Date: Tue, 5 Dec 2000 02:11:27 -0800 (PST)
From: Red <redfirewitch@yahoo.com>
Subject: Boyband: Toy Soldiers 1/1

Title: Toy Soldiers

Author: Red (redfirewitch@yahoo.com)

Disclaimer: This is purely fictive. I've never been
inside Chris' mind.  I don't know about the sexuality
of any member of Nsync.

Note: Those on the Nsyncslash list will have seen this
before.

~~
CHRIS'S POV.

And they all fall down. And they all fall down. And
they all...what is that? What the hell is that?! Why
can't I stop running that line through my head?
There's a nursery rhyme that goes like that. What is
it? Is it about a London bridge? No. I can't remember
but I can't stop singing that line. But it didn't get
stuck in my head for no reason. 

I watch the guys performing, automatically executing
the moves as Darryl counted the beat. It was scary to
see that none of them had the enthusiasm that had been
on their faces when we first started out. I see them
moving like well-oiled machine and that's why I think
of that line from a song. 

Oh yeah. It's a song not a nursery rhyme. But which
song? Does it matter? 

They are all going through the motions of the dance
moves but I could see that none of them were actually
* there *. It's sad to see this. Then again I'm one to
talk. I'm no better. How we have all changed through
the years. Five guys who got together with a common
dream, only to find it turning into a nightmare and
slowly destroying us in the end. 

Woah! I'm getting philosophical in old age! At least
that's what the guys would say. If we were still close
enough to be consider each other as 'the guys'. 

'The guys'. Nsync, pop phenomenon, Beatles of the 21st
century, and other labels like that have been assigned
to us. All to describe five guys who in truth were
only doing something they enjoyed. But somehow, along
the way, it became less about doing something we liked
and more about doing something others liked. I mean,
sure. Performers performed for others' entertainment
but you still have to like it too. We did in the
beginning. There were sacrifices but they were
outnumbered by the benefits. 

No time for sleep? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing
something that's worth the sacrifice!" 

No time for girlfriends? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing
something that's worth the sacrifice!" 

No time for family? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing
something that's worth the sacrifice!" 

No time to live a life? "Hey! That's ok!
We're...we're...we're doing..." 

Yep. Sooner or later, you stop deceiving yourself. 

Deception. Now that's a contender for the group's new
name is one of us quits. We're not only good at, if I
have to say so myself, singing, dancing and hamming it
up for the cameras. The past few months we've
discovered a new talent. Deception. We do it to each
other, to ourselves and of course the fans and the
media. Screw the fans and the media! 

(Gasp! He said it! Chris said screw the fans and
media! Nsync doesn't care about their fans! SOB! Sob!
Sniffle!) 

Spare me! We've been deceiving the fans and the media
from the word go. Nice boys. No dark past. No vices.
Nice boys. If only they knew about the groupies, the
drinking and the smoking. No, not drugs. We weren't
stupid. Just crazy and living it up. No, the real
deception was of each other and ourselves. 

The funny thing about fame is that millions of people
you have never even seen know all about you. They talk
about you, think about you, cry for you, LOVE you! Yet
you are lonely. You begin to understand that the 'you'
they rave about is actually not you! 

Wow! Deep! I wonder if I sprained my brain with that
thought. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So we are all
lonely but yet we manage to fool ourselves into
thinking," My life is so phat dude! I'm living the
dream!" 

Oh great! I seem to be channeling Justin and JC. 

You know what the really sad part is? We were living
the dream. Apart from the 'sacrifices' and the little
harmless 'vices' we had it all right. We had values.
We had each other. We were doing it right. I honestly
thought of us as nice, decent guys; people who had the
capacity to love and care for their fellow human
beings. 

Ha! What a load of crap! 

Suddenly it all changed. I don't know whom it began
with but it just suddenly...changed. The ironic part is
that the change started when one of us, the strongest
one, stopped deceiving himself. Lance. 

::Sigh:: I see him right now, struggling to keep up
with Darryl's timing but he's failing miserably. He
won't get it right now. He never does until it's the
fifth practice through. Lance never was great at the
slick moves we've become known for but he sure has the
head for business. It is so easy to discount him as a
softy, judging him by his appearance but he's actually
anything but. He knows when to stand up for his
rights. He gives in to us all the time because most of
the time the fight is just not worth the hassle but
when it *is* a big deal, he can argue his point so
well that contesting his ideas would just make you
seem like a yokel. I've been there. I know what I'm
talking about. Lance's the type who loses the battles
but wins the wars. That's why he was the first one to
come out. That war was important to him. 

I can still remember the shock when he told us. I'll
let you in on a secret. Deep down, I think that 'The
Shock' wasn't caused by the fact that we all thought
that Lance was straight. It was because we all never
thought he would have the guts to tell the truth. He
actually was brave enough to jeopardize his career...
our career. 

Ahhh! That's why the anger started. 

Justin (Mr. Popularity) was the first to start
yelling. 

JC (Mr. 'Music Is My Life) just sat there looking
dazed. 

Joey (Mr. 'Will Girls Think I'm Gay Too') was frowning
at Lance like maybe if he looked hard enough, maybe he
would find out that this wasn't Lance. Maybe this was
some Lance imposter. 

