Date: Sat, 27 Jul 2002 23:08:03 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 76-84

As always, this is fiction.  This story does not intend to portray the
private or public lives of any real people.  If you are under 18 (or 21
depending on your location), do not continue.

It's been a rough week and I'm a little amazed that I was able to get this
part of the story ready.  I hope everyone enjoys.  And I'm warning you up
front...big cliffhanger at the end.  Plus, I'm going on vacation so it might
take me a little longer to get the next installment out.  Sorry, but I need
to get out of town.

Anyway, I'm off to Vegas.  My friend Jase and I went and got our hair cut
today, so I'm looking good for my trip to Sin City.  I'm gonna come back
rich.  (Yeah, sure.)  Unfortunately, I won't be living it up like the
characters in my story...no Four Seasons for me.  Oh, well.  Everyone take
care and be good.

Thack


Scene 76


I was sitting on the plane trying to process everything that had happened
since I woke up.  I still couldn't really believe I was okay.  Honestly, I
had just about given up hope and resigned myself that I had cancer.  That's
probably why I was ready to take a drink and throw away nearly four years
of sobriety.  I was also trying to follow Aaron's advice.  He had said it
was just a kiss but I didn't know if that was the truth.  Aaron had kissed
lots of guys, but for me it wasn't so simple.  I decided that I wasn't
going to tell Drew.  If I didn't make it important, it wouldn't be.

After I had heard the news I went with Aaron to the gym.  We timed it
perfectly because Mike had just finished with a client when we got there.
When he saw me walking up to him he already knew.  Aaron didn't tell him;
we were just so close that he knew.  He saw my smile and he knew.  I walked
over to him and he hugged me.  Neither of us said anything, but we both
began to cry.  I was embarrassed to lose it again at the gym but Mike
didn't seem to care.  He held me for a long time before whispering
something in my ear.

"I love you, Alex."

I'd never heard him say something like that to me before.  It just wasn't
in his nature to express his emotions like that.  After he said it I
started crying even harder.  It took a while, but we both finally pulled it
together.

After talking to Mike for a bit, I headed over to the hotel to tell Sharon.
No crying this time but she did manage to pick me up and spin me around in
the middle of the lobby.  She's deceptively strong.  I also told my boss I
wasn't going to be in for a couple of days.  When she started to say
something, I told her about the cancer.  She wasn't happy that I wouldn't
be at work, but she did agree to my last minute request for a little time
off.  I went down to my department and made sure my assistant could handle
everything.  An hour later I was at the airport waiting for my plane to
leave.

By the time we landed I was in a bit of a daze.  I was glad the flight
attendant made an announcement welcoming us to Dallas or I would have had
trouble remembering where I was.  When I got off the plane, there was a
driver waiting for me.  Jeff had arranged everything for me.  When I called
him, I almost told him the good news, but then I decided I wanted to tell
all the guys together in person.  Each of them had gone out of his way to
support me and I wanted to see their faces when they heard.

An hour later I was standing in front of their door in the hotel.  I took a
deep breath and knocked.  In a matter of seconds the door flew open and
Justin greeted me.

"Alex!"

"Hi, Justin."

Despite his obvious surprise he quickly invited me in.  I walked in and saw
the other three sitting around a table that had a bunch of papers on it.
The shocked looks on Nick and Drew's faces proved that Jeff had done as I
had asked and not told anyone I was coming.  I glanced at him and saw him
looking at me with obvious concern.

"Oh my God!" Nick said, finally breaking the silence.

"What is it?" Drew asked without taking his eyes off of me.

"Alex?" Nick said.  "Why are you here?  You wouldn't come all the way down
here if it wasn't important and I don't think you'd be here if everything
was okay.  You heard, didn't you?  It's cancer."

My eyes were locked on Drew.  When he heard his brother say the words, I
saw his body crumple forward slightly.

"That's not why I'm here," I said, finally looking at Nick.  "That's not
why at all.  I just wanted to tell you all together, in person.  I've
leaned on all of you the last week and I wanted to tell you the good news
in person."

"Good news?" Justin asked from behind me.

"I'm okay," I said with a big, stupid grin on my face.

Jeff was the first one to process the information.  Before I knew it, he
was running over to me and hugging me.  He squeezed me as tight as he could
and I could feel a tremendous sense of relief from both of us.  Seconds
later I felt Justin place his hands on my back, gently rubbing.  When Jeff
and Justin finally let go, Nick was standing there to take their place.

"Thank God!" he said quietly as he hugged me.  "I thought we were going to
lose you."

Nick let go and I expected to find Drew standing there.  When I didn't feel
his arms around me, I looked over by the table.  Although he had stood up,
he hadn't really moved from where he was when I walked in.

"It's true?" he asked.

I nodded and smiled.

"You're not going to.die?"

"No, Drew."

>From nowhere, he began to cry.  I watched as the tears fell from his
beautiful eyes.  At first, the room was perfectly still and quiet.  Then,
Drew began to softly sob.  I walked over to him.  Reaching out, I pulled
him close to me as I gently kissed him on the forehead.  Ever so slightly I
rocked him back and forth.

"Shhh," I softly spoke.

His crying continued and it felt like I could do nothing to stop it.  I
could feel three sets of eyes watching us and wondering if everything was
okay.  I held Drew tightly for what seemed like hours.  Despite his tears,
I knew that everything was going to be okay.  I was going to be okay.


Scene 77


"My timing sucks," I said as I watched the guys packing.  I had only just
arrived at their hotel fifteen minutes before and they were getting ready
to check out and head to Houston.  I knew they were leaving that day but I
didn't realize it would be so soon.  Jeff had invited me to travel with
them, so I would still be able to spend time with them when they weren't
working.

"Yeah," Jeff replied.  "I was getting worried that we were going to miss
you."

"I would have followed the trail of teenage girls," I laughed.

"Oh, no," Nick sighed.  "The fans have figured out where we're staying?"

"No, Mr. Hollywood.  I was just trying to be funny.  Besides, they're not
after you."

"That's right," Justin chimed in from the room next door.  "They're after
me!"

We all laughed.

"Wait a minute.  You knew he was coming?" Drew asked Jeff.

Jeff nodded as he started organizing the papers that were strewn about the
table.

"So you knew he was okay?" Drew asked, giving me a slight glare.

"Down, boy!" I laughed.  "I didn't tell him anything.  I wanted to surprise
you."

"Wait.  Did you know this morning?"

"Yes.  But before you give me that look again, it wasn't until after we
talked.  Right when I hung up from talking to you the phone rang again.  I
thought it was you.  I was all ready to apologize when Gaf told me the
news."

"Gaf?" Nick questioned.

"My doctor.  It's short for Gaffney."

"Oh.  So you and my brother had a fight or something."

"Something," Drew said to Nick.  "Alex, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to feel sorry about," I pleaded.  "I'm the one who should
be apologizing.  If I called you at seven in the morning and some strange
guy answered I'd be a little upset, too."

"Are you sure you want to be having this conversation here?" Jeff asked.
"I mean, in front of us?"

"I don't have anything to hide," I said without thinking.  Suddenly, all I
could think about was kissing Aaron.  I did, indeed, have something to
hide.  I tried to remember what Aaron had said.  It was just a kiss.

"Still," Jeff said.  "We don't need to know everything."

"It's okay," I said.  "I was having a pretty rough day yesterday.
Everything was finally getting to me and I was about at my breaking point.
I got in an argument with Mike about something and that pushed me over the
edge.  Before I realized it I was sitting at a bar with a beer in my hand."

"You didn't drink, did you?"

I turned in the direction of the voice.  It was Justin, who was standing in
the doorway with a look of concern on his face.

"No.  But only because of Aaron."

