Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 13:54:53 EDT From: MrClean290@aol.com Subject: The Thing With Nick 9 I have up to part 12 written, so if u want me to post more when i can, let me know k? and for those who sent feedback, thanks so so much, its appreciated more than you know! anyway, disclaimer: if you dont know by now, its not true, blah blah and all that jazz! enjoy yall thanks, Elisheva MrClean290@aol.com ~~~ The thing with Nick 9 The thing with Nick is, I melt into his touch. His hand on my back. I didn't want to be mad at him. When he touched me, so soft, so gentle, all worries fell away. He knew that. His touch sent me to places no one else's ever had. It calmed my fears and excited my body with thoughts of heat and sweat. His fingers grazed my spine and crawled up my shoulder blades. He pressed his palm into my hip, and rested his head in the crook of my neck. My tear soaked cheek met his. His hand came to my face to wipe away the sadness that he has caused. " Just answer me one question." " Anything." " Why?" I turned into his embrace but shook his arms off of me. " Honestly, I don't know." " Yes you do! God damn it Nick, you owe me the truth!" " I wasn't strong enough. I need to be strong for you too now, and I didn't have the strength. I didn't want to let you down. I didn't want you to feel less than who you are. I just didn't know what to do, to make you feel beautiful, that I didn't say anything at all." " I don't need you to tell me I'm pretty to know that I'm beautiful." " Howie-." " Please, just let me play you something okay?" " Howie, I hardly think this is the time for some cheesy love song." " Shut up Nick! I have earned this." Nick backed away and sat down on the couch. I looked for the CD I was looking for and popped it in the CD player. I watched Nick as he watched the stereo. I don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To make me feel beautiful I don't need you to give me your strength To make me feel I'm strong I've got all of the strength that I need Here inside my own two hands All that I want Is your love and respect for who I am What I really need Comes from deep inside of me Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To make me feel beautiful Don't need you to make me strong Cuz I'm strong on my own Doesn't come from outside This beauty I know Comes from inside my soul Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty I don't need you to believe in me To make me know I'm worth believing in I don't need you to lift me up high To know I can stand tall ( I can stand tall) I can stand my own ground I can stand proud upon my own two feet Don't have to be part of somebody else to be complete What I really need Comes from deep inside of me Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To make me feel beautiful Don't need you to make me strong Cuz I'm strong on my own Doesn't come from outside This beauty I know Comes from inside my soul Don't need to come to you for confirmation Because I finally found out this revelation What I really need (what I really need) I'm gonna find inside of me (find inside of me) Not in somebody else Respect Comes when you respect yourself Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To make me feel beautiful Don't need you to make me strong Cuz I'm strong on my own Doesn't come from outside This beauty I know Comes from inside my soul Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To make me feel beautiful Don't need you to lift me up I can stand up on my own Doesn't come from outside This beauty I know Comes from inside my soul Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty To know I'm beautiful (Don't Need You to Tell Me I'm Pretty, Samantha Mumba) " I know who I am Nick. I'm Howie. I'm gay. I sing. I believe in God. My soul soars when I get onstage when I see the tears my voice causes in the eyes of the fans. My heart beats faster when I see that it's your eyes I'm looking into. I'm strong. I've been hiding who I am to so many people for so long, that I began to forget who I was. But with you, I always knew. I always knew that one day I'd be able to touch you in the places where only your hands have been. I knew that one day my mouth would be on yours and that your lips would tremble along side your cock as my mouth descended upon your body. I knew all that, and I know all that. I know I'm worth something, and I know I'm proud to be who I am. I'm beautiful Nick. I'm me. And I love who I am. I only wanted you to love who I am too." " I do. Oh God I do. But it's not as easy for you as it is for me. I haven't always known, and I haven't always loved who I am, I still sometimes don't. The fans influence me too much sometimes. I know I'm not fat, but I see the jeers and I see the looks of wonder. But with you, you always held me close and you would rub my tummy when I was sad, and I would always come to you, feeling sad, even when I wasn't, just to feel your touch. I'm at home with you, even when I'm not at home with myself, by myself." " Nicky. Don't you see? I can't be your home if you don't feel safe within yourself. I made that mistake in the past. Clinging to something you felt safe with when you didn't know yourself. You have to know yourself before you can let others try to know you." " Wait, what? So, I didn't come out with you today, and we're through?" " No, Nick, we'll never be through. But right now, I can't be your home. The truth is, I'm strong without your arms around me. But without my arms, you're still a small child, and I can't be your mother anymore. I want to be your lover, your friend, your everything. But you have to know who you are first, and who you want to be, with me, and without me." " But, no, Howie, please, please don't do this." " I can't not. I'm sorry Nick, but until you find yourself, I can't be with you." I walked to door and opened it gently. " I know who I am. I'm Nick. I'm gay. I sing. I believe in God. I love you. I know that when it comes to long and meaningful confessionals, I'm better at writing songs than talking. I like to laugh. I like laughing with you. And I could list everything about you that makes me happy. But you don't want that. You want to know who I am. I love my hands. They show strength. My eyes, pools of sea blue madness, they shine when I look into the mirror. My smile. I'm damn proud of it if I may say so. When I'm able to look into the mirror everyday and smile at myself and say Nickolas Gene Carter, you're beautiful, I know who I am. And I know who I am with you. You, breath life into me. When I'm sad and can't seem to smile, even when I want to, you smile for me. You are my eyes, my light in the darkness. You are my soul mate. You complete me Howie Dwaine Dorough, and as cheesy and stupid as it is, it's true. You complete me." The door shut behind me. The soft click of the door seemed to slam in my ears. The thing with Nick is, he completes me too. ~~~~~~ feedback: MrClean290@aol.com thanks