Me? I was...I was...you know I really don't know even now
what I was feeling then. It wasn't exactly a shock. I
wasn't angry. I just felt like a stranger in the
group. I didn't know any of them. JC and Joey seemed
to recover their bearings and came down hard on Lance.
I just sat there, wondering if these were the same
guys who I've been spending the most memorable years
of my life with. Their words were ugly bellying the
looks that actually made them teen heartthrobs. 

I then made the mistake of looking at Lance. 

The look on his face was...calm. But his eyes reflected
the hurt and pain. And his eyes were on me. I could
almost hear his silent plea. 

'Help me Chris. Say something. You can't hate me
too?'. 

I then did something which I would regret for the rest
of my life. 

I looked away.

I looked away even though I wanted to go to his
rescue. I don't know why. I really wanted to punch
Justin, JC and Joey, scream at them that it was their
FRIEND that they were destroying with their words but
I couldn't. I was not an idiot like the other three. I
was worse. I was a betrayer. Idiocy has the excuse of
being ignorant. Ignorance can be forgiven. Betrayal
was so much worse. I betrayed Lance. 

I saw that. 

Justin just glared at Lance because he stumbled over
one of the moves again. Lance had by now been used to
those glares from Justin. Asshole! 

[You're one to talk, Traitor!] 

Justin had taken this whole thing the worst among all
the rest. He absolutely refused to stand beside Lance
in photoshoots, talk to Lance or even look at Lance.
Well unless it was to glare at him. Lance just ignored
him as best as he could. Joey and JC weren't that bad
but they weren't any better. They spoke to Lance only
if it was with regards to Nsync business. They were
still careful around Lance though. As if, relaxing
around a gay person could make them gay. 

The only person who treats Lance normally is me. I
don't see him as any different from the wonderful
person he was before 'The Shock'. But even if I was
able to deceive myself into thinking that everything
is the same between Lance and me as it was before,
Lance wouldn't let me. He is rather cool to me. He
never forgot the betrayal. Actually neither can I. I
always play that pleading look in Lance's eyes, in my
mind. Right before I looked away. 

I looked away. 

Damn it! 

Why! 

Darryl calls for a break. Justin, JC and Joey head for
the table where the refreshments are. They call to me.
They completely ignore Lance. I want to walk up to
Lance and talk but I know the response I would get.
Those cool, one-word answers. Even when he says 'Yes',
I hear 'Traitor'. Even when he says 'No', I hear
'Traitor'. But it's the truth isn't it? I just let the
rest of the group railroad Lance just because I was...I
was...afraid. 

I'm finally admitting it to myself. I was afraid to
speak up for Lance because I was afraid to hear those
very hurtful from JC, Joey and Justin said to me. 

"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO US, LANCE [CHRIS]!"


"NSYNC CAN'T SURVIVE IF ONE [TWO] OF US IS A FAG,
LANCE [CHRIS]!" 

"JUST GO TO ONE OF THOSE CAMPS FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK
THEY ARE GAY, LANCE [CHRIS]!" 

I was afraid to hear those words said to me so I just
threw Lance to the wolves and saved myself. 

Traitor! 

I'm standing with the guys...correction...with JC, Joey
and Justin, drinking water. Lance is standing a few
feet away from us, checking his messages on the phone.
He seems to have taken the segregation in his stride.
He never complained. He just went along with the
rules. 

I'm suddenly getting a flashback of my high school
days. 

I remember a pudgy little kid sitting alone during
lunch at the table. No one wanted to sit with him
because he was weird and he was also the new kid. He
was poor and his shoes were not Reeboks. Everyone wore
Reeboks but not him. He wasn't even a smart geek so no
joining the geeks' table. He was definitely not going
to be invited to the jocks' table. He just didn't fit
in. Every once in a while he would see a sympathetic
look on a some kid's face as he or she passed the
lonely table but none of them wanted to risk their own
standing in the high school's social strata so they
just moved on to the table where their friends sat.
The boy knew that they wanted to be nice to him and
sit with him but they were all afraid. 

Just like I am now. 

Turnabout sucks. 

I wonder why Lance even stays in this fucked up group
of ours. Why does he put himself through this hell?
Actually I know the answer only too well because I
know Lance. He does it for all of us. Leaving the
group and/or coming out would have repercussion on the
group as a whole. Even if Lance wasn't the lead
singer, he added the vital element to Nsync that made
us know to the world as 'a united group of great
guys'. Hell, even his name was part of Nsync. If he
left, Nsync would not exist. It would be Sync or, more
likely, Nsyc. Sink or sick! Both would befit us four
if Lance left, damn it! He knows it; I know it and so
do the rest. Take Lance away and we all fall down. 

But why then do they continue to treat him like shit? 

Because we all deceive ourselves into thinking that
that would never happen. Lance won't betray the group.


Ha! Or so they hope. 

One day he is going to reach his breaking point and
then they'll know. Until then, Lance will be that boy
sitting at the Lonely Table. But one day that boy will
get up and say, I've had enough of this shit and
perhaps join another loner sitting at another Lonely
Table. I know it will happen because I did move myself
to another Lonely table and found a friend. The Lonely
Table was no more. Once Lance moves, Nsync would be no
more. And we'll all fall down. 

Hey! I remember it. The song the line is from! A song
from my past. From my high school days. I think her
name was Martika. And the song was Toy Soldiers. No
wonder I couldn't forget that line. It's us. All of
us. 

Darryl wants us to get back to practice. And we all
march on. 

The End.