"Is that who I talked to?" Drew asked.

"Yeah.  He's a trainer at the gym.  He saw me bolt out of the gym after I
got mad at Mike and he followed me to the bar.  He got me out of there and
took me home."

"Why did he stay all night?" Drew asked.

"A couple of reasons.  First, I was such a mess.  I didn't really trust
myself."

"You thought you were going to go out and drink?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah.  It was kind of scary.  I haven't felt that way in a very long time.
The other reason he stayed was that he's a cancer survivor.  He knew
exactly what I was going through and it really helped to be able to talk to
him about it."

"I told you that you could talk to Matt," Nick said softly.

"I know, Nick.  But I didn't really realize I needed to talk to someone who
had been through it until Aaron started talking to me.  I'm glad he was
there because I don't know what I would have done."

There was an eerie silence in the room.  I wasn't exactly sure what I meant
by my statement but it felt like everyone was assuming the worst.

"Can we not talk about this right now?" I asked, finally breaking the
quiet.

"We should go or we're going to miss our plane," Justin said.

As everyone gathered their bags, Drew came over to me and wrapped his arms
around me.  He hugged me and gave me a quick, yet tender kiss.

"Remind me to thank Aaron the next time I'm in Minneapolis," he whispered.

"Thank him?"

"He saved you for me."

I felt a wave of guilt pass over me as Drew kissed me again.  If he knew
exactly what had happened between Aaron and me, he certainly wouldn't be
thanking him.


Scene 78


I let my mind wander a bit as I looked around.  I tried to stifle a yawn,
but I wasn't very successful.  Justin caught me and gave me a sympathetic
grin.  It had already been a long day and I didn't relish the thought of
getting on another plane, even if it was just a 45- minute flight from
Dallas to Houston.  I was standing behind the guys at the ticket counter,
not really paying attention.  My ears perked up as I heard Drew raise his
voice.

"What do you mean there's not a ticket?"

I glanced up at the ticket agent, who looked like he wanted to crawl into a
hole right about then.  I sighed as I thought back over the hundreds of
times I'd given out bad news to people at the hotel.  It was times like
those that I really hated my job, so I empathized with the guy behind the
counter.

As Drew started arguing with the guy, I thought about what a control freak
my boyfriend was.  Although I'd only seen glimpses of this behavior, both
Jeff and Justin had told me stories about Drew's need to run the show.  I
also thought about how Nick hadn't ever told me any stories that made his
brother look bad.  It was a nice thing to realize, even if Drew was on a
rampage right then.

"Drew," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder, making him shut up and
face me.  "Don't worry about me.  If I don't have a ticket I can take a
later flight.  It's not worth getting upset over."

"No, Chief," Justin said.  "None of us have tickets."

"Oh," I responded.  "I guess I wasn't paying attention."

I'm sure it wasn't something he intended to do, but Drew rolled his eyes at
me, as if to imply that I should let him get back to arguing.  He turned to
face the ticket agent and said the one phrase that anyone who works with
the public despises.

"Do you know who we are?"

The man stared back at Drew with a blank expression.  I knew exactly what
he was thinking because I've thought it a hundred times.  You can never win
by answering.  If you say you don't know who the person is, they get mad
because you've wounded their ego.  And if you say you do know, the person
gets mad because they think their celebrity status implies special
treatment.  I felt the tension grow between Drew and the agent.

"Here's an idea," I said a bit more sarcastically than I wanted.  "Why
don't you guys go and.well, why don't you just go.  Let me figure all of
this out."

Drew turned and almost glared at me.  I was surprised at the venom in his
eyes.  Clearly, in his mind I had stepped over the line by trying to usurp
his power.

"I can handle this," he said flatly.

"I'm sure you can," I replied as calmly as I could.  "But you're starting
to make a scene and I really don't think you want to do that right here."

"Come on, little bro," Nick said.  He grabbed Drew's arm and pulled him
away as he nodded and smiled at me.  Justin and Jeff followed as I turned
to face the guy behind the counter.

"Thanks," he said.

"No problem.  I've been in your shoes many times."

It took about ten minutes, but we figured out that the guys' travel agent
had booked them on a flight for the same day but in the wrong month.  I had
to laugh when we also figured out that I had a ticket for the right flight.
Fortunately, there were seats available on the flight for everyone.  I
contemplated putting everyone in first class except Drew to punish him for
his behavior, but soon realized his retaliation could be withholding
certain sexual favors that I was very much looking forward to.  I handed
over my credit card, since the tickets weren't paid for and I said a little
prayer, hoping that I had enough to pay for the four seats.

"Here you are, Mr. Jackson," the guy said as he handed me the tickets and
boarding passes.

"Thanks.  You know, Drew's really not like that.  In fact, I've never seen
him do that before."

"Sure," he replied with a slightly sarcastic smile.

I couldn't blame him.  I knew that if were in his shoes I'd feel the same
way.  I even thought back over the couple of celebrities that had treated
me like dirt over the years.  There's nothing anyone can say that would
make me like those people.  Drew had alienated this guy for life and I
hoped he realized it.

I headed off to the gate, thinking that's where Nick would go.  I saw the
four of them standing around, trying to look inconspicuous.  I grinned as I
handed them each a ticket.

"Thanks, Alex," Jeff smiled.

"No problem.  Just remind me not to try to use my credit card," I laughed.

"I'm sorry," Nick replied.  "You shouldn't have done that."

"Well, I'm not implying that I just bought you each a plane ticket."

"And I thought you loved me," Justin cracked.

"Very funny, funny man," I responded.

"We'll get you a check tomorrow morning," Nick said.  "What happened,
anyway?"

"Well, it looks like your travel agent thought you were flying on November
2nd, not September."

"Again?" Drew complained.  "That's the second time she's done that.  We
need a new travel agent."

"The problem's solved," I said.  "And by the way, if that guy was ever a 98
Degrees fan, he sure isn't now.  That was pretty rude of you."

"I know," he said quietly.  "I don't know what came over me."

"Just don't do it again.  Not around me, anyway.  I've had my share of
run-ins with nasty celebrities and I refuse to date one."

"It won't happen again," he responded sheepishly, obviously sensing the
tone of my voice.

We all waited another twenty minutes before they started boarding the
plane.  I smiled when Drew went out of his way to be nice to the flight
attendants, presumably for my benefit.  After we took off, I turned to
Drew, who was sitting next to me.  I was about to ask him something when I
noticed he was asleep.  I shrugged my shoulders and climbed out of my seat.
Hopping across the aisle, I sat in the empty seat next to Nick.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Not sleeping beauty, over there."

"No, he almost always falls asleep on planes.  Don't know why.  Don't take
it personally."

"I'm not," I grinned.  "He's probably just faking it because he knows I was
about to lecture him again.  He's not usually like that, is he?"

"No, Alex.  He's just been stressed lately."

"Because of me," I said, suddenly feeling guilty.

"Yeah.  But don't feel bad about that.  He just loves you, it's that
simple."

I turned and looked at Drew across the cabin.  His head was propped up
against the fuselage at a strange angle.  I could see his chest rise and
fall slowly with each breath.  When I turned back toward Nick, I saw him
grinning at me.

"What?" I said, feeling embarrassed for no good reason.

"Nothing.  I just like seeing you in love."

I smiled and shook my head, not knowing what to say.  I sat there for a
couple of minutes, letting my mind wander again.  Thinking back over the
day, I involuntarily cringed when I thought about kissing Aaron.  I
couldn't believe how stupid that was.  For a split second I contemplated
telling Nick.  But then, I remembered what Aaron said.  It was just a kiss.

"Hey, Alex," Nick said, breaking into my thoughts.

"What?"

"I'm glad you're here."

"Thanks."

