Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 21:18:28 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 14-17

The legal stuff:  This story is sexually-explicit, involving homosexuality.
Do not continue if this will offend you. If accessing this story causes you
to break local laws (village, town, city, county, province, state, or
country, etc.), please leave now.  By continuing, you implicitly declare and
affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company
of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually-explicit material.
The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with
regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other
celebrities named herein.  It is a work of fiction entirely.

Here, everyone!  Thanks for reading.  I've gotten some nice feedback.  Thank
you to everyone who has written.  I hope you enjoy the story and I hope it's
not too predictable.

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com

Thack


Scene 14


A full week had passed since Jeff and I settled things.  I didn't talk much
to the guys.  I was busy trying to get caught up on all the work I missed
while I was in the hospital.  The guys were also busy.  They were in the
studio working on the new album.  They worked mostly at night so I really
didn't have a chance to see any of them.

Nick and Jeff were both pretty good about checking up on me.  I think they
were concerned that I was going to lose it, but things were going pretty
well.  I hadn't told Jeff that I was interested in being set up on a date.
I was kind of hoping that he would let it drop.

I had been avoiding all contact with Drew, but Justin was another story.
He was going out of his way to make me feel comfortable around the guys.  I
suspected that Nick or Jeff had filled him in on at part of the story, but
I never found that out for certain.

Even though I protested, the guys somehow convinced me to take them to the
Mall of America.  It was their last weekend in town, so there weren't too
concerned with drawing attention to themselves.  It was funny because after
that first day I saw Nick in the gym, I had almost forgotten that they were
world-famous recording artists.

They all decided on Saturday afternoon to go to the Mall.  That really was
the absolute worst time to go, but they were being stubborn.  I couldn't
really blame them, though.  I couldn't imagine not being able to go where I
wanted because of what I did for a living.

At about three o'clock, I drove onto the porte cochere at the hotel to pick
up the guys.  Apparently Jeff had called shotgun in the elevator, so he
climbed in next to me.  The brothers and Justin crowded into the back seat
of my decrypted 1992 Cherokee.

The drive out to the Mall from Downtown Minneapolis only takes about twenty
minutes.  Drew and Nick were talking about something, annoying Justin who
was stuck in the middle between the two.  Jeff was content with looking out
the window as the city flew by.  Once I got onto the highway, I switched on
the CD player, forgetting which disc I had in.

"Bye, Bye, Bye" from *NSync came blasting out of the speakers.

"Shit!" I said as I reached for the off switch.

Jeff pushed my hand away and started singing along.  The entire backseat
erupted in laughter.  After a couple of lines, Jeff stopped and merely
turned the volume down.

"I'm offended," Nick said, still laughing.

"I'm so sorry," I said, really thinking I had hurt their feelings.

"Chill, my man," Justin said, looking at me in the rear-view mirror.  "It's
cool.  We know the guys."

"They really are talented," Jeff added.  "I like a lot of their tunes."

"Actually," Drew said, "our cousin Matt and JC are really good friends."

"How did that happen?" I asked.

"It's kind of a long story," Drew said, glancing at Nick.  "JC was in a car
accident awhile back and he ended up at the hospital where Matt works."

"You know," Jeff smiled, "You and Matt would be good together."

I heard Nick chuckle.  Then he reached out and playfully slapped Jeff on
the side of his head.

"What was that for?"

"You know exactly what that was for, big man."

I was dying of curiosity about Matt about I didn't have time to ask
anything because we had made it to the Mall.  I could tell it was going to
be packed judging on the traffic.  I rarely went to the Mall; it was just
too big to do any real shopping.  Driving into the parking ramp, turned at
the Hawaii sign.  Each level of the structure is named after a different
state.  I'm not sure if the pneumonic device helped anyone find their car,
but it certainly never feels like you're in Hawaii come winter.

Once I parked, we walked together into the Mall.  I was a little surprised
to hear that they had only been at the Mall once.  Even though they had
been there before, I could tell they were still a bit awe-struck once we
got the rotunda.  From that vantage point, you can look out over the four
levels of shops and restaurants and also see into the amusement park that
covers the center of the Mall.  It's my fear that Minnesota will be forever
known for this bastion of capitalism.

