She calmed down a bit. "Well, they're probably just being lazy while they
can."

I decided we needed to change the subject a bit anyway. "You think this
place is relaxing," I said, "but what about the guys? There's not much to
do here at night. Have they been bored this week?"

She thought about this. "I don't think so. They get lots of excitement, and
they seem to have enjoyed just relaxing a bit. I know Howie has enjoyed
this place. And Kevin."

"But," Mike started, "Nick and AJ have had all the quiet they can
handle. I'm afraid they're going a little stir crazy."

"City boys," she said with a smile. "No appreciation for country life."

Mike was putting her finished omelet on a plate. I looked at it and tried
not to make a disgusted face: I'll never understand how people can eat
mushrooms.  "Well," Mike was saying, "if they're done for the week, maybe
the guys won't have to stay out here much longer."

"Possibly." Ms Shaw was on her feet. Plate in one hand and coffee cup in
the other, she headed toward the door. "Dave wants the morning to assess
everything. We should know more about our schedule by lunchtime."

I got a weird feeling, like a light punch in the stomach when she said
that. At lunch we'd find out if the guys were staying 'til Monday or
leaving tomorrow. Since they first mentioned it yesterday, it had become
very important to me that they stay. I liked these guys, and suddenly the
idea of our big place without them there seemed awfully lonely. Mike and
Robby had both talked about how lonely the place could be. Even Ethan
mentioned it sometimes when he was here. But it had never seemed lonely to
me. Until now.



Mike had been talking, but I only noticed it when he was already in
mid-sentence. "...guys would just call, I could start cleaning and be done
with this."

We decided to start the cleaning anyway. We had rinsed what plates and cups
and tableware we could and put them into the dishwasher in minutes. Mike
was putting the ingredient bowls into the fridge, and I was dumping out the
pan of ice when the kitchen phone rang.

Mike picked it up. He said, "Kitchen," then paused a second before saying,
"Hey, AJ. What do you guys want in your omelets?" He named the possible
ingredients, then started making a list on Mom's yellow pad. After he
finished writing he said, "Sure thing" and handed the phone to me.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver.

"Hey, Ben," AJ said, a little quieter than normal. "I hear you and Brian
had a long talk last night." He sounded cheerful, but I wasn't sure what it
was safe to say.

"Has Brian been talking to you guys already?"

"Yeah," AJ said. "He and Kevin woke us up about 7:30, and we've been
talking ever since. Are you gonna bring the breakfast up?"

I glanced at Mike but kept talking. "Yeah, I'm gonna bring it up." Mike
glanced at me when he heard that then went back to work.

"Good," AJ said. "Brian says he told you everything, so we don't have to
worry about explaining what you'll see when you get up here." His voice
dropped to more of a whisper when he added, "It's been pretty emotional up
here."

"I can imagine," I said quietly. "Anything I can do?"

"No, we're okay up here," AJ replied. "It just might look a little odd. See
you when you get up here."



Mike and I loaded up the kitchen cart, and I pushed it to the
elevator. Once on the second floor, I headed for Kevin and AJ's room and
knocked on the door. After a second or two, AJ opened it and smiled at me.

"Hey, food's here," he said into the room. "And it brought Ben." I pushed
the cart into the room and stopped it near the dining table.

The guys were sitting in the living area of the room. Brian was sitting in
the middle of the couch. Nick was on one side of him, leaning back with his
hand flat against Brian's back. Howie was on Brian's other side, leaning in
to him with his arm over Brian's shoulders. All three of them were
red-eyed. So was Kevin, who was sitting in the chair facing the couch. He
gave me a small smile when I turned from the food to look at them. AJ was
still standing by the door with his hand on the knob, a subtle enough way
to tell me I wasn't staying long.

"Here's your breakfast," I said quietly. "Five omelets plus some
sausage,fruit and cereal that Mike added. Just leave the dishes on the
table and we'll take care of them later."

I got five quiet "thank you"s from the guys. No one said anything more, so
I added, "Well, I'll leave you guys alone."

I was almost out the door when Brian said softly, "I told them." I stopped
and looked at him. He was looking up at me, his blue eyes looking so tired
and cried-out that I felt sorry for him. "I told them that I'm gay."

I just looked back at him. I wanted to run over and grab him, to hug him
and hold him and comfort him. I surprised myself with how strong the
impulse was. But I just looked back at him and asked, "You're sure then?"

"I'm sure," was his simple reply. "I was sure last night. I just wasn't
ready to admit it."

After a pause, I said, "It's a hard thing to admit. Is everything okay?"

Brian shot a look at his cousin before saying, "Everything's okay." Too
much crying and talking had left his voice sounding tired and ragged, but I
could also hear some of the insecurity I'd heard in him yesterday. But then
his beautiful grin returned as he looked at Nick and Howie. "The guys have
been really great."

Howie looked at Brian. Brian looked at Nick. Nick looked at Brian, then at
Howie who seemed to nod very slightly. Then Nick sighed heavily and said,
"We've been through this a couple of times before." His voice was quiet as
he glanced at me. Howie and Brian were looking at me too, both with the
tiniest of smiles. Kevin was glowering at Nick.