"No, I really mean it."

"I know you do."  I paused.  I wanted to ask Nick something but I wasn't
sure I wanted to hear the answer.  Nick looked at me, as if he were trying
to figure out what was going on in my head.

"What is it, Alex?  You look like you were about to say something."

"Did you mean what you said earlier?"

"About being glad that you're here?" he asked.  "Of course."

"No, I mean.earlier.  This morning."  I stumbled over my words, feeling a
bit flustered.

"What is it, Alex?"

 "Well.when you found out I was okay, you said, 'I thought we were going to
lose you.'  Did you really think that?  Did you think I was going to.?"

I swallowed hard, not wanting to say the word.  I looked at Nick, noticing
that the bottom of his lip was quivering ever so slightly.  He shut his
eyes momentarily and started to nod.  A shiver ran through my body and I
blinked hard to keep the tears from falling.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear over the roar of
the jet engines.

"Don't be."

"But it's a horrible thing to admit."

"It's okay, Nick.  I don't blame you.  But I didn't know you felt that
way."

"Thank God," he said.  "I never would have wanted you to know.  But after
Drew came back from seeing you, he showed me all the research he'd done.
It was scary, Alex.  I called up Matt and talked to him about it.  I know
you didn't want people to know, but I needed to talk to him.  I hope you're
not mad at me."

"I'm not."

"Good."

We both sat there quietly, each trying to figure out what to say next.  All
I could think about was how lucky I was.  If I had developed liver cancer,
my chances of survival were pretty low.  I was fortunate, plain and simple.

"You know I'm okay, right?" I asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I know," Nick said as he grabbed my hand.  "I know."

I felt the warmth of his hand pressed against mine.  It was a simple
gesture, but it meant so much to me.  It was hard to describe, but I just
felt safe.

"Little bro is waking up," he said, glancing across the aisle.  "Why don't
you go be with him?  He needs you."

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked as I let go of his hand.

"Yeah," he smiled.  "I'm fine.  We're all going to be okay."

I nodded as I stood up.  Nick was right.

The rest of the flight was uneventful.  Drew and I didn't really talk but
we didn't really need to.  It was just nice being with him.  To no one's
surprise, there wasn't any transportation set up for us so we grabbed a cab
to get to the hotel.  That should have set off warning bells for me, but I
was so tired I didn't really think about it.

"I'm sorry, but we don't show any reservations for you, Mr. Lachey," the
woman at the Front Desk of the hotel said.

Like I said, I should have thought ahead after the fiasco at the airport,
but I didn't.  I sighed and tried to figure out what to do.

"You," I said, pointing my finger at Drew, "keep quiet."

"Very funny," he said sarcastically.  "This one's all yours," he said as he
walked away.

"Check for November 2nd," I suggested.

Sure enough, the reservations were made for the wrong month.
Unfortunately, this was a case of having no room at the inn.  Apparently
Houston was the site of a large convention that week.

"What's the convention?" Justin asked.

"It's the American Association of Cereal Chemists," the woman replied.

"Come again?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah.  They were in Minneapolis a couple of years ago," I said.

"Who?" Jeff ventured.

"Cereal Chemists.  They're the people who put all the preservatives in your
Cheerios."

"I don't eat Cheerios," Justin deadpanned.

"That's really not the point," Nick said, slightly annoyed.

"Just making an observation," Justin returned.  Nick glared and Justin
turned to go over and keep Drew company.

I talked to the woman at the Desk and they truly were out of rooms.  They
had already "walked" a couple of people.  "Walking" is a term that
hoteliers use to describe what happens when you overbook.  Much like
airlines, hotels overbook because they typically have people who make
guaranteed reservations and then fail to show up.  If you are ever
"walked", a hotel will pay for your room and tax for the night plus
transportation to and from the hotel.  It's not fun to relocate a guest, so
I empathized with the woman at the desk.

"So what do we do now?" Nick asked.

"Give me your cell phone," I said.  "I have an idea."

Nick shrugged and offered up his phone.  I walked away and made a few
calls.  Over the years I had a long list of people I knew all over the
country at various hotels.  I crossed my fingers and hoped I could track
down one of my Houston contacts.  Fortunately, someone was looking after me
that day because I came through.

"Good news?" Jeff asked as he saw me approach.  He was sitting in a corner
of the lobby with Drew.  "I was talking to the night manager and he said
the entire city was booked."

"Well, let's just say I pulled some strings.  I had to practically beg,
borrow, and steal but I got us two rooms at a hotel that's close by."

"Just two rooms?" Drew asked.

"It's all I could do," I answered.

"What's the problem?  We've shared rooms before..." Suddenly Jeff
understood.  "Oh," he laughed.  "It looks like Sprout's not gonna get any
tonight!"

Jeff burst into laughter.  I looked over at Drew, whose face was about as
red as I'm sure mine was.  I playfully socked Jeff in the arm, which only
made him laugh harder.

"What's going on?" Nick said as he and Justin joined us.

"Nothing," I said firmly.

"That's right!" Jeff added between more laughter.

I couldn't help but smile, although I still could feel myself blushing.
Not wanting Jeff to fill Justin and Nick in on the joke, I quickly informed
them about the hotel I'd found.  Within minutes we were out the door and
off.

We checked in at the hotel and decided that Nick, Drew, and I would share a
room.  That way people would think that Nick and his brother were sharing a
bed.  It also meant that Drew and I could sleep together.  After grabbing a
quick bite to eat in the hotel restaurant, we said goodnight to Justin and
Jeff and went to the room.

"You have no idea how badly I want to be with you," Drew said when Nick
finally went into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

"I think I have a pretty good idea," I chuckled.

"But you know I can't do anything tonight.  Not with Nick here."

"We're not even going to go there," I laughed.  "It never even crossed my
mind that we would try anything.  That's just too gross for words."

"I agree," Nick laughed as he walked into the room, surprising us both.  He
had a towel slung over his bare shoulders.

Once again, both Drew and I turned a deep shade of red.  Nick smiled slyly
and jumped into bed.

"Goodnight, guys," he said, turning off the lamp next to his bed.

Drew and I ventured to the bathroom to get ready for bed.  Closing the
door, we were finally alone.

"I love you," he said suddenly.

I pulled him close and brought his lips to mine.  I pressed them together
and gently slipped my tongue into his mouth.  It was a passionate kiss that
seemed to take his breath away.

"I love you, too, honey," I whispered.

Soon, we found ourselves snuggled in our bed.  Almost instinctively, Drew
wrapped his arms around me.  I breathed in the sensation of the warmth of
his body.  I felt his breath against my neck as he slowly drifted off to
sleep.  Just before I fell asleep, I said a silent prayer, hoping that the
mistakes I had made wouldn't destroy the best thing that had ever happened
to me.  I prayed that my love for Drew would be strong enough.


Scene 79


When I heard the knocking on the door, I struggled to figure out where I
was.  I was drifting back and forth between sleeping and waking.  I
tentatively opened one eye and soon discovered that it was very bright in
the room.  I closed my eyes and remembered that I had fallen asleep in
Drew's arms.  I rolled onto my back and stretched my arms out, hoping to
find him next to me.  All I found was his pillow.

"Is he awake?" I heard a voice ask quietly.

"I don't think so," was the reply.

I stretched and yawned, finally opening both eyes.

"If you're talking about me," I announced, "then I'm awake."

I sat up slightly, propping myself on my elbows.  I looked over and saw
Nick sitting on his bed, pulling on his shoes.  Jeff was standing near him,
dressed in sweats and a t-shirt.

"Look, Jeff.  Sleeping beauty is finally up."

"Very funny," I said as sarcastically as possible.