Everyone thought it best that we split up for awhile and then meet for
dinner.  I suggested the California Caf‚, mostly because it is the best
restaurant in the Mall.  Jeff and Nick paired up and I assumed I would be
heading off with them.

"You're with me today," Justin said as he gently pulled my arm.

I looked over at Jeff, hoping he would contradict Justin but he just nodded
and he and Nick headed off the opposite direction.

I looked over a Drew, who clearly wasn't excited to be spending time with
me.  I just sighed and started walking with Drew and Justin.

"You'll be fine," Justin said quietly, so only I could hear.  I hoped he
was right.


Scene 15


Justin, Drew, and I started wandering through the Mall.  Justin told me
they were in "disguise" mode.  Drew was wearing a t-shirt, light blue
sweater with jeans, and his trademark cap.  Justin was wearing a gray
button-down shirt, sunglasses, and a pair of leather pants.  Maybe that was
a disguise in LA or New York, but they stuck out like a sore thumb here in
Minnesota.  I noticed quite a few people who stopped and stared.
Fortunately, however, no one approached us.

We ended up at the men's department at Macys.  After looking around for a
couple of minutes, I asked, "Are you guys looking for anything in
particular?  I don't come here that often but I have a pretty good idea of
what's in the Mall."

"No," Justin responded.  "Although I'm always up for some cool new
threads."

"Hah!" I laughed.  "You're in Minnesota, not Milan.  If that's how you
dress when you are trying to disguise yourself, I'd hate to see you trying
to attract attention."

"What?" he said, somewhat defensively.  "Doesn't everyone have leather
pants?"

"I do," Drew volunteered.

I smiled and shook my head.  I had to admit the pants looked pretty cool.

"Guys, I'll be right back," Drew said as he ducked into the bathroom in the
Levi's department.

I took the opportunity to corner Justin.  "Okay, spill.  Why am I here with
him?"  I gestured towards the bathroom.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Justin.  You know what's going on between me and
him."

"Actually," he said, "I don't really.  All I know is that you guys had a
fight last week.  He wouldn't tell me why.  He said he wants to fix what he
screwed up.  So Jeff and I figured."

"I should have known Jeff was involved in this," I interrupted.

I contemplated telling Justin what Drew and I fought about.  I decided,
however, that if Drew didn't tell Justin, he probably wouldn't want me to
tell him either.  Escalating the fight would only make the day even more
uncomfortable.  Besides, I saw Drew coming out of the bathroom.

I quickly told Justin, "Please don't leave me alone with him."

Justin playfully socked me in the arm.  "I won't leave you hanging."

After we left Macys, we wandered around for a while, stopping at various
stores.  I was content just watching them.  We went into stores I'd never
been in before, mostly because they were places I couldn't afford to buy
anything.  I about passed out when Justin made me try on an $895 sport coat
at the Armani store.  I got the distinct impression that a nine hundred
dollar coat was not a big deal to either Justin or Drew.

Our last stop before heading to meet Jeff and Nick for dinner was at a
store called the Lava Lounge.  Both Justin and Drew were impressed at the
hip clothes in the store.  Honesty, I was a little surprised to find that
kind of place at the Mall.

"Hey, Justin." Drew called out.  "This place reminds me of that place on
Melrose."

I assumed he meant Melrose Avenue in LA but I wasn't about to show my
naivet‚ by asking.

"Yeah, it does," Justin called back from across the store.  "Whoa!  Come to
daddy."

I looked over and noticed Justin holding up a pair of black leather pants
much like his own.  He was motioning me over.

"You," he said as he was handing me the pants, "are going to go try these
on."

"Justin, that's not really my style."

"I don't care," he laughed.  "Go!"

I walked over to the sales girl and asked if I could try the pants on.

"Is that who I think it is?" she asked as she let me in the changing room.

"Yeah, it is," I said.  "Listen, do you have time to help me out with
something?"

She laughed as I explained my plan.  After I got in the dressing room, I
slid on the leather pants.  They were actually a lot more comfortable than
I thought they would be.  For a second I thought about buying them.  That
is, until I saw the price tag of $315.  "Oh well," I thought, "I guess I'll
never be hip."