I glanced over at AJ. AJ looked at me, and then a big smile broke on his
face. "You're trying to guess who, aren't you?" he said with a big
grin. "Don't look at me."

"It's me," Howie said. His eyes were even bigger than I'd ever seen them, a
minor accomplishment in itself.

"And me," Nick whispered, still looking into my eyes. "I'm not gay; I'm
bi. But I don't do much of anything to tell the truth," he added with a
little laugh.

It was my turn to smile. "I appreciate you guys trusting me," I said, my
voice quiet and -- I hope -- sincere. "And you *can* trust me. No one will
hear about this from me. Not even my brothers."

"Mike knows," Nick said. He glanced at Brian and Howie but avoided looking
at Kevin. "Mike knows about me," he explained.

"I still won't bring it up with him," I said. "Your life is yours to talk
about. I don't need to." I made myself look at Kevin; he looked back at
me. If I had to describe his expression, I'd call it "relief."



"Look," I went on, "you guys have a lot to talk about. I'll leave you
alone. I'll be in my office 'til lunch if you need anything."

AJ let me out, and I headed to the elevator. The doors opened immediately,
and I was stepping in when I heard their room open again. "Ben, wait up!"
Nick yelled, running down the hall toward me. I waited for him. Beside me,
the elevator doors slid closed.

"Ben," Nick said when he'd reached me, "thanks for listening to Brian last
night. He's needed to talk to someone for a long time."

"He hasn't talked to you guys about it?" I asked. This had confused me a
little. All week these guys had seemed as close as their PR said. I'd
wondered last night why Brian would talk to me instead of his friends, his
own cousin even.

"No," Nick answered. "I think he needed to talk to someone who's not
affected by this. Someone whose life -- or career -- is tied up with his."
He smiled at me, and for the first time Nick seemed to me to be more than
an overgrown cute kid. There was more to him than I'd seen before. "I'm
glad you were here," he added.

"No problem," I said. "I live here."

Nick grinned at me. "You say 'no problem' a lot, don't you?"

I grinned back and said, "Yeah."

"No problem," he said. "I just wanted to thank you," he added, turning into
the serious, grown-up Nick again. "You've been a good friend to Brian this
week, and I'm glad we met you."

"And Brian's lucky to have the four of you to accept him and support
him. He'll need you."

Nick's face darkened, and his voice became unsure. "Yeah, well..." he began
then trailed off. He didn't continue. I was dying to hear the rest of it,
but I was good and said the right thing.



"Nick, don't tell me anything you shouldn't"

"It's just that Kevin is not happy about this at all," he said quickly. "He
had problems with Howie, then with me. But he eventually got over it. But
Brian's family, and he's taking this really hard."

"He's not making this hard on Brian, is he?" I asked without thinking. Of
course, it was none of my business, but I was more concerned about Brian
than manners at the moment.

Nick didn't seem to mind the question. "Not really," he said a little
hesitantly. "But Brian definitely knows how Kevin feels. And I think it's
hurting him."

"You said Kevin had problems with you and Howie, but he eventually accepted
it," I said. "Maybe he'll do the same thing again."

"Maybe." Nick didn't sound at all convinced.



I smiled, wanting to say something light and hopefully reassuring. All I
came up with was, "It's very complicated, isn't it?" Nick smiled a
little. I added, "If coming out were easy, I wonder how many more of us
would do it."

"Us?" Nick asked, his eyebrows rising. "You're gay?"

I shook my head slightly. "You didn't know either?"

"No," he said. "I hoped," he grinned, "but I didn't know." He leaned over
and said a little conspiratorially, "If I'd known, I would have spent more
time with you from the beginning." Standing up straight again, he added,
"Oh, well, too late now."

"What does that mean?" I asked him.

"Well, I think Howie likes you," he smiled. "Maybe Brian does too. I don't
know."

I didn't know how to take this news. I was still trying to absorb it when
the door opened again. We heard AJ's voice say, "Nick, are you coming back
or what?"

Nick whirled and asked, a little worry in his voice, "Something wrong?"

AJ evidently heard the worry and laughed in response. "Nothing's wrong with
Brian," he said, "but your breakfast is in serious danger of being eaten."

Nick was smiling when he turned back to me. "This is certainly an
interesting place you guys run here. See you at lunch?"

"I'll be there," I said.



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A PLEA FOR INFORMATION: When I started this, all I knew about these guys
was what I'd read here. Since then I've been doing more reading and
listening to their music than I'd ever done before, but I'm still pretty
ignorant. There are two subjects I need to know more about: their 1999 tour
schedule and stories behind the making of Millennium. If anyone knows where
I can find such things -- especially on the Internet, please let me know.
Thanks.

Y'know, it's odd, but the more I learn about what Brian is like in real
life, the more attractive Howie is becoming to me. There, now if that's not
an invitation for hate mail, I don't know what is.

By the way, if you ever play poker with the Easter Bunny, his ears twitch
when he's bluffing.