Nick grinned at me.  I grabbed Drew's pillow and launched it across the
room.  My aim was less than stellar because I missed him by about three
feet.

"Nice one, Jackson," Jeff commented.

"Whatever," was my rather weak comeback.

"We're going to work out," Nick said, still grinning like a Cheshire cat.
"We'll be gone for at least an hour."

"Not interested," I said.  "I don't know how you people can work out this
early in the morning."

"First of all, it's nearly ten.  And second of all, that wasn't an
invitation."

I was surprised by Nick's statement and I felt as though my pride was
wounded.  Nick must have seen it in my face because he quickly responded.

"That didn't come out right," he said.  "I knew you weren't interested in
working out with us.  The point is that we'll be gone for at least an
hour."

"So," I said.

Nick turned and looked at Jeff, who started laughing.  Soon, Nick joined
him and I felt very out of the loop.

"What gives?" I almost pouted.

"You want to take this one?" Nick asked Jeff.

"Gladly," he said.  "Let me see if I can't strip this down to a few key
words."

"Are you making fun of me?" I asked, still trying to figure out what was
going on.

"Only a little," was his response.  "Just listen and see if you can't
figure it out.  One hour.  You.  Drew.  Shower.  Naked."

Once I figured it out I started laughing.  Although I never found out, I'd
bet that Jeff arranged to work out with Nick so that Drew and I could be
alone.

"Enough said," I laughed.

In a couple of minutes, the guys had left, but only after Nick warned me
that he didn't want to walk in on us.  I grinned and nodded, waiting for
them to leave before heading to the bathroom.  I opened the door and was
met with a curtain of steam.  I could hear Drew singing softly over the
sound of the running water.  I quickly peeled off my boxers and opened the
shower door, surprising Drew.

"You know we can't do this with Nick out there."

"Good morning to you, too," I chuckled as I stepped in and closed the door
behind me.  It was a tight fit but I don't think either of us cared.  "Nick
is gone.  He and Jeff went to work out.  They assured me that they would be
gone at least an hour."

"Oh," he said.  "Then it is a good morning."

I laughed and pulled him against me.  I kissed him deeply and let my hands
run across his powerful back.  He pulled me closer to the shower head and I
felt the hot water hit my scalp, soon making me as wet as he was.  I moaned
as he grabbed my butt and squeezed.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered.

I didn't speak.  Instead, I leaned over and placed my mouth on one of his
pecs, teasing the nipple with my tongue.  I soon moved to the other, giving
it the same treatment.  With one hand, I reached down and grabbed his cock,
which was already getting hard.  I massaged his balls and gently tugged on
his shaft.

"Oh God, Alex.  That feels so good."

As carefully as I could to avoid slipping on the wet surface of the tile, I
moved back and sat on the small seat in the corner of the shower.  Reaching
out, I guided Drew toward me.  I leaned forward and slid Drew's dick into
my mouth.  It was the first time I'd ever done it and it was an amazing
feeling.  I slowly worked my mouth up and down his shaft, all the while
concentrating on keeping my teeth out of the way.  I remembered the feeling
of having Drew blow me and I hoped he was enjoying the feeling.

"Oh, Alex!"

I don't know how long it took, but I was in heaven.  Soon Drew had his
hands on the back of my head and he had taken control.  He was very gently,
however, making sure I was okay.  Suddenly, he pulled back.

"Alex, I'm about to cum."

"It's okay, Drew," I said as I looked up at him.  "I want to taste it."

"Are you sure?"

"More than anything," I said.

With that he moved closer and I started sucking him off again.  It couldn't
have been more than a minute before I heard him moaning.  Then, he started
to cum.  I felt shot after shot hit the roof of my mouth.  I pulled my
mouth off his dick and watching him shoot several more streams of cum, some
hitting my cheek.

I knew I was close myself.  As I licked my lips and tasted his cum, I
reached down and started stroking my hard cock.  As soon as Drew recovered,
he quickly dropped to his knees in front of me.  The water from the shower
splashed off his back and sprayed me in the face.  I closed my eyes just as
Drew put his mouth on my cock.  It was only seconds before I came.  I
reached down and let my fingers run through his short, wet hair.

Drew stood up and pulled me so I was standing also.  He leaned in and
kissed me passionately.  Our tongues met and we shared the remnants of two
loads.  It was incredibly sexy.

"That was amazing," he said finally.

"You can say that again," I smiled.

We spent another ten or fifteen minutes cleaning up.  Although we were both
still raring to go, I insisted that we stop.  After all, Nick was gracious
enough to give us some time alone.  The least we could do was to be dressed
and out of the shower when he got back.

About thirty minutes later, Nick returned.  Drew was sitting at the desk,
working on something.  I was on the bed, absentmindedly flipping through
the channels on the TV and daydreaming about Drew.

"How was the workout?" I asked.

"Good.  And how was the shower?"

"Good," I said with a laugh.

"Just 'good'?" Drew asked.

"I don't want to know!" Nick laughed.

"Fair enough.  We'll talk about it later," I said to Drew with a wink.

Nick could only laugh and shake his head.  He sat down on the bed and
pulled off his shoes.  As he stood up to reached over and playfully tousled
my hair.  I looked up at him and he winked at me.  I just smiled as he went
into the bathroom.

"Drew, you've got a pretty good brother."

"I know."


Scene 80


I spent most of the day in the hotel room.  We weren't staying at that nice
a place, but I didn't really care.  I was content with just relaxing.  My
body had been through so much stress over the last couple of weeks that it
needed a chance to do nothing.  I ordered room service and watched my soaps
all afternoon.  The only time I left the room was when the room cleaner
came to clean the room.  I wandered around the hotel and tried not to
think.

Something, however, was gnawing at me.  Try as I might, I just couldn't
dismiss the kiss I had with Aaron.  It wasn't that I wanted him.  In fact,
right then I kind of wished I'd never see him again.  That line of thought
made me feel even guiltier, since Aaron had done nothing to encourage me.
The emotions I was experiencing were pretty confusing.

I stopped at the gift shop and bought a newspaper.  Walking across the
lobby, I stopped and sat down in a chair by the window.  I absentmindedly
flipped through the paper, not really reading at all.  I was trying to
figure out what to do.  Part of me knew that if I didn't tell Drew right
away, things could be bad if he found out eventually.  I'd seen that happen
many times on my soap operas.  Then there was the other part of me that
said I shouldn't base my life on daytime dramas.  If I just waited it out,
I surmised, my guilt would pass and I'd hardly remember I'd ever kissed
Aaron.

"Would you care for something from the bar?"

The question interrupted my muddled thoughts.  I looked up and saw
bartender standing over me.  It was only then that I realized I had sat
down right next to the bar.  For a split second I considered it.  Deep
down, I wanted to drink.

"No, thanks," I said finally.  "Not today."

The bartender wished me a pleasant afternoon and I stood up to go back to
my room.  I'd learned long ago not to tempt fate by staying around alcohol
when I felt that way.

When I got back to the room I noticed the message light on the phone was
flashing.  I dialed into voicemail and picked up the message.  It was Nick
asking me to call him on his cell phone.

"Hey, Nicky.  What's up?" I said when I called.

"We have to get you a cell phone."

"Sorry," I chuckled.  "Until I met all of you I had no need for one.  I'm
not really the globetrotting type."

"Maybe," he said as if he were trying to hide something.  "You still need a
cell phone."

"We'll see.  So what did you want?"

"Can you come meet us right now?  There's something we want to discuss with
you."

Nick's tone was suddenly serious.  I honestly didn't know why they were in
Houston, so I had no idea what this was about.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, not at all,"

"Then what is it?" I asked.

"Just come and we'll talk."