Knowing I would have to model the pants for Justin, I walked out onto the
sales floor.  I saw Justin and Drew standing together.  I glanced over at
Laura, my newfound co- conspirator and gave her the signal.

"Looking pretty suave there senator?"

I burst out into laughter.  "Do you always talk that way?"

Before he could answer, Laura came running over.

"Oh my God!" she nearly screamed.  "I love you guys.  I can't believe you
are in my store.  I can't wait to tell all my friends."

Drew and Justin both smiled.  I think they were a little relieved someone
finally recognized them.

"I just love your new single!"  Laura was a much better actress than I
thought she'd be.

I glanced Justin and saw a confused look on his face.  We all knew that the
guys did not have a single out.

Laura took me off guard when she started singing the chorus of "Bye, Bye,
Bye".  She punctuated her vocals with a little bit of the dance moves from
the video.

"JC, Joey," she continued.  "Can I please have your autographs?"

Both Justin and Drew stood there stunned.  I don't think either of them
knew what to do.

"No, I think you have us confused with." Drew started.

I couldn't let this drag on too much longer so I decided to let them off
the hook.

"No," I said, addressing Laura.  "That's not Joey, that's Chris."  I
pointed at Justin and then proceeded to lose myself in laughter.

Laura started laughing, too.  I think Justin figured it out first.

"If Nick hadn't put you in the hospital already, I'd do it right now," he
said through his own laughter.

After we all had calmed down, Drew and Justin took some time to talk to
Laura, who was genuinely excited to meet half of 98 Degrees.  As I came out
of the dressing room, Justin was buying a very bright, very yellow metallic
shirt.

I glanced at my watch and decided we needed to get moving if we were going
to meet Nick and Jeff on time.

We had just left the store when Justin stopped dead in his tracks.  "Sorry,
guys.  I think I left my credit card back there."

"I'll go with you," I said as he turned to go.

"No, I'll be right back."

I turned and looked at Drew, who must have known that I didn't want to be
alone with him.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

"I don't think we have anything to talk about."

"Please," he pleaded.

I had been thinking about what I was going to say to Drew if I ever got the
chance.  In actuality, I thought we had plenty to talk about but I wasn't
sure I wanted to get into another fight with him.

"Please," he said again.

I took a deep breath and launched into the speech I had prepared.

"Look," I began.  "I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable being around me.  It's
obvious that you have a problem with the fact that I'm gay.  It's taken me
nearly all my life for me to feel good about who I am.  For the longest
time, I let guys like you push me around and it's not going to happen any
more.  I've been through enough shit in my life and I refuse to do it
anymore."

"But, wait," Drew interrupted.

"No!" I practically shouted.  Suddenly I realized that the Mall of America
wasn't the best location to be having that conversation, but I couldn't
stop myself.  I lowered my voice to avoid any additional attention from the
several people looking at us.  "You need to take a lesson from your brother
and from Jeff.  Justin also seems to be okay with who I am.  You know," I
said, "I almost didn't come out to your brother because I assumed he would
react the same way you did.  Thank God he's nothing like you."

I regretted what I had said immediately after it came out of my mouth.  I
hadn't been looking at him, instead focusing on shopping bag he had been
holding.  I finally got the nerve to look up at him.  He was staring right
at me and I saw the tears forming in his eyes.  The sight made me take a
sharp breath in.  I don't know if I'd ever hurt someone so badly with my
words before.

I almost apologized.  Suddenly, I remembered how it was to be in his
position.  So many people had hurt me so many times in the past with only
their words.  The derogatory phrases hurled at me and the foul names I'd
been called all flooded back to my memory.  I stood my ground.  I hated
making him feel that way, but I hoped that my anger would help him examine
the way he treated me.

He just stood there, staring at me.  He finally blinked and the tears
started flowing down his cheeks.

"You don't understand," he whispered.  "You don't understand me."

He stood, motionless, seemingly wanting me to say or do something.  I
couldn't do either.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Justin approaching.  Drew turned and
walked away.  By the time Justin caught up to us, Drew had dried his tears.
No one spoke as we walked to the restaurant to meet Nick and Jeff.


