Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 15:14:23 From: Jeff Langdon <jeff_langdon@hotmail.com> Subject: Westlife Romance - Chapter 39 This story is pure fiction and involves the members of Westlife. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of any of their members. This is purely a fictional story. Enjoy! I would really, really appreciate some feedback on the story...so please send any comments and/or suggestions to jeff_langdon@hotmail.com. I would love to hear from you!! Special Note: A special thanks to Mel for her suggestions on this revamped chapter. * * * * * * * * * Westlife Romance - Part 39 Nicky gasped as he saw Kian laying on the floor in front of him. He wondered if he was dreaming again, but soon realized that everything that was happening was very real. * * * * * * * * * Earlier in the night... A cool breeze gently enveloped Nicky as he sat out in the balcony gazing at the quiet lights by the poolside as he sorted out his thoughts. He felt torn apart by conflicting emotions. On one hand, he wanted to forget everything and pretend that nothing had ever happened. He wanted so much to be happy and carefree once again. He wanted so much to regain his ability to trust and love again. He longed to forgive, to free himself from the clutches of despairing coldness in which he has trapped himself. Yet there was also another part of him that cried out at the total injustice of the situation. After all, none of this mess was his fault and he was the victim, not the offender. The voice told him to stand tall and to defend himself. It reminded him of the cruelties of this world and that all who were around him were out to hurt him and that he had only himself to trust. It boiled within him, consuming him with a fury and a seemingly unquenchable thirst for revenge. He hated the feeling but there was such a strong force within himself that wanted to inflict the same hurt on others the pain that he himself had known. It was agonizing to him, but it was the only way he knew to protect himself from ever getting hurt again. To make matters worse, Nicky was confused by a sense of guilt that seemed to come from no direction. It simply welled up within him, knifing him mercilessly from within. Angrily he lashed out at it, chiding himself for feeling this way. "You've done no wrong!" he told himself. Yet deep down he knew that he was simply deceiving himself. The confused and hurt expressions of his band mates flashed incessantly through his mind. There was Mark's look of surprised bewilderment when he told him to back off. "I'm not a psycho," his logic argued, "and Mark had no right to make decisions on my behalf." And then there was Shane's look of raw fury at the snide remarks that he had aimed at Bryan. "Well, he punched me anyway," he defended himself as his hands touched the bruise that resulted from the fight. And there was Kian who didn't dare to even meet his eyes and could only look on in shocked horror at the monster he had created out of his former best friend and lover. Nicky's tears began to fall gently as his thoughts turned to Kian "Fuck! He was the one who raped me in the first place!" he thought angrily. "He cheated on me and betrayed my trust. He torments me even in my dreams. He deserves it. This is all his doing!" And then there was Bryan, whose look of desperate hope and raw hurt when his love and offers of peace and help were so ruthlessly spurned broke Nicky's heart. Nicky tried to come up with a reason to hate Bryan as well, but his logic failed him completely. "I told him to leave me alone...I told him he wasn't needed..." he finished lamely. He then tried to turn his thoughts away, but his mind kept filling with more images and he finally had to question himself where exactly he stood where each of his band mates were concerned. He realized that he couldn't blame Bryan, Mark, or Shane even if he tried. Each of them had tried to help, and they probably would have succeeded had he not driven them away in the first place. He remembered how Mark had assured him at the park that day that he could always turn to him if ever he need a friend to talk to. He remembered how Shane had fretted about his health when it had deteriorated. Most of all, he remembered how Bryan had always been there for him through it all, silently taking the full brunt of all the verbal abuse he had heaped on him. He remembered clearly Bryan's dogged and faithful attempts to offer his help despite the countless number of times he had driven him away. He remembered the recent nightmares and how he had often wished for Bryan to be there to comfort him and to shield him from the terror. More tears slid down Nicky's cheek as he reflected on the unjust way he had been venting his anger on him. "Oh God, I'm so sorry..." he whispered, his voice trembling as he cried in tortured remorse. "I'm so sorry..." he repeated as his shoulders shook from the wracking sobs. Nicky's sobs released all the pent up emotions, all the hurt, and fury that had so ruthlessly consumed him, and it was a good while before he finally managed to calm himself down. He then turned his thoughts to Kian. He recoiled from the notion at first, but realized that he had to do it if he wanted himself to sort this whole mess through. Clenching his teeth and forcing himself to forget all thoughts of running away, Nicky began to think long and hard about the situation. He was surprised to find that after the cry he had had, the fury that he had built up against Kian had subsided. The memory of the trauma remained and was still as vivid as ever, but he found himself observing the situation with almost nothing more than a curious detachment. While he wondered at the sudden lack of emotion, he was grateful that it enabled him to analyze the problem more rationally. He began to think about the circumstances that had led up to the incident. While he had been painfully sober and remembered every detail of the trauma, Kian had been dead drunk and probably wasn't even consciously aware of what he had done. He briefly remembered the jealous glares Kian had aimed at Bryan that day when he had deliberately focused his attention on Bryan instead of him. He also recalled his rejecting Kian's invitation to an outing so that they could sort out his differences. "Yes, Kian cheated on me," Nicky reasoned, "but I never even gave him a chance...I pushed him away, drove him away..." He continued to think. "Why did Kian become unfaithful in the first place?" As he thought more and more, his self-doubts returned. "I must have driven him away...I caused this whole thing...I'm not the victim here...I'm the one to blame..." And so, this began another vicious internal battle. "No, quit blaming yourself, Nicky," another voice said. "You were nothing but faithful to Kian and this was how he repaid you..." The battle raged on, and in the end, Nicky was still unclear as to where he stood. One thing was sure though, Nicky couldn't lay the entire blame on Kian...at least not before he had a chance to let Kian tell his side of the story. After a little while, Nicky headed back into the room and laid down on the bed, grateful to have finally sorted out his thoughts somewhat. He was about to drift off to sleep when he heard a muffled thump outside. There was a pause and then another thump sounded, as if a body was hitting the floor. "Probably some drunkard," thought Nicky, as he turned on his side and tried to shut out the noise. A series of thumps along the floor sounded and finally Nicky couldn't stand it anymore. "Well, someone has to help the poor lad," he thought wryly as he got up from his bed and opened the door. He took a few steps closer to the fallen body and was about to make a smart remark to himself about the state of drunks when he got a closer look at the victim. The words suddenly froze on his lips as he took in the gristly sight of his battered band mate. * * * * * * * * * Nicky knelt down and helped Kian to his feet. Before he could say anything, however, Kian had lost consciousness as his body slumped in Nicky's arms... ...to be continued.... * * * * * * * * * Hope you enjoyed this segment. Let me know what you think!! I'd love to hear any comments/ideas/questions. Please e-mail me at jeff_langdon@hotmail.com.