I agreed and Nick proceeded to tell me where they were.  I wrote down the
address and headed out.  It turns out it wasn't too far from the hotel,
because I was there in under ten minutes.  The cab took me to a place
called the Galleria.  It was huge complex that contained a shopping mall,
two hotels, and a large office building.  Following Nick's directions, I
went into the office building and took the elevator to the tenth floor.
Standing outside the office, I tried to figure out what it was.  The sign
read "Murphy, Stone, Reynolds, and Associates".  I guessed that it was
either a law or an accounting office.

"Hello," the receptionist greeted me as I entered the office.  "You must be
Mr. Jackson.  Please follow me."

I followed the woman, who led me to a room that looked out towards Downtown
Houston.  The guys were inside, seated around a large conference table.  I
felt strangely out of place, as if I were walking into a meeting for which
I hadn't prepared.

"Okay," I said as soon as the receptionist left, leaving us alone.  "What
gives?  I feel like my teacher just handed me a pop quiz and I didn't do
the reading."

"Relax," Drew chuckled.  "Just come sit by me."

"Okay.  Where are we, anyway?"

"It's a law office," Jeff explained.  "Our management company wanted us to
sign some new contracts but we wanted to get them checked out first.  We
brought them here to have our lawyers approve them."

"You're lawyers are in Houston?"

"This firm is one of the best entertainment attorneys in the country,"
Justin said.  "They have offices here, as well as New York and LA.  Since
we were in Dallas, we decided to come here."

"What does this have to do with me?" I asked, still feeling very much in
the dark.  "I'm still a little weirded out."

"Don't be," Nick said.  "The four of us were talking business so we asked
the firm if we could use a boardroom, but this has nothing to do with the
lawyers.  We were talking things over and something came up.  It directly
involves you."

Something flashed in my head and I suddenly felt a little sick to my
stomach.  I had been looking right at Nick, but I quickly looked down,
trying to decide what to say.

"I'm sorry, guys.  I never meant to put you in this situation.  It was
wrong of me to invite myself along.  I just wanted to tell you my good news
in person.  I hope you know that I didn't mean to cause any problems.  It
won't happen again."

"Wait a minute!" Jeff nearly yelled.  "You didn't invite yourself here.  I
did.  I think you have this all wrong, Alex."

"What?" I said.  "I'm thoroughly confused."

"There's no need," Nick smiled.  "We're here to offer you a job."

"A job?  I thought you were about to ask me to keep my distance when you
are working."

"Quite the opposite.  We were discussing our travel arrangements.  Over the
last couple of months things haven't been exactly smooth.  We all saw how
you handled the problems we ran into yesterday.  If you weren't around we
would have had to fend for ourselves."

"So, I was thinking," Justin jumped in, "that maybe you could work for us.
You know, plan our trips and make sure that everything goes like it
should."

"Don't you have a tour manager for that?" I asked.

"We do," he said.  "His name is Josh and he's a great guy.  But he only
works for us when we are officially on tour for the label.  In the
beginning, that was fine.  But now, we are doing a lot more travel even
when we're not on tour.  We have a lot of appearances, smaller shows and TV
gigs and that's when we run into the problems."

"So you want me?  Why don't you just get a new travel agent?"

"We discussed that," Jeff said.  "But in the long run we think that you'd
do a much better job.  You have a personal interest in us, after all."

"So you're offering me this because I'm with Drew," I said.  I turned and
looked at Drew, who hadn't said a word since I sat down.  He looked at me
with a stern look.

"That's not the reason," he said.  "When Justin first brought up the idea I
was against it.  Not because I didn't want to have you around more, but
because I knew this is how you'd react."  He paused for a moment.
"Honestly, yes.  Being involved with me is the reason why you're around us.
But we're offering you the job because we know you'd be great at it.  You
know so much about the travel industry.  But most importantly, we trust
you.  It's clear that you have our best interests at heart.  You were just
ready to leave because you thought you were getting in the way."

To say I was surprised would have been the understatement of the century.
I never thought I'd be getting a job offer that afternoon.

"For the record," Jeff added, "we all want you to do this.  Like Drew said,
we trust you.  But, if it's not right for you, we'd understand."

My mind was racing.  My initial reaction was to say yes immediately, but
the rational side of me started to take over.

"So, does this mean I'd be traveling with you guys?"

"That's entirely up to you," Nick replied.  "You could do it from home, but
we really would like you to handle all of the travel details for us when
we're on the road."

"And how much do you travel?" I asked.

"About 45 weeks a year."

"So I'd be living on the road."

"Basically, yes."

"And money?"

"$80,000 a year.  Plus health insurance and some other perks."

"Did you say 80?" I asked, swallowing hard.

"It's negotiable," he said.  "Were you thinking higher?"

"Nick, did you say $80,000 a year?" I asked again.

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said.  "That's only two and a half times what I'm
making now.  But I don't get it.  You certainly could find a better travel
agent for far less than that."

"Of course we could," Jeff said.  "But the point is that you will be there
to handle all of the details for us.  Right now Drew is trying to do all of
that and it's getting to be too much for him.  Not having to worry is worth
that kind of money when you travel as much as we do."

I sat back in the chair and looked out the window.  It was a lot to think
about all at once.  The day before I was preparing to battle cancer and now
I was seriously considering a job offer from 98 Degrees.  It's amazing how
quickly life can change, no matter how carefully you plan.

"So," I said tentatively.  "Do you need an answer right now or can I think
about it a day or so?  I'd like to run it by someone first."

"Take all the time that you want," Nick smiled.  "Just make sure you say hi
to Mike for us."

I looked at him and smiled.

"You guys know me too well," I grinned.

"Oh," Nick added.  "One more thing.  If you take the job, I'll buy you that
cell phone."


Scene 81


"Speaking of which, can I use your cell phone, Drew?"

Drew handed me his phone and I left the conference room.  Just moments
before, the guys had offered me a job coordinating their travel.  My
initial reaction was to say yes immediately.  I would have the opportunity
to travel with the guys and be with Drew all the time.  Plus, it was an
incredible amount of money.  Of course, there were some very real cons to
consider.  The most important one being the fact that I would be traveling
about 45 weeks a year.  My life, as I knew it would be over.  I would have
to say goodbye to all of my friends.  I would also have to say goodbye to
my best friend.

Without much thought, I dialed the number to the fitness desk at the gym.
As the phone rang, I realized that Aaron could possibly answer.  I didn't
know what I would say to him if he did.

"Fitness desk.  This is Mike."

"Hey, Mike," I said as I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Where in the hell are you, Alex?"

"Well, hello to you too."

"I've been trying to track you down all day.  You need to get a cell
phone."

"Really?" I laughed, remembering that Nick had said the same thing.  "Why
were you looking for me?"

"Because I talked to Aaron."

"Oh, shit!"

"'Shit' is right.  What were you thinking, Alex?"

"Honestly, I wasn't thinking at all at that point," I said forcefully.

"Of course not," Mike replied.  "I'm sorry.  But still."

"What did Aaron tell you?"

"He basically made a rather off-color remark that you are a good kisser."

"Is that all he said?"

"Don't do this, Alex."

"Do what?"

"Damn it!" Mike yelled.  "Do you really want to hear me say it?  Fine!
Aaron said that you tried to sleep with him.  Is that what you wanted to
hear?"

I stood there, stunned.  I was standing out in the hall, but I could see
Drew in the conference room through a window.  He was talking to Jeff and
he looked very serious.  Of course, I had no idea what they were talking
about but I immediately thought I was the subject at hand.  I turned away,
shutting my eyes.  I tried to shake the image out of my head, but all I
could see was Aaron.  He was standing in front of me, wearing only a pair
of boxers.  I opened my eyes but the image was still in my mind.