Scene 16


Justin had figured out that something had happened between Drew and I in
the few minutes he was gone but neither of us was about to explain.
Wisely, he just let it go.  We all walked in relative silence across the
Mall to meet Nick and Jeff.  By the time we got there, I was feeling at
least a little bit better.  The anger I was feeling had subsided and I
honestly hoped Drew was feeling better.

We arrived at the restaurant about ten minutes late.  I saw Nick and Jeff
at the bar, each with a mug of beer.  Jeff waved us over.

"Hey, guys.  Looks like the people at Visa will be happy," Nick said,
pointing at the bags Justin and Drew were carrying.

"Nothing for you?" Jeff asked me.

"No.  I can come here whenever I want, remember?  Besides," I said, "Heckle
and Jeckle here only wanted to go in the ritzy stores.  I'm not a pop star
so I can't go around spending money like it's water.  You saw the pathetic
Jeep I drive."

"Well, then," Jeff said.  "Dinner's on me then."

"Damn straight!  Especially after I played chauffeur, too."

Just then, the hostess came over and told us our table was ready.  The
restaurant had seating "indoor" and "outdoor".  The "outdoor" seating
consisted of a patio that overlooked the Camp Snoopy amusement park that
sits in the center of the Mall.  It's not really outside and you have to
contend with the people screaming on the roller coaster so it's not that
nice.  Fortunately, the guys choose to sit inside.

As everyone began to follow the hostess, I grabbed Jeff's arm, nearly
spilling the beer he was carrying.

"Hey!"

"Sorry," I said.  "I just wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"We had another fight."

"Oh," he frowned.  "In front of Justin?"

"No.  This time was worse, though."

"Really?  He told me he wanted to fix everything."

"Well, I didn't give him the chance," I said.  "And don't think I'm not
pissed at you and Justin for putting me in that situation."

"I'm sorry.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  Let's just go eat and
try to forget about it, okay?"

"Okay," I said as we walked the direction the other guys had gone.

We found the guys and I saw that Justin was sitting at the head of the
table.  Nick and Drew were sitting at one side, leaving two empty chairs
for Jeff and me.  Jeff sat down, leaving the one vacant chair for me.
Unfortunately, it was right across from Drew.  I sat down and looked at
him.  He glanced over at Jeff and then tried to smile at me.  It was
awkward, to say the least.

After the argument I had with Drew, I wasn't in the mood to eat.  Whenever
I get stressed, my appetite disappears.  I glanced over the menu and
realized it had been quite awhile since I had been to the restaurant.  The
menu looked different but I managed to decide on a house salad and a
wood-fired pizza.  Everyone else was studying the choices intently.

"Do I like gazpacho?" Jeff said out loud.

I looked at him with disbelief.  I wasn't sure whom he was asking but I
sure hoped it wasn't me.

"No," Nick said without looking up from his menu.

"Thanks," Jeff answered back.

That interaction brought a smile to my face.  It was almost like Jeff and
Nick were married.  All four guys practically live together, so I imagine
they know a lot about each other.

The waiter came over and took our orders.  Both Nick and Drew ordered pasta
dishes.  Justin, who said he was starving after spending all that money,
opted for a steak.  Jeff, like myself, ordered a pizza and salad.  Before
the waiter left, Nick ordered a bottle of wine for the table.

My mind started wandering and I didn't realize the waiter was asking me a
question.

"Sir, would you care for wine this evening?"

"No, thank you," I said.

"Are you sure?" Drew asked.

"I said 'no', Drew."

"Why, not?  We're all having some."

I felt the anger well up inside me.  I knew he was only trying to be
polite.  There's no way he could have known about my alcoholism.  I tried
to let it go.

"No!" I said sternly.

I could feel Justin, Nick, and especially Jeff looking at me but I was
focused on Drew.  Drew didn't speak as he slowly looked down at his glass
of wine.

Sensing the tension at the table, Justin spoke.  "So," he said, addressing
Nick and Jeff, "what did you two do this afternoon?"

"Genius over there wanted to buy his girlfriends' new single so we hit Sam
Goody," Jeff said, with just a hint of sarcasm.

"What?" Nick said.  It was a rather weak comeback.

"And we got recognized," Jeff continued.  "We ended up getting cornered in
the Pop/Rock section of the store."

"It wasn't that bad," Nick said.

"If you don't mind spending an hour and a half signing autographs."

"Sounds like we got off easy," Justin said to Drew.

"It was kind of fun," Jeff admitted.  "I like doing that more than those
meet and greets our record company has us do.  This was cool because no one
was expecting it.  The fans really enjoyed it."

"Nick, why didn't you just ask Jess for a copy?" Drew asked.

"I promised her I'd buy it," he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Nick," I said, "you're really dating Jessica Simpson?"

"Yes.  Is that hard to believe?"

"No, of course not.  It's just that I try not to put much faith in the
tabloid media.  You never know if the story is true."

"It's true," Justin said.  "Although there are times I wish he were still
single.  He never shuts up about her."

Nick gave Justin an evil look but Justin just laughed.

"I just mean that if she were around more, we wouldn't have to listen to
you complaining about how much you miss her."

"I do miss her," Nick said simply.

"So, what is she like?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's just Jess.  I've never met anyone like
her."

"Do you love her?"

After I asked the question I started to think I had overstepped the
boundary by asking a question a little too personal.  Nick, however, didn't
seem to feel that way.

"Yes, Alex.  More than I can explain."

For a moment it felt like it was just he and I talking.

"Can you try to explain?"

He took a deep breath and paused to try to come up with the words.  His
right hand slowly traced the rim of his wine glass.

"Before I met her," Nick began, "I had thought I had been in love a couple
of times.  The women I was with were great, but for whatever reason, it
just didn't work out.  It was all part of the plan, though, because I never
would have been as happy with any of them as I am with Jessica."  He smiled
and looked right into my eyes.  "When I kissed her for the first time,
everything changed.  I never knew you could feel like that from just a
kiss.  I feel that way every time.  Now, all those love ballads we sing
make sense to me."

"I think I'm going to hurl," Jeff deadpanned.

"Shut up!" I said as I elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ouch!"

"What about you, tough guy?  I've heard you say some pretty mushy things
before," Nick challenged.

"Okay.  Okay." Jeff laughed.  "I know I've been there, too.  Maybe not the
point where you are, but I understand about the kiss.  When it's right,
it's magical."

Suddenly, all I could think about was that afternoon I almost kissed Jeff.
I was so close to understanding what Nick and Jeff were talking about.  I
felt my stomach drop.

"Maybe it will never happen to me," I thought.

"I remember my first kiss.  The first real one, anyway."  Drew's words were
the first ones he'd spoken since he asked about the wine.  "It was Lea,
back in high school.  I was so shy back then.  Nick, I don't think you
realized just how scared I was, always being in your shadow.  I was always
'Nick's little brother' or 'Little Lachey'.  I hated that."

"You never told me that," Nick responded.

"It's not like you could have done anything about it.  But Lea was the
first person that saw me for me.  Because I was so shy, though, she had to
take the lead.  She kissed me out by the football field, in the snow."

I looked around the table and saw each of the guys lost in thought,
obviously reliving their first kiss.  I could only sit there, feeling
empty.

"Alex?"  Drew was talking to me.  "What was your first kiss like?"

I felt trapped.  I couldn't exactly tell him the truth.  I didn't need Drew
having any information that he could use against me.  If Drew and Justin
weren't there, I probably would have told Jeff and Nick.  I might have even
told Justin that I'd never kissed another man before; but I would never
tell Drew that.  Judging by the way he'd treated up until that point, he
probably would have laughed at me.

I felt the anger boiling up within.  This was my home, after all, and here
he was making me feel so worthless.  He knew exactly which buttons to push
to get me to abandon all the work I'd done to improve my self-esteem.  I
was about to explode and it wasn't going to be pretty.

I sat there, staring at him across the table from me.  As I was about to
speak I felt Jeff's hand come to rest on my leg, just above my knee.  He
squeezed my thigh gently.

"Drew," Jeff said, "maybe Alex doesn't want to discuss that here."

"I was only trying to." he responded.

"Drew!" Jeff said, almost sounding like a father figure.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

I couldn't tell if Drew was apologizing to me or to Jeff.

"I'll be right back," I said, about to stand up to go to the bathroom to
clear my head.

Jeff squeezed my leg one more time.  "Give him time," he whispered.  "He's
trying."