"Look, Alex," Mike continued with a slightly calmer voice.  "I just don't
want you to fuck this up.  Drew is the best thing that has ever happened to
you."

"I know," I said quietly.

"So just stay away from Aaron.  I told you he was bad news."

"Okay."  I turned and looked through the window again.  Drew saw me staring
at him and he smiled at me.  I did my best to smile back but I wasn't very
successful.  "Listen, Mike?  Can we talk about this when I get home?"

"When is that going to be?"

"I don't know.  Tomorrow?  The day after?"

"Sure, buddy.  I just want you to be happy.  If I thought Aaron was a part
of that, I wouldn't say anything.  But you're just not the kind of guy that
can handle juggling two guys at once.  It's just not you."

"I know."

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know, Mike.  I don't know."

We said our goodbyes and I hung up.  As I went back into the conference
room, I remembered I had been using Drew's phone.  I walked over and handed
it to him.

"So what did Mike think?" he asked.

"About what?"

"About you working for us."

I blinked and it took a few seconds for me to process Drew's question.
Suddenly, I realized I hadn't even brought up the job offer with Mike.
That seemed to be the last thing on my mind at that moment.

"Oh," I said, scrambling to come up with a lie.  "He was too busy to really
talk.  We're going to discuss it when I go home."

Before Drew could respond, Nick walked into the room with a grin on his
face.

"Here," he said as he handed me a cell phone.

"Nick, I really haven't had time to make up my mind.  I hope you
understand."

"That's not what this is," he laughed.  "This is my phone.  There's someone
here that wants to say hello."

Puzzled, I took the phone and placed it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Alex!  Nicky told me the great news.  I'm so glad you are okay."

"Thanks, Jess," I smiled.  I looked over at Nick, who was beaming.

"When Nicky told me you were sick I really wanted to call, but I kind of
figured you had too much to deal with.  I didn't want to intrude."

"Oh, Jess.  You'd never be intruding.  But, I do appreciate the thought."

"I was praying for you.  My whole family was, actually."

Without warning I got choked up.  In seconds, tears began to flow down my
cheeks.  I felt Drew and Nick's eyes on me, each with great concern.  I
don't know why, but the thought of having Jess and her entire family
praying for me was almost overwhelming.  Drew reached over and grabbed my
arm, giving it a squeeze.  I looked at him and smiled between the tears to
let him know I was okay.

"Alex?"

"Sorry," I said as I turned and looked out the window over the city.  "That
just got to me.  Did you really pray for me?"

"Of course I did.  And God was listening."

"That means more that you realize, Jess.  I've never really had more than
one or two people in my life that truly cared about me.  And now, I have
all the guys and you.  It's a bit much to take, sometimes."

"You deserve it, Alex.  You've done some great things in the short time
I've known you.  You took care of Nick.  Actually, you took care of all
them when they were in Minnesota.  And what you've done for Drew is
incredible.  It's about time you realize how many people love you."

I was speechless, again.  Although I'd managed to stop crying, I was still
feeling very emotional.  Although I appreciated hearing Jessica say the
words, I felt guilty at the same time.  If I had done great things for
Drew, then why did I kiss another man?  Thinking about that, I didn't feel
like I deserved everyone's love.  I stood up and walked closer to the
window.

"Jess?" I practically whispered, trying to keep anyone else from hearing
me.  "Can I ask you a huge favor?"

"Of course.  What is it?"

"I know you're tremendously busy, but do you think I could come see you?
There's something I need to talk about and I don't really want to do it on
the phone."

"You are okay, right?" she asked quickly.  "You're not sick."

"No, I'm fine."

"Good," she sighed.  "I'd love to see you.  You're welcome any time."

"Thanks.  Do you think I could come tomorrow?"

"That would be perfect!  I'm in Orlando.  I have a show tomorrow night and
then I have the next day off."

"Great.  I'll call you later.  I don't want to discuss it right now.
Drew's in the room."

"Alex, what's wrong?"

"Nothing.  I mean, I can't talk right now."  I sighed heavily.  "One more
thing?"

"What's that?" she questioned.

"If Drew asks, do you think you could say that it was your idea for me to
come see you?"

"I suppose," she said.  "But I don't like it.  You're going to tell me the
whole story when you get here."

"I will, I promise."

"Bye, Alex."

"Bye."

I turned and walked over to the group.  Handing the phone back to Nick, I
tried to smile but it just felt empty.

"What was that about?" Nick asked.

"Nothing," I lied.  "She just told me that her entire family was praying
for me.  It just kind of got to me."

"We all were praying for you, Chief," Justin said.

"Thanks," I said.  "I'm just not used to so many people thinking about me.
I'm going to go see her before I go home."

"When are you leaving?" Drew asked.

"Tomorrow," I replied.  "If I can get a flight."

Drew looked at me with sadness in his eyes.  I knew he expected me to be
with him longer, but I needed to get home and I needed to figure out how to
fix the mess I'd created.

I waited for about an hour as the guys wrapped up their work for the day.
I made my travel arrangements and tried not to think.  Soon, we all left to
head back to the hotel.  Nick had rented a car and Drew, Jeff and I rode in
the back seat.  I was sitting between them.  As soon as we left the parking
lot, I rested my head on Drew's shoulder.  He gently stroked my hair as I
listened to the rhythm of his breathing.  Despite my jumbled feelings, I
knew that I was right where I should be.  I resolved that I would fix
everything.  Somehow, I would find a way to be with Drew.  It was the only
way I could live.


Scene 82


That night and the following day flew by.  I spent most of my time just
hanging out with the guys.  I could tell Drew wanted to be alone with me
but that was just something I couldn't handle.  Once or twice, Drew
questioned me about it but I told him it was nothing, explaining that we
really didn't have any privacy with only two hotel rooms for the five of
us.  All in all, however, it was good to be around everyone.  I was still
trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was physically okay.

I had scheduled a flight to Orlando in the late afternoon.  Once I arrived,
it took longer for me to pick up my luggage, find a cab, and get to my
hotel than I had anticipated.  As I rode into town, I realized I wouldn't
be able to see Jessica before her concert.  We had already made plans for
me to meet her backstage, so I wasn't too worried.

Jess was headlining a show at the House of Blues.  Since I had never been
there before, I grabbed a cab from my hotel to take me there.  I was
surprised when I found out the House of Blues was located at Walt Disney
World.  As we drove past the Disney World sign, I thought back to the night
when Drew and I shared our first kiss.  It was a wonderful memory and I
again resolved myself to fixing the mess I had created.

Located in a section of Disney World called Downtown Disney, the House of
Blues sat on the edge of a lake.  Part club and part restaurant, the
building was an odd-looking structure that resembled a huge shack from the
Mississippi Delta.  As I arrived, I saw people streaming into the building.

I went to the box office and picked up my ticket and backstage pass.  I was
escorted upstairs to a seat that very nearly was over the stage.  Not only
could I see the entire stage but also the entire audience.  It was a unique
view.  The place was packed, and I was surprised at the variety of ages
represented.  There were some parents who had brought their young girls,
but there were lots of twenty-something men and women.  Since the House of
Blues is a club, there were no seats; just hundreds of people packed onto
the dance floor in front of the stage.

I had timed it perfectly because the last opening act had just finished.
The lights dimmed and a group of dancers entered.  From my vantage point, I
could count three men and three women.  Their high-energy choreography got
the crowd excited.  Suddenly, the music stopped and a spotlight appeared.
The instant the crowd saw Jess they began to cheer.  She was rising from
beneath the stage into the spotlight.  She was wearing a very sexy white
pantsuit and a top that left her midriff bare.

She sang all of her hits, as well as a few songs she said where going to be
on her new album.  She also had several costume changes.  During one of the
changes, three college- age guys were brought on stage.  Their task was to
sing their favorite Jessica Simpson song.  The three muddled through
several of her songs, although they were clearly embarrassed.  The winner
wasn't the best singer, but he was the only one from Orlando so he won
hands down when the audience had to vote for their favorite.

Later in the show, Jess and one of her female dancers had a skit about how
they were looking for boyfriends.  Each of the male dancers came out and
did a little striptease for Jess.  My heart skipped a few beats when one of
the dancers peeled off his shirt.  I think Jess said his name was
Christian.  He was lean and muscular and he looked a little like Nick.
Finally, the guy from Orlando who had won the singing contest was brought
onstage.  He didn't have to strip, but Jess immediately chose him to be her
new boyfriend.  His prize was having Jess sing to him.  I thought it was
cute when he started blushing, especially when she kissed him on the cheek.

Before I knew it the show was over and I went to find the way backstage.
After a few wrong turns I figured out where I needed to be.  I was escorted
to the green room and was told that Jess would meet me there.  After about
twenty minutes she came bounding through the door.

"Alex!" she screamed as she grabbed me from behind.  "I'm so happy to see
you."

"Hey, girl!  You really know how to put on a show."

"Thanks," she smiled.  "I'm glad you could see it."

"I have to tell you, if I wasn't gay I think I'd be smitten.  You put on
some sexy moves!"

"Thanks," she laughed.  "That was a compliment, right?"

"Of course."

"Sorry I took so long.  I wanted to grab a quick shower.  Do you mind if we
go back to my room and grab some room service?  I'm starved."

"Sounds good to me."

Tagging along with Jess was an adventure unto itself.  We ducked out the
stage door and were greeted by at least fifty screaming fans.  While
security kept people away, we climbed into the backseat of a car and speed
away.  We rode for what seemed like ages, but Jess told me we were still at
Disney World.  She was staying at the Grand Floridian hotel.  Just like the
Boardwalk Inn where I had stayed with the guys, the Grand Floridian was a
stunning sight.  The white wooden structure was illuminated by thousands of
lights.  Jess led me through the lobby and down a long corridor.  We
finally arrived at a bank of elevators and we rode to the top floor.

"Wow!" I exclaimed as she opened the door to her suite.  Looking out the
window, I could see Cinderella's Castle off in the distance.  It was a
magical site that you can only find at Disney World.

"It's pretty cool, isn't it?"

I could only nod in agreement.  Jess disappeared into her bedroom to change
into some comfortable clothes while I called room service and ordered some
food for us.  In no time we were sitting down and eating.

"So, spill," she said.

"Nick didn't tell you about the job offer?"

"Job offer?"

"I guess that would be a no," I laughed.  "The guys made me an offer to
work for them."

"Oh, really.  Nick and I don't really talk business.  We don't have time,
really.  So, what's the job?"

"Travel coordinator.  They've been having problems with their travel agent
so they seem to think that I can do it better."

"I'm sure you could, Alex."

"But I'm not sure it's a good idea," I replied.

"Why?"

"Don't you think it will look a little strange?  I didn't really think
about it at first.  I just don't want to cause any problems.  The last
thing I would want to do would be to attract attention to my relationship
with Drew."

"It's not at strange as you may think," she said.  "My dad travels with me
and he handles all the details.  But with larger bands, there usually is
someone who travels with them, even when they are not on tour.  I know the
guys from *NSync have someone and I think the Backstreet Boys might also."

"Really?  That's good to know."

"Plus, it would probably draw less attention to you if you were around all
the time.  That is, as opposed to you flying in to see the guys every
couple of weeks."

"You're right.  I have to tell you, Jess, I really want to do it.  I'd get
to be around the guys.  They are a lot of fun and I really feel close to
all of them.  Plus, I'd get to be with Drew a lot more."

"Alex, you need to realize that you probably won't be around Drew as much
as you'd like to be.  It can get really crazy when they travel."

"I know," I sighed.  "But I'd get to sleep with him."  I paused, suddenly a
little embarrassed.  "I mean, sleep in the same bed as him.  At least,
sometimes.  Why do I feel like I'm turning bright red?"

"I don't know," she laughed.  "It's not like it's a big secret that you're
sleeping with Sprout."

"I don't think he'd appreciate being referred to as 'Sprout' in that
context," I laughed.

"I suppose not," she giggled.

"Jess, I know that I'm not going to be around Drew all the time, but it
will be a lot more than I see him now.  But, I don't know."

"What aren't you telling me, Alex?"

I sighed heavily.  I'd come all that way to talk to her about it, but I
wasn't sure I wanted her to know.  Ultimately, I needed to talk.

"Jess," I said.  "I kissed another man."


Scene 83


"What?" she replied with shock.

I looked at Jess and nodded my head.  We were sitting in her hotel room and
I had just dropped the bombshell.  She looked at me with disbelief so I
repeated myself.

"I kissed another man."

"When?  Where?"  She paused.  "Why?"

I launched into my story, telling Jess about the morning I had discovered I
didn't have cancer.  I told her about how Aaron had saved me the night
before and kept me sober.  I also told her about what had happened when I
found myself in his arms.

"Jess, I was just so confused right then.  My world had been turned upside
down and all I really wanted was to feel alive again.  For some reason, I
thought that being with Aaron would do that for me.  My brain was on
overload and to say I was emotional would be the understatement of the
century."

"You didn't sleep with him, did you?"

"No," I replied, "but I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't
stopped me."

"And what did Drew say?"

"I haven't told him."

She looked me square in the eyes and gave me a stern look.  I felt as
though one of my elementary school teachers was about to lecture me.

"You have to tell him," she said.

"But Aaron said it wasn't a big deal.  He said, 'It's just a kiss'.  And to
him, it really was just a kiss."

"Oh," she said rather sarcastically.  "Aaron said it wasn't a big deal.
What about you?"

Knowing I didn't have a good answer, I just sat there looking at her.

"Well?  You wouldn't have come all this way to talk to me if you really
believed it was just a kiss.  Tell me, Alex.  Tell me the truth."

"I can't stop thinking about it, Jess," I said as I ran my hands through my
hair in frustration.  "Not because it was so great.  Actually, it really
didn't make me feel any better.  But all I can think about is what I've
done to Drew.  I want it to just be a kiss, so I can forget about it and
move on."

"Obviously if you are still this upset about it, it's not something that is
just going to go away.  You need to tell Drew what happened.  He'll
understand, Alex.  You were under a tremendous amount of pressure."  She
paused.  "He'll understand, just like Nick did."

"Nick?"

"Yeah," she said.  "It's confession time.  Do you remember Christian?  He's
one of my dancers."

"You mean the one with abs of steel?"  I paused.  "The one that looks a
little like Nick?"

"He's the one."

"So what happened?"

"Well," she began.  "One night after a show the dancers and the band went
out.  I was feeling kind of down, mostly because I missed Nick, so I
decided to stay in the hotel.  Later that night Christian came in to check
on me.  See, Christian is a really good guy and we've always got along
really well."

"I don't like where this is going," I interrupted.

"Me neither, Alex.  Christian was pretty drunk.  And to make a long story
short, he ended up kissing me."

"And."

"And I didn't exactly stop him."

"But, Jess," I replied.  "It was just a kiss.  Plus, you didn't kiss him;
he kissed you."

"It doesn't matter, Alex.  In the end, I had betrayed Nick."

I looked away, peering out the window at the brightly illuminated castle so
far away.  Jessica's words had stung.  I had betrayed Drew and I knew it.
When I asked Drew to get an HIV test, part of that was because we pledged
to be faithful to each other.  We had promised to tell the other if we ever
cheated.  And while my kissing Aaron hadn't put Drew in any danger of
getting any disease, I knew I'd broken my promise to him.

"So you told Nick?"

"The next day."

"And how did he take it?"

"He was upset.  It got kind of ugly, actually.  We didn't talk for over a
week.  Then he called and told me about you."

"Me?"

"The cancer.  It kind of put things into perspective for us.  It made what
had happened between me and Christian seem pretty insignificant."

"I guess I should try to think of it that way, too."

"You should, Alex.  Nick and I came out of all this mess stronger.  We
talked about a lot of things we had been afraid to talk about."

 "Like what?" I asked.

"Marriage.  Sex.  The big topics," she replied.

"Really?"

"Yeah.  Up until that point I always felt like I was holding Nick back
because we weren't sleeping together.  I mean, here is this incredible guy
who probably should be sowing some wild oats and I'm asking him to be
nearly celibate."

"Is that what you thought?" I asked.  "First off, being celibate and not
having sex are two completely different things.  If you can't figure that
out you need to find yourself a copy of Webster's Unabridged.  And second,
the Nick that I know wouldn't be doing that.  Granted, I didn't know him
before he met you, but next to this sap sitting in front of you, he's the
biggest romantic I've met.  I can't see him playing the rock star role and
finding a new girl in every town."

"But still."

"Jess!" I nearly shouted.  "He loves you.  It's really that simple.  I
can't tell you the number of times I've seen his eyes literally light up
when he talks about you.  And on top of that, he's told me that he really
admires your wanting to wait until your married."

"Really?"

"Of course.  Didn't he tell you that?"

"Yes," she said bashfully.  "But I just thought he was saying that to be
nice.  Did he really say that to you?"

"He did and he means it, Jess.  I know it in my heart."

She looked at me and tried to smile.  I could read the emotion in her face.
Without words, I got up and pulled her into a hug.  I held her for a couple
of minutes, until we both felt better.

"Aren't we supposed to be talking about you?" she asked finally.

"Maybe," I smiled.  "I think I know what I need to do."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Yes.  He needs to know.  I just need to find the right time."


Scene 84


I awoke with a start, my body jolted back to consciousness from a deep
sleep.  In the pitch-blackness I struggled to remember exactly where I was.
I reached out, trying to grab onto something familiar.  Shutting my eyes, I
saw remnants of the nightmare that had been floating through my mind.
Pieces of the dream seem to taunt me, laughing at my utter confusion.

Although it probably was mere seconds, it seemed like hours before I
realized exactly where I was.  I sat up and glanced over my shoulder.  Far
off in the distance, I saw a castle.  On any other night, I might have
thought I was still dreaming, but I remembered that I was in Jessica's
suite at Disney World.  We had talked until late in the night and from what
I could tell, I had fallen asleep on the couch.  Jess must have covered me
up because I had a blanket wrapped around me.  Stretching and yawning, I
kicked the fabric off of me and staggered over to the balcony.  Looking out
across the lake, I didn't see a castle any more.  My mind was playing
tricks on me in my somnolent state.  I was remembering the dream.

It had been about Drew, of course.  But like most dreams, it didn't make
much sense.  Drew and I had been fighting, although I couldn't remember
what the argument was about.  It was an intense argument, the worst I could
imagine without coming to blows with someone.  The next image that floated
out of my subconscious was a barren field.  It was a scene that resembled
the moon: black rocks peppered with pockets of white.  Standing in the
field, I was searching for Drew.  I couldn't find him and I remember
screaming out his name over and over.  The last image from the dream was
the one that had frightened me awake.  I recall looking down at my hands
and seeing them covered with blood.

I stood there, staring out the window into the night and wishing with all
my might for the sun to rise.  Each time I shut my eyes, even to blink, I
worried that I would see the images from the dream.  I struggled to figure
out what they meant.  I felt as though I was drowning in uncertainty.

"The fight had to be about Aaron," I said to myself.

Shaking my head, I tried to push the images out of my head.  Recalling the
many times I'd tried to do that over the course of my life, I set about to
accomplish my goal.  I turned and crossed the room, somehow finding my way
in the darkness.  When I reached my target, I opened the small door and
reached in.

I had grabbed as many of the small liquor bottles as I could from the
well-stocked minibar in Jessica's suite.  I took the alcohol back across
the room, setting them, one by one, on the coffee table in front of the
couch.  I sat back down and surveyed what I was considering to be my
savior.  I really didn't care what they were.  Scotch, vodka, or whisky
didn't matter at that point.  Taking a bottle at random, I cracked open the
top and brought it up to my nose.  I inhaled the strong aroma and smiled,
knowing I was seconds away from feeling nothing again.  That was my goal.

I closed my eyes once again to prepare for the warmth that was about to
slide through my body.  But once again the images from the nightmare
returned.  This time, however, I saw something new.  I again saw the blood
on my hands and arms, but this time I was holding Drew.  His body was
resting against me, limp and lifeless.  A shiver ran through my body.  My
eyes shot open and I dropped the small bottle.  It fell against me, dowsing
me in alcohol.

Instinctively, I began to panic.  The horrible nightmare had shaken me to
my core.  I stood up and started to run to the phone.  Not watching where I
was going in the darkness of the room, I tripped over the corner of the
coffee table and went down with a dull thud.  I felt a sharp pain on the
side of my head where it collided with leg of the chair that was right
there.  Without thought, I pulled myself up and made my way to the phone.
I dialed the number I knew so well.

"Damn it!" I said out loud when I heard Drew's voicemail.

I quickly hung up, not sure I wanted to leave a message and unable to wait
to leave it anyway.  I tried again.  After what seemed like an eternity, I
heard a groggy hello.

"Jeff?" I managed to get out before I began to hyperventilate.

"Alex?  Is that you?"

"Yes," I said between the tears.

"What's wrong?  Where are you?"

I sat there in the darkness, unable to talk.  I gently rubbed the side of
my head.  All I could do was cry.

"Alex?" he said.  "Say something.  You're scaring me."

Before I had a chance to answer, I heard some noise on the other end of the
phone.

"It's Alex," I heard Jeff say.  After a pause, "I don't know, Justin.  Just
let me talk to him."

"Jeff," I said tentatively.

"I'm here.  Tell me what's going on."

"I'm on the edge here.  I don't know what to do.  Is Drew okay?"

"He's fine, Alex.  What is this all about?"

"It all sounds so stupid," I said, trying to stifle the tears.  "But I had
a dream and it was bad.  Something really bad.  Are you sure he's okay?
All I can remember is the blood."

"Blood?  You're scaring me, Alex.  Do you want me to go get Drew?"

"No, not when I'm like this.  He's fine, though?  Nothing happened to him
tonight?"

"He's fine, I promise."

"I was about to take a drink, Jeff."

There was a long silence on the other end of the line.  I couldn't bear the
thought of what I was doing to Jeff.  I tried to wipe away the tears,
slowly running my hand across my face.

"You did the right thing, Alex," he said as if he were reading my mind.
"You did the right thing by calling me.  But I can tell, there's something
you're not telling me.  You wouldn't be in this shape over just a dream.
What aren't you telling me?"

I shuddered at the thought of telling Jeff.  A wave of guilt passed through
me.  I didn't want to put Jeff in the middle of my problems with Drew, but
I knew I was in trouble that night.

"I fucked up, Jeff.  I really fucked up."

"Talk to me, Alex."

As I started to answer, I saw a light come on across the room.  I turned to
find Jess standing in the doorway to the bedroom.  She had a robe wrapped
around her.  In a split second I saw her face change.  A look of horror
appeared and she turned white as a ghost.

"Oh my God!" she said almost inaudibly.

It was only then that I looked down and saw my right hand covered in blood.

To be continued.

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