I got up and headed to the bathroom, trying to forget that the entire
afternoon had even happened.  By the time I got back to the table, the food
was arriving.  The guys were taking about business, most likely thinking
that talking music wouldn't upset me.  I was content to eat and listen, all
the while trying to ignore Drew.

"I just want to go home," I thought as Jeff was paying the check.
Unfortunately, Justin had another idea.


Scene 17


"How can you come here and not go to Camp Snoopy?" Justin asked.

"I have," I said, "many times."

"You don't count."

"Thanks," I laughed.

Despite the potential mob scene, Justin somehow convinced everyone they
needed to visit the amusement park that sits at the center of the Mall.
It's not a very big space as amusement parks go, but they somehow managed
to cram about ten rides in there.  Created by the same company that runs
Knott's Berry Farm, I always get a little nostalgic when I visit Camp
Snoopy.  It reminds me of the many times I'd visited Knott's growing up in
Southern California.

The first thing we did was head to the Pepsi Ripsaw Roller Coaster.
Standing in the short line, I made sure to keep my distance from Drew.  He
seemed to be doing the same thing, although he was having a good time,
joking with the other guys.  I couldn't tell if it was an act or not.  I
just didn't know him well enough to tell.  When we got to the front of the
line, Nick and Drew decided to sit together.  Jeff sat with me and Justin
was by himself in the seat right behind us.

"Ouch!" I said, realizing Justin had playfully slapped me in the back of
the head as we were going up the first hill.  "Do that again and I'm going
to come back there and hurt you."

"Not likely!" Justin laughed as we started down the first hill.

For a roller coaster in the middle of a shopping mall it goes pretty fast.
There are quite a few tight right-hand turns where I felt myself slamming
up against Jeff.  Unfortunately, on all the left-hand turns he was nearly
crushing me.  You don't realize just how much someone weighs until you're
pinned by him in a small steel roller coaster train.

"That was awesome!" I heard Justin exclaim as we pulled into the station.

We climbed out of the car and scrambled down the stairs to the exit.

"What's next?" Jeff asked.

"That," Justin said.  He was pointing at the Kite-Eating Tree ride.  Riders
sat on swings suspended from the canopy of a tree.  It was one of those
fast-spinning rides.

"Unless you want to see my dinner again, I won't be going on that one," I
said.

"Don't be a wimp," Justin said.  "If you can handle being crushed by Sugar
over there you can handle that."

"Leave him alone!"  Nick was coming to my rescue.  "I'm not doing that,
either."  He put his hands on my shoulders and I knew I was safe.

As Justin, Drew, and Jeff headed for the vomit-inducing tree, I felt Nick
pull on my shirtsleeve.

"Where are we going?"

"You're not afraid of heights, are you?"

"No," I answered.

Before I knew it, we were waiting to get on the Ferris wheel.  It's not a
huge Ferris wheel, but it feels like it because you are about 70 feet off
the ground overlooking the entire park.

We got in the car and started our slow circles.

"So, what's up between you and Drew?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to play dumb.  Nick didn't buy it.

"You know what I mean.  There was some definite tension between you two.
And when he asked you about your first kiss you just about lost it."

"We had a fight."

"About.?" he asked, trying to coax the information out of me.

"You don't want to know."

"What the hell does that mean?"

I sighed.  "It means I don't want to be caught in the middle of you and
Drew."

"If my brother did something that upset you, I want to know.  Sometimes
he's not the smartest guy when it comes to other people's feelings."

"He just doesn't like me."

"Why," Nick asked.

I turned away from him and looked out over the lights of the park.
"Because I'm gay," I said softly.

"That doesn't make sense."

"Really," I said incredulously.  "Obviously you've never lived my life.  A
large portion of this country thinks I'm headed to hell because I'm gay.
Why is it so hard to believe that Drew thinks the same?"

"Well," he countered, "you haven't lived my life.  I've been Drew's brother
since he was born.  How long have you known him?"

"That's not fair.  It's not the same thing.  You're not gay."

"You're right.  I'm not," he said angrily.  "But you don't know Drew like I
do.  I told you about our cousin, Matt?  Matt is gay and when he came out
to us I didn't take it well.  Drew, on the other hand, was incredibly
supportive.  Matt's in a serious relationship right now and Drew loves both
of them.  What you are describing is not my brother."

It was a good thing that we were stuck on that Ferris wheel.  If we were on
solid ground I probably would have turned and walked away, avoiding any
further confrontation.  I could see the venom in Nick's eyes.  He loved his
brother unconditionally and he wasn't afraid to show it.

"I'm sorry, Nick.  I didn't mean to upset you."

"I didn't mean to yell at you," he said as he calmed down.  "It's just that
I can't see Drew acting that way."

"I can't explain it, either.  He already knew Matt and it's much harder to
hate someone you already love."  A light bulb went off in my head.  "Maybe
it's because of Jeff.  I'm sure he told Drew about my attempt to kiss him."

"Don't be so sure," Nick said.  "Jeff knew that was an awkward situation
for you and I don't think he'd tell anyone about it without getting your
permission first."

"That's not what I was implying.  Maybe Drew just thinks I'm trying to
weasel my way into your life?"

"None of that sounds like Drew."

"I guess I'll have to take your word on that."

We sat in silence for a moment.  I was trying to think of something to say
when Nick's next question caught me off guard.

"Alex, why did you get so upset when Drew asked you about your first kiss?"

"Why do you want to know?" I asked defensively.

"Two reasons.  First, it might help me figure out why Drew is so hostile to
you.  Second- and most important-it really got to you.  I just don't want
to see you so upset.  Especially if there's something I can do to fix it."

I laughed in spite of myself.  "Trust me.  There's nothing you can do to
fix it."

"Try me."

"I can't, Nick."

"Why not?"

"It's so." I paused, looking for the right word.  "Embarrassing."

He leaned across the car and put his hand on my knee.  "Look at me," he
said.  "There is nothing you can tell me that's going to make me treat me
the way you think Drew is treating you.  Got that?"

I nodded.

"I'm not forcing you to tell me anything.  It just looks like you might
want to get this off your chest."

"I do," I whispered.

Nick leaned in a little more.  "You can tell me anything, Alex."

I gathered up all the courage I had and looked Nick directly in the eye.
"I've never been with another man," I said.  "In fact, I've never even
kissed one."

Nick squeezed my knee.  "That's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Are you kidding?  I'm 26 years old and I've never even kissed a man."

Nick sat back, quietly laughing to himself.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"You do remember who I'm dating, don't you?  In case you haven't heard it
in the tabloids, Jessica is a virgin.  So, the fact that you've never been
with a man really isn't all that shocking to me.  Now, before you say
anything, I know it's not the same.  But," he continued, "it's not all that
different, either."

"I'm not a virgin because of some great moral or religious principles," I
said.

"Have you had the opportunity?"

"Yes," I said, looking away.

"And why didn't you do it?"

"I didn't feel like I was ready."

"That sounds pretty moral to me," Nick said.  "At the very least it's a
level of responsibility that you and Jess share.  I admire that a lot in
her and I feel the same way about you."

"Really?"

"Of course.  I don't know your history, Alex, but I can't imagine growing
up gay was easy.  It says a lot about you that you decided to wait until
you are ready rather than jumping in and possibly risking your health and
future."

"Okay," I said.  "But we were talking about a kiss, not sex."

"You've never kissed anyone?"

"Yes, I have.  There were a couple of girls in high school and my freshman
year in college, but it never felt right."

"Listen, Alex.  It will happen for you.  Trust me.  If you wait for the
right guy, it will be better than you can imagine."

"Please don't tell Jeff about this."

"I won't tell anyone."  Suddenly, he connected everything.  "Jeff would
have been your first kiss, huh?"

I could only nod.

"You can do better," he said, trying to keep from laughing.

Just then, we arrived at the loading station for the Ferris wheel.  The
attendant let us off.  As we walked off, Nick threw his arm around my
shoulders.  It brought a smile to my face.

"Let's find the rest of the guys and get out of here.  I don't know about
you, but I could use some rest."

"I agree."

Nick stopped walking for a second.  I turned to look at him.

"Let me see if I can't figure out what's going on with Drew.  I really want
you to know him like I do.  He's a good guy."

I hoped Nick was right, but it seemed like a long shot.


To be